Shepard walked through the Normandy on leaden feet, flames tearing it to pieces all around her.
Everything was silent until she reached the cockpit, stepping towards the armoured figure that sat with its back to her, arms outstretched towards the stars. That wasn't right. Joker didn't wear armour.
The figure turned, and she heard the noise rush in on her like a flood. The scream of alarms, the roaring drag of flames behind her, and a voice. Kaidan's voice. He rose from the seat and moved towards her.
'This is all your fault.'
Kaidan pushed her out into the stars.
Shepard woke screaming.
The constellations above her bed were blurred with tears, and she rolled over, burying her face in the bed covers.
Maybe Miranda was right. Maybe going to Alchera would help. After a moment Shepard turned onto her side and looked over at the pictures beside her bed. There was a grainy holo of Garrus and Kaidan sat in the mess hall that she had taken in another lifetime. The circumstances surrounding it escaped her now.
Once they'd defeated Sovereign, and Shepard was back on her feet, they had all left her. All except for Kaidan. With Ash gone, and after everything that had happened, there had been a subtle alteration in their relationship. He was one of the few people she could properly talk to, and they had spent hours revisiting everything that had led them to that point.
Now the loss of the Normandy was tangled up in the loss of Kaidan as one of her best friends, and she knew exactly why her subconscious dragged him up over and over again.
As much as she loved teasing him for his dedication to the Alliance, and his dogged determination to follow the rules, it had been exactly those qualities that she needed. Her early life on Earth had given her something of a lax attitude to authority, and although she loved being in the Alliance there had always been a part of her that chafed at the restrictions.
That was why, when Kaidan raised an objection, she knew she had to listen. He kept her on the straight and narrow. He held her in check when she might otherwise have done something regrettable, especially with Garrus around.
Kaidan had been her conscience, and she knew, as she had known from the start, that working with Cerberus was wrong. She could hardly blame him for the way he'd talked to her on Horizon, but something about it still troubled her.
Shepard sighed, rubbed her face and sat up.
"EDI?"
"Yes, Shepard."
"Is Thane awake?"
"Yes. He wishes to know why you are asking."
"I didn't mean for you to ask him," Shepard muttered, getting slowly out of bed and pulling some clothes on. "But now you've woken him, could you ask him to meet me in the cargo bay?"
"You did not specify the manner in which I was to find out, Shepard," EDI replied, a hint of reproach in her voice.
"If I didn't know any better I'd say you were sounding more human," Shepard said, getting in the elevator and tapping the control panel.
"I am programmed to learn from interacting with those around me. I have spent many hours talking with Mr Moreau, and he has assured me that the crew would appreciate it if I were more approachable."
"You've spent hours talking to Joker? I'm impressed," Shepard smiled, recalling some of their longer chats. "Well, keep up the good work EDI. I'm expecting jokes next."
"Mr Moreau supplied me with a joke. It involved a bird, a lizard and a monkey. Whilst…"
"On second thought maybe we should leave the jokes for now," Shepard interrupted hastily. She had a feeling she knew where that one was going.
"Logging you out, Shepard."
The silence was welcome.
-0-0-0-0-
When Thane found Shepard she was balancing on a large cloth wrapped object, stretching her long arms to catch a length of holding tape that wound its way down across the fabric.
"Can I be of assistance?" he asked.
"I've nearly got it."
Thane thought back to his warm bed. "Well, then I shall return to my rest."
"Not so fast. Pull that," Shepard instructed, kicking at a fold in the fabric with one bare foot. There were stars running across her foot in every colour, trailing up under the fabric of her trousers.
Thane did as instructed, and she hopped down lightly to stand next to him. She grabbed the fabric and together they pulled.
The material snagged at first, heavy and course against his skin, then with a sliding rush it dropped to the floor at their feet and revealed something he had not expected.
There, glistening beneath the lights, was a memorial.
Shepard sat down in front of it and folded her legs beneath her, light playing between her fingers.
"I considered giving it to Grunt," she admitted, not even looking up as Thane sat neatly down in front of her.
Thane glanced at the memorial. "That seems an odd choice."
"He's having behavioural issues. We're heading to Tuchanka to try and get him some help before he rips the ship to pieces. I gave him some crates to smash up instead."
"I see. Do you wish to tell me why you brought me here?" Thane asked, aware of the anxious play of the energy between her fingers, and the glum expression on her face.
"On the Citadel, after you went back to the ship, I went to see my commanding officer—my former commanding officer," she corrected with a half-smile. "He asked me to take this to Alchera. He seems to think I'm the best person for the job. What he seems to have forgotten is that I died there."
Nobody could forget the fact that she had died. It was written all over her in the faint shine of her scars and the slow burning glow of her eyes, but as he had discovered most species seemed to turn a blind eye to death until it was staring them in the face.
It was easier not to think of her dying, though he knew she thought of it often. To think of her lying cold and still was unbearable.
"Siha…"
The light flickered out amongst her fingers, her gaze fixed on him, and he swore he saw her lips quirk upwards in the faintest ghost of a smile.
"I apologise if I was distracted after the events on the Citadel. If I may, I believe your former commander is correct in his assumption. He could not have chosen a more suitable candidate for placing this memorial," Thane told her, reaching out to squeeze her fingers. "I am aware that you dream of it often, that you bear the guilt of surviving, however improbably, when others were lost. But you returned from death for a reason, and it is because of this that it must be you."
"Sometimes I…" Shepard shrugged, and swallowed whatever she had been about to say. "I suppose I needed to hear that."
"Which is why you asked me here," Thane said, turning her palm over in his hand and examining the strangeness of her unfused fingers for a moment.
"There was something else," Shepard admitted. "I lost a friend. Not on Alchera, on Horizon."
Thane said nothing, giving her a moment to find the words.
"His name is Kaidan. We served together on the first Normandy, and I didn't see him again until Cerberus sent us to investigate the missing colonists. He hates Cerberus. So, I turn up with Garrus, wearing their uniform." She gave a low laugh. Thane heard the hurt she had failed to hide.
"He didn't take it well. He called me a traitor, said I'd turned my back on everything we stood for. That I'd changed. He was right about one thing though. Cerberus can't be trusted."
"Siha, I do not know Kaidan, I can only guess at why he said these things to you. If you were friends, as you said, I can imagine his shock at seeing you alive and intact. To find you returned from death, and working for the enemy…" Thane held her hand tighter. "It explains his behaviour, but it does not excuse it."
Shepard got to her feet, pulling away from him. She gathered the fabric up in her arms as she spoke. "I know why he said those things. Hell, I'd have had some questions if he'd turned up in a Cerberus uniform."
She started to shake the material out, and Thane got to his feet to assist, watching the play of muscles in her long arms as she shook the cover out before her. "There's one thing that still bothers me though."
"Go on."
"Kaidan was wrong. Whatever he, or anyone else thinks, I'm doing this for the right reasons. The Council still won't accept that the Reapers are real; they still think I'm delusional. So it's up to me to prove them wrong."
Thane helped her sweep the cloth up and back over the memorial, shielding it from view. Its presence was a painful reminder of Shepard's mortality, and of what they were facing.
When he looked back at Shepard she was staring at him. Thane felt his pulse quicken as she walked towards him.
"I'm putting a beacon together to leave behind once we pass through the relay. Every bit of data we collect will go on it, every scrap of evidence we can pull together, so even if we don't come back the Alliance will know what's coming for them."
If. A small word, but an admission all the same. "You've cheated death once before, Shepard. I see no reason why you cannot do so again."
"My plan is not to die," Shepard said, standing close beside him. "But you know as well as I do that my plans don't always work. We have no idea what we're facing once we're through that relay."
She inclined her head towards him. Her warm hand slipped into his.
"The beacon will be set to wait a week. If we don't return and collect it, all the data will be sent to Liara, and she'll send it on. If there's a message you'd like to send to Kolyat I can include it. I'll be asking the rest of the crew."
"I would like that," Thane said, leaning his face into her hair. It was soft against his face, her scent woven through it. Even if they did not return, at least he could be with her at the end.
"How is he doing? Have you heard anything?"
"I have. Perhaps we could discuss it over some tea," Thane said as Shepard yawned widely.
"Now that sounds like a good plan."
They ambled into the elevator, releasing hands as they leant into each other.
"Has Miss T'Soni uncovered any information on the package?"
Shepard frowned, and Thane took that to be a bad sign. He'd had some of his contacts look into Liara. What they'd found was interesting.
From the information he'd been given it appeared she was responsible for giving Cerberus the chance to bring Shepard back from the dead, raising more questions than it answered.
"Nothing, which is unusual. She's still working on it."
The door opened, and Thane took charge of preparing the tea whilst Shepard sat on the work surface, her starry feet dangling free.
"Kolyat has started working for C-Sec," he told her, setting two cups down then choosing an appropriate tea from his locker. Thane opted for a mild asari blend, and when he returned to the kitchen he found Shepard smiling broadly.
"So Bailey did listen to me. I'm glad. How's Kolyat finding it? I could get Garrus to give him some tips if you'd like."
She was teasing him, and Thane resisted the urge to kiss the smile from her face. "I'm not sure Garrus would be a suitable role model."
"Vakarian knows his stuff, but you might be right," Shepard admitted, leaning over to sniff the tea as Thane poured from the small pot he'd brought on board. It was plain; nothing like the tea pots back on Kahje, but it had served him well over the years.
"Here," Thane said, offering her the cup. She accepted it with a small incline of her head, a motion so familiar it took a moment to register. It was a drell habit. One she must have picked up from him.
"Thank you," Shepard said, yawning again. "You still haven't told me what siha means."
"I will, when the time is right. You should try and get some rest before we arrive at Tuchanka," Thane said, watching as she sipped the tea and closed her eyes.
"Have you been there?"
"My services are not required on Tuchanka."
"It's an interesting place, if abandoned deserts are your thing. You should come with us," Shepard said, sliding off the kitchen top and cradling the cup to her chest.
Thane thought back to his bed, long cold by now, and leant into the heat radiating from Shepard. "I would be happy to." His voice thrummed with meaning, and he was glad she couldn't interpret them. His desire to stay close to her, to touch her, was written across every layer of his words.
"I wouldn't get your hopes up," Shepard replied.
Thane stilled. Perhaps he had been too obvious.
"As far as deserts go this is more like a wasteland."
"I see. I would still like to see Tuchanka, whilst I can."
Whilst I can. If we don't come back. They were probably going to die through there on the other side of the galaxy. Time was falling away beneath their feet, and eventually it would take them with it. But she had fallen before, and it gave him the strength he needed.
"I'm sorry for getting you out of bed," Shepard said. She ruffled her hair and smiled wearily. He knew why she had woken him. He felt honoured that she had chosen him as her companion when nightmares stole her sleep away.
"You have many burdens, siha. Remember that I'll help you carry them."
"Thank you. I…Good night."
She smiled, her skin colouring faintly, and with a small nod she walked away back towards the elevator.
Thane stood alone in the kitchen, waiting until all was silent before tidying their tea things away. He stacked the cups neatly in the dishwasher, washed his tea pot out, and then stowed it carefully in his locker before making his way back to life support.
His bed was as cold as he expected, and as he slid between the sheets he couldn't help thinking of Shepard somewhere above him. Of her warmth stealing through the sheets.