o-o-o
Twenty-one.
o-o-o
Kairi's POV.
I jog back up the stairs to retrieve the rest of my stuff. I'm finally moving in with Sora (and Riku, I guess), and I seriously could not be more excited! It's definitely a step in the right direction. I refuse to take my ring off, because when I look at it, I'm hit with an outburst of joy, butterflies, and all that other whimsical shit!
Eh, sorry.
The events of the past few months set me back a little, but that's okay. I'm glad I made it out alive. I have him to thank. Oh, goodness. I'm getting all giddy again...
As Sora transports the stuff to his house, which is only a five-minute drive, I head inside my room. It's free of clutter, and I only have a few more boxes to take down. Putting my hands on my hips, I think to myself. Do I have everything?
I do a triple-check of the entire apartment, and then I remember something.
"Hey, Selph? You borrowed my hairdryer and curling iron the other day, right?" I call from the hallway. She must be busy in the kitchen; I can hear her shuffling the pots and pans. No problem. We go into each other's rooms all the time. I open her bedroom door and spot my hairdryer on top of her desk, but I don't see my curling iron. I open each drawer until I find it in the bottom one. As I go to take it out, I notice a familiar-looking blue note with my name on it.
I open the note and it confirms my suspicions. This is the note from the Moogle-the one that Sora tucked into its hands. Why on Earth would she have this? I thought the stalker…
I gasp and fall backward in stupor; my blood rushing.
Okay, okay. So… I am an extremely private person. Besides Sora, Riku and my parents, no one knows where I live other than my very own roommate. No one knows the make, model AND license plate of my car unless they're near me a lot.
Besides Sora and Selphie, no one knows what happened to me, and how frightened I've been for the better half of my life that it could happen again…
Selphie appears in her doorway. "Kairi, dinner's-"
Her face turns to a shade of white when she sees me on the floor, holding Sora's beloved note in my hand. Stumbling to my feet, I can hardly form a sentence, let alone control the boiling anger flowing through me. Her fear tells me everything that I need to know.
"Kairi, I-I…" Selphie stuttered, taking several steps back as I force her into the hallway. My livid expression does the talking for me, and she cowers at my mercy. She's guilty. She did this to me…
"Why do you have this?" I ask in a chilling voice, just for the sake of it.
"I-I found it in your roo-"
"It was in my car!" I scream. "Don't you DARE lie to me!"
His sly, devious smirk passes through my mind, and I seriously feel sick to my stomach. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but it was hard to think of this as just some isolated incident anymore. The note was missing, and I found it in her desk drawer. Call me crazy, but…
"Did you post our address online for everyone to see?!" I yell, startling her.
"Do you think I'm stupid?! Why would I-"
"You know, you're not around much. Any particular reason why?"
"I'm trying to pay the bills?" she says in a very sarcastic tone, crossing her arms with a sneer. "Seriously, Kairi, why would I do something like that?"
"Because you hate me!"
Silence creeps on us, and I can feel my arms slowly reaching for her neck. This was low. She doesn't even deny it, and that's the worst part. I stop myself before strangling her. She looks painfully comfortable right now. Selphie leans against the wall and shrugs it off. A crooked smile appears, and I peer into the face of a demon.
"Fine, Kairi, you're right. I do hate you. I wish he did get you."
Get me. She means…
That's so… cold. I've never met anyone so… so...
Dropping my hands to my sides, through grit teeth, I muster quietly, "Who was that freak?"
Selphie looks to the floor. "My cousin."
I want to ring her out and leave her to dry. My own roommate hired her family member to stalk and rape me, or worse.
Wow.
"You knew how I felt about him from the start, and you took him," Selphie says, rather nonchalantly, might I add. "If it weren't for me, you and Sora would have never met, and you would have never gotten the bright idea to start your shitty little channel. You only got famous because of him, and you know it. You have money, looks, a handsome boyfriend-or should I say, fiance, and what do I have? Zilch. You always get after me for not paying my half of the bills, when you can clearly cover them yourself."
So, she's jealous of my fiance? She's jealous because I worked hard to get to where I am? That doesn't make any…sense...
"That's no reason to… to... hire a stalker! Do you know how absolutely psychotic you sound?! You know DAMN well that my life is not perfect! You put us BOTH in danger! I-I-I can't believe… I can't believe you would do this!" I stand there with my jaw in a locked position, unable to comprehend the stupidity that led to such a traumatizing nightmare. My breathing intensifies, and I'm having a hard time convincing myself NOT to beat this smug little bitch down.
Oh, you know what? Fuck it. I'll wipe that grin right off your damn fac-
"Kairi, what the hell are you doing?" Sora's voice cuts through, and my entire body comes to a halt. I lower my fist from the air, and without another word, I storm into my room, grab the remaining boxes and walk away.
Breathe. Walk. Walk. Breathe. Walk.
She's lucky.
o-o-o
Sora and I sit in his car, staring at the ocean in front of us. We haven't said a word since we left the apartment.
"I just don't-" Sora starts.
"Shut up," I snap, and he abides. I just find this so hard to believe. Does Selphie really hate me that much? Yeah, we've had our disagreements, but…
UGH! I just want to kill her!
"Can I speak now?" Sora whispers. I shrug in response. "So, she hired her cousin to stalk you online? With what money?"
I shudder. "Who fucking knows? Should I call the police?"
"I'm not sure they can do much about it," Sora says, taking my hand into his. Immediately, I feel weak. I won't cry about this. I can't. I'm surprised Sora isn't more upset, though. I think he's in just as much shock as me.
Oh, gosh… the horrible memories are coming back…
I shut my eyes and inhale deeply, trying to stop the oncoming tears. My body shivers, and the images from so long ago are clear. Fear. Loneliness. Helplessness. A click, signaling a locked door. A crooked, evil grin, and muffled laughter.
His face. That ugly, scruffy beard. Those stubby hands and that crushing weight…
A man meant to be trusted by an innocent kid like me.
Stop… stop it…
"No, no, no…" I repeat over and over, covering my ears. Sora tries to console me, but it's already taken me. I bury my face into my knees, and the tears come flooding out. The images won't stop. They won't… fucking stop!
Sora knows what's happening. I can feel his warmth, but it's not enough. I hate this. I hate being like this. I'm supposed to be stronger! I'm not supposed to let him back in…
"Kairi, are you okay?"
"Do I look okay to you?!" I snap. Almost instantly, I regret it. "S-Sora, sweetie, I'm… I'm sorry…"
Sora looks at me sympathetically before he pulls over into a temporary parking space. He sits back into his seat and sighs.
We sit in silence for a moment. It's not really helping. They're coming back and they're more rotten than ever.
"Talk to me," Sora says after a few more moments.
I gulp, breathing slightly just to calm my heart down.
"You don't have to be afraid anymore, Kairi. I know what this is about."
"You remembered?"
"You brought it up a while ago, but you never really got it off your chest, just in brief instances you'd bring it up in vague." He gives me a look of sympathy. "You can't keep it inside if you want to be free from it."
"So, you did remember…" I sigh.
My breathing begins to tremble as my chest heaves up and down. I clear my throat and swallow one last lump. "Ten years... and five months. That's how long it's been."
He nods, as if he understands.
"One of Mom's old boyfriends. It all seems like a blur, but I can remember her having a new one every few months or so." I sigh. "Once her and Dad broke up, he was always out of town, and so I was left unprotected…
"He and Mom fought over how much Mom was with a new man every so often. She didn't want to hear it… not until the last one, anyway." I feel the tears starting to build up. "A poor excuse for a man, always coming home drunk, never listening to my mom, and it felt like he'd never leave. Even if she wanted to break it off, he wouldn't let her.
"Even as a kid, I could tell something was wrong. The way he'd look at me, the way he'd talk to me... the way he touched me. I could tell something wasn't right. I knew something felt wrong every time he stepped up on our doorstep.
"Mother never listened to me." I cover my face with my hands to hide the embarrassment of being so vulnerable. "Why the hell didn't she listen to me?! Damn it, damn it! Every now and then, he'd touch me in the most awful places, but Mom never believed me! No one ever believed me! It was just me, and his evil sneer every time we were alone! I was all alone…
"I didn't even know that I was lucky that he hadn't crossed that line though, you know? Not yet, anyway. I never thought he'd ever get to the point where there was no return. I didn't think he would be that stupid! Pretty naive of me, thinking back on it... with his drinking habits, something was bound to happen. But I thought if he hadn't done it then, he wouldn't have ever done it. I didn't think he'd go so fucking far! Until one night...
"One night, he came back more pathetic than usual. I h-heard these really... these really awful noises coming from my mother's room right down the hall and... that alone could have given me nightmare. Oh god... and I was in my bed, feeling so damn helpless. So weak and pathetic! I-I c-could remember hiding underneath my covers, frightened for my life that he'd come into my room and d-do his w-worst.
"When the house became q-quiet… and the screaming stopped... I could hear his footsteps booming from down the hall, and oh it was… it was like something out of a fucking horror movie.
"Most o-of the night was a blur... just screams, grunts, and… a lot of pain. A lot, a lot… a lot of p-pain. He w-wouldn't stop. He just wouldn't stop! Even though blood was everywhere, he didn't care! 'Shut up, bitch, it won't be much longer'! Fuck you! Oh my god, go fucking kill yourself and die you piece of shit! I hope he burns in hell!
"It took a whole night of pain... and manipulation… a-a-and fear for my life, just for my mother to finally let him go and call the police. All that pain, all that s-suffering... all of that just to get him out of my fucking life and I never s-saw his face again.
"It took a lot of time, but after a couple of years, I got better. I-It took forever, but I was able to cast the memory aside, in a miracle. I moved in with Selphie and... you and her were the only people that knew of it, but... I'm sorry, this is the first time I've ever really gone into detail." I sniff. "It was so painful... Sora, it was so much...
"I told Selphie because I thought I could trust her... fuck. Fuck, I fucking trusted that heartless...I trusted her!... And I don't trust too many fucking people but... why would she do this to me? She hired him because she knew what it would do to me, she knew that it would bring back the haunting memories of that sick, sick excuse for a fucking human being! And why? Because she wanted what I had. How could someone just...
"I've held this in... I've held so much for so long... and I just... I just can't take it anymore, I... I... "
Breathing picking up, eyes getting hot, skin getting humid, voice pitch rising. "I… I… I…" Lips trembling, eyes nearly closed... can't take it… can't hold it... "I… I... "
"Kairi," Sora says, taking me by the hand. "I'm here." His gentle grip, he holds a little tighter. "Kai, I love you. Cry as much as you need to."
"I... I-I... "
"Kairi." He takes me by the shoulders and looks me straight into the eyes. "You don't have to hold it in. That's not you being strong, that's just you trying to hold it back. You want to be strong, but you're not going about it the right way. Strength isn't about hold it in, it's having the courage to let it out and to let it go. Kairi, please, don't be afraid."
"I-I... I…"
"Kairi... you can only find great strength once you've suffered through great pain."
OH MY GOD!
Why did it have to happen?! Why me?! How could she have done this to me?! Why would she want to hurt me like this?! I'm so alone! No one was there! Why did this happen?! Why me?! Why?! Oh my god! It was so painful! Oh my god, it was so fucking painful! Oh my god! The noises! The nightmares?! Oh my god!
Oh my god! Oh my god!
Why?!
Why would she do this to me?!
Why would he do this to me?!
Oh god, why?!
"Just let it all out…"
It's been killing me for so long!
"You're okay."
What if it happened again?!
Oh my god, what if he kidnapped me and it happened all over again?!
Not again!
NOT AGAIN!
If it had happened again...
God damn it! Why did it have to be me?! Why did it have to be us?!
Mom, I love you! I'm so sorry! It's all my fault!
I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry!
"It's not your fault, Kairi... "
Reading my mind, I love him! But why?!
"I'm here for you, Kairi. I'll always be here for you."
But why?! I'm so disgusting!
I'm so sorry!
Oh god, I'm so sorry!
Sorry!
Sorry!
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry...
Sorry...
I… I...
I...
I...
"It's not you, Kairi."
I'm... okay...
I'm... okay...
It's not my fault...
I'm... okay...
I'm okay...
It kills me inside, but the difference is... the difference is...
I… I have control over it this time...
Yes, I can control this. I can... I can free myself from him... just like I did all those years ago.
I c-can do this.
And when the dust settles and my mind stops for just a moment, I feel... uplifted.
For years, the memory was repressed, but the fear of it never went away. I gradually lift my head, and the blurry images shake in my line of sight. I can't see him anymore. I take in a deep breath... I'm not in my room, and I'm not under the covers. I'm not afraid, I'm just here, in this moment.
And finally, after so long, I'm finally... like me.
"Kairi, are you alright?" he touches my arm, and for a moment, it startles me. But I calm myself and watch the ocean. I'm here, and I'm safe.
That's all that matters.
"You know what? I think I am."
o-o-o
Roxas' POV.
Dear Roxas, you're an idiot.
Sincerely, Roxas.
What the hell happened? It's been a few days since I last saw her and I guess we all know how that turned out. I'll admit, I was being sort of an ass, but I just can't understand what's going on…
Is it safe to say that we've broken up? Ugh, I don't know. I don't want to believe that. To keep myself sane, I've told myself repeatedly that everything is okay, that we're just at a speed bump. I guess she and I are just seeing the situation differently. To me, she's putting up a front, as if she's afraid to fall.
Yeah, definitely a bump in the road. Nothing we can't work through...
Damn it, why the hell am I such an idiot?! This is driving me insane…
But she's not being true to herself. I have to call her out on that, don't I? She told me the same thing before. She was the reason I decided to make a change!
Right. As if I know what's best for her.
What's going on with you, Namine? Why won't you let me help you? Or should I say Xion?
I glance at a picture of her new look on my computer screen. It's like it's a completely different person. That's not to say she looks bad, I mean, she's still my Namine. Naminéwould look good no matter what she does to her hair or wears, but it's like her personality just took a complete 180… her attitude, everything… it's so different.
But did it really come out of nowhere? Face it, man, she's been struggling from cyberbullying and abuse for the last four months and it's been slowly draining her inside, so I really shouldn't be all that surprised. I guess it's not so much that I didn't expect it, it's more so that I didn't want to see it happen. I tried to distract her, make her feel better about herself, but in the end, I failed. And I guess I've been too focused on what happened that I've been running away from the main question…
Is there really something I can do about it now? What am I supposed to do? Should I speak out against it?
My phone snaps me out of my reverie. Oh, it's just Axel. "Hey," I mumble.
"Dude," Axel says on the other line. "Have you seen your girlfriend? Since when did she get so freaking hot, man?"
Gee, that's what I just wanted to hear. "She's always been beautiful. What do you want, Axel?"
"Nah, I mean, Nam's always been beautiful, but more like in a, 'wow she's gorgeous, I wanna marry her someday' type of way. But with this Xion persona it's like, 'hot damn, when can I tap that?', you know? What's up with her?"
"...Did you just admit you wanted to marry my girlfriend at one point?"
"Dude, I want to marry your mom. Get over it."
Typical Axel. "Look, get to the point or I'm hanging up. I'm really not in the mood."
"Aww, hey what's wrong, my little sexy blond Koala bear?"
I decide to brush it off with a sigh. Axel will always be… well, Axel. "This Namine, Xion dual personality is just… it's a lot to take in, I guess."
Axel opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.
"And don't you dare make a that's what she said joke. Please?"
"You know, have a little faith in me, man. I was actually just about to say that I know what you're going through and I feel for you. I mean, this girl I'm smashing right now named Larxene, you know, the one who has a drama channel on YouTube? Total bitch, but I wouldn't have her any other way. If she comes up to me tomorrow dressed as a nun with a chastity belt over her crotch, I'll lose my shit. So, I get it."
I sigh. "Yeah, well, that's exactly what I did and I ended up making the situation even worse."
Axel goes silent for a brief moment. "Talk to me."
Well, this is a little awkward, but hell, why not? It'd be nice to get a second opinion. I think I would lose my mind, otherwise.
"It's been a couple days since I've last spoken with her, but I don't think I went about it the best way."
"You were a total dipshit, weren't you?"
"...yes." That's one way to put it.
"Let it all out."
Wow, for once he's not being a total stud. "Basically, I was trying to tell her that what she was doing was totally uncalled for, and that it wasn't like her at all. She's letting this Xion thing take over her life. I don't know what to do." Recalling the events that took place really isn't helping. I swallow a lump down my throat. "She told me that this was who she was and that even if I don't agree, as her boyfriend, I have to accept it. Just like that. I don't know, I guess we're both right and wrong in this circumstance."
Axel sighs. "You selfish, motherfucking shit biscuit."
I rub the back of my head. "Did I screw up that bad?"
"Uh, yeah," he says, as if it's obvious. Well, damn. "Listen, you heartless piece of dick. Maybe she is a little loose in the head right now, I mean, hell, she's basically an internet meme at this point. But she has a point, if you really love and care for her, you'll stand by her side and support her no matter what kind of decision she makes. You sound like a selfish asshole, acting like you can't be with her because she's not the way you want her to be, you moronic dipshit. She's an adult, so you need to treat her like one."
"So, let's say she decides to drink and do drugs. I should be okay with it because I'm her boyfriend, and support her because that's my job?"
"Is she hurting anyone right now?"
"She's hurting herself! These videos will never go away! People will always remember this one incident of her going off the deep end, and then if she ever goes back to normal, anything she posts after that will be seen as fake, and it will be way worse than before!"
"Still bent up on what people think, huh?" Axel chimes, and I fall back in my chair. "Listen, believe it or not, Naminé or Xion or whatever her name is, needs this. Bullying, if you can get through it, will make you a stronger person in the end. You know that. You were basically picked on until you were seventeen. If it weren't for me, you probably would have been one more toilet flush away from drowning."
"You don't have to remind me." I groan.
"But you're better now, right? Just keep your eyes on the prize, dumbass, and stick with her. This is who she is, and whether it lasts for another week or an entire year, you love her, right?"
Crap. His rare words of wisdom actually make sense. "Y-Yes."
Wait, what?
"So, shut your idiotic mouth and listen to her. That's all she wants."
I gulp and stare at the ceiling. Did I just admit that I…?
"O-Okay."
"If you want to help, you can't just be all direct about it. She's confused enough as it is, and you're only making it worse. Basically, she just wants somebody to look her in the eye and accept her, for freaking once, asshole. Before trying to go about your shitty way of fixing the problem, you first have to understand where she's coming from. You got that, you brainless fucktarded bastard?"
"...Fuck." I sigh. "I hate these moments where every once in awhile you're suddenly smart and make sense."
"Hey, I can be smart any time I want," he snaps. "But being smart just means I can't have fun."
I let out another sigh. "I guess I'll try to talk to her."
"Were you NOT listening to me? Don't talk, just sit her down and stare until she speaks. Women love to talk, especially when they think they've got our full, undivided attention."
"You dickwad."
Axel chuckles. "Glad to be of service. Now, to get to the real reason I called. I'm in your driveway. Come open the door."
"Seriously?" I groan, and peer out my window. Sure enough, he's there, waving to me with a wide grin on his face. Shaking my head, I hang up and go to let him in.
He's probably right. I have to do something, and fast.
o-o-o
Xion's POV.
Ugh. Seriously, screw winter.
I'd like to be in a more festive, holiday spirit but I'm not exactly jolly this season. It was my bright idea to only put on a sweater and a jacket when it's fucking thirty degrees outside. Well, at least Mollie's okay, with all that damn fur she basically has on like three jackets. But she won't stop tugging me forward as if she's in a hurry to get somewhere. Don't let her size fool you, this bitch is strong.
Siiggghhhhh... oh hey, I can see my breath.
I pull out my phone and check for any messages. No texts, no missed calls. Well, that's totally not depressing. But look, 99 plus e-mails. Probably about another thousand comments on some of videos including hate mail in my inbox telling me to go kill myself. Nothing out of the usual.
Except, well, he hasn't tried to contact me. He, who's name shall not be spoken of! I mean, is he not even going to try to get in touch with me? Is he really going to just give up on our relationship just like that?
Mollie stops right in front of a jewelry store to inspect a fire hydrant, allowing me to look at myself in the reflection of the window.
Why isn't he trying? I'm still pretty, aren't I? I mean, I know the new look is kinda different, but… it's been three days since we kinda broke up, but I'm not sure if we really did. I half expected him to call back to apologize, but I woke up the next morning with not even a single message from him. I posted like five selfies on Instagram, admittedly trying to show him what he's missing out on by being a jerk face, and yet, nothing. Not even a Twitter DM.
Maybe I should start working out? Like, is my body not enough or something? Come to think of it, it's not like he ever really tried to make a move…
Damn it.
Why am I so worked up about this? I guess I've just never had to experience a bad breakup before. My first relationship, and fucked it up.
Well, who needs him anyway? If he can't accept me for me, then he's just not the right guy. He never loved me because he cared, he only liked me for who he thought I was. Now I change, and totally bails out on me! If he really cared, he'd stick by me no matter what! Just who the hell does he think he is? So I'm not good enough for him anymore? He can go fuck himself, he's no better than any of the rest!
Mollie barks, snapping me out of it. I look down at her, offer an apologetic smile, and look back at my own reflection with a glare.
He, who's name shall not be mentioned, is officially dead to me.
I toss my hood over my head and continue making my way down the icy sidewalk with Mollie's leash in hand as she scampers with enthusiasm.
I reach into my pocket and pull out my earbuds, boot up some music on my phone and decide to just let all my thoughts go.
Ow!
Okay... at least, I would have if that jerk didn't bump me in the shoulder as he or she jogged past. Oh, fuck my life, they made me drop my phone! I pick it up to see it has a severe scratch on it. The touchscreen still works but I can barely see anything past it.
"Hey, watch it, asshole!" I shout.
The jogger, shrouded underneath their blue hoodie, turns around and removes their hood. "Hey... aren't you that crazy girl from the internet?" he asks.
"So what if I am?" I ask, lifting the damn near shattered phone and freezing earbuds. Guess I'm gonna have to just invest in some new ones.
He raises an eyebrow. "Man, you really do have issues." He throws his hood back over his head and keeps jogging.
What? Me? When you just totally bumped into me and broke my shit without even apologizing? Who the hell does he think he is?
With a growl, I immediately drop my broken phone and sprint after him. I'm done being the timid little wallflower everybody thinks they can just step on and not feel a damn thing about it.
I lift my knee and with all the strength I can muster, I charge into his back. He cries out in pain and goes tumbling to the cold concrete below.
"How about you learn some manners?!"
"Nyghhh… ugh, god damn it! You crazy bitch, what the fuck was that?"
"What'd you call me?!" I'm really tempted to grab him by his throat and beat this jackass into a bloody pulp!
But then I stop.
I look around and notice that I've attracted a small crowd. They whisper amongst each other, staring at me, and I can feel their judgement.
The guy looks absolutely pathetic, but it's my fault.
Even Mollie looks a little spooked, but nonetheless she barks at the jerk who just cost me a couple hundred dollars.
But what got into me? I totally just lost it back there. Where'd all that anger come from? It certainly wasn't there before?
Damn it.
Damn it.
Stop looking at me! Stop it!
They're all looking at me, judging me, with all their gossip, all their rumors! Can't I just live my life without you people labelling me?
Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT.
You don't know me!
I pick up Mollie and hightail it back home. Just stop! Why won't they stop looking at me?! Damn it, stop! Stop!
Leave me alone!
o-o-o
o-o-o
Sinful Serenata: HOLY FUDGE CRACKERZ LOOK AT THE COVER PHOTO IT IS AMAZinG! Drawn by SummonerDagger88, it is truly awesome. I had to crop it a little because of Fanfiction image rules and shit, but… GO to her DeviantArt and look at it! It is just…
I'm so happy she drew that. Didn't expect it at all! So, thank you!
And thank you, readers and reviewers, for continuing to stick with this story, even if we go a month or so without an update. We started this back in November, and now that we're nearing the end of the fic, it's getting real. Hahaha. I love writing with Palette. Really. She's the beez kneez. And I love reading your responses. So like always, please leave a comment. We really appreciate it.
Also, shout out to BlissfulNightRain for putting up with us lololol, you helped a lot!
'Til next time!
Painted With a Palette: O.M.G. SummonerDagger88, I looovee you! T.T Like, I totally didn't expect that, and it was so awesome of you to do that, so thank you thank thank you! Like Serenata said, check out her DeviantArt, she's so talented! Like holy crap. She's awesome!
:D And yes, I'm going to get all mushy and say Serenata is great too! Lol but seriously, thanks to everyone who's stuck with us this far into the story, we're almost at the end guys! Please leave a review!