Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters portrayed in this story…Disney and Square Enix (or SquareSoft) do…The plot is mine, though.
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There had to be something wrong with him.
Seriously wrong.
Because he couldn't close his eyes.
Squall's heart was racing, even though he had retired to the make-shift mattress Rinoa had given him a while ago. His eyes kept scanning the ceiling for answers, for anything, that could tell him what was wrong with him. With this. His fingers gripped the sheets as he tried to remember the things that were eluding him, behind the dam, because this confusion wasn't worth it. …what…did I do…? Was…it so horrible…that I can't remember?
After a tense and silent sitting with her, he didn't touch his tea and told her he was tired. She was the woman he loved, and that's all he could say. …but what else…could I say…? After that…? His temples began to throb as he remembered his actions hours before; he could only stare at the steam floating up from the teacup, getting that feeling that this had happened before. What…what's wrong…with me? What did I do…to make this this way?
—Something horrible, Commander, that's what…
Immediately after his single declaration, she had sprung up, and brought him through one of the doors on the left. Two doors away from where Irvine was and one door away from the kitchen area. He wasn't sure if she had said goodnight and he wasn't sure if she had been close to crying because his feet moved almost automatically to the bed. She was the woman he loved and he practically closed the door in her face. He had tried to fall asleep, tried to give in to his tiredness, but his mind kept nagging at him to figure it out.
And now, he was afraid to close his eyes.
Even though he knew that a stupid emotion like that is what paralyzes a warrior and is what gets you killed, that same fear kept him from looking over the mental block and getting the answer. Because it was something horrible, wasn't it?
—Coward…Pathetic…Weak…
This was unacceptable; he was SeeD. He was too old for this. He was Commander. Top of his class. Hyne…what…? But he couldn't bring himself to look over the edge. Because he knew it had to be something horrible.
So, he just lay there. Awake. Staring at the ceiling because the problems with age and memories and fuzzy faces and names hadn't gone away. They kept running around in his head, trying to get past the barrier, keeping his eyes open and keeping the water running and trying to get him to see that he knows the reason behind the age issue. Behind everything.
It's black and it's yellow but he doesn't want to find out the name or the shape. He knows what happened to get Selphie and Quistis to forget everything. And he knows that there's a meaning to the other people in the garage and the fuzzy faces and the familiar tug at his heart when he tries to ignore it all.
And that familiar sense of dread and anguish that makes him turn away from the answer.
A part of him tells him that he must be suffering from insomnia by now. He has to be. Because isn't he the one who has been having trouble sleeping over the past few days? Or weeks? Or months, maybe? There had been many restless nights, all of which he could no longer recall, and they have been about the things he couldn't remember right now. The point of all of this. How he got here. The other people who he can't see, but they're there, and they're still waiting because they're important too.
But he was afraid. And he hadn't felt this afraid since…since… …Hyne… Because even though they're important, he did something horrible to them. …and why…can't I remember that…?
It was like a needle now, insistently poking at his nerves, because all the information had leaked through. He knew everything, but the puzzle wasn't done. He wouldn't allow that part of his brain, that had stopped working hours ago, to put it together. The pieces were scattered and the tingles and the hand on his heart told him to hurry up and figure it out before the pieces couldn't fit together anymore or before they drifted away. Because there was something important there. Something and someone he would never want to throw away because…because… …because what…?
There was a silence after his thought; not even the house was creaking any more. Squall continued to stare up at the ceiling, letting his heart continue to race, letting his palms get clammy, letting the hairs at the back of his neck stick up on end and letting his frustration mount. …what…am I missing now…? Each time he tried to think back to the moments before the jump, all he could see were fuzzy faces and green and brown and yellow and tinted cheeks and tears.
And every time Squall would try to focus, his heart would hammer and press up against his ribcage in warning because it would hurt too much to see it. There would be a tight, painful squeeze on his insides and all the sound would be replaced with the music of the water and the violins and the clarinets and the flutes to protect him from the words he said.
He was afraid to know. Afraid to know what he had done. He was afraid that if he allowed himself to know, he wouldn't be able to have both. He wouldn't be able to keep this happiness if he looked over the damn and saw the other side. The other life. The other choices. Not a person like him. Not a person who abandons others because of his inability to do anything right…Not a person like him who only deserves to be alone.
—Stop it. Now. Squall inhaled a shaky breath and tried to relax; this wasn't worth it. His mindset was too juvenile; he was too old for this. He was SeeD. He wasn't supposed to be afraid. So stop it. Now. On the exhale, he forced his fingers to ease up on the sheets and for his eyes to drift shut. Darkness greeted him again. And this part felt familiar too because another part of his mind told him that darkness was all he really deserved anyway, especially after everything he had said and promised to do, and all that stuff that he couldn't remember because it was him who locked it away to being with.
—How noble of you, Commander…Putting your old friends before your new ones, hmm?
No. Stop. Enough. Please… Squall ignored that part and focused on breathing. He counted to ten for every inhale and to five for every exhale. He breathed deeply, from his diaphragm, stopping his ribcage from expanding any more than it had to. It was a simple, precise routine and he was good at these.
—Yes, because that's all you have left, isn't it?
He even found himself breathing noisily so that it would be the only sound he would hear. He lay there, on his back, intensely focusing on his breathing and his slowing heartbeat and nothing else; he was focused, in deep concentration, just like his training taught him. Because he was SeeD, and at least he remembered that.
And while that last thought pricked him and tried to keep him awake so he could keep thinking about it and how that mindset had started all of this, Squall kept his form and began counting numbers in his head. …One… He would not think about it now. He was supposed to be happy. Ecstatic even. He was in the home of the woman he loved and of a friend he thought he'd never see again. Now was not the time to over-think. …Four…five…
—But that doesn't change the fact that Quistis and Zell are still waiting for you, you know.
After all, that part of his brain, his logical and rational and systematical part wasn't up to speed yet and wouldn't be able to fill in the equation anyway. …Seven… It could wait until the morning, he firmly decided, after some much-needed sleep, after his nervousness would pass, after Irvine's anger cooled down, after Rinoa stopped crying and after he stopped feeling so guilty and ashamed over something he couldn't remember.
The images he couldn't really see swished under his eyelids but Squall didn't focus there, staying attached to the numbers instead. …T—Ten… He looked past the pictures, ignoring them, because it could wait. It had to wait. Because he still didn't know and still wasn't sure if he wanted to know. …what…did I do…? …and what…can I say…? But he would have to look over the barrier sooner or later, no matter how horrible, because he couldn't be afraid forever. …No…stop. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen…
—Coward.
Eventually, even though it hurt his heart to ignore it, because the blurs of skin and black and metal and yellow eyes were important to him, his mind floated into unconsciousness. It was a gradual loss of perception of the room around him and after one final tug at his insides, one more number passing through his head, Squall felt weightless as he drifted into sleep. …Twenty…
Finally.
Pocahontas was running as fast as her feet could carry her. Tears were stinging her eyes from the force of the wind moving against her and from the knowledge she knew. He…he jumped… Arms and legs moving with fluidity, the native woman raced back to the camp to find her foreign companion. …He jumped……but what was so horrible…?
Jumping over a low branch, she made it to the clearing where the rest of her people lay sleeping. Pocahontas didn't pause to see the fire glowing or the new tents that had been erected or even to meet the stares of on-lookers. She focused only on the soft, wet earth beneath her feet and prayed that Yuffie would be alright. That Leon—or Squall, whichever he wanted—would be alright too. …oh…Yuffie…
She threw back the opening to Yuffie's tent but it really didn't surprise her to find it empty. …oh…Yuffie, no… Both beds were disheveled and all her belongings were gone. Letting out a sigh and stopping her tears from falling, she forced her tired body into another run to the only other place she could think of. Breathing hard, she moved quickly, back into the dense forested area around the camp. She had to find her. To tell her that he jumped. Because the sadness was still there, that ever-growing grief, but now that the woman from across the river was finally involved, it was almost over.
Or at least, it had to be almost over. She wasn't sure if she could take much more of this. Because she was afraid that the conclusion would not be right. That these strangers, that Leon—or Squall, whichever he wanted—would make the wrong choice and not come back. And leave Yuffie alone. All alone. And add one more on her list of the people she had lost. …but…he has been lost…since she met him……Oh, Leon… please… don't leave her behind…
The trees and branches nicked her body as she ran, but Pocahontas kept her pace through the forest, towards the giant bird. …Leon…couldn't you see the goodness in front of you? That Yuffie cares deeply and only wants you to be okay…? Her heart hammered in her chest, thinking back to the vague dreams she had had. That grief. The ever-growing sadness that ate away at her heart. It consumed her and she couldn't help the tears that fell. …but…what is the healer going to do now…? What will she say…? What will he do…when he sees her again…?
Her feet kept moving with her heart and soul getting heavy. What will…he ask of her…? To make this go away…? To make her use her magic to cure him of these horrible memories…? To rid himself of his sadness…? Pocahontas forced that thought aside; as cold as Leon was, she wouldn't believe that he would willingly forget Yuffie. …no matter how painful he thinks his memories are…
She turned slightly in her path, coming upon the clearing that the giant bird had made for itself. Under the light of the moon, she could see its immense shadow and one that belonged to someone much smaller. Picking up her pace, she hurried over to her petite friend, heart still hammering and thoughts still swimming in that grief she couldn't shake. "Yuffie!" From her running, her voice was barely a whisper.
Pocahontas got near the giant bird, pace slowing, with Yuffie's back getting closer. The native woman slowed to a stop, behind some trees, noticing that Yuffie repeated the same motion with her hand, up and down, as she tried to twist something into place on the broken wing. There were no breaks in her routine, Pocahontas noted, as she watched her repeat the motion. A simple precise routine. The scene was familiar to her.
She paused, not sure if she should call out. She stopped and she stared for a long time before deciding against it. …Yuffie… She tried to say it, because she knew in her heart that Yuffie still cared…because wouldn't she want to know where he was? Wasn't that the point of them going out at night looking? …she must still care…She has to…but…but…
The sound of metal on metal jolted Pocahontas out of her thoughts and almost made her cry out in surprise. Yuffie had harshly thrown the object she had been using to twist something else into the container at her feet. …but does she want to know…? If Leon knows that woman…does she want to know that he…he jumped…to go over to her…? Tears fell down her cheeks and Pocahontas brought a hand to her mouth. …No…What could be worse …?
She watched Yuffie's fists curl at her sides. She watched her count to ten before picking up the object she had thrown and restarting her work on the wing. Even…if I tell her…what else could I say…to make her feel better…? Pocahontas watched her work under the moonlight, being reminded of the time when she had done the same to Leon. Back when the story hadn't been this complicated. Back when the sadness hadn't come full force. …Yuffie…
Her petite companion turned slightly in her direction but didn't notice her standing there. There was a brief instant where Pocahontas saw her face and that was all she needed to keep her mouth quiet. The moonlight offered little clarity on her features, but she could see everything. It was almost the same look Leon had given her beforehand. That split second where his soul opened up……with a thousand tears… Her heart squeezed from the inside as she stared at Yuffie's tear-streaked face.
She cares…so deeply for him… Pocahontas looked on, heart getting heavy and fresh tears falling. She wasn't sure why she cried so much for these strangers but there was just something about them. Something important. Something elegant and beautiful. But also, something very sad. …She must really think…that he isn't coming back… Pocahontas, after seeing Yuffie's arm move back up and down again, turned slowly to go back to camp. …but…Leon…Squall…surely he can't forget about her……And the healer, no matter how important she is to him, wouldn't be so cruel…
Her feet stepped lightly over the leaves and branches, not wanting to disturb Yuffie. She needs time…to think…to understand that he wouldn't leave her like that. No matter what he said to her…No, he would not do that…It was then when Pocahontas made up her mind. If this sadness is to end…then I must do something. I saw it coming…I must do something……to make sure he comes back…
Looking up at the starless sky, that vast darkness that she still wasn't used to, but at least finally understood, she prayed. Wherever you are, Squall…Remember her. Please…understand… Pocahontas wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. For what she's done for you…you owe her at least that…Squeezing her eyes shut, she prayed that the dream-catcher in his mind would bring out his pleasant memories. And make him remember.
…You have to come back…Yuffie is too special to throw away… Dropping her gaze from the sky, she looked forward, towards camp. …and I owe it to her…for opening my eyes…to make sure you know that…
There were no thoughts going through his head. There was just a suddenly realization of consciousness. And a burst of pain that seemed to come from every fiber of his being. …u—ugh…w—what…? He felt something solid and hard behind his head and back and something bumpy where his lower body was sitting. His mouth was dry and it took him a long time to open his eyes.
It was just blurry colours and moving lines that did nothing to answer his internal question. …where…? His head was pounding and he found himself closing his eyes again. …where…am I? He felt his grip on consciousness beginning to fade as the pain he felt moments earlier lessened. …Hyne…what…?
He could barely feel himself breathing or hear his heart beat. …am I…dying…? His body felt sticky and somewhat empty and weak. He opened his eyes again, fighting the comfort of slipping away, forcing himself to wake up because he couldn't die yet. He couldn't fade away. Because he…had to do something…he… …where…?
The moment he opened his eyes for a second time, there was a flash, a sharp intake of breath, and everything came back. He saw the storm, those creatures and Garden and…her…and Irvine and Zell and Selphie and Quistis and Xu and Nida fighting and fire and smoke and screams and lightning and—Hyne! No!
He tried to breathe, tried to take in a deeper breath, to scream or cry out for them, but the smoke and the fire made it too hard. He felt himself coughing, felt his stomach twist and turn, felt the winds whip around him, felt the large yellow eyes of the giant creature staring him down, getting ready to take him away and he felt that last squeeze on his fingertips before she…she—NO! NO!
He stopped himself from crying out at the intensity of the memories. His heart hammered in his chest, it hurt too much to breathe, and he blinked hard, stubbornly refusing that any of that had happened. No! NO! She…They…No! No, please! The colours around him kept spinning, giving him a headache, showing the last minutes of his Garden over and over and over again. No! NO!
He had to keep fighting. It couldn't be over. He tried to move but every motion led to more blistering pain and screaming and blood and ash and death. No! Get up! Get up now! He had to move. He didn't have time to sit around. Get up, dammit! Get up and fight! His body twitched, trying to find the handle of Lionheart, trying to call up another spell, but he was dizzy and tired and nauseous and weak and his vision kept sliding out of focus.
He tried to get up, to move back towards the giant creature that was staring him down to finish it off. It couldn't be over. Not like this. He was SeeD; this was not acceptable. He had to fight. Get up! Slowly, the blurred edges of his vision and his consciousness began to clear and the colours stopped showing the last minutes of Garden. Instead, it showed a brick wall in front of him, a cobblestone walkway underneath him and a light post to his right.
As he took in his new surroundings, all adrenaline left his body and he remained slumped against the wall. This wasn't right. This wasn't Garden's balcony or Garden's infirmary. …what…? He was supposed to keep fighting. He had to protect them. He was SeeD, that was his job, that was what he was trained to do. They couldn't have…won, could they?
No…No, Hyne…Please…It can't be gone…it can't be over…His head fell forward slightly, dropping into his chest, as his body shook to take a breath. As his eyes fell close, nearly rolling back into his head, he saw the image of her face, crying, as she tried to hold onto his hand, even though she was too far away. No…N—No…they can't…she…can't be… His heart began to hammer again, completely forgetting that he was no longer in any danger.
Pain flooded his body as he became more awake and tried to move to grab onto her. But his arm did not listen. NO! Get up! Get up, NOW! You have to find them! They can't be…They're here! Get up! GET UP! He mind screamed at his body to move, to do something, anything, because wherever he was, however he got here, didn't matter. He still had to fight. He had to fight because it couldn't be over yet. He wouldn't accept that failure. He had to keep fighting for them.
If he was here, they had to be here. He had to find them.
He tried to move his body forward, to use his arms to push himself up, to get ready to stand, but found that his left arm was useless. And when he put any weight on it, or tried to move it, white, hot pain flashed under his eyes. He trembled and tried to channel a Cura through his body, tried to get Shiva to help him, but his mind remained quiet and empty. His body began to panic, hyperventilating, even though it hurt to breathe, and he wondered if he was going through shock. No! Not now! Please! GET UP!
Moving his legs slowly, dragging them into position, he tried another way to get up. Gritting his teeth, refusing to make a sound, he brought his feet flat against the floor and pushed up with his legs. He got as far as a squatting position before almost falling forward. He leaned back against the wall, panting out of overexertion. The pain was immense and he pleaded with Shiva, Diablos, the Brothers, Ifrit, anyone, to help him, but got no response. No ice, no fire, no cure. D—Dammit…Please…I need…Help me…I have t—to…find them…They can't be gone! No! Please!
His head titled up, looking for the Guardians, but instead saw the dark sky with no stars. There were no clouds, no storm and it was…nighttime. But it had been in the afternoon when…when…that…happened…hadn't it? …where…? His mouth dropped open as he tried to breath, tried to piece together what had happened, tried to understand where he was and why he was alone. …w—what…? His body felt too heavy and there was no adrenaline left. He didn't know where he was. It wasn't Garden. Or anywhere else he could remember. He felt so tired and uncertain and unsure, but wasn't he SeeD? Shouldn't he be able to do something? Wasn't he trained for this? Waking up in unknown territory?
He tried to focus, tried to gather his surroundings, but all those thoughts stopped when he felt something warm trickle down his left side. He vaguely wondered if he was going to bleed out before he could move. Was he going to die? Was this it? Was that the very best he could do? Was all of that…over? His heart began to pound at the mere thought. Was all of that…gone?
He squeezed his eyes shut, refusing his tears. N—no… It couldn't be over…just because he woke up in a strange place didn't mean that the Garden was gone…No. It couldn't. His life…All of that and there and him and…her…They couldn't be…He choked on a sob, still trying to remain quiet, as he remembered the battle. That last battle. Their last shot to rid their world of the dark creatures that seemingly popped up out of nowhere. He stared down the biggest yellow-eyed creature but couldn't…couldn't…The next thing he knew the winds were blowing and he tried to hold onto her but…but… …I…failed…
The realization hit him so hard that he barely felt the pain from his left arm. I failed… The logical part of his brain kicked into gear. They…It's……g—gone…It's…all gone… His body trembled again and nearly lost its squatting position. He took in a shaky breath and lowered his head from the sky. But…They have to…If I'm…here… …they have to… He looked down at his bloody and dirty and ripped clothing, trying to focus and think coherently. You need…to get up. Now. Up. Dammit, GET UP!
With the hope he had left, he used his right hand, clutching at the wall and slowly brought himself upright on shaky legs. Garden…may be gone……but…people…can't just…vanish…He moved his eyes slowly, not wanting to bring on a dizzy spell, and stayed still for a few seconds. It was then he realized that his left arm was hanging too far down his body. He squeezed his eyes shut as every little movement made pain flare up on his dislocated limb. Dis—Dislocated…left arm…Ribs…broken… He made a mental note of all his injuries by feeling. …and something's…bleeding…
Taking in another shaky, painful breath, he took a step forward. He waited until the pain ebbed away, before taking another, right hand still gripping the wall as tightly as it could. …no…magic…no Guardians… He squeezed his eyes closed in frustration as he realized that he was missing something else important. …no…Lionheart either… He kept his jaw locked, still not trying to make a sound, because everything still hurt like hell and he wondered if this was Hell, the place where people like him would go when they died.
His body trembled as he neared the exit of the alleyway, towards the main road that it branched out from. No wonder he felt so empty and weak, he had nothing on him anymore. No Guardians for extra strength, no magic in his veins, no weapon on his side…
The memory of the battle suddenly came back, reminding him that Lionheart was flung somewhere when he tried to fight the giant creature. After he failed to deliver that final blow, that final attack that might have stopped this from happening. This waking up in a strange place all alone. Stop…thinking about it. Think about…what you have to do now…You need to find them. You need to find them. So, stop. Just stop. Focus.
His mouth was dry and it hurt to swallow. He tasted copper in his mouth but ignored it. You need to find them. You need to find them, dammit. Wherever you are, it isn't Garden…and they must have been brought here too… And while he wanted to know why and how and who had brought them here after…after that…he knew that it had to wait. Because if he was here, they had to be here too. Somewhere. And he needed to find them.
Because he didn't want to be alone anymore.
Right arm gripping the corner of the wall of the alleyway, he pulled himself out from the area he woke up in. He wondered how long it took him because the sky seemed to be lightening. …morning…? At the alleyway's opening, he saw more street lamps, more cobblestone walkways with brick staircases and plants he couldn't name the genus or the species of. …but…where…? His heart began to hammer in his chest as his lack of knowledge made his anxiety swell. There were shops, all brightly decorated, with names he had never seen before.
His legs nearly gave out from under him as his fatigue came in. Pushing his body to the wall for support, he calmed himself down. He was SeeD. He could figure this out. They were counting on him and they couldn't be gone because what had he done to be spared death? He just had to focus. He trembled a little as his broken ribs made breathing difficult. His mind scrambled with possibilities, with scenarios, anything, to think of an explanation for all of this. Because even if he was magically transported here by a last-ditch effort from his Guardians to save him, where was here? And why here?
He groaned in frustration and tried to move again. This place reminded him of Winhill. But he knew it couldn't be Winhill because it wasn't the same. Dammit…where…the hell…am I? He had been around the world, on missions, for training…he had practically walked through all the continents his map had to offer…But then…why couldn't he recognize this place…? …where—?
His knees knocked together and that was the only signal he got before his legs could no longer support his weight. The wind was practically knocked out of him and all he could do was collapse against the wall against. …Dammit…I need…I need… His eyes scanned over the town that was slowly starting to wake up around him. He couldn't move. He could barely breathe and he had no weapon to defend himself. And he was alone. No…Please, get up! Get up! You need to get up now!
The scene around him began to get more and more blurry, but he forced himself to stay awake. Because if he was here, then they must be here…they had to be…and maybe they can move and they'll find him… Please…Please…It can't…be over… Slumped up against the wall, he kept his eyes downcast. He didn't want to fight anyone and didn't want to start something. He didn't want anyone's help. He just wanted them to find him. All he wanted was to see them again. …please…Irvine…Zell…Selphie…Quistis…Rinoa…
If he called for them, they would come. That's what they said. That's what they promised him. …P—Please… He didn't want to face this alone. Not now. If Garden was gone, he didn't want to face that alone. And if that made him weak and pathetic, then so be it. He wanted them to find him. Please… That's all he really wanted.
His breathing was getting more shallow, he noticed, and he knew that he wouldn't be in the realm of consciousness much longer. After what he had done, after he had failed, he figured he probably didn't deserve to be that lucky. P…Please…I'm…I'm… He coughed again, wincing from the pain in his ribs, ignoring the taste of copper, and slowly let his eyelids drop. …I'm sorry…
"—Oh my gosh! Quick! CID!! GET OVER HERE!"
LIKE, OMG.
Well, the main reason why I was really excited for this chapter was because I thought I was going to put in the ENTIRE dream in this one area. However, it's going to be split into two chapters (because this was getting too damn long)…BUT BASICALLY, I was really excited to write a 'how Squall met Yuffie' side-story. This is the beginning!
I've seen a few fanfics dedicated to 'how Squall met Yuffie' (which were oneshots) and they were okay…This is my try! =D Angst and all! Hope you guys liked it!! There's more coming! ((Squall's memories of the last battle can be read in my other fic, 'Leon', for those who are interested))
Now, sadly, the other half of this story will be coming up at some point in June. I know, I know…But I have exams to focus on. I have FIVE of them…all spaced really closely, so I really have to study. But because I have this side-story really planned out, it'll be written in like, an hour!
PLEASE REVIEW!