AN: Sorry for the wait everyone, I've just been busy with friends, since the past couple weeks some of them are leaving the state, and one was visiting from out of state. Then I got sick, classes started, etc. Then I went to see Lady Gaga, who is incredible live…there are no words for how her concert made me feel. Basically I was never home XD I will try to update sooner next time.

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Chapter 21: Explanations

I honestly had no idea how to react at first. I was…blank. It was like some fucked up defense mechanism; my mind just shut down and refused to acknowledge that Mello had run away when I told him I loved him. As I had cleaned my room, the conversation flying through my mind, I had felt nothing, as if it had happened to someone else. Because that couldn't have just happened to me. After all the shit the two of us had been through, there was no way three little words could make him flee like that.

That lasted all of five minutes before the reality of the situation really sunk in. Mello had left, and right after we had sex. And not just sex, some…strange, aggressive sex that seemed completely out of the blue. It had been good of course but…I'd let it happen in my house, and not even an hour after he bailed, like I was some common prostitute.

My emotions ricocheted wildly between gut crushing anguish and all encompassing rage. I was a child whose birthday was forgotten then someone betrayed by their best friend. The grief was endless, a deep chasm that threatened to swallow me whole and never release me if I thought long enough to fall into it, so I clung to anger instead. Anger was easier. I allowed it to consume me, pushing back the bad feelings.

I leapt towards the door and ran to the living room. "Fine, leave then!" I shouted at him, even though Mello was long gone. "See if I care! What's wrong with saying what I fucking feel?" I shrieked, kicking the end table.

I reeled towards the wall, pounding it with my fist, the pain registering dimly in the back of my mind. My heart felt like it was trying to pound its way out of my chest. "What did I do?" I punched the wall again. "Well fuck you, Mello!" I yelled, turning towards the door. I kicked it for good measure. "Go to Hell! I don't need you!"

I cleaned my room, movements jerky and fast. I changed the sheets and put my room back in order, ignoring the sounds of my family returning. I threw myself down on my bed, pulling out my DS and mashing the buttons wildly, attempting to lose myself in the virtual world in front of me. I couldn't make myself calm down though, and every challenge just made me angrier.

An hour passed, the anger simmering down, leaving me feeling empty. After everything we had been through, how could those stupid three words ruin everything? Depression bled into my head, and soon I was asking myself tons of teenage angst questions and answering them with equally teenage angst answers. 'Why doesn't he love me? Why would he run? He couldn't be using me could he? Why would he love me anyway? I can't even tell anyone about the most important person in my life. My family is so screwed up. And everyone knows you're not supposed to drop the L bomb so soon. What was I thinking? What's wrong with me?'

My emotions moved repeatedly through anger and hurt all evening, and eventually I fell into a troubled sleep, only to wake up the next morning with the same feelings rolling around, making me feel sick to my stomach. What had I done to deserve such a reaction? Sure it would hurt if he didn't love me (which he obviously didn't) but what hurt worse was his terrible reaction.

I sat around all day, playing my games, not leaving my room. I was thankful I didn't have work because I didn't have the energy to deal with idiots today. Admittedly the distraction would have been better than wallowing in self pity, but in the end, I wallowed all day and into the night before giving up and laying down on my bed, letting my worriers and anger consume me.

How could he have done that?

I felt my phone vibrating and rolled over, digging in my pocket to find it. I checked the caller ID, both hoping and dreading that it would be Mello calling. Incidentally, it was him, and I stared at the phone for two rings before I finally pushed talk and held the phone to my ear. "Hello," I stated, voice cold.

Mello was quiet for a moment before he cleared his voice and spoke. "Matt…look, about yesterday-"

"Yes, what about yesterday?" I asked, voice still icy. There wasn't a trace of the hurt or confusion I felt in my voice. I wanted him to know how angry he had made me. "About how I told you I loved you and you ran away right after we had sex like I was some whore you fucked on the way home?"

"No, I mean, it's not like that," he insisted. "If you'd just let me explain-"

"Why?" I interrupted. "You didn't give me the chance to explain yesterday. I tried to stop you but you just ran. So, why should I let you say anything?"

"Matt, wait, please," he insisted, voice finally turning slightly panicked. "I know I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry, okay? It's not you."

I scoffed. "Really, Mello? The 'it's not you it's me' line? You're going to try and win me over with that bullshit? Well forget it. If you didn't feel the same you could have said so, you didn't have to run," I said, failing to mask the hurt from my voice near the end. My throat felt tight so I stopped talking, biting my lip.

"Matt, please just…can we talk?" he asked, voice quiet. "Face to face? I promise I can explain. I shouldn't have run, that was a stupid move, but I can at least explain why I did. There's a reason and I promise it has nothing to do with you. It's old drama I let get to me. So can we talk…please?"

I wanted to hold onto the anger and resentment, but hearing him so apologetic, borderline pleading, made me give in. "Fine," I sighed, lying back down on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. "When?"

"How about now?"

I sat up abruptly, looking at the clock. "It's like, eleven."

"Yeah, so?" he asked. "We can talk at my house…or the park or something, if you want more common ground."

"The park is closed," I deadpanned.

"Oh, right. I forgot it closes. I mean, we could just sit on the curb near my house, so we don't have to worry about running into anyone in the bars or something. Or my house is fine, if you want. Or yours, it doesn't matter."

I stopped him. "Let's just walk towards each other and meet up, okay? I guess we could talk outside," I said, even though it was nearly February and freezing.

Mello sighed. "Okay, fine, we'll meet halfway. I think there's an IHOP we can walk to."

"Okay."

"And wear a coat, dammit," he ordered. He hung up. I rolled my eyes, stuffing my phone into my pocket. Still, it was nice he'd thought of my health. I pulled my coat on and stole out of my house, going unnoticed by my family. I shivered as the late January air ripped through me, stuffing my hands in my pockets and bowing my head against the wind. I stared at the powdery snow blowing across the sidewalk as I walked, trying to figure out what to say when I met up with Mello.

And then I ran into him.

"Um... hey," I mumbled, shivering when his hands came out to catch me. It had nothing to do with how cold it was. Even when I was angry he had a strong effect on me.

"Hey," he said quietly. We were silent a moment. As if just realizing he was still holding my arms he let go, taking a step back and looking away for a moment. "So, can I explain? I mean..."

My face couldn't pick an expression, so I kept it blank. "Sure," I mumbled. We stood awkwardly for a few seconds and I shivered pointedly. "At IHOP though, right?" I hated how as soon as I saw him, my anger kind of melted away. I knew I should still be livid, but just seeing him there, looking so sorry, already made me want things to just be fixed.

He blinked, like he had snapped out of some trance. "Oh right, yeah." He moved around me. "You walked right past the block you're supposed to turn on."

My cheeks flushed slightly in embarrassment, mostly because I had lived in town a lot longer than him, but it was cold so Mello didn't notice. I followed him back the way I came and turned the corner. We walked down the block in silence until the giant blue letters of IHOP came into view. The rush of warm air when we walked inside was pleasant, and we were seated right away. There weren't many people in the restaurant, which was refreshing, since the place always seemed busy no matter how late it was. There were a few teenagers sprinkled throughout, but no one I recognized from school. We were led towards the back of the restaurant and took our seats across from each other. The waitress left to get our drinks (soda for me and hot chocolate for Mello, which I couldn't imagine would taste very good with his pancakes) and we sat in silence again.

Our waitress brought us our drinks and I ordered, not feeling hungry but figuring it would look weird if I didn't get something. I felt a little too sick to eat. Once she had taken our orders she left, leaving us in silence again. I cleared my throat and spoke. "Well?" I asked, my voice colder than I meant to make it.

He fiddled with the napkin in front of him, looking uncharacteristically nervous. "It has nothing to do with you," he promised, avoiding eye contact. "It was…it has to do with my ex boyfriend," he said. I said nothing so he continued. "At my old school, I dated this boy. His name was Jesse. We dated for over a year." The surprise must have shown on my face because he nodded. "Yeah, it's a pretty long time. I really cared about him. He'd been there for me through a lot of crap. Anyway…we had sex." He seemed to suppress a wince and rushed on. "I know you don't wanna hear it, but we did. And well, I always topped, because I just have never wanted to bottom. I thought Jesse was okay with it, I mean, he never said anything!"

He took a slow breath to calm himself down and continued, quieter. "I would have, for him I mean. I would have done it if he really wanted to, but he never said anything. So, for our year anniversary we planned this big day and it ended in…you know, and it was just this big romantic day, and he said he loved me for the first time."

"Wait, for the first time?"

Mello was looking increasingly uncomfortable and shrugged. "Yeah. He wasn't big on vocalizing how he felt, so when he said it, I thought he really meant it." His expression darkened and I knew the story was about to take a very bad turn. "I found out almost a week later that the next night, he went out and had sex with someone else. That fucker Near would never top anyone, so he was a good choice," he spat.

I had absolutely no idea what to say to that, my emotions once again in turmoil. Part of me was still hurt and angry for his reaction the day before, and the other part of me was crying out in sympathy for the boy I loved, fighting to say I couldn't blame him after he'd had such a bad experience with the word in the past. "I'm sorry," I said finally, flinching inwardly at the stupid statement. Could I have said something dumber?

He was actually visibly upset, and the sympathy began to win out, especially once he started talking again. "It was awful, so when you said it, it was just so similar to that night. I just panicked. I didn't think. I just had to get out." He bit his lip. "I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry for running out on you. I care about you a lot." I could tell the 'but' was coming and braced myself. "But," he continued, guilt flashing through his eyes, "I can't just say it back. I just don't know about love yet. I don't think I loved Jesse, though I may be biased now, but I said it anyway. If I say it again I want to be sure."

"Oh…" I trailed off, trying to look understanding when really inside, it hurt a lot to know he didn't love me.

"Matt…fuck," he swore in frustration. "Look, I still really care about you. More than Jesse. I just don't know. But I shouldn't have run like that, I didn't mean to hurt you. It was my gut reaction." We sat in silence again until our food arrived, but when it did neither of us moved to eat. He finally looked at me again and spoke. "Will you forgive me?" he asked, voice nearly silent.

I contemplated him for a while, but really, a part of me had known as soon as he called that I would forgive him. I shrugged, looking down at my food. "I guess."

"So…we're okay?"

I sighed but nodded, forcing a smile onto my face. It had been awful of him to run from me but he had apologized, and his reason made sense. I just…couldn't stay mad at him, even if I wanted to. And even though it physically hurt, knowing he didn't love me, and even though anger still simmered slightly in my veins, sympathy won out, and I cared about him too much to let something so stupid break us apart. "Yeah, we're okay."

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AN: Ugh, so much shorter than normal, but this needed to get out. So here is Mello's explanation. What do you think, would you have forgiven him if you were Matt? When you're smitten with someone it's hard to stay mad XD Things have calmed down so I should update sooner. Sorry again for the delay, thanks to all my amazing reviewers, you guys are what pushed me to even finish this chapter, since I was feeling uninspired lately. I'll work on the next chapter right away.