Fallen Petal
by Kuro Warau
A/N: Here I am again with chapter 21 of Fallen Petal. I can't believe how many people keep reading and supporting me, it's just so lovely to see every favorite, follow and review. I know I've said so many times, but it really is one of the most inspiring things for me to know that my stories are appreciated and that people get emotionally involved with the characters and the entire plot. I know I, with all due respect, am borrowing characters from Hino-sensei, but still, two writers can't be the same and my story does produce characters that, while I try to keep them as close as possible to the original characters, does sort of get a life of their own because I'm portraying them the way I see them. Besides, experiences shape people and so does plot lines to characters. So thank you once again for all the great support you're all showing me and thank you for following the story through more than two years and more than twenty chapters.
Some of you may have noticed that this chapter was a bit delayed compared to the tempo I've been trying to keep through the latest chapters. This is because I wrote almost the entire chapter out before realizing that I actually didn't think it was very good and I reread it and thought it somewhat clumsy, so I ended up deleting like more than half of the chapter and starting all over again. So I apologize for the delay, but hopefully it was worth it. I can be very critical of my own work and will not publish if I'm not satisfied with it. Sorry, but I hope it will be worth the wait.
This is more of a slow chapter where the main focus lies on the internal conflicts between the main characters, namely the contrast between Kaname's bond with Zero and his bond with the other vampires. So not much action this chapter around, more of a talking-thinking chapter. I hope that that's okay and that it'll still be enjoyable to read for all of my lovely readers!
So, once more, I hope you'll all enjoy this new chapter of Fallen Petal!
Chapter Twenty-One: Worlds Apart
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The icy wind blew past the two figures on the box rapidly, chilling Zero to the bone on one side while the other was kept warm by Kaname's ever-present internal heater. Head leaning on the pureblood's shoulder, it rose and fell down in sync with Kaname's breathing, a certain calm feeling spreading throughout the hunter with every slow movement. They had been seated like that for a long time, neither willing to break the moment. Eventually, Zero almost suspected that Kaname had fallen asleep, breathing slow and regular and body still apart from the continuous rise and fall of his chest. Looking up at him, however, Zero could notice that his eyes were still open, gaze distant and indicating that he simply preferred to enjoy the current peaceful situation just like the hunter himself. Those deep, dark orbs were completely enrapturing, keeping Zero's eyes locked as soon as he looked into them. It was difficult to describe exactly what color they were. Red, but not usually the burning blood-red of vampires. They had a burgundy tone, almost like wine, and with a dark-brown hue in certain lights. Before the hunter's musings could progress further, though, he realized, somewhat shamefully, that he was having long, intricate thoughts about the pureblood's eye color, coursing him to let out a small chuckle. He could well hear how much of a love-struck fool he was being, a role that certainly didn't sit well with him. The sound, however, caught the pureblood's attention, stirring him from his own musings about a certain hunter.
"What is it?" Kaname asked, smiling slyly down at the hunter curled up against him on the box. "What are you thinking of?" Zero chuckled again, arm sliding around the pureblood's back. His other arm was held up in front of his face, shielding it from the worst rain and wind. "Just how you've spoiled me completely," he responded mischievously. By now, they were both thoroughly soaked, barely an inch of dry clothing on them. Even the hunter's outer jacket was no match for the downpour, so his inner shirt wasn't dry or warm anymore either. He would have been freezing horribly if it wasn't because Kaname was right beside him, despite the fact that the pureblood's clothing was just as soaked as his own was.
"Is that so? In what way, if I may ask?" the pureblood retorted teasingly, giving Zero a slight squeeze. Kaname seemed in an unusually good mood. It wasn't often that he fooled around, but when he did, it was usually spurred on by the hunter's general attitude, such as now. In that sense, they were very different. Just like Zero loathed showcasing his feelings while Kaname was very romantic, the hunter had a carefree, relaxed attitude as opposed to the pureblood's very proper and occasionally somewhat stiff ways.
Pushing himself off of the box and out of the pureblood's arms, Zero struggled with removing as much water from his jacket as possible, despite knowing all along that it was a lost cause. "Because you make me behave like a complete idiot," he said, pulling the almost-dripping garment over himself. Kaname shrugged and smiled innocently up at him from his position at the box, slight chuckle on his lips as he observed the hunter's futile attempts.
Kaname had given up on keeping his clothes dry, not to mention clean, a long time ago himself. He hadn't had a fresh set of clothing for many, many years, not having had the chance since the war started. Most vampires were in a similar situation. In the beginning, he had tried to keep them as nice and clean as possible, but very soon, it had proved impossible to keep clothing in proper shape when worn constantly. They were dirty, often slightly damp and his jacket had multiple bloodstains. This hadn't gone unnoticed by Zero, but because the hunter well knew why it was so, he hadn't previously commented on it.
Now, however, in this freezing weather were he himself struggled to stay warm even with multiple layers to protect him, he couldn't help but pay attention to the pureblood's state. Kaname was just as soaked as he was, the pureblood was wearing at least two layers less and the fabric was so worn out and patched together that they hardly could be considered warming even if they had been dry. "I know you can't freeze just from this, but seriously… You should take better care of your physical health…" the hunter murmured, his voice softly contemplating instead of accusing. He knew Kaname would have dressed very differently and much more appropriately if he had had the choice.
The pureblood shrugged slightly, letting his gaze run down over his clothes. He knew even better than Zero how likely it was that he should come into contact with new clothing anytime soon. The only possibility for that was if he took it from hunters, but the hunter clothing Kaname might get access to was always covered in blood and grime anyway. Besides, nearly all vampires would never, no matter how sorry the state of their clothing, accept to take some that had belonged to a hunter. It simply wasn't acceptable to take anything from hunters, and with good reason. Who wanted to walk around in the clothing of their family and friends' murderer? Taking blood from dead hunters was the exception that everyone knew happened, everyone did and everyone generally ignored altogether in the common understanding that sometimes, there was just no helping it. But clothing was far from vital, especially not with a vampire's ability to withstand the harsh environment. So taking or accepting clothing from hunters was not a proper way of obtaining new clothes seen through vampire eyes. Thus, Zero's clothing would be no good either.
"I know… I have tried mending it many times, but it just doesn't help for very long because it's so worn down by now," Kaname said with an apologizing smile, hand sliding through his hair to wipe away the water. Zero nodded slightly, once again letting his eyes travel down the pureblood. "Do you bathe in the sea at this time of year…?" he asked, casting a doubting glance at the icy rain pouring down over them. Being as cold as he currently was just from being exposed to the weather through jackets and whatnot, he could only imagine the chill of the seawater.
"Yeah, we do," the pureblood confirmed, following Zero's gaze to the grey clouds above them. "That's why my clothes are worse in winter. It gets better once the water is warm enough to make it worth washing." He shrugged again, signaling that he agreed with the hunter, but knew that there was nothing to be done about it. Kaname knew it was sort of miserable, but he was so used to it by now that he rarely paid it much heed. It was not the purely physical conditions that bothered him much. He may have grown up rather lavishly, but ten years of living through fighting meant that a little cold water did not matter much.
Zero observed him quietly, eyes softly saddened. Whenever the pureblood told him about the conditions he faced on a daily basis, the hunter was always equally shocked and saddened. Perhaps it was merely that Kaname's everyday life was so radically different to what Zero knew in so many ways that he had a hard time wrapping his mind around it, but he just couldn't understand how the pureblood could stand living like that after going through all the suffering he had, of which many parts were still unknown to the hunter, and still have the capacity to be as loving and accepting as he was. How he could stand having his life shattered so thoroughly and so deeply, but still manage to somehow live on. And whenever Zero heard of it, it didn't fail to fill him with an ever stronger feeling of unfairness. What all vampires had to live with just could not be fair. And it disgusted the hunter to know that it was his family, his friends and his colleagues who had been the cause of Kaname's personal losses.
"I'm sorry. I guess I can't fully understand what you have to live with," he said, almost sounding as if he tried to make an apology on behalf of his entire race. The pureblood smiled gently up at him. He knew Zero felt divided and that it hurt him double-up whenever Kaname told him anything about the state of things. The pureblood knew he felt responsible. But he was also aware that Zero was being entirely serious when he said he had trouble comprehending what it was really like and was shocked whenever he discovered yet another little piece of everyday life that the vampires had to go without or make a substitute for. In a way, Kaname could fully understand. He wouldn't be so relaxed about it either if it wasn't because he had gotten used to it the hard way.
Smiling slightly, Kaname pulled Zero back down, seating him in the pureblood's lap. "Don't worry about it. I'm used to it. Truthfully, I think it bothers you a lot more than it bothers me. I rarely ever think about it, honestly." He placed a tender kiss on the hunter's cheek, rubbing his back softly in circles to warm him up and calm him down. By now, he was so used to just having to make do with what he had and appreciate that instead of putting his focus on all the many little things he missed that he had almost stopped missing them altogether. He didn't find it bothering that the building he shared with Yuuki lacked windows, apart from whenever it was unpractical in a very down-to-earth sense. He didn't feel that the bed he used was in a state where it was hardly appropriate to talk about a bed at all anymore.
Rather, what he missed was much harder to replace. It was not the loss of his house or his clothes or his money. It was the loss of a home. It was the loss of those he loved. And it was the constant question in the very back of his mind that drove him crazy when he allowed it too much space. Why? What had he ever done to deserve his losses? He lived with them because he had to, he grew to accept and even ignore the everyday trifles, but there were other, deeper things that he could not forget.
The hunter had fallen silent beside him, stroking up and down his cheek gently. He made no objection, but looked like he had reached the same conclusion as Kaname – that the pureblood didn't miss better conditions because he was used to it and had actually sort of forgotten what it was like. Not that he didn't recall what his house had looked like or the contents of his favorite books. The thing he had forgotten was the loss of those items, not the items themselves. He had forgotten that it would have seemed unnatural to expect not to get dinner. The harsh exception had become the everyday norm.
To Zero, the conditions the pureblood lived under now might seem tough and unbearable. To Kaname, it was a vast improvement that he had accepted with joy at the time they were presented to him. The pureblood had experienced worse during his time fleeing to Hokkaido. That had been an unbearable hardship, this was bad conditions that he barely registered as bad anymore.
Despite what everyone seemed to believe, even despite what he himself, rationally, believed, he still considered the losses he and his closest had suffered during their escape his own fault. And that was a heavy burden to live with, even now. He had grown up on the run because life had presented itself to him in the very worst of ways. Surrounded by death, surrounded by misery and, perhaps worst of all, encircled by the endless expanses behind him and the endless expanses he had yet to overcome. It was a hopelessness that stuck with him even now, the feeling never really having left his body.
It was different with Zero. Despite knowing close to nothing of the whole matter, the pureblood never really having cared to elaborate much on the subject, the hunter somehow managed to soothe him in a way that not even Yuuki had been capable of. Time and time again, she and many others had convinced him that they knew why he had made the decisions that he had, that they understood why it needed to be done and that they thought he had done the only right thing. And he had believed them. He had believed that they did not blame him for what had happened. But that did not stop him from blaming himself, it never had.
Zero's complete acceptance of Kaname as a person, combined with his ability to read the pureblood like no one had ever quite done before, was something different that somehow hit the right note in Kaname. He had always been fully aware that he had injured his own mind seriously during their escape. But now, he was equally aware that there was something Zero did to his mind that was helping it, if not forget or forgive, then at least make the burden seem less bad. Like a doctor breaking a bone to set it right after it had mended together wrongly by itself.
Kaname smiled tenderly up at the hunter, leaning up to kiss him gently for a short second. The cutest part was that Zero was completely unknowing about the whole thing. He wasn't trying to relieve the pureblood's stress or guilt or worries, he just had that effect on him. To Kaname, Zero was the reason that he was able to feel that this whole war after all had contributed to something positive.
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"You've been unusually cheerful for a couple of months now. May I inquire as to the occasion?" Takuma asked, chuckling slightly as he exaggerated his naturally high-class accent and vocabulary. Kaname smiled slightly as he received a cup of water, pulling his legs up as the noble sat down beside him. "Sure you can, but I don't know if you would get a proper answer." The pureblood sipped the liquid gently, letting it roll on his tongue. Warm. Almost like tea if the slightly metallic taste from the bucket in which it had been collected was taken into account.
The noble sat down beside him, gently leaning his head up against Kaname's shoulder much in the same way as Zero had done a couple of hours previously. "I know there's something on your mind, you know…? You don't have to share it, but… you can share it with me if it is, okay?" he murmured, tentatively balancing his voice between comforting and persuasive. He knew Kaname hated when people pressed him, but at the same time, Takuma wanted to know what he was thinking about and what he had spent a good deal of the past weeks thinking about. He could usually tell when something was bothering the pureblood and then he usually avoided mentioning it. But this particular diversion did not seem like Kaname's previous bouts of melancholy and Takuma was finding himself increasingly intrigued. The pureblood nodded slightly, making no further comment as he continued sipping the warm water absentmindedly.
Takuma looked up at him gently, inwardly sighing ever so slightly. He felt like a spoiled fool for not being satisfied about the friendship he shared with Kaname. They were very close, he knew that. As far as anyone could fully understand Kaname, Takuma felt that he did. But he wanted it to be more and it wasn't. He wanted to know more and he couldn't. He merely wished that Kaname wouldn't be so alone with his thoughts. Of course he would have preferred to see himself as the pureblood's closest confident, but anyone could do as long as it meant that Kaname could talk about the things he obviously did not feel like sharing even with his closest circle of friends and family. There was a distance between them that it just did not seem possible to fully close. It was a futile wish to make and yet he did.
There were so many things he would have liked to ask, so many things he felt he ought to say. But it was always like this. The words were stuck inside of him because he could not predict how Kaname would respond, only that it would inevitably be a rejection. And that frightened him. Watching the pureblood's silent face now, the slight smile on his lips and the tender gaze in his eyes, the noble could not help but realize with a sharp little stab of sadness just like always that Kaname would do everything for him, but that he could do nothing to pay it back. The pureblood was set in stone when it came to giving himself away in order to protect those he held dear. In spite of that, Takuma knew that he essentially was crumbling away under the pressure and the noble felt absolutely powerless to make a difference. The pureblood was just not about to let him come close enough.
Kaname finished his drink in silence, gaze shifting between the night sky visible through the open window and the blond noble leaning against his shoulder. Although Takuma had never directly said anything about it, the pureblood knew that the noble did not view him the same way he did Hanabusa and Yuuki. That saddened the pureblood a lot, it always had, but recently, after meeting Zero, it had just gotten a whole lot worse. Kaname had experienced love and thus had gotten the wiser about the nature of the noble's feelings. And it hurt him to think that Takuma should suffer an unrequited love.
Even so, despite knowing that it would perhaps end up hurting his best friend all the more in the end, he tried to treat him kindly and show that he did appreciate what they actually did have, their friendship. He couldn't bear to distance himself or let the noble know for sure that Kaname did not feel the same way. He had considered revealing that he actually loved someone else, but that would create more trouble than he was willing to deal with at the moment and certainly more than it was worth. Besides, even if he had not been in love with Zero and considered himself in a relationship, which he did despite the amount of problems associated with it, he would have been in the same situation anyway, as he had known of Takuma's feelings from way before he ever met the hunter without ever returning them with anything beyond a caring love.
It did pain him that their relation often shifted into an uncomfortable silence because of the noble's inability to let go of his feelings and Kaname's own inability to find the right way to express himself. It wasn't like this when they were with the others, but the pureblood supposed that it was due to the way they had grown into a family over the years. When they were all together, they were a family. When it was merely Kaname and Takuma, their unresolved problem lay between them like a thick cloth. It was a shame really, for both of them personally, but also for the relationship that they could have if Takuma could move on. Even knowing that it was a cruel request to make, Kaname had been close many times.
Sometimes, it seemed as if Takuma was able to let it all go for a while, even at times when it was just the two of them, and then, Kaname truly enjoyed being together with him. And perhaps that was what lay at the root of it all. Kaname did not dislike Takuma, far from it. He was a good friend, his best friend. That was why it pained him to know that he was hurting the noble, why he couldn't pull himself together and simply reject him and why he still wanted to spend time with him even though an awkward silence often settled over them. Because he in some way did love Takuma, just not in the way the noble wanted it to be.
The pureblood turned his head to look down at Takuma, noticing that the noble had done the same and they simply looked at each other for a long moment, exchanging the understanding of the other's feelings that none of them was able to put into words and thereby make official. Kaname knew the noble loved him. Takuma knew his feelings were not returned. And yet they both knew that neither of those feelings would change. They were unable to yield to the other, both of them. And that was what kept them stuck, their relationship never moving either forwards or backwards. Frustrating. Unbearable.
And yet, as they both looked at each other, they couldn't help but smile. At the other, at themselves and at the whole situation. They were smiles of grief and happiness alike. For Takuma, the grief he felt knowing Kaname would never be his combined with the happiness he felt having the pureblood with him in his life after all. For Kaname, the grief of two worlds that only became less and less compatible combined with the happiness that he actually did have so many people he loved so close by him, in spite of everything.
In the end, Zero was on collision course with Kaname's family almost as much as the pureblood was with the hunter's. They couldn't escape that they stood on opposite sides. But they could forget about it, just like he and Takuma could forget about their problems to share a relaxed, friendly moment where it was possible to dwell on just each other. And after all, he and Zero might be on opposite sides. But now they were also tied so strongly together that there was no undoing it. And it was a fact just as unescapable as the conflict between their races.
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To be continued…