I know I don't always answer reviews, but I hope you know I am really thankful for them. They really make my day. Thank you for taking time with this.
Chapter Twenty-one
Belly of the Beast
It was cold there. Much colder than what he would have imagined. The lights bright and cutting, like shards of glass into his eyes, a buzzing from thousands of flies seemed to fill his head, the wallpapers, even the air he breathed. Rei tried to take a deep breath, tried to remain strong but as the white walls seemed to be closing in on him, the end of the corridor drifting further away the more he walked towards it, every ounce of mental strength he had seemed to be blown away. Everywhere laid silence, a foul feeling in the air that only follows death. Rei had never thought that he would have to go to a place like this and yet, how wrong he had been proven. Beside him Boris glared with hostility at whatever white coat wanted to block his path, and as a police officer greeted them by a crossing of corridors his scowl only deepened. But Rei didn't even notice, stiff from the bone a coldness had laid itself across him, his brain not even working, numbness ruling his mind and soul.
''Mr. Kon?'' the policeman said, and the Tiger could do nothing but nod stiffly, an uncertain frown on his face.
The police raised his eyebrows, but assumed it had to be a traumatizing experience and therefore he deemed Rei's behaviour as rightful. He himself had gotten used to the bodies, being at the morgue was like going out to buy a magazine for him. He waved his hand for them to follow then, beginning to walk further down the hall. They did so, and after a few minutes of haze-like walking, Rei barely noted that they had arrived to a room that would most definitely ruin his day. The Tiger fidgeted, taking a deep breath to brace himself he only seemed to inhale the despair that seemed to stick thickly to the air, clawing at the walls like desperate parasites with a fear of death. Which was rather ironic in a way since the whole room reeked of death, and the unbothered manner in which the two pathologists moved just made him shiver. How someone could be so close to death and still not care, like it was an everyday thing, it just unnerved him.
Boris looked bored as his eyes swept over the place, instantly deciding this was all a waste of time. But he stood silent where he was, waiting for the whole thing to be over with since it wasn't any of his business and he really couldn't be bothered with it anyway. If Rei just checked the body out – which he had no idea why he even had to – they could go home and he could try to sleep for the millionth time that night. Sleep deprivation was clawing at his mind but the Falcon refused to acknowledge it, instead staring meaning at the Tiger, urging him to proceed.
The older pathologist lowered his delicate glasses, sharp, grey eyes skewering them almost to a fatal point. He nodded in greeting, waving for Rei to come closer. Rei swallowed down the lump in his throat, but it only stuck to the hundreds of other lumps he had been trying to swallow during that night. Shaky steps carried him forward, hesitating and resisting as he only got closer to the table which he could have paid anything just to avoid.
''Mr. Kon?'' the pathologist said smoothly and unaffected while panic blended with anger curled in Rei's eyes.
How could the man not notice that foul, almost blinding smell of despair? The room was covered in it, death, solitude, cold, echo after echo of the imaginary flies adding his discomfort. Perhaps the doctor did notice it and simply – which the Tiger found even harder to understand – he was used to it. After an impatient look from the taller man, Rei nodded his answer to his question. The doctor made an odd twitching movement with his mouth before nodding towards the table.
''Well then. Could you tell me if you know this man?''
Rei looked at him, a lucid, pointed look which the pathologist was not sure of how he should interpret. The Chinese sighed, collected himself, failed and instead forced himself to turn around. People always say one should face one's demons, but that moment he was doubting that it was always such a safe card to play. Seeing the dead body before him now, he was resolute that this demon was better off forgotten. Blinking, not noticing Boris' looking partially curiously at him, trying to get his own limbs to move. But he could hardly even master a breath, staring into closed eyes which, had they been open, would have looked right through him. The sickly white skin, decorated with bruises the size of his hand, multiple stab wounds just gaping at him as if they were laughing at his confusion. Rei's mind made a daring loop before shutting off completely, leaving him with nothing but the painfully loud sound of his heartbeats and the even louder absence of the corpse's own. Staring down at his father, Rei had never felt so lost.
''Mr. Kon?'' the irked pathologist said, looking at him with empty eyes.
He has the eyes of a corpse.
''I…'' he couldn't speak, his tongue seeming dead itself, as if anything living that went into that room perished. ''It… I… what happened?''
This mildly surprised the other man, but he regained his porcelain slick face, looking at the body as well.
''Loss of blood, I'd say. Most likely the end of a bar fight gone wrong since we found multiple traces of alcohol in his blood.''
''Yes, I – '' he swallowed, voice laced with bitter contempt. '' – that's not surprising me.''
''So you recognize him?''
He almost wanted to laugh at that. There he was, shocked, furious, depressed, nauseous and numerous other feelings all drowning him in one go, standing next to his dead father and they dared ask if he knew who it was? He closed his amber eyes, not bearing to look anymore, tiredly shaking his head.
''Yes, it's… It's…''
''It's his father.''
Rei looked up as he heard Boris' voice, surprised to see the man stand next to him as he had not heard him move, which was usually an easy thing for Rei to do. He blinked perplexedly, but the stoic look on the Falcon revealed nothing but repulsion which was flaming dangerously in his eyes. Glaring at the pathologist, Boris' taut mouth made it clear that they had nothing more to do there. The pathologist cracked a crooked grimace, puffing slightly.
''And you are?'' he said wryly, eying Boris' as if he was something you found on the underside of your shoe during a festival.
''I'm the one who'll rip your face off if you don't wipe away that fucking smile''
''Lovely. But if this is Mr. Kon's father, then we have our answer.''
''What, you knew?''
''Dental records, yes. But we had to make sure, and now we have. Officer Schwarz will fill you in on the rest.''
He gave a dismissive wave of the hand, pushing up his glasses as he turned to leave. But Boris was bristling with blind fury, just about to leap at him when he saw Rei leaving as well, his steps fast as he did not want to stay in that room any more than he absolutely had to. Muttering, casting one blaming look at the corpse, the Russian followed. But before the two of them had gotten over the threshold, the second pathologist spoke.
''There is something else, Mr. Kon. Something you should know.''
The former Bladers turned around, Rei staring questioningly at her, while Boris only looked thirsty for blood.
''What is it?''
''Did you know that your father was sick?''
Silence fell upon him as her words hit him mercilessly and ruthlessly. He blinked, trying to swallow the words but to no avail as they sounded merely as lies to him. But that was absurd since she had no reason to lie and yet Rei on some level wished dearly that she had. Shaking now he tried to keep the trembling of his voice minimal but lost control long before he even mouthed the words.
''S-sick?''
She nodded grimly as if this was harder for her than she thought it would be. After all she was used to bringing bad news, but it was just something with that lost look in Rei's eyes that threw her off.
''Yes. Even if the stab wounds hadn't killed him we assume he didn't have long to live anyway.''
''What – I don't understand… what disease?''
''Mr. Kon, your father had cancer gone far too long for him to be able to get treatment.''
Cancer. No, not this again. Not the very same thing that had killed his mother. As if he wasn't already having mixed feelings about the whole scenario, the whole day, his whole damn life – now cancer had to get a leading role as well? Where did it end? But it wasn't even half through, because her eyes told him that there was more to the tale.
''It might run in the family.''
And right there, right that moment, everything seemed to stop. There was no eerie, heart cutting silence left in the wake of the dead man's unmoving heart, he didn't even feel like he was dying just by being there anymore because that moment Rei wasn't sure if even his own heart was beating. He looked at her, perplexed, bewildered, mezmerised by the pure and utter detachment he was feeling – as if this was just a very bad dream.
''A frail thing, the human body. I think you should go to the hospital and check it up, Mr. Kon '' she continued and all he wished for was for her to shut up and let him run. ''I do know a good doctor, actually he's a friend of mine. Dr. Dafoe, have you heard of him?''
But there was no answer awaiting her as Rei bolted through the door.
Slightly surprised and almost a bit crestfallen the pathologist looked with wide, blinking eyes at the place where the Chinese man no longer stood and then with even more irresolution at the Russian who, with a last murdering look undoubtedly promising her a dark future, wasted no seconds and followed.
When Boris emerged in the meager, dull and lifeless corridor he didn't have to search long before he found the somewhat pathetic little bundle of black hair that sat in a personal little bubble on a bench, undoubtedly muttering nonsense. Muttering a little himself, although out of clear indignation, the Russian stepped up in front of the man glaring him into the wall with a force that would have made Nuclear Weapons bow down in shame and subjection. Of course to a bystander this would seem very harsh and more like a mental assault than anything, or a challenge to a death match – whatever gets you going – but for Boris this was just his way of offering some kind of mutated idea of comfort. He wasn't all too used to comfort, or experienced, since he had never been comforted through his life and he had never had anyone he'd really care to even bother comforting, so you don't have to be a genius on MENSA level to realize that this was not a very easy feat for him. But he tried and they say that it's the thought that counts.
Rei on the other hand didn't even acknowledge that he was there. He did know of course - the intensity of the death glare that drilled through him was enough to bring anyone out of one's stupor - that Boris was there and on some level he realized what the man was trying to do but that was all he could summon the energy to really register. This angered the Russian further and it took him a lot of self control that he didn't even know he possessed not to slap his kitten right in the face until one of them started bleeding.
''Rei'' he barked instead, not even bothering to try to sound any bit human because he knew he would fail anyway.
But the man didn't even look at him, just muttering, mumbling incoherent dribble, staring down at his own hands as he tried not to fall apart on the spot. The grey glimmered in irritation, the Falcon's jaw tensely clenched as the seconds ticked by, his fist firmly shoved into his pocket in case his self control just decided to abandon him.
''Rei, look at me.''
But Rei didn't want to look at him. He didn't want to because he knew that when he met those intense eyes of ferocious battlelust and raw, fierce power he wouldn't be able to keep it together. A straw of grass always yields under the foot of an elephant, it was the law of nature and that moment Rei was feeling very much like a grass straw. If he made eye contact, or even looked at any part of the Russian that he held so dearly, everything would come crashing down on him. The strength that the Russian seemed to radiate would just overpower him and he didn't want to start sobbing like some weak little child in front of him. Perhaps it was stupid of him to put pride before trust, but he just couldn't take being pathetic anymore. He had done that so much already, he was sick and tired of it and he knew that he couldn't subject himself to such things anylonger because it would just break him in half.
''Rei'' but Boris didn't care about that and instead snarled louder, demandingly harsh. ''Rei, I said look at me.''
Hesitantly, Rei did. And as he had thought, it didn't even take a second before the tears broke loose like he was the Niagara Falls. Boris didn't even make a face as he bawled loudly into the Russian's shirt, holding the grey haired man so tightly it was almost enough to hurt a little. The Russian looked at him in impassive silence and Rei couldn't quite figure out if this was good or not. Either it meant that the Russian found him pitiful and disgusting, or it could mean the straight opposite. This among the things he already felt added to his confusion completely stole the strength from his knees. Rei slumped into the chest but this time – this time Boris caught him.
''I'm such a horrible fucking person!'' Rei screamed into the shirt, his voice vibrating through the Russian like electricity.
Boris held his grip tight to make sure that the Tiger wouldn't fall away from him, nearly crushing the spine beneath the skin.
''Why? Did you do it?''
That was the thing with Boris. Direct, blunt, provocative honesty. It was hurtful to a malicious point and made the person subjected to it so infuriatingly mad, but also it got to the point faster than any other approach Rei had ever encountered. With just five simple words Boris had stopped the flowing tears momentarily, causing him to stare up into the Russian's face with a mingled expression of hurt, disorientation and… relief.
He didn't know exactly what to feel about the situation. A part of him was laughing, smiling, so brilliantly glad that Jung was dead and yet another part of him felt so completely disgusting and horrible because of that. Partially, he felt guilty as well. If Rei hadn't denied his father residence, would the man still be alive? If he had done something, anything, would things be different? Then why did he even worry? It wasn't right to feel sorry for the man who made his own life as well as his mother's a living hell for several years, was it? A father was supposed to love but Jung had failed to do this, so was it then Rei's duty to love for the both of them or… what was he supposed to feel? What was he supposed to do? Rei didn't know and that, more than anything, frightened him.
Maybe Boris saw this in his eyes, maybe he didn't. But the Russian didn't really need to know any of that anyway, because what he could see was that Rei was going out of his mind over nothing. Because that was what it was. A monster got what he deserved – or no, not entirely, in the Falcon's eyes the man deserved so much worse. But he would never admit that, not to anyone. But he still found Rei's behavior unfounded, needles, pointless, a waste of breath and energy.
''Kitten'' he said, holding the other just a little bit closer. ''Shut up.''
Rei bit his lip, sighing as he sank into the warm chest which felt so abnormal, so out of place in that cold and cruel place. He let out a last heartbroken sob before recomposing himself again, not wanting to break the embrace but in the need to. He didn't want to stay there any longer, he had no reason to. The man that laid there was not his father, had never been and would never have been able too. It was just a man living in his life, destroying it with his bare hands. Rei had no obligation to do anything about the death, the only thing within his responsibility was to get his own life back together.
''Let's just… let's just go?''
Boris nodded.
''I never thought you'd ask.''
X
Finally back home Rei had not had the strength to do anything but fall into the messy bed and lie there, staring into nothing for hours. Boris hadn't tried to talk to him or bring him out of his haze, he didn't feel the need to. Sometimes it was best to just let people be. But he did get bored after the first few hours, staring at an old western movie he didn't even know what it was about. Finally he had resigned to bed himself, lying down behind Rei, holding him without even considering why. It seemed as if the day had been drained of all thought and emotion, left as nothing but a cold vacuum of time that moved just a tad too slow. His mind was running off into daydreams, silent thoughts which he didn't even know had lain beneath the surface of his emotional walls. Rei himself had been so silent that for a moment the Russian even forgot the man was there.
Then suddenly, Rei let out a loud, tired sigh.
''Should I..? Do you..?'' but he couldn't bring himself to speak, his throat so dry the words stuck in mid sentence.
Boris buried his face in his neck, breathing calmly, calmer than he had ever done before.
''I may be a man of many talents'' he mumbled as aloof as always. ''But mind-reading isn't one of them.''
Rei stiffened, biting his lip momentarily as he thought the words over carefully. He didn't really want to voice them because doing so felt like making them real, turning them into problems he actually had to deal with. And for the moment he didn't feel strong enough to deal with anything. But he knew that was stupid, they wouldn't just leave him be just because he ignored them. Instead they would build up inside of him and in time destroy him from within. And even though Boris might not have noticed it himself, just the fact that the man was even there at all – not even laughing at Rei's vulnerability – was the closest thing to an act of support that the Falcon had ever gotten. Rei wasn't alone, for the first time in years someone was actually there for him and to let that slip away… no, the sooner he got things cleared up, the better.
''Should I go see the doctor?'' he finally blurted out, taking in a deep breath as he did so.
''You mean for the cancer?''
That direct honesty never ceased to amaze him.
''Yes… I mean… it seems to run in the family so…''
''Better safe than sorry?''
The Tiger swallowed.
''Yeah…''
''You should do it.''
''But what if… what if it's…''
''Positive?''
Rei couldn't bring himself to answer, his eyes tightly shut as he tried to keep shivers from ruling his body. As he failed to do this, he was relieved to feel the arms around him tighten the grip further. Boris grunted into his neck, the warm breath welcomed as it seemed to be the only thing keeping Rei from going completely cold inside.
''If it's positive then there's not much to do about it.''
Boris felt a strong shiver from the Tiger who still said nothing, as if he had already received his judgment.
''But'' Boris added ''if we discover it sooner we have a bigger chance of curing it, don't we?''
''I… suppose.''
''But that is if you have cancer. Just because your parents had it doesn't mean you will.''
Rei turned around then, those golden eyes piercing Boris with the chaos of emotions ruling Rei's mind, tearing at his heart like mad lions. Boris for the first time in his entire life felt something inside of him sink.
''With my luck I wouldn't hope too much'' he said and his voice was laced with so much defeat Boris felt something inside of him blaze up.
Giving the Chinese a very harsh and reprimanding look he turned Rei around fully to face him.
''Enough already!'' The Falcon snarled ''It wasn't your fault that they died, it isn't your responsibility and drowning yourself in self-pity will only take you so far. Get a grip, call that fucking asshole of a doctor or I'll drag you over there!''
Rei stared at him in mute shock, blinking a few times as the words sank in. No one ever acted so tactlessly, so ruthlessly, when trying to comfort him. Sure, Kai had lectured him quite a lot through their teenage years but Boris was so much fiercer, so much wilder. And that moment it was exactly what he needed. Smiling the smallest, saddest smile, he surprised the other man with a peck on the cheek. Boris glared suspiciously at him, which only made the smile grow and in turn, it looked so much sadder.
''Didn't you say it was time to stop running?'' the Russian muttered morosely, wiping his cheek.
''I…''
''What are you so afraid of? You're a White Tiger, aren't you?''
There were a lot of things he was afraid of. Going to the doctor, finding out the results, the chance of actually having cancer or in great risk of developing it, losing everything that he held dear and perhaps most of all, he was fearing that Boris might not be there forever. White Tiger or not, for the moment Rei felt about as harmless as a newborn kitten. Boris saw the tumult in the amber eyes, muttering under his breath as he summoned as much strength as possible to bring the Tiger closer without crushing him completely.
''How the hell can you stand me?'' Rei couldn't hold back the sobs that broke out of his throat this time. ''I'm so weak… so pathetic…''
''I have no idea.''
Silence then fell upon them and they lay there, in complete darkness, silent tears slipping uncontrollably down Rei's cheeks. Boris didn't mention it, didn't even comment it. On some level he enjoyed it, for once he felt like he wasn't the pathetic, vulnerable alcoholic weakling. For once he wasn't the one to embrace, for once he wasn't the one protected. He was superior again and even though it made him a bit of a jerk, he didn't care. He had given up trying to figure out just why and how Rei made him act, think, speak and feel like he did. Maybe somewhere, deep down, sadly enough he was still human and in a way, it was a bit of a triumph against the Abbey who had tried to turn him into nothing more than a killing machine. Maybe somewhere in his subconscious this was a victory. Or he had just gone completely insane, whatever, it was all the same pointless conclusion in the end.
''You weren't born to run, Rei.''
''I know…''
He wanted to say I love you, wanted to thank him for being there, holding him, kissing him, not laughing at him but simply just being silent. But Rei didn't, he didn't want to risk another fight. Even though it was slightly sad that he couldn't even say those three words to the one he was practically living for, it was enough that the Russian was even there at all during his weakest moment. However absurd that was, the rest wasn't important anymore. It hadn't been in a long, long time.
''How did you do it?''
''What?''
Rei thought his words over carefully at first, before closing his eyes as he buried his face in the man's neck.
''How did you make it through the Abbey?'' came the muffled words vibrating against his skin. ''I mean, I saw what they did, a part of it at least but you… you lived there. You grew up there. Didn't it… didn't it ever become too much?''
''I don't know.'' Boris answered truthfully, not even pausing for consideration because he knew the answer all too well already. ''I can't remember.''
''Can't remember? Boris, that was basically a damn concentration camp! How could you not remember?''
''Because I chose not to.''
Silence as Rei thought the answer over, analyzing it as much as he had the energy for. Sighing in defeat and slight exasperation, he fought hard to find the proper way to voice his thoughts without ending it all with a fight. He just really couldn't bother with such things at the time, he didn't even have the strength to bicker.
''I just… I mean in the end, deep down I couldn't really be mad at you or… the others. The stolen Bitbeasts, the murderous intent in your battles… It wasn't your fault.''
Boris sighed as well.
''What are you trying to get at, Rei?''
''I… I just…'' he didn't continue for another minute or so, before biting his lip in resignation, succumbing to the chaos inside of him. ''Do you ever miss your parents?''
The grey eyes stared down at him in slight confusion and surprise, searching the Chinese's face for any answer or hint as to what he was thinking. But he found nothing but sincerity in the amber eyes and sadness on those soft lips. Finally he had to break the eye contact again as he found it harder and harder to resist the urge to reach out and touch him.
''No. I don't even remember them.''
''Not at all?'' Rei sounded sad in some way, disappointed even.
''The only family I've ever had is Yuriy and the guys. And I don't miss them.''
''Hn…'' Rei lamented, drifting away into his thoughts once more.
The moment stretched to a point where Boris had even forgotten Rei was even there at all but he hid his surprise well as he felt the other man move. Rei shifted before he sat up, staring out into nothing as if somewhere else in his mind than in his body. Something irked inside of Boris as he found himself wondering exactly where that was. Sighing, the Russian sullen and annoyed got himself out of bed only to dive back into it a few moments later, but this time undressed. Rei watched the man curiously, wondering if he was tiring him out. Boris caught his eyes and scoffed, before pulling the quilt to cover him completely.
''If you're going to be about as fun as a used condom, then I can as well get some sleep.'' He explained and ignored the pointed stare he received.
It was true, though. He needed some sleep. The Gods knew he hadn't gotten any in a very long time. The side effects were there, always lingering around him like shattered glass that he couldn't avoid no matter how hard he tried or how carefully planned his steps were. Some days the effects were milder than others, on some nights he even managed to sleep a little. But it had, even though his pride refused to admit it, worn him out and he felt that this night was going to be a good night because all the excitement from the day seemed to have drained even him from insomnia.
But as he turned around, he was surprised to find slim arms snaking their way around his torso and waist, warm breath dancing across his neck as a nose buried itself in his skin. For the first time in what seemed like ages there was warmth, a calm sense of tranquility rocking him further and further away from the waken realm. A lullaby of breaths and heartbeats in rhythm with his own softening the sharp edges of his headache and the bothersome exhaustion in his muscles.
''Wo Ai Ni.''
The Russian grunted, not sure if he had heard right since Rei had spoken so softly in his ear it had almost been inaudible.
''What was that?''
And even though Boris could not see it, he felt Rei smile.
''Nothing. Just… nothing.''
I love you.