Hearts left behind

Alice hadn't slept this good in a long time. Between her lack of sleep the night before and the warmth of Hatter at her back, she'd easily fallen into a deep slumber. His face was buried in her hair and she'd woken up because his stubble was tickling her neck. She shifted just enough to get away from his face and tried not to wake him. It was still early and she was looking forward to a few more hours of sleep.

That wasn't going to happen now that Hatter was stirring behind her. He pulled her closer and kissed her neck. "Morning, Kettle."

She rolled over and settled her head on his chest. "Morning. Sleep well?"

"Mmmhmm." he mumbled. He rubbed her back and shoulder and didn't make any moves to get out of bed. Maybe he'd been as exhausted as she was and she'd be able to get him to sleep in for once.

The buzzer for the door sliced through the silence. Hatter chuckled as she startled in response to the harsh noise. He kissed her one more time before going to the intercom. It was Nine, saying he was here to pick up Hatter.

"I forgot all about this. I'm supposed to go see Turtle today and get my papers. I should have been up an hour ago." He rushed around dressing quickly and running his hand through his untamable hair.

She watched him hop around, hurrying to get his pants on. She couldn't help but laugh and he shot her a sideways glare.

"Oh, I suppose you think it's funny, do you? I'll have you know it's your fault I sleep in."

She drew her knees up, wrapping her arms around them and propping her chin up. "How is it my fault?"

Before she knew it he was on the bed, moving up the length of her body. The heat she saw in his eyes made her lean back into the pillows as he advanced. "Because since you've taken up sleeping in my bed I haven't wanted to leave it."

He kissed her, running a hand down her chest. She moaned into his mouth and arched up towards his touch. He rose up on his elbows and sighed, looking down at her kissed bruised lips. "Unfortunately I do have to leave today."

He kissed her again, this time just a quick peck. She watched as he grabbed his coat and flipped his hat on. "So is there anything you want me to take care of while you're gone? Maybe I could help Dormie or something."

"No," he said. "Dormie should start making some decisions on his own. This place will be his so he might as well do as he likes. Besides, we only have a few days to pack before we leave for your world. If ya want to help me, you can go through my things. We can't bring much with us so let's narrow it down to whatever we can't replace on your side."

It was ridiculously silly but whenever he used words like 'us' or 'we' she always got that warm feeling in her chest. She nestled down in the pillows, closed her eyes and smiled. "Alright, I'll work on that. See you when you get back."

"You're going back to sleep, aren't you?"

She pulled the blanket up close to her face and cracked one eye open. "Maybe."

"Sweet dreams then." he said, laughing as he left.

She only got another hour of sleep before the room became too warm and bright to let her sleep any longer. She dressed and looked around the apartment, trying to decide where to start. His books would be the easiest to short through so she'd start there.

She looked over the books carefully, pulling out anything that looked like an early edition or a title she'd never heard of. Any Wonderland book went into a second pile, both stacked neatly on the couch. Hatter could go through them for a final sort when he got back.

After going through the books, she debated what to do next. She wanted to stick to things that were safe and not too personal. Even though he'd given her permission to go through his things, she still didn't want to invade his privacy. She figured things he kept out in the open were ok for her to sort through but anything closed off or tucked away, she mentally marked as off limits. There was a chest she wasn't going to dig through and she wasn't touching the boxes in the closet either.

Clothes were safe but there was no way she could go through his, that would just be a waste of time. Knowing Hatter, he probably wanted to take his whole wardrobe with him. She could just imagine showing up at the Looking Glass, chucking one suitcase after another through to her world. She laughed out loud at the thought. No, she wouldn't let him leave with more than two suitcases full of shirts and hats.

She should probably go through her own things and decide what she wanted to take with her. It would be a shame to let Lettie's gifts go to waste. She didn't want to take up any more space than was necessary in their bags but there were a few dresses she really wanted to keep. She decided to start with the clothes in the dresser first, that would be the fastest place to start, then she'd move on to the closet.

Hatter had given her the top drawer to use for her undergarments and any other personal things she had. She sifted through it's contents, setting aside a few things to keep. The dresser had four drawers and she had no idea what was in the other three. She peeked inside each, not trying to be nosy of course, just to see what was in there and if it was safe for her to go through. The first one was filled with boxers and the second one was filled with socks.

The bottom drawer was pretty much empty except for a few pairs of pants. She closed the drawer but paused when she heard a small clanking sound coming from it. There was nothing in there that could make that noise. She pulled the drawer out again and emptied it. Once it was empty, she could see that this one had a false bottom to it. She sat looking at the empty drawer, silently debating on whether or not she should snoop around. Looking in the drawers had already been pushing the privacy issue, and going through something Hatter obviously didn't want found definitely crossed the line.

In the end curiosity won out and she worked at pulling the false bottom up. If it was something she wasn't supposed to see, she could always pretend she'd never found anything. The bottom lifted out and she stared down at the items before her.

There was several bottles of Tea, which explained the clanking noise she heard. She cautiously rolled the bottles right side up so she could read each label. Most of the Teas were familiar: Bliss, Lust, Excitement. Others, she'd never heard of: Anticipation, Optimism, Awe, Enthrallment and Submission. She picked up a bottle, much smaller than the others, containing only a few drops of clear liquid. Unlike the rest, this one just had a paper label on the side that read, Love. How in the world did they milk Love out of people?

Why would Hatter have all of this anyway? He said he didn't use Tea and she believed him. A lot of them were uncommon, maybe that was why he hid them away. She stared down at the vile in her hands. She unscrewed the cap and sniffed it. It had no smell, as far as she knew it could just be water in there. She wondered what it would taste like.

What would it feel like if she tried a drop? Being an Oyster, could she even get a high off Tea?

She quickly put everything back where she found it. What the hell was she thinking? Tea was awful, how could she even consider trying it? What would Hatter think of her if he came home and found her high on Tea?

She pushed the idea of Tea from her mind and was about to move on to the closet when she spotted the books on top of the dresser. They were what had been in her drawer before Hatter let her use it. Two plain looking books and a small box. She gathered them up and took them over to the couch to add them to the keep pile.

Both books were leather-bound and looked pretty old and well read. The first was a book of short stories, little fables and fairytales. The second one was handwritten. It appeared to be a recipe book of some kind but none of the ingredient names were familiar.

The little box was made of wood and had some bird creatures painted on the top and sides. She tentatively opened it. Inside were little figures and small animals, marbles and little bits of string. These were children's toys, maybe they were Hatter's. She pulled each item out, setting them up on the table. At the very bottom was a old black and white photo.

In the picture was a woman and two young children, a boy and a girl. She could tell right away by the dimpled smile and buck teeth that the little boy was Hatter. He grinned up at her from the photo, proudly holding up a very large fish.

The girl was older than him by a few years and had long, dark hair twisted in two braids over her shoulders. The woman had to be his mother. She had Hatter's eyes and that same bright smile.

This box, those two books, the photo, were they all he had left from the White Side? She put the toys back in the box but kept the photo out. She had just set it down when she heard the door downstairs open.

Hatter came into the room and tossed a thick brown envelop on the table in front of her. Judging by his stance and the aggravated look on his face she could tell things hadn't gone as smoothly as he thought they would.

"Do you know what's wrong with you Oysters?" He reached down and jabbed his finger repeatedly into the envelope before her. "This is what's wrong with your world. Ya need a bloody paper for everything on your side."

He didn't give her a chance to respond. He snatched the envelope up and started pulling identification out, stating how pointless each piece was as he went. By the time he pulled out his new birth certificate, she couldn't hold back her laughter anymore.

"Alice, it's not funny. Even you have to admit it's madness that I have to have a piece of paper saying I was born. You'd think that one would be obvious."

"There's reasons, Hatter, trust me." She flipped through the papers and paused when she came to a license. "Jack, actually gave you a Drivers license?"

"Yeah, I'm quite keen on that one. He said I'd need it to drive motor vehicles round your city."

Drive around the city? She didn't even drive in the city, not if she could help it anyway. "You don't know how to drive."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I flew a Flamingo, how hard could it be?"

"Big difference."

He rolled his eyes at her and gathered up his identification. His hand still clutching the papers tightly as his eyes fell on the picture she had found. For a moment he was frozen staring down at the picture of the smiling woman and children.

"That's you, isn't it?" she asked.

He walked away from her and over to the closet. "Yeah that's me. It's just an old photo. Put it away will ya?"

He was trying to avoid talking to her about his past, again. She wasn't going to let him avoid things this time. She picked up the picture and joined him across the room. "And the woman? Who is she?"

"We really need to start packing. Jack, says the Looking Glass should be working in a day or so." He was flipping through shirts, occasionally pulling one off the hanger only to toss it carelessly on the bed. "How many shirts do you think I should bring? I doubt you Oysters cater to my style. I might have a hard time finding things I like."

"Hatter."

He pulled out a green silk shirt, looking it over carefully. "Of course, I should be trying to fit in. I'm already going to stick out like a sore thumb, I should try not to draw attention to myself, yeah?"

"Hatter!"

He shifted uncomfortably and avoided her eyes.

"Is she your mother?"

Hatter finally met her eyes and he gave her a piteous look. She was pushing him in this and she knew it but there was no way she was going to let it go. She needed to know about this woman and his family and she wasn't going to let him run away from that.

He looked down at the photo. "Yeah."

"Is she still there? On the White Side?"

He walked away from her again, heading over to the bed and fussing with his shirts. "Alice it's not important."

She was floored. How could he say that about his mother? Never in a million years would she say her mother wasn't important. What the hell was going on with him that he would say something like that.

"Not important? Hatter, look at her." She carefully waved the photo before him. "Tell me she's not important."

He stared down at the photo longingly.

"Tell me why you left the White side. And be honest! No lying about how terrible it was or how everyone is crazy. Lettie is White Side and she's not crazy. And life here has to be harder than there, especially for you. I want the truth Hatter."

He took the picture from her and set it on the nightstand, face down so he wouldn't have to look at it."It's a long story and I think you'll find you don't like the ending. I'm not proud of what I did."

"Hatter, there's nothing you could say that would change how I feel about you. If we're going to move forward together then we have to be honest with each other."

This wasn't something he ever planned on telling anyone. He'd never even told Lettie the real reason he left with her and James. Lettie had obviously told her what she knew and had more than likely admitted that she didn't know all the reasons behind his actions. He had no other options but to tell her the truth. Lying to her about this could shatter the fragile bond of trust he'd built with her and he wasn't willing to take that chance.

They were sitting on the bed now, side by side. Alice was close to him but not touching. Like she was trying to give him space but still be close. It was a sweet gesture and sitting like this, he could let his eyes wander over the room instead of her face. It helped settle his unease a little.

"Ok, tell me what Lettie told you, so I at least know where to start."

He listened to her as she retold Lettie's version of events. Lettie loved telling that story and he'd heard it many times before. It was all true as far as he knew. Hearing it again brought back bittersweet memories.

"You said your life would be better anywhere but home and that you didn't trust James."

Again, that was true. He'd been so sick of his family, mostly his father, that it didn't matter where he went as long as it wasn't home. And he really hadn't trusted James. He'd been especially wary because Lettie was so in love with James. He'd never seen two people act like that before and he thought Lettie was throwing away good judgment in running away with someone she hardly knew.

Fate had a sick sense of humor. It was ironic that Alice felt the same way about their relationship.

"But that's not why you left, is it?" she asked.

"No. I left because my father insisted on Lettie marrying my brother. It didn't matter what Lettie wanted, my father wasn't going to let her or James ruin his 'business deal'." That's what his father had said, that he wasn't about to let some underclass scum ruin his business deal.

"I always liked the idea of Lettie marrying into my family. I wanted her to be my real sister. But when they told her she couldn't be with James and that she had to marry Kenny, she was devastated. Her family, my family, none of them cared if she was happy."

She leaned forward, trying to catch his eye. "But you did, didn't you?"

He looked at her, smiling at him like she already knew the outcome of all this. It didn't bring him any comfort. "Course I did, I love Lettie. She came to me to say goodbye and tell me that she and James were running away and that she'd probably never see me again. She said she loved me and she would miss me but that she had to leave. I was furious, my father treated me like I was... an unwanted burden and now he was forcing Lettie to leave me."

"I never stood up to my father before, but that night I did. I yelled at him and cursed at him and we were both screaming at each other. When my mother stepped between us, I though she was going to defend me. She was forced into marriage just like Lettie and I though she was finally going to put my father in his place."

"Instead, she turned on me and told me to be quiet and respect him. She said that he was the one who put a roof over our heads and food on our plates and that as long as I lived there, I needed to respect his decisions."

His thirteen year old self hadn't taken that well. He'd felt like his mother was betraying him. His mother who he had always felt he needed to protect, who loved him despite the things his father said about him, was siding with the enemy. That was how he had seen things.

"I didn't run away because of my father, I was used to him and how he treated me. If my mother would have stood up with me I never would have left. But she didn't. I left because of what she said. I was angry with her because she never once stood up to my father on anything. Not once did she confront him about the way he treated her or me or anyone. I always though it was because she was just timid. Then the one chance she gets to really prove herself, to stand up with me against him, and she didn't take it. I was defending her as much as I was Lettie and she turned on me anyway. I felt completely alone."

He felt her fingers work between his. He hadn't even realized that he been clenching his fist until she pried his hand open. "What did you do?"

"I left. I packed a bag full of my things and I left with Lettie and James."

He looked down at their joined hands. The next part of the story he knew she wouldn't like. Maybe she'd understand but more than likely she was going to think badly of him. "I left my mother a note. I told her that I wasn't going to live with my father anymore. I blamed her and called her a coward. I told her that I wasn't going to stay and watch her lose what was left of herself. I told her I didn't respect her and that I was disappointed in her."

That last bit was what he wished he could take back. He never should have said that to her, even if it was just on paper. Those were his father's words and he'd redirected them at his mother. She got enough of that from his father, she really didn't need to hear it from her son as well. That letter wasn't intended to let her know that he was leaving, he meant to hurt her with it. He was disgusted how much like his father he'd acted in that moment. It was the only thing he regretted about the way he left.

"I abandoned her, Alice. I was the only one in that house who was willing to look out for her and I left her there. I'm not proud of it and I wasn't strong enough to forgive her. She was just trying to keep the peace but I didn't see it that way."

She was silent but she hadn't pulled her hand away from him. He took that as a good sign. "So that's it, now you know the reason why I left."

She nodded in understanding. "And you haven't seen her or talked to her since?"

A lot of times Alice would ask a question that he found completely ridiculous until he reminded himself that she wasn't from here and didn't know the simple things. "No, I haven't. There's no communication between here and the White Side. I regret what I did but there's no way I can see her again."

"Well, you have too."

He snapped his head up and stared at her. Maybe she didn't understand. "No, I cant. There's no way for me to go home. People don't travel between the Sides, it's against the law."

"Hatter, the three of you crossed into the Red Side. What's to stop us from going to the White Side?"

"We were children, Alice. What we did was incredibly stupid. If the Queen's Suits had caught us we'd have been executed."

She shifted on the bed so he had no choice but to look at her while they talked. "Then we'll ask Jack for permission to cross into the White Side. Charlie needs someone to be an ambassador anyway, we can kill two birds with one stone."

He wanted to tell her that was a stupid idea but the truth was, it was a damn good plan. Jack would probably jump at the offer of help and Charlie would be ecstatic that they were willing to go. It was such a logical reason for going that no one would argue against them going.

He used the impossibility of returning home as an excuse to not face what he'd done to his mother. Now, because of his stubborn, pushy, bossy, little Oyster, there was nothing stopping him from going home but his fear. What had happened in the years since he'd been away? Would his mother even want to see him? What if she wanted nothing to do with him? Or worse, what if his father had worn away his mother's spirit to the point where she was just a shell of her former self? He really didn't think he could live with that level of guilt.

"I can't go back. I don't know what my mother thinks of me but I'm sure it's not good."

She stood and towered over him. "It doesn't matter what she thinks of you! You have no idea what it's like to be the one left behind. I looked for my dad for ten years, Hatter, ten years! Every day I wondered where he was, if he was ok or if he was even alive."

She was starting to tear up and she turned her face away from him. "You have no idea what it's like."

"It's not like I don't want to go back, Alice, it's just..." He honestly didn't know what to tell her. He wasn't prepared when she turned around and yelled at him, looking as angry as he'd ever seen her.

"NO! You're the one who left! You know where you are and you know where they still are, but they have no idea what happened to you!" Her hands were clenched at her sides and angry tears slipped from her eyes.

"There's no point going back. What good would it do to go all the way to the White Side just to tell her I'm leaving Wonderland for good."

"Because you need to tell her you're ok, that you're alive. She deserves to know what happened to you."

This was getting way out of hand. She was getting upset because she was relating this to her father. He moved to comfort her but she just stepped away and wiped at her tears with the back of her hand.

"Do you have any idea what I would do to see my father again? You have no clue what I would give up just to have him back, even for a day or an hour. It would be enough just to hold him and tell him I love him. It doesn't matter how long you're there for, what matters is you're there. This isn't about you. You're the one who left, as far as I'm concerned you have no right to consider how any of this effects you. You need to give her closure on this."

He ran his hand through his hair, removing his hat and flinging it on the bed. "This is why I didn't want to tell you. Look at how upset you are and how mad at me you are. I knew this is how you'd react to what I've done."

She seemed to calm down a bit but he could tell she was still upset. "I am mad at you... but not for leaving. If you hadn't left home you never would have come here and I never would have met you. I'm mad because you don't see a problem with never going back."

"And what about the deadline for the closing of the Looking Glass? I thought you were worried about how much time we have on your side before that happens. You realize that going to the White Side takes away from that, don't you?" Bringing up the deadline was a long shot but it was the last good reason he had for not going so he had to use it.

She threw her hands in the air in exasperation. "I can't believe you. How many excuses are you going to come up with? I'm willing to sacrifice time in my world so you can take care of your business here."

He opened his mouth to argue with her but she cut him off. "It's been fifteen years and you still feel guilty about how you left. How do you think you're going to feel five years from now, or ten? It will be too late then to go back. This could be your last chance to make things right, Hatter."

He sighed and looked at the floor. She was right, he knew she was right. That didn't make it any easier to do.

She grabbed his hands and forced him to look at her. "You have to do this. We'll go back and everything will be fine, you'll see. I'll be right there with you."

He looked into her eyes and saw what looked like desperation. Maybe she needed this. Maybe this was a way for her to deal with her father and all the unresolved issues she had.

"Alright, if Jack goes along with this whole ambassador thing, then we can go. But if we can't find my family, we're turning around and coming back. Do you understand?"

She nodded and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I can live with that. I just wish you wanted to do this as much as I want you too."

"We'll see." he said returning her embrace.

A/n

White Side here we come!

This chapter was incredibly difficult to write for some reason. I'm not sure if I conveyed what I was trying to say correctly but I feel this is the best I can do at the moment. If you have comments or constructive criticism please feel free to leave it.

Now...the part where she finds the emotions. Think about this, I'm sure Hatter has a stash of hidden Tea somewhere. I mean come on, he's Hatter. I know she didn't try any of them in this story but... there's nothing to stop some very talented, very kind author, from writing a story where she does. Hint, hint. I'm going to toy around with this and see if I can come up with a one-shot but, You can help yourself and create your own. It would be lovely if someone would adopt this little plot-bunny. He's free to a good home!