AN: slightly M section

PJ

Gillian went back to work and then a few hours later she was back at the hospital with Emily and Lewis. Lewis had brought home a painting from day care and Gillian suggested they leave it there for Cal. Lewis liked that idea. She figured somewhere in his mind he had convinced himself Cal woke up and that happened to occur when he wasn't around, that Cal just happened to be asleep every time Lewis happened to stop by. Gillian didn't have any ideas on dispelling that belief, not without completely shattering the illusion that Cal might wake up for real one day.

They stayed for an hour then Gillian announced it was time to go home for dinner. Emily said she would stay a little longer, just like she always did, so that she could spend some time with her father alone. Gillian gave a smile, told Lewis to take his bag. He ran from the room ahead of her. "Hey Gill," Emily called to her from the bed. Gillian turned back expectantly. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine," she responded with a small smile. "Just tired."

Emily gave a nod and Gillian left the room. At least she no longer had to worry about the younger woman. Emily was dealing with things in a normal way. She had been shocked and then angry and she had dealt. She had leaned on her husband and he had asked Gillian for advice and twenty years of experience had flowed out of her mouth. It was a shame she couldn't take her own advice.

Gillian took Lewis home. The house was empty but dinner was in the oven with reheating instructions and there was a fresh pile of laundry folded on the table. Gillian asked Lewis if he was hungry and he nodded. She turned the oven on and told him he had twenty minutes to play before it was dinner time. He nodded to that too. Gillian went to her room and kicked off her shoes. She felt cold, despite it being another summer day. It was cloudy though and windy and she just felt cold.

Gillian picked out a change of casual clothes and laid them on the bed. She was going to have a shower to warm up and straighten out her thoughts again. Cal always said he did his thinking while in the shower. Stepping under the warm water Gillian remembered other things they did in the shower. Like the morning of the accident. Their anniversary. They had fooled around in bed and even more in the shower because it was the only space of theirs with a lock on it. Heat flooded straight to her groin and she reached to turn the water temperature up to try and drown it out. Cal had insisted on christening every room. He was serious. He told her he was keeping a list and crossing them off. She had laughed at him and then he had played the anniversary card.
Gillian closed her eyes, trying to force the thoughts away. That didn't help much. She could see him now. His naked, wet body. His hair sticking up at the back where he had slept on it. His naked body. 'Oh god,' she groaned. She could almost feel his hands on her hips as he had pulled her close against him, firmly but carefully, because she could slip if he threw her off balance. Her blood started to pound and she could feel her cheeks flush with the heat of the memory and the water. She tried to stop it again. She should change the subject. But she could feel his hand on her breast too, the rough scratch of his stubble against her sensitive neck. She had begged him to touch her.

Gillian could feel her nipples tingle and her hand shifted to brush firmly against them, trying to release the tension. Her other hand found the glass of the shower cubicle and she turned her back to the hot water. 'I can see you in the mirror,' Cal murmured into her ear as his hand slid around the front of her hip to her thigh. She could feel him hard against her back. Clearly seeing their foggy outlines in the steamy mirror was a real turn on for him. She let him have it. She didn't like it when she couldn't hold on to him but she let him press into her from behind. 'Open your eyes,' Cal whispered.

Gillian could see herself standing there, her own hand pressing between her legs, desperate for the feelings to stop but loathe to close out the memories. She clamped her lids shut again and took a deep steadying breath. She had a handle on this.

'You look so sexy,' Cal's voice caressed over her. She gave a whimper and pressed into him harder, begging him again to touch her. She could feel his fingers and she shifted her legs further apart to give him better access. His chest pressed tightly against hers as he applied pressure and stroked and teased. She could feel him breathing heavily, feel his excitement in the length of his body. 'Oh god Gillian,' he had moaned.

"Cal!" She cried out as she brought herself to climax, her legs shaking and her grip tight on the edge of the shower wall. As soon as the high came down guilt flooded in and she started to cry. She had always claimed Cal was enough for her. She had never ever felt the need to touch herself since being with him. Not once. He had satisfied her needs in every way. And now... now she had broken that silent record. Even when he had gone away on business, even after Lewis had been born... she had waited for him. She had found the self control and patience and now... now she had shattered that illusion. She felt like she had betrayed him, worse, she felt like she had betrayed herself.

PJ

Gillian stared at the desktop of her computer for a moment. No, she couldn't remember whatever it was that she was going to do. Sun poured through the windows behind her warming her back, almost to the point of being uncomfortable, but it was lovely. Today was a better day. Lewis had stayed in his bed two nights in a row and she had managed to sleep without being disturbed, even if it did take her a long time to drift off and she still happened to wake early.

Yesterday (or more accurately last night when she had been lying awake alone in bed) she had managed to sink as low as thinking it would be better if Cal was dead. She figured then, at least, she would be able to move on. Grieve for him and get over it (not that she thought she would ever really get over it. It was Cal after all. The love of her life. Her best friend). This was a cruel kind of limbo he was keeping her in and it was grating on her nerves. She hated to wait and it was acutely worse in this case because there was no defined timeline as to when the waiting would end. Lights tended to only stay red for a few minutes. Surgeries kept her worrying for a few hours. Coma's had the potential to drag out for years.

'Please don't let it come to that.'

Gillian went back to scanning through the report she was reading. Whatever had triggered her to focus on the computer was gone again. It happened often throughout the day, half thoughts biting at the heels of her brain, and once again, her mind drifted to Cal. Last night, when she had taken Lewis up to the hospital, he had muttered a distinct word: pizza. It had made Lewis giggle and Gillian found herself laughing lightly with him. Lewis told Cal he was silly. He didn't seem to mind that Cal never answered him. He chatted away to him about his day, practising his signs and words, correcting himself if he got it wrong. He still had speech therapy once a week but it was more like a formality these days. He spoke well enough for a four year old. Some people told Gillian they were amazed with how clear his pronunciation was.

At least something was going right.

Gillian turned back to the page in front of her for the fifth time. She focused until she reached the bottom and flipped the paper back to carry on reading the next. Her phone gave a brief chime to signal a text message had come through and vibrated several times. The message was from Emily; her perfunctory: C U THIS AFTERNOON?

Gillian immediately responded with her standard answer: YES C U USUAL TIME

She checked the clock on her computer. In a few hours she would leave for the hospital and meet Emily and Lewis there.

And then back to the report. She made it half way through the next page before remembering what she had wanted to do on the computer. She needed to make a transfer to cover the outgoing insurance costs of the business, which was due tomorrow and they were in one of those lull periods where their outgoing costs were more than their income. After that was done, it was back to the report. After five minutes of scanning her eyes along the page Gillian realised she hadn't absorbed a word of it. She had no idea what she had just read. With a sigh she pushed back her chair from the desk. Sometimes it was so difficult to focus. She got up. Coffee would help her concentrate better. Or really, just taking a break was probably what she needed.

"Hey Gillian."

"Hey Paul," she half turned to him with a smile as he fell into step with her while she walked down the hallway.

"I was just on my way to see you."

"I'm just getting coffee," Gillian explained. She was about to add that she would be just a minute and then back in her office so they could talk.

"It's ok, it's a quick question."

"Shoot," Gillian suggested as she pushed open the door to the break room and entered.

Paul followed. "I was wondering if you read the report I wrote on the frequency of..." he watched her face for signs of recognition.

"I'm reading it now," Gillian reached for the coffee pot. "I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back to you."

"Not a problem," Paul waved a hand to show he wasn't bothered.

"Ok," Gillian gave a relieved smile. She had increased her hours at work steadily as she had found a routine, but it didn't serve her well at all to be distracted when she was actually there.

"I was thinking about submitting it to a psychology journal."

"I'll make sure I finish looking at it today," Gillian promised.

"That would be great thank you," the corner of Paul's mouth twitched a little. Despite his nonchalance, it was important to him. He walked away and Gillian vowed that she would concentrate and actually read the thing and give him some feedback.

She took her coffee back to her desk and turned the report back to the previous page. She sipped the hot beverage while she read again, this time focussing on the words and what was being said. She reached for a pencil to make a note in the margin.

The break must have done her good because she was avidly reading when her phone started ringing. She reached for it absently. "Yes?" She answered.

"Mrs Lightman? It's Julia from Washington Hospital."

Gillian ripped her focus away from the report. Her gaze fell on the photo on her desk of her, Cal and Lewis. "Yes?" Gillian prompted.

"Doctor Rockwell asked me to call you to let you know that Cal is awake."

Gillian's stomach clenched and her heart rate slowed. The room seemed suddenly silent and still. "Sorry?" She practically whispered into the phone, sure she had misheard.

"Cal is awake," Julia spoke clearly.

"Awake?"

"Yes he's lucid. He's a little confused but he's talking to Doctor Rockwell now."