Hey, okay, I'll keep this short. Some of you may not like this chapter but please read it through to the end and have some faith in us. Here, we'll provide some pretty to focus on until next Thursday, too: i49*tinypic*com/2hdxtuw*jpg -Pic Tease.

The song for this chapter is "Pictures of You" by The Last Goodnight. youtu*be/f7QWZBiNTMc

Big thanks to our incredible team of betas: karenec, LJ Summers, AshesAshes and jakeward. You ladies rock our socks!

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Nineteen: Regression

The rest of the way home, I ran hard, pushing myself more than usual. I was gasping for air by the time I reached Mission Street. I slowed to a walk, but my heart was still pounding when I stepped into the lobby. Jacob gave me a confused look when he saw I had returned without Edward, but he didn't comment. I rode the elevator, feeling sick and disappointed about the way the day had ended.

Once in my apartment, I went into the guest bedroom and found Edward's clothes neatly folded on the bed next to his gym bag. I grabbed his clothes and took the bag down to the front desk.

"Jacob, could you give this to Edward when he stops by," I asked, my voice strained from my attempts to not cry.

"Thought you went for a run together." He looked at me with a questioning face. "It was mighty nice of him to bring you that breakfast."

"We did. Just make sure he gets the bag. I'll let him know it's here."

"Sure, sure," he agreed. "I'll get it to him."

"Thanks," I said tightly, turning to catch the elevator.

"Any message for him?"

"No," I answered just as the doors closed.

When I was back in my apartment, I texted Edward to let him know his bag was with Jacob. I stripped and got into the shower, resting my forehead against the cool tiles. Fuck, the run had gone so badly. I was trying, I really was. I didn't want to be such a mess. Always falling apart, leaving Edward in my wake, confused as to what he'd done wrong. It wasn't him at all, though. He had been nothing but good to me. I was disappointed in myself for ruining another great day together. But the guilt was unbearable. I missed Riley, and it didn't feel right to be happy with Edward when Riley was all alone in D.C. I shouldn't find it so easy to push thoughts of Riley aside. He hadn't forgotten me.

Trying not to cry, I showered and stepped out into the bathroom. I felt guilty when I repeatedly checked my phone for a reply from Edward, only to be disappointed that I hadn't heard from him. A small part of me wanted him to knock on my door and beg me to talk to him, although there was nothing I could say that would make the situation any better.

I tidied up the apartment and stripped the sheets off the guestroom bed, throwing them in the washer. While they washed, I took a seat at my desk and decided to email Riley.

Riley,

I miss you. I went to the Black and White Ball at the Fairmont last week. My mother was her usual charming self, but Dad was great. The music was fantastic like always. They played our song. I sat out in the garden, thinking of you, remembering the way you used to sing it in my ear.

It was bittersweet; but although I missed you desperately, and wanted you there, I'm doing okay. I'm so proud of what you're doing, and what you're accomplishing. I wish your dream and my dream hadn't been so far apart. I would love to be there to support you.

Always,

Bella

As soon as I hit send, I felt slightly better. I knew nothing had changed but just knowing I could reach Riley helped. I went through the rest of my day listlessly, and buried myself in work, although I was far from productive. I couldn't stop going over all the things I also wanted to say but didn't put in my email. I unenthusiastically picked at the leftovers from breakfast; barely managing to choke down more than a few bites. I was trying to convince myself to eat more when my phone chimed, indicating I'd gotten an email. It was from Riley.

Babe,

That's funny, I was thinking about you, too. I can't help but remember you in that gorgeous black and white dress you wore last year. I'm sorry I missed it.

I am glad to hear you're doing okay. I worry about you. I can't believe how lucky I am to have your support me even though I left to pursue my dream. You were always too good for me, babe. I only hope that someday there's a way for both of us to be happy.

Miss you,

Riley

I cried as I read the message. As good as Edward made me feel, he could never replace Riley in my heart. I shut my laptop down for the night and went into my bedroom to find my journals. The reminder of the happier times in our relationship would be painful, but it was the only way I could feel close to him again.

August 23, 2003

Georgetown is everything I hoped it would be. Our apartment is great, on the small side, but still perfect. It's a two-bedroom apartment, one is our room, and the other is an office. God knows, between the two of us we have enough law books. We had to go out and buy another bookcase yesterday. Class starts on Monday and I'm thrilled but kind of nervous. This is what I've dreamed about for years!

September 2, 2003

This first week has been a whirlwind. Georgetown is definitely a change of pace from Stanford. It's not like undergrad where you don't do much of anything in the first class. It's busy from the start, but I love it. I met the most hilarious girl in one of my classes. Her name is Vanessa and she's such a riot. I don't think I have ever met anyone so outspoken and blunt.

September 14, 2003

My birthday was amazing. Riley took me out for a really incredible dinner and then we met some people from classes and went out clubbing. It's nice to finally be old enough to go out and drink. Not that we didn't drink at parties before, but it's nice to go out to a club or restaurant and actually have a glass of wine or a cocktail if I want. Vanessa was there, along with another couple we met, Charlotte and Peter.

I sat back, pulling the journal to my chest and leaning my head against the wall. I closed my eyes, remembering times I shared with Riley; the memories were precious to me now. They were a lifeline to happier times when I had hope for my future, instead of the bleak, lonely life that was all I could see now. Thoughts of never getting married, never having children, made me so hopeless feeling. The thought of being alone at forty, fifty, and into my old age terrified me. I was still so angry at the fact that it all had disappeared. I should have been married by now; Riley and I should have been anxiously planning to start a family. My arms ached to hold him, to have what would be our life together. It was a beautiful dream that was now forever out of reach. I wiped away the tears and finally went to sleep with the journal on the pillow beside me, a paltry stand-in for the man I wanted to be there.

~LTOYL~

The next morning on my way out to run, I stopped to talk to Jacob. "Did Edward come get his bag?" I asked.

"Yep. 'Bout half an hour after you brought it down."

"Okay, thank you. Have a good day, Jacob."

"You, too, Miss Swan. If you care, he looked rather disappointed and confused."

I closed my eyes, hating that I had done that to Edward once again. I didn't respond to Jacob's comment; there was nothing I could say to make it better. I slogged through the rest of my day, attempting to crowd out all of the thoughts in my head. It was impossible.

Vanessa called later that night and coaxed me into going out for drinks with her. She even offered to have Edward come but I I really didn't feel up to it. Instead I agreed to just having a girls night with her.

I couldn't quite muster up the enthusiasm she had, but I was glad to see her when I got to the bar. I managed to keep her focused on herself for most of the night, quizzing her on her latest exploits. Her grandmother was rallying, and she planned to fly out to visit her again the following weekend. It wasn't until I ran out of topics that she finally got a word in edgewise to ask me what was going on.

"Are you sure you're all right, Bella? You seem …" her voice trailed off. "You seem a little strange tonight. Is everything going okay with Edward?"

"I'm fine, Ness," I reassured her. "I'm not attached at the hip with him, you know. I can go out for a night without him."

"I know. Although, I can't imagine why you'd want to," she teased me. "I'd lock him up in my bedroom and never leave."

I smiled, despite my gloomy mood. "He is pretty amazing."

"He's gotta' have some flaw though, right? The man can't actually be perfect."

"I haven't actually seen anything yet," I admitted—and I hadn't. So far, Edward had been everything I'd normally look for in a guy. He was smart, funny, a gentleman, and he challenged me. I was genuinely attracted to him both physically and intellectually.

"He doesn't leave the socks on in bed, or snore, or pick his nose?"

"Eww, no." I giggled. Frankly, the only flaw I could see was that Edward was a bit masochistic. He'd have to be, to be interested in me. I had no idea why he kept letting me treat him so badly. The guilt was intensifying daily as I remembered the look on his face when I left him standing there mid-run.

Ness and I stayed at the bar for a while longer, but the drinks only made me more depressed. Eventually, I had a hard time mustering up the desire to do anything but go home and sleep, so I gave up and hugged Vanessa goodbye, promising her I'd meet her for lunch sometime later in the week.

I was in the cab on my way home when my phone rang. I answered it without even glancing to see who was calling, half-hoping it would be Edward.

"Hey, E—"

"Bella," a familiar voice cut me off.

I drew in a sharp breath, surprised to hear Riley on the line. "Oh, Riley."

"Who were you expecting?" he said, laughing.

"I thought maybe it was Vanessa," I lied. "I just left the club, and I thought maybe I left something behind there."

"Oh, okay."

"How are you?"

He sighed. "Missing you." His words instantly made my chest hurt and immediately my eyes started to well with tears.

"I miss you, too," I said softly.

"I've been dreaming about you. I wake up and I can almost taste your lips on mine," he said.

I felt a rush at his words. His voice was easy and familiar, comforting. I felt myself sink into it, pushing away the thoughts that tried to crowd my brain, telling me I shouldn't be talking like this with Riley. I knew I was just setting myself up to hurt more, but I couldn't stop.

"I know," I said quietly. "Sometimes I wake up in the morning and can feel you next to me. I can picture your arms around me, and smell your cologne. It hurts every time I roll over and you're not there."

"Christ, Bella. I need you so much right now," he said, sounding so hurt and lonely that I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

"I need you, too, Riley. I want to believe that when I get home I'll find you in our apartment, in our bed, waiting for me."

"I want to be. I'd give almost anything to be there."

I traced my finger across the glass of the cab window, sick with loneliness. "Tell me about your week," I begged him, needing to hear his voice and wanting to pretend that it was just a mundane conversation—like he was gone on a short trip and would be coming home to me soon, anything but the truth.

"It's been a busy week, lots of Senate judiciary committee meetings. There's some anti-trust legislation that's in the works, and we're dealing with a lot of long hours at hearings. The Senator is really stressed about meeting our deadline, so I'm going on about four or five hours of sleep a night."

"Oh, Riley..." I said sympathetically. "How long have you been going on like that?"

He chuckled. "Weeks, babe. Maybe a month and a half. Something like that. Sometimes I lose track of what month it is, actually. It's a madhouse, trying to get everything dealt with before the break in August. It'll be fine then, we'll all go on vacation and I'll catch up on sleep then."

"Sounds like law school all over again."

"Pretty much. Except at least then I had you to come home to." He tried to keep his voice light, but I could hear the pain he was trying to hide.

"I wish I was. I'd run you a nice hot shower and order in your favorite dinner."

"Deep dish pizza?" he said hopefully.

"Of course, with sausage, mushrooms, and onions. Just the way you like it." When the cab pulled up at my building I hastily thrust some money at the cabbie and stepped out.

"After dinner?" he asked. "What then?"

"I'd tuck you into bed." I dropped my voice as I walked into the lobby, waving hello at Seth. He smiled at me and waved back.

"I think I need to hear more about that, babe," Riley said.

I walked into the elevator, grateful that it was empty. "You want me to tell you what would happen after you were in bed?"

"After we were in bed. Yeah. Tell me what you'd do to me then."

"Riley—" I laughed "—you are being so bad."

He groaned. "I know, I just...God, hearing your voice, thinking about you, it's driving me nuts."

I shifted restlessly, aware of how turned on I was getting hearing his voice. "Let me at least get in the apartment, I'm in the elevator now."

"Fine," he huffed. "God, I need you so much right now though."

The elevator finally reached the twenty-fifth floor and I hurriedly walked to my door. I unlocked it, deposited my purse on the table by the door, and locking it behind me. "Just be patient, Riley." I slipped off my shoes once I was in the bedroom and wiggled around to reach behind me to unzip my dress. "I'm in our bedroom now," I teased him.

"Oh, babe, I can just picture you there. Is your hair up or down?"

"Up."

"What are you wearing?"

"White bra and panties."

"Fuck, my favorite." He groaned. "Oh baby, I want you so much. I can still remember the way you smell and taste. I remember how soft your skin was, and the way it felt to be inside you."

The memories of him were so intense they were nearly real to me as well. "I know, they're mine, too," I told him.

"Talk to me, Bella," he pleaded. "I need to hear your voice."

I wondered if he was touching himself. I could see his hands, sliding slowly up and down his cock. I remembered how small mine looked next to his. Almost involuntarily, my hand slid across my stomach, down, and into my white lace panties; it had been so long since I'd touched myself like this.

"I remember how broad your shoulders are, and how tiny you make me feel. How safe, and protected. I remember the way you'd pick me up, carry me into our bed, and lay me down. You'd stand there staring at me for the longest time before you crawled in with me. Your hands would go right to my chest; your fingers touching my nipples would make me gasp."

"I always felt like the luckiest man in the world to have you in my bed. The way you'd moan when I'd touch your breast, the way you'd take my hand and pull it down between your thighs. You were always ready for me, baby."

"I always wanted you, Riley. Always. Sometimes I still think about you, imagine you inside of me."

"Christ—I" He gasped "—I need you so fucking badly, babe. If I were there, how would you want me? Tell me."

"On top of me, covering me. I'd want to look into your eyes while you slid inside. I want my arms and legs wrapped around you."

"I was always so afraid I'd hurt you, you're so small. I was afraid I'd crush you." He chuckled softly.

"No," I protested. "I miss it, miss the way you'd cover my body with yours. The way you'd press me down into the bed."

"I loved the way you'd wrap your legs around my thighs so I could be deeper. And when your fingernails would dig into my back it drove me crazy. Oh, fuck, Bella. Tell me you're touching yourself. Tell me you're making yourself feel good."

"I am. I'm picturing your hands on me, how you'd feel making love to me. You always made me feel so good; I never wanted you to stop." I closed my eyes and pictured it all. Instantly, I felt my stomach coil as I felt the pleasure building—just like Riley was really here with me.

"Tell me you're close... tell me you're there, Bella." His words were labored and I could tell he was about to come.

"I'm there." I gasped and shuddered against my fingers when I heard him make a hoarse sound of pleasure. It was so familiar I could feel my eyes sting with tears.

"I love you, Riley." I gasped as my orgasm washed over me.

"Oh, Bella, baby, I love you, too." He sighed. "You always make me feel so much better. I so needed that."

"Good. I like it when you feel good." I heard the rustling of the sheets and his deep exhalation of contentment indicating he was comfortable. "You know, I still sleep on my side of the bed. I can't sleep on yours or in the middle."

"Really?" he asked.

"Mmhmm." I yawned, suddenly feeling tired.

"I should let you go to sleep, you sound wiped out."

"I am. Will you stay on with me, just until I fall asleep?"

"Of course, just give me one minute . . . I need to—"

"Clean up," I cut him off and laughed, knowing his exactly what he had to do. He sighed and it broke my heart a little knowing he knew what I was thinking. It was his routine, but we wouldn't share that any longer.

The line went quiet for a moment and then all I heard was the deep inhale and exhale of his breath lulling me to sleep. I drifted, halfway between waking and dreaming and just before I slipped into sleep, I heard him whisper, "I love you, Bella." All I could think about was how much I loved him, too.

*Kherisma swoons, Discordia goes off grid* Okay, I know some of you really want to just flame and flounce right now, but what is a story without a little angst right? You all knew Riley was going to have to come into this at some point. But don't worry, he's still in D.C. and Edward's not out of the picture. In case you forgot, we PROMISE this will have a HEA for Edward and Bella. Trust us to get them there.

If you're feeling down, focus on the pretty again. Isn't he hot? i49*tinypic*com/2hdxtuw*jpg Discordia made this manip and I can't tell you how happy it makes me.

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