Camp Hill, 2015, 7th of January
"My name is ... Alice." Maybe yes, but probably no. Anyway I should get used to it cause one week after my waking up I still wasn't able to get my memory back. Doctor Susan, or rather Sue, during last week had told me so many times that it had been normal, but still I had been afraid. I felt so lost and confused without my memories, even more because of the fact that not only I didn't remember anybody but also nobody could remember me, cause they didn't know me. They hadn't known me before the accident. Yesterday Susan had given me some report with research. It was clear that nobody had been looking for me. "So who am I?", that question was my constant companion. Didn't I have any family, friends, close ones, nobody? Nobody interested in where I was and what was happening to me? It was devastating and horrible thought and unfortunately probably it was true at the same time.
During last week I had all medical tests completed. Susan had translated these results from medical to normal language for me. According to numbers and diagrams everything was alright, I was healthy. There was no brain damage at all and only one little detail was wrong – I had lost my memory. According to the doctors there could be two reasons for that. First of all I had been in coma for quite long time and the second possible reason was connected with that accident itself, it could have caused some psychological aftermath and I had pushed it outside my mind with everything else. I didn't know. I only cared about result, not reasons. I wanted to get back to know who I was and to find somebody, anybody from my past. During coma, or maybe even before I had had that dream. When I had woken up, I had been reminding it for few minutes, but now it was foggy. I wasn't sure what it was exactly about – some empty halls, girl in white dress, but there was no face, I used to hear some song but couldn't repeat nor melody nor lyrics. It was one more question mark in my mind.
Yesterday Susan had told me that in few days, after session with psychologist I would be ready to leave hospital. But where I should go then? I was terrified and alone. I didn't want to spend whole day in bed, there was no need for that, but what else could I do in hospital? At the same time I wanted to run away from that trap and stay there, cause outside I could be even more lost. I stood up from the bed to look out from the window. On the cupboard I noticed iPod, which Sue had given to me before to help me cope with loneliness and silence in that room. I picked up the first song from the list.
It's like you're screaming We found love in a hopeless place
And no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without him you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless
but nothing can save you
And when it's over and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good.
We found love in a hopeless place
…
I didn't know that one, or maybe simply didn't remember. Like everything else.
Only one light point in everything what was happening, it was Sue. I didn't know why, but she was so nice. Everybody there was nice and caring, but she was acting somehow different. I couldn't find right words to describe it – maybe she was acting a little more personally, like she knew me not only as her patient, but maybe as a friend … or maybe she was just so devoted doctor. But how could any stranger, her patient expect to get so many hours of reading, telling stories, picking up music, and all of that from doctor ... It was confusing, but in nice way.
Yellow diamonds in the light We found love in a hopeless place
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
- Hello Beauty!
Some man came in with big smile on his face. I was searching my mind to find the answer "Do I know him? What is his name?" And I got it. It was Danny. Susan had introduced us before. It was truly amazing feeling to remember somebody's name.
- Hi Danny, it's nice that you come, I'm so lonely here.
- It's all my pleasure. I miss your fabulous body. That's the most important reason for my visit. – He winked. I looked at him suspiciously but then laughed. After only few seconds I felt comfortable around him.
- Have you spent a lot of time there while I was asleep?
- I was coming to you twice or three times a week for rehabilitation. But don't be afraid I was joking about your fabulous body.
- So now you think that it is not fabulous? – Maybe I sounded a little too flirty, but it was not my intention.
- Of course it is! But I don't want to look like some pervert, who covers under rehabber uniform.
- Ok, ok. It's forgiven.
- And one thing must be specified, most of that time we were not alone here.
- So they know about your actions and have an eye on you?
- I'm good at hiding my perversion but it was rather coincidental. Sue was there so often, that it was hard to get you alone.
I didn't know if he was joking or trying to defend himself. I wasn't afraid of his unprofessional touch. Even if it had happened, I couldn't remember that so it didn't matter at all.
- So doctor … I mean Susan she really was so regular visitor here?
- She wasn't visiting, she was almost leaving there. During work, after, before, even at Christmas. She was spending all of her free time in that room.
- But why? – I was so curious about that. I hoped that maybe she was somebody from my past and that was the reason why she cared for me.
- You should ask her, not me. I don't know her so well. But people here, in hospital, tell that she has gone through some horrible personal tragedy so maybe ...
- Don't be a gossiper, ok? I don't want to start some gossips, I just want to thank her. And I want to thank you, I don't have any problems with moving, coordinating. You have done great job.
- You are welcome, Alice. But wait, could I still call you that way?
- Yes, unfortunately in the matter of my memories it's still a failure.
- Don't worry. It will be ok.
- I hope so.
- We are having that nice chat and I've almost forgotten why I came here in the first place.
- So didn't you come only to see me? I'm disappointed.
- Yes, of course, that was the most important reason, but I have also some paper work to finish before your excerpt.
He took some reports from cupboard and spent few minutes in silent, filling them. I was looking at him, but my thoughts went in different direction – what tragedy he was talking about. I was curious and concerned but I didn't want to make something against Susan, she was too good for me, so I definitely wouldn't ask her, but …
- Ok, it's completed. – Danny brought me back from my inner dialogue.
- What?
- From my point of view you are ready to leave that unfamiliar place and go to conquer the world.
- Great.
- Will you miss that room or what? – He asked as if he noticed my strange expression.
- No, nothing. I'm happy. Thank you for taking good care of my muscles.
- It was a pleasure.
We said goodbye to each other, he asked for one hug and then left.
Last week had been crazy. Since Alice had woken up I had been more focused on her than ever. I had been overwhelmed by all tests we could take, by organizing psychologist therapy, I had been taking care of formal issues, cause as long as she wouldn't be identified, there would be a lot of things to completed. I had contacted transport company to define how at that situation she could get her compensation for accident. I had a lot of things done – appointment of the meeting with transport company for next week, I had found the best psychologist in Pennsylvania, specialized in after coma memory loss. He had been appointed for today at 1 PM. I had been focused on her but at the same time I had been trying to spend not so much time with her cause I had been afraid of feeling of emptiness which could hit me after her departure from hospital.
So I was sitting in my office making list of things to finish before that day – clothes, she needed clothes, some place to stay, daily psychologist therapy, financial matters, temporary ID and driving license …
- Hello Susie Q. – My planning was interrupted by Lindsay.
- Hi Linds, what's up?
- Nothing, I'm just checking on you. How are you doing?
- Ok but I'm busy at the moment.
- And was that the reason for missing our jogging session yesterday?
- Probably yes.
- It's a shame. And why are you so busy, huh?
- I'm preparing everything for Alice's departure.
- I see. It's hard situation, she has lost her memory, there is nobody around who knows her and can help her …
I took that opportunity to explain and justify my actions. To make clear that my reasons were simple and there was nothing hidden behind.
- And that's why I'm helping her. I want to organize all financial and formal issues for her, so she will be able to focus on getting better with her psychological health.
- You are an angel Sue, don't you know that?
- No way. I'm selfish.
I told that without consideration, but in fact maybe deliberately. It could start unwelcome talk, but I should be able to clear that or maybe I should be honest, after all, my actions probably had been obvious for everybody. Of course not that part, which included kissing Alice, but everybody there probably had been talking about poor, lonely Sue, who finally had gotten somebody to care about and to take her pain away.
- What can be selfish in helping her?
- I have something to focus on. Somebody to take care about. It's important for me.
She was silent. It was first deep and important sentence I had told her for ages. I was honest with her and she obviously appreciated it.
- You are great person Sue, don't let anybody, including you, think otherwise.
She came closer and unexpectedly hugged me. It was … it was just simple and so warming. Amazing, long forgotten feeling of closure.
- Thank you Linds. You are my best friend. Thank you.
- You are welcome. I'm happy to be friend of such a wonderful person. But going back to Alice's case, her situation without family, without memory, ID, money, place to go ... it's horrible.
- One thing that I could make easier for her is money issue, I have form for temporary ID and we will fulfill it today, and next week people from that bus company will come here to finish formalities connected with compensation for accident. So she will have temporary ID and money for the start.
- And where do you think she should go?
- I will talk to her about that, I could book some room for her, somewhere in the city, she shouldn't leave Camp Hill now, without memory.
- Or maybe find her some free room at family house, she shouldn't be alone now, in some empty hotel's room.
- You are right Linds, but where could I find that room, I don't know any ... – "Wait, wait! It is brilliant!" I said to myself. I had not thought about that before but it was so obvious. – Thank you Linds.
- For what?
- You gave me the best idea for her living arrangements! – I was so excited. It was amazing opportunity to … I didn't know exactly what did I want to get from that, maybe delay of emptiness, but anyway I was thrilled about that idea.
- What exactly are you grateful for, any details?
- I will offer her one floor in my house, attic is furnished but hasn't been used for ages, it has also separate entrance so it will be perfect.
- It wasn't my ideas, Sue. And I won't be so sure if it is good solution. – She was looking at me with anxiety and probably she was surprised too.
- It's perfect. – But I was sure about that idea.
- For her, yes maybe, but for you?
- I'm so alone in that big house. – After telling that I realized that I went too far in that conversation. It was getting into dangerous direction.
- But she is your patient, you shouldn't get more involved in her recovery, if you don't want to get hurt.
- Hurt by what? – I asked as if I didn't know exactly what I should be afraid of.
- By her departure, by her own life, when she reminds of the past she will leave Camp Hill, leaving you alone, even more lonely, don't you think?
- No, maybe if it works well, I will start to rent that part of house commercially, later after her departure. – What a bullshit. And Lindsay was totally right, but I just wanted anything, little something, maybe only few days, even if that could bring a lot of sorrow in the future.
Once I had heard about that idea, I had been so stock that I couldn't let go of it. It was decided, even if I would regret it later, I was determined to offer her room in my own house.
- If you are sure about it that's ok, I will not even try to change your mind. But don't say it was my idea. – She winked.
- Maybe you didn't think about that particular solution but you pushed me to invent it, so anyway thank you Linds and don't worry I'm not type of person, who blames others instead of blaming myself.
- I know. But I also don't want you to have some reasons to blame yourself. You did hurt enough.
- Come on Linds, everything is getting better now. I'm better.
I decided to end that conversation to get, as soon as possible, a chance to talk to Alice. When I entered her room she was listening to song from my iPod.
I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain
Our last summer
Memories that remain
- Will I ever be able to recall anything? – She asked me with longing gaze.
- Definitely. Head's up!
- Still the only one thing familiar for me it's your voice.
- I hope that you don't remember my singing session, cause once I've launched out and started to sing …
- I don't, but why shouldn't I?
- Cause it was horrible.
- No way, your voice is so nice.
- But I can't use it to sing.
Those crazy years, that was the time
Of the flower-power
But underneath we had a fear of flying
Of getting old, a fear of slowly dying
We took the chance
Like we were dancing our last dance
She started to sing along with ABBA, then came closer, took my hand and tried to encourage me to sing with her. I just shook my head in "no" meaning and then smiled at her widely.
- And you, Alice, you are definitely good at singing.
- Thank you, but it was risky, cause I didn't know and didn't remember either how it would work out.
- I see, but I know it about myself, so I will definitely skip every opportunity to sing in public.
- I'm not a public.
- You know what I mean. Anyway I'm here to talk to you about some important issues.
- Enough of singing, nom I'm all ears.
She opened her blue eyes wider and started to look at me carefully. Close distance between two of us was distracting me, so I had to put more effort in staying focused on things I should discuss with her.
- First of all, something we have to do to let you out of there. Without it you won't be able to function properly in the world.
- What do you mean? Should I be scared?
- No, no, it's just temporary ID. We have to fulfill it.
At that moment I realized that she was still holding my hand so I used it to pull her on the chair. I sat next to her, on the other site of small table and gave her forms. I was not ready to spend so many minutes in such a close distance to her blue eyes. They were to deep, so easy to sink in.
- Every data is only a simulation. – I assured her after noticing confusion on her face.
- But what should I write as my name, surname, birth date? – Evidently my words weren't working. She was about to start to cry.
- We have to do this, it's a standard procedure for people with unknown identity. You won't be able to go out of hospital without documents. It's really necessary.
- So maybe I should stay here?
- No, Alice, first of all it is not possible, you are no longer in need for all day long medical care and secondlyit's not good for you. You have to start your coming back to normal life.
- To what? I don't know what it was like. What it should look like.
She was so nervous, it was painful to see her in that state. I moved my chair closer to hers and embraced her.
- I'm here for you and I will help you with everything. First step it's your temporary ID. And when you get it, officials from insurance firm will come to pay you money from transport company.
- What do you mean? What money?
- Every person injured in that accident, no matter of their social status, gets some compensation from transport company. From that amount of money your stay here was paid. Cause we didn't have any information about your medical insurance. And now you will get rest of money and in the future if you proved that you had valid medical insurance you would be able to get back those money spent on hospital.
- So maybe after departing from here I will be able to pay for some place to live in meantime before I could find some work. – She smiled a little but still was devastated.
- Yes of course, Alice, it's a big amount of money, so you don't have to worry about that. Now let's start to fill that form.
- What should I write as my name?
- It's only a temporary ID. You have to be identified with some data and photo in system, to be able to use medical care, not be arrested, can rent something, get your license, just everything you need to function in society. But it's only temporary, till moment you get back your memories.
- So what should I write? Alice?
- It would be ok.
- And surname? It's not so easy … – She was definitely confused and depressed by that form. I didn't like to see her in that condition, but we had to go through that, there was no option to skip it.
- According to instruction you could invent some potential surname or ask some person to let you use his or her surname.
- Can I write yours? – She laughed. – Because I don't know anybody else to ask and I'm not into mood of inventing names.
- Ooo ... ok.
- No, Susan. I was joking, you don't have to agree. It's stupid.
- No it's not stupid. Alice Willsburn sounds very nice. Don't you think?
- Yes, indeed but I shouldn't. It's inappropriate to borrow your name … I will think about it later, but what's about my age? It's even harder. I'm quite young, but how old, what do you think Sue?
- According to your medical results you are between 18 and 28 years old. – I tried to be serious, I had to stop myself from laughing. She was making funny faces in front of the mirror probably to prove that she was young, crazy teenager or maybe she was searching for wrinkles.
- You could testify it with medical apparatuses?
- No, it's only some brain age tests. But as you look at yourself in the mirror, you could easily see that 22 is the upper limit.
- You are joking, Sue, right? I'm not older than 20, I should be mad at you for that. – She started to laugh freely ... and I joined her. It was so nice to laugh with her, to laugh with somebody.
- So write down 20 here. I'm sure that somehow I could prove it with medical theories. And now only your signature, your identifying number will be added automatically and we have to send photo with it. Could I take it now?
- Now?! I don't have any make-up.
- You don't need it!
She shook her head with disbelief but let me take photo with my cell phone.
- Ok, so ID is almost ready. Remember to add surname. Now, in about 30 minutes you will have meeting with doctor Antonio Cavanagh, he is one of the best psychologist in our state, he has many successes in bringing memory back.
- That's great. I can't wait. Sue?
- Hmm?
- Do you think that there is some internet cafe or something, just to let me use internet.
- I can give you my notebook if you need it, it has wireless Internet. I don't use it here, I have another one at home and here I have also my private second one. So it's not a problem.
- No, it's too much ... Susan, you are doing too much for me.
- Helping somebody, can't be too much.
- But I feel embarrassed, and there is no way I can thank you.
- You can thank me by feeling better, it's what doctors are for.
- You are too good to me. I don't deserve that.
- Don't say that. You deserve to have somebody to care for you. And I play that role, ok?
- Ok … I'm so grateful for everything you have done for me.
- You are welcome.
I felt uncomfortable with her words, cause I knew my own benefits from helping her. I went out and came back to her with my laptop in 5 minutes.
- Here you go.
- Thank you again. – She came closer and kissed me on the cheek. I jumped slightly, feeling that I was blushing. I had to say something, quickly, to cover my embarrassment.
- While surfing on Internet don't forget about meeting with doctor Cavanagh.
- Of course, I won't. I just want later, in free time, to look for some hotels or rooms in neighborhood. Now I'm not ready to leave Camp Hill, I don't know where I could go so I have to find some place to live, here in the city.
- Yes I know, I have thought about it before.
- You have thought about everything I see.
I considered that for the last time "Should I offer her that or not? Will it be too much? Could she feel trapped by my care? Is it appropriate? Is it the first time in my life when I don't care about what people could think about my actions? Should I? Am I doing it for her or for myself? Stop Susan, just ask her!"
- To make it clear, it's only an option, if you don't want it, it will be ok. I won't be mad or anything.
- Ok, so what is about?
- I have really big house, most of it is empty, I use few rooms and one whole floor about 80 m2, is totally unused, there is one bedroom, living room and bathroom and separate entrance, it used to be ... it doesn't matter anyway, it's empty now.
- Are you looking for some new tenants?
- Yes, I can say so.
- Wow. But do you think that I can afford it with that money from ...
- Yes, absolutely, I don't want any ... – I stopped cause I shouldn't say that I didn't want anything, cause it would be really strange. – ... I don't want any big money for that.
- It would be great, but I don't want to interrupt you or anything.
- It's impossible. It will be nice not to be alone there.
- If you said so. For me it will be nice to be close to only person I know.
- Great, so deal?
- Deal.
We didn't have more time to discuss more details. I heard knocking on door. It was doctor Antonio, I greeted him and left them alone. I was content, I felt that everything what I was doing was not so selfish after all. Alice appreciated it, it was good for her, I really could help her and at the same moment it would give me some more time with her, while I should get some idea what to do next, what should I focus on when she would go away, but I needed that time cause now I had no idea.
Two hours long talk with doctor Antonio was nice. Unfortunately it didn't bring my memory back in any magical way, but helped me to clear my mind a little. We were talking about my feelings, mostly about fear, being lost, confused. He helped me to name these feelings. Talking about them helped me to find some ideas to fight with them. He taught me how to react to emptiness. I should focus on any familiar thing and should build my peace around them. Identity was so important for everybody so lack of it could destroy us. And he showed me how to build my identity.
- You can't get your memory when you try too hard. You should relax, live and then it just will come back. If you wait you will only create more emptiness, you should fulfill your mind with new memories, new interests, new things, and then old ones will join then. You can't focus only on the past, because then you will not only don't get it back but also lose your chance for bright present time and future.
He was so intelligent and impressed me so much with these words, which were amazingly true. We tried that technique with building identity with some short psychological test. He asked me questions about simple things like my favorite color. I didn't know that, but after he showed me palette with different colors I chose the one I admired the most – the red one, I didn't know why but I thought that it was my favorite color. We did the same test with some short music fragments, then he gave me different bakes to taste.
- Of course that now we can't recreate everything from your past in that way, I just want you to understand that you can't locked yourself in some shelter waiting for your past to come back, you have to start new live and someday something will be that thing, which let you get inside your memory. Some impulse, you wouldn't be able to feel if you didn't do anything but waiting.
- Doctor, you are a genius! Now everything is clear, I have to focus on new life to get my old one.
I felt so much better after that conversation. I wanted to thank Sue for finding that man for me. Thinking about her, I had so many things to be grateful for. I wish that she could spend more time here with me, but maybe she had a lot of other patients to care about.
Lyrics used in this chapter
Rihanna "We found love"
ABBA "Our last summer"