We ended up in my room, awkwardly arranged on my bed. Both of us too tall to completely fit on it together, our legs were cramped. My head was resting on his chest, shoulders half curved, our hands intertwined lying on my stomach. Our tears dry neither of us would readily admit we'd been crying. Chris and I laid there for a couples minutes trying to regain composer enough to talk.
"I'm sorry I've been such a jackass." His chest vibrated under me. I couldn't deny that statement, but I'd done my own fair share of being a jerk. "I ruined our whole friendship." I could tell there was another lump starting to clog his throat. "Shit I ruin everything, I'm just one be screw up." Heavy breaths were under me. I squeezed his hand.
"Man, don't cry, you're not a screw up. C'mon Chris." I tried to be kind and reassuring, trying to be a friend. I was going to comfort him like he hadn't stomped all over my feelings more that once. Chris took in a big breath, and held it there for a while. "I've had my share of being an asshole. At least you weren't drinking yourself stupid because of jealousy. God damn it! All we do give and take Chris. You get your moments of denial and get my fits of fear for losing me best friend."
After my quiet outburst he was still, just breathing shallowly, I was about to elbow him to see if he was awake, when he cleared his throat, as if asking if I needed to get more out. "Chris, didn't you ever realized before you made the dumb choice to tackle me and kiss me that if we weren't together like that, we wouldn't even be able to be friends? Did you think about that with Marlene? Or when you were trying to shove me away in the woods with Jenny and Judy? That if we weren't you know, whatever the hell this is," I jiggled our hands to make a point, "that we wouldn't be friends anymore. That it would be weird of painful?" I stopped my rant and tilted my head back to try and get a glance at his face; I could barely make anything out through the dark.
"Gordie, all we do is fight. Ever since this summer, we've been back and forth. Why can't it be easy anymore?" He was really struggling with it.
"Because you want to be normal, and I want you to be mine." Slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. "I'm tried of arguing with you over girls, of chasing you, of being sorry and feeling like an asshole." I fumed, I was sick and tired of feeling like a jerk for everything I did to him.
He huffed, obviously feeling guilty for getting us into this. "Gordie, I don't know what to do. It's only December, we have to get out of here before we can you know." I didn't know what he meant.
"You know what?" I asked.
"You know, be together. Gordo, they'd hang us from trees here if anyone found out. It's just be safer to be friends right now." Chris explained calmly, I however was slightly panicking.
"That's what we are Chambers, we're friends that's why we aren't hanging for a damn tree right now. " I informed him.
"All I'm saying is maybe we should let things cool off." His voice was going monotone something was up. I sat up and looked at him, my eyebrows raised.
"What the hell have we been doing since that little sleazy girl came along, minus the night you couldn't keep your fucking hormones in check and ran over here for a fix?" I was pissed. If we kept going like we were this friendship was going to crack under the strain. "And what the hell was that on the couch down stairs, was that you plan of letting things cool off?" Chris sat up surprised at my tone.
"Gordie, just-"
"Just what Chris? If we have to get out, why couldn't you wait for your little kiss until after graduation and just saved us the heart ache?" My arms were crossed. There we go fighting again, trouble was all it was. I was trying to keep my voice low to avoid waking my parents up.
"I know you're pissed, but, but what else are we going to do?"
"I'll tell you what, Chambers your going to act like your typical self and chase after the girls, and I'll just sink farther into unpopularity until I get my diploma, and we'll just go our separate ways." I was serious, I didn't want to 'cool off' or take a break, we needed to figure things out or this was going to end horribly.
He was silent for a long time. I was on the verge of shoving him out of my room so I could be upset and act like a girl while he felt like the bastard he was. "Are you breaking up with me?" Shocked by the word choice my brain took a second to come back with something and when it did anger was behind it.
"Are you saying we're in a relationship?" He crumbled at that, doubling over in guilt, and pity panged in my stomach, I wanted to reach out and comfort him, pat his back or something, but I was too upset to let myself do that.
"Gordie, I-I fuck, I love you. That's all I know, and I just don't want to get beat to death and I don't want to be called a faggot or a queer, I just want to g-getting the hell out of here and have my best friend right there with me. I don't know what we are, it's too stupid to call us a couple because were more than that."
I was speechless in the dark and all I could do was choke up and let him hug me, fucking Chris Chamber made me cry like a little girl when I was so pissed off.