SEN'S FORTRESS
Leaving the bonfire, the four set out upon a bridge leading through the edge of the forest and toward the massive Fortress jutting out of the cliffside. It was an ugly thing with no real consistency beside the stones, likely mined out of the cliff itself. Atop the squat main body was a mess of spires connected by narrow, crumbling walkways. As bad as the exterior looked, Lex knew it was nothing compared to the horrors of the interior. As the group approached, they found the gate open, with terrible scraping and hacking noises coming from within.
"Well, I don't remember that," the cleric said, tilting his head. "Let me go first and see if anything's different. Everyone stand on either side of the gate so when I trigger the bolt trap, you don't get shot by accident."
"Lex, if it's dangerous, shouldn't I go first?" Oscar asked. "I've got the best shield."
"Oh. Right. I guess, yeah. So right past the entrance is a raised tile that triggers a hidden repeating crossbow. Past that, there should be a snake man with an ultra greatsword on either side of the stairs. Try to lure them out one at a time, and kill the first by triggering the trap while the snake guy's directly between you and the stairs."
"Understood."
Oscar readied his shield and walked cautiously into the dimly-lit room, slowly walking around the obvious pressure plate. He gradually faded to a silhouette as the difference in lighting obscured his features.
"Lex, there aren't any-!"
There was a loud, sharp thud like something blunt hitting steel, followed by a grunt from Oscar and the sound of stone clattering against stone. The trio quickly rushed inside to find pieces of a statue strewn across the floor in front of them. At the top of the stairs, Oscar faced down a statue of one of Gwyn's Silver Knights. It was unarmed and lacked legs, its upper body jutting out of a solid column carved to look like a skirt, but it clawed at the knight's shield viciously while sliding like ice over the floor. Seeing an opportunity, Oscar swung his weighty sword with both hands and smashed the flat of the blade against the statue, sending it tumbling down the stairs to shatter on the stone.
"Something is different, I'm guessing…" he said, sighing and hanging the sword on his belt.
"Well, sometimes the statues are actually Darkwraiths using illusions to disguise themselves, but that does not seem to be the case here, no. Man, this is going to suck."
"Don't lose heart, Lex!" Siegmeyer said, laughing triumphantly. "This is a test to gain admittance to the city of the gods! What sort of test would it be if it let us pass simply because we had a prophet among us?"
Lex grimaced as he kept himself from mentioning the old knight's usual problems with the Fortress. Instead, he just sighed and tried to play it cool.
"Right, so. I know how to get past all the traps, since those probably haven't changed. I don't know where the snake men went or why the statues are apparently golems now, but most of the difficulty is in the traps anyway. Slow and steady, and we'll get through this with no problems. Lead on, Oscar."
The elite knight nodded and continued up the stairs into the Fortress' main chamber. The group stood on a balcony overlooking a massive drop into a pit filled with murky green water and at least one titanite demon. Narrow bridges crossed over the room several times, but massive bladed pendulums swiped over each of them in a deadly rhythm. The rest of what passed for decoration in the interior were only spikes jutting from various surfaces and empty gibbets hanging from the ceiling. There was a noticeable lack of man-serpents.
"This ought to be easy enough without the cobra clerics," Lex said. "Still, I think there were some statues on the far side of the first bridge. Oscar, go ahead and keep in front. Beatrice, let's get ready to blast them so Oscar isn't forced to fight on the bridge."
"Whatever you say, kid," she said a little quietly, staring at the hanging cages.
They tried to stick together as best they could while crossing the bridge, but there was only so much room between the pendulums. Sure enough, once they had crossed the halfway point, a Silver Knight statue slid out onto the bridge. Rather than mindlessly advance, however, it stopped just on the other side of the last pendulum, blocking their path.
"Curse that witch!"
Beatrice tensed and looked around. The scream of a chain unwinding at high speed filled the room, and a gibbet suddenly swung at the group. Oscar tried to back away but tripped over Lex's foot, sending them sprawling onto the floor in front of Beatrice, who did manage to avoid getting entangled.
The cage swung back the way it had come, and the voice spoke again, "No no no! You're too early! Come back another time! Sen's Fortress is closed for remodeling!"
While Lex and Oscar tried to untangle themselves without falling off the narrow bridge, Beatrice and Siegmeyer watched the cage as it swung back and forth, slowly coming to a stop. Inside was a bald old man with tremendously thick goggles. In addition to being confined within the gibbet, he was bound with a straightjacket, but neither restraint seemed to disturb him.
"Go on! Shoo! The gate shouldn't have been open anyway! I told them that using giants would be more trouble than it was worth! You have to explain something to the brutes three times before they remember it!"
"Hello, there!" Siegmeyer responded, seemingly unfazed by the strangeness of the encounter. "Why might the Fortress be closed? I would not mind waiting, but my companions have urgent need to reach the lost city."
"The Fortress is closed because there's four of you! Sometimes an entire kingdom will try to force its way through. That's fine. There's usually only one or two real heroes among them, and they'll kill each other over the honor of going first. But four! The Fortress isn't designed to challenge that many Chosen Undead!"
"What…?" Oscar said, stunned. "The Pardoner tried to kill us because we weren't the Chosen Undead. Now we're all Chosen?"
"Blast," the man in the cage grumbled. "I don't know how that witch Chooses them! My job is to test them when they get this far, but I can't do that when there's a whole team trying to pass tests designed for one! Now get out of my Fortress and let me work! I'll hang a bell outside when the remodeling is complete."
"No way, hombre," Lex said, casually. "I'm not waiting for this place to get any worse when I know I'm just going to have to fight Pikachu and Snorlax a few hours from now."
"I don't know what he means by that," Oscar continued, "but I agree. Please, can't you just let us pass? Is the test really so important, Sir…?"
"Sen! Was it not obvious? This is why the test is important! It weeds out the idiots!"
"My apologies, Lord Sen!"
"Oh my!"
Oscar and Siegmeyer genuflected.
"Isn't that counterproductive?" Lex said flatly. "I mean, you're increasing the odds of getting a Chosen Undead who'll realize this is a conspiracy to light a bunch of dudes on fire. Or worse, a Darkwraith. Literally all you have to do to unseal New Londo prematurely is kill an old man."
The god glowered.
"As usual, flesh is a fatal weakness. Thanks for telling me. After I finish here, I'll see about fixing that."
"You have fun with that," Lex said, edging around Oscar and then the gibbet.
"Oh no you don't!"
Abruptly, the bridge began to sink. Lex instinctively sprinted to the end. If he jumped, he could grab onto the pendulum as it passed and then onto the balcony. The balcony that was packed swarming with golems like they were waiting to buy tickets to the next Iron Man movie. He thought better of it and turned around. Oscar and Siegmeyer had risen, and Beatrice was shaking the god's cage like he owed her money.
"Listen to me, you sack of shit! You're going to raise this bridge right now, or I'm going to have deicide added to my wanted poster!"
"Should have expected as much…" Oscar murmured.
"Fine! Humans are always so impatient! If you insist, I'll personally administer a shortened test sequence, but the final test will be combat with my most fearsome creation!"
"Deal!" Beatrice said, spinning the cage viciously.
At last, the bridge began to sink into the mire. Beatrice grimaced and held up her skirts. Lex looked at his hands vacantly. He really wanted to put on the Rusted Iron Ring, but he also wasn't sure whether it was a good idea to remove the Widow's Ring. He certainly wasn't about to remove Havel's Ring and reduce his roll speed.
Oscar and Siegmeyer had more thoughtful reactions. Since they had managed to avoid Blighttown, this was their first experience with trying to move through knee-deep water while armored. Sen hovered above the water in his gibbet, impatiently waiting for the humans to stop fooling around. Eventually, Lex waded in front of the god.
"So. What are we…?"
"Now that I have your attention… There are four prowling demons on the bottom level of the Fortress. Your first test will be defeating them."
"Oh my god. Just call them titanite demons. And that's a pain in the ass. I don't want to have to keep going back and forth to the bonfire to reload my lightning spears."
"Ah, that's right. If you die during this special test sequence, entry will be forbidden until I've finished the renovations."
There was a massive clang in the distance.
"The door is now shut. I hope you're confident in your skills."
"Boo. Booooo. Boooooo."
"Don't be like that, Lex!" Siegmeyer chimed in. We've been given a challenge by one of the gods! You should relish this opportunity!"
As the old knight chuckled, Lex's thoughts increasingly turned to letting him "run flat up against a ball" later in the Fortress. Oscar was a little more sober, looking over the distant demon.
"Lex, how do we fight these?"
"Uh. Very carefully."
"Lex."
"I honestly don't have much more to offer than that. They're a pain to fight up close. The normal strategy would be to pelt one with magic, then return to the bonfire. Rinse and repeat. Up close, standing right in front of its missing leg is fairly safe, but there's only enough room for one person. It can jump pretty much straight up, so trying to surround it is a terrible idea that's likely to result in us stabbing each other."
He tilted his head back and forth.
"Beatrice, you allegedly have ridiculous intelligence. What do you suggest?"
The witch looked at the demon and then back to Sen. She grabbed the side of the cage and started walking toward the monster.
"Stop that this instant!"
The chain suspending the cage started rolling back, dragging Beatrice through the muck.
"Help me, you muscleheads!"
The men weren't really sure how to react and looked at each other to see if anyone else had a plan.
"You know," Lex said, "if either of you are good at climbing, I bet you could climb that chain all the way to the top. There's a bonfire up there, and I'm wondering if you couldn't just keep activating it to make the rest of us into immortal monsters."
"Oh, if a little younger, maybe," Siegmeyer said apologetically.
Oscar stared at the length of chain intently.
"I might be able to do it, but I doubt we could use the bonfire so conveniently."
"If we can get out of this pit, I can get us through the traps Sen hasn't changed yet, but the only way out leaves us on the starting side. With the bridge gone, we're kind of stuck here."
Lex's eyes lit up.
"Well, maybe not. If I could get us ropes and stuff, do you think we could just climb the outer wall?"
Siegmeyer laughed.
"That, I could do! But between the weight of my armor and my own not insignificant heft, could the rope support me? It's hard to find such equipment in Lordran that has not yet rotted away."
"Spider silk is stronger than steel, and I could probably get us a decent amount."
"Oh, quit pulling my leg!" Siegmeyer continued, chuckling.
"No, I mean, I know a giant spider who could maybe give us some."
"When did this happen? Blighttown?" Oscar asked, incredulous.
"Yeah, I-"
"I won't stand for this!"
By now, Sen's gibbet was whizzing through the air above the trio as some unseen device pulled the cage at high speed, trying to shake Beatrice loose. For once, the witch actually seemed to be enjoying herself.
"Fine! As recognition of your ingenuity, I declare the first test complete! Now let go of me and stop trying to skip my Fortress!"
"I refuse," Beatrice said, climbing up the side to sit on top. "Now take me to the roof before I stick my catalyst through these bars."
Sen let loose a scream of incoherent rage, but the gibbet did begin to rise. Eventually, the two were completely out of sight, and the three left in the pit had no idea how to continue.
"Sooooo…" Lex started, "do we want to try the spider ropes or just look around first?"
As he spoke, stone columns erupted out of the water, and a ramp slid out of the side of the wall.
"Come now, Lex," Siegmeyer said, sounding like a child in a candy store, "a god is building a test just for us! Where's your sense of adventure?"
"Probably somewhere in the Frigid Outskirts," the cleric muttered as he followed the knights up the ramp.