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Her eyes never waver from the mug of cocoa in her hands. Not even as it is slowly growing colder with the minutes blurring seamlessly into one another. She had taken one sip, at the start, when the liquid had been so scalding hot she'd burned her tongue just the slightest bit.
She plays with the small bit of whipped cream that's still leftover. The rest of the huge stack that had once resided on top of the cocoa was now melted into a white-brown mesh of colours. Emma absentmindedly dips a finger into the cold mess, stirs it slowly as the words continue to spill from her lips.
At some point, when she nears the ending of the the story, she can feel a hand slowly sliding over her own, which is grasping the mug in a grip that is almost painful in it's intensity. The hand curls around her fingers slowly, squeezing a little in comfort and Emma sighs, closes her eyes and relaxes for the first time since she started talking.
"I'm doing better now," she says, eyes finally glancing up to meet her mother's glistening ones. "Honestly I'm fine, there's no need.."
To worry, she finishes inside her head. The words echo around in her thoughts, confronting her with the fact that even now, she was trying to deflect possible painful questions before they could be asked. The same way she had in the past. It was a defense mechanism, much like running had been for her, for as long as she could remember.
"Emma, oh honey..."
She swallows with difficulty. These are her parents she has to remind herself. And they knew now. Lying about how she was still struggling at times with these resurfaced memories would only end up harming their growing bond. Would only negate the way she had just opened herself up to them.
It is the feel of her mother's arms enveloping her into a tight hug that finally makes the dam burst. She cries for a long time, her sobs half-muffled by her mother's shoulder. Fingers slowly comb through her hair and Emma can't remember ever feeling so protected, so loved.
"I wish you would've told us sooner, Emma," Mary Margaret speaks up after her sobs die down a little, hesitation causing short pauses between her words."I wish... We really would've liked to help you with this, in any way we could."
"I know," Emma mumbles, using the sleeve of her sweater to wipe away a few of the tears as she extricates herself from her mother's hold. "I just.." she sighs and smiles at David when he places a hand on her shoulder. "When the nightmares happened initially, I pretended I was fine, like it wasn't happening, or at the very least...that they would pass. I..uh, I drank quite a bit to numb it all and when that stopped working I sorta skipped sleeping altogether."
"Is that why you had a breakdown at the station?" David questions curiously, a frown tugging at his eyebrows. "You know I can take over for a while longer, even now, if you need some more time off."
"David is right, if you need some more time for yourself, we can Henry over too. And honey, you know we're always here if you feel the need to talk, right?"
Emma licks her lips, tasting the saltiness the tears she shed left behind and flashes a grateful smile at her parents.
"That's something I'm still learning you know?" When her mother gives her a confused look, her smile grows a little. "Being a parent, having parents, actually talking to them. It all just..happened so fast. And I-I..there has been some foster families in the past that were great but they were never..real, they were not my real parents, they weren't...you. So for everything I just did, it's new to me, like a learning process. I never really opened myself up to people before. Because in the past, all that got me was being stomped all over, being pointed at, being looked at like I was damaged goods. I never had people that cared, that saw past all that, I never had people listening to me, like you just did, without being judgmental about it all. So I'm learning and the reason I didn't tell you before was because I didn't know how, because it scared me so much. It scared me to think of what your reactions might be. And it scared me when I realized it would change everything. I didn't tell you, not because I didn't trust you, I didn't tell you because you matter so much to me that it literally terrified me when I thought of the impact this would have on our growing relationship."
"All of this is new for us too," Mary Margaret speaks up after a moment, hands moving to cover Emma's own, tears shining in her eyes once more. "Everything is. Sometimes there are things I'd like to ask you, or sometimes I wonder if there's things you would want to ask us and I...don't know how to approach it." Emma watches as she fidgets, glances up at David who is standing beside her as if asking silently for help. "The last time we were parents Emma, was when you were just born. When I held you in my arms for that brief moment , God I was so happy, we were both so very happy and then we had to..just let you go again. It broke my heart, sometimes when I think about it, it still does in a way. So I do know about how new this all is, it's new for me every time I see you and realize we've missed 28 years of watching you grow up."
"Do you still...think about that sometimes?" Emma questions carefully, chewing the inside of her cheeks nervously.
"About putting you in the wardrobe?" David prompts. His eyes are slightly glassy like he's actually remembering it somehow and Emma thinks it's probably not too far from the truth. "Yes," he whispers softly. "Yes I've thought about it ever since the curse broke. I've wondered many times whether we did the right thing Emma. Sometimes I think I might even regret... At the time I thought we were doing the right thing, but right now? Right now I don't know...I really don't know if we did. I just.."
"Because of what I just told you?"
Emma watches as he dips his head, a guilty look on his face, tears shining brightly in his eyes. She shakes her head slowly, because she got where he came from. She got the blame he tried to pile on top of himself, continuously beating yourself up over things that happened and you couldn't change back no matter how much you wanted them to. Emma got all of it because she had done the same damned thing so often in the past. Questioning herself if she shouldn't have kept Henry after all, especially during the first few months after her release from prison; when she had had nothing else to do but wander around aimlessly, feeling more lost than she ever had and having no one to turn to for help to get through it all.
"You know there were times when I wanted to blame you for all of that crap. There were times when I wondered what the hell was so wrong with me that I had to be abandoned as a baby and dumped somewhere in the woods."
Emma pauses, closes her eyes against the feelings that still assault her at times when she thinks about all of it. Yes, she used to want to blame them too, maybe a part of her still wants to at times. But a larger part of her is glad that she found them eventually, that she has a family now. And she thinks it's more important that she has this now, way more important than dwelling on the crap that happened in the past, than trying to pin the blame on anyone.
"Emma.." Mary Margaret exclaims softly as she puts her hands on Emma's cheeks and holds her gently, soothingly. "I'm so sorry..."
"I can't blame you anymore than I can blame anyone else for all of this mom," Emma whispers. She is consciously aware that she did just refer to Mary Margaret as her mother and somehow it removes some of the heaviness that had been residing in the pit of her stomach. "If Regina hadn't casted the curse, if Gold hadn't manipulated her into doing so... What I'm trying to say is none of it can't be undone anymore, so I'm trying to make my peace with it. I'm trying to get past it. You weren't the ones responsible for some asshole of a foster father that got his jollies from beating up the kids he was supposed to take care of. Or for having Neal set me up for one of his crimes so I ended up in jail pregnant. I had a choice too. I could've chosen to keep Henry, tried to raise him, but I knew he'd have better chances out there, with someone who could properly take care of him, with someone who loved him."
There's a flash of anger that shimmers in David's eyes at the veiled mention of whom had ended up raising Henry. "Regina might've been a good mother to Henry but it doesn't erase all the bad things she has done Emma."
"No, but does anything?" Emma asks as she looks right at David. "You can't tell me she is the same person right now as when she was the Evil Queen from your realm. I know you don't trust her. I know that there's a good viable reason why you drew up the truce, why you had to make absolutely sure she couldn't do anything bad thing ever again without being held personally accountable for it. But I also know she has changed too, she even changed away from the cold Mayor that reigned this town when I first arrived here. And she is a good mother to Henry. In a way, it's probably ironic that because of the curse and because of everything that happened afterwards, Henry exists in the first place. And he's been one of the biggest motivators for her to change who she is."
Emma can see how what she said impacted her parents and she smiles encouragingly at them. She knows her interactions with Regina have been more frequent and she also remembers the conflict and worry etched across their features when Regina had been over at her apartment to help her with sleeping problems. In a way, she understands their concern, understands that all the tainted history laying between them and Regina would probably mean they'd never trust her again. And she doesn't even know why she does so much herself, why she has come to trust Regina even with her life, but Emma knows she does. Just like she knows Regina would never use magic against her in a harmful way ever again.
The knowing look on Mary Margaret's face worries her somewhat though. Like she's onto something Emma isn't telling her and Emma gulps with the thought. She averts her eyes quickly, away from the inquisitive eyes centered on her and onto her laced fingers lying on the table in front of her. They briefly flicker to her watch and her eyes widen in horror.
"Oh crap, Henry," she mutters out, quickly standing up from the chair, the abrupt motion making it fall backwards onto the floor with a soft thud. "I was supposed to meet him at Granny's for lunch." She hadn't realized so much time had passed until now.
"I uhm..." she flusters as she drags a hand through her hair sheepishly. "I'm sorry but..."
"It's okay Emma," her mother says as she also stands up. "We can finish this another time, I'm glad we talked though. I'm glad you confided in us like this."
Emma nods mutely, her throat too constricted to say anything in response. She felt better though, more grounded and so much lighter inside. Like a huge burden was lifted. It was progress too, she thinks and much more healthy than trying to pretend that everything was fine all the time, when it really was not. When she really was not.
"I'll walk you out," Mary Margaret offers up, her eyes narrowing as to say that she wasn't going to take no for an answer and Emma winces a little with the look. She might be as old as her parents were, but apparently that didn't mean she was immune to being parented. There was no need to be walked out at all, since the distance was just a few meters and her bug was parked right outside, but then again Emma wasn't foolish enough to think her mother was seeing her out by herself without a good reason.
She knew what this was really about and her suspicions got confirmed the moment the door of the apartment closed behind them.
"I didn't understand at first," Mary Margaret starts as she paces a little. "When we were at your place a few weeks ago, I didn't understand why she was there, why she was helping you with things you didn't even want to talk about with us." She glances up then, catches Emma's eyes and Emma's heart drops in the chest with the sadness that emanates from her mother's eyes. "It hurt us both, it hurt me, Emma. Because I didn't.. I didn't understand."
Emma swallows, once, twice, opens her mouth to say something, to apologize, but the words never pass her lips.
"I know sweetie, I'm more okay with it now that I know. Regina knew didn't she?" Emma just nods silently, because she doesn't even know how to respond to that. She doesn't understand how her mother could possibly know...
And then it hits her.
"And you know because..."
Mary Margaret's lips curl into an inherently sad smile. "Yes. I did live with her for years Emma. And I thought that...I thought initially Cora was a great mother. I thought she cared for Regina, I thought she loved her so much that she would do anything to make her happy. At the time, I was too young...too naive to truly understand how manipulative her mother could be. I didn't even find about Daniel until it was already too late. But before that I saw..I saw what Cora did to her, I heard the things that were said to her and I often pretended afterwards that it never happened. I pretended that I was just seeing things. But I knew.." Mary Margaret sighs then. "I knew."
Emma lays a hand on her mother's shoulder, stopping her in the middle of frantic pacing she's doing.
"She was.. was so angry I think.." Mary Margaret continues, eyes flicking from the door to the trees just beyond the porch of the house. Emma understands her mother was missing David's presence even now. "When David insulted her and was accusing her, I saw this..purple sheen appearing in her eyes and she was trembling, like she was about to hurl something towards us. But then she...I don't know..something stopped her and she just deflated right in front of our eyes. I might not understand what happened between the two of you, but I know she has been helping you. And I know that whatever your doing is helping her in turn."
"It's...complicated," is all Emma manages to offer in return. Because fuck if that wasn't the truth either. Half the time she thinks that she gets by some of her interactions with the former Queen just by winging it. It certainly had nothing to do with any past experiences on how to help someone redeem themselves. Somewhere in the back of her mind she thinks it might even be a sliver of the person that was supposed to be the savior. Though just who exactly was saving who right now eluded even her.
There's this vaguely amused look on her mother's face and Emma has no idea what to make of it. It does make her fidget slightly in discomfort and check her watch again.
"I ran into Regina the other day actually," her mother says and Emma just knows, from the growing smile on Mary Margaret's face, her eyes must be huge as saucers right now. "Nothing happened, no worries. That's actually the surprising thing I suppose. She just walked right by me at Granny's, a huge cup of take-away coffee in her hands. There was no look of disdain, no sneering or snappy comments, she just...looked at me and then she left through the doors without saying a word."
Emma knows her mother said more after that but her brain stopped processing the words somewhere after the mention of the coffee. Granny's coffee. The same coffee that had somehow magically appeared on her desk right before she started her shift at the station ever since she went back to work. Emma supposes right now, with this strange flip flopping feeling inside of her chest, that magically might not be too far off from the truth after all. She had attributed it to her parents kindness at first, something to start of her days properly, especially considering the horrible coffee-machine at the station which was more often broken than not. But now.. Now...
"Emma?"
"I uhm.."
"Where did you just disappear to," her mother questions, her head titled slightly in curiosity.
"Uh..nowhere important I guess. I should go though, Henry is waiting."
Her mother regards her quietly for a moment before she nods and wraps her arms around Emma's body. Emma doesn't know what to do at first, actually freezing up for just a split second before she relaxes again and welcomes the gesture. This is new too, she thinks, but at the same time she wouldn't mind experiencing it more often. And it's the knowledge that she will which makes the lightest of smiles tug along the corners of her mouth.
"Say hi to Henry from us and remind him that David wants to take him to the stables over the weekend, okay?"
"I will," Emma vows. "And thank you...this, it helped more than you know."
"We'll talk more later." Her mother smiles, squeezes her hand once more before entering back into the house through the door, leaving Emma standing there, collecting her thoughts for a good long minute before making her way to her car.
When she arrives at Granny's, she's not surprised to find Henry already seated at one of the tables.
"Hey kid, sorry I'm late," she apologizes as she tugs off her jacket. After the whole incident with her not picking up Henry at school, she had been much more consciously aware of always being on time when it came to meeting him anywhere.
"It's okay," Henry responds, even more chipper than usual. Which immediately makes all the alarm-bells go off inside Emma's head. Usually when he was like this, he had something up his sleeve. "I already ordered..." he finishes, flashing a huge smile at her.
And Emma... Emma can only groan in reply, as she drops her head into her hands on the table. She has the sneaking suspicion that whatever he ordered was nowhere near healthy. Probably the opposite and the second thought hitting her afterwards was that Regina would likely kill her when she found out.
Which immediately makes her head tilt back up and glance at the stack of coffee cups behind the counter. "You know your mom won't like it when she finds out I've been feeding you fries again."
The only response she gets initially is a disinterested shrug. "I don't think she'll mind too much, she was in a pretty good mood earlier today."
"Oh?" she fishes.
"Well I talked to her about Neal, he mentioned that he wants to go on a camping trip in two weeks. He said you would talk about this with my mom?"
Right..about that she thinks, mentally slapping herself for not talking about this with Regina. She shifts around uncomfortably in her seat as she conjures up a mental image of what Regina's response might've been.
"Uh..I kind of forgot," she mutters, picking at her nails and wishing silently for the food to arrive soon. Or a hole to open up beneath her feet and swallow her whole. Either option seemed like an attractive alternative to the one she was in now. "What did she say?"
"Mom said it was okay if I went, though she still wanted me to talk to you about it too." He waits for her response for a while after that, but Emma is literally at a loss with words. How the hell..she said yes even though she didn't like Neal, Emma just can't wrap her mind around it. Though she supposes since it was Henry that asked and she'd do anything to make him happy, it wasn't that strange for Regina to agree to it.
"So can I go?"
"Sure Henry...of course you can go." Though mentally she added a note to talk to Neal about this trip. The woods was something different than a trip to New York and this was Storybrooke. Plus there was the fact that Neal's father was the Dark One and all...
"Cool," he mutters, snatching a few of the fries from the plate that is placed in front of him.
Emma shakes her head at the display. One of her hands digs into the pocket of her pants. Curls around the smooth, cool to the touch, laminated card that always resides there. She actually washed it once, horrified with the discovery of having left the card in her jeans when she put them in the washing-machine. But when she dug around in the pockets and found it again, she had been pleasantly surprised to find it unharmed. It still felt and looked as new as the day she had been given it. And even though she had never needed to use it, the gift still reminded her of one of the turning points in their relationship. The first signs of a building trust between them. So she might never use it, but she vowed to always carry it with her anyway.
Besides it couldn't hurt. Just in case, she thinks as her eyes catch the coffee cups again.
She smirks as a plan hatches in her head and she reaches for the phone in her other pocket. "Hey kid, how would you like it if we invited your mom over for lunch?"
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