Disclaimer: Don't own anything but a bunch useless OCs' characters.

A/N: I want to thank you for keeping up with me with all your reviews that help me through, Beth , Sara, Tatiana SH, Faith, Karen, Jamelia, Patsy, and all the guests. I adore this chapter I simply don't know why. I hope I will not be the only one. I also hope my OCs are not too overbearing and interesting enough to keep up with the plot. On other things:

¤ On Cristina's Jo

You're right I forgot. My suggestion for the cast, is Pedro Pascal but I like Olivier Sitruk. They have the same charismatic bordeline domineering presence, very masculine, very self-assured. I don't know yet if Jo is the man for Cristina. He sure gives her very good orgasms and maybe they will keep it up between office j

¤ On Jamelia's comment

I couldn't agree more. His death was clumsily handled. I'm just like you. I wanted to see this with Alex for a long time because I feel the character was much neglected in the past. I feel like there is a lot of story we can tell with him. I do love the way he defends his friendship to Mer. I feel Jo, though it was no fault of hers, since it happened often, had been basking in that fake sense of comfort you have when you're in a long term relationship, the one where you no longer do the extra-mile to understand your partner because you think you got him seemingly figure out. I don't think she does it on purpose or to be mean. But she simply did not imagine Alex's reasons for not liking the house was anything but superficial reasons. I'm glad you didn't hate Maggie there.

¤ On the soundtrack

Not that I think you all pay attention to that, there are songs that struck a particular chord with me when I write the different characters. So cold from Ben Cocks ft Niquisha Reyes is one of them. I will try to not ruin it for you " how to save a life" like ( that song had been used and abused of to the point where it went from being my favorite to be the most hated song in history of tv soundtracks). But depending of the mood with Meredith I may use it again. Sorry for any inconveniences lol.

-21-

Committing full time to misery

"The person who invented happily ever after, should have his ass kicked."

Let's be straight, once you reached a certain level of hard-earned maturity, when you see that first wrinkle and that first grey hair, something magical happened. Nobody wanted to hear you complain anymore about how horrible you considered your life to be. You were a grown up now. You no longer believe in Santa Claus. If you were smart and resourceful enough, you'd long ceased to believe in happily ever after. Your dreams were either compacted in the trash or they were no longer dreams. You dreamed of being a superhero and you became a surgeon instead. You're thinking great for me I deserve a cookie! Wrong! Reality was still so far from the fantasy, it could not count as fulfilling a dream. So don't count yourself lucky, there was nothing to be proud of. Nothing ever got smooth. Nothing ever got easier. There were years you forgot to kiss your loved one under the mistletoe because you were chasing after that fame and glory. Days when you complained about having to wake up to earn a living... Adults were not supposed to believe in fairytale, only in the tangible, in the concrete. Degrees were real. Money was real. Taxes were real. Monthly Mortgages were real. If we could sum things up, papers were real. The rest was just a mirage. Love among other things was just a fantasy. You should never believe in the fantasy. If you do, even by accident… Well, may God or whatever help you I'm telling you!

As it always goes during this particular time of the year, temperature had dropped dramatically. Gone was the tender heat flushing her face pink this morning, Meredith was standing in the cold, deeply regretting not grabbing a jacket on her way down. The flashing lights of the towing truck cast premature shadows on the steps of the Grey Sloane Memorial while the sun was setting slowly behind the skyscrapers. Meredith stared dumbfounded at her car whose rear had become a compact stack of scrap metals and plastics. There was something oddly shocking in looking at the wreckage of a car. The forensic police came in earlier to get the Pollard car. She heard they had an interest in her car as well, but finally determined the car would be no use in their open investigation on the shooting. She thought she heard Maggie said Richard had something to do with that. She was not sure. Earlier, she tried to call the insurance company, and they said she had nothing to worry about, that everything would be taken care of… And she let go of a sigh of relief. And that's when things got warped and twisted. The woman on the phone asked her if she could update her and her husband detailed info and all hell broke loose. Meredith bailed. Maggie called back but at this point Meredith couldn't care less. So, Maggie was left hacking out the details with them upstairs and Meredith got down to get a few things out of the car.

Oh, you can't hear me cry

See my dreams all die

From where you're standing

On your own.

It's so quiet here

And I feel so cold

This house no longer

Feels like home.

They arrived rather quickly when Maggie was still inside. Meredith just had time to make a quick triage on what she needed to keep and the towing driver started the process. The truck hoisted slowly the SUV on its back. Meredith looked at the few belongings on the ground before her, the second baby car seat which was not crushed, the first she left in the car since it was unusable anyway. There was a toy box full of books, CDs, and Children toys among other things. She did a rather good job gathering them together. She smiled. She even found a total of three old pacifiers under the passenger seat. Her smile faded. She also found his sweater but that was another story.

Calling back that woman from the insurance company in order to explain, that there was no need for Derek's number, that she was on her own now, explain that her husband was gone, was simply asking her too much. She had to do that once and it was… Twice… if she counted her mother… Fortunately, Thatcher stepped in for Lexie even though he left the money part to her. But it was Derek who did all the heavy paperwork after the plane crash, the subsequent trial and the successful rescue of the Seattle Grace... It was him who talked to Thatcher and Mollie… It was him Thatcher hugged gratefully and Molly invited for Thanksgivings. What was she doing? Well, she sat there and stared at her own reflection in the blackened screen of the plasma tv. He was always so good with family. She sighed.

So after Derek… She dreaded the thought of having to go through this again. At that time, she had to smile and asked politely if and when they will get her husband's car, at least what was left of it. They said everything will be taken care of, just like she said today. But Meredith still had to send his death certificate and answer questions on his health before he got brain damaged. She had to copy/send a police report. She had to listen to a charming employee as she called her husband, a thoughtful man because he took a massive insurance policy on his life. She had to listen to their prattles as they did their math, and pushed papers in front of her for her to sign with restrained smiles and hushed confidential tones. They were all wonderful people truly, just like Derek's lawyer, the one she's been avoiding for a year now. They were nice people who helped her wonderful thoughtful husband conceived a mastermind plan in case he had to leave her behind, in case he had to die, in case he had to meet with a truck. It was supposed to be of comfort to her because he cared enough to make all these preparations, for her, for Zola, for Bailey, and "even for all their children to come" meaning Ellis. There were so many papers to fill in the weeks following his death.

She had no idea how many things she had to do. She was a doctor who dealt with death everyday but she didn't know. She had to prepare the papers so that Ellis could be recognized by her father post-mortem for instance, so she could be a Shepherd. That was even before Ellis was born. Can you imagine what a fun thing to do when you're expecting?

Meredith tried hard to keep it all together. She tried to be a grown-up and not complain. She tried to talk with Derek's lawyer two days after his death like a normal widow. But it became just too much after fifteen minutes when he asked her if she wanted to sue the truck driver who claimed he didn't see Derek's car in the middle of the road, and who the police said was driving too fast anyway to stop. That or… Suing the ER staff of Dillard for malpractice? They played that dangerous game "on who to put the blame on?" and she sucked at it. So when he asked that question and Meredith didn't know what to say… She ran back to her car and drive to the Funeral home where she cried hysterically. She wanted to see Derek so bad that when the poor desk lady told her that her husband was not ready to be seen yet, she completely lost it.

She cried and screamed and went on a rampage… to the point she clearly needed to be restrained. For Meredith, it was impossible to believe her thoughtful beloved husband had left her with this burden. That she had to be thinking for everyone now… He knew her… How could he do that to her? Leave like that. They were supposed to be together until they were old and smelly… Until she got Alzheimer and he would remind her everyday how much they love each other… like in that stupid shitty movie. That was a breach of contract. Why nobody ever brought that up? She didn't know. She didn't want be a widow. She was mad at the man himself. She blamed him. Ironically enough she wanted his head…for doing this to her… to the children. Why did he have to stop on that road? Why couldn't she do the same? Why couldn't he stay home with her? Why wasn't she allowed to quit like him? And the funeral home manager, Karen Childs, she was an awesome force of nature who had seen shit storms and earthquakes, and Korean war… and still stood with a tranquil serenity. She held onto Meredith tight and told her she was right and justified. Her husband was truly a prick and a coward for bailing on her like that. They were young. They were supposed to be together. He shouldn't have left her to fend for herself and her children and damn him and his insurance policy. And just like that Meredith calmed down, composed herself and sat down on her chair to wait. And they talked all afternoon of war wounds and children. When she was finally allowed to see Derek… When she saw him lying there lifeless, helpless, useless, just a shell of his former self, she had nothing to say to him. She realized she no longer had anything to say to him and she left.

She looked at her Mercedes again as the tow mechanic finished strapping the wheels on the back of the truck. What a tremendous asshole Derek Shepherd was? Why did he have to leave her behind? Why? She was such a bad mother she could not even look into Zola's eyes while she lied to her. She saw the fear and the sadness in her own children's eyes. Did she do anything about that? Nope, she was currently hiding. She was slowly destroying her children's innocence. Before long, they will be all death and die teenagers just like her. What kind of monster could do that? She was a mother and she wanted out with every fiber of her being because every breath she took since Derek died had been forced and compelled. She remembered stepping on the accelerator without even thinking. Was it that easy for him to leave her with all these things…she fucking didn't care about? The money… The house… Was it that easy?

When her phone vibrated in her left pocket, Meredith answered completely enraged. It was the real estate agent. Her answers were brief and brutally blunt. Yes, he was harassing her and no she still didn't know what to do with the stupid house. Yes she was having a bad day. Yes, if he continued to bother her with stupid questions she would burn the damn house down. That was how unstable she was right now. Then as she hung up, she shivered even more. She felt her lips trembled, she felt the wind on her neck, She felt a headache coming, she felt the pain seeping through her bones. She felt everything. And she wanted to go back to the numbness. She did not want to feel like this. But she was tired of fighting it. She was so tired and she gasped, struggling to let her feelings out.

Meredith crossed her arms in front of her to protect herself from the cold. She closed her eyes as to suppress the tears. She wouldn't cry… She wouldn't complain. She was fine. Damn it! Damn it! She felt a warm foreign hand covering her eyes, imprisoning the tears and wiping them away. She felt immense gratitude for that act of mercy and could do nothing but let the tears fall for a minute. She looked up to see Warren stand in front of her. He handed her his coat. She didn't know what to say. She was freezing inside… hopefully freezing to death with hypothermia. But she didn't know what to say. He lowered his gaze to the floor, staring at the pile of broken baby stuffs, and the car seat, and that stupid Derek sweater she found under the backseat under an umbrella. She stared at that stupid car she didn't even chose herself because he insisted it'd be safer for the kids... She stared at it shivering. She did not know what to say… So she just… She opened her mouth and words came out.

Oh, you can't hear me cry

See my dreams all die

From where you're standing

On your own.

It's so quiet here

And I feel so cold

This house no longer

Feels like home.

"He left nothing. There was nothing in his car. Or maybe I don't remember at all. Were there toys in his car too? He used to bring Zola to her dance lessons. So maybe she left a few things in it. She has a habit of bringing the house with her wherever she goes. But he had been in DC, for a while, working for the president, being true to his universally awesome self… And… It just occurred to me… I did not check. He loved his car. It was a Porsche something. He loved driving fast. It was his toy! Do you have a car? Do you have endless piles of junk in it? For Derek, I can't say if he left anything… They gave me anything they thought was of value. His cell, his wallet… His watch… His wedding ring… I did not even think he was wearing the damn thing... But I don't know what was in his car. I can't say… I didn't see it. I was home trying to decide what would fit him best for the viewing. Karen from the funeral home... she suggested a black suit... So there was that suit I love... He cheated on his first wife with it... with me... here... in one of the consult room... Thought he would look nice again in it... Anyway..Waiting for Cristina to call… I left a message while she was on the plane… because… I realized I had no home. That was his home… and his estate. Of course I knew I was married to him… But I did not know for sure. I don't do papers. So I needed Cristina to tell me where I should go or what I was supposed to do. I refused to believe it might be it. This thing with walls and a magnificent view on the mountains was my home now. Not our home. Just mine. I just… That house was not my home. It was empty, disfigured and soulless and… That's all he left. A house without a soul or anything resembling that… He could have stayed with me and send an email on that day. But he had to go, be the good guy, be polite and leave me home… Leave me a home. And his lawyer, his real estate agent, they are harassing me for answers I don't have. They want me to decide if I still want this crappy gift from him. They want me to be a good reasonable widow and take the fucking house or sell it. Or just be glad, I can roll in money… I don't want to be a widow. And I still don't know why he left our home to me. I don't know how he could think I could do the mother thing alone… Why did I ever say I didn't need him? And now I'm watching as they dispose of my car… and I realized today I could have made that horrible gift to my children. Isn't that a sick joke? I could have passed the torch. I am a douche… mother."

Warren patiently covered her shoulders with the coat.

"I almost died today. What would I have left to my children? An empty house… Good Job, Meredith? I am even worse than my mother."

He nodded, slowly and methodically ingesting the flow of informations.

"You probably are, we tend to become worse than our parents as we get older. It's sad."

Meredith blinked in confusion.

"But then again, you're probably not the best judge you know. You can't be too easy or too hard on yourself. And you're still here, Meredith. You're not dead." He simply said. "Also keep in mind, a house is nice. You could rent it. To a couple of funny foreign tenants who don't speak english so you don't have to understand what they want for instance. Use it as a dressing room if you're into that sort of thing. Transform it into a chic vineyard and have wine parties in it. Pile it with medical equipment and build your own lab. Make it a warehouse for all the useless things you and your children don't need but will buy with all that money. It's not like he is coming back to check on it. You're free to go crazy. Nobody will judge you. I certainly won't, I own a boat. I never have time to sail anymore, nor the inclination to. But I do own a boat. It's a very nice boat and people asked me to rent it all the time. I say no because I'm quite selfish. It's mine. I just like the sight of it and the feeling of owning a boat. It follows me around everywhere, my boat. I don't usually tell people. But sometimes I just sit in front of it with a pack of beers and just stare at it… not touching it… Just staring. I own a boat and I had not been sailing since 2002. But trust me it's quite a nice boat and it's all worth it."

His restless left hand brushed the side of her face, over the bandages. She looked up at him with unique familiarity, as if she just woke up there… as if it was just the two of them and she woke up apologetically on the wrong side of the bed.

"Hey!" She said with a smile as if it was just perfectly alright for him to be touching her hair. "I…"

"Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"You're going to pretend that didn't happen."

"I can and I will if you do as well."

"Good. "

"So… out of bed?"

"I'm not in bed because there are so many papers to fill out when you do something stupid."

"Shouldn't you leave that to someone else?"

"Well, there's only… one little me."

Tilting his head slightly in acknowledgement, his hands in his pockets, he smiled.

"Indeed."

Meredith noticed at last the coat.

" Thanks for… It was sorely needed. Thanks..."

"I noticed."

Meredith took a deep breath, fidgeting awkwardly.

"So… Where's … Catherine? She doesn't look like she would be willing to let you get off that easy."

"She gave me the tour. I had lunch with her. But I was starving so I went for a bite and… well…I met an old acquaintance."

He went to pick up a few things on the floor and before Meredith could tell him he didn't have to help her, Catherine came out of the hospital running, Richard in tow.

"You had to say her name… and ruined this magical moment." he teased Meredith.

"You call it magical. I call it awkward. I take the blame though." She retorted back.

He snickered at that.

"Where is my son?" She screamed at them.

"In the car." He said pointing at the limo still parked in the driveway. Catherine opened the door and leaned over Jackson's slumped body. Meredith tilted her head in order to have a better view. Oh my! Jackson looked completely out of it!

"Jackson is here. He appears to be… completely wasted… Catherine doesn't look happy about it. Richard looks worried. That's your acquaintance? You got drunk with Jackson!"

"I didn't get drunk. I'm still on your case."

"So, you're a proper doctor now because you just had one drink!"

"Now, you're mean. I understand why they call you Medusa. You were so cute and small... and funny this morning!"

"I take it back if you want. I am a one drink person too. But really all afternoon I presume."

"I had one drink not that I have to explain myself to you. You of all people!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You are quite versed in reckless behavior!"

"Everything I say now will be held against me. Is that it?"

"It's seems a little late to be thinking about that."

She glared in his direction.

"Jackson, what have you done to yourself!"

"Catherine, calm down."

"Do not tell me to calm down Richard! Where is April? She needs to see this and help me stop this foolishness!"

Catherine grabbed her cellphone. Meredith raised an eyebrow willing herself to stay as far away from that drama as she could. Well, she knew that was selfish but... They seemed to be dealing with a lot of things right now.

"Well that's awkward! I guess it didn't go well with April."

He nodded.

"I suppose it's the kind of hospital where everybody intimately knows everybody and ultimately butts in each other's business."

"Well, you suppose well. Is there any other kind of hospital?"

"You're right."

"So what's your connection?"

"With Catherine? I was her intern at some point."

"I see. At some point."

"What do you mean?"

"You know she's married, right? To the closest thing I have resembling a father… It's complicated around here. So, I think I should warn you… since you and me, we started off really good… in that… Patient /doctor relationship."

" I see… And…at the same time, I don't see…the problem."

"You slept with her… "at some point"… Maybe it's just semantic. Humor me. But I feel like words are important. The worse part in all this is you're still caring… for her… For Jackson. You still like her. I can see…"

"You paint a pretty picture, Dr Grey."

"Complicated always starts with a pretty picture. I'm kind of a pro at this…"

"Because you married your attending…"

" Ok…That was fair I guess…"

"I asked questions. People talk to me because I ask nicely. Then I drew stupid conclusions just like you."

"You got me there."

"I'm not that selfless and good a person, Meredith! I am not here to save anybody!"

"Neither am I. I am quite a mess. Haven't you heard?"

"Let's just leave it at that then. Let's get you to bed. "

She blinked again in surprise. Meredith could not help the smile. It was just the way he said it.

"How long have you wanted to say that?"

"I guess since this morning."

"You always flirt with your patients on the first day you meet them?"

" Do you think that was me flirting? No, trust me, when I will start flirting with you and it will happen before I'm gone, you will know."

"Oh! Ok. Did that line ever work?"

"You tell me."

"I won't lie… It had amazing timing. It …almost worked."

"Almost" is all I need for now."

"Look at you, all cool and debonair!"

"Look at you, so cold and distant. I could almost forget you flirted with me first."

She did not. It must have shown on her face because he raised an eyebrow calling her bluff. It made her laugh nonetheless.

"You wanted to make an impression, Dr Grey? Just admit it."

He picked up the car seat and the box and they started walking toward the hospital.

"You changed shirt. Bought yourself a new one…"

"How do you know that?"

Meredith slowed down and tore the label out.

"That's an expensive shirt."

"I have expensive tastes."

"Who's trying to make an impression?"

"I only wanted to keep the bloody one as a souvenir."

"I don't have anything from you."

"Well, we can work on that." He said while opening the door for her. His phone rang and he paused to answer. Meredith uneasily stopped to wait for him.

The smile soon faded on Warren's face though.

"What did you just say? You did not send the police after my surgeons? No, you did not because you care for your career right now. So tell me you did not? Damn it! You're an idiot! I need to talk with someone with half a brain."

Meredith surveyed the lobby before lowering her gaze to the floor. She fidgeted slightly for a minute and looked at her watch. Wendy will probably drop Bailey and Ellis in a couple of hours. She should call the nursery to warn them.

"Dr Meredith Grey-Shepherd?"

She turned slowly. Two police officers in uniforms and one dressed as a civilian walked toward her.

"Yes, that's me. Just Dr Grey is fine though."

"I'm Detective Mills. We need to ask you a few questions, Dr Grey. Shouldn't you be in your room resting? We went upstairs and did not find you."

Well, it seemed it was a question she should ask herself too.

"Me… I… I just … I got down to… pick up a few things. You want to talk to me... about what exactly. I don't know much. I was simply trying to help. I just… I didn't see the children… in the car…"

"Please, follow us. We can drive you to the office."

"My daughter is upstairs…in the nursery. I'm waiting for my two youngest. They will be arriving soon."

"It won't be too long I promise."

Meredith took a deep breath and nodded shakily. She started to follow them but paused at the door.

"I don't have any ID or… anything on me. "

"You don't need it."

"I don't know. I told you… I didn't see the children. I have children. I would never hurt children."

"Dr Grey, please…"

"She's not going with you." Warren said before he finally hung the call.

"I'm not?" Meredith turned toward him worriedly.

"Dr Grey is not allowed to leave this hospital. She was poly-traumatized as of this morning. She won't be discharged before her scans cleared her."

"We just catch her walking about."

"She was with me retrieving valuable things from her car, nothing too extraneous. You can talk to her in the conference room if you want. But she must be under medical surveillance at all time. Meaning I'm coming with you."

"It's not really… how…"

Warren grabbed Meredith's arm and started walking before the detective could properly protest.

"You can lean, Dr Grey?"

She did as she was told and slowed her steps to his purposefully.

"What are you doing?" She whispered in his ears.

" I'm trying to prevent you from doing something silly again. You seemed of making a habit of doing just that."

"You don't even work here technically."

"Do you wanna tell him?"

"I am a board member. I can I hire you sort of."

"Now you're talking… but don't talk too much. Just brief answers will be just fine. It's alright if you don't remember either."

"Alright, doctor. But you're in trouble too… I heard you on the phone. Something is happening with you. It was just like this morning… Though worse."

"Don't worry about that. Everything will be fine."

"You promise?"

"No."

"Good, I don't like being lied to and cuddle into a false sense of comfort."

"I would never do that to you, Meredith. You don't need it. You're tough."

As they arrived in front of the elevator, Maggie was just getting out, the door closing behind her as Alex went back upstairs.

"Oh Mer… Sorry I took so long I had to talk to Mr Pollard… but he was gone and... I met with… Alex and... What's happening?"

"I will be in the conference room with the police officers and Warren… You can tell Richard… and Catherine where to find me."

"Do you need a lawyer?" Maggie frowned.

"Of course not, Dr Pierce… I understand you're worried but it's all for nothing. The detective just want her word with Dr Grey, and she didn't do anything wrong, nor has she anything to hide."

Meredith nodded with a crisped smile, the self-assured one reserve to patient's family after she had just explained how delicate the situation was.

"Of course… Okay… Great!" Maggie nodded. As soon as they got inside the elevator and the doors closed in front of her, Maggie ran to find Richard.

A/N: A last thought, I feel I had Meredith be a bit harsh on insurance companies and their employees, considering I am an insurance broker, specialized into dealing with grieving families during the life insurance policy payment process. I simply felt like Meredith wouldn't like the professional sympathy and that struck a chord in her. But we're not bad people, we do have have hearts. I wanted to say that because I felt my profession was being dissed. ( by none other than my damn self lol).