Ok, Writer's block is a bitch. Nuff said. I've had parts planned out, but I had no idea how to link them together. But sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it. Weird part: It got way easier once I just started writing. I'll keep that in mind next time I get writer's block. I'm going to try to keep getting new chapters out more often, but I'll have to start cutting down in a couple of weeks. I won't bore you with why, but it's just unavoidable.
Also, I'm just going to go ahead and take down the poll; it seems like majority wants Feros, and I think it would actually make more sense, for reasons that'll be explained later in the story. This way, I can actually start thinking that out instead of trying to stay semi-neutral so we can end up in either planet.
Should I do another joke for the disclaimer? Well ok, if you insist. I don't own Mass Effect; if I did, Jacob would have died in the first five seconds.
I stretched my arms, glad to finally be able to move again. Chakwas had kept me in the Med Bay for another two days after my conversation with Ashley. Well, if that could really be called a conversation. I'm not convinced it wasn't just me going crazy. Thankfully, Shepard had convinced her to let me out, though I wasn't supposed to engage in anything strenuous, and I was supposed to avoid my Biotics. I had been pissed off about the last part, but I reluctantly had agreed to get out. I figured the only time I'd really need them anyway would be in a fight, and then I'd have bigger problems to worry about then the doctor's orders. I left the medbay for the first time in days, and just stood in the door way a moment, looking around. Where is everyone? We aren't supposed to reach the citadel for another 10 hours. Oh, duh, they must be packing for shore leave.
"How are you holding up Lt?" I barely managed to keep from jumping in surprise. I had completely forgotten the fact that Kaiden was working at the,ummm… huh, maybe I should ask him what it is he's doing. They never really explained it.
"Not too bad, all things considered." I replied. I had a sense of unease, and I wasn't sure why. "What about you?" I hated to admit it to myself, but I was mostly asking to distract him a moment. How did I not notice him? He was there most of the- I almost felt my heart stop (again) as the answer hit me.
"I'm better now. I've had worse migraines, and I couldn't really feel it once I passed out."
A fake smile came almost effortlessly now. "Yeah, I guess I need to go on a diet if it took three of you to haul me on board." I kept the smile, my face feeling like it was going to split as my true emotions tried to manifest themselves in my expression.
"I'll admit, I had a few doubts about Wrex, but they're long gone now. Bounty hunter or not, I'm glad he's on our side. Uh, no offense Lt."
I just kept the fake smile, if only barely, and nodded. I turned towards the elevator, and headed down to the lower level. For once I was grateful for the long wait, as my barely hidden emotions swarmed to the surface. I had figured out exactly why I hadn't noticed Kaiden there; why I hadn't even thought about the fact that should have been there. I had walked past his console plenty of times in the game. But most of the time, he hadn't been there.
Virmire. Among the many thoughts fighting for dominance, that was first and foremost. I tried to rationalize it, as I had outside the Consort's Chambers, but I failed. He saved my life not even a week ago, and I still want to kill him. I fought the urge to collapse against the wall; if I was there when the doors opened, I'd have to blame my injury, and be stuck in the medlab longer. I settled for resting my head against the wall in front of me, my eyes closed. No, I don't want to kill him, but there isn't another option. I don't want to lose Ashley. I felt a wave of nausea hit me at the very thought. I read a lot of fan-fics about this universe, but I never felt it very realistic when Shepard sacrificed their love interest; I never did that when I played either. I can't lose Ashley like that, I just can't! Damn it! Why can't I get back to that uncaringness I had on the citadel? I was ready to kill him without a second thought when it came down to it.
I didn't know. Face it, that's one part of that nightmare that was right. I'm no hero; I'm just some random guy that ended up in his favorite video game. I have the chance to be a hero, but I won't be one. If I was, I'd tell Shepard everything, tell the Council everything. I could avert a catastrophe. And yet, I know I won't. It has to happen. I grimaced at the thought, still trying to convince myself. If I do, the universe could collapse on itself.
(You're assuming that they'd believe you in the first place)
I jerked up. That wasn't me.I thought for a second and realized I must have dozed off. I guess that injury must have taken more out of me than I thought. I looked at the sides of the elevator, where I could see it moving against up and down, and realized it was coming to a stop.
The door slid open, and I nearly walked right into Tali. I smiled, genuinely this time.
"Oh, hello Bourne. I didn't realize you were in there. Though, it was coming down, so I should have realized there was someone in there. And now I'm babbling like an idiot."
I just enjoyed her presence for a moment, glad to be around someone that didn't make me nervous. "Tali, trust me; I've had to deal with plenty of idiots, and you're one of the least idiotic people I know."
"Thanks. I don't believe it, but it's nice of you to say anyway."
"Tali, Shepard told me you're blaming yourself for what happened down there." I almost surprised myself at my directness. What the hell is with me today?
"What? Oh Keelah…" She was looking around frantically, as though looking for an excuse to end the conversation; her hands were making that frantic 'hand washing' motion she always made when she was nervous.
"I just want you to know that I don't blame you at all."
Tali sighed. "That's what everyone said. They didn't convince me either."
My mind raced; I was glad to be thinking of something else. "I get the feeling something else is pulling you down as well"
"Well maybe a little, but it's nothing."
"You sure?"
"I don't want to be a burden. Don't worry, I'll figure it out-"
"You've been having trouble sleeping since the Normandy runs so quiet?" It was more of a statement than a question.
Tali just stared at me, her eyes wide. "How did you know that?"
I chuckled. "It'd be hard for just about anyone to surprise me with anything. I've seen a lot, and I know very well how to read people."
"Thanks for holding the Elevator Tali." I fought back a surprised jump once again as I realized I hadn't even seen Ashley coming over. I scanned the room and realized that Wrex and Garrus actually weren't there. Good, I really didn't want to be surprised another time.
"Of course" Tali seemed grateful at a change of conversation. I decided to go along with unspoken request and just drop it.
"What's going on that everyone's going up?" I asked.
"The skipper called some sort of meeting for the ground team. Everyone else is already up there"
"I was just going to hold the Elevator so she wouldn't have to wait."
"I have to go back up after I just rode down?" I groaned.
"Hey, maybe some company will make the ride seem shorter." Ashley winked. I opened my mouth to reply in kind, then remembered that Tali was there and decided against it. I shook my head slightly, and Ashley got the hint.
They got in, and we headed back up to the Debriefing. I shook my head as the sense of unease returned. It seemed to increase as we got closer to the upper deck. I kept my poker face, but I was almost ready to run like a bat out of hell. I was getting freaked out, as much by the level of unease as the unease itself.
What the hell is going on? I wondered.
We got off the elevator, and headed upstairs. We walked in, and I was actually surprised a moment. Huh, guess my being here wasn't enough to add a seventh chair. It occurred to me that I hadn't been in here before.
"So, why did you drag us in here?" Wrex asked.
Shepard was standing in the middle of the room, where she could face everyone at once. I took a page out of her book, and leaned against the wall. Hold on I realized I had unconsciously picked the spot closest the door. I don't get it.
(What's not to get?)
I kept my poker face in place, but I wanted to run more than I had before. That wasn't me either!
(Obviously)
"Bourne?" Shepard's voice got my attention.
"Yeah?"
"Just making sure you were actually paying attention. The reason I called you in here is that we didn't get the chance to meet after the mission, and Bourne's been in the Med-lab the past few days. This is the first chance we've had to meet as a group."
Joker's voice cut over the intercom. "Yeah, and I'd just like to point out how close a call that was. A few more seconds and the Normandy would have been sucked inside out from the vacuum. This ship isn't equipped to have the door open until the last minute. It tends to drain all the air and suffocate everyone on board." I could 'hear' a smirk in his voice. "Just for future reference"
I rolled my eyes.
"We almost died out there and the Pilot is making jokes?" Liara asked, though I couldn't place exactly what the tone in her voice was. It might have been indignation, or it could have been confusion. Or both.
Shepard turned to her, smiling slightly. "It's a coping mechanism. Trust me, you'll get used to it."
"I see. It must be a human thing." I couldn't keep from laughing at that, though despite the sudden mirth, I felt an even stronger level of tension then before. Now it was more like a premonition of disaster.
Liara looked at me in confusion then seemed to decide not to ask. She turned back to Shepard. "I don't have much experience dealing with your species commander. Though I am grateful to you. You saved my life back there."
"But do you know why Saren was after you?" I broke in. I hated being so blunt, but I wanted to get out of here as fast as possible. My head was practically ready to split.
"Do you know something about the conduit?" Kaiden asked. I almost flinched at his voice, sure that Virmire was the source my unease. I was surprised when it didn't increase at all. So then, what's really going on?
(You really are slow, aren't you?')The other voice, for it clearly wasn't mine sounded almost-condescending? The only other time I'd head a tone like that…
No way. I thought. Just ignore it. Focus on the conversation.
"Only that it was somehow connected to the prothean extinction. That is my real area of expertise. I have spent the last fifty years trying to figure out what happened to them."
The pressure in my head increased as she mentioned her studying. What the hell? Why is this one conversation doing this to me? What is it about this conversation?
"Wait. Did you say fifty years?" Shepard asked.
"Yes. It seems a long while to you, but in an Asari's eyes, it is very little. I'm still considered a child by Asari standards."
"Not to be rude, but how old are you exactly?" I felt some pride that my voice didn't change despite the pressure against my head.
"I hate to admit it, but I am only a 106"
Ashley chuckled. "Damn, I hope I look that good when I'm that age."
"That makes two of us" I joked. I don't care how much my head hurts, no way am I letting a joke that perfect pass by. Kaiden looked at me in surprise, but decided not to comment.
"That may seem ancient to you humans, but it's barely old enough to be living on their own to a long lived species like hers or mine" Wrex rumbled in reply.
"Which is why my research has not gotten much attention." Liara explained. "Because of my youth, other Asari scholars tend to dismiss my theories on what happened to the protheans." I noticed she seemed more confident talking about her work.
"I have my own ideas about what happened to the protheans" Shepard cut in.
"With all due respect commander, I have heard every theory out there-"
I cut across, my tongue almost moving of its own accord. "You haven't heard this one. And it's not just a theory. The Protheans were wiped out by a race of sentient machines called the reapers, just like several civilizations before them." Liara turned to me in surprise.
"What? How do you know that there were other civilizations before them? I have been researching for years and Ihave hardly found eviden-" She stopped as she realized what I had said about what wiped them out. "Wait, Reapers? I have never heard of…how do you know this? What evidence do you-?"
Shepard cleared her throat, getting Liara's attention. "There was a prothean beacon on Eden Prime. It was damaged, but it still had enough life in it to send a vision into both my head" She smirked. "And into Bourne's head, such as it is."
Ash, Wrex, and Garrus all laughed at that, but her words sent a light bulb flickering above my head. Of course, how could I have been so naive? "Into My head. When she melds minds with me, she'll see every experience and memory I've ever had. Including the ones from the real world!
("Real world" is such a relative concept. And aren't you forgetting that she'll find out about me?)
Oh crap. I addressed the other voice directly. )Fuck. I knew it was you I heard. But how did you survive? I stabbed you with like…32 knives!(
(Yes, I'm still pissed about that. But, either way, I doubt either of us want her rooting through this mind, so I'm willing to put our differences aside a moment so we can plan. We don't need another person in this mind.)
)Don't you mean my mind?(
(For now it is. At least you're actually acknowledging me this time; your normal thoughts were nearly impossible to understand.)
)Too bad. Now shut up and let me think. I can't listen to them, and to you at the same time(
(very well, though I think you are making a mistake.)
I focused my attention outward again, knowing that Iron was right about not wanting people to find out.
"We're still trying to sort out what it means." Shepard told Liara.
"Visions?" Liara asked herself "Yes, of course, that makes sense. The beacons were designed to transmit information directly into the user's mind. Finding one that still works is extremely rare. No wonder the Geth attacked Eden Prime."
"The risk was worth the Gain." Garrus agreed.
"But wouldn't the beacons have only been designed to work with a prothean mind?" Tali asked.
"Yes, and they would have been programmed to transmit the information is way that corresponded to Prothen Physiology. Whatever information they received would have been unclear, or distorted."
"My vision was certainly that way" I said, stalling for time.
"I am…" Liara searched for a word, "Amazed, you two were able to make any sense of it at all. You must have had remarkably strong wills."
"Or I'm just stubborn." I joked.
(Stubborn? More like too stupid to have understood it)
)Go to hell. Again.(
"Another mind might have been utterly destroyed by the process, whatever the reason."
)Liara seems to be thinking along the same lines I am.(
(You were expecting her to deviate wildly?)
)Look. Another time, I'd be happy to trade insults all day. But seeing as she's probably going to be in here pretty soon, how about we…( I cut off, realizing something. I considered it carefully then decided it was the best chance.
(What are you thinking?)
)I'm thinking that winding up in the loony bin would be inconveniencing for us both. You need to be quiet so I can focus on my plan. If I'm even a second off, it'll fall apart, and I don't have time to explain it(
"Neither is that sort of attitude Ashley" I heard Shepard say dimly. I focused back on the conversation, and realized Ashley had made her 'this isn't helping us find anything out' comment.
"I'm sorry, my scientific curiosity got the better of me. Unfortunately, I lack any information that could help you."
(Maybe we can convince her not to mind meld)
)We both know that we can't unscramble the vision without her(
(But we already know what it means)
)But Raptor doesn't. And if I just gave her the information, it'd be back to the whole 'not from around here thing. Now once again, SHUT THE HELL UP!(
"I don't know why Saren wanted you out of the picture, but I think we'd all be a lot better off with you here on the Normandy" Shepard said reassuringly.
"Thank you commander. Saren might come after me again, and I can't think of any place safer than here. And my knowledge of the Protheans might be useful later on."
"And her Biotics will come in handy when the fighting starts" Wrex and I said at the same time. He looked annoyed that I had said the same thing as him, but I ignored it and pressed on. "And I think I know how your knowledge of the Protheans could already come in handy."
(What are you doing?)
)Just watch(
"You said that you were an expert on the Protheans. Maybe you'd be able to-" I pretend to cut off, rethinking it and looked away. "No, no, what am I thinking? I shouldn't even ask"
"What?" Shepard and Liara both asked at once.
"No, never mind, it's a stupid idea" My tone said I didn't want to discuss it. And if I'm right about Raptor, and I usually am, that's exactly how to get her to ask about it.
"Well, I don't see any other ideas, so lay it on me" Shepard replied.
(What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to get her meld with us?)
)Took you long enough( I replied smugly. "Well, since she's an expert on the protheans, she might be able to help figure the visions out"
Shepard looked confused. "How could she help us with that? I wouldn't be able to describe it with as much detail as would be needed, and I doubt you'd be able to either."
(You were right, you are insane! She doesn't have to meld until we get the other half and the cipher. She shouldn't even have to meld first off)
)In game, she had just been rescued. She's had two days, and she'd have come up with it herself anyway.(
Liara was puzzled a moment, then realized what I was suggesting. "Of course! If we were to meld minds, I might be able to help you understand the visions."
Shepard shrugged, then turned to me. "So who should go first?"
I pretend to think it over, though she'd actually fallen into my strategy perfectly. "Well, you were the one who got knocked out. Maybe you got more information?" I suggested.
"That seems like it would make sense." Liara agreed.
"Well, it's worth a shot." Shepard agreed. Liara went over to stand in front of her. She reached a hand out, putting it on Shepard's forehead. "Relax commander." Shepard's eyes shut. Liara's did the same for a moment, then opened again, almost all black. "Embrace eternity!"
I watched them, timing it out. After about two minutes, Liara's eyes went back to normal, and she stepped back from Shepard. "That was, intense."
(Think it was good for Shepard too?)
)Heh, I'll have to remember to use that one sometime(
"Did you find anything?" Kaiden asked.
Liara shook her head. "No. Actually, the vision seems incomplete. Perhaps there is another half that would make it more clear. Perhaps Lt. Bourne has-" She staggered, and Shepard rushed to catch her. Well, it worked that time. Now I just have to do it one more time.
"Are you ok?"
"I am fine Commander. It is simply that melding minds is exhausting. The other's mind, particularly one as strong willed as yours, instinctively resists the melding."
Shepard seem to realize exactly how close they were, and took a few steps back.
"It is only passing. As I was saying, Lt Bourne may have the missing half of the vision."
She turned to me, but I held up a hand, forestalling her. "Maybe you ought to wait on doing that. You've recovered, but I don't think doing that twice in one day is such a good idea. You had a hard enough time doing it with Shepard. I doubt melding with the mind of someone who was recently pumped full of Biotic suppressants would be a good idea either. Hows about we wait for a while?"
Garrus spoke up. "Are you sure that it's wise to wait?"
I looked at him, then looked at Liara as though reconsidering. "No way. I'm not going to risk her health over this." I blinked, and a white light filled the inside of my eyelids as I pointed at her. I opened my eyes and saw her staggering slightly once again, Shepard again catching her. "Bourne is right. You should head to the Medbay and rest up."
"I suppose you are right. Are we done here then?"
"We're done for now. Head down to the doctor. The rest of you: dismissed."
Joker's voice came over the intercom. "Hey commander, you want me to wait on sending the mission report so Bourne can add his input?"
I answered "Yeah, let's do it that way. "
"That's what she said"
"Hey Joker, you realize as your commanding officer I could recommend you for some big award, and then you'd have to attend some big ceremony and shave off that beard you've probably been working on for weeks?"
"Roger that Bourne. Shutting up now."
"Good answer"
The others filed out of the room, but I stood against the wall a moment. Damn, I am weaker than I thought. Biotics took more out me then they should have.
(I very much hate to admit it, but that was a good plan. Although simply trying hid your glowing eyes by blinking was a bit of a risk. You still haven't explained how you plan to keep Liara from finding out about me though…)His voice faded.
)You still there?( Silence was the only reply, but I wasn't going to complain. So either Iron can only talk to me if there's a danger of discovery, or maybe only during certain points in time? At least he's out of my head for now. I left the room, and almost walked right into Shepard. She smiled and handed me a blank data pad.
"What's this for?"
"Did you expect to write your report with a gun?"
"Well, at least that'd be fun." I smirked. I took the data pad, mentally groaning. Paperwork. Great. Still, it's better than Iron. But even if he's not actively in my head, how much is he influencing my thoughts anyway? Now that I think about it, He could have manipulated them just like I did.
No. I'm not going to push responsibility for this purely on him. I made the choice to do that, just like I made the choice about Virmire. This time, I'm not deciding just because he's in my head, trying to make as dark as he is. I'm making the choice because I'm not a hero. I'm not Shepard.
I'm Jason Bourne.
I'm not a hero, I'm not evil. If I have to sacrifice others to save lives, so be it. If I have to let people die, because they can't be saved, I will. Iron would agree with me on that. The difference is, he would do it and be gleeful. He wouldn't care. I do. That's what separates me from scum like him. I'm not a hero, and I know it. I'll bare that guilt though. The alternative is worse. I don't like it.
I am Jason Bourne. I'll do the right thing, even if I have to be a villain to act like a hero. I won't stop until the Reapers are gone, or I am.
I know what the future holds, and I know everything that can happen. I don't know why I was brought here, or how I was brought here. But I do know this: The Reapers aren't going to win. Not unless it's over my dead, cold body.
I am Jason Bourne. I don't have another name now. I'm a Spectre. I'm not a hero. But Shepard is, and I'm not going to let her fail.
Ok, maybe that last bit went on a little long. Either way, I hope you're enjoying "Stuck in a World of Fiction." I'm not going to say when the next chapter might be up, since that'd jinx it, but It'll definately be a shorter wait. Until next time, sayonara.