Hey, I'm back sorry it took me so long this week but I will have the other update at the latest by Sunday. This chapter is all about Christian. I hope you guys enjoy. XOXO, Jen

I do not own the Fifty Shades characters or the main storyline, all copyrights go to E.L James.

Chapter 20: Recollections and Recommendations

Christian's POV

This week has been difficult and today is only Wednesday. I'm so happy that on Friday I will be going to see my girl and to be honest the mere idea of looking at her beautiful eyes and her luminous smile is what has kept me going this week so far. After my near panic attack on Sunday dinner at my parents and Elena had left the premises I told my family all about Ana and how we met and the incredible connection I feel towards her, they all were very welcoming and happy. When I finish my tale my mom ask me to try to bring her for dinner soon enough. I also talked to grampa Theo about coming over to his and grama Maggie's house on Wednesday I told him that I needed to talk to him about something that has been bothering me lately. When I was about to leave Elliott came to me and told me to remember that he always has my back and so I ask him if he wanted to come down with to Portland on Friday to meet up with the girls that the idea was go in earlier and maybe we could go biking or hiking at one of the near by trails and he said that he would love to but he wanted to catch the Mariners game so I told him that perhaps we could before heading to the bar to celebrate the last day of finals with Ana and her friends. So we agreed to leave around 10 am on Friday to drive to Portland with out bikes in tow. I also told him that if he could give me until Friday to talk to him about why I panic when I saw Elena and he agreed.

As soon as I got to Escala I called my sweet Ana even though I knew it was quite late, but she picked up and we talked for a good hour about what happened and she told me that I need to talk to Flynn about my panic attack because she knows from experience that panic attacks are physical reactions of distress that are triggered by past situations and that she thinks the thing with Elena is might be a bigger trauma in me that I originally thought. I told her that what she was saying was making sense if I added to that my nightmare.

I ask her if she could stay with me on the phone until she fell asleep and she agreed while we were just in silence Ana as always surprised me by start to read to me and told me to relaxed and soon after I was asleep and I didn't wake until my alarm went off at 6am on Monday. On Monday at noon I had my regular lunch appointment with Flynn and I knew it was a long session and so it was.

"Hello Christian, how did your weekend ended up?" Flynn asks as I pass him his lunch.

"Hello John, well it was a little bit of everything." I say and he arches a brow.

"Oh, that's an interesting choice of words. Do pray tell what happened after our conversation on Saturday?" He says.

"Well not much on Saturday, Ana and I talked for a while in the evening as she needed some girl time with her best friend and roommate. After that she called me to ask me if I could do a photo shoot for her friends article on Sunday so I agreed and we met on Sunday. On Sunday Ana and her friends came to the Heathman and proceeded with the shoot and I also asked the photographer to take some photos of me and Ana and she was super cute and shy about it I think her self image issues are deeper than she thinks. I mean she the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I really mean that John, her eyes are so deep and clear blue and they can leave your soul naked, her smile could light up the whole city of Seattle and her body is to die for I mean she is hot as fuck perky little tits and ass, petite but fit, her legs go for ages and her hair is long think and beautiful.

She also doesn't realize that her photographer friend wants into her panties and that's mostly because she doesn't pay attention to that type for attention from man. This Jose guy was practically looking at her like she was some piece of premium stake and the scowl on his face when we told them that Ana and I are together was like he just eaten something foul, he obviously wants her. I know that Ana will never betray me or cheat on me because she is too good and kind to even think that way but I don't trust the guy and I'm pretty sure he doesn't care if she is in a relationship." I stop for a second and Flynn talks.

"So, that makes you feel out of control that other men show interest in her?" He asks and I glare at him.

"NO, not fucking out of control it fucking makes me feel angry and like I won't go all caveman and take her and put her away from the world and also it makes me feel possessive I mean she is mine, she is my girlfriend. " I say and Flynn snickers. What the fuck!

"Christian that's pretty normal is called jealousy and within certain amount from both partners is good and healthy for the relationship because for the person that is seeing you go all caveman like you say or lose your cool and be possessive it makes them feel important but the tricky part about this is for the partner that is feeling jealous to know that if hey trust their partner is non important if another man in this case looks at Ana but in a sort of way your ego will need to stalk its claim on Ana, just don't let your ego rule you and also talk to Ana about your insecurities because I'm pretty sure that their will be a moment when the tables turn and it will be her who would want to rip someone's head out for ogling you and disrespecting her and by consequence your relationship and you." He says and that makes sense on a rational level but my feelings are so all over the place that I'm not sure of I would be able to control them all the time, but I need to try.

"Ok, that makes sense. After the shoot Ana and I went to have a some coffee for me and tea for her at a nearby park because I had an awful nightmare last night and I had called her earlier and told her that it wasn't like my usual nightmares and scared the living shit out of me, so she comfort me and then we agree to talk afterwards." I say and he looks at me concerned.

"What was the nightmare about?" He asks.

"It was about my time with Elena and my time with her, but it was so vivid that when I woke up screaming to stop and she wouldn't I thought that someone was still canning and belting me it was a terrible feeling. I felt the need to call Ana and so I did and we talked and we was soothing and then at the park I told her some more and I told her that I'm scare that she will leave me when she knows my whole story and what has been of my life up until a few months ago and she told me that she won't judge me and that the past is the past.

She also told me that she thinks that I need to tell my family about what happened between Elena and me, and she asked me if I have someone in my family that I think could handle the telling them and be there for me and I told her that grampa Theo. So I decided to tell him I'm actually going on Wednesday to his house for dinner and talk." I tell him.

"Oh wow, Christian. Ana certainly has a profound effect on you in a very positive way I'm happy that you have her. I have to agree with her assessment too you need to open up to your family and tell them and yes it would be good if you have someone on your corner when you have to within your family. Although you have Ana for support she is still fairly new and family dynamics are hard. She is a very smart woman, Christian." He says and I smile.

"Yes, she is. On that note let's move on to Sunday, so at Sunday dinner with my family I was going to tell them all about Ana although I already knew that they knew thanks to Mia." I chuckle and Flynn arches a brow. "They knew because on our ride back from Montesano on Saturday Mia called me to ask me about my girlfriend and she ended up talking to Ana on the phone for a few minutes and Mia being Mia spread the news like wildfire. Well back to Sunday, so I was starting to tell them about Ana and me and how we met and so on, when the doorbell rang and Elena came in uninvited I immediately stopped talking about Ana I don't want that bitch to know anything about sweet Ana.

Then I started to remember the nightmare and started to panic and growing anxious about her being there I just wanted to leave but I knew I couldn't just do that to my mom and then she sat next to me and tried to touch me and I just jerk away from her and felt like I wanted to run and hide. I think Elliott saw my distress and decided to help me to get out of the room at least and we went outside and talk for a bit and then I told him that he would mind that I called Ana and he said no and that would say that I had to take a call from work and to remember that he is there for me whenever I want." I tell him.

"Ok that was the night, so did you told Elliott why you got your panic attack and did Elena stayed after you return? Because my guess is that she waited for you to come back." He says and I shake my head.

"No, I didn't told Elliott but I did told him to come with me to Portland next weekend and that I would talk to him then. As for the bitch troll that's Ana's name for her, yes she waited and she was hounding my family for information about Ana but none of them said anything and then my mother kick her out and she left." I say.

We continue talking about how for me to handle the situation with the bitch and how to talk to grampa and Elliott about the situation. So we decided to tell grampa all of it and for me to tell Elliott just some of the story. So, now here I am on Wednesday on my way to my grandparents house to break the news so to speak to my grampa. I'm just hoping he won't hate me. I starting to write a text to Ana but then I decide to call her.

"Hello handsome, how are you?" She says with her sweet voice and my heart melts.

"Hello princess, I've been better this week has been hell and I still have to get through tonight and another two days to see you." I tell her and I can feel her smile on the other end.

"Oh so you are excited to see me, because I can't hardly wait for Friday plus is my last exam I'm so done with school." She says and giggles. "Are you on your way to see your grampa?" She asks and I sigh.

"Yes, I am, almost there actually. I'm so scare that he will be disappointed at me Ana. I'm not sure I could handle that." I say.

"Baby, take deep breaths for me come on, in and out, in and out. OK good, are calmer now?" She asks I didn't realize I was getting anxious again.

"Yes, I am." I say and keep breathing.

"Good, I don't want you to ended up in a hospital or with a heart attack. Look, I know this is going to be difficult but I assure you that your grampa won't be disappointed if anything he will angry but not at you but at her and maybe a bit sad and guilty that he couldn't be there for you at the time but he will also will support you and love you." She says and I sigh.

"I hope that you are right, well I'm here. Can I call you later?" I ask.

"Yes, you can. Now go and enjoy your dinner with your grandparents and then have your talk with your grampa and you'll see all will be good." She tells and I smile a little.

"Thank you and baby I can't wait for Friday." I say.

"Me either my sweet Christian." She says and hangs up.

Time to face the music Grey, time to face it. We just had dinner and my grampa and I are now sitting on his den drinking a scotch. My grandma told me that she was glad that I was making my way back home and that I should never forget that she loves me now, forever and always and then gave me a kiss on the cheek and turn around leaving with grampa. We have been seating silently watching the apple trees sway.

"Ok, boy I know is pretty nice out here and I also know that you didn't came here just to watch the apple trees." Grampa Theo says and I look at him and sigh.

"Yes, you are right. Look, gramps I have something to tell you and I don't know where to start because I feel like after I tell you this you will be disappointed in me and that's the last thing I want." I tell him and I look back down to the floor.

"Look, Christian my boy, I love you so no matter what you tell me tonight I won't be disappointed at you, you are my pride and joy. So tell me what is that you want me to tell me about you and Mrs. Lincoln because I have a feeling that it has to do with your panic attack on Sunday at dinner and that she is the cause of it." He says and pats me on my arm. Is comforting and take a gulp of my scotch and deep breath.

"Yes, you are indeed correct it has to do with Mrs. Lincoln and very long story." I say and look at him.

"What did that bitch did to you Christian? Tell me because I can see the fear in your eyes, you have always been such an open book regarding how you feel even though you never show it, but is all in your eyes. So tell what the fuck did she did to you?" He says and I'm surprised by his outburst.

"Ok, grampa here it goes. Remember when I was 14 almost 15 and fighting in school and started drinking like an idiot." I say and he nods and sadness start clouding his eyes. " Just after my fifteen birthday was just expelled from my second school and mom and dad were at the end of the rope with me I mean I was so out of control but they didn't seem to get that the reason I was fighting so much is because my hormones were all over the place and the girls at school were always trying to be hounding me and I was so afraid of being touch that kids starting bullying me called me freak and other names. I started to get dirty thoughts about girls and well I couldn't make a move I was so afraid, so I started to withdraw. On my first school when I was in 7th grade this older girl came on to me and told me to meet her somewhere after school one day, I think she thought I was older because of my built I was taller than the normal 7th grader. So I went and she started talking dirty to me and feeling me up and it felt so nice and then she told me to cup one of her tits well I did and we were touching each other but at one point she pounce on me and try to kiss me and touch my chest with her hand and I got so scare that I push her hard and she fell and I just ran home well the next day this older jog kid came told me that the girl told him what I had done and that I hit her and since I was such a coward hitting girls that I should feel what it was being hit by a guy well he gut punch me and then push me by putting his hands on my chest and I just lost it but for some reason the hits felt like a touch I could bear so I just continue hitting him until we were separated and we both got expelled. On my next school I figured that been hit was something I could bare and I as craving so much to be touch that I just started picking fights and the alcohol came because it made me numb I mean I could sleep through the night if I was drunk without having nightmares." I say and he nods for me to continue and so I do.

"Well when I turn 15 Mr and Mrs. Lincoln offer my mom and dad the option to have me help them with some yard work at their house and they told them that it would give me structure while I was out for the summer. So they agreed and I started going to the Lincoln's" I say and take another gulp of my scotch.

"Yes I remember, when your mom told me that they were sending you there I told them that I didn't think it was a good idea, I've never trusted that woman she just feels rotten. So I offer them to send you here to help me with picking up the apples and that would give you tasks around the house, but they said they already told the Lincoln's that you were coming plus they thought that I would spoil you instead of helping you." He says and he looks heart broken. I always wonder why gramps had retreat it a bit after my 15th now this makes sense, although he always tried to stay in touch. "Tell me Christian did that bitch and her husband took advantage of you in some way?" He asks and I lower my head and nod. I hear him gasp. "What did they do?" Oh shit he is pissed.

"Ok, I'll tell you gramps but you have to promise you won't do something stupid because I need you ok and I will need you more when tell mom and dad about it which I plan to do soon." I tell him and he takes a deep breath.

"I promise my boy, although I think what you are going to tell me is so bad that I might wanted to kill that botox blonde bitch and her jackass of a husband, but I won't for you I won't." He says and pats my arm again. So I continue.

"Thank you gramps. Ok, so at the beginning the first few days going there was pretty normal I went and did my job and came back home, about a week after I was there Mr. Lincoln had to go on a business trip so when I got to their house it was only me and Mrs. Lincoln around mid morning she came dress in her rope with a glass of lemonade and I don't remember what was that she start me talking about but I did some smart ass remark and she slap me hard." I hear gramps gasp.

"It took me by surprise and then she kiss me right there in her yard, she didn't touch me just kissed me and after that she slap me again I was so confused and then she look down and started rubbing my dick with her and told me that I was such a big boy and that what I needed was a woman to teach me how to control my dick and my temper and to teach me how to behave. After that she turn around and went to her house and didn't come out until later to tell me that I was done for the day and that if I wanted more of today to come back the next day ready." I look down at the ground I feel so stupid I mean how much of an idiot I was she used my raging hormones against me.

"That fucking cunt botox bitch. She pounce on you when you were fucking 15 years old and underage I mean fuck you weren't on legal age for consent. Did you go back boy? That's a stupid question of course you did, so what happened next?" He asks.

"Well the next day I came back and when I got there she was waiting for me dressed in her robe and told me to come inside the house. Stupidly I went inside and once inside she told me to take my shirt and shorts off and so I did and then she kissed me again she told me that was my first lesson if I did I was told I would be rewarded for being a good boy. She then took me by the hand brought me to her living room and told me to sit on the couch and when she came back she had a piece of paper and gave it to me. She told me that those were the rules that I needed to follow in order to be rewarded." I say and feeling s ashamed.

"What were the rules Christian? And what was going to happened if you broke them?" Gramps asks.

"The rules were for me to stop drinking, stop fighting, I needed to bring only good grades on my report nothing but A's, I was to enter the rowing team at my new school, I needed to get into Harvard and graduate with honors from high school. I was never to be with another girl or woman. I was to pleasure her whenever she saw it fit. Also I needed to be well dressed and groomed and took care of myself physically. She told me that since I like fighting maybe I should enroll in some sort of martial art class so that way I could let off some of my temper and also it would make my mom happy. She told me that I follow those rules my parents would be proud of me. I told her that I could do that, she told me to choose all my extra activities and tell her before I enroll so that she could work on my schedule..

After that she told me to stand up and take her robe and so I did I mean by that point I was sporting a boner between my legs. I took her robe and she kissed me again and this times she told me to massage her tits and I did and I was getting so hard that my balls were aching, she put her hand and cup my balls and then took me by the hand and told me that it still not the time to cum. She then walked me through the house and took me to the basement and the way she said that if I disobey any of her rules she would punish me. Once in her basement she told turn the lights and she had this dungeon full of canes, cats, paddles, belts and other stuff. She also had a bed there. Grampa have you ever heard about BDSM?" I ask him and he sighs.

"Yes, son I have. I have even been at some of those clubs for research back when I was a criminal lawyer, but I haven't since I became a corporate one. Was that what this bitch did to you, she used BDSM as a reward and punishment system?" He says in a low voice.

"Yes, gramps, that's exactly what she did. She basically gave me sex in sort if I was good and if I led astray from her rules she beat the shit out of me in her dungeon." I tell him.

"For how long?" He asks.

"I was her submissive until I was like 20 on a regular basis and then I became Dom I was so done with her bullshit or so I thought, so she taught me to be a Dom and took me to clubs and she was my submissive for about 10 months and then I ended the thing until the day that I came back home after dropping out and dad went ballistic, so I went to her because I thought she was my friend and ask her for the start up money for GEH and she gave it to me and we had sex that day and few more times after until one night Linc caught us in their bed and that was the last day I was involved sexually with Mrs. Lincoln. That day Linc beat the shit out of her and she left Seattle for a few months and they divorced and when she came back I was already making money with GEH so she ask me for a loan because I had already paid her the money for my start up to have her salons and because I felt so ashamed and guilty about my whole affair with her I gave her the money and became a silent partner on the salons." I tell him.

"Fucking bitch used you all the way, I bet my ass that she planned to get caught. Did you know that she received a substantial amount of money for her divorce and Linc had already gave her some money before she left the city and now I know it was hush money for the beating. Fucking depraved and sick bitch. You didn't owe her anything Christian not one thing. Yes, having an affair with a married woman isn't a good thing and I don't approve of that behavior but she got you so entangle that no wonder you felt indebted to her some how. Do you realize that has been feeding you bullshit since you were 15 years old?" He asks and I nod.

"Yes, gramps now I do. Well gramps after that whole deal I felt so out of control that she came back in to my life like some sort of confidant and friend. She told me that because I was starting to being recognize I couldn't go to clubs anymore and since I only went during the weekends that I should built my own dungeon when I got a bigger place for myself, so I took her advice and after I moved to Escala I made one of my guest rooms on the second floor a playroom, but I built it and design it on my own she wanted me to show her the place and I told her no that this place it was for me and only me. For some reason I didn't want her involved in that. " I tell him.

"Ok, so you have a BDSM room in your apartment that's not terrible and in some sick sense she was right on the fact that you couldn't just go out and about to clubs. It wouldn't have look good for business whether they were BSDM joints or regular clubs and you hooking up with random girls and getting drunk. Also I think I understand why you are still drawn to this kinky shit. Is it because of your touch issues, right?" He says.

"In part yes, I mean with the bondage side of it I could have the girl tied up and not been able to touch me, also my contract states that they are not allowed to touch or look at me unless I say so. I mean it also has to do with my control issues but those steam from my relationship with Elena I mean she fed me up by telling me that my birth mother didn't love me and that mom and dad took pity on me and because I had disappointed them so much as well as the rest of the family they would never believe me if I told any of you about what was going on, because there were times when I wanted out, but I just couldn't. I'm sorry. " I tell him. "So I became angrier and angrier towards the world and just focus on my company and became this isolated and empty man. I'm so fucked up." I tell him and put my head between my hands.

"No, you aren't son. Look at me, Christian you are a strong and intelligent man that had overcome so much and became successful regardless of the circumstances you found yourself in. The adults in your life have let you down a lot and we as your family failed you in the sense that we just stood by on the sidelines when we should've been more proactive, but we can't dwell on that if we do we will fail you again and this time we all need to be alongside you." Gramps says. "Ok I have a couple of questions." I nod and I'm pretty sure what they are.

"If you didn't went into clubs to look for these girls, where did you find them? Where they hookers? I mean you said that you use a contract of some sorts, what is that about? Also, how many girls? And is this new girl Ana a submissive of yours?" I look up at him.

"Ok, the girls where provided by Elena I get now that it was another way for her to control me. No, they weren't hookers, although I must say I did pay for sex a few times when I was in college, not proud of it and also it earned me a fucking beating. The contract that I mentioned is a BDSM contract is just a piece of paper that says what I like and dislike in the bedroom, what were my rules for play, where the girls were allowed around the apartment, when we met, also hers and my limits regarding play, it wasn't legally binding but it was my way of keeping everything clear as in what was expected of our involvement. On top I had all of them sign NDA's with gag orders clauses so they aren't allowed to say or disclose anything about what happened between us.

I never took them on dates or anything that would make them think or believe that they could aim for more than just a sexual relationship with me, as hard it going to sound it was all about the pleasure on it and zero feelings whenever the girls said that they wanted more of me I would end the contract and the same way went with them they could ended at anytime. I did provide them with clothing items and a car. To a couple of them I funded their education even after we ended the contract and to a few help wit medical bills or care for their parents or siblings because they became ill and couldn't afford it. As for how many girls contracted one 15 and the ones in clubs I don't know maybe a dozen or so.

Regarding your question about Ana's and mine's relationship, no she is not my submissive, she has never been on the lifestyle. She knows that I had a sexual relationship with Elena and she hates her guts, she was the one that encourage me to talk to someone in my family that I trust it about my past. She also knows that I have been involved sexually with other women but I haven't talk to her about the BDSM side of it. I intent to on Saturday she is coming over to Escala to talk about our pasts. She knows that I was abused physically but she doesn't know why, she does know about my birth mother and she gets me like no one can. I'm drawn to her and she to me, we can talk about anything and everything and I told her that I wanted to be her boyfriend and for her to be my girlfriend and she accepted last Saturday. I know it seems oddly fast but for both of us it feels right. She means a lot to me, gramps and I care deeply for her. She makes me happy." I tell him and he smiles.

"I'm glad son and I can see that you care for her and she makes you happy. Every time you talk about her your face lights up. Take a piece of advice from this old man and just take care of her and treat her right, although I'm pretty sure you already are. One last question unless you have something else to tell me. Were you safe with your sexual partners including the bitch?" He asks and I chuckle.

"Yes, gramps, I was safe with Elena I always wore a condom plus birth control and with my submissives if it was in a club I would wrap it up double time and with the contracted girls I have them gone to a OBGYN that I trusted and had sign a NDA for me so they were on birth control and plus I always tried to use condoms but their were a few times were I didn't so we had check ups. I was monogamous in my relationships. That was part of the contract for them to be monogamous as well. At the end of a contract I got myself tested besides my regular 6 month check ups with my doctor. I also had security checking on the girls well after a year of the contract been ended in case they would come saying that I got them pregnant and they were to go to my OBGYN up until six months after the contract was done and then the doctor will give them a list of other recommended doctors that they could use. Also as part of their contract was that they were never to come in touch with me by any form and if it we would were to cross paths were not acknowledge ourselves in any form. I know it sounds like I was cold hearted bastard and maybe I was but that was the only way I could keep the control of the situation." I tell him.

"Thank you for being honest son, I just worry. By your explanation I'm guessing you have been safe regarding your girlfriend as well?" He asks.

"Mmm well, I plan to be when the moment is right." I tell him and he arches a brow

"What do you mean by that? You aren't being stupid, you don't want to knock her up." He says sternly.

"NO, what the hell gramps. Ana and I aren't planning on kids yet or for a long time. I mean we just started dating and besides she is only 21 nearly 22. What I meant was that and gramps this is very personal for both Ana and me. What I meant was that we haven't had sex yet because I want to make it special for Ana and also because I'm nervous as fuck because it will be like my first time all over again as I don't plan to take Ana to the playroom for our first time together is not what she deserves or what I need. I need to be able to take my girl to my bed and not have her restrain or anything." I tell him.

"Ok, son, fair enough. I'm sure you will do well by her." He tells me and pats me on my shoulder and messes with my hair.

"Oh fucking hell gramps." I chuckle and he chuckles too.

"I think is time for you to go home I bet you are dying to call your girl before the night is over." He gets up and I do to and put my arm around his shoulders while we walk inside. "Thank you for trusting in me Christian it means a lot I wish you would've told me before but I'm glad you at least told me now. Let me know when you are talking with your parents and keep in touch and also be careful with the bitch." He says.

"I know I should've come to you earlier but my head was to clouded by the bullshit and yes I'll be careful about the bitch because besides fucking me up that I was already she is also stealing fro under me with the salons so Ros is managing that because I don't want to e related with any dealings with her, maybe you could give Ros a call and help her with the legal side of things?" I ask him and smiles proudly at me.

"Sure my boy I will call the boss lady at GEH and that way I can keep my eyes on the bitch. Thank you but for now good night son." He says.

"Thanks gramps for always being there for me and say good night to grandma for me and good night to you too." I tell him and I make my way to the car.