Fix You Chapter 21
Frustration and anger, boiling furiously inside her whole body. It was hard to think about anything else but how weak and pathetic she had been over the past few days. He was dead. Her father was dead. Dead and burried, six feet under the surface and she still couldn't get him out of her mind. He was constantly there, his evil grin, his rotten breath, the yellow teeth and his fowl body odour. It was always there, in front of her, imprinted on her retina and every time she closed her eyes he was there smirking at her. It was enough to make her sick to her stomach.
"Damn Rollins, get it together." she cursed at herself, feeling her chest tighten and tears pricking her eyes and her throat was burning from ignored emotions that she tried so hard to push away. She slammed her fist against the trunk of a tree. The anger got the better of her and she gave it another powerful blow. The pain shot up her arm but the majority of it spread itself across her knuckles and fingers. The skin was broken and blood began to slowly seep out from the wounds. She watched how the crimson red liquid filled her cuts before spilling over and trickled down the back of her hand. It wasn't much but it was enough or Amanda to forget about everything even though it was only for a few seconds. She was about to get ready for another punch when a soft voice stopped her. Olivia.
The brunette followed the directions she had been given. She was now making her way down the narrow trail. It had gotten cold and dark. The sun was just setting and she knew that within thirty minutes there'd be no light to direct her, but being a cop she usually kept a flashlight in the glove compartment in her car. The bright beam of light made it easier to navigate through the bushy terrain as she walked further down along the path. She shivered slightly and pulled the zipper on her jacket all the way up to her chin to keep warm. It wasn't freezing, just cold enough to feel the chill piercing your skin.
Suddenly she saw a flash of something that could only be explained as water. It must be the pond Mags was talking about, Liv thought and hurried her steps, desperately hoping that Amanda was there safe and sound. "Amanda?!" she called out softly into the gloomy light.
Amanda froze, her hand in midair. What was she doing? This was not going to solve anything. Slamming you fist against a tree until you bleed is not gonna make things go away, except for the pain. The pain she felt inside would lessen if the physical pain became too much. That was her only conciliation. But Liv didn't deserve this. Sha had done nothing but help her since day one and this was not something she should have to deal with too. "Fuck." she muttered between tears and couldn't hold back a sob as she tried to hide her hand behind her back.
Olivia turned her head in the direction of the sob. She could make out the silhouette of a woman with blonde hair. It couldn't be anyone else but Amanda. Who else would be out here in the cold crying with nothing but a jumper and a pair of jeans. She must be frozen, Olivia thought alarmingly. In a few long strides she was near enough to touch the blonde but didn't in case it would scare her. "Amanda, honey? You okay? I've been looking for you."
The blonde wiped at her face and managed a small smile. "Um, I just needed some air. I'm fine." her head was bent so the tears that were brimming in her eyes couldn't be seen. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." she swallowed at the lump in her throat.
"Honey," Liv said softly. She placed her hand under Amanda's chin and brought her head up. "Why didn't you tell me where you were going?" her voice was soft and comforting, not angry at all, which surprised Amanda.
"I... I... I don't... I... I just thought that..." she sighed and ran her hands over her face in frustration, completely forgetting about the bloodied knuckles.
Olivia gasped at the sight. "Oh sweetie! What did you do? What did you do to yourself?" she gently grabbed her arm and studied it closer, looking at each cut that were still slowly seeping with blood.
Amanda tried to pull her arm away but Liv was stronger and she immediately gave up. "I had a fight with a tree. You should see the tree." she chuckled, trying to make a joke out of a bad and uncomfortable situation.
Olivia didn't register the joke. Her mind was set on the well-being of the woman in front of her. Suddenly she realized just how cold Amanda's skin felt compared to her own and she quickle discarded her jacket and wrapped it around small shivering shoulders. "Come on, let's get you home, warmed up and then I'll take a look at your cuts, okay? Come on, sweets."
As they made their way down along the narrow path it suddenly hit Amanda how stupid she had been. Liv was here because she simply wanted to be here. She could easily have left her here, not even bothering to look for her, if she so wished. But she was here and she had spent her valuable time to go look for her and that ment something, didn't it? The feeling of shame and embarrassment took over and she, yet again, felt like she was nothing but a burden to the detective. Liv deserved better than this. She stopped dead in her tracks, causing Olivia to halt, looking down at the shivering blonde.
"I'm sorry." Amanda whispered. "I'm so so sorry. I... I didn't mean to worry you. I... I don't want to be a burden to you. Maybe it's best if I go to a hotel? I just... I just feel like I can't do anything right. I know you're angry and I deserve it so maybe it's for the best if we don't..."
"Amanda," Liv interrupted her rambling, "we don't have time for this. You're shaking from the cold and your hand is bleeding. All I can say is that I'm not mad, I'm not angry, you're not staying at a hotel and you're not a burden. I will keep telling you that until you believe it. Now, please let's get you out of this cold."
They made their way back to Olivia's car and turned the heating up on full blast. There was a silence between the two. Not an awkward silence or an uncomfortable one, just a peaceful and calm quietness that was filled with so many emotions, feelings and thoughts that couldn't be heard, only sensed. Liv stole a quick glance at the blonde next to her and noticed that her eyes were closed. Dark circles were evident under her crystal clear blue eyes and she looked drained and worn down in general. Olivia wondered when she last had had a good nights sleep or a proper rest.
"We're here." Olivia's soft voice roused her from sleep. As they walked towards the building the brunette slipped her arm around Amanda's back for support and she could feel the small body lean in to hers. It was almost a repeat of last nights procedure of blankets and tea to warm the woman up. Wrapped in a thick woolly quilt she sat by the kitchen table and watched as Olivia gently tended to her cuts while sipping a sweet tea.
"There," she stated and put a large gauze over her knuckles and taped it in place, "hopefully it won't scar." Amanda just shrugged. She didn't care about scars. She had plenty of them, physical, emotional and psychological. Another mark wouldn't change anything. "Amanda," Liv said softly, "why did you do this to yourself?" Again the blonde shrugged and lowered her head in shame. "I know you don't want to talk about it but I need you to tell me what was going through your head today? Why did you sort to this, sweetie?"
She waited patiently for Amanda to give her an answer. Her heart ached for the pretty blonde, who sat next to her, looking so sad and lost. She reached out a hand and gently rubbed her back, willing warmth in to her chilled frame.
"I... I was ashamed." Amanda finally said in a whisper.
"Why, sweetheart? You have nothing to be ashamed of." Olivia kept a low and soothing voice. Her victim voice.
Amanda sniffled and fought back tears, hating herself for crying again in front of the stoic detective. "I feel... I feel like a burden. Like I can't do anything right. I killed two people. I know it was self defense and I was only trying to protect you. I'm not sorry that I did it but I... I just... I just can't get the images out of my head." she began to rock back and forth on the wooden chair and placed her hands over her face as if to help block the memories from appearing. "I just want it all to go away." she cried, "I was never weak or vulnerable and suddenly I... I feel... I feel so pathetic and fragile and I hate it! I fucking hate it! I just want it all to go away! Why can't it just go away?" sobs escaped her throat and she looked at Liv as if she would have the answers she was looking for. "Why?" her eyes pleaded and Olivia fought against her own tears. Her chest ached for this woman who had gone through so much in such a short period of time.
Gently, without permission, she scooped her up in her arms and carried the light weight in to the bedroom. Amanda's body was shaking from powerful sobs and perhaps also for being out in the cold for so long. Olivia held on and cooed softly in her ear. "Shh, baby. It's okay, it's okay to cry and feel vulnerable, it just shows that you're human. We all feel weak and fragile at some stage in our lifes and that's totally normal. Just accept it, sweetie. It's okay, just let it go. Let it all out, I've got you. Shh."
As Amanda cried into her chest, soaking her shirt with her salty tears, the detective lowered them both down onto the bed, sitting up against the headboard so she had a better angle to hold and soothe the distraught blonde. She pulled the covers over them for extra heat and began to slowly move her upper body from side to side, tenderly stroking blonde hair, rubbing her hand up and down her back and placed gentle and comforting kisses on her head and forehead.
"Oh my baby. You are strong. You are so so strong. You've gone through so much, too much. Nobody should have to go through what you did but look at you now. You're here, you are such a beautiful, intelligent, independent and loving person and I'm honoured to know you. You survived all of this alone but I'm here now, sweetie. You don't have to fight alone anymore. I'm right here for whatever you need. You're not a burden, never a burden, and you have nothing, and I mean nothing, to be ashamed of. I'm here and I will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe, loved and protected. I'm right here. Right here, sweetheart."
The sobs had lessened and were now just miserable little sniffles. A few minutes passed and Olivia was almost sertain that Amanda had fallen asleep when she heard a tiny voice coming from underneath her chin. "Safe." she mumbled. "You make me feel safe, loved and protected." she whispered and fought against sleep.
Olivia pulled her tighter against her body and couldn't help but to smile. "I'm glad sweetheart. I'm glad, cause you deserve it." she began to lower them both so they could lay down and be more comfortable. "Shh, just go to sleep, honey and you'll feel better in the morning."
"Nightmares." Amanda whimpered, already half asleep.
"Shhh, shhh. I'll be here. I'll be right here next to you the whole time. Nothing can hurt you, baby. You're safe. You're safe, sweetness."
As Olivia continued to whisper words of comfort and reassurance, Amanda slowly drifted of, her breathing became heavy, her body relaxed and her tears dried. Olivia stayed awake long in to the night, watching over her love, making sure she was sleeping peacefully and also preparing herself for nightmares that were bound to come.