3:02AM
A figure stares into the cold, sterile hospital room: Observant, concerned, guilty. His eyes were led around the room, from the darkened corners to the machines, before finally dropping to the comatose woman in bed. He wants to go in there, wants to sit beside her and hold her hand and tell her that he was sorry for everything that had happened, for everything he'd done and hadn't done-
But then he notices the pair sleeping fitfully in chairs beside her, and he knows they're there to keep watch over her. He's grateful for that at least; knowing that she has friends, people who love her and care for her. It crosses his mind that he doesn't recognize either of them, they weren't from their time, in fact they seemed like they were from another word entirely. They wouldn't know him and even if they had, he knew they wouldn't let him any further than the doorway. She's suffered enough anyway and, on the off chance the commotion would wake her, he's sure that he is the last person she wants to see. So he stays where he is, the silent observer. She had good friends, she was as safe as she could be there, resting. Just resting, he told himself, assuring himself that was all she was doing.
The thought of her son crosses his mind and he can't help but feel like he should do something, but what could he do? He couldn't do anything, not without her, never without her. He wasn't even half the man he had been without her. He prays, silently, for the first time in many years, he prays for her recovery, for her healthy, for her happiness. She deserves to be happy, she deserves to have a nice life. She's always been more deserving than him, he's able to acknowledge that after all the time that had passed.
He stays like that for a long time, noting the two sleeping would shift slightly every so often(and of course they would, who could be comfortable in those ungodly hospital chairs?) but Olivia stayed in her bed, laying there unmoving, unfeeling, hell perhaps it wasn't even her in there anymore. A long, heavy sigh escapes his lips before he whispers, "I'm sorry Olivia."
And then he turns on his heel and he leaves. He's caused her enough pain.
When Lewis woke in the very early hours of the morning it was because of the dampness he could feel through his shirt, and the smell of sweat and sickness that tugged in hazy memories of childhood; of overly hot summers in Kentucky, a soft woman's voice singing lullabies, a cloth, cool and comforting, pressed to his forehead, "Lewis…" He couldn't place a face to the voice, but a dull ache crept into his chest, tightening it's vice, "Sweetheart…"
His eyes snapped open as he felt a shiver, blinking wildly for a moment and wondering just where the hell that memory had come from, finally looking down and coming face to face with a child-Olivia's child- no, his child sleeping fitfully drenched in his own sweat.
"Noah?" He gave the boy a little shake, shocked at how hot his skin felt to touch, "Shit, Noah? Hey, wake up, wake up! I gotta take your temperature."
The child's only response was a soft groan and eyes that opened only briefly before he returned to sleep.
"Come on, you couldn't have gotten fucking sick at a worse time, why couldn't you have just waited til we were in Canada?" He hissed, grabbing the thermometer and propping the boy up, "Fine, stay sleeping, that's never stopped me before." He grumbled, opening the child's mouth and sticking the thermometer under his tongue withdrawing it quickly at the beep. 103. "Shit." He set it aside, "Shit, shit, shit!" He curses. While Lewis's knowledge of children were limited he knew that a temperature of 103 definitely wasn't good, in fact it was probably bad enough to warrant a trip to the hospital.
"He needs to go to the hospital!"
"No, god damnit! You're not taking him, I said he's fine no quit 'yer nagging and let him sleep it off!"
That memory struck him so hard he almost forgot where he was and what he was doing for a few seconds, trying to brush it off as quickly and suddenly as it had come on. His focus needed to here, he needed to figure out what to do with this sick kid. But a hospital? That was impossible, he had not worked that hard to keep Noah just to leave him in a hospital because of a little fever.
"Hey!" He shook Noah again, "Wake up kid you need to take medicine."
The child gave a weak groan, eyes barely able to even crack themselves open before a pained moan escaped the boy's lips, "I don't feel good..."
"Well that's not exactly a surprise now is it?" He sneered, "You're sick, of course you don't feel good. Take the medicine."
"Noooo, I don't want to!" He protested.
Lewis growled in irritation, setting it down on the nightstand and shrugging, "Fine, die then! Be my guest, really! Not like I didn't try to help you." And he turns away from Noah before laying back down.
A soft whimper broke the silence and the seconds that followed it were filled with sudden weak sobs.
The fleeting thought of hitting the boy in the back of the head again to knock him out came briefly to him but then again that came with the huge risk of concussion, as if Noah wasn't already bad enough, so instead he opts to at least try and be a parent, turning back over, "What are you crying about now?" He snapped groggily.
"I don't want to die!"
"Well no duh." He picks the medicine back up and holds it out to the child, "You won't die if you take the medicine." He'd said it but now Lewis wasn't so sure. He could hear the rattling in Noah's chest far louder now. Surely children couldn't die from a little flu could they?
Noah gulped down the medicine and laid back down, shaking, despite being under the covers.
"Do you want something to eat?" He offered knowing that the kid was probably hungry.
Noah shook his head, "Not hungry."
"...You sure?"
The boy shot him a deadly look that rivaled only that of Olivia's, "Okay, okay, geez..." Lewis raised his hands in mock surrender, "Have you ever been sick like this before?"
The boy shrugged. Of course, how would he remember? "Mama said I got really sick when I was a baby and had to stay in the hospital for a long time." He remembers that much, his mother had explained the story to him when he'd had a cough, telling him that he had to be extra careful so he didn't sick again.
"Oh," He hates this feeling, insecurity, confusion, it wasn't right, it wasn't him. He didn't feel those things, they were signs of weakness which he wasn't. "Well, you'll be fine I'm sure, don't worry." He pushed back hair that had been slick against his forehead before letting Noah slump downward and back into sleep.
A few minutes passed, then 10, then 20 and Lewis watched the rise and fall of his chest, wondering, just before he drifted back to sleep, how long would it take before those little lungs gave out?
8:18AM
"Rafael…?" The voice was quiet but certainly not quiet enough and he had half a mind to snap at whoever dared to wake him when...reality hit. He gave a soft groan.
"Yeah well, sleeping like that in a chair will do that to you."
It was Carisi, suddenly Rafael didn't feel so bad about ignoring him, batting his hand away slightly.
"Come on Barba, why don't you back to the hotel and get some rest?" He offers, "I'll even drive you back."
"Jesus Christ-- Carisi," He grumbles, "Just leave me alone before I turn into someone you really won't like."
"Aw Rafael, I could never not like you!" Sonny lays on the charm so thick it's nearly dripping from his mouth, "I brought coffee."
Now that, Rafael could understand, cracking an eye open slowly and sitting up, "The changing of the guard." He mumbles wryly, wincing at the sound of his back cracking when he stretched. "Where's the coffee?" He glanced at his phone, "Slept through my alarm..." He grumbled.
"That's probably for the best." Carisi handed him a warm cup, "You and Rollins needed the rest. How're you feeling?"
"Does it matter?" He asked, rolling his eyes, "I'm fine...I just...I'm as fine as I'm going to be giving the current situation." He glanced at Amanda who still seemed to be asleep before turning back to Carisi, "Chief Dodds called last night, made her do an exam on Liv so if she's in a bit of a mood just give her space."
Carisi seemed surprised but nodded knowingly, "She's okay though?"
"I don't know." Rafael answered honestly, "Last night was...really, really rough. She shouldn't have had to do that."
"Why didn't she call me or Fin?"
"What, are you kidding?" He gave a half-laugh, "No offense to either of you but this is Liv we're talking about and if it were up to her there would be no exam."
"You're probably right." He answered before walking around putting a hand on Amanda's shoulder, shaking lightly just as he'd done with Rafael, "Hey, 'Manda?"
Unlike Rafael's slow coaxing, her eyes snapped open and she was up in an instant, sending Sonny stumbling backwards, nearly crashing into Olivia's bed.
"Is everything okay!?" She was looking around frantically.
"Amanda, i-it's okay! Everything's alright I was just waking you up." Sonny recovered fairly quickly, taking a step towards her, "I-I brought coffee, do you want some?"
"Carisi!" She snapped, "I thought something was wrong, don't do that!" She rubbed her face with her hands, taking a deep breath, "I don't want coffee, just leave me alone."
"Alright, alright." He turned back to Rafael with a look of concern on his face, but it wasn't as if he wanted his head bitten off, he'd leave Amanda alone if that's what she desired.
"What's going on in here?" Fin asked, poking his head into the room.
"Nothing, nothing. I just spooked Amanda waking her up." He mumbled, shuffling his head slightly. It reminded Rafael of a child who'd just been scolded.
"Well, we've got company so…" He shrugged.
"Hasn't she been crowded enough?" Amanda snapped, "Who!? Who could possibly want to see her now?"
"Well, I guess it's a good thing that I don't take up a lot of space. Looks like you'll have to wait your turn Don."
Amanda whipped around, nearly falling out of her chair in shock to see Munch and Cragen standing there in the doorway, "I…"
"It's alright Amanda." Munch waved her off, "High tensions, you didn't know."
"Neither did we." Fin pipes up, "Next time try giving us a call before you decide to make a surprise visit." He's joking of course.
"Captain Cragen, I'm sorry." Amanda apologizes meekly, slowly standing up and out of her chair. She doesn't care that he technically isn't Captain anymore, he'd always be Captain Cragen to her.
He shakes his head, "No, don't be. We decided to come up, figured that maybe you guys could use a break."
"A break?" Amanda chuckles, "If only we could." She glances at Olivia and bites her lip to stop tears from coming, "She hasn't woken up yet…"
"Hey, it's alright Amanda." Cragen puts a hand on her shoulder, "Olivia is a fighter and she is going to wake up."
"Yeah but...Noah."
"You're gonna get him back." Cragen sounded so sure it was a relief to Amanda, "It's only a matter of time. You and Barba need to get some real food, can't live on coffee." When she tried to protest he shook his head, "I don't want to hear any ands, ifs, or buts about it you two. Munch and I will stay with her until you guys get back."
"Don't trust us? We've taken care of Olivia longer than you've been on the job." Munch quipped.
Amanda weakly turned to look at Olivia. She didn't want to leave her side: what if she woke up, what if-?
"If she starts to wake up then you will be the first one to know." Cragen always did have a habit of being able to tell what his detectives were thinking.
"...We won't be gone long." Amanda mumbled before turning away from her friend to look at her former boss, "If anything happens, anything, call me."
Munch and Cragen took seats beside Olivia's bed, watching as the others reluctantly filed out, seemingly terrified to let Olivia leave her sight again, the absolute worst wasn't over yet and...they couldn't even think of what Lewis's next moves would entail. They were quiet for a moment before Cragen spoke up, "I met her mother once." He reminisced, "She begged me to have Olivia reassigned, she didn't want her working anywhere near Special Victims."
"She would have been so proud of her if she could have seen her. Liv is...perhaps the most capable and resilient woman I've ever met. Special Victims is one of the hardest places to be but she's been there for 20 years. I'd even go so far as to say that she's better than us."
"Well," Cragen chuckles, "Let's not go that far."
The two men are grateful for the lighthearted exchange before their focus is back on her, "She's going to wake up soon."
"Oh? You can see the future?" Munch jabs.
"No but I know Olivia." Cragen sighs, "If she dies, he wins and she's never going to let him win. He won most of the battles but she'll win the war."
Both agree in silence.
When Lewis wakes up morning has officially come and a sliver of light peaked through the closed curtains makes him certain that it isn't some ungodly hour anymore. Despite the low temperature in their room Noah's skin was still far warmer than it should have been and no matter how many times he asked the boy if he was too warm he always answered that he was cold before burying himself back under the covers. It was calmer now though than it had been in the early hours of the morning, at the very least his breathing had evened out and that annoying whimpering had ceased. He actually looked sort of peaceful, lying there. Good, he thought, Best he gets all the rest he needs to break that damn fever. He rolled out of bed and stretched, ignoring the crick in neck, no doubt a result of his awkward sleeping position before he heard his stomach growl, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. It had been a while since either of them had eaten anything.
"Noah," He called softly to the boy, leaning over the bed and whispering, "I'm going to get us breakfast alright? You want anything?" He doesn't want to wake the kid up too quickly.
When the child rolled over, hair in disarray, cheeks seemingly stained a soft scarlet flush from the fever he could certainly understand Olivia's desire for a kid; kids were cute, hell, had he not known the truth then Lewis would never have second guessed Olivia being his mother Noah, they looked alike, even if they couldn't see it, he could. It was good that Noah was cute, a cute face made him all the more useful, he had once relied on his charm and good looks to lure girls into a false sense of security but now with the unsightly scar on his face...It was good that he had a cute son to use. "Pancakes." He rasped, breaking Lewis from his thoughts, little arms shaking slightly as he propped himself up; it took great deal of effort to do so, "And milk…"
"You're sick, how about juice instead?" He offered, pushing a couple curls off his face. There was a lot of things Lewis could stomach, but cleaning up this kid's vomit was not one of them.
"Mmkay." And with that the boy collapsed back down onto the bed into slumber.
"You're already looking better buddy," he pulled the blanket back over Noah, "When I get back we'll see if you can keep anything down." He waited a few minutes to make sure the child had fallen back to sleep, mumbling to himself, "Not sure I need to cuff you, you aren't going anywhere in that condition." He should, he knows that, but he supposes that perhaps it's pity for his current state that keeps Lewis from going forward with it and when he leaves, he makes sure to take the phone with him; no use in driving aimlessly to find something to eat in that dead end town, he didn't have time for that. Regardless of whether Noah was better or not they were leaving for Canada within 48 hours, this was too dangerous and, he was going to run out of luck soon. Hopping into the car and starting the drive his hand subconsciously clung to the phone, an particularly awful idea swirling in his head.
Lewis...Come on now, don't be stupid. He tried to convince himself to play it safe, to act like he had a sound head on his shoulders...
But then again he was a glutton for punishment, wasn't he?
Breakfast is a quiet and somber affair. Carisi at first tries to make small talk, doing anything he could to lighten the mood but it became glaringly obvious that it would do no good. Amanda picked at a plate of pancakes while Rafael had taken a couple bites of his toast before setting it down with disinterest.
"Hunger strike?" Fin asked, "You really think Liv wouldn't want you to eat?"
Rafael rolls his eyes, "I didn't let you two drag me out of the hospital to patronize me. Of course she'd want us to eat, she'd want us to be normal, she'd want us not to let this affect us like it has but the fact is that she isn't here to tell us that herself." He picks up his toast and takes a rather large bite, and Amanda follows suit. Neither would admit to Fin being right, but he sees it and so does Carisi. A win for them.
"Any new leads while we were asleep?" Amanda asked tiredly, as if she doesn't already know the answer.
"..." Both are silent, Amanda drops her fork on her plate.
"What," She cuts them off, "And don't say you don't want to tell me. What did he do now?"
"...Early this morning they found a Jane Doe, dead on the side of the road. Single bullet to the head, right beside the stolen car that Lewis had been driving from Manhattan." Carisi admits, he and Fin had heard of it from Dodds who had apparently been calling in favors himself to get the necessary information.
"How old?" Rafael didn't know why he was asking.
"No younger than 16 but no older than 23. No ID, no nothing, they're still trying to figure out who this girl was."
"Damnit," Amanda hissed, "Where was this?"
She met Fin's gaze as he almost immediately looked away.
"I told you," Her voice was quiet before she had slammed her hands down on the table and stood so abruptly her chair clattered behind her, "I told you that we should have gone after him! We know where he is and you won't come with me to get him because of technicalities!?" She didn't wait for an answer, storming out of the dinner without looking back and jumping into the car she'd driven up in with Carisi. He could ride with Fin and Rafael, she didn't care, she just wanted to be away from them, all of them.
She didn't want to worry Cragen or Munch but the idea that they had been so close-! They could have prevented that poor woman's death, she knew it. Amanda sat there by herself and waited for them, not really wanting to have to be in a car with any of them but was it fair for her to make off with their car like that? No, no it wasn't. She was almost relieved when it was Carisi who jumped into the car after a little while; she wasn't sure if she could stand Fin at that moment, not after the info he'd given her.
"Amanda…"
"Don't Carisi," She cut him off, "Nothing you, or Fin, or anyone can say to me will mean anything, we know where he is and if we had gone after him sooner then that girl would still be alive!"
"It's not your fault-" He cut in, before realizing that he'd made the situation worse when he saw tears in her eyes.
"It is!" She sobbed, wiping at her eyes, "It is my fault! I knew that I should have just gone to check out more leads but-!"
Sonny glance out the window to notice that Fin and Barba had already pulled away before his attention was fully on Amanda, pulling her into a hug, "Hey...It...There was nothing we could do because of what the law says-"
"Then screw the law!" She didn't even hesitate, "Carisi I need you to promise me something." Their eyes met and he was startled by how frantic hers looked, "If I go after him you'll have my back, won't you?"
"Amanda I-"
"Please Carisi," She took his hands in hers, "If I don't then more innocent people are going to die, Noah is going to die."
Carisi was glad no one else was around, "Alright." This was a bad idea, he could feel it but he didn't like the thought of others being dragged into this, and he certainly didn't like the idea of having to tell Olivia that her son was gone or worse, "Alright if...if you go after him I am behind you all the way."
A bit of the intensity that she'd been holding seemed to roll off her, shoulders relaxing slightly, "Thank you Carisi." She leaned back in her seat, rubbing her temples as Carisi drove back to the hospital in silence.
She's floating alone in a calm and dark sea.
Is this death? She wonders miserably, Or is this limbo, where I'll stay because of my actions in life. If it is she feels like it's what she deserves. Yes, she's done good in the world but she could vividly remember her countless knows. Taking the wrong side, failing to protect a victim, the crimes she committed-
She knew they would catch up to her sooner or later she had just hoped it would have been later.
A piece of Olivia, floating out somewhere on that distant ocean, knows that this isn't the case. This isn't heaven, or limbo, or hell even. She knows she's still alive, sometimes she'd feel the flutter of someone touching her skin, the movement of a blanket, and sometimes she'd catch the whisper of a voice, but always just a whisper and never enough for her to understand what it is saying or who is saying it.
She's desperate to call out to the voice, to ask what it's saying to her but no matter how hard she tries she's still too far off, too lost inside her own head and yet there's still so much she needs to do.
"Come on Olivia," She says to herself, "You have to wake up…" She recalls her brief meeting with Dodds, Sonya, and her mother. She hadn't wanted to wake up then but now?
Noah.
Her son was still out there, her son who had already been through so much in his short life. Her son who was a fighter. Her son who had somehow managed to gain the upper hand against Lewis, something that Olivia found herself almost completely incapable of doing!
Fine, don't live for yourself. Live for him, live for Noah! You are all that little boy has, he needs you and you can't abandon him.
And that? That was something that both the old and new Olivia Benson knew she was capable of doing.
9:31AM
"We're gonna head out, okay? Get out of your hair." Munch was the first to stand in the tiny room which, with 6 people, not including Olivia in her bed, had become quite cramped and no one seemed eager to leave, "Call us if anything else happens, alright?" He received a nod from Fin.
Cragen walked up to Amanda, "Keep following the leads, see where they take you." He would never encourage his detectives to go rogue, he'd dealt with plenty of that from Olivia and Elliot, kept them out of trouble but now...Perhaps going rogue was the only way to end this and he hated to think that way, but he saw that look in Amanda's eyes and he knew. He always could see it in them...
"Thanks, Cap." Amanda replied softly, watching as the two former SVU members exited the room, and while the space still felt small, there was at least more room to move around in, "Any more information about the newest vic?" Amanda asked.
Fin's silence served as the only answer she'd receive.
"Did you at least tell Dodds about our hunch?"
"Yeah but until we have solid evidence he told us we're staying here with Liv." Fin didn't like it either, but he knew that with all the media coverage surrounding this case and the pressure he was sure that came from 1PP, Dodds would not hesitate to fire them if he had an inkling they were planning something behind his back or deliberately withholding information.
Rafael turned to the group, "The newest victim, where was she found?" He knew he wasn't exactly a detective but maybe a fresh pair of eyes wouldn't hurt.
"A secluded patch of road. To anyone it would have looked like a carjacking gone wrong but she was beside the car he was last seen with and the local precinct told us that once they get the autopsy results back they'll let us know if she was sexually assaulted." Sonny answered.
Rollins forced herself to stop a roll of the eyes, "I doubt we need a confirmation based on his previous victims…" That shuts them up and she's grateful for the silence, anything other than listening to them talk about a nameless victim whose blood was on their hands. More people were going to die; the thought occurred to her suddenly and even as she tried to shake it off she was able to acknowledge that it was likely the truth. Lewis had a habit of making victims out of anyone whom he saw an opportunity to take advantage of. It would be just like this nameless victim, just like that officer who he'd shot in Suffolk County.
They've all run out of things to say; all of their optimism, their hope? It, much like Olivia, seemed to be stuck on a ventilator. If they had to pull that plug then well, they may as well have been dooming Noah.
And then it happens. Fleeting and sudden, so quick that one might think they were hearing things: a soft, short whimper comes not from them, but from Olivia. And when their heads snap to look they can see the face of their Lieutenant, their friend, twitching softly.
And again, another soft whimper confirms for them that this is not a dream, this is reality and they were very much there bearing witness such a miracle.
Olivia Benson lives to fight another day.