Chapter 21
The months and years slid by and Sam existed. She didn't live but she did exist. It was as much as she could hope for.
She moved out of Aunt Sue's apartment. Sam became tired of Aunt Sue asking her to go out, do something besides just moping around.
Sam didn't want to do anything besides mope around. Her life was over. She had blown it. She had cheated on the man she loved. What did she have to live for if she didn't have Jake?
Many nights Sam sat in the darkness, listening to her iPod and crying until she had no more tears to cry.
One song, which didn't really have anything to do with losing the love of your life, moved Sam to tears every time she heard it.
Sometimes she put the song on repeat and curled up into a little ball and bawled her eyes out, great choking sobs escaping from her. Then she'd listen to it again. Then again.
The words forever in my shame in the songresonated with her. She would bear the shame of losing Jake this way for the rest of her days. She would be alone due to this shame and betrayal for the rest of her life.
How long would that life be?
Sam didn't know. She wasn't sure how much more she could take.
Some days it just seemed simpler and easier to just do herself in. She had nothing to live for. She had nobody who cared for her the way Jake had cared for her.
They had joked that they had found their soulmates at four and six. To Sam it wasn't a joking matter because for her it was true. She was now without her soulmate and she didn't want to live without him. She couldn't live without him.
She dropped another size but didn't buy any new clothes. She didn't care that her clothes hung on her. She didn't care that her hair looked like a haystack. She just didn't care anymore.
It was the end of February when Jen called her. Sam could tell by the tone of her voice that Jen didn't want to tell her something.
"Just say it," Sam's tone was deadened. Whatever Jen had to say wouldn't make a difference to Sam. How could you become any deader than dead?
She heard Jen sigh deeply. "How are you today?"
"How do you think I am?" Sam retorted.
"Today's not a good day then," Jen said.
"I don't have good days anymore," Sam told her. "My good days ended a couple of years ago."
"Gosh, has it been that long?" Jen was surprised.
"Yeah," Jen heard the emotion in Sam's voice.
"I'm sorry, Sam. Please don't cry," Jen pleaded.
"Too late," Sam murmured. "So what bad news do you have for me today? Jake getting married? Having a baby?"
"No, he's not having a baby," Jen told her and Sam's blood ran cold.
"He's engaged," her voice broke.
"Yeah," Jen confirmed. She held her breath hoping that Sam wouldn't fall apart.
"I'm glad he's happy," Sam tried to put on a brave front. Inside her heart was breaking. Re-breaking. Into a thousand pieces. No, a million pieces.
How can a heart keep breaking? How much could it take before it just quit functioning?
So much for the song she had listened to earlier. You could break a broken heart.
"Thanks for telling me, Jen," Sam's voice was barely audible.
"I wish you'd come home," Jen said.
"I don't have a home," Sam told her friend.
"Of course you do," Jen insisted.
"Jen, there's no way I could ever stand to see him with someone else," Sam's voice trembled. "I can't even stand to think about him with someone else."
"I'm sorry, honey," Jen murmured.
"Yeah, me too," Sam's voice broke on a sob. "I need to let you go."
She cut Jen off and tossed her phone down on the couch next to her. Sam put her hands over her face.
Her eyes stung. Her lips trembled. Sam hung on as long as she could, putting off the next breath she would have to take. When she finally drew it, her whole body quaked with the grief she could no longer hold back.