From behind the menu I look at Edward swiftly and get busted at once because he's already looking at me.
"So this is..." he trails off.
"Nice," I fill in.
He raises one eyebrow.
"Yeah. Nice."
For the first time I actually find Edward... Cute. There. I said it. I didn't quite think he had it in him, but it turns out he's pretty cute as well as devilishly handsome. It's the extra effort I find cute, to be more precise. He's always impeccably dressed, but tonight I can tell his thought was "date". It's not so much the clothes. After all how much more dressed up can he actually get from his everday attire? He usually wears a jacket and a tie even then. Sometimes white shirt and black tie. He would have to go fullblown tux in order to truly show that he dressed up.
It's the hair.
Usually it's unruly. Now it's styled. Making him look even more impeccable of course. I don't mind his messy hair. Or Sex hair, as he's also "secretly" called at the office. We can't very well go around and actually say it out loud although I could have sworn I heard June call him that to his face the other day. She blushed red like a tomato straight after, but for some reason Edward didn't notice. Well to be honest I'm sure he noticed but decided to spare June the humiliation.
Now it's not unruly at all, but I do intend to run my fingers through it and mess it up again later tonight.
Myself I also tried to step up by wearing deadly heels and a red dress. Yes. Red. I also let my hair down. From the look Edward gave me upon seeing me earlier tonight he likes it. Then he clarified his approval to me more verbally and then fysically as well by kissing me senseless. I gotta say he's pretty good at giving compliments, that man.
So now we're sitting on opposite sides of a table in a restaurant with romantic dim lighting and soft live piano music. This is a place where lovers come to look deeply into each other's eyes. A place where food becomes secondary, but is of course top notch and very expensive. I'm afraid that all of this is putting Edward off, making him feel like a fish out of water, although he picked the restaurant himself.
"We don't have to do it this way," I say. "We don't have to be cheesy."
"What do you have in mind then? We stay locked in all the time. Your place or mine, just having sex all day and all night.." He's teasing now and chuckles lowly when he notices my facial expression which he seems to have interpreted as outraged, when really I'm more intrigued than anything.
"I want to do this the cheesy way," he adds, eyes softening a bit.
Wow. Edward saying the word "cheesy" seriously. Never thought I'd hear that.
"But if I go weird Swan..."
"It has nothing to do with me," I fill in casually. "Although this whole having dinner thing doesn't single out that other option you mentioned either," I add.
"Good to know," he winks at me. "So you believe me when I say it has nothing to do with you?"
"Of course. I trust you."
He looks surprised at that.
"I didn't expect it to be that easy to earn your trust," he confesses having a sip of wine.
"It's the great sex," I say and he almost chokes on his drink.
I wink at him and he laughs out loud.
See, two can play this game.
We've only been dating for a week and we haven't been on an official date until now. That is dinner and drinks, which we've done before, but that was Before. Before this mutual agreement.
Rose is over the moon that we're dating brothers. Apparently that's a very good thing. "Bells, they're brothers and they're both hot!" she's said several times in the last week. I'm not sure what she means by that, unless... Actually, I have no idea what she means by that. The important thing though is Rose is very happy with Emmett and she got a facial expression I've never seen on her before when I told her about how Emmett had showed up at Edward's place loudly declaring that he was going to marry her and that she was his unborn babies' mama.
She liked that. A lot.
I'm very happy too. I have a good feeling about Edward and I. It just sounds right. Edward and Bella. Bella and Edward.
Sure he's got some issues - he's told me so, but he's ready to leave them behind. I hope that means he's actually going to work through them and not just pretend like they don't exist. That never seems to be a very good idea. He's not ready to talk about whatever makes him "weird" as he likes to put it, but I'm determined not to be hurt by that or push him to reveal things he's not ready to reveal.
He's perfectly honest about what kind of issues he's dealing with though. Trust issues. He said it's a life time of "stuff" and it's hard to change but he wants it to change and that's what's new for him. I am curious though about what this life time of "stuff" means. What happened to him that made him shy away from any kind of romantic commitment up until now? At the same time I'm happy that he wants to try this with me.
In turn though all of this makes it easy for me to trust Edward. If I trust him he'll eventually realize that it's okay to trust me. If you look at what happened between me and James it should be harder to earn my trust than this as he said, but then again I'm a hopeless romantic and I'll always get back in the saddle sooner or later even though I tell myself that "THIS is the last time" but how many of us haven't thought that after a failed relationship?
Edward said he might need me to be patient at times, but so far so good. We're having a great time now and during dessert he tricks me into telling him all about my awkward time in High school. How we ever got into that subject I don't know, but Mike Newton is being mentioned here and Edward teases me about that.
"I'll probably have to fend him off next time he visits. It seems like that poor boy still has a crush on you."
I scoff at that, at the same time picturing Edward "fending him off". Hilarious.
"And Jacob Black," he adds a bit more darkly.
"Mike has a crush on Jacob Black?" I joke.
Edward raises his eyebrows like "really?" I laugh.
"He'll get over it. Meanwhile you have a lot of girls crushing on you," I say switching the focus from me to him. "Like our boss."
"What can I say? Bosses seem to have a thing for me," he says cockily.
"You're very modest so maybe that's why," I say sarcastically. "And technically I'm not your boss, but your superior."
"And I have no problems taking orders from you."
His suggestive tone makes me blush.
We stay a bit longer before Edward pays (ignoring my offer to do so) and then we leave. We head outside and I wonder briefly if he's going to hold my hand, but he's got his hands down the pockets of his jacket which makes the good old trick a bit hard (the one where you walk real close and "accidentally let your hands collide). Some people think holding hands is more intimate than sex. I get it. Kind of. Those are the kind of limits friends with benefits tamper with.
But we are not friends with benefits. However I still get a bad feeling in my gut that I try my best to fight off. We are so not that. Edward needs time, that's all.
We go to his place and I'm glad that sex this particular night feels like it's not just about sex. I need a small confirmation that we're evolving, not only by going to dinner and actually talking but intimately as well. We're not rushing tonight and it's not aggressive in any way. I guess I can describe it a bit more cheesy: we make love. A phrase that usually makes me cringe, but it's the most fitting one to what we do tonight. There's eye contact and lingering caresses. I realize that despite my initial stubborn resistance for Edward and my silly promise never to fall for his "womanizing ways" I have not only fallen for him, but also come to care for him.
After, I pull on his dress shirt and head to the bathroom to freshen up. When I come back Edward's eyes are on me at once. It's like his eyes haven't left the doorway, just waiting for me to come back. I'm flattered by this attention and especially by the smile on his face. It's a smile that pretty much says "get your ass back in bed" and I'm not one to object so I get back in. I notice that his hair is back to being unruly and I run my fingers through it again for good measure while we kiss. Then I snuggle up against him, but notice that his previous smile has faded. He seems to be stuck in a day dream. His eyes are transfixed with the ceiling and he looks deep in thought instead.
"When you look like that, I kind of have to..." I trail off carefully. "Ask you what you're thinking."
He smiles unexpectedly turning his head slightly towards me so that I can see him better.
"I'm not going to throw a tantrum if you ask me what I'm thinking, Bella," he says amusedly.
"How about how you're feeling then?"
"Is this a test?" he asks.
"Hm."
He pulls me even closer to him and I happily snuggle into his embrace.
"I can handle it," he murmurs. "You can even get violent with me if you'd like and I'd be okay with that too."
I frown.
"That's horrible."
"It's a twisted compliment," Edward clarifies for me. "My way of saying I like you very much."
I smile.
"Thank you. So what were you thinking about when you looked at the ceiling like that?"
"Ceilings."
I jab him in the side lightly and he laughs out loud before answering:
"That was a test, by the way. Alright. I was thinking I never want to hurt you."
His answer surprises me.
"Just in general?" I ask, hoping he's going to evolve.
He sighs deeply and when he speaks again his voice is soft and his tone wary.
"I'm scared I'll screw this up."
"Hey," I say lifting my head so that he can actually see me properly.
His eyes flicker, seemingly searching my face for something and I know he's looking to be assured.
"We'll take it day by day," I say shrugging my shoulders. "No big deal. Just talk to me. If things are going too fast or if don't want me to stay over or... I don't know. You need me to wear a red scarf on Mondays or need some alone time."
"Thanks, I needed to hear that," Edward says and then frowns. "But you lost me at the red scarf."
"Oh? I was thinking maybe you have some secret compulsion disorders that somehow involve me and that you're afraid to tell me about."
He chuckles.
"No compulsion disorders."
"I have one," I say.
"Yeah?"
"Uhu. You have to kiss me. Five kisses. Right now."
He smiles crookedly.
"Bella, I'm not sure if that qualifies as a compulsion disorder but for what it's worth I'll kiss you five times anyway. I'll kiss you a hundred times."
I laugh.
"Now that's cheesy," I point out referring back to our conversation at the restaurant.
"Great. See, I'm a natural."
I'm not sure if we kiss five times after that or if it all counts as one very long kiss but I enjoy it nevertheless. My hair ends up all in Edward's face though but he doesn't seem to mind it.
"I love your hair," he compliments. "It smells like strawberries."
"My shampoo," I point out.
He hums approvingly in response. I take my hair out of his face wishing I had a hair tie, but Edward makes sure it falls all over his face again. He inhales and then exhales contently.
"I like it like this."
I shake my head at his silliness, but secretly love it.
I'm in heaven.
Covered in a duvet smelling faintly of lavender and a cosy pillow under my head. Warm and morning tired I open my eyes slowly and a bit unwillingly.
Edward is leaning in the doorway, fully dressed and quite fancily so. Wearing a white dress shirt and a grey jacket and grey pants.
Am I dreaming?
He smiles crookedly at me.
"I like watching you sleep," he says quietly, his voice so smooth it could easily lull me back to sleep.
Thats weird, I think to myself. And yet kind of hot. I feel self-conscious, hoping I don't drool or talk too much.
"You never told me what I actually said in my sleep, that time at the vineyard," I remind him not for the first time.
He smiles.
"That time at the vineyard? Yes, it was one of the times. You talk in your sleep a lot."
I pull the duvet over my head, hiding. God knows what I could be saying. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid I'm convinced they're real. Considering I spend a lot of my waking hours thinking about Edward I can only imagine that a chunk of it must invade my dreams as well.
He pulls down the duvet and I peer back at him.
"Mind if I get in there with you?"
"You could, but there's a no shirt policy here," I answer smiling.
He shrugs out of his jacket and his shirt follows suit. He throws them on the floor. He's only wearing the dress pants now and I open the covers. He gets right in and puts his arms around me in a tight embrace.
"Where have you been?" I ask him curiously.
"Just an errand," he murmurs into the crook of my neck. "I would've much rather stayed in bed with you."
"Let's make up for lost time," I suggest.
I feel him smile against my neck before he leans in to kiss me.
I go back to my place sometime that afternoon, feeling like I'm walking on clouds. I look around me and notice how pretty everything is. It's the end of May now and summer is just around the corner. The trees are vibrantly green and people are in their tracksuits everywhere outside enjoying the weather.
When I get home I pour myself a glass of orange juice and sit down in the kitchen. For the first time in a while I think about James.
I dated the guy for six years and accepted his proposal with genuine emotion. I was ready to climb a freakin' mountain just to marry him. I even bought the equipment.
I think back upon when I first meet him and about the other few men I've dated. I remember the thrill I've felt every time, but no thrill in the past comes anywhere close to what I'm experiencing now. It's different with Edward. The butterflies in my stomach have transformed into freakin' fireworks everytime he looks at me or kisses me. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I can't help wondering.
Could it be that I've found my man? The one I'm supposed to be with?
So... What do you guys think Edward is hiding? Or is he hiding anything at all?
Someone who reviewed as guest (thanks for leaving a review btw!) asked me if I have a schedule for my updates or just update whenever. I think we can all establish that I update whenever and that it's not nearly often enough *hangs head in shame* I'm so sorry about that!
As usual thank you all so much for reading and reviewing! :)