Chapter 21 - Ya Boi's In Finland
Marry Sue and his squad of knights, social rejects, and in Gheb's case, sexual deviant and menace to society, stood outside the menacing Grado castle in the capital.
"It's been two years since I've been here….it looks so…different…"
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"And so, the hero Grado and his shitposts sealed the Demon King Tizi instead the stone of Grado, known as the Fire Emblem. For more information, check out the next volume of Exposition Monthly," Anthony read.
"It's so small…and thick….that's what she said."
"Marry Sue, please. Stop channeling mid-2000s lingo and focus, do you want Father MacGregor to beat you with a bottle of a whiskey?"
"That before or after sells me colorful cereal and goes down a rainbow?" Marry Sue asked. "Ugh, I'm sorry Anthony, books are just lame, like mimes or Buzzfeed."
"Don't be sorry, in fact I….I kinda want to be like you, Marry Sue. I am, you're just so perfect and can't do no wrong. Can you teach me how to dance like you?"
"Sounds like a plan. Get some lipstick and meet me in the Irish coot's bedroom in 20 minutes."
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"Wait don't fade out! H-How does that memory even end?"
"Artur please, this is the climactic moment! Let's go in, kill the Emperor, and get back in time to watch the homeless people fight for pocket change!"
Anthony and his father were sitting in the throne room. The latter was impassive and sat with a neutral expression, while the former paced around him.
"Have we fouled, father? To get this far….if only I had the hips for it…"
"EMERGENCY!" shouted a generic red unit. "Marry Sue and company has stormed the castle! We-!" he froze up, taking in the sinister expression on the prince's face.
"Why ze problem?" asked the prince in a weird new German accent. "You look at me az if I'm some some sort of beast, ja? Bring your weapons to attack the prince! Right, Father?"
"Jes….do as he says," Emperor Entinen said.
"U-Understood!"
"Destroy ze prince," Anthony commanded. "Destroy ze prince, Emperor!"
And with that, he warped away.
The pack quickly headed to the floor with the throne room, but enemies and two locked doors stood in their path.
"Stay sharp," Lex instructed, "they call this the reset map."
"Why do they call it the reset map?"
A random longbow arrow pierced Arthur's head, but he didn't even look upset when blood sprayed out, just really really annoyed.
"Yes, let's CONTINUE with th-" he passed out.
"….right. We'll have to be careful! Maybe we should split up?" Marry Sue suggested.
"Sounds like a plan," Caeda agreed. "Sir Lex can lead the right side, and we can use Arden and Boulder as meat shields for the left side!"
"BREAK!" the team shouted, then broke up in two packs (xXl00tXx dragged Artur's body)
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"Father, they're coming!" Dorcas readied his axe.
"Right! Let's chop them to bits!"
Father and son decimated the loldier pack but had to retreat when some fighters came down the bend. Even worse, the longbow sniper was taking potshots.
"Shit! What do we do, boy?"
"I don't know, you're the adult!"
Gheb pimpslapped him. "Look! This isn't like you were 5 and I hired that clown for your birthday, we're BOTH capable men!"
"You guys crushed my hot wheels…"
Dorcas's arm got pierced by the bow, but Boulder and Lex provided cover against the fighters.
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On the right side, some sharp mercs were slowing down Edward and Arden, the latter of which broke his Pursuit sword trying to protect Caeda.
"No! E-Edward this is bad….I DON'T HAVE THE POWER OF PURSUIT! WHAT DO I DO?!"
Edward transmutated the statues to crush some of the Grado foes. "C'mon Arden, you never needed that stupid thing, it's just a meme!"
"Just….a…meme? Just a meme?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? DON'T EVER TALK TO ME OR MY ARMOR EVER AGAIN!"
"That's…not needed…." He mumbled. Belle shielded Marry Sue from some Javelins.
"No! Who needs you! I'll just help Marry Sue save the day by myself, THEN I can be the man I was always destined to be!" Arden marched forward, as the longbow arrows clinked him.
"Arden wait-"
"No Edward, hold your fire!" their prince instructed.
Arden lumbered over to the three armored knights guarding the door. "Hey, can I have the key? I kinda need it, for my prince."
CLINKCLINKCLINKCLINKCLINK
"We are the knights that say We!" they said in tandem. "And if you want to get through, you'll need to solve our riddle!"
CLINKCLINKCLINKCLINKCLINK
"Well, okay?"
Edward facepalmed.
"What is black, blue, and red all over?"
"Ooh I know this one! It's-choose the option, viewers at home, is Arden going to say a) the newspaper, b) a skunk with a rash, or c) other?
[TEXT LETTER TO 1-800-VOTE]
On the left side, the group could hardly advance with the longbow sniper being a jerk, but things took a turn for the worse when:
"Hey, gamer girl! Watch out!"
A berserk charge from the other side of the door hit xXl00tXx's body. Dorcas, Lex, Jozla, Boulder, even the had-to-be-treated-for-blood-loss Artur knew this was going to be very very bad.
"Oh please, what's she gonna do? Die from sitting down for 20 hours? Poop in her socks? Make mean comments on the internet? Cuz I've done all 3!" Gheb boasted.
She nuked the knights into oblivion.
"Must….destroy….EA!"
"Shitpickles!"
Our heroes ran back as fast as they could, while xXl00tXx burned down the bricks to incinerate the pesky archers, then targeted the main door.
"Must…destroy….Konami!"
"Artur wake up!" Dorcas shook the spiderman awake. "How do we stop her carnage? She's your friend, damn it!"
"No. No, I REFUSE to be in this scene, because the narrator clearly doesn't know when a joke stops being funny!"
"Damn it, spiderbitch, what do you even want?!" Gheb watched her tiny hands choke the life out of the berserk bishop, whom she was calling "Mike Uyama".
"I want-
"WAIT! DON'T SCENE TRANSITION NOW!"
Your votes have been calculated! Thanks for voting!
"-A 30's cartoon that got some red paint on the animation frames!"
"…."
"…"
"…."
"Why the pauses, everyone?"
"I….just thought you were gonna say something…..bad? Everyone voted C," Edward looked at the poll results. "And well, you know what the darker punchline is, right?"
"No, what?"
"A black ki-"the knights of We couldn't finish the answer, as Twitter banned them for hateful speech. So Marry Sue picked up the key and opened the door.
"Halt! I'm armed!"
Then Edward changed the bishop's sleep staff into a cobra, that mauled him.
"Onward friends!" L'Arachel declared.
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"What a joke, Mix Tape! Just a spear and some Mountain Dew." Guzma made a sound of disgust as he and his prized Pokemon rummaged through their treasure. "Let's just bounce and get some nachos! On me! ….well, let's split it this time."
Mix Tape glared at him.
"Hey, I wasn't the genius that got the McFatass meal when we went to McDonald's last week! Now c'mon! I see some fighting."
But when Guzma sneaked down the hall, a certain white horse stopped him.
"GUZMA! There you are! We're in our climactic battle, won't you join us?"
"Crap! Lady L'Arachel, I'm sorry for deserting yo-" she held her sword to his neck. "And I'm really sorry for posting those pictures on ebaumsworld."
"Guzma, I will forgive your treachery IF you loan your assistance to us!"
"What's in it for me?"
"Your organs and blood!" L'Arachel said cheerfully. "Don't make me fifth reich you!"
"Wait, when was there a fourth?"
She dragged him away anyway.
xXl00tXx continued her berserk rage, and the poor squad of shamans summoned to assist Grado's forces were burnt to a fiery crisp.
"Lute!"
She spun around, palms already glowing. "Artur….I told you never to call me that!"
But the spiderman stared her down, leaving his allies to sneak past them and take on more reinforcements. "You were never this mlg pro when we were little. You wanted to be one. But you can't forget who you always were!"
"The best damn LoL player in the world?"
"No."
"The best damn Smash player in the world?"
"No!"
"The best damn Garfield Kart player in the-"
"Damn it Lute, stop it! You have to separate gaming from reality!"
The berserked light faded from her eyes. "Artur….."
"You're just being a stereotype. Not all gamers are obnoxious memers that whine about censorship, they're people….just love video games."
The two turned at the sound of the main double doors opening….it was time to confront the emperor.
"Artur….let's roast this bitch."
"That's my girl."
"Okay, thanks for ruining that, m8. What did you do to make those others give a damn?"
Gheb, Dorcas, Lex, Boulder, and Jozla all had to wear tight T-shirts with Artur's face on it, with the caption #SPIDERLIVESMATTER
"Here we go!" Marry Sue rounded his allies up. "Let's kill the emperor!"
"But Marry Sue, there's like a billion goons waiting in that throne! How are you supposed to win?" Arden asked.
Then, our dancer hero looked into the camera with a raised eyebrow.
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Marry Sue: "No, no, I didn't feel bad massacring those soldiers in the throne room….I mean, yeah we as a society needed to care more about cannon fodder, they….BWAHAHAHAHAHAA, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't finish that thought. When you're a nameless red unit, you have to be gutted, I don't make the rules.
Probably should get back to the fight, tho…."
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Emperor Entinen was the only one still standing…..er, sitting? As everyone else was lying down in a pool of their own blood.
"Alright Emperor, your crimes end here! For killing my father! For starting this war! For showing the Last Jedi in your country's movie theaters!"
But before he could touch him…..the Emperor's body crumpled into dust.
"…..that was anti-climatic."
"Good job, Marry Sue! A bit too self-indulgent, but then again, I would've had a triumphant war song playing in the background…"
"No L'Arachel, that wasn't me! How long was the Emperor just some….husk?!"
"Milord, maybe we should secure the castle in the meantime?"
"….good idea, Artur. Everyone take five!"
"Five what? Chickens? Seconds? Hours? Days? Tiddies? Grapes? Blu-Rays?"
"Minutes, Gheb."
But when the two crossed into the next hall, Anthony warped in front of them.
"Marry Sue…there you are….."
"Anthony! What's with the weird accent, you sound like a Cartoon villain."
"I've been waiting for you…."
"Why are you? Why aren't you with your….er, possibly not alive dad? Why, Anthony? Why did all of this even start?"
The (possessed) Anthony chuckled, before launching into one of his (possessed) evil speeches. Did I mentioned he's possessed, cuz that's important.
"I want to conquer ze world, Marry Sue! Grado is king! Grado is queen! You patronized me over ze years, with your perfectness….but now, I know how to win! I must be…..your antithesis."
"W-What?!"
"If I am flawed, people will be interested. They'll scorn your perfectness and reject you, and I! WILL! BE! ZE! MAIN CHARACTER!"
"ANTHONY, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!"
"Too far? Nonono…..I haven't gone too far enough."
He warped away.
"…his accent was kinda inconsistent, wasn't it?"
"Marry Sue!" Caeda emerged from the stairwell. "We've found a prisoner!"
A crusty, dark sorcerer sat in the cell until Guzma picked the lock. He shielded his eyes from the light. "Ah….who are you?"
"I'm Marry Sue, Prince of Renais. This castle is under my control, and the Emperor is dead. Wouldn't you join us?"
"Normally I would say no, but that cell was extremely uncomfortable. I am….Gharnef!" He stood up, and gave an sinister smile. "I bet you want to know how the Emperor turned out the way he was?"
"Ew, an exposition dump? I'm gonna powder my nose." Belle flew off. Dorcas had to stop his father from following her into the can with a camcorder.
"Yes, please, Gharnef."
"Very well! The emperor died from a Cheetos overdose roughly….1, 2…..16 months ago?"
"Are you serious?"
"Very! Prince Anthony was distraught, as even in death, his father blamed him for his demise. He wanted to revive him, to prove he wasn't as much of a loser as he thought. Of course, he had to lie and say the emperor was still alive, otherwise there would be bedlam, or worse! Communism."
Gharnef dusted off his robes, and flexed his dark hands.
"But he turned the Fire Emblem into the Dank Stone, and destroyed our own relic. He said he had no use for a husk! He ordered Renais's invasion, and the puppet Emperor agreed."
"What? A zombie? You can't be serious, you can't be serious! That's one of the most annoying clichés EVER, along with time travel and anime mothers dying!"
"Alas! The Sacred Relics are still intact. You could use them, Marry Sue….and we could stop Prince Anthony, together."
"Sounds like a plan!"
"I don't know, Marry Sue…..Gharnef looks a little…."
"What? Evil? Don't be absurd! That's sorcerer-ist, and I know my rights!"
"Leave him alone, Caeda. Let's grab the relics and meet up with my sister! But how are we going to get there in such a short timeframe?"
The group looked to the narrator. Who me?
"Yes!"
Do I really have to?
"Yes!"
Sigh. Fine, through the power of anime and God, Marry Sue's group suddenly grew wings and flew so far to get from Grado to Jehanna. Yadda yadda, and…..can I get my paycheck?
"Alright! This looks like the Jehannan desert!"
The flaming Jehannan palace was in the desert.
"Annnnd that doesn't look good. To arms, friends! You too, Gharnef!"
"Hehehehe….after all…..no one can win against me."
"….."
"…"
"…."
"That sounded…deliberately ominous?"
FIN
Ending notes: There's only one more unit to recruit. Huzzah.
Next Time: the royal twins vs. Narcian