Fine old lady that you are, Brenda, you've always poured your optimism onto others. However, apart perhaps from Jeb, who has ever cared for your deep inside? To be honest, you were always hiding it, for it is cursed with a heavy burden. But now there's a reason that you can't put away and you must tell

A Secret that Was

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Summertime in Wilmington had passed its hottest days. The tourist activities on the shore were as good as always and Garrett had to accept that the interruption of his diving courses were if not painfully but remarkably noted in his wallet. On the other hand he had some savings due to the fact that he didn't own a boat these days. He hired out Happenstance's moorage for a three years period. His first intention was to sell it right away but his father objected much to it:

"You know how hard it is to get a ship's moorage" he said, "and then you are a born sailor, some day, there might be very well another ship for you to cruise with." Garrett thought for quite a time and answered slowly:

"Dad, I remember what you said to me not so long ago. You were right, I have to go my own way and hopefully, I will work it out soon. But you know very well what this is going to mean. Everything hereabout will not matter any more, neither the ship nor the magazine I'm running or even my job as a diving instructor which right now I'm not able to do anyway."

In his long life, Jeb had many things seen come and go. But when he was convinced of something, it took more to change his mind than just some doubts of this kind.

"And what if it still does matter in a way? Why do you think you know for sure? Have you talked to Theresa already?" Garrett denied: "No, I want to look in her eyes and tell her my decision personally. She deserves that, to say the least."

Jeb had to hide a smile on Garrett's last sentence. "Then talk to her first and see what she thinks about it. Meanwhile you can hire the moorage to someone. You won't give away anything." This made Garrett give in. "OK, that's a word. But I'm going home now. Bye, dad!" Jeb waved "Bye son; and if Brenda is still doing housework for you tell her hello for me and I'll have prepared the dinner in time."

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So Garrett returned home. It was end of August and his recovery proceeded well so far. He could not take extraordinary physical efforts yet but everyday life was no problem for him. He was as good on his own as his father. Nevertheless Brenda and Annie too, were helpful to him in any possible way. Once or twice in a week, Brenda insisted to see him and do some housework. She was really a fine lady in the best sense of the word and Garrett appreciated very much her togetherness with his father. Being a widow herself, she was the person who understood the situation of Jeb and himself probably better than anyone else.

When he stepped through the door he noticed immediately her efforts in cleaning the house. "Hello Brenda and hello from my dad. You abash me doing so much for me, it's really super, thanks a lot!"

He kissed her on the cheek when he realized that something was wrong.

Her eyes were moist and red. Obviously she had been crying and he could not remember having seen her ever doing so in his presence. He was worried "Brenda, what is it? Have I said something wrong?" She shook her head and tried to smile: "It's okay with me Garrett. It's not your fault."

But Garrett didn't let go. "No, I think it's not okay with you. Please have a seat. May I ask if a coffee would be all right for you?"

Brenda sat down: "Yes, thanks" So he prepared two cups and sat down then. "I can't help it, I have a feeling that it's got something to do with me. If this is the case, shouldn't we talk about it like two persons that I think really appreciate each other?"

Brenda looked sad indeed when she said: "I'm afraid, Garrett"

He reflected. Two times already he had to listen in a similar fashion: Once to Theresa and then, of course to Kevin. He tried to understand and both times at least it didn't lead to the worst. Softly he touched Brenda's hand. "So it is because of me. Please tell me, I promise I will listen to you."

She looked at him with bitter eyes. "Garrett, the hour before you arrived I found out something that really brought me down. It was not easy for me the last years, as you can probably imagine, but you don't know the whole story. My heart and my soul are aching but perhaps, it's better that I tell you all now, although I fear it will bring you down too and you might even turn away from me."

Suddenly Garrett felt how much Brenda was suffering this very moment. He truly knew, for he had been there. He recalled what he said to Kevin. ...you can't run away from trouble because some day they will catch up with you... so he decided to have this got over right now, whatever it may be. He looked gently into her eyes. "Take your time and tell me what it is, Brenda."

The fine old lady looked gravely indeed: "Garrett, it's about Catherine!"

His heartbeat went up but he strongly applied his rule one: ...Fight down panic... "Just go on, I listen" he spoke more calmly than he actually was. So Brenda started talking at last. "I was cleaning your living room and dusting off your images and pictures. When I took Catherine's one I noticed two dates on the back. Must I assume that the latter date...?" Her voice faded and Garrett nodded slowly "Yes, she died on Sept 19th 1993. I appreciate very much your feelings for me, thank you for this, but why does it touch you so much? You didn't know her, did you?" Brenda agreed "No I didn't. But I must tell you the story from the beginning."

She took a deep breath and collected her memories.

"Carl was my husband. He was a good and fine man, he really cared for me and for our family. We both loved our son and when Jason married Senta, we were happy, for she was a fine girl. We could expect to be grand-parents and back in 81 we were blessed with Annie. It happened seven years later as you probably know from Jeb. While we had Annie overnight, Jason and Senta were out for a weekend. They were underway with Carl's car, because their own was being serviced. While on the road, one tire had a blow-out. The car started skidding onto the left lane and was hit by an oncoming truck."

Brenda was only whispering: "They had no chance."

Garrett's voice was low: "I'm sorry Brenda, even if it was long ago, please accept my sincere condolences" She looked at him and replied: "Thank you. Your father and you too can probably imagine what this meant for us. Destiny decided to take away from us our only son and his beloved wife. Carl had never been the same since. He accused himself of being guilty because it happened with his car. He barely struggled along with his faith. I think, even with all my love and understanding, I could not help him to get over it. And then, we had to care for Annie now.

The years went by. Most of them were filled with bitter days and just when I thought we could return back to a somewhat normal everyday life, also for the sake of Annie, another tragedy happened. It was about four years ago. One evening, the police called me. Carl was involved a traffic accident in Holly Ridge. Believe me, he has never been a careless driver, but obviously he didn't concentrate for a second and although not driving fast, he collided with a pedestrian: A young woman who was badly hurt and who died thereafter. Carl was under shock." Brenda's eyes were full of tears. "Garrett, the accident was back in 93, on the 19th of September."

Garrett paled, his heart set out one beat and then pounded violently. It took him a while to fully realize what Brenda meant. He was barely able to speak "And... and you found out today... that it must have been... Catherine." Brenda bent her head. She could not talk, she could only sit there and tears were rolling all over her face.

So many thoughts and emotions raged through Garrett's mind now. Everything came up, everything but anger. He just could not be angry any more He simply wouldn't have had the strength for it.

Too much had happened the last four years. Memories arose, of his first year after Catherine's death, how barely he struggled along with his own faith, then jumping right to the present days, the memory how near death was to him only a few weeks ago. He recalled all that Theresa did in order to save him, how Brenda herself did her best to support him, and at the end he recalled his decision he took at the hospital. ...No... he strictly advised himself ...no! If I let anger take me over now, if I let Brenda down, all my new born dreams and hopes will be shattered beyond recovery and so will be those of all of us. No! In the name of Catherine who loved me then and in the name of Theresa who loves me now, I don't let go...

Garrett took both of Brenda's hands and after a while, he said as softly as his emotions allowed him: "Brenda, I will not let you down. It's an aching wound in our two souls that opened but we will go through it and make it close again. Maybe I am as sad as you are now but if I swear by my soul that I am not angry, will you believe me?"

Brenda calmed down a bit and nodded silently while Garrett continued: "If I remember correctly from what Jeb told me, weren't you hit by another stroke of fate soon thereafter? Didn't you loose your husband in late '93?" Brenda remained silent for a moment and very slowly resumed the story:

"After the accident, Carl was very calm and reticent. I attributed it to the shock. As a matter of fact, he was charged with careless driving and was ordered to appear in court. I did not turn away from him, but somehow I was no more able to reach his innermost. I remember it was a good month after the accident. He wanted to go shopping while I was doing housework. We took breakfast together and he said good-bye to me as always. But he didn't come back, neither at noon nor in the afternoon or in the evening. I called the police but they didn't know anything. I went almost crazy of despair, yet I had to control myself because of Annie. The night was horrible as was the morning thereafter. I called the police again. Still, they had no information. But the worst was yet to come. I picked up the mail and... there was a letter, addressed to me. It carried Carl's handwriting."

This was a moment when Garrett truly hated himself for drawing instantly the correct conclusion out of the present facts. As good as this virtue was when he judged Kevin's deadly danger then, it brought him all the way down right now. "Oh no! You don't need to go on! I know what you're trying to say. Brenda... I'm so sorry, I didn't know that..." She looked at him with sad eyes "Please Garrett, you said we'll go through and get over it. Will you continue listening?"

He nodded. "Yes, of course, if it helps you".

"Carl wrote where he went and that he couldn't find the strength to go on. He said he couldn't bear it any longer being guilty for the death of three good people. At the end he asked me to forgive him. They found him in a nearby forest... hanging."

Brenda had to pause. "I never told that to anybody. Not even Jeb knows it. And Annie doesn't too. I kept telling that Carl died of a heart attack. You see, I was so afraid that people would not want to deal with me being the widow of a suicide. And I'm so afraid that Jeb and you will turn away from me and Annie, even more so now that now you know who caused the loss of your beloved wife. But whatever you think that I did wrong, please Garrett how could I know that you were the one that had to suffer so terribly from Carl's tragic mistake? I only found out today. And Annie, hasn't she been punished enough?"

Garrett got the point: "I was suspecting that. You also mean, those tragic events have been too much for her, that's why she cannot show her emotions as well as others, that's why she never smiles?"

"I think so, yes, for I cannot imagine anything else. In the end she was old enough to realize what happened, at least as far as I dared to tell her.

Yet Annie has been the only sunshine in my life since. In a way, she was all I could hold on to. But I felt helpless. Half a year after Carl had gone, I could not stand it in our house any longer. I sold it and we moved to Wilmington."

Garrett agreed "I see, it was the same with me then."

Brenda turned her head as if to look far away, back in time and in memories. Now that she could speak about it, obviously for the very first time, she felt the heavy burden ease and every tear she cried seemed to wash away a little of the bitterness she had to keep secret for so long.

Slowly she continued: "It was what I think a good decision. Annie went to school here and found some acceptance, although she never got someone that could be called her best friend. Nor did ever a boy apparently show any interest in her.

As for me, the moving here helped me to get some distance. Time passed by, not too bad, just leaving me with an evenly dull and never-ending ache." In spite of all the tears in her eyes, a faint smile appeared on Brenda's lips. "One can't always give in, you certainly know that too so very well. Mainly thanks to Annie, at least I never lost hope that some day, things would change for the better. And eventually, it happened: Believe me, the true change in my life was when I met your father. And something similar must have happened to Annie when she met Kevin. In a way both of us could look forward again. After such a long time of almost despairing, we truly wanted to look forward again!

That is until now, Garrett. I had to be honest to you, even now that I'm afraid that you will turn away from me for I caused you pain and sorrow. All I can do is to ask your forgiveness. And with all respect, I would like to ask your forgiveness also in the name of Carl."

Garrett was trying to keep a clear head. Sorrow and pain, those bad feelings of the past, fought with hope and love, the feelings which he should build his future with. Suddenly a thought crossed his mind ...Garrett,... the silent voices said, ...you're still alive after all, you are not lost, you're not alone, won't you be grateful for that...? It seemed to him that not only Catherine, but also his dad and even Theresa would have spoken so. This thought made him finally see what it was all about. It was now all clear to him

He stood up and said. "Brenda, I will not turn away from you, but I'd like to show you something. Please wait, I'll be right back" He went to the bedroom and returned a few moments later with something that at first glance seemed to be a disrupted sheet of paper. He lay the pieces on the table. "Here it is. Take a look at it and tell me if you can make a sense out of it. Don't think about, just do, it's not difficult."

Brenda took a closer look now. The sheet was not disrupted but unevenly cut into six pieces. Some of them seemed to show a part of a handwriting, some others a part of an image. She concluded: "Hmm, could it be a sort of a self-made jigsaw puzzle?" Garrett smiled: "Just go on." Indeed, it wasn't meant to be difficult: A few moments later, Brenda had the puzzle rearranged. It showed a picture of a rose bouquet, drawn simply with a pencil, but it was very fine artwork. She was astonished "But I know one piece. It was stuck to your fridge before you came home. So this was Theresa then?" He nodded: "But that's not all. Look at the backside, will you?". Brenda turned the pieces around in order. And there was Theresa's dedication for Garrett, the one she put on the first of her postcard series and repeating it hereby for his coming home. A handwriting, very artful and clearly readable:

It's not over, it's only just begun
I love you my darling, I always will

Brenda was amazed: "It's so nice Garrett, but it was meant for you. What should I think about it?"

He sat down again and explained: "I'm not sure if Theresa wanted to make me think about it the way I really did, but truly it served me to the good. The last years, all the good and bad that I had, it never made a sense. It was because I was stuck in the past. I could only see the pieces and never the whole. Like Jeb was for you, it was Theresa for me that made me look forward again and by now I think I am able for the first time in my life to put the pieces together. No power and no money in the world can make those sad days undone, not for you and not for me. But I can see it all now and for the first time, I can accept my fate without bitterness. I'm sure this is what Theresa wanted me to see: My future. It's not over, it has just begun, the new love, the new dreams and hopes, and most of all, the rest of my life. Brenda, I do hope that you love my dad, don't you?"

She nodded without hesitation: "Oh Garrett, you'd see so much if you could read my mind. He's the most wonderful man, giving me so much confidence. It was truly him who made me trust in the good of life again. Yes, yes and yes again Garrett, I love him."

"And you are truly the finest woman that happened to cross his way in the last twenty-five years. So it's in this sense that I dedicate this saying to you, Brenda. We all have suffered enough. Theresa has suffered, Kevin was unhappy, as was Annie. Jeb had suffered for such a long time and after all that I know by now, you were the one that was off the worst.

You had to go through hell indeed. And Carl too, I now understand.

I really want this to come to an end. We all have a past to leave behind. It all seems to me like a picture now, a picture for the future. You and Jeb, Theresa and me and who knows, maybe even Annie and Kevin. And then we are all together. We can care for each other, we can ease each others pain so we can go on and see trustfully what tomorrow brings. Taking this chance is up to us. I do think it has only just begun.

And there's one last thing Brenda: For Carl, I honestly wish that his unhappy soul may rest in peace now."

Brenda's emotions were still sweeping her around. Tears were still in her eyes. But Garrets comforting words would find their way into her heart and soul. Now she was certain that some day, she'd overcome the agony. A warm feeling touched her heart when she couldn't do anything else than embrace him and say: "I thank you".

These three words, how often were they kindly given from one to another, but seldom were they meant more sincerely than in this very moment, when Brenda spoke them.

Only, the two cups of coffee were getting cold meanwhile.

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Hope your heart feels better now Brenda. Your three words started it and others will follow you because they too will soon see lying ahead the time of thankfulness.

To be continued.