Authors note: So….. Don't look up record for worlds longest time jump roping. I did and it totally screws with the content of this Chapter and the possibility for injury. Just go with what I am depicting here if you don't mind.
Ch. 21
There was no time for reflection or recovery now that the truth behind the Winter Soldier was made public. Starks lawyer's had spent the first two days after the T.V interview in a pissing contest with the F.B.I and the Federal prosecutor, negotiating Bucky's arrest and pretrial detainment. A secret conference was held at Avengers Tower with Mr. Stark and his legal team, Pepper Pots the CEO of Stark industries, Sergeant Barnes, Captain Rogers and a temporary Judge appointed to over see his arraignment. There was a legal battle of wills and demands for justice as well as stated concerns regarding political influence and public perception, all factors that played into the arguments presented to the Judge who looked distressed through out the many hours of arraignment, stealing glances at the Defendant with tempered fear and uncertainty..
For the most part, Bucky had remained silent and motionless through out the negotiation process except when he was asked a question directly. Steve had watched him with concern as he withdrew into himself, head down and eyes locked on the table. Bucky was all too familiar with the feeling of authoritative people talking about him but not to him, deciding his fate with out asking him for any input. Steve, Pepper and Tony had sat next to him through out the long hours of negotiation and legal jargon that was venomously argued between the private law firm and the Federal prosecutor, accompanied by his chief investigator, the director of the FBI and Agent Hill who represented S.H.E.I.L.D at the proceedings. At times, Tony or Pepper would catch Steve's eye as they cast Bucky side ways glances, worried as they watched the former Assassin and traumatized vet, his face drawn tight and eyes distant as his hands shook beneath the table.
Eventually a tenuous agreement had been made and the plead of Not Guilty by reason of Mental Impairment, was officially documented and submitted for record. After a great deal of deliberation and reassurances from Captain America and Ironman, Sergeant Barnes was remanded to the Custody of the Avengers and Stark International. The Judge and Federal prosecutor agreed to allow Sergeant Barnes to remain in their custody with the requirement that the former Assassin ware an ankle bracelet monitoring his movements to ensure he would not leave the grounds. While Bucky did not resist or voice his bitter resentment, it was obvious in his eyes as he remained perfectly still, watching an officer attached the ankle monitor. His jaw twitched and his eyes stared hard at the device as Steve rest a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
Almost a week past with each occupant of The Avenger's tower working either behind the scenes or in the public eye to prepare for Bucky's day in court only two months away. It had been announced publicly only a short time after Bucky's private arraignment by the Attorney General who assured the American people that justice would be served and that the Winter Soldier was being detained at an undisclosed facility for National security purposes. There was pressure on the Federal courts from not only the citizen's of the United States, but the entire world, who viewed the Winter Soldier as a Global Terrorist threat and an international War criminal, responsible for numerous atrocities around the world. The news and media was constantly parked outside of the Avenger's Tower as well as hordes of people protesting the Avenger's support and defense of the much hated Ex-Hydra Assassin.
Bucky was reduced to a shadow of his former self, quiet and withdrawn, speaking only when directly addressed, either staring vacantly at nothing or looking intensely off to the side, pensive eyes deep dark with dread and anxiety. He went through the routine motions of life, bathing, eating, meeting with his Therapist and working out. The doctor had expressed concern that Bucky had lapsed into a depressive episode because of the stress of the up coming trial and the hatred from the media and American Public. Despite Steve's concerns Bucky insisted on watching the news each night, leaning forward stiffly, motionlessly processing the flow of hateful propaganda and calls for justice. By the end of the week Bucky's grave site had been vandalized and his memorial at the National Museum temporarily removed. The other Avenger's tried to offer comfort and support but Bucky would simply nod with a forced smile or just stare at them with despair and self hatred before turning away, withdrawing further into himself.
At night his dreams were so violent and agonizing that he awoke in a fit of screaming covered in sweat, vomit and shivering soon to follow. He would thrash and shove Steve away then lock himself in the bathroom and beg Steve to leave him alone, pleading with a strained voice, broken and racked with sobs and wrenching. Steve was at a loss and was exhausted from almost eight months of trying to hold onto Bucky through his turbulent roller coaster of recovery. He was wearing thin emotionally and knew he was snapping at the others, constantly apologizing for loosing his temper.
Almost daily one or more of the Avenger's would be remotely interviewed by different news stations from around the world, often times finding them selves on the defense against slanderous accusations and falsehoods that had spread through social media. Bucky's Psychiatrist was interviewed frequently and as a result had also become the target for hatred and suspicion. Stark assigned him a security detail and he was relocated to a different residence when death threats began to appear and his car windows were smashed in. The stress was taking it's toll, putting everyone on edge, and Bucky knew that he was at the center of it all, painfully aware that because of him, his friends new and old were facing public disgrace.
As the days wore on, Bucky's depression worsened and Steve began physically dragging him out of bed, helping him shower and dress and then practically spoon feeding him. Bucky did not resist or protest in any way, accepting Steve's help and following his orders as if he was once more just a mindless vessel that responded only to the demands of others. Steve would shake him, beg him to snap out of it and Bucky would look at his friend with grief and pitiful sorrow, mumbling apologies as his lost eyes grew wet and he hung his head in shame. The pain at seeing Bucky so morose was worse then before when he was still just the Winter Soldier because now he was fully aware and conscious, his true self falling back into the empty void of hopeless defeat that had been Hydra's handy work. On good days, Bucky was numb to everything, coasting through the tower with a blank expression, moving as if on autopilot. On bad days, he was crippled with grief and guilt, unable to find the energy to do much of anything at all.
It was almost two and a half weeks since Bucky's recorded confession had aired and Steve had just finished his breakfast with his best friend, a process that involved Steve quietly insisting that Bucky eat, trying to use a voice that was not authoritative yet convincing. After the meal Steve suggested Bucky go to the Gym to work out and as predicted his friend responded with a single head nod and swallow, picking up his dishes and carrying them stiffly to the sink. His movements were automatic, eyes vacant and expression blank. Steve watched him with a heavy heart, reminding himself of what Sam had been explaining to him in their own counseling sessions. Bucky was coping; trying to deal with a tremendous amount of internal turmoil and external stressors that he had no control over. He had fallen back into a learned pattern, into the mindset of the Winter Soldier, with out the testosterone boosters and aggressive stimulants that induced focused violence. He was complacent and emotional withdrawn, trying his best to function with out having a complete break down.
Steve sighed as he walked with Bucky to the gym, patting him on the back as his friend again nodded, offering a forced smile that looked like more of a grimace before entering the large area. Steve turned and went down the hall, groaning as he tried to prepare himself for his sixth broadcasted interview that week, this time answering questions along side Sam and Bruce as to Bucky's current level of memory retention and how he feels about his crimes now remembered and consciously realized. He past Natasha in the hall and stopped her with a small smile.
"Off to feed the news hounds more scraps?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. He huffed and nodded then locked over his shoulder back toward the gym.
"Bucky's working out,... can you..." He trailed off and she tilted her head sympathetically squeezing his hand.
"I am actually on my way to an intel meeting with the F.B.I a few levels down,... I am handing over everything Bucky was able to remember about Hydra bases, codes, and possible double agents here and abroad." She sighed with a shrug when Steve cocked an eye brow. "It's all part of the transparency agreement that was signed at his arraignment... Lucky for us,... Director Fury has agreed to share newly acquired S.H.I.E.L.D intel as well on behalf of the defense,... guess he has a heart after all." She smirked and Steve huffed shaking his head. "Anyway Jarvis has his eyes on him,... something happens and he will let us know." She smiled reassuringly at Steve who nodded and offered a soft thank you. He watched her go and then rubbed his face, still dreading the coming onslaught of questions.
...
It was over two hours later when Steve felt his phone vibrate with a text message for the fourth time in 15 minutes. He nudged Sam with his elbow, showing him the phone discreetly; aware they were on camera live. Sam nodded and gave a slight hand signal to one of Stark's layers who stepped into the view of the Camera just as a particularly aggressive news reporter demanded for the third time in a row to speak directly with Sergeant Barne's, asking why they were keeping him hidden from the public and emphasizing that the Terrorist needed to speak for himself rather then having others defend his actions.
"I'm sorry Sir but that is all the time we have for questions today... We appreciate your commitment to the truth and your understanding at just how difficult the process of recovery can be. I assure you and the good citizens that Sergeant James Barnes will be available for questions after his trial. Thank you." With that, the video feed cut off and everyone let out an audible sigh.
"God that was tedious!" Banner groaned as he shook his head. Steve opened his phone and his eyes grew.
"Jarvis has been texting me so he wouldn't interrupt the interview... He thinks Bucky may be in physical distress!" Steve almost shouted jumping to his feet. Instantly Steve was out the door followed by Sam and Bruce.
Sir, I apologize for not speaking to you directly but I was advised against verbal disclosure pertaining to Sergeant Barnes while there are other occupants within the Tower and when there is a live video feed... Sergeant Barnes is still in the gymnasium and appears to be ignoring his body's physiological responses to over exertion of his calf muscles, specifically the Gastrocnemius and Soleus Muscles.
"What does that mean exactly?!" Steve demanded as he raced down the stairs jumping over the banister and dropping floors.
"It means he has Calf Strains, tearing of the muscle from the tendon... Put ice packs on it, I'll grab my kit!" Banner called down from above as Steve rapidly descended the flights of stairs, Sam close behind him.
As Steve bolted into the gym he slowed as he saw Natasha edging close to Bucky, watching him with concern. Steve took a few steps forward and looked Bucky up and down breathing heavily. The Sergeant was wearing tennis shoes, knee length navy blue work out shorts and a long sleeve white underarmer shirt and glove, having grown more self conscious of the metal appendage around the presence of new, unfamiliar people in the tower. He was jumping rope, an activity that seemed so normal, hopping three times on his right foot and switching to three on the left, an even rhythm back and forth as the rope whished through the air and whipped the floor in rapid succession. His eyes were locked strait ahead and his brow was knit with concentration, a determined look plastered on his face, jaw locked as he breathed harshly through his noise. His face was dripping with sweat; hair matted to his forehead and his mouth was in a grimace, eyes bright with unspoken pain.
"Bucky stop!" Steve shouted and there was no response, his friend's eyes unblinking, body continuing it's rhythm.
"Soidler, stop moving... Assume First position!" Natasha barked in a Russian shout. Bucky did not register her words or acknowledge that they were in the room with him, standing only a few feet away.
"He's in a flash back." Sam warned from behind Steve.
"We gotta snap him out of it before he hurt himself!" Steve spoke with urgency.
"Hit him!" Natasha suggested.
"What!" Steve barked with annoyance.
"If you hit him it will disrupt the pattern and might break the hallucination, If you try to grab him, he might defend himself in order to continue what he's doing." Sam spoke matter of factly and Steve swallowed before taking a few steps forward and striking Bucky with his open palm on his friends chest, sending him staggering backwards as the jump rope came down on the Captain like a whip lash. Steve hissed then looked up at Bucky who staggered for a moment looking confused, before suddenly blinking fast as if coming back to himself, looking around startled and disoriented before he let out a short cry of pain, collapsing where he stood and falling to his back grabbed at his calf muscles.
"Agggghhhhh,...Ow,...Fuck,... Christ,... Aghhhhh!" Bucky's face was contorted in pain as he pawed at his constricted muscles while Steve fell to his knees beside Natasha who was already grabbing Bucky's right leg and pulling it up as she began to kneed the tense knot of muscle along his calf. Steve followed her lead with Bucky's other leg as Sam ran to the side room and gabbed a Gatorade and some ice packs with wraps and braces. He got back just as Bruce appeared with concern etched on his face. He quickly asked Sam to put the ice packs on Bucky's calves and wrap them tightly, offering cool compression and elevation. Bucky was laying ridged on the ground, eyes squeezed tight and face locked in a grimace, grunting in pain through forced breaths, jaw locked and fists clenched, pulling on his hair.
"Easy Sarg!... We got ya!" Bruce spoke softly as he prepared a needle then injected both his thighs with the fast acting muscle relaxer. Natasha took both of Bucky's legs, now wrapped with the gel ice packs and cradled them raised in her arms as Steve lifted Bucky's sweat drench head onto his lap, wiping his hair back and running his hands through it as he, untagged Bucky's tense grip.
"Shhh,... It's okay,... just breath." Steve spoke softly as Bucky struggled to swallow down his whimpers of pain. Sam opened the Gatorade and Steve tilted Bucky's head up, supporting his head and neck with one hand, the other hand resting on his rapid heart beat. "Bucky drink this,... slow,... it's okay..." Steve reassured as Sam careful pressed the bottle of Gatorade to Bucky's parched lips. The Sergeant cracked his eyes open and through painful gasps of air he hastily drank the liquid, bringing his own hand up to hold the bottle. His entire body was shaking and the cold liquid sent a shiver through his over heated body.
Banner was using a scanner to evaluate the damage and looked up at Steve with a sigh.
"Get the shirt and glove off, his temperature is too high." Bruce stated as he continued to run the scanner along his patient's lower body. Bucky chugged the entire bottle and coughed as he finished, his arm dropping heavily. Steve pushed him to sit up and with Sam's help they pulled the sweat soaked shirt from his torso and the glove. Bucky made a mild distressed noise of complaint as the cool air struck his pale, wet skin and he shivered violently. Steve scooted closer behind him and pulled his friends bare back against his own torso, Bucky's head resting on his collar bone and shoulder. Steve wrapped him in his arms as he shivered, and Sam held his flesh hand with a reassuring grip.
"Sergeant Barnes,... Are you with us?... Do you know where you are right now?" Sam spoke with a gentle, firm voice, his concerned eyes searching Bucky's confused and pained expression. He looked around him with his half-mast eyes, then at Natasha, Bruce and Sam then down to the arms around him, rolling his head to an angel so he could pear up at Steve's face. The Captain offered a sad smile beneath worried eyes and Bucky swallowed as he closed his eyes and wiped his sweaty face with his hand before letting out a quivered sigh, eyes downcast and words mumbled.
"The gym,... Avenger's Tower." Bucky winced as he stared down at his bandaged and elevated legs. "What idiotic thing did I do this time?" He grumbled in annoyance. Steve held him tighter and thumped him on the forehead.
"Hey Bucky!" Steve chastised softly, admonishing his self-loathing tone.
"You were jumping rope and put strain on your calf muscles." Sam explained and Bucky raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"Jarvis said you have been jumping for over two hours Sergeant, switching feet on rotations of three,... even for a Super Soldier that will take a toll." Banner spoke with patient and kind eyes as he glanced at Bucky and then his scanner. "And it looks like this has happened before,...Like a lot of your muscles, there is significant scar tissue built up along your calves,... You must have previously torn the muscles completely from the tendons in both legs." Banner sighed, knowing how incredibly painful it must have felt. Bucky scrunched his face in thought with a deep frown, looking away, eyes searching the air for a memory. After only a moment his eyes grew and he swallowed with a shudder before looking down, expression dropping to a flat affect, mouth set in a hard line.
"It was conditioning wasn't it?... An Endurance Test?" The Black Widow asked calmly and Bucky met her eyes with a deflated and resigned look, nodding as he shifted, pulling away from Steve and Sam as he leaned forward and ran his hand trough his hair, eyes closed as he sighed.
"Ordered not to stop,...Just kept jumping,... felt them ripping,... like a razor slicing up my legs but..." Bucky shook his head and swallowed with a bitter smile. "Hydra said jump,... and I did... Just like a well trained mutt!" His tone was full of self-hatred and he looked off to the side, not meeting their eyes. Steve rubbed his back gently as Banner turned off his scanner.
"Well,... For a normal man this injury would take several days to heal and I'd recommend some physical therapy, but in your case... Rest, Ice and Elevation should do the trick, with some massage later on and by tomorrow you will be sore but up walking around." Banner offered with a smile trying to lighten his mood. "And since you are going to be on bed rest anyway,... If you would like, the skin grafts are ready and I could preform the plastic surgery on your neck,... remove the Hydra Brand?" Banner suggested with out pressure. Bucky looked up at him with a thoughtful gaze, jaw locked and twitching as he contemplated the offer. After another moment he looked down and nodded.
"They don't own me... Not anymore!" His voice was a harsh whisper, spoken more to himself then the others. Steve squeezed his shoulder and looked at him with concern.
"Are you sure you are up for it Buck,... it doesn't have to be today." Steve offered, hating to see his friend in pain.
"Can't move around anyhow..." Bucky gestured with frustration toward his lower legs. "Might as well get it over with,... should have done it months ago…Just… didn't want to go under the knife!" Bucky grumbled and Banner nodded at Steve with a reassuring smile.
"Okay,... But first lets get you cleaned up,... I'll be in the lab when you're ready." Banner offered and patted Bucky on his knee. Bucky swallowed and nodded. Begrudgingly, he excepted help from Steve and Sam as they supported him on their shoulders limping toward his bedroom, Natasha offering him a kiss on the cheek before he left.
...
The surgery was quick, done with high-tech lasers and the cloned skin grafts. Afterward, Bruce decided to continue keeping Bucky on a sedative drip and placed a cellular regenerator over the healing stitches to accelerate the already enhanced healing process and reduce the scaring. Bucky was unconscious, laying face down, on the medical bed and Bruce took advantage of the time to instruct Steve how to massage the muscles and tendons of his bruised, swollen calves. The Captain stood next to Bruce in silence as he kneaded Bucky's left leg and the Doctor worked on the right. After a long stretch of silence Bruce sighed and looked at Steve with a thoughtful expression.
"None of this is your fault Steve,... Or Bucky's... Your guilt compounds his own,... it's like the two of you wear the same skin and when one gets burned, the other feels the pain." Bruce spoke with a gentle but firm voice as he started again to massage the constricted muscles of Bucky's right calf.
"Yea, it's always been like that... Ever since I can remember... I just,... I hate seeing him like this,...I wish I knew how to help him deal with it,... it's like,...the more he remembers and the more he hears what their saying,... what the world thinks of him right now,...The more he believes he deserves their hatred,... Blames himself for not being able to fight back... And then I think about... " He shook his head and grimaced, closing his eyes. "I think about what The Russian's did to him,... How they..." He looked up at Bruce with grief and disgust. "It makes me feel sick inside!... I can't..." Steve sighed with frustration as he continued the massage, shaking his head with a distraught expression. Banner swallowed and looked away with a sigh then turned toward Steve, placing a hand on the Captain's shoulder, demanding his full attention.
"Steve,... I need you to hear what I am about to say,... and really listen to me..." Banner paused fixing Steve with a serious look as the Captain watched him with confusion then nodded.
"You are a mirror for him,...he tries to see himself through your eyes, someone who knows who he really was,...the man he desperately wants to be again... When he looks at us,... the other Avenger's, we see him as he is now, with pity and sympathy for the best friend of Captain America, dealing with pain and humility… When he interacts with the lawyers, he see's their fear and discomfort as they watch his every move, staring at his metal arm, a piece of his body that he hates and despises... a weapon of destruction that has caused death and pain. When he watch's the news, looks outside the windows and see's the protesters chanting Murderer,... Terrorist... All of this is the reflection of what he fears, of what Hydra forced him to become,... and he hates himself for it,...can't stand the feel of his own skin... And he will keep remembering,... keep dreaming and reliving every heinous humiliation and torture they subjected him to…. The countless innocent lives he watched die in his own hands... All of this is feeding into his depression Steve,... into his self loathing, …his fear,…. his anxiety, …..anger,... You are the only one who can keep him from drowning in it... The way you look at him,... the light of recognition, of understanding who he truly is,..." Bruce sighed and shook Steve's shoulder gently.
"You have to be strong enough to reflect that back to him,... offer him that one reassurance that YOU really see him,... You see James Buchanan Barnes,... not what has been done to him or what he was forced to do" Banner sighed after his long rant and shook his head sadly.
"But you are just too honest Steve,... you show your thoughts, your own fears and uncertainty,... your anger, guilt and your doubt that he can handle this,... Your fear that he will crack under the pressure... You are his biggest supporter and the steady constant in his chaotic life,... You need to be able to remind him of his strength, keep him focused on his future, and assure him that his past is behind him,... just ghosts that he may never be rid of, but he can move beyond, regain the man he thought was lost." Banner paused as he watched Steve rub his neck and look down at Bucky with a pensive expression.
"But with out your confidence and certainty that he can do this,... he will continue to tread water in a sea of hopelessness,... instead of swimming towards land." Banner spoke with a thoughtful expression, and a heartfelt gaze. Steve swallowed as he looked at Banner, processing what was said. He nodded after a moment and looked down with a sigh and then back up with a twist of a smile.
"Never knew you were so prolific Doc!" Steve chuckled as Banner smiled with a shrug.
"I prefer to quietly observe, and besides,... With Stark around, there is usually no need for me to make long winded speeches." Banner grinned at Steve's laugh before rewrapping Bucky's legs with Ice packs.