Disclaimer:Naruto is Kishimoto's toy... I simply borrowed it to have my twisted way with it ;)

Warning:Rated M for violent scenes, cursing and the dark theme this story has taken.

A/N: Sooooooo... I know things were looking up last chapter... And they still are! But uhm... Lets call this chapter the final straw and i believe from here on it will only go uphill. I'm sorry :c I know it's been very emotionally draining. But i prooomiseeeee now it should only get only better! I think... The story does have a mind of its own tbh ^^'

Also, i apologize this chapter took so long to write! I do have good excuses though! I've recently moved so that took a lot of my spare time and I've also gotten myself a beta with whom I'm going through all the chapters correcting whatever mistakes I might have made. Not all chapters are fixed yet but we're slowly getting there! Her name is Hypereuni and she's been such a great addition! This chapter is betaed.

Hope you guys enjoy~

Chapter 19: Broken and Fixed

How often was it now, that I stood in the middle of this field, trampled and played with, only to jump back up and stand once again in front of this monster, awaiting his guidance. That face, that smirk, the way his eyes dissected me like a rat under a microscope… And yet here I was, with an abused body, the scars a reminder of the torture I had went through and my lack of voice a testament that this creature right there was destroying me, internally as well as externally.

I was shaking as I continued to look him in the eye. His eyes were an unnatural color, sickly even, the pupils split—the eyes of a predator. I shook and shook, my hands balling into fists in order to lessen the shaking. But what was I trembling for? In fear? It would have been the most logical answer; it should have been the answer. But it did not seem right. This trembling in my body was not entirely due to fear. What I was feeling was something more akin to euphoria.

I smirked.

Not once did my eyes leave Orochimaru's. Kimimaro stood by my side observing this silent exchange. No words were spoken since I had entered the training grounds. Not from him and certainly not from me. The only sound surrounding us was that of nature, playing loudly only in my ears. A calm and gentle orchestra, nothing like the scene unfolding. Dramatic. Tense.

The smirk turned into a grin.

This was it, right? Was this what it felt like to go mad? No. I had already lost my sanity to this man. Despite all the things I knew of this creature, despite all the things he had done to me and despite the things he would continue doing to me, I still chose to be by his side. Were the physical scars, and especially the mental trauma truly worth the gains? I grit my teeth, my shoulders shaking harder and harder.

Eventually, I laughed.

It was a silent laughter. I put my hand on my face as I continued to laugh, hiding half of my features, tears streaming down my eyes. What had I become? When did I start fearing abandonment when not so long ago, it was I who abandoned everyone? I made one mistake. ONE! And he took the one thing I held dearest to me. And as if that wasn't enough, he topped it off with these scars which I would never be able to get rid of! If something like that would have happened to me in my former household, I would have left them in a heartbeat. Hell, I left them over treating me less like a child and more like a trophy. What made Orochimaru's way of treatment so different that kept me to his side? Why did I not wish to leave this monster!?

Kimimaro watched me, his face emotionless. He knew it. He knew exactly what I was going through. He knew that in these moments, I had succumbed my sanity entirely to Orochimaru, just as he had done. Just like Kabuto had done.

I grabbed a kunai from the side of my thigh, my face still distorted from laughter. Without looking up from the grass at my feet, I quickly threw the weapon at the Snake's direction, which he easily dodged.

I slowly raised my eyes. In front of me stood the most terrifying man in existence. I bit my lips, grinding the flesh with my teeth, blood dripping from the wound I had inflicted on myself.

"Good morning, Aika-chan," he greeted, his smirk wide, amused. This information barely registered in my brain. Instead, the one thing overwhelming my senses was the melody Orochimaru was giving off, the melody I had never been able to listen to before I tweaked with my hearing—a truly terrifying song. It slithered around me, consuming me, ready to eat me whole.

I took a step back, my breathing ragged as his overwhelming presence nearly crushed me, but I refused to mute the song he was singing. Instead, I unsheathed the daggers placed on my lower back and locked eyes once again with the monster.

"Orochimaru-sama," I mouthed in an attempted scream, feeling the rage in me boil to an immeasurable degree.

I attacked him, determined to take his life. He had made me suffer so much, nearly destroyed me on multiple occasions! He had treated me like an interesting project, playing with my psyche, twisting it until he felt satisfied. Until I was programmed just the way he wanted. Did he believe me so stupid? Did he believe me so… breakable?

It was foolish of me to attack him. I knew that of course. How could I possibly defeat this creature which was so high above me in strength and intelligence? I didn't even own one single jutsu which could give me a slight edge. The ones I used to own were already taken away from me, precisely by the man I was attempting to murder.

Even Kimimaro knew what a weakling I was against this mighty Snake, as he did not lift a finger to stop me from attacking Orochimaru, even as it was apparent that I was oozing bloodlust. I wanted Orochimaru's head, and Kimimaro was aware of it. But he also knew that he would simply get in the way, rather than aid his master.

But it was also because of this reason, this weakness I possessed, that I was fighting with the aim to kill. I knew he would not die. I knew that he wouldn't even get a scratch even if I tried.

I wanted to kill him. By god, did I want to kill this hateful creature. I wanted to maim him beyond recognition, take away all of his achievements just as he had taken away mine.

But I also needed him alive. Needed him alive for the security he gave me, for the gifts he handed out despite taking them away just as easily. I needed the comfort he gave me because in the end, I knew his manipulations had been working. I knew that to some degree I had created a twisted bond with this monster and I still sought out his presence.

Attack after attack I was trampled back into the ground, thrown around like a ball, bouncing back to attack ten times harder. His dodging was gentle, well, gentle for his standards that is. He was being careful with me, trying to not inflict any more wounds on me. It only served to make me more vicious in my approach, slashing, throwing, jumping, kicking—at some point, when I ran out of kunai, throwing my daggers aside, I attacked like a savage, with clumsy fists and horribly executed hits.

Eventually, I tired myself out. Orochimaru had had no problem avoiding each and every one of my unskillful punches and kicks. This fight had been everything Orochimaru had not taught me to be: careless, thoughtless, hopeless. Full of emotions. They had controlled my every move. It was absolutely disgusting, the way I had performed. Why did he have to act as if he cared? I knew he didn't! But my foolish human heart clung to the fake kindness he offered me.

I slowly slid to the ground, my hands lying lifeless on my sides, my body feeling completely worn out. I raised my head, facing the man whose hair seemed almost consuming in its blackness, his white skin glowing in contrast. My chest went up and down, my lungs hurting with the massive amounts of air I was gulping. With one last deep breath, chest painfully tight, I screamed.

I screamed my soul out! The desperation I had felt these past few weeks as I lost the one thing precious to me was released in soundless tears. Even if that voice was mute to everybody else, it rang loudly, oh so loudly to me in the saddest melodies. But it was also relieving, like a burden being lifted from my shoulders.

The Snake was no longer smirking but looking at me, his face neutral, his eyes void of any emotion. They were not cold, nor were they calculating as I would have expected. They were not amused either, nor interested. They were simply… clear.

He came closer to me, crouching so that the height difference wouldn't be so strenuous on my neck and started stroking my hair, brushing his fingers through my ponytail before the threads of hair slipped from his grip, falling over my shoulder.

"Have you calmed down? Are you done with your assault?" Orochimaru asked me, his face tilted to the side. I bit my bruised lip, closing my eyes, trying my best to slow the rhythm of my breathing, to calm myself. I swallowed thickly, the melody of the Snake coiling itself around me, caressing me, keeping me tight in its grip as it tried to suffocate me in its gentle approach. And I let it engulf me in its madness.

I nodded slowly, the desire to attack no longer present. Instead I wanted to feel his comfort a little bit longer, have him pet my hair, show me affection. And as if he could read my thoughts, his long fingers undid my elastic band, my hair falling in front of my face temporarily before Orochimaru pushed them away, stroke after stroke, calming me down.

"I believe you are not fit for training today, Aika-chan."

For a second, I wanted to refuse. However, simply looking at my emotional state as well as the exhaustion I had driven myself into, I knew he was right. With another slow nod, I attempted to stand up, disappointed that I had to give up the comfort he was giving me. But just as I was about to lift myself up, I dropped back just as fast. I had not realized that my body was still shaking.

"Kimimaro, would you please take Aika-chan to her room? Training for today is cancelled." I looked up shocked, as this was not necessary. Just because I was unfit for training did not mean Kimimaro would also have to suffer the same consequences!

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama," he replied.

My lips kept forming words, arguments trying to escape to change their mind, but I couldn't do anything else except for shake my head to bring my message across. In the end Kimimaro lifted me up, one arm supporting my back while the other looped under my knees.

"Please, Aika-san, you've caused enough trouble already." I stopped trying to push him away, biting my lips, eyes cast down in shame. Yes, I had indeed caused quite some trouble, but I did not regret attacking Orochimaru. It had helped me burn all that rage that had built up inside my heart for weeks, helping me achieve some piece. I felt exhausted and emotionally drained, but I did feel much better than before. The rage that had swallowed me the moment I had seen Orochimaru standing on the field had been overwhelming. Keeping it inside would have done me no good.

I locked my arms around Kimimaro's neck, getting a bit more support, resting my eyes as I felt him lead me away. A few minutes later I was back in my room, the shaking having stopped a while ago, but he had refused to let me go. He laid me on my bed and we simply looked at one another in silence for a few moments. I wanted to say so much, to discuss my feelings, to tell him why I had acted the way I did. But those words were taken away from me.

"How are you feeling, Aika-san?" The silent room brimmed with sound.

Numb. I wanted to say. I did not know what to feel any longer. Hate and love were truly separated by a thin line, slowly blurring into one. How I could desire the death and comforting presence of a single person so much was beyond me. How I could have attached myself to such a person in the first place…

Kimimaro sat on the edge of my bed, facing away, his back turned towards me.

"I know the loss of your voice was a cruel punishment, Aika-san,"—his voice rang loud, piercing my heart—"but you must understand that Orochimaru-sama would never do anything without proper thought."

I slammed my fists on my bed, a soft thump, range blaring anew.

LIKE HELL! The loss of my voice was NOTHING but thoughtless on his part! I knew Orochimaru. I remembered him from the show, how all, ALL of his careful planning went crushing down because when it counted the most, he let his emotions rule! Just like when he let his rage overcome his logic by taking my voice, risking me antagonizing him! The only reason why this mistake was not a dire one was because I was no threat to him. That even if I turned on him, I was easily eliminated.

I knew that. And he knew it as well.

I felt my hands slowly being taken into gentle ones, green eyes staring into my own. I had not realized my nails were digging into my skin, the pain numbed by my wrecked emotions.

"Aika-chan." Tears started welling once again in my eyes. Why… Why must he now use my name in such a way. Why did I have to be surrounded by people that confused me so much! Did Orochimaru truly care for me? Did Kimimaro truly care for me? Was I just a tool of manipulation? Was there any genuine feeling between any of them and me? I wanted to cling to hope so badly. That maybe, just maybe, in all this insanity, there was something truly genuine. I craved a connection with these people, because in the end, we were all very similar. Selfish, manipulative, cruel in many ways, killing for our own gains. Where would I ever find others where I could be my own self, where I would be accepted without fault, where all my flaws were shared by the people I also cared about?

But did I truly care for them as my heart tried to tell me or was I simply holding tight onto them because they gave me familiarity? A secure place where I at least knew what awaited me. Because part of the future was locked in the presence of these creatures.

Doubts kept creeping inside my mind, doubts which told me to hate and leave this place, that my heart did not weigh as heavy as my my wish for a genuine connection kept its grip tight, clouding my judgment. One of the people I'd be leaving behind if I truly left was right in front of me, slowly taking me into his embrace, comforting me, giving me what I hoped for, what I wished for. A bond. Something I had never possessed in my entire existence. Something I had craved, but had tried to suppress, ignore, telling myself that I did not need such a thing.

Pushing Kimimaro gently away, I looked up at his face. His expression was as blank as it usually was, but his eyes told me differently. He was worried. Worried about my wellbeing. A genuine emotion about me. He wiped away my tears with an awkward hand, and I smiled a little and nodded at him, feeling better. Feeling safer. He smiled back at me, returning my nod.

I knew, by all means I knew, that I would never truly be alright. I was aware that madness had consumed me, but I had signed up for this since the very moment I decided to follow the Snake. I knew that this rage I felt in my heart would not disappear, that I would continue hating him. I knew that Orochimaru would never be forgiven for the cruelty he had acted upon me, the black thorns of vengeance tightly gripping my soul. Because what he had done to me, what he had made me go through… He needed to suffer the same fate by my hand. He was going to pay dearly or else my soul would never find peace.

But I also knew that Orochimaru's presence was far too important to me. Not because of the abilities and knowledge he provided me. Those feeling would have never been strong enough to tie me to this place. They might have been what had kept me in the beginning, but no longer. No. By some twisted fate, he had slithered himself into my heart, had made me crave his presence, his approval, his love even. Despite his cruel ways, he had raised me in the end, had taken care of me, had accepted me for what I truly was and had shaped me into what I was now. He had given me a home, a figure to look up to, a human I could appreciate and love. A mentor, a parent. A person whose affection I craved.

I would hate him, and I would love him the same. I would plot his demise and protect him from all harm. I needed to destroy him, to be nothing more but dirt but I also needed to help him rise in power, keep him as king of the world. He was mine to abhor and mine to cherish. I would make sure that he would suffer just as much as I had and then I would nurse him back to health, lovingly, carefully, just as he had done with me.

He had at last broken me, but I refused to keep the pieces of my sanity scattered on the ground. Instead I would pick them up, force them together no matter if they fit or not, no matter if pieces were missing or not. I would simply create a new shape out of my shattered mind, only keeping the core material of myself intact until this new shape would heal on itself and madness would simply be but a new form of normal to me.

A/N: I believe this is the final crack in Aika's mind, so as of this chapter she is officially insane I'd say xD The next chapters should be looking up and have much more of the former spunk which Aika used to have in the earlier chapters. The recent chapters have been quite depressing huh :c Poor Aika... I'm being terrible to her *sighs*