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Chapter 21—First Date

Buffy had spent much of her Thursday pulling teeth to get Xander to tell her what was wrong. It took six hours of needling just to get him to finally tell her the story of Giles and Anya's kiss. Of course, once he did tell her, she understood why he would want to block it out. It was just so icky.

On Friday, she was ready for him. She fabricated a need to do research in the facility's basement. And even then, he managed to seem engrossed in the texts. That was how Buffy knew there was something on his mind; Xander never got engrossed in the texts. When the afternoon rolled around and the youngest Slayers got out of school, Spike went upstairs to give them real life vampire practice. As soon as he was gone, Buffy slid closer to Xander. "So..., what's going on?"

He patted the book he was reading. "Just researching Chinese water demons."

"Yeah." Buffy took the book away from him. "What else is going on? How's Anya?"

"She's... fine." When Buffy neither said anything nor gave him the research back, he elaborated. "The same. She's the same. And she's off working on that with Giles. So I'm sure she's fine."

She was not going to let it go so easily. "So you don't have anything you want to talk about? Nothing at all?" She was just going to keep pushing until she found the nerve. "It doesn't bother you that she's out with him and not you?"

"No, Giles is obviously better at that stuff. She should be with him." He reached for his book again, but Buffy kept it away from him. He sighed and sat back. "If this is you worrying about me because of the kiss, I'm not jealous of Giles. It didn't mean anything; they weren't in their right minds. We've all done things under spells that we'd rather forget. Things are fine between me and Anya." He paused, and then he casually added, "In fact, we're going out tonight."

Now they were getting somewhere. "Going out? Like going out? Like a date?"

"No, like dinner." He shook his head a little bit. "Technically, it's kind of like a date, but it's just to help her remember. It's not—It doesn't mean anything."

He could play it down all he wanted. Buffy could see what was going on in his head. "To help her remember you." She tossed the book back onto the stack at the far end of the table. "This is really good. You're living together; you're dating."

"We're not dating." He gestured emphatically with his hands to make his point. "She was very clear about what this is. It's just a memory thing, and I'm happy to help her with that, but that's all it is."

"Okay." Now that Buffy knew what was going on with him, she could stop pushing him. She understood why he needed to make light of the whole date thing. He couldn't afford to get his hopes up. "Still, it's good for her to remember."

Xander murmured a non-committal assent. Then, after a beat, he said, "But she only remembers the bad things I did. And a lot of them weren't even my fault, but I can't tell her that because we agreed to let her remember on her own. She thinks I was going to let you kill her. And she thinks a lot of other things that are just wrong, and that's all this dinner is going to end up bringing back, complicated situations completely out of context."

"You don't know that." Then Buffy realized that he might kind of know it because of the vengeance thing. So she switched tacks to meaningless platitudes. "Everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to."

"Yeah, because that's what usually happens," he said sarcastically.

Buffy did not like this. Xander was not supposed to be all doom and gloomy. He was supposed to be the one making inappropriate jokes no matter how hopeless a situation seemed. Now she needed to convince him that things working out was what usually happened. "Take me for example. I was supposed to die ten years ago."

"You did die ten years ago."

She had meant it in the general short Slayer life expectancy way, but he was proving her point even better. "Yeah, and that all worked out. Because you saved me." She nudged his shoulder with her own. "So have faith. You're one of the good guys; the universe is going to take care of you."

He was not impressed by her argument. "Well, you know what they say, lucky in demon fighting, unlucky in love. I mean, this is the second time a woman has felt the need to take vengeance on me. Maybe I should take the hint."

Buffy took a second to think about that. "The first time around, you managed to wriggle out of it completely unscathed and get the vengeance demon in question to fall in love with you. You'll make it work this time too."

She knew that she should not be encouraging him to be too optimistic, because that could lead to heartache, but she really wanted to make him feel better, and she could not stop herself from talking. Luckily, her phone rang, and Buffy welcomed the distraction. She checked the display. It was Giles, but she decided not to tell Xander that because she did not want him to worry unless there was a reason to. She stepped away from the table to take the call. "Hey, how's everything going there?"

Buffy was surprised to hear Anya's voice on the other end. "Fine. I know that it's strange for me to be calling you after the whole you trying to kill me thing, but I need your help."

That she was fine and that she needed help from a Slayer seemed to be contradictory. "Help with what? Are you sure you're okay/"

"Yeah, it's just..." Buffy waited patiently for Anya to spit it out. "I have a date tonight, and I don't have anything to wear. I need to borrow better clothes."

Buffy let out a sigh of relief. That was good news on two fronts. One, no one was in mortal danger, and two, Anya considered this dinner a date. "Yeah, I can help you with that. When can you get to the apartment?"

She heard Anya ask Giles. "About ten minutes."

"See you then." Buffy hung up the phone and walked back to the table, where Xander was resuming the unnecessary research. "I have to go. That was Anya; she said needs help getting ready for her date." With that, Buffy headed for the stairs.

Xander pushed quickly away from the desk to follow her up to the main level. "Wait, and she wants your help with that?"

For a second Buffy was a little offended, but then she realized what he meant. "Yeah, despite the fact that I tried to kill her. I guess it must be really important to her that she make a good impression on her date." She knew that she should stop teasing him. "I'll let you know if she says anything you need to know."

Since all she had to do was cross the street, Buffy got to her apartment a few minutes ahead of the others. As soon as Giles got Anya safely upstairs, he left for less girly pastures. Buffy was not sure what she should say about the attempted slaying all those years before, but she was pretty sure the air needed to be cleared in some form. "So about me trying to kill you that one time, it wasn't really anything personal. It's just that it's my job, and you weren't—"

Anya held up her hand to stop Buffy. She grew all pensive, like she was remembering something. "It's your job because I was a demon. Obviously because of the thing with the sword. But then when did..." She trailed off. "I'm still so confused about everything that happened with you and Xander and everyone. With the demon stuff, the order doesn't much matter because it was all pretty much the same, but it matters with you. It matters when Xander did things. That's why this date is so important."

"Right." Since Anya did not seem to be looking for any kind of explanation, Buffy decided to leave it at that. "So clothes."

Anya headed into Buffy's room and straight for the closet. "I need something appropriate for a date, but that also covers up this whole area." She waved her hand over her chest. "There's still a lot of scarring. Something with a high neck that won't make me look like a nun." She turned to look at Buffy. "Did he say anything about it? Like what we're doing? Because that might help me decide on an outfit."

Buffy thought about what Xander said in his efforts to minimize the date and tried to think of what she should tell Anya. "He mentioned the date, but all he really said was that you guys were going to dinner."

"Dinner, okay." Anya stared into the closet, thinking. "It'll probably be kind of a nice place. Although I did say nothing fancy." She whipped back around. "He knows this is a real date though, right? It's not going to help me remember anything if we don't do it right."

Buffy came over to stand next to Anya. "Yeah, I'm sure he's taking this seriously."

"Good." She looked back at the closet for a second before a new concern distracted her from clothes. "But not too seriously? I mean, it's a date, but it's not—" She sighed. "He said he would marry me."

Buffy was not really sure where she was going with that. "And you're upset that he didn't?"

"No." Anya shook her head. "He said it two days ago. He told me that if I said I still wanted to marry him, he would take me to Vegas."

Buffy thought Xander had been playing it a little bit cooler than that, but she kind of admired him for putting it out there if that was what he really felt. She blew out her breath. "I don't think I have an outfit for that."

Anya sat on the bed. "Maybe this was a bad idea. It's just after the whole Giles thing—Do you know about the Giles thing?" Buffy nodded, because she knew as much about it as she ever wanted to. Anya continued, "After that, I decided that I needed to put more effort into remembering what happened with Xander. And I want to remember, but I don't want to lead him on or anything."

"Well, I don't know what Xander's saying to you in private, but I think he's got a pretty good handle on what this date is. And honestly, all he cares about right now is making you better." Buffy pulled out a shirt/skirt combo. "Here, try this on."

Anya passively took the clothes and laid them next to her on the bed. "So you don't think this is a bad idea?" At first, she was asking a legitimate question, but then she realized who she was talking to. "Of course you don't."

By this point, it was pretty obvious to all parties that Xander was one of Buffy's closest friends and that forced to choose sides, it was always going to be him. Still, Buffy wanted Anya to think of her as a friend. "I think that if this will help you, that's what he wants. And if he gets hurt in process?" Buffy shrugged. "He'll bounce back. I've seen him do it many times."

Anya fiddled with the hanger beside her. "How many times?"

Buffy had been trying to be reassuring and take the pressure off, and somehow she inadvertently triggered Anya's jealousy center. When she reflected on it, jealousy was probably a good sign. "Not... that many. A few." She backed herself up to the doorway. "I'll just give you some privacy," she said before closing the door.

It took five shirts and three skirts for Anya to find an outfit she liked. When that was settled, she took a shower to wash the park off of her, which gave Buffy an opportunity to call Xander.

He picked up after the first ring, which made Buffy think that he must have been waiting for her call. She cut straight to the chase. "Okay, here's what I found out. She wants you to take this seriously and think of it as a real date. Because that's the only way it'll help her remember."

She could almost hear him nodding on the other end. "Okay."

There was really only one other thing she thought Xander should know. "Beyond that, she's just worried about the same things every girl is worried about before a first date. Is it going to go well, and is he going to expect too much?"

He took the wrong message from that. "I don't expect anything."

"I'm just saying that, despite your history, you need to treat this more like a first date. Like you've never seen her naked." Buffy heard the water shut off. "She's getting out of the shower, so I should wrap this up. What time are you going to pick her up?"

There was a pause. "Around eight. I'm picking her up there?"

"Yeah." Buffy had meant to tell him about that. "Oh, yeah, because I have all the girly things she needs, so it works better if she just gets ready here where she can exfoliate and do all kinds of things you don't want to know about. And you can do whatever it is that guys do to get ready. And we will see you around eight." Buffy did a quick mental check to make sure that she'd told him everything, and then she hung up on Xander.

–

The closer it got to eight, the more anticipation Anya felt. Once she was dressed, made up, and coiffed, there was nothing to do but wait. It was a terrible feeling. Just waiting. Buffy kept telling her to sit down. "I can't. Because the second I sit down, he'll be at the door and I'll have to get up again." Buffy just laughed at her.

Xander eventually showed up of course. The clock in Buffy's living room said 8:03 when the knock finally came. Anya took a deep breath and counted to five before going to answer the door. This also made Buffy laugh, but Anya ignored her.

His reaction to seeing her was gratifying. The way his eye took in her tight shirt and short skirt made all the prep time and waiting seem worth it. "You look great," he said.

"Thank you. You look..." She did not know what to say because he pretty much looked the same. "Nicer."

It must have been an okay thing to say because Xander smiled. "Well, we should get going." He looked behind her and waved. "Bye, Buffy."

This date was Anya's idea, but as she left the apartment with him, she realized that she did not really know much about dating. She remembered her life with Olaf pretty well, but back then "dating" was different. She sold him furs a few times, watched him drink ale at the bar, and then he made an arrangement with her father. Things were much simpler when she was young. And then, of course, she remembered a thousand years of horror stories about love gone wrong, but that did not really tell her anything that would help in this situation.

Xander opened the car door for her, which was nice. He didn't usually do that. Not since she came back anyway. Then he got into the driver's side, and they were off into the city part of San Diego. "So," he said. "It's looks like you and Buffy worked some things out."

Actually, over the few hours they spent together, Anya had managed not think much about that memory of the large house and the sword through her chest. "Well, I'm still not completely okay with the whole killing thing, but I guess Buffy nice enough now. I'm sure she had a compelling reason for it."

"Are you going to want to move back there?"

He said it casually enough, but Anya could tell that it was not what he wanted, which was a relief because it was not what she wanted either. "Not that compelling. I'm good with the way things are now. Especially since at your place I get to sleep in a bed."

The sun had just finished going down, so that it was dim but not yet completely dark, and Anya could make out her relief mirrored on Xander's face. The momentary solace Anya got from knowing they were on the same page gave way to the old concerns about Xander's feelings for her. She was still having trouble feeling anything back. But that was what this date was supposed to fix.

After that, the conversation lulled, and they got to the restaurant in an uneasy silence. It was small, cozy, and a little intimate, but not too fancy. Xander had a reservation, and he guided her to the table with his hand on the small of her back. It was all very nice, but it was not evoking any feelings for Anya. When they were seated, she tried to relax and let this be a real date. "So, people usually talk to each other on dates, right?"

"Yeah." Xander thought about that. "Although it does pose a little bit of a problem that you don't remember much about your life and I can't talk about mine."

Anya did remember things. In fact, she remembered quite a bit about being a demon, but she imagined Xander did not want to hear about that. "You can talk about things from before you met me."

"Right, like the time I cheated on Cordelia with Willow. I'm really keen to tell you all about that." He seemed to realize that sarcasm was not the right way to go there. He cleared his throat. "Sorry."

Actually, Anya did want to hear how that all happened, but she decided not to ask outright. "Well, we can either talk about your infidelity or I can tell you tales of the infidelity of other men. It's up to you."

"I choose talking about the failings of other men." He sighed. "There's no real story there. It was just one of those things, you know?"

She really did not. "No."

Xander nodded. Then something flashed across his face, and he leaned across the table. "Cordelia was a high school thing that was never meant to last, and I know what I did to her was wrong. But, Anya, I never cheated on you."

On the one hand, he looked so sincere and concerned that she wanted to believe him. But on the other hand, she did not want to implicitly believe anything from him. "What about Erica?"

She was asking if he ever cheated on Erica, but he completely misconstrued the question. "Oh, um,... I mean there were other women after you..." He looked around. "While you were gone. But I don't think that really counts as—"

This reminded Anya of something Buffy said earlier that day, and she forgot about her original question. "How many other women?"

His eye went wide, realizing that he had brought up a whole new conversation he did not want to have. "No. No, it wasn't like a lot. Two, just two."

"Xander, relax. I don't care." She said that intending to mean it, but it did occur to her that this was the second time she had pressed for those details just in the last few hours.

"Okay." He seemed glad to hear that. "Well, if we could get off the topic of infidelity, there was something I wanted to talk to you about. I don't really know if it's appropriate conversation fodder for a date, but I wanted to make sure that you knew that you have options."

She did not know what he meant by that. "Options for what?"

"For after you're better." He put his hand to his chest to indicate self. "I really enjoy having you here in San Diego, and I am definitely not trying to tell you to leave, but there are other places you could go and still be part of our organization. For example, you could go to England with Giles. Or Italy with Andrew. You still like Andrew, right?"

Anya had not really thought about him much, but she did not remember anything yet to change how she felt about Andrew. "Yeah, I guess. He's a little strange, but I guess he's relatively harmless."

"Yeah, or if you want to stay in the States, we have a pretty strong presence in L.A, which isn't that far. Or there's the doctor's squad in Atlanta. Or Faith is in Cleveland." He stopped to think of other places she could go.

This was the first time Anya had heard that name, Faith, but it conjured something. "Why would I want to be with Faith?" she asked slowly, as she tried to figure out what she was feeling. "She... She had you first." There it was. "You lost your virginity to her."

Xander shushed her. "Maybe not so loud. And I thought you didn't..." He let that go unfinished. "Okay, not Cleveland then."

Anya picked up her menu. "I think San Diego's okay for a while." In order to stall any more conversation, she raised the menu up so that it was hiding her face from him.

From there, the dinner went just okay. They had trouble finding things to talk about. There was awkwardness to him being so much more experienced at this than she was, and throughout the meal, Anya could not stop thinking about Faith. Slowly, she began to recall specifics about Sunnydale's trampiest Slayer. Those were not really the kind of memories she had hoped this date would evoke, but they were something new.

By the time the check came, Anya had decided where this date was going to end, in same place a typical date night would end for them back when there were together. Once it occurred to her, she knew that had to be part of her concept of doing the date right. It was time to get serious about remembering her life in Sunnydale. She just needed a little more time to get used to the idea. "What else would we normally do?"

Xander shrugged as he slid his credit card into the holder. "Go to The Bronze."

She was glad he had an answer. "Then we should do that."

–

The Bronze obviously was not an option anymore, but Xander knew of a club that was pretty similar. As an added bonus, he knew they had a lax carding policy, as he had busted many an underage Slayer there. This fact was convenient for once, since Anya did not have any identification.

Xander was having trouble figuring out what was going on in Anya's head. Other than that one thing about Faith, she had not indicated that the date was helping her to remember anything. He figured that was probably the reason she wanted to extend the date, because she was still holding out hope that this would work.

After about forty-five minutes and half a beer, Anya had taken to sitting at a table with a melancholy expression on her face. Xander asked her what was wrong.

She shook her head. "I'm just tired."

It was barely after ten, but she had been going to bed pretty early recently. "Oh, do you want to go back to my apartment?"

Anya looked at him with lifeless eyes and sighed. "No, I mean that I'm tired of not being who you want me to be. I see the way you look at me, Xander. And it's exhausting not living up to it."

Xander looked around. They were in pretty a crowded corner of the club, and he did not want to talk about this with so many people around. "I really think it would be better to have this conversation at the apartment."

He took her arm, but she resisted a little. A young, attractive man who probably in his early twenties stepped in to intervene. "The lady said she didn't want to go with you."

Xander wanted to ask this guy if he was serious. If he'd been listening to the conversation enough to hear her say that, then clearly he would know there was a whole complicated relationship thing going on here. Xander let go of her arm to avoid an escalating incident. "Anya?"

She looked between the two men, and it seemed that she did not know what to do. She put her hands to her head as though it was all too much for her. Xander tried to think of what he could say in front of people to make it better for her without suggesting leaving. "I'm sorry if you feel like I'm putting pressure on you. But you were the one who wanted to go out tonight."

That definitely did not make things better, except that her lifeless eyes now had a little fire in them. "Right, me, I'm always the one. I was the one who didn't want to keep seeing each other."

Xander knew exactly what she meant by that. He did not remember which fight it was, but he knew it was about him blaming her for the break-up. He also knew that her would-be protector would completely misinterpret it, and he was right.

The guy put his arm around her, leering. "Just so you know, unlike this guy, I would never want you to be anything more than what you are."

Xander rolled his eye. "That's a bold position to take since you don't even know her. I mean, I get that she's the most attractive woman here. Believe me, I get it. But reeking of desperation is not that sexy."

The guy smirked at him. "Yeah, because the wannabe Johnny Depp look is so much better. I think Anya here has made her choice. You should go before it gets embarrassing."

It was frustrating to Xander that he could not assert any kind of claim on her at this point because that would put the dreaded pressure on her, even if he was only saying it to get rid of this guy. So Xander went in an entirely different direction. "Johnny Depp didn't wear an eye patch, and there was actually a one-eyed character in that franchise. Plus, the whole pirate thing is pretty unimaginative. I'd actually really appreciate a good Col. Tigh reference. We're in a bar, he's an alcoholic; it's an easy one. Speaking of bars, I actually lost this eye in a bar fight, so you might not want to mess with me."

Anya shrugged off the other guy and rubbed her shoulder. "It was a vineyard."

She had a knack for remembering the most inconvenient details. "Close enough, with the alcohol."

"Yeah." She kept rubbing her shoulder with a far off look. Xander wondered if she was making a connection between the vineyard and the Bringers and her death. "I wasn't there. But she made a mistake. She got them killed."

The sudden loss of the upper hand left the other guy looking confused and alarmed. Xander had enough experience with this type of thing to know what to say. He addressed his comment to Anya. "I find a lot things can be easily explained if you just tell people you're from Sunnydale."

The guy stared at him for second, and then he gave a tentative laugh like he thought this was a prank. "Sunnydale is a series of urban legends, but everyone knows it wasn't actually like that." His smile almost faltered. "It couldn't have been."

Xander shrugged. He was more concerned with what he should do about Anya. "I don't want to crowd you or force you into anything, but I can't leave you here alone, not with everything that's going on. Do you want me to call Buffy?"

Anya broke out of her thoughts about the last couple weeks of her life. "What?" She shook her head. "No, I want to—I want to go the apartment." This time she took his arm and, without either of them saying any more to their new acquaintance, she dragged him through the sea of club goers and out to the street.

–

No one really said anything during the drive home. There was a strange, heavy atmosphere in the car, and Anya felt like it was choking her. She should have said something to that guy much earlier on. She was not sure why she hadn't.

When he parked the car, Xander turned to her. "I just want to say that I'm not mad at you. I mean if you wanted to go... It's just such a complicated situation, and I don't really know the best way to handle it, An... Ya, Anya."

The way he shortened her name filled Anya with a vague, empty sense of longing. Things had gotten off track at the club, but now it was time to course correct and finish this date the right way. She took off her seat belt. "I didn't want to go with him. I wanted to go home with you."

–

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Author's Note: In case it's obscure, Col. Tigh is from Battlestar Galactica, and (spoiler!) he loses an eye. And between that and an earlier Star Wars reference, I've now exhausted my sci-fi geek cred.