Sticks and Stones
Chapter 21:
Daniel and Teal'c started hanging around Sam more since her little drinking escape, just like when she had first been allowed out of the infirmary. Her trip to self-pity land had obviously scarred them. She tried to sympathize with them but they were beginning to annoy her. After repeatedly trying to convince them that she was fine with the whole replicator ship crashing to Earth thing she threw them out of her house.
It was Saturday afternoon and for the first time in days, she was truly alone. She had promised to spend Sunday shopping with Cassie but now that she had told Teal'c and Daniel to vamoose it was quiet, she'd have said peaceful if she wasn't afraid that would curse everything. She cleaned up the house a bit, not that it really needed much attention. Teal'c had turned out to be very fastidious! Finally, she turned on her favorite Evanescence CD, at least Cassie said it was Sam's favorite, and drew up a warm bath. She soaked until her fingers were wrinkled and about ready to sprout mushrooms. She pulled on sweats and a tank top. She ran a brush through her hair and found a book to read.
She was curled up on the sofa reading when the sound of the doorbell grabbed her attention. She sat still, trying to decide if she wanted to answer it.
"Carter, are you in there?" She rolled her eyes and looked at the clock on the mantle. It had only been five hours since she had chased Daniel and Teal'c out the front door. They must have told Jack.
"This pizza's going to get cold if you keep me out here. Don't get me wrong, I could eat the whole thing but I would risk not being able to pass my next physical." Sam had moved to the door while he was yelling. Not only was she willing to use him for his pizza, preventing her from having to cook, but she also didn't want her neighbors to get annoyed. He smiled as she opened the door.
"I guess Daniel and Teal'c called." He looked down at the pizza box and scraped the toe of one boot across her doorstep.
"Yeah, but I would have shown up with dinner even if they hadn't called." Something in his eyes made her believe him. She stepped back and he walked past her to her kitchen. She closed the door and followed his lead. He got out plates and went to the fridge. After a couple of moments, he stood up with two cans of soda in his hands.
"I thought beer went better with pizza." She smiled a bit wickedly at him.
"Not tonight." His response and face were serious, too serious.
"So you're not here just to check up on me. There's a purpose to this visit." Her posture had stiffened as she spoke, going from Sam to Colonel Carter.
"The purpose is us." Jack picked up the pizza box with the plates and drink stacked on top and walked out to the living room. Sam didn't move. She knew her memories had included more and more feelings about him but their current jobs and apparent friendship had convinced her there wasn't an us. After gathering her wits and taking a few deep breaths, Sam joined Jack in her living room. He had already started eating and the sound of him opening his soda can made her jump.
They ate in silence. The tension was rising and they both got nervous. Sam kept running her hands through her hair and biting her lower lip. Jack was spinning the remote, just to keep his hands busy. Sam was the first to break.
"So, you said something about...us?"
"Yeah, I've been keeping up with your progress through the mission logs. Has anybody ever told you that you're a really fast reader?"
"Yeah, my kindergarten teacher." Sam's foot was jiggling and Jack was running his hands up and down his pants.
"It must have been hard to keep you entertained. I bet you were a pistol in school." Jack gave a slight grin.
"I was always little miss goodie-goodie as Mark put it, but I'm not letting you change the subject."
"Right, the subject." Sam let out a very exasperated sigh.
"You said US!" Jack looked surprised at her outburst. He reminded himself this was all still fresh for her. He had been dealing with it for years.
"Right, us. We never said anything, never sat down like this and talked."
"But?" She turned her head to look at him out of the corner of her eyes. His nervousness was palpable.
"On Apophis' new ship, while we were all supered up, we had one of those moments of blinding clarity. You know the kind where you suddenly realize something you really want is about to be taken away from you and you can't do anything to prevent it."
"I remember. You wouldn't leave. I didn't want you to die." Jack reached out and took her hand.
"A couple weeks later we were forced to talk about that moment, to prove we hadn't been brain washed by a Goa'uld."
"That sounds incredibly embarrassing." Sam's eyes had widened slightly.
"And in front of Anise, just to add insult to injury."
"She's the one who likes you, isn't she?" Sam grinned at his obvious discomfort.
"The snake likes Daniel." Sam couldn't stop the chuckle. It made Jack grin. Jack's face sobered. "We decided to keep it in the room so to speak."
"You mean we decided to ignore it, for the sake of the team."
"Something like that, yeah. The timing really sucked too."
"Why?"
"You had to kill Martouf to protect the President."
"Oh." Sam let go of Jack's hand and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I did that?"
"He asked you to do it, so Anise could use his body to figure out the brain washing stuff."
"Oh. So you're here to let me know we decided to just be friends." Her eyes locked with his. He could see a mix of pain and desire.
"That was our decision at the time. We have had reasons to revisit that decision over the years."
"Really?" Her eyebrows rose and a little hope returned to her face.
"In the end the answer has always ended up the same. We aren't more important then saving the world."
"So why come here to tell me this? I would have remembered it all eventually."
"True, but at the time we didn't really ever talk about how we felt or why we made the choices we made. This time I want us to talk about it."
"You want to talk about it?" He turned his body so he was facing her on the sofa. He enveloped one of her hands in both of his.
"Yes, I don't want to leave it hanging between us. I want you to be comfortable telling me what you remember. I don't want to spend the next month or two walking on eggshells, afraid you're going to be mad at me about something stupid I did that hurt your feelings or confused about where things are between us. I want us to talk, everyday if necessary." His sincerity struck a deep chord in her heart. She wanted to lean towards him, wrap her arms around him, and kiss him but he had just said it didn't turn out that way.
"If I didn't know I was engaged to another man when I lost my memories then I would have been tempted to believe we worked out one day. I've thought a lot about that the last couple of days."
"I thought maybe you had been."
"How did you know?"
"You get a certain look on your face when you get all deep and stuff." Jack shrugged a shoulder and grinned.
"Sounds like you know me very well." Jack nodded.
"We are best friends." His fingers were rubbing her hand.
"Just like you and Daniel?" Jack looked into her eyes for several moments before he shook his head three times.
"No." To Sam's surprise, the conversation ended there. Jack picked up the remote and turned so he was facing the television instead of Sam. He put his arm around her shoulders and turned on the television. She woke the next morning in her own bed, wearing the same sweats and tank top she had put on after her bath the day before. She hadn't had any nightmares. She felt more rested then she had in weeks.
There was note beside her bed. She picked it up and opened the folded paper.
Sam,
I hope you rested well. You fell asleep before the end of the second inning. I hung around until the end of the game but you were sound asleep so I let myself out. I'll see you Monday at work. Please come and talk to me whenever your memories make you question anything.
Jack
Sam lay in bed contemplating his words. Perhaps talking to him would make it easier. She hated the thought of continuing on the emotional roller coaster she had been riding the last couple of weeks. Sam smiled as she got up to shower and get ready for lunch and shopping with Cassie. Talk. She could talk. There wasn't anything hard about talking, right?
Daniel and Teal'c started hanging around Sam more since her little drinking escape, just like when she had first been allowed out of the infirmary. Her trip to self-pity land had obviously scarred them. She tried to sympathize with them but they were beginning to annoy her. After repeatedly trying to convince them that she was fine with the whole replicator ship crashing to Earth thing she threw them out of her house.
It was Saturday afternoon and for the first time in days, she was truly alone. She had promised to spend Sunday shopping with Cassie but now that she had told Teal'c and Daniel to vamoose it was quiet, she'd have said peaceful if she wasn't afraid that would curse everything. She cleaned up the house a bit, not that it really needed much attention. Teal'c had turned out to be very fastidious! Finally, she turned on her favorite Evanescence CD, at least Cassie said it was Sam's favorite, and drew up a warm bath. She soaked until her fingers were wrinkled and about ready to sprout mushrooms. She pulled on sweats and a tank top. She ran a brush through her hair and found a book to read.
She was curled up on the sofa reading when the sound of the doorbell grabbed her attention. She sat still, trying to decide if she wanted to answer it.
"Carter, are you in there?" She rolled her eyes and looked at the clock on the mantle. It had only been five hours since she had chased Daniel and Teal'c out the front door. They must have told Jack.
"This pizza's going to get cold if you keep me out here. Don't get me wrong, I could eat the whole thing but I would risk not being able to pass my next physical." Sam had moved to the door while he was yelling. Not only was she willing to use him for his pizza, preventing her from having to cook, but she also didn't want her neighbors to get annoyed. He smiled as she opened the door.
"I guess Daniel and Teal'c called." He looked down at the pizza box and scraped the toe of one boot across her doorstep.
"Yeah, but I would have shown up with dinner even if they hadn't called." Something in his eyes made her believe him. She stepped back and he walked past her to her kitchen. She closed the door and followed his lead. He got out plates and went to the fridge. After a couple of moments, he stood up with two cans of soda in his hands.
"I thought beer went better with pizza." She smiled a bit wickedly at him.
"Not tonight." His response and face were serious, too serious.
"So you're not here just to check up on me. There's a purpose to this visit." Her posture had stiffened as she spoke, going from Sam to Colonel Carter.
"The purpose is us." Jack picked up the pizza box with the plates and drink stacked on top and walked out to the living room. Sam didn't move. She knew her memories had included more and more feelings about him but their current jobs and apparent friendship had convinced her there wasn't an us. After gathering her wits and taking a few deep breaths, Sam joined Jack in her living room. He had already started eating and the sound of him opening his soda can made her jump.
They ate in silence. The tension was rising and they both got nervous. Sam kept running her hands through her hair and biting her lower lip. Jack was spinning the remote, just to keep his hands busy. Sam was the first to break.
"So, you said something about...us?"
"Yeah, I've been keeping up with your progress through the mission logs. Has anybody ever told you that you're a really fast reader?"
"Yeah, my kindergarten teacher." Sam's foot was jiggling and Jack was running his hands up and down his pants.
"It must have been hard to keep you entertained. I bet you were a pistol in school." Jack gave a slight grin.
"I was always little miss goodie-goodie as Mark put it, but I'm not letting you change the subject."
"Right, the subject." Sam let out a very exasperated sigh.
"You said US!" Jack looked surprised at her outburst. He reminded himself this was all still fresh for her. He had been dealing with it for years.
"Right, us. We never said anything, never sat down like this and talked."
"But?" She turned her head to look at him out of the corner of her eyes. His nervousness was palpable.
"On Apophis' new ship, while we were all supered up, we had one of those moments of blinding clarity. You know the kind where you suddenly realize something you really want is about to be taken away from you and you can't do anything to prevent it."
"I remember. You wouldn't leave. I didn't want you to die." Jack reached out and took her hand.
"A couple weeks later we were forced to talk about that moment, to prove we hadn't been brain washed by a Goa'uld."
"That sounds incredibly embarrassing." Sam's eyes had widened slightly.
"And in front of Anise, just to add insult to injury."
"She's the one who likes you, isn't she?" Sam grinned at his obvious discomfort.
"The snake likes Daniel." Sam couldn't stop the chuckle. It made Jack grin. Jack's face sobered. "We decided to keep it in the room so to speak."
"You mean we decided to ignore it, for the sake of the team."
"Something like that, yeah. The timing really sucked too."
"Why?"
"You had to kill Martouf to protect the President."
"Oh." Sam let go of Jack's hand and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I did that?"
"He asked you to do it, so Anise could use his body to figure out the brain washing stuff."
"Oh. So you're here to let me know we decided to just be friends." Her eyes locked with his. He could see a mix of pain and desire.
"That was our decision at the time. We have had reasons to revisit that decision over the years."
"Really?" Her eyebrows rose and a little hope returned to her face.
"In the end the answer has always ended up the same. We aren't more important then saving the world."
"So why come here to tell me this? I would have remembered it all eventually."
"True, but at the time we didn't really ever talk about how we felt or why we made the choices we made. This time I want us to talk about it."
"You want to talk about it?" He turned his body so he was facing her on the sofa. He enveloped one of her hands in both of his.
"Yes, I don't want to leave it hanging between us. I want you to be comfortable telling me what you remember. I don't want to spend the next month or two walking on eggshells, afraid you're going to be mad at me about something stupid I did that hurt your feelings or confused about where things are between us. I want us to talk, everyday if necessary." His sincerity struck a deep chord in her heart. She wanted to lean towards him, wrap her arms around him, and kiss him but he had just said it didn't turn out that way.
"If I didn't know I was engaged to another man when I lost my memories then I would have been tempted to believe we worked out one day. I've thought a lot about that the last couple of days."
"I thought maybe you had been."
"How did you know?"
"You get a certain look on your face when you get all deep and stuff." Jack shrugged a shoulder and grinned.
"Sounds like you know me very well." Jack nodded.
"We are best friends." His fingers were rubbing her hand.
"Just like you and Daniel?" Jack looked into her eyes for several moments before he shook his head three times.
"No." To Sam's surprise, the conversation ended there. Jack picked up the remote and turned so he was facing the television instead of Sam. He put his arm around her shoulders and turned on the television. She woke the next morning in her own bed, wearing the same sweats and tank top she had put on after her bath the day before. She hadn't had any nightmares. She felt more rested then she had in weeks.
There was note beside her bed. She picked it up and opened the folded paper.
Sam,
I hope you rested well. You fell asleep before the end of the second inning. I hung around until the end of the game but you were sound asleep so I let myself out. I'll see you Monday at work. Please come and talk to me whenever your memories make you question anything.
Jack
Sam lay in bed contemplating his words. Perhaps talking to him would make it easier. She hated the thought of continuing on the emotional roller coaster she had been riding the last couple of weeks. Sam smiled as she got up to shower and get ready for lunch and shopping with Cassie. Talk. She could talk. There wasn't anything hard about talking, right?