21 – And All the King's men

--

Shuichi's face hurt from smiling.

Standing amidst the noisy crowd, he wanted nothing more than to be… alone. It was annoying, being 'alone' in a group of people. He wanted peace and quiet, and had to chuckle at this thought. Him, Shindou Shuichi, in need of peace and quiet, imagine that?

Glancing quickly about to make sure no one was looking, he made a quick getaway. Making his way to the back of the Uesugi temple property, he made for the bridge he knew was there. The sound of the water was peaceful and he sought that calm atmosphere now, away from the garden party in full swing on the Temple side lawn.

Tatsuha had invited a mass of his friends from the culture school he attended. As part of his monk's training, his father had sent him to a cultural arts school where he learned Japanese history, calligraphy, and (Tatsuha's favourite) Painting. The singer had been expecting a quiet bunch, reminiscent of the type Uesugi-Senior would likely approve as company for his heir. Instead, they were a rowdy bunch and, unfortunately, all fans of Bad Luck.

They had known the young monk was the novelist Yuki Eiri's sibling, but had been floored when the band arrived, greeting Tatsuha like the old friend he was. His ears were still ringing from the shrill yells…

Stepping onto the bridge, Shuichi bent and folded his arms on the railing, laying his chin down on his arms. He stared down into the water at his reflection before looking beyond to admire the pretty carp.

"Must be nice to go with the flow down there," he murmured to himself. "Less delicate choices; such a simpler way to live."

"But sometimes complicated is a good thing."

Shuichi didn't move, continuing to look down, not acknowledging Eiri's presence.

"If not for 'complicated', for example, you and I wouldn't have what we do without all the strings and such," the writer observed, his footfalls sounding on the wood as he approached. Closer now, Eiri seemed to sense Shu's need for quiet, and said no more.

Shuichi listened to the wind blow, relished the feel of it caressing his skin and hair. Despite his surroundings and his calm demeanour, despite having Eiri standing by his side, he felt horribly empty. Listlessly, he sighed.

The writer shifted, stepping around behind Shuichi and coming to stand very close. His hands gently slid down the singer's upper arms, hooking Shu's elbows and gently guiding him to stand upright, before pulling the singer back against himself. Shu kept his hands on the railing, leaning back against Eiri, and let his head rest on the writer's chest. He welcomed the warm arms that came around to hold him in an embrace which made him aware of how cold he really was inside.

He smiled a little when he felt the writer press a small kiss to the top of his head and murmured, "Thanks."

"I may not be… Hiro," whispered Eiri into Shu's hair. "But if you want to talk, I will listen."

"Let me keep my thoughts my own for now," the singer said. The guitarist's name caused a particular acute tightness in his chest. "But thanks for the offer."

After a long while, Eiri asked on a whisper, "Is this enough?"

"Yes." Shuichi reached up with one hand, closing it around Eiri's which were crossed across his chest. "For now."

-

Hiro watched the two embrace, appreciating the quiet between them. He turned and left the two alone seeing, even if Shuichi didn't realise it, how the singer calmed in Eiri's presence; in the writer's arms.

Best not to disturb them.

He went to sit by a small fish pond by the side of the house. Out of the way but within view of the party, he pulled out his pack of cigarettes and lit up. A while later, Tatsuha sidled up to sit next to him.

"How are they?" asked the monk quietly.

Hiro replied, "Together. Quiet."

"They have a lot to sort out."

"I know." Hiro offered the pack to the young monk, who took one. "Whatever the result is, I just want Shuichi to be happy."

"I think they need each other, those two," Tatsuha said, half to himself. "Together, happiness is happier; sadness sadder. They are good together regardless of the stupid mistakes they make, regardless of the drama."

"Shuichi has never been without drama in his life, anyway," Hiro agreed, earning a raised-brows look from the young monk. "Shut up, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, they belong together. And I'm glad that writer has sorted himself out because that's the only reason—"

"Oh, give over," Tatsuha scolded. "You left them to their relationship years ago. And after what Aniki told you in the car…"

"Shut up," Hiro repeated, frowning, blowing out a harsh plume of smoke. "And I'm not done with them yet."

Tatsuha sobered. He looked questioningly at the irritated guitarist.

--

--

"Not done with you at all." Hiro frowned, "Not when you're looking even more haggard and stressed than ever." He plunked his hands down on his hips and glared. "I see you, everyone sees you – you are hiding something even now in spite of that conversation you had with us at the hospital."

Shuichi sighed, flopping over backward on the couch of the hotel suite living room.

"Oi." The guitarist narrowed his eyes at his best friend, glad he could be so honest, alone with his childhood friend. "They may not see it, they have become used to seeing you this way… but I can tell."

"Leave it alone, Hiro."

"No," the guitarist insisted. "Everyone's on your case, I know that and I sympathise. But that's because we love you Shuichi, I love you. How can you think that I really would leave this alone?"

Shuichi rolled over and curled up.

"Can't you tell me anything?" he prodded gently, coming to stand beside the couch where the quiet singer lay. "Anything at all? I just want to help."

"I love you, too, Hiro, you know that." Shuichi muttered. "But I can only tell you what I can, not everything."

"Why?"

"Because it will break things…" Shuichi sounded hoarse, as though he were crying. Gods, did they all do nothing but make the boy cry?! "It could break me, I am just not ready to talk about some things."

"I'm just glad you're willing to talk," he said, honestly. He sank down into a chair and put his head in his hands. "I thought you wouldn't ever talk to me."

"That's not—"

"I know, Shu." With a small wry chuckle, Hiro observed, "This will be a rather long story, won't it?"

Chuckling wetly, Shuichi replied, "Yes, it will."

"Some tea would be good."

Shuichi tossed his feet over the edge of the couch and got to his feet. Like a responsible host, he shuffled off to pick up the phone and order room service.

Quickly, Hiro dived his hand into his pocket, pushing a sequence of call buttons he didn't need to see to know he was dialling the right person. He muttered to himself, "You had better pick up, you bastard…"

Shuichi turned back around and flopped back over on the couch.

Hiro set the phone on the table as he stood, and the singer cracked an eye at him. He shrugged, emptying his pockets onto the table: keys, wallet and change. Crouching, he got comfortable on the floor beside the couch where the singer lay. Leaning over sideways, he set his elbow by Shu's hip and propped his chin up on his palm.

He asked softly, a little worried, "Will you hate me for pushing you into this?"

"Not really." Shuichi said, covering his eyes with a forearm. "At least it's you. I know I can talk to you."

Hiro reached over and stroked from Shu's forehead and over his hair, smoothing the strands back. He repeated the petting, knowing it calmed his best friend. He simply waited, trying to ignore the tears on Shu's face.

"I'm sorry," the moppet murmured.

Puzzled, Hiro asked, "For what?"

"For making you wait. It's been a half a year…"

The guitarist shrugged, "It's alright, Shu. I'm the one who should be apologising when I'm the one pushing you to talk about this before you're ready."

"I love you, Hiro."

Turning his back, the guitarist leaned back against the couch, letting his head fall back onto the seat behind him. He replied, smiling, "Love you, too, buddy."

"I feel like I'm in a therapy session," Shuichi said, the nearest hand reaching to tangle in and play with Hiro's loose hair. "Lying back like this, except it's you."

Hiro waited, knowing the off-hand words would come until Shuichi felt as ready as he would be to finally say what he could.

"With you, I know I can say anything and whatever your reaction, I know you'll never leave me." Shuichi sighed, rolling a lock of red hair around his fingertips. "Sure you can get mad, but you always come back. But now… on one hand, I want to keep things the way they are, because I don't want you to be mad with me. But at the same time, I want to tell you…"

"I promise, Shuichi," Hiro said, finding the familiarity of Shuichi's fiddling comforting. He shut his eyes. "I promise I won't step away even if I get mad."

"You too, huh?"

"Hmm?" he cracked open one eye.

"Never mind." Shu shifted, hiking up to glance down at him. He smiled, "You look like a cat, contentedly letting me pet you."

"You're the kitty," Hiro corrected shutting his eye with a chuckle. He felt Shuichi lie back down. "You're the one who curls up and makes those funny noises. You're the one who cosplays, besides. And don't say petting…"

There was a knock on the door and Hiro pushed Shuichi back down, indicating he would get the door. He bounded to his feet and crossed the room quickly. He accepted the tea trolley and signed for it, tipping the delivery boy with a bill from the table. Setting the tray down on the coffee table, Hiro poured them each a serving, mixing in the dressings to Shu's liking.

Shuichi ignored the tea and remained lying down. He said, "K."

"Eh?"

"He's been telling me about how I've been worrying you all. You, Suguru and Mika, he talks to you sometimes, gathers 'intelligence' then comes and tells me what's going on."

"So he's the spy," Hiro muttered. As clean as Shuichi was coming, he was prepared to own up to everything they'd been up to. He re-took his place by the couch, tilting his head back as he had earlier, lifting the mass of his hair up over onto the couch for Shu to toy with.

"He's just worried about me," the singer defended. "Don't be mad at him, he's working really hard. He takes time out for me, despite all the work preparing for the merger."

"Merger?"

Shuichi took a deep breath, a soft shudder running through him. Through his hair, Hiro felt the singer's fingers tense up.

"Is this the part where I'm going to get angry?"

"Yeah," Shu said. "Just don't yell, okay?"

Hiro braced himself. "Okay."

Taking a shaky breath, Shuichi said slowly, "There is a possibility that I will be leaving…" Taking another deep breath, he finished, "Leaving Bad Luck."

Hiro froze.

"That is mostly what I have been hiding." He giggled, a touch of hysteria in the sound, "The root of half my worries."

"Shuichi…"

"It used to be," Shu interrupted, forging ahead, and the guitarist shut up. "When I was on stage, I could bare my heart. Singing was freeing, like telling the whole world about all my happiness… and even my worries. It felt like they not only listened, they sympathised. They cared."

The guitarist gulped, a pain he couldn't fathom racing through his heart. Shuichi's announcement had made him sad, worried and angry all at once, but he clamped down on the emotions. His best friend sounded so… defeated.

"But with everything that has been happening and everything that I have been feeling…"

"It hurts to bare your heart," Hiro finished, understanding. He itched to ask what he meant by 'merger' now and how it was related, but kept it in to let Shu talk at his own pace.

"Tohma…" Shuichi paused, as though gathering his thoughts, "Tohma worried the most about me. You know how this will affect a lot of people, the band most of all." He swallowed, "And Eiri."

Hiro took his own shaky breath, a hand coming up to massage his forehead. One of Shu's small hands covered his and he relinquished the massage to his best friend.

"I tried to keep to other people," Shuichi continued, "Didn't want to talk to anyone about it, not those who knew me. Not… you."

Nodding, Hiro reached up again and squeezed the singer's wrist in reassurance.

"Like Tasuki… he wanted to see his dad's homeland; He didn't know who I was until I told him."

Hiro sighed, understanding, "He accepted you."

There was a hint of a smile in Shu's voice when he said, "Brand spanking new he accepted me; it was great! He doesn't know about my past nor has he tried to find out. Just took me as I am, he even refuses to read into my past so that he can appreciate me as I am. I tried to tell him about the tabloid crap and he just laughed."

A thought occurred to him and he asked softly, "Do you love him?"

There was a short shocked silence before Shuichi exclaimed, "No! He really is just a friend!" the singer sighed, "We just hang out. You won't believe how people don't recognise me when I am with him, his flame red hair and me with the rinse out stuff. We're just two dyed-hair boys when we hang out, and somehow no one recognises me. No one has been able to do that for me before, give me real anonymity. He just treats me like a normal guy."

"Does he know about you and… Yuki-san?"

"Kind of hard to miss," Shuichi muttered, "He listens to me talk about Eiri."

"What do you tell him?"

"Lots of things…"

Patiently, Hiro bit his tongue. He had so many questions but he also recognised now was not the time to ask any of them.

"I told him about you, too," the singer admitted softly. "I told him about how you took care of me, got me through school. Got me past the teachers and bullies… arranged my dates, even." They shared a chuckle. "You practically raised me, got me out into the world. Even now, with the band, we're still together and you're still taking care of me."

At the touch of hardness in Shuichi's voice, Hiro understood. "I didn't mean to—"

"I know," Shu interrupted, his tone gentle. "You've always done this, kept me safe. And then I met Eiri…"

"I couldn't keep you safe, then," the guitarist heard his voice break. The memories rushed him, he felt so responsible. Shuichi's hand went from massaging his forehead to covering his eyes. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. "I wanted to… I wanted to…"

"I know."

"And Yuki-san..!"

"Shh…" Shuichi murmured soothingly, lightly smoothing away the escaping moisture before they could stain Hiro's cheeks. "It's all okay. I'm safe."

"I'm sorry," Hiro whispered. "I should have gone with you that night…"

Shuichi rolled over, curling around the top the guitarist's head, both hands smoothing over Hiro's face and hair. When he calmed down, he chuckled a little at himself. All the emotion was giving him a headache. He apologised, and he and Shu lay quietly for a while.

"He's the other half of my worries."

Hiro snorted.

"I listen to piano concertos now," Shuichi said softly, thoughtfully, continuing. "Eiri loves them. They don't have lyrics, so they don't mess with his writing. Sometimes he listens to it when he's working. He has CDs of it in his car. He even listens to it when he's sick."

Hiro sat quietly, letting his best friend's hands smooth his anxiety away.

"I listen to it a lot now," Shu said, "and I can almost sense him with me."

Hiro quirked a brow, a small smile tugging at his lips, remembering how puzzled he'd been when he'd caught Shu listening to Bach. "Well that explains that."

"Yeah. It puts me to sleep mostly though." The singer huffed, "I love reading now because knowing an author makes me appreciate perspective. I love nice and polished formal clothes but rarely wear them."

"You wore a handsome outfit to that dinner at the Producers' Ball a few weeks ago and that suit to the launch party…"

"I do like that suit," Shuichi told him. "Every time I do any of those things, listen to that music, read a book or wear formal clothes, I think of Eiri." He admitted, "I think about him all the time, always have since I met him. I even think about how I can never compete with his looks."

Hiro smiled a little, recognising the symptoms of an incurable infection called love.

The singer continued, "He's so much a part of me, he's even become part of my family. They like him a lot."

Rolling his eyes, the guitarist snorted rudely and received a small swat over his head for it.

"But I think they see a lot of why I love him, especially my mom."

Hiro smiled, "Your mom?"

"Yep. Maiko told me that she spoke to a friend about us; she called us 'her boys'. That made my day."

Feeling Shuichi's hands in his hair shake a little, Hiro reached up with one hand and held the singer's little hand in his, stroking his thumb across the skin reassuringly.

"You know how much I… felt for him. And after what happened, I thought… I felt dead," Shuichi murmured, curling up a little tighter on the couch behind Hiro's head. "I thought he didn't want me anymore. It felt like my heart was torn out and crushed."

The singer's voice shook and Hiro gave the moppet's hand a reassuring squeeze.

"And you were there again, kept me alive, you, Suguru and K." Shuichi pressed a kiss to the top of Hiro's head. "You guys have no idea how much that meant… how much that means to me."

Pulling Shuichi's hand down past his shoulder and close to his face, Hiro tilted his head and pressed a kiss into the ridiculously small palm.

"Eiri…" Shuichi paused to take a steadying breath, "Mika told me that he really went into rehab and that he sees a therapist. Those are things I would never have expected him to do. But he did."

"He's trying," Hiro found himself saying, "He wants… to be worthy of you."

"I'm still amazed," the singer admitted, "How can I not love him for making those changes? For me."

Hiro paused at those words. Shuichi had not said he loved the writer in along while and it seemed a little strange to his ears. Especially since there seemed to be a tone of defeat, instead of happiness, in the words. "Maybe if you give Yuki-san some time, give your heart some time, you could sing again. Do you really need to quit because of this?"

Shuichi shook his head, not wanting to answer, and closed his eyes.

Gently, Hiro continued, "You still care for him, and things are working out bit by bit. Why are you keeping him away from you?"

Shuichi replied enigmatically, "I need to keep him safe."

Confused, Hiro murmured, "Shuichi?"

"He should move on. Maybe not now, but he will."

"I don't understand, Shu." The guitarist's brows furrowed. "And what if he cannot move on?"

"I can't help him."

Hiro frowned, worriedly, "But you two, you're kind of back together now right?"

Shuichi curled up a little more. "No, we're not."

"Shu?"

"It's complicated. And I don't want to talk about it." The singer sighed, "I know it sounds stupid, I'm stupid. I love him but I can't go back to him."

Hiro turned to look at Shu's face, saying, "I don't understand—"

"And you don't have to!" boomed an accented voice from the doorway. Shuichi and Hiro looked up to see K, stance strong, hands on his hips commandingly. He gave the singer a hard look and announced, "Get up, you're coming with me; Doctor's appointment."

Shuichi squeezed Hiro's hand before obediently rising and heading for the door, leaving a very confused guitarist in his wake. K fired Hiro a grinning glance before shutting the door behind them.

With a sigh, the guitarist reached over and picked up his open phone, bringing it directly to his ear. He asked, "Well?"

Yuki-san, in a voice hoarse with tears, said, "Thank you, Nakano-san."

--

Author Notes:

Da-da da-dum... the circle is tightening around Shuichi. I'm glad things are coming out into the open, which means this story is nearly finished. I can finally end the torment on these characters; I'm really looking forward to that. The next chapter is almost ready, actually, the next update won't take too long.

With the way things in the story are looking now, there are just a few more concerts to go, including the final tour-ending concert in Tokyo. After that is Shuichi's birthday. I am aiming to finish it for the week after Shu's birthday, actually, just to set myself a deadline. Still working on scene-set, though, so the final chapters are taking a while... sigh might not make it, after all.

In any case:

Many thanks to LLPeepz13 and Silverblue-Sakura for their recent input into this story. BIG thank you also to: RikuBelongsToTheDark, patpat, Aryna.Tahashi, Jersey Thursday, islandeyes, cocoke5, my darling beta Vindalootoo, T.O.C.A., Kamikaze-Sakru and MirwenAnareth. Without your reviews, I would not have smiled as often as I have done recently. Thank you for your support and kind words. Many thanks also go to my readers for the 15,400 hits you've logged up on my stats page.

That put a big smile on my face too.

--