We're being followed. It doesn't take much to realize that. But somehow, Jackie seems to be oblivious to all around her. Well, all she doesn't want to see that is. When someone is following you, you can't outwardly tell your partner to shut the fuck up. It gives too much indication that you know you're being followed, and will probably present a fight without being properly prepared. I can understand her ignorance and stupidity, though. If Charon hadn't take then time, so many years ago, to train me briefly I wouldn't have noticed it myself. Small noises, things rustling louder than the wind, the soft noise of dirt crunching beneath someone's feet, are all indications. Plus, the glimmer of movement from the corner of my eye helped me figure it out, too.

"Why don't we play the quiet game?"

I suggest, hoping she'll stop pacing about and sit down. We've set up camp in the middle of the Capital Wasteland. With each safe spot I found during the day, she had to loudly proclaim how amazing it was. I chose instead a small, open area, with nothing special about it. Against all odds, I even killed us a Molerat and made a fire. Jackie won't touch the dead thing but hell, more for me.

"What's the point? It's so loud and big out here anyways."

"Actually it's quite peaceful. If you let it."

I hiss, chewing on a piece of cooked Molerat meat. Jackie sighs and finally sits down. As she digs around in her pockets for a cigarette, I listen. There is someone definitely following us, and whoever they are, they're close. For good measure, I cock my gun at the same time the fire cracks. Talk about luck on my end. Once I figure out just where they are…

"So Dez, any idea on how long it'll take us to reach where we're going?"

Glaring at Jackie, I begin to regret letting her come with me. If I had known she'd be this obnoxious, I would have taken off without so much as a goodbye slap in the face.

"This time tomorrow, maybe sooner. Can you be quiet? I'm trying to relax."

"All work and no play."

Sighing, I toss away the bones that were in the meat, and run my tongue over my teeth. Easy now, girl.

"We've been playing all day. I came here to do business. Now, if you'll please shut up I can start to relax. We have a big day tomorrow."

"We have all the time in the world. Relax, Dez."

"I'm trying."

I glare at her from the other side of the fire. A slight noise to my left causes my fingers to twitch for my gun. Slowly, out of sight from the source of the noise, I move my right hand to it. Jackie for now, has occupied herself with stargazing. When the moon first showed itself to us, she was in the same awe as she's in now. The Pitt, like I said, doesn't have moon or stars. Just smoke and smog.

Acting as if I'm stretching, I stand up, yawning loudly. Another slight, almost deaf noise, comes from behind me. Picking a spot so open was stupid, but I'd rather have an entire circle of directions to run in, than one lone entrance or exit. Especially, with Jackie around. I need to save my own ass, and not concentrate on hers.

"See look, I told you if you'd relax it'd be alright."

Without responding I take action. Taking out my gun, I turn around and aim it into a thick pile of dead bushes and a large pile of rocks.

"You move, and I shoot. Show yourself."

I say, demanding, loud. Proving to both me and the person I'm aiming at, that I'm not bluffing.

"Whoa, whoa, Dezbe, it's just rocks."

"Shut up Jackie!"

Keeping one finger on the trigger, I power on my Pip-Boy light. The bushes shake as the noise of someone moving drawls out in my ears. I watch closely, the shimmer of Power Armor gleaming off of the three light sources I have.

"A soldier."

I hiss, rushing forward. Pressing the barrel of my gun to their head, I climb over the rock that blocks me and let the bush branches snap against my pants. The soldier looks at me, hands raised, through their helmet. An assault rifle is clipped to their back, their hands are empty.

"Stand up."

I say, backing off just a bit to give them room, but keeping my gun perfectly aimed. Jackie soon joins the commotion, and flips out.

"Oh shit! Oh! He's wearing the same thing as Ashur did!"

Quickly I throw Jackie a glare. This time, the first time, she gets it and shuts her mouth. Turning my attention back to the now-standing soldier, I start the interrogation.

"How long have you been following me?"

No answer. He looks, I think it's a he, at me though the eyeholes of the helmet.

"Answer me!"

I yell, but again, nothing. Instead the soldier shakes his head, putting his hands down. There's no knives clipped to his waist. I want to shoot him, and am about to squeeze the trigger, when I think of something. A Brotherhood soldier, captive, held captive by me. This…this could prove quite beneficial.

"Your radio, dismantle it."

I say, and the soldier shoves his hand inside of his helmet. There's a loud crunching noise, and his hand returns with the crumpled machinery of the radio that allows him to communicate with every other Brotherhood worker. Jackie looks at me like I just kissed a Trog.

"Dez, what are you doing?"

She asks, and I keep my gun aimed.

"This is good. We can use him. If the Brotherhood spots us, he can act like he's taking us to their base. If they ambush us, we can kill him as a distraction."

"You'll…you'll really kill him that easily?"

"Yes."

"But you don't know his name."

"His name doesn't matter!"

I shout, nearly tossing my gun at her as I wave my arms in anger. She doesn't understand, I tell myself. She doesn't know, or get it. She has to though, and will soon. Jackie looks at me, scared, she's never seen me quite this upset, this frazzled. Returning my gun to aim at the soldier, I turn my attention back to him.

"I'll can kill you right fucking now."

I warn the soldier, and he nods in understanding. I want to squeeze the trigger. I want to blow off his helmet, and splatter his blood clear across the Wasteland. They took Charon from me. They took my mother, my father, my free will, my right to live as a normal being. Everything, the Brotherhood of Steel took from my hands. It was easy for them, easy like snatching candy from a mutated baby. They didn't think twice about it. So why should I? Why when I have one of their own, should I think twice about killing him? I'll tell you why. Because I'm smarter than they are. I plan on using, and manipulating this person to get inside their base. To get what I want. I'll take down every last fucker who signs up for them, and this guy is going to help me do it.

"Go near the fire."

I demand, keeping my gun on him. Moving, Jackie, the soldier and myself go to the warmth and light of the flame.

"Sit."

I tell him, and he does. His back is to me, and I hit the backside of his helmet with the barrel of my gun to show him I'm still armed. I'm not letting him think, that he can get away with anything. Wrapping my fingers around the gun on his back, I yank it, the strap snapping off at its clip.

"Take this."

I tell Jackie, handing the gun to her. Nervous, she takes it, and sits back down. I eye up the soldier, before taking a seat close to him, and keeping my gun and knife on the right hand side of me. He stays on my left. He'll die, before I let him try and kill me with my own weapon.

"So…so what's your name?"

Jackie asks, and I fish for a cigarette in my pocket.

"His name isn't important, Jackie. Don't ask him any questions, it'll be easier on you to watch him die that way."

Her big eyes get bigger, and she licks her lips.

"Dez…Dez you're really going to kill him?"

"When I'm done with him, yes."

"Why?"

She doesn't know, and I don't care to answer. Instead I let her think that I have no good reason, as my eyes drift over to the plaque that bears Charon's name. It's all that's left of him now.

"My name is Unn."

The soldier's voice crackles through the speaker of his helmet. My eyes lift over to Jackie, and she looks at the soldier in a mysterious wonder. I, on the other hand, am quite pissed.

"Unn? Unn? What the fuck kind of name is 'Unn' and who the fuck gave you permission to speak?"

I want to hit him. I want to beat him senseless, but I know that metal power armor will only break my fingers. So instead I dig my nails into the dirt, as I hold my lit cigarette between my teeth, and keep my gun clutched in my other hand. The soldier turns to look at me, the fire reflecting off of his armor.

"It's my name, just as yours is 'Dezbe'. What kind of name is that, anyways?"

Jackie laughs as my anger rises. Actually, it's a stifled giggle, but it means all the same to me.

"It's better than 'Unn' I can tell you that much. How long have you been following me?"

"Since you returned."

Narrowing my eyes, I glare at him. I can't tell for sure, but I think he's glaring straight back.

"And does the Brotherhood know I've returned?"

"They think you're dead."

"And you? You're their little fucking spy, aren't you, Unn? Sounds like a noise you make while faking it. Unnn…"

I drawl out the 'n' sound to annoy him. Flicking ash from the tip of my cigarette, I begin to relax. Sure I won't be sleeping very well, what with Unn here as my prisoner, but I can relax. My guard won't be down at all, though.

"No, I'm not their spy."

"Why follow me, then?"

"To help you."

"Help me? You want to help me? You do know that since you dawn that armor you're my mortal enemy, right? What makes you think I'm going to let you help me?"

"Because you need me, Dezbe, or else they're going to kill you."

I raise my eyebrow. How does he know?
"Tell me, Unn, did you have a nice little chat with your friend Bigsley before you ran away from sucking the tit of the Brotherhood? You seem to know a lot about my hidden agendas."

"It's not hard to figure it out. There's someone missing from this party, isn't there?"

"Shut up."

"Someone that the Brotherhood Outcasts took very good care of, right?"

"One more fucking word and I'll blast you to hell!"

My gun is between his eyes on his helmet before he can blink. I hold it fast with two hands, my elbows locked in position. My cigarette burns out on the ground near the fire, as the meat from the dead Molerat collects dust from the wind. There's silence, an eerie, quiet silence, that even Jackie can't break. Unn's breath crackles through the speaker, hissing and static. Sweat pools on the palms of my hands, as I hold the gun tightly. I want to kill him, but I need him alive.

"You need me, Dezbe, admit it."

He says only after I let the gun fall from his helmet. Sideways, I glare at him, picking up an relighting my cigarette.

"And I'll kill you when I don't."

"You're as vicious as they say you are."

"No, I'm fucking worse."

Without thinking I stand up and hit him as hard as I can with the handle of my sawed-off. It leaves a nice dent in his helmet, and his head rattles around inside. I smirk at him, rage and anger building up behind my eyes.

"Don't speak unless spoken to."

"Did you give orders like that to your ghoul-friend there, too?"

I go to strike him again, but he raises his hands for protection. I stop, before the gun hits him. No, no I won't play this game. For all I know he's a sick fuck, who stole some power armor from a Brotherhood I killed forever ago. There's a lot of sickos out here, I should know, I'm becoming one of them.

Sitting back down, I fold my arms and let my gun fall to the right side of me. Unn fixes himself, still sitting to my left, and Jackie stares agape at the display of violence that unfolded in front of her.

"Dezbe, why are you so mean?"

"Shut up, Jackie."

I spit, angry and wanting to simply sit and stare into the fire. I don't think either one of these two idiots truly understand. The Brotherhood, I don't think they will ever understand. It's not something I feel like explaining in full, and it's also not something I feel needs an explanation. I lost someone close to me, Jackie knows, and I have anger towards this man in the shiny armor. Can she make the connection? And this Unn fellow, ha! I look at him through the corners of my eyes, angry and not at all too pleased with the arrival of his presence. But at least there's an advantage, a use for him. He let himself be so easily found, too. So easily unarmed and taken in. It's kind of strange. Wouldn't he want to not get caught?

This raises a lot of questions in my mind, and quietly I think of them. I think of all the possible reasons, outcomes, solutions if any, and ways that this soldier could have come here. Wanted to come here. Found me, followed me, and everything in between. By the time I'm able to blink and return to reality, I see past the dying, smoldering branches. Jackie sleeps, curled into a ball on the hard dirt ground, her mouth open as the gun is cradled into her stomach. Turning my head, I notice Unn sleeping, too. He's using his hands as pillows, and the steady noise escaping from his helmet tells me he's been out for a while. Maybe that knock on the head, did him some good.

Standing up, I scoop my gun in my hand and clip it to my hip. I want to take advantage of this, this night here and the silence. Tomorrow when the sun rises, there won't be any quiet. There won't be much but the burning sun and the rocks and dirt that pave the roads ahead of me. By the light of the moon, I can see ruins that survived the rain and snow, homes and overpasses, and against the horizon, the ruins of Washington D.C. The monument, ever-present no matter how far you are, is lit up bright and proud. It was the first thing I really saw when I came from the vault, the first thing I looked for when I climbed the roof of the Citadel, the thing that greeted me when I returned from New Vegas. And now, it greets me once more as I stand in my first night in the Capital Wasteland, as a shaven-headed Dezbe, with a vengeance and a thirst for blood.

This attitude and mindset isn't permanent, I know. It's something that's here for a fleeting moment. A moment, that can only be ended by the swift end of my sawed-off blasting away. I'm not sure who I want to hurt, exactly. It doesn't matter who, really. In the end, I just want to hurt the Brotherhood as much as they've hurt me. I want to make them feel the pain, that I'm going to be forced to carry with me until my last and final breath. Even if I do move onward, get out of the Capital Wasteland and travel as far North as I want, it'll always hurt. The memories, the laughter, and even the tears of the past, will make a sting on the inside of me. A sting that can't ever really go away, that was caused by foolish and misguided people. One might say my anger is misplaced, but I can't see anyone else to blame.

Lifting my eyes to the sky, I lick my lips and pucker them. Loose ends, is all I'm really worried about. I have to tell Gob things, have to tell him that it's all going to be okay. I have to make sure he's not left wondering about my survival, about my well-being. It'll be hard, though, to tell him soon that he'll be laying flowers on my unmarked grave. It's suicide, going and sniffing out an army. I'm one girl, and even though I've escaped dire situations, I know my luck won't last forever. And in the end, who wants to live in a place where there's no home? Gazing up at the shining stars above me, I wonder if they understand. If they wept, when they saw Charon fall as hard as a mountain. I know they're always watching me, even in the daytime.

"Bombs away…"

I say as I close my eyes, and imagine. I imagine the sight of this place, standing tall and brave in its heyday. I picture everyone walking the busy streets, wearing pre-war, listing to music, and smiling. Not knowing, that their end is coming, that their end will take them. In my mind, I see the bombs engulfing the city, the world, in a dark shadow. People who got word of the West Coast run to their vaults, there's still time. I keep my eyes shut tight, and try to see if in the hurried and scared crowd, I can see Charon. If I can see him, loyally following his employer, into the vault that I once called home. But I can't. I can't, and it's okay.

Opening my eyes, I see wisps of clouds floating past. The full moon watches me, close and cold. Flexing my hands, I feel my fingers rubbing against my palm. I think of beautiful notes, and matching melodies. When I go and see Charon, in that great big vault in the sky, I wonder if together we'll play the piano, and make beautiful music. Or if we'll spend all day, sitting on a cloud, having sex and arguing over what comes next. There won't be a white light for me. There won't be much of anything, just Charon's hand clasped with mine. I could die alright, if I knew that's what was waiting for me. There won't be anyone beside me, though, when time comes for my soul to take on a trail and embark on it's final journey. A part of me, began to believe in the impossible. After all I've done and seen, there's no room to say 'impossible'. Everything has a chance of happening. But even with that logic, I know that the chance of heaven or hell saying 'no way' to Charon and sending him back to me, are slim.

Tears form in my eyes, but I give myself a shake.

"No crying, now…"

I say to myself, looking up and wondering if Charon's one of those twinkling stars above. Soon, Charon and I will hold each other again soon. It's not like I'm planning my own death, but I am. Just, not by my hand. Deep inside, I'm sure this entire thing is going to kill me. After all, a single girl against an army, with no Fat Boy or Charon to back her up, holds little chance. But it's okay. It'll be worth it. I'll have killed a good number of soldiers by then, and then when they do catch me and end my life, they'll be a lot weaker. They'll know, and they'll know good, that they shouldn't have ever fucked with me.

"You really shouldn't leave an untrained person in charge of watching a gun."

Unn's voice scares me, and I grab my gun. Turning around, I aim it, expecting his to already be aimed. To my shock, there's nothing in his hands or on his back. He simply stands there, looking at me with that stupid armor on. For a minute, I hold my gun to him. Just to prove a point, before I holster it.

"You should have taken it, then."

I snap, challenging him. Unn stands beside me, a good few feet away, and we make sure to keep a quiet eye on one another.

"I'm not here to kill you, Dezbe."

"It's Dez, Unn."

"Either way. I'm here to help you."

I sarcastically laugh as I kick away a small rock with my foot. A breeze picks up, I shiver.

"You're not here to help me, Unn. Stop trying to fuck with me. You're a spy who got himself caught and now you're playing my side so I won't kill you. I'm telling you, Unn, I'm going to kill you."

"And I don't not believe you, Dez. I just felt you should get some help."

"Shocker you didn't feel that a few weeks ago, huh?"

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I make sure to loop my thumb around the clip of my knife sheath. If he tries anything, I'm going for the weak point on his neck.

"…I'm sorry, Dez. I know that ghoul meant a lot to you."

"Yeah."

"We don't have to like one another, we just have to work together."

"Why? Why the hell do you want to help me? I mean, give me a reason, Unn, and maybe in due time I'll believe it. But I doubt it."

"Because you need a break. Because I'm sick of the lies the Brotherhood tells."

"And you know the truth?"

"Dez…I'm not here because I chose to be, I'm here because I was told to be."

"And who told you?"

"Bigsley."

Blinking, I stare at the Knight.

"Bigsley? Wait, wait, what? Back up, start over, what's up?"

"Bigsley told me a story, the truth about the time spent with you. Changed his head around and he feels he has the truth. We're supposed to listen to the Paladins and Protectors. But…the Scribes are the real brains. I respect Bigsley, and if Bigsley says you need my help, then I'll obey. It's my job."

Well I'll be slapped silly and swim around naked. Bigsley is playing for the right team, finally. The realization that someone on the inside, is actually looking out for lil' ol' me, is actually pretty enlightening. A bit of hope shines down on my pitiful existence now, doesn't it?

"So Bigsley sends me an inexperienced Knight now, huh?"

"Actually I'm an Initiate."

"Even better."

I don't believe him all the way, just part. Never heard of a Knight, or Initiate, taking orders from a Scribe. Even during my time spent at the Citadel, I never knew that Scribes had any power. It was never really given, I guess, or shown. Walking away from Unn, I find a rock and sit down on it, staring up at the stars. If he's being truthful, then I have no reason not to trust him. I still won't give him his gun, but maybe I won't be so quick to knock him with my gun.
"Bigsley told me something."

Unn says as he walks over to the rock I'm sitting on. Man, I really am a horrible hostage-keeper. I wander away from them and leave sleeping people guarding their weapons. Hey, least I try.

"And what did Bigsley tell you?"

"He told me that before the Citadel blew up, you lived there. But it wasn't like…good? You were brainwashed, right?"

"No I was amnesic. I got shot in the head and lost my frontal lobe memory something-or-other. I remember it all now, though. The Citadel is where it happened, and where they kept me to use and abuse me."

"The Brotherhood don't sound nice. From what Bigsley said, you aren't the monster they've made you out to be."

"No…I'm not."

Bigsley. That sonofabitch. When I find him, I'm giving him a swift kick in the ass and a giant handshake. He's putting his life on the line, by trying to help me.

"Did Bigsley tell anyone else about me?"

Unn shakes his head, his shoulders slumping.

"No, actually. Just me. Said they'd kill him, or call him crazy."

"Sounds about right."

"Aren't you scared, of going in there? Bigsley said you were going to find the hideout, and invade it. You're just one girl."

"It doesn't matter to me, Unn. I just want to hurt them, I don't care how big or small it is. If I can make a few Knights and Paladins hurt, then it's all fine with me."

"You must have really loved him then, like Bigsley said."

"Bigsley is sayin' a lot now, isn't he?"

Unn nods, folding his arms over his chest. I jump down from the rock, and look up at him. He's a lot taller than me.

"Bigsley felt I'd be more apt to help you if I knew a bit about you and the ghoul."

"And were you?"

"Yeah. Hearing how he described you two, really made me want to listen to him. Made me…want to remember why I joined this brigade."

"Why'd you join?"

"To help people. To give people a fighting chance, so they can do what you and the ghoul did. Fall in love and fuck."

I half-smirk creeps at the corners of my mouth, when I hear Unn say 'fall in love and fuck'. It's kind of true, it is true, in a comically blunt way. Maybe this Initiate isn't all that bad. After all, he knows Bigsley, listened to Bigsley, and knew things he would have had to been there to see. If Bigsley didn't tell him, that is. He's not bullshitting. At least, not yet.

"So…you joined the Brotherhood of Steel to help humanity. How noble."

My sentence oozes and drips with sarcasm as I curl my legs under me on the rock. Staring up at the moon, I blink away tears forming from bittersweet memories.

"You like stargazing, don't you?"

"It's not like there's anything better to do."

"Do you know what they mean?"

Sighing, I run my fingers through my hair.

"Stars don't have meanings. Just stories. They make pictures, if you look hard enough."

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"…Someone told me that a long time ago."

"Long as in fairly recently?"

I look at the Initiate, my eyes narrowing. He shrugs, letting his arms fall to his waist.

"I read up on the ghoul's profile before I came out here. He lived a long life. Long enough to gain some worldly knowledge."

"He has a name, you know."

"Charon, right? His name was Charon."

Was. Past tense. Past tense means in the past, meaning not present. Meaning, dead. A heavy weight pumps with my heart.

"Yeah. Charon."

The Initiate doesn't say anything for a while, and the wind rings in my ears. It's a warm breeze, on a cool night. I wonder if maybe, it'll ever rain here again. I don't like the snow, it's too cold, but a nice rain would be good. I'd like to stand in it, and close my eyes.

"How'd a girl like you fall for a ghoul, anyways?"

"Girl like me?"

I ask him, dangerous. He may be here per order of Bigsley, but it doesn't mean I trust him yet. It doesn't mean he's still not fogged by the image the Brotherhood gave him of me.

"You're not unattractive. You know how to survive. Figure you'd look for a catch, rather than a ghoul."

"That's none of your business. And if you must know, I'm not a girl anymore. I'm almost twenty-six."

The Initiate shrugs and turns his back to me. He waves his hand behind his head as he heads back to the campfire. The campfire that's now dead, nothing more than smoldering ash.

"Whatever you say, Dezbe."

I don't try to call after him. I don't want to. There's so much more to me, than what he knows. Than what anyone else knows. If people would look closer, they wouldn't see the horrible person they've thought me to be. If they'd listen, they'd realize that I'm just Dezbe. I'm trying to get by, like everyone else out here. Only for me, it's much harder. Harder, because everyone makes it. I wonder how I look, to the eyes of a stranger. Do they look at me, and instantly cower away? Or do they laugh as I walk past them, calling me names like the people of Megaton once did so long ago. I'll never know, I suppose.

Looking back up at the night sky, I wonder if maybe there's hope. I hoped, for so long, for so many things. I was so stupid and foolish back then, but with that stupid foolishness, came comfort, and ignorance. If I could go back, there'd be so many things I'd change. So many, all at once, to make it all better. But when night becomes day, there's nothing left to say. And when there's nothing left to say, something is wrong.

I close my eyes, letting the wind run through my short-cropped almost bald head. With my eyes closed, I leave reality. I arrive to a place, as the hands of time tick by, that's warm and safe. Moving my lips in a faint whisper, I ask if Charon can hear me. I ask if he's listening, ask if he's watching over me. When I get the chance to be alone, after I rid myself of Jackie and Unn, I'll be able to mourn him once again. Be able, to fully allow myself to soak up being in the Capital Wasteland, without him. I'm so lost, so lost within myself, I'm hardly here. The wind whips around my body, under my arms, and I open my eyes to view the barren desert in front of me.

Lifting my hand, I touch my cheek. I don't know where the Brotherhood base is. The Citadel is gone, so maybe they set up camp at Rivet City. If Unn talked to Bigsley, then he's only ever been to the Jefferson Memorial. I could start there, I suppose. Go there and fuck everything up until I get my answers. But I know I can't. I can't blow my cover like that. Even if maybe, my cover is already blown. I have to give myself the benefit of the doubt here.

Getting up off the rock, I turn to head back to camp. Glancing down at my hands, I wonder if Charon's fingers, will ever fill the spaces between mine again. I wanted to save him. Save, and risk everything, even if it killed me. To hear him tell me it's okay again, to have him whisper in my ear in his gruff and guttural voice, is all I really want. I'd go away, if I could have that. If I could have him beside me again, standing up next to me, ready to fight at the drop of a cap. He's my guardian angel, you know. Looking back up at the stars, I see one fly across the night sky. Stopping, I make a wish.

I wish he'd come back. Wish, that like in the pre-war movies, he'd rise from the dead and reclaim his place next to me. It's where he was at his best. It's where he fit, and where I always felt I belonged. The sun, moon and stars, can never shine as brightly as I did when he was by me. I wish he'd be with me again. Be with me, to finish it all, to keep moving forward, to push onwards as if he had never left. I wish, just once, I could hear his voice again. That'd be enough for me. Just that.