Chapter 21

Jasper POV

When I opened my eyes the ceiling was too clean. That was unusual.

I often woke up in places I didn't recognize but they all had something familiar about them. All of them were dirty and you never were alone. Others like me always were there right next to me.

But this place was too clean, too bright and the bed was too comfortable to be one of the houses I usually ended up in. And that I was in fact laying in a bed was troubling too say the least.

And I was alone. There was no one moaning next to me or someone talking to themselves.

It looked like a hotel room. A nice one even. And no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't able to remember how I got there.

The clock on the nightstand told me it was the late afternoon. I often slept in late after falling asleep with the help of whatever drugs I could get my hands on. Hunger or nightmares woke me up most of the time. This time it was hunger.

I was about to get out of the bed and search for my things to get the hell out of here when the door opened.

Carlisle came walking into the room carrying a glass of water and a sandwich. I froze halfway still in bed and halfway out.

"Jasper! You're awake!", he said surprised. I just stared at him with big eyes.

What? Am I still high?

Of all the people I would have expected to come through that door it wasn't Carlisle.

"How are you feeling?", he asked me and put the food down on the nightstand. I still only looked at him with big eyes.

"Jasper?" He sounded worried now.

"How- how did you find me?", I blurted out suddenly. I shook my head and stood up unconsciously moving away from him towards a corner.

"Edward and Bella saw you about 2 weeks ago. And yesterday evening Emmett spotted you.", Carlisle explained gently.

"What? So you thought you could just take me with you?", I hissed. I didn't know why I even was angry all of a sudden. Some part of me was even relieved that they had found me but I was also scared they'd force me to get clean again.

"You don't remember anything?", Carlisle asked ignoring my question. I shook my head.

"Who else is here beside Emmett?", I asked dreading the answer.

"All of us.", Carlisle stated as if it was a stupid question of me to ask.

"Rose! You brought Rose with you?!", I almost yelled.

"Yes of course, Jasper! We're your family and we were all worried." I shook my head. No. No! I had spent the last year convincing myself that they didn't care. That they were better off without me and now here they were completely destroying my hard work.

"Since you left, it just isn't the same anymore. We all miss you, we all love you."

Then why didn't you believe me?

I fought the urge to make a mad dash for the door and run for the hills.

"I was so angry that you lied to me in the first place.", Carlisle said quietly. "And when I saw you in the hospital clearly on drugs I didn't think right."

I just stared at him not reacting to his words.

"I now know,", he continued "that you were telling the truth. I'm terribly sorry for my actions and what happened because of it." Carlisle sounded sincere but I still couldn't get myself to believe him completely. There were a few moments of silence. Eventually Carlisle cleared his throat.

"So... uhm. Why don't you go and take a shower and afterwards you can eat something.", he said and pointed to the sandwich on the nightstand.

I wanted to object and just leave before Rose or even worse Alice saw me but the prospect of a nice, hot shower was just too good to say no. So I nodded and disappeared inside the bathroom without another word.

Only when I locked the door behind me and the water running I allowed myself to break down. I couldn't hold it back. I started crying and sobbing. It soon turned into a full blown anxiety attack. I sat down in the tub hugging my knees and started rocking back and forth while the water was spraying down on me.

I stayed in the shower until the water turned cold and even a bit longer. Eventually I had myself somewhat back under control and got dressed again. Carlisle had put some of my old clothes from a year ago in the bathroom so I even had clean clothes for the first time in weeks and I ignored the fact that they were too big.

I desperately needed a hit. Withdrawal wasn't going to kick in for some time but this whole situation was too much. I was too sober for it. It was completely overwhelming.

But there was no way Carlisle would let me go so soon. So I did my best to prepare myself for meeting my twin and Alice and left the bathroom.

Carlisle was alone in the room. He had made the bed and now sat on it looking at me suspiciously.

"You took your time.", he said and I couldn't keep from rolling my eyes.

"Yeah well, it's been a while since my last shower.", I answered and looked at the sandwich questionably.

"Please eat!", Carlisle encouraged apparently happy with the fact that I wasn't high. I took the plate and walked towards the small table to eat.

"Rosalie will be here in 5 minutes.", Carlisle informed me and I nearly choked on the sandwich although I expected it.

"Don't you want to see her?", he asked sounding a bit disappointed.

I do!

I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer. Carlisle sighed.

I had just finished my sandwich when someone knocked at the door and my head snapped towards it. Carlisle stood up to open it and gently put his hand on my shoulder while passing me. I flinched involuntarily.

He looked at me with so much hurt in his eyes that I wanted to hide under the blankets. He sighed again and opened the door.

Rose stood in the door looking like she had cried. She wasn't crying now but her eyes were red and puffy. I winced and pressed myself further into the chair. I was glad that the table was between me and the door.

Her eyes scanned the room until they fell on me. She looked so immensely relieved it made me uncomfortable and I avoided her eyes.

"Jasper...", she said gently and quietly and came towards me. I had to suppress the urge to get up from the chair and move away from her.

I didn't know why I was so uncomfortable and scared of her reaction. I wasn't able to show how much I've missed her. My hands were shaking and I wasn't sure of it was because of anxiety or the lack of drugs in my system.

Rose looked like she wanted to come running towards me and hug me but she didn't. And I was thankful for that.

"I've missed you so much!", she said and I could hear the tears in her voice.

"I've missed you too.", I mumbled. I couldn't speak louder. I just couldn't.

"You look better now that you've showered.", Rose chuckled darkly. My head snapped up. When has she seen me before I showered? Probably while I was sleeping. I shot an accusing glare at Carlisle.

"You let her see me like that?", I hissed suddenly angry again.

"I wanted to see my brother who disappeared a year ago!", Rose snapped before Carlisle could even open his mouth. "You just left! Again! And this time we didn't even get a goodbye! Do you know how that made me feel? You're not the only one here with issues! But you're the only one running away from them!"

I stared at her with big eyes and so did Carlisle. He opened his mouth to say something.

"Jasper, I love you! We all do! When will you finally get that into that thick skull of yours? With you leaving like that, twice, I get the feeling that you don't love us back!" She was crying again and I could feel tears in my own eyes. I blinked them away before anyone could see them.

"I do love you!", I yelled back not able to keep my voice down and stood up from the chair. I was still angry and anxious.

Why did Carlisle think it was a good idea to just come her and lock me in a room with them? Did he really think that would help me in any way?

"Well, that's hard to believe when you've abandoned me for the third time.", Rose mumbled. I stumbled back as if she pushed me.

"Rosalie!", Carlisle warned sternly before I could even think of what to say. I stared at my sister with my mouth hanging open and a single tear running down my cheek. She had said she didn't blame me for getting separated. Apparently she lied.

"No.", I said shaking my head slowly and picked up the jacket that I remembered was mine that was placed on the bed.

"Where are you going?", she asked alarmed.

"I'm not gonna sit hear and listen to you telling me what a terrible brother I am. Trust me, I already know!" I walked past her towards the door but Carlisle blocked my way out.

"Jasper wait! Let's talk about this calmly."

Dr Carlisle Cullen, always the voice of reason.

"Talk about what?", I hissed turning around and throwing my arms up.

"We want you to come home with us.", he answered with a smile.

"Oh of course! Let me get my things!", I said sarcastically.

"There's no reason to get mean.", Rosalie hissed behind me.

"What makes you think I even want to come with you?", I asked ignoring her.

I really really wanted to but that wasn't the point. I just hoped they wouldn't see through my bluff. Honestly, I didn't even know myself why I was acting like that. I guess the prospect of giving up drugs was too much for me at the time.

"Really?", Carlisle asked me with a strange look in his eyes.

No!

"Yes."

Jasper you idiot!

"I don't believe you.", he said.

"Yeah well what else is new.", I hissed before I could stop myself. "I'm an adult. You can't make me come with you and you won't blackmail me into it either this time."

"No one ever blackmailed you!", Rose snapped behind me. I didn't answer her. Instead I looked at Carlisle and raised an eyebrow. He winced.

"What is he talking about, Carlisle?", she asked him sounding suspicious now.

"I threatened I'd call CPS on Peter and Charlotte when I picked him up in Aberdeen so he would come with me.", he admitted.

"Carlisle!", Rose gasped.

"I was bluffing!", he defended and I rolled my eyes.

"That doesn't matter! How would you feel of Jasper threatened Esme?", Rose asked angrily.

Why is she suddenly on my side again?

I turned to leave again and actually managed to open the door and nearly collided with a person on the other side. I froze in my tracks.

Alice stood in the hallway one hand raised as if she wanted to knock.

"Jasper!", she said and her eyes filled with tears. It almost physically hurt me to see her cry. It almost physically hurt me to see her in general.

I felt my anger leaving again by just looking at her.

"Alice!", I said like the total idiot I was. She was carrying a book and another sandwich.

I wanted to touch her. I wanted to hold her. And at the same time I didn't want to see her at all. I was scared of what she had to say. That she moved on and now had the boyfriend she deserved. That she hated me.

"Where are you going?", she asked me quietly with worry in her voice. I didn't know what to answer.

"He wants to leave. Again.", Rose answered for me in a dry voice.

"No!", Alice said angrily and pulled me back into the room. I didn't fight her. I was never able to fight her.

She pushed me down into the chair again and placed the sandwich in front of me.

"Eat!"

"I just ate."

"I don't care. You're skinny. Eat!"

So I ate. I hadn't even noticed that I was still hungry. No one said a word. They just watched me eat which was really uncomfortable.

"Could you please stop that?", I eventually said.

"Stop what?", Carlisle asked.

"Looking at me like I'm going to disappear into thin air! It's making me uncomfortable." And I'm already anxious to begin with.

I didn't say the last part.

When I was finished eating I looked at the book Alice place on the table.

'The American Civil War'

I smiled and when I looked up I could see both Alice and Rose smiling as well.

"Please Jasper! Come home with us. We just want to help you.", Alice pleaded with big eyes. My smile disappeared again. I almost, almost snapped at her. But thankfully I didn't.

Instead I just shook my head and for the first time since she came into the room looked directly into her eyes.

"I'm sorry.", I whispered. I couldn't practically see her heart break.

"So what?", Rosalie asked angrily and I winced again. "You're just going to go back to behind homeless on the streets until you die somewhere face down in a puddle?"

"Rosalie!", Carlisle warned her again. "I don't think this is helping."

"I'm just honest!", she snapped.

"No! You are yelling at your brother. I understand that you're angry but taking it out on him isn't helping, is it?", he reasoned.

"She has every right to do it, though.", I said. "After all, she hasn't said anything that isn't true." Rose paled slightly. I got up again. "And by the way, none of this is helping. It's overwhelming!"

"Jasper please!", Alice cried.

"I have to think things through. I'm sorry. This is all too much.", I said and pushed my shaking hand through my damp hair.

"You can think here!", Alice offered. I smiled sadly at her and shook my head.

"I'm not going to just let you go. At least wait until tomorrow.", Carlisle said.

"He's going to stay!", Rosalie decided.

"That's not your decision to make! I'm my own person. You can't make me do whatever you want to anymore!", I hissed.

"You. Are. Staying!", she said between clenched teeth glaring at me.

"Please." Alice looked at me with huge eyes and gently lay her hand on my chest. I didn't flinch.

"Ok.", I whispered. "Only until tomorrow."

"We'll see about that tomorrow."

None of them would leave me alone the rest of the day. Rose was still angry and Carlisle send her out to calm down. Alice decided to stay in the room with me and Carlisle.

Carlisle picked up the bag that was standing on the floor next to the door once Alice left to get more to eat. He pulled out bandages and salves.

"Roll up your sleeves please.", he said and I took a step back.

"Why?"

"Some of your track marks are infected. I don't want you to get a fever. So please let me do something about it.", he explained.

"I'm fine.", I replied holding my arms close to my chest.

"Jasper, I'm not going to hurt you. Please let me do this. Before Alice comes back.", he pleaded. To be honest, I didn't really know how bad they were. I hardly ever looked at them.

I sighed and reluctantly rolled up my sleeves. There were dozens of them. Some old, some new, some reused and some angry looking.

I looked away while Carlisle was working. It hurt but it was almost a pleasant pain, distracting me from my cravings for a moment. When he was finished he bandaged up my arms and I pulled my sleeves back down just as Alice opened the door again.

"What happened?", she asked alarmed when she caught a glimpse of the bandages.

"Nothing. Don't worry.", Carlisle reassured and she didn't ask again.

I felt trapped. Like an animal in a cage. And on top of that they treated me like a child. I wasn't sure which I preferred. Rosalie yelling at me or Carlisle and Alice only speaking in nice, quiet sentences like I would burst into tears otherwise. Both sucked.

Soon my hands started shaking more and more and I got a piercing headache. I felt like my veins were itching. Like hundreds of tiny insects were crawling under my skin. I really needed a hit before withdrawal got even worse.

Carlisle of course noticed. He looked at me with pity in his eyes and offered to help me through it. I just shook my head and rolled up on the bed.

Alice kept a distance between us all the time, careful not to come to close. Again I felt like my mind pulled me in two different directions. One part wanted her to come close, wanted to touch her and hold her. The other part wanted her to stay away.

I pressed my eyes shut to keep out the light that was making my headache worse and curled up more.

I heard Alice whispering something to Carlisle but I couldn't bring up the energy to listen. There was some shuffling and suddenly a wet and cool cloth was gently tapped onto my forehead. I flinched but didn't open my eyes.

"Shh. It's just me.", Alice whispered gently and I felt myself relaxing.

I felt drained, not just physically but also emotionally but sleep wouldn't come. But I also couldn't open my eyes. At one point I could hear the door. I guessed Carlisle must have left.

"Jasper?", Alice asked after a while.

"Hmm?"

"Don't be mad at Rosalie. She's just hurt and she missed you very much.", she whispered. I groaned and opened my eyes to look at her.

"I'm not mad.", I mumbled. I shifted on the bed until my back was leaning against the headboard.

"She just doesn't understand. None of us do.", she said and I suppressed another groan.

"Alice, I won't have this conversation now."

"Ok." There was a pause and I was about to close my eyes again.

"I brought a movie. Is it okay if we watch it or do you want to sleep?", Alice asked eventually.

"I can't sleep anyway.", I shrugged and she smiled a tiny smile and got up. While she put on the movie on her MacBook I curled up again and fought the urge to close my eyes.

But halfway through the movie I decided I was just going to listen to it. After a while I felt Alices breathing even out and when I opened my eyes again she was asleep.

I hated myself for it but I got up from the bed as carefully as I could and quietly walked to the door. I wasn't planning on leaving again. I was going to come back but withdrawal wasn't an option for me. I needed a hit and then I would come back an sleep it off. It would be like I never left. I quietly closed the door behind me.

I found my usual dealer at his usual spot and purchased my usual amount of dope.

I sat down behind a dumpster and rolled up my left sleeve. I hesitated for a few seconds upon seeing the bandage around my arm before I removed it carefully. I hesitated one last time before I pushed the needle under my skin.

It washed over me instantly. Our maybe everything washed out of me. Every pain, every itch and anxiety was replaced by a glorious feeling of bliss. I felt myself slumping against the wall behind me, my head rolling back and my eyes with it.

I lazily played with the bandage still loosely hanging from my arm. I sat there for a while unable to move simply enjoying my high.

When the first rush died down I unsteadily got back to my feet and try my best to reapply the bandage. That was pretty difficult with fingers that felt like jelly.

Once I was done I started walking back to the hotel which was thankfully not very far away. I was planning on sneaking back into the room and just enjoy my high before falling asleep. No one would know.

But when I came back the room was brightly lit and Carlisle, Rose and Alice were discussing something. The stopped abruptly when I opened the door and both looked at me with a mix of relief and disappointment.

Shit!

"Where have you been?!", Carlisle asked alarmed.

"I was just out to smoke.", I lied putting a lot of effort in my speech. It didn't work.

"You're high!", Alice screeched and I flinched.

"Jasper! Why did you do that?", Carlisle asked calmly. I just shrugged and sat down on the bed. I never said I wouldn't use. I just said I wouldn't leave until tomorrow and technically I didn't since I came back.

"Jasper?"

"Hmm?", I asked and opened my eyes. When did I close them?

"You haven't answered my question.", Carlisle pressed.

"I don't know what you want to hear. I never said I wanted to stop.", I slurred and closed my eyes again. I could hear Alice cry. I hated putting her through this. I made her cry.

"Then why bother?", someone asked and I opened my eyes to see Peter standing in the door glaring at me. He looked more mature and his hair was a bit longer.

When did he get here?

"About an hour ago. Carlisle called saying that he found you.", Peter answered my question and I frowned. Had I said that out loud?

"Why bother and even come back here if you don't want to stop?", Peter asked again.

"How's Charlotte?", I asked avoiding the question.

"Charlotte's fine. You on the other hand look like shit.", Peter said dryly. I shrugged again and chuckled darkly. No one said anything for a few seconds.

"I can't stop. I- I just- I need it.", I whispered.

"No, Jasper. I can get you the help you need. Heroin isn't helping.", Carlisle said calmly and sat down on the bed next to me. I shook my head forcefully.

"No! You don't understand. I can't sleep without it! I can't- I can't live like that! Always flinching when someone wants to touch me! I can't stay calm!"

"Jasper you don't have to live like that! Let us help you! We're here for you!", Alice cried and took my hands. I looked at her for a few seconds.

"Why?"

"Because that's what family is for.", Rose said for the first time since I came back.

I didn't say anything for a long time. Eventually I nodded.

"Okay"

A/N: There will probably only be two or three more chapters and then I'm done torturing Jasper.

Please review and tell me what you think. Until next time :)