Diary of Lily

Disclaimer: I don't own phantom of the opera. But if I did, it would be great. Rated for language and sexual themes/content.

Ever Since Christine's return, Lily has felt nothing but sadness. Erik had tried to make it clear to her that he was over Christine…that he wasn't going to go back to someone who caused him so much pain. She didn't believe him, most of her knew she'd lose him, Christine was everything she wasn't. She was graceful, pretty, better built, articulate, Hell—she was even a better ballet girl than Lily. She couldn't see a reason Erik wouldn't go back.

Lily was in the dormitories when she found a small, leather bound book pressed against her mattrace and the metal bars holding it up. She took it out and looked at it. She knew what it was, it was what she needed right then.

She found a quill and an ink well, and too everything to the Chapel in the opera house. She sat down beside the window and wrote in it.

As much as I want to believe Erik when he says he won't go back to Christine, I very much doubt he will live up to what he says. How do you tell someone that you don't believe them, when they try so hard to make you believe them? Especially when they've done nothing to make you think otherwise, other than a look of longing for the other woman.

I guess I could believe him, if he and I are to be together, I have to trust him. I hate using that old 'I trust you, It's her I don't trust' line, but that's just it. I trust him, but I don't trust Christine. The thing is—she and I are both women, so I know that if she wants Erik, she will use psychological warfare to get him.

Am I willing to fight? I mean—it's not like we're in love or anything. Erik loved Christine, and he still does. I know it; he can't hide the fact from me. Not Me, the woman that has been there for him for a little over a year now, I've been the one holding him when he cried, I've been the one who has been telling him over and over that she gave up one hell of a guy, and I've been the one singing him to sleep when he has restless nights. She's done nothing but hurt him.

How can a man as smart as Erik be so dim-witted? How can he not see that Christine hasn't done a thing for him, and I've done everything? I've taken care of him, I've learned from him, and I listen to him.

I've got choices too, I hope he knows. I can leave him and to go Victor any time I damn well please. I won't let Erik string me along like a fucking dog on a leash, I'm more than that, and I'm not simple like Christine. She gave him up, how could he be so quick as to take her back?

He told me not to worry. He says "Christine made her choice, and I've made mine, you know that." But I know he still has feelings for her.

My body hurts diary, I have to keep my hand steady to write legibly, how can it be possible to hurt so much? All the crying I've been doing lately has been causing my throat to hurt. I've been coughing more, and I'm afraid I've come down with a sickness. I went to the doctor, and he told me that if I'd stop crying I'd get better. But I can't stop, not with the pain in my heart. My body is always shaking, and it's always hurting. I always feel cold, and it feels like something's missing in me, as if I'd heaved up an organ of mine and I misplaced it. Is this what a broken heart feels like?

I've never had to go through his before. No man has ever looked my way the way Erik has. No man has ever sat me down and talked to me, and I've never felt so close to a man before. Erik is mine, not Christine's, and not anyone else's. MINE. It seems simple to me, maybe even possessive of me to call someone—who loves someone else—mine. He's not mine, I've never claimed him, and my name isn't written on him. I'm not wearing his ring and I'm not his.

I'm doing it again; I'm talking myself into crying. I'm so worried, what if he does chose her? Hell, if I was him—I would. What reason does he have to choose otherwise? Christine's perfect. Stupid—but perfect.

No, she's not perfect. She's submissive. She'll do anything and everything he says because he can sing her into a trance; she's hypnotized by him, not in love with him.

All I want to do is cry, even if I don't know if I have a reason. I feel so stupid, crying over something and I don't know what it is. Maybe in that way Erik and I are perfectly matched, I can't cry in front of him without being asked why, and admitting that I feel my heart breaking isn't something I want to do, but admitting that I don't know why is something I don't want to do either. I try and swallow a cry every time I feel it coming, when I can't, I go into the bathroom and run some bath water. That controls what he does and doesn't hear until I can collect myself again.

I have to stop this; I have to believe him when he says he doesn't love Christine. I have to…but can I? I don't know right now, I guess I'll have to write again if anything else happens.

Lily closed the book and looked up. She was alone, she had to close her eyes and release a sigh. It felt good to write in her diary, it made her feel like she could talk to someone- anyone. She'd actually started writing in it around Christmas time, when Erik had gotten it for her as a present. She got him some personalized score books, and he got her the diary she held so close.

She couldn't cry, not anymore. She had to be a big girl so-to-speak. She was an adult, and she couldn't go sobbing over every little thing like a teenager. She liked to think that everything was OK. That Erik loved her too but was too shy to admit it. That they'd get together eventually and someday have a family together. But she couldn't hope for it, because deep in her knew that he'd choose Christine. Everyone loved little Miss Daae.

Sorry for it being so short, but that was the PERFECT place to end it. If I'd have kept going it wouldn't be a good ending. So it's a short chapter.