Chapter 21

I thought of myself as a strong person, that is I tried to be or worse I had to be when it counted. But what good was that strength if I couldn't call on it when I needed it?

Audrey took me to the nurse's office and closed the door behind us.

"Miss Glasson is not feeling very well at the moment," she told the crusty school nurse. "She needs a few minutes to compose herself."

Nurse Barnes turned her eagle-like visage at me as Audrey eased me down on a small sofa in the office. The nurse shook her head. "Well, put her there," she said with as much emotion as someone might say 'put the post on the table,' but I suspect she had seen too much drama in that small room.

So I slumped there with head in hands, not crying really, shattered really; like my nerves had been torn apart. This was all my fault – not getting pregnant, for that took two and it was unintended. No, this gap between me and Martin was my fault and at times I felt like that gap was getting as deep as the dream chasm that that swallowed me once upon a time. *

I could have stayed in touch – called him once a month, but I hadn't planned on it. It would have hurt me too much – in fact it never quit hurting.

I still wanted Martin – but on my terms – I wanted him to change; to be nice, smoother, more, well… reasonable. But that would have not been fair and I had no right to force it or even to expect it. If he tried to change me I knew I'd fight him like a tiger; so no.

So here I was and he was… there – in Portwenn, my home.

Audrey handed me some tissues. "The kids will be off the play yard in twenty minutes," she whispered. "Can you pull yourself together by then?"

I blew my nose loudly. "Have to." Real life was always on a bloody timetable.

"Are you sick?" Nurse asked. "Need a basin? Most who sit there do."

Audrey came to my rescue. "She's not sick, you stupid cow! But she is very upset."

Nurse pushed Audrey away and knelt down so she could look at my weepy face. "Mrs. Pickles get outta my space and I'll take care of her. Now!"

Audrey patted my shoulder my shoulder and left.

Nurse gave me another tissue. "Now… what's this about?"

"I'm pregnant…"

"Can see that girl. Not blind."

"And…"

"And? You're upset about it?"

"No."

When dad came home and read mum's note he went outside for a while and smoked a cigarette. I was cowering inside teary-eyed, wondering what was going to happen. How could mum leave? And who was Javier? After a few minutes dad came back inside and washed his face at the sink then dried himself. He took out a skillet, opened a can of beans and poured them into the pan after the cooker had been coaxed to life. "Set the table Louisa and make toast."

"But dad, what about mum?"

He smiled a crooked smile. "We'll eat then we'll talk." He barely seemed upset she was gone.

So in a bit we ate beans on toast and I drank a glass of milk and dad had a cup of reheated coffee. After we did the washing up which took less than two minutes, he sat me down at table. "Louisa, here's the thing… mum has… gone… away… for a while," he said, his voice cracking.

"Will mum come back?" I asked but I sensed his answer.

"Don't know."

"But why? Dad why?" And that's when I started to cry.

Dad sighed then looked at the ceiling, but he shook himself, and handed me his handkerchief. "Dry your tears my lovely girl. Crying won't fix this."

But I didn't feel very lovely. "Is it… is it…"

"Just ask it Louisa."

"But where? Where's she gone?"

"Oh somewhere warm I suspect. She always said the winter wind cut to her bones."

"Dad?"

He was running his finger around in circles on the table. "Hmm?"

"Who's Javier?"

"A man." The way he said it told me that if this Javier person was here Dad would fight him. Dad was short but strong.

"Oh?" It hit me then. "And mum…" I had to take a deep breath. "She's with him? Now?"

He gazed at me for a long time. "The way of the world dear girl."

"But go get her! Bring her back!"

He laughed long and hard. "Oh Louisa, if I dragged her back kicking and screaming, what good would that do? I'd have to tie her up to keep her here now."

I stood up and glared at him. "But dad! You're married! You and mum…" I gulped. "But dad!"

He stood up and hugged me tightly. "She don't want me, Louisa… she wants." He stopped and after a long wait went on. "Remember your granny had that little bird?"

I remembered a little goldfinch the size of my tiny hand. "Yeah. It flew away. She left the door open."

He nodded and I felt the bristles on his face catch in my hair. "Mum's a bird Louisa… and she hates cages."

So we were a cage for mum? I was only eleven but that made sense to me. I knew she had been unhappy for a long time. "So… is it because of us?"

That made dad laugh long and hard. "Little bit. Eleanor hates being responsible." He held me away and he grinned. "Me and you though – we're different. We're the sort that want, no need, things to be sorted; ordered." He looked around our messy kitchen and squared his shoulders. "You done your homework?"

"Did a lot in school. Just some reading later. Bedtime."

He smiled in just a certain way and I always remember that smile when things got hard. He peered around the kitchen. "Now, Louisa, let's get this tip squared away."

Get the tip squared away… that was it. I was in the tip and I didn't know how to clear it away.

Nurse Barnes handed me another tissue and stayed squatting down at my feet. "Mrs. Pickles mentioned you got a man down in Cornwall."

"No. He's not mine. And just for your information I am NOT upset that I am pregnant. I chose to have my baby. But, I will say, uhm that I left him and then I came up to London."

Came to London, Louisa? No, more like ran away. Bloody hell just like mum. Had Portwenn turned into a cage and Martin my jailer?

She sniffed. "Heard you were engaged to this bloke."

"Yeah… and…" I grinned. "You can see we… uhm…" my hand went to my bump. "This was not planned."

"Right." She moved back to her chair.

I wiped at my eyes. "I was trying to call him."

"And he snubbed you? Bastard."

He snubbed me? Quite the opposite. "Something like that."

Nurse went to the sink and gave me a damp washcloth. "Just lean back, put this on your forehead and rest. Right? Give it ten minutes and you'll feel like a new woman."

A new woman? I rather liked the old one. But this new version of Louisa Glasson took some getting used to. It was more than an exploding belly, sore baps, aching back, and an ever full bladder. Something was coming my way, being not just a utero-mum, but a mum in truth with another human being depending on me for everything.

In some ways that scared me a lot more than being afraid to talk to Martin.

But I did choose to have this baby and I was still trying to convince myself that I could be happy keeping it from Martin. So perhaps that was why I broke down crying?

I had to be strong - had to be...

Notes:

Tip – a garbage dump; a place where garbage and refuse is disposed of

* - At the beginning of Series 2, Louisa dreamed that an outing picnic with Martin was ruined by an earthquake. In that dream he saved her from plummeting into a huge chasm.