Konoha departed from Italy with a fledgling reputation as badass new blood, a slew of purchase orders by soon-to-be loyal clients, six newly-minted chūnin, and a sedated tiara-brat smuggled into their luggage.
(They were blissfully unaware of the last part for the first half of the flight. Squalo thought he was being clever and funny when he wedged him between Hana's toiletries and underwear. Hana was not amused. Neither was Belphegor when he woke up in the cargo area, half-frozen, with a pair of royal blue panties tangled up in his crown and smelling like coconuts.)
One international phone call later—involving shattered eardrums, explosive tantrums, copious amounts of swearing, and Naruto putting his foot down—the tiara-brat was occupying Baby-Kabuto's guest wing for the next month. Now, normally, he'd have thought the tiara-brat was sent with the hidden motive of spying on them.
Except, Belphegor wouldn't know a cloak-and-dagger spy mission if it bit him on the ass. The dagger part, yeah, he had it down pat, but the cloak? Hell to the no. Also, Squalo had been brushing up against his orange in a please-hit-me, abuse-starved kinda way, not that the bastard even realized it. Which, okay, messed up, but at least it proved he wasn't playing infiltration games and sneaky shit of that nature. Just that Xanxus must have been a real piece of work, totally not someone Timoteo would approve as his successor. Although knowing his Sandaime-like tendencies, he had probably half-assed everything and sooner or later shit would hit the fan.
And if the old man had the brilliant idea of saddling him with Vongola's screw ups, Naruto would enjoy exercising his hard-won right to say not my fucking problem, asshole. The moment he founded Konoha, tenuous familial obligations and old blood ties were irrevocably severed. It was too little, too late, and nothing short of time travel could fix it.
Naruto couldn't care less about Vongola and their bloody succession trifles. Not when he was so close to conquering the greatest enemy he had faced in his new life. He had been battling for years now, skirmish after skirmish, ambush after ambush, tirelessly, but finally…the end was near. He could almost taste the sweet mead of victory on his tongue.
It began with the nin-animal partners and ended with the fire-chakra summons.
Naruto gazed at Baby-Kabuto, vibrating under his skin, but taking care to conceal all traces of c'mon, you're killing me, man and gimme the good news already, lest the frazzled science-baby snap under the extra pressure and go all reptile-sage-Kabuto on his ass.
Glasses giving off a muted glow under the fluorescent lighting in his laboratory, nin-caiman laid across his lap, Baby-Kabuto was stroking Keiman's back like he owed the baby reptile a week's worth of petting at least. Naruto wouldn't be surprised if that was the case—Baby-Kabuto had a bad habit of forgetting the world existed when he was knee-deep in research. Hell, he even forgot to eat. Mukuro, that uncute little shit, had sacrificed himself in the name of science and volunteered to undertake the onerous job of being his personal nursemaid. When Baby-Kabuto gave him this betrayed how-could-you-I-trusted-you look, Naruto shrugged, having zero guilt, because it's a bad habit, we need to break you out of it before you pass it on to the baby geniuses, and if this doesn't work, I don't know what will.
"I…require your assistance."
And oh, this sounded more like…potentially good news, but eh, better than nothing, so Naruto would take it and be damn grateful.
"Sure, you got it."
He smiled, not that it registered with Baby-Kabuto. Placing the nin-caiman inside his glass terrarium seemed to be of greater importance to the science-baby. Keiman, on the other hand, glared cold-blooded murder, slit pupils constricted and blaming the end of his precious me time on Naruto.
"I…have encountered an error in my calculations."
Naruto's left eyelid twitched. "Oh?"
Strange didn't even begin to cover this three-way conversation. Baby-Kabuto was messing about with the terrarium control system. Naruto's eyes were boring into Baby-Kabuto's back, while Keiman's were going for Naruto's jugular and plotting revenge on the other side of the glass.
"Yes, well…although calling it an error is slightly inaccurate and might be oversimplifying—"
Yeah, Naruto had enough. "Yo, man, just say what you need me for."
Baby-Kabuto's spine stiffened, the baby reptile grew three sizes, which made his murder-glare all the more prominent, and Naruto gave up on ever understanding the mind of genius recluses.
"Right, of course," he sorta blurted out, and if that wasn't hilariously sad, Naruto didn't know what was, but at least it got him talking…to the thermostat.
"Fūinjutsu has been exceedingly helpful in understanding how to store Flames, but less so in how to conjure Flame-powered animals. Every attempt so far has failed—they lack independent thought and do not respond to commands and cannot be sustained for long periods of time. If they run out of Flames, they cease to exist altogether. And these are merely the major issues. However." A sudden full stop, a sharp twist of neck, painful to look at. "I believe you might be able to conjure a viable sample. The notes you provided mention…summoned animals?"
Baby-Kabuto was speaking and staring at him for the first time, but Naruto could have done without the onryō impersonation. He was so vetoing Chikusa's film recommendations next Sunday movie night. Why did it always have to be fucking ghosts?
You're not man enough for Sadako.
Fuck off, Kurama.
"Yeah, about that." Scratching his cheek, Naruto hummed and thought back to that failed attempt at summoning after meeting Fon. "I tried it once, but…all I got was, I dunno, disconnect? Like, I got the feeling it'd just be a one-way trip to nowhere even if I overloaded the jutsu? I don't think the summon realms actually exist in this world."
"Disregarding your empirical evidence and the fascinating theory that supports the existence of groups of multiple, separate universes," Baby-Kabuto's lenses were so bright it was dizzying, his voice mad with zeal, "for now."
Despite everything broadcasting he was too overwrought to listen to reason, Naruto had to try. He needed his time off, dammit. What little of it remained anyway. "You're never gonna let it go, are you?"
"Yes, we will be discussing—"
It was soft-spoken, sending shivers down Naruto's spine, a horripilation of dread, vengeance for inflicting that sadistic little shit on him. Memories flashed before his eyes—migraines, tons of bullshit jargon, page after page of scrawled impossibilities, Kakashi-sensei tag-teaming with Sasuke and trying to beat space-time mindfuckery into his head in hopes of recreating the Hiraishin. Because if anyone could/should/would do it, it must be him, like some sort of laughable (it was never funny) rite of passage, never mind he hadn't inherited even a tenth of his parents' fūinjutsu genius. Suffice it to say, it never happened, but the mental trauma stuck.
(Actually, in the end, the only thing all three could agree on was that the Nidaime bent jutsu creation over his desk and made it his bitch. It was not a good thing. Hindsight was twenty/twenty, after all.)
"—to the point where you will be eligible for a doctorate in astrophysics by the time we are done." A threat, wrapped in a promise, inside a resolution. Then, "If we will ever be done."
Naruto fixed him with a hard stare. "You…are a scary son of a bitch." Dude…respect.
"I will take that as a compliment." Baby-Kabuto pushed his glasses up his nose with his index finger, the corners of his mouth drawn back into a smirk of triumph. "Now, would you care to demonstrate as I monitor your Flame output?"
Eh, why not? Nothing to lose, nothing to gain, but if it made the science-baby happy, "Alright, just don't expect it to work."
"Allow me to determine that."
Baby-Kabuto adjusted his glasses, and whoa, was that a real smile? His whole face lit up. Maybe there was something to gain. Naruto smiled as he was led inside another room, walls reinforced with some kind of chakra-resistant alloy, if he had to guess, and barrier seals drawn by his own hand after an incident involving Hayato, experimental red fire-chakra storage seals, and Spanner's Mini-Fire-Breather 2.0.
"Ready?" Baby-Kabuto's voice rang sharply defined and amplified through the speaker system.
Naruto closed his eyes, interlaced his fingers and stretched out his arms, turning his head to the left, then slowly to the right to loosen his neck muscles. Inhaling, fire-chakra rousing under his skin, molding itself into the almost-instinctual pattern for summoning jutsu, exhaling. "Anytime you are."
"Please begin."
Chakra exploded outward in fiery orange waves, rushing across the floor, climbing up the walls, spreading along the ceiling. Burning, flaring, building up, up, up—
"I've poured enough chakra to summon the Boss three times over." And he's a no-show, Baby-Kabuto, told you so. Fukasaku-jī would have hijacked the jutsu by now, if only to whack me on the head with that sage-damned stick for wasting so much chakra.
"Please continue."
Before Naruto could rant at Baby-Kabuto about the abuse he had suffered at the hands of senile toads, a rumbling noise forestalled him.
Neeeed…some o' mine? Kurama's jaw was a yawning chasm, tails lazily swaying, bored as fuck.
Must be nice to have all the time in the world. Goddamn shameless freeloader. A vein throbbed in Naruto's left temple, smile tight on his lips. You think it'll make a difference?
It was how you first summoned that overgrown amphibian, wasn't it? The fox's features contorted into something between a smirk and a scowl, all deep furrows and disdain. Damn arrogant insect-eaters.
Gastric fluid roiled in Naruto's stomach, queasiness coloring his skin. A rainbow of colors. He changed from green to white to red, and back to green at the end. Ugh, don't remind me…gods, the larva onigiri, the snail jerky, the beetle soup…I hate you, Kurama.
Do not blame me for your juvenile mistakes. Kurama couldn't wipe that scowly smirk off his face—the furball went on gloating as if it was his Father-given right. If you had contracted the foxes, like I would have suggested had you but politely asked, you would have been dining like a king. But no, all you wanted was, and I quote, you owe me rent money, so give me your chakra, stupid fox.
Gods, that whine was awful, so badly mimicked. Naruto's irritation vanished. There was just…something so nostalgic about that line. He shook his head, chuckling. Yeah, we were both so stupid back then, huh?
A searing red glare above a snarling snout. Speak for yourself.
Right. The fox had been no such thing, ever. Snorting, Naruto crossed his arms and stared him down, despite the fuzzball towering overhead. Cut the bullshit. I was young enough not to know better. What's your excuse?
Your mother chained me to a rock.
Now he was outright growling. Naruto let him stew a little before he flashed a cheeky grin.
Kā-chan was so freaking badass.
Kurama's growl lessened as he inspected him with an evaluating glance Naruto really didn't like.
Pity you only inherited her character flaws. He laughed, darkly amused, as if that was a fine example of karma and a suitable punishment for Kushina's sins. Then again, the only thing you got from Minato was his sissy looks. Comparing the two, that was the greater tragedy.
Are you done?
I could—
Give me your chakra, stupid fox.
Chakra erupted outward, coalescing into a flowing river of lava, a molten fusion of orange and red. From within the igneous matter, glow poured out in brilliant points of burnt orange and white-hot flame, like a red dawn, like a blood tide.
Oi, Kurama, you seriously overdi—
Naruto's words died in his throat when it began to take shape, threads of fire twined around fleet-footed legs, rebelling, flickering in and out of form, until a coat of rust-red fur hugged its body and gave it substance. A fox kit lay curled around his ankles, eyes blood-red and slit-pupiled, ears and tails tipped with fire-chakra. It had a pair of each, Naruto numbly observed.
"Huh." His low grunt was swallowed by Baby-Kabuto's delirious cry of, "Extraordinary!"
It fucking was, Naruto admitted, shock receding in favor of unbridled joy. With a manic grin, he turned to a stunned Kurama, spreading his arms wide and gesticulating madly.
Look, Kurama, we made a baby! What should we name—wait, is it a boy or a girl?
The kit is male, you blind fool! The fox snapped after regaining his wits, an equally manic glint in his eye as he decreed, Kuramaru.
What—no! He'll be a laughingstock with that kinda name! How could you do that to our baby? Your naming sense sucks.
I don't want to hear that from you! What kind of lame name is Boruto?
Oh, wait, I got it! We should name him...Inari!
I suppose that is…fitting.
Satisfied, Naruto bent down and scooped the now-named kit up in his arms, rubbing his cheek against his soft, furry face. "Inari-chan, meet your tō-chan!" A series of high-pitched, almost yippy barks, which Naruto interpreted as love you, tō-chan, wanna meet kā-chan. Ignoring Kurama's incensed don't you dare and you're the mother, Naruto laughed, still showering the kit in affection. "I'll introduce you to kā-chan later."
The door slid open. Baby-Kabuto sprinted into the room, only to stop dead in his tracks at the sight that greeted him. Clearing his throat, he fiddled with the rim of his glasses.
"If you are…quite finished with that…sentimental display, perhaps we could return to the original purpose of this—" Naruto's head snapped up. His glare dared him to finish that sentence with experiment. Baby-Kabuto coughed inside his tiny fist. "—project."
Nice save, Baby-Kabuto. Sitting down, Naruto crossed his legs and let Inari curl up across his lap for a nap. Being born must have tired him out, Naruto had firsthand experience of how exhausting it was. Ugh, repress, must repress…
"I dunno, man." He shuddered, grateful Baby-Kabuto had given him something else to focus on. "I mean, yeah, it obviously works, but you do realize it takes a fuckton of chakra, right? There's no way the kids can pull it off. Hell, I don't think anyone but me has the reserves for this. I could share my chakra with them, but that'd be useless in this case because it'd still be mine. Best case scenario is Inari-chan getting more siblings out of it."
Baby-Kabuto didn't waste time shooting him down. Also forsook his sanity in the process.
"Irrelevant." And he chortled, mad as a hatter. Like, there was delirium and shining glasses and mad science laughter, green fire-chakra sparking in his eyes and over his skin, spilling from his fingertips and onto the floor. "I have several theories that could bypass that issue once we measure the exact amount of Flames needed. It has to be an instant release of Flames, but nothing indicates it has to be instantaneously generated."
That…wow, that was… "Fuck, that's genius! Like, a single-use yin seal? Slowly storing up chakra until they've gathered enough, then releasing it all in one burst?"
Coming down from his momentary lapse of sanity, Baby-Kabuto smirked. "Exactly."
And it was genius, it truly was. Except, "That's still not easy, though. It needs damn fine control, and right now, I'd say only Kyōko-chan can maybe pull it off."
Again, Baby-Kabuto was quick to shoot him down, but at least he kept the madness inside him in check this time.
"I can modify the seal to draw and store their Flames itself." His smirk reflected all the science degrees he had hanging on his wall. "It will certainly be challenging, but I appreciate a good challenge."
"See, that's why you're my Head of R&D." Smiling, Naruto leaned closer and slung an arm over Baby-Kabuto's shoulders, pulling him onto his lap and pressed against Inari's side while he sputtered. "Come on, let's go tell the kids how awesome you are."
"I still have to analyze the data—"
"They'll still be here when you return."
Inari must have broken the Guinness World Record for most tricks performed by a fox in one minute—he jumped, rolled over, chased his tails, spun around in circles, learned to recognize the kids' names, gave them his paws to shake, and finally sat pretty to be fawned over.
Needless to say, the little brats were in love and chomping at the bit for their own fire-chakra summons. Baby-Kabuto was lavished with unintelligible words of praise, offers of assistance from the science brats, rapturous, eclipsing-the-sun smiles, and grateful, squeezing-the-life-out-of-him hugs. Naruto even caught a glimpse of half-drawn designs for a TARDIS replica with Doctor Verde on it before Hayato hastily hid them in his pocket.
"I want a mongoose." Hana's voice pierced through that lovely chaos, clear and cool and brooking no argument about her choice. It appeared to be some sort of Team B signal, because Tetsuya followed with a polite, "I would like a wolverine," and Ryōhei finished with a deafening, "I want an extreme chimpanzee!"
So, three mammals, and judging by Baby-Kabuto's nod of approval, Ryōhei's choice was influenced by the science-baby. Nice to see they were bonding.
Team B opened the floodgates. One by one, they went back to their teams, as if it was imperative that they present a unified front during this momentous occasion.
Kyōya's gaze met Kyōko's in a silent tête-à-tête. Naruto had visions of the not-so-distant future. Gods, the hormones, the eyefucking, the territorial bullshit, the revisited, in-depth sex talk.
(He'd already given the perfunctory where-we-come-from talk, but had yet to give the how-we-get-there tips.)
Then, at the same time, they parted their lips.
"A harpy eagle."
"A cassowary for me!"
"I've always wanted a dog." Takeshi smiled, cheerful as always, but it took a turn for the deadly when he specified, "a Doberman."
So, two large, exotic, vicious birds…and a dog. Somehow. Naruto was very tempted to make a walk-into-a-bar or a bird-mating-dance joke, but he'd save those kind of jokes for when teenage hormones struck.
Mukuro's gaze met Mini-Anko's, mirroring the Kyō duo, only they probably had an actual mental conversation. Also ended the same, with them speaking on top of each other.
"Kufufu. A python."
"A black mamba."
"A penguin would be my first choice," Chikusa quietly asserted, while Ken thumped his chest and boomed, "Gotta be a gorilla, byon!"
So, they were living up to their team name and going for circus attractions. Nothing new there.
Team D apparently hadn't yet started working on how to coordinate better since they all tried to speak at once.
"I'd be happy with anything you'd like, Shodai-sama, but…" Hayato was gushing, flashing Naruto puppy dog eyes, and ears, and tail, "I'd really like…an U.M.A.!"
"Haru loves kitties, nyah!" It was a stroke of luck that Haru was cosplaying as a cat girl today. Naruto thought she'd leave it at that, but before he could blink, the cutesy mannerisms flatlined and she growled out, "Haru wants a tiger."
"I, um, maybe a parakeet?" Shōichi was mumbling, as if he wasn't sure he wanted a fire-chakra summon at all, but since everyone was dead-set on getting one, then he would get the most harmless and least liable to turn on him. "They're nice, I think, and smart, and they can learn how to talk?"
"Can it be a cyborg?" Spanner's face fell when Naruto shook his head, but he had been vested with the power of strawberry lollipops, so he recovered in no time. "Then I'll take a raven. It can talk with Shōichi's parakeet. Maybe they'll mate and make hybrid—"
So, what the actual fuck? It wasn't just Baby-Kabuto, he'd never understand the mind of baby geniuses either. Leaving Spanner to his rather disturbing, oral thesis on avian crossbreeding, Naruto studied the tiara-brat who was not-so-subtly sulking off to the side by mutilating one of Baby-Kabuto's majestic sakura trees.
"If you wanna have an animal Box Weapon, we can work something out, Bel-chan. But it's gonna be expensive as hell, not to mention you gotta sign an NDA. We won't be offering this to just anyone, you feel me?"
Belphegor's absurdly long bangs smacked him hard in the face when he whipped around, so quick it almost broke the sound barrier. Naruto might have missed it if he wasn't paying attention to him.
"Name your price, Ramen King. It will be petty cash for the Prince."
So, now he was dubbed the Ramen King? Naruto chuckled, mussing up the brat's ridiculous hairdo, while dodging the barrage of ridiculous knives that was supposed to disguise his blush and low murmur of the Prince can keep secrets.