Conclusion
Tell her that you love her
Tell her that you need her
Tell her that you want her to stay
Reassure her with a kiss
She may never know unless you
Show her what your feeling
Tell her you're believing
Even though it's hard to say
'Cause she needs to know you're thinking of her
So open up and tell her that you love her
"Tell Her" Lone Star
Julia watched as Barnabas pushed his food aimlessly around his plate. She watched him, cautiously, wondering if his seeming lack of appetite and subdued mood, could be an early sign of his illness returning.
She'd been called back to Boston, a week later, to another hearing by the Medical
Board, as they returned their verdict, on their own investigation, into Philip's death. And once more, Barnabas had insisted on accompanying her.
During the past week, he had yet to mention returning to Collinsport, and the Old House. She thought he would insist on returning almost the second he deemed himself well enough; but he hadn't. And he continued to consider her and her wants, rather than his own. She had to admit she liked this side of him, and was grateful that he was here with her now.
As they'd had a few hours to fill, before the return flight to Bangor, they had decided to take in the sights, which had led to them having a light lunch. She continued to watch him her concern growing, yet knowing that if she voiced her concerns, he'd insist he was fine, and then continue to brood about whatever was on his mind.
/
They were seated on the sofa in her apartment, later that evening. After returning to from Boston, Barnabas had retreated to his room, saying that he was feeling a little weary. Despite his returning good health, he still tired easily.
When she'd checked on him several hours later, she found him making a phone call, and overhearing Willie's name, decided that he was finally making preparations to return to Collinsport after all, and felt a little disappointed that he hadn't mentioned it to her. He'd also stopped asking her to return with him. With a sigh, she'd casually asked him if he'd like to have dinner with her, that evening. He'd accepted immediately, neglecting to mention his planned departure.
Now, the conversation lagged, and Barnabas became subdued. Julia noticed the preoccupied expression from earlier in the day. He looked down at his hands, and then rose quickly to his feet.
Julia knew better than to question him, when he was in this kind of mood. It was far better to let him take his time. Rushing or pushing him, was a gesture of futility.
He stood with his back to her, staring out into the darkness that he had so recently escaped.
Julia waited patiently on the sofa, quietly watching him, while he gathered his thoughts.
"It wasn't my intention to hurt you, Julia," he said at length, still with his back towards her. "And I'm deeply, deeply, sorry." He turned to face her, his expression one of great sorrow and regret. He struggled to find the right words, and unable to meet her gaze, he looked down at onyx ring, twisting it nervously. "Nor was it my intention, to...to drive you from Collinwood."
He turned back to the window; head bowed, his shoulder sagging, as if under a great weight. He took his time, choosing his words, with great care. "I know saying that it was Angelique I loved hurt you very, very deeply, and I'm so very sorry for that, too." He paused, nervously, keeping his back to her.
"Barnabas," she began, but he turned to face her, glancing at her quickly, clearly upset. "Please, let me finish," he said quietly. She grew silent, knowing that if he didn't say what he wanted, he never would.
He swallowed again, his dry throat clicking. He started to say something, then stopped, not liking the way it sounded in his head. Sarah's words, echoed in his mind, promising to return, if he did what seemed so impossible. He'd done so much to hurt her, in the past, had even used the fact she loved him to his own advantage.
He took a breath, and heard himself say, "I tried so hard, not to love you, Julia," he risked looking at her, and almost smiled at her astonished expression, but forced himself, to continue. "But it was a fight, I could never win." He turned away again, the courage to face her suddenly gone. "I could never understand how you could love me, as I was, what I'd done...I couldn't love myself, so why should anyone else? I was...extremely cruel...when I realised that you truly loved me, not just out of pity. I-I-I pushed you away, cruelly; I didn't believe I deserved to be loved. I was loathsome...I was evil. And I'm sorry for that, too."
He moved away from the window, but didn't come to any closer to her. She sat listening in silence, her heart pounding.
"When I realised that you could love me, even then, it frightened me. When I realised that I was falling in love with you, I knew I had to fight it, because of what I was...if I allowed myself, to love you, because of the very nature of the vampire, you would be placed in even greater danger…so I tried to turn you away from me, in other ways...Then in 1840, when Roxanne almost succeeded in destroying you, I knew I couldn't hide it anymore, and that I had to act."
He stopped again, gathering his thoughts. He took another deep breath, and somehow managed to look at her. "I never wanted to hurt you, Julia. But to convince Angelique that I loved her, I had to convince you," he said, quickly. "And it was that decision, that finally drove you away. I thought, by convincing her, I loved her; she'd leave my family and I alone, if her spirit still shadowed Collinwood. She'd leave me alone, to be with the woman I truly love!" he spoke quickly, a passion filling his words. He took a step closer to her, but still held his distance, not knowing what her reaction would be. "I know you have every reason, to doubt everything that I've said. I love you, Julia, and can't face one more day without you." He stared at her, wearing his heart on his sleeve. Then delving into his jacket pocket, he pulled out the music box that he'd given to his other "loves". "I want you to have this," he said, placing it on a nearby table.
She rose to her feet, her back to him, cupping her elbow with one hand, and biting the nails of the other. She wanted to believe him, but the hurt, despite his reasoning, still remained, though to a lesser degree than it had. While he'd been ill, she'd pushed it to one side, focusing all her energies on finding a cure. Once more, it had been someone else who'd found the cure...though it had cost him his own life, and little of the respect she'd once had for him.
She stared at the music box, and then at him. He stood facing her, his heart sinking, as he read the expression in her eyes. His voice caught slightly, as he said; "I'm too late." He looked down at his hands, wishing the floor would open up and swallow him whole. He remained where he was, for five minutes, then in a choked voice said, "Excuse me," he said, turning to leave.
She stared at the music box, wondering if she should be flattered or furious. She thought of all the other "women" he had "loved", and as a token had received this same music box, beginning first with Josette, then Vicki, Maggie, Lady Kitty, though she hadn't witnessed it, she thought she knew him well enough, that it was more than a probability, since she was the reincarnation of Josette. She tried to think if he'd ever given it to Roxanne, and couldn't quite decide. One thing she knew was that Angelique had never been made a gift of it, and for that she was grateful.
Her eyes widened suddenly as another thought came to her, and she turned and called him, without pausing. Of all the women, that had received this, she was the first he hadn't wanted as Josette. He loved her, and her alone.
"Wait," she said, and he stopped his back to her, head bowed. He sensed her approach him. "Barnabas, look at me," she said quietly.
He sighed, and with another deep breath, turned slowly to face her, a spark of hope in his eyes, though his expression said differently.
"Thank you, for the music box, but you have to understand, that giving it to me, doesn't makes everything alright between us. There are still things between us that have to be resolved."
He came to her, the hope in his eyes, lighting his face; at least he had a chance, and he wasn't about to waste. "Julia, I'll do anything, no matter what it takes, to show you, that your faith me hasn't been in vain."
Them moving closer, his hand touched her cheek gently. "You mean the world to me, Julia. Of all the women I've ever loved, you are the only one, I can't truly do without."
Hesitating only a moment, he lowered his head, his lips finding hers. Finding no resistance, the kiss grew bolder. His arms tightened around her, as hers, travelled up his chest to rest on his shoulders, and then met behind his neck. As the kiss deepened, she felt the hope of a future with Barnabas, burn more brightly in her heart.