So days passed, I wanted to bug Axel's old foster mom one last time for information because it had been almost a month but I didn't want to take the chance that Axel had been avoiding me. School sucked more because when I bothered to show up- when I could tell Xemnas was going to be the sadistic asshole that he was- all the teachers did was lecture me and try to weave their way in the my life and figure out why I wasn't going like I should and how my grades were dropping. Aerith pulled me out on individuals more than usual, asking how my days were going and if I had anyone in school I could talk to if I needed to- in which case I told her the truth, "The only person I talk to here was Axel… and I don't need anyone to talk to," she dropped the conversation there.
Even though it was Wednesday it was the first day I'd gone to school so far in the week, Aerith backed off a little and I think everyone was just going for the "Act-like-it's-okay" phases, and I really didn't even want to go to school. But Monday and Tuesday Xemnas had left me alone, so as I walked back to the apartment I knew I was going to be in shit when I got back. But I didn't want to go back, so I went and sat on the stone wall of a cemetery on my way to postpone the inevitable. As I sat I wondered what would happen if I walked out in front of a car- I no longer found myself safe in vehicles because every time I was in one I thought about opening the door and jumping out (more times than not I ended up dead in the thought) but it's not like I was acting on these thoughts.
If I got hit it'd probably hurt, I might ruin the persons car, they would have my death on their conscience and probably think about it for a while, my sister would have Keyakku and the baby- it's not like I've even talked to them since I heard Keyakku saying he didn't want me around Ventus. Ah… Ventus… he's too young to remember me so if Rikku and Keyakku talk about me it'll be about how I was messed up in the head or something, my mother wouldn't care- Xemnas would probably be more upset than her. And at my funeral- assuming I have one, the truth will come out and Rikku will learn that things haven't been the best at Mom's and that Xemnas was still fucking with me.
The autopsy guy would tell my mother and sister about my self-inflicted wounds and scars and tell them that I'd been doing it for a while now, Rikku might get pissed at me but my mother wouldn't even act surprised. Axel would probably refuse to accept that it was suicide and just believe that it was an accident, or he'd believe that it was on purpose and he'd just keep in mind how fucked up my mind was. Axel and my sister would probably talk, she'd ask him if he knew about my cutting- of course she wouldn't just come out and say it, she would ask subtly or Axel would just ask her about it. Either way they were all bound to share what little pieces they thought they knew about me and then they would discover a small corner of how fucked everything was going in my life.
I jumped off the short wall and walked closer to the street, I wasn't going to actually commit the act- I just wanted to see how close to it I could get though. The cars sped in front of me like it was a high way or something, and I watched as each one sped through the town- it was an active road, not car after car but about a 5 second gap between them. Then I realized, I could do this. I could take the few steps forward and jump in front of the car, if it didn't kill me it would surely make something somehow better, the pain didn't mean anything, I waited for the car to get just a little closer….
But then my phone started vibrating in my pocket and curiosity was getting the better of me, after all- there would be more cars, so I reached into my pocket and pulled out the device. I don't know why I bothered carrying it with me, it only had Axel's number in it and it was like my sister refused to talk to me now but still it was going off. I answered and pressed the phone to my ear, waiting for whoever it was to speak, maybe I would tell them what I was about to do like a sort of suicide note, but then I actually heard the voice. My mouth dropped and I stared ahead at nothing, was this really who I thought it was?
"Roxas- you there Rox?" the person asked and in my amazement I was able to respond, "Axel?" it was like I could hear his smile in his response, "Yeah, the one the only," and I wanted to cry. The realization of everything I was just thinking of doing rushed in and bit at my heart, "You okay Rox?" he asked and I hummed a reply as I wiped my eye, "Yeah… I'm glad you called…" the hopelessness I had been feeling that was leading me to walk closer to the road was washing over me as if I was a different person and the feeling was completely knew- but I was at a safe distance from being pulled under.
"You're my first call, I was thinking about calling my mother first but figured you'd want to talk to me more," he was laughing again and I crouched down as if I was falling, I used my free hand to rub my eyes while my forehead rested against my knees. After a sniffle I responded, "I'm glad you called," he asked what I was doing but I told him I'd tell him some other time and then proceeded to ask him, "Are you coming back?" His voice was calm this time, "Yeah, I should be out of here by the end of the week, my foster mom asked to have me back- it all just depends on what the court has to say, they get to choose when I go back to her…" nodding my head even though I knew he couldn't see me was all I could do while trying to push back the tears.
"Well, I have to go, stay strong Rox- I'll see you soon," and then he said bye and I was left sobbing next to the road because of my own stupidity.
After a few minutes I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath, standing up I walked- I had no idea where I was walking to but I figured I'd let my feet figure it out. And there I stood, in front of Rikku's house, her car out front so either her or Keyakku were home, and then I could hear Ventus crying inside, which made me want to turn away till I saw the curtain over the window move and then my sister opened the door, she waved me in and I forced myself to go in even though I knew they all didn't want me there.
Turns out Ventus hadn't stopped crying since I left, Rikku was taking him to his doctor and was bringing me along for the ride, I waited in the heated doctor's office while Rikku and the screaming Ventus went into the private room. Rikku came out almost an hour later- I guess she had been going to the doctor every week trying new things to get Ventus to stop crying, and as I sat there I guess the doctor finally gave her an answer and no more stuff to try out.
Colic. That's why Ventus was fine every once and a while till he was laid down or started to get tired- then he would scream his lungs off for hours. Ventus was actually quiet in the backseat though, turns out he was really tired, "Roxas…" my sister started in a quiet voice, not once looking at me even though she continued to talk, "You know it's not your fault that Ventus was crying when you were watching him, right?" I didn't know how to answer that truthfully and not upset my sister in some way, shape, or form. "Some babies just are colicky while others aren't… we just have to wait it out.
Slowly I nodded my head, "So… how long is he going to cry like that?" I asked and she shrugged her shoulders with a small shake of her head, "I don't know… some babies have it up to 6 months…" again I nodded my head and when we pulled up to my sister's house it was already dark, she parked the car but made no move to get out. "Roxas… I know it's a lot… but- I have to get back to work at a decent hour, the way things are going Keyakku gets stuck with the baby till I get home from work and then he has to go to work tired and cranky… Would you mind watching Ventus again?"
My eyes widened and I looked in the backseat even though I couldn't see Ventus, "You want me to watch him?" she nodded her head and said, "You did fine- you did everything you were supposed to do when you watched him last, now he's just going to scream a lot more… but I don't want you to watch him if his crying is going to get to you and mess up your schooling…" "No," I quickly said, "I can watch him… is Keyakku fine with that?" she sighed and rested her head on the steering wheel.
"Guess we'll just have to have that conversation with him when I get back from picking him up… you want to take Ventus into the house?" she picked apart her keys so I'd have the house key, I got out and carefully got Ventus out- not wanting to wake him up, once I got in the house and my sister had left I started to move Ventus so I could put him in his crib but he started to wake up and I didn't want to risk waking him up and have him screaming yet again. So I left him in his car seat and sat him on the floor, sitting on the couch and watching every little movement he made, I rested my chin on my knees and wrapped my arms around my ankles, and thought.
Rikku said Ventus looks just like I did when I was a baby, so I wonder if that was how Rikku looked too… Mom was my age when she had her- was Rikku colicky? What if Ventus was mine- I would go insane from the crying, but Mom didn't have anyone there to help her out, her boyfriend was gone away and didn't care about her… I was thinking of suicide at my age and my mother was with a baby- those are completely different ends of the spectrum… Was I a colicky baby? Rikku wasn't even my age yet and she practically raised me- so how did she handle it all?
I wonder… if when they looked at me as a baby and as I look at Ventus, did they ever think I would grow up to be… like this? Did they ever think my mind would be this messed up and at my age be facing the things I was facing? As I stare at the small blond I wonder- when Ventus gets older will he ever go down the same road I'm on now? Would he have difficulties in every aspect of his life?
The door opened but I heard Rikku speak and could see the two figures walking in the door so slowly I took my gaze off the sleeping baby and looked up at my sister and Keyakku, my sister had a smile on her face, "You know Roxas… you don't have to watch him like a hawk- he's not going to get up and walk away," I tried to smile back but it wasn't working for me so I just shrugged.
Rikku took Ventus into the other room while Keyakku took a seat in the chair, he undid the top of his work boots so the shoe laces hung down but he didn't take his shoes off all the way, he leaned back in the chair and let out a sigh. I waited for him to say something but he didn't look like he was going to any time soon. Rikku came back into the room and looked from Keyakku to me and then repeated the action a few times before she went and sat on the couch as close to Keyakku as she could and as far from me in the process.
"Keyakku…" my sister started, "I asked Roxas if he'd watch Ventus again," Keyakku closed his eyes and then looked at me, I had just shifted so my back was against the arm rest and I could better face them, but as soon as he looked at me I looked at my sister. "Rikku… you know I don't think that is a good idea…" he trailed off and I was left fighting in my head. Keyakku was right to not trust me- I'd almost killed myself today and it would be anything but smart to trust another person's life in my hands, but then again… Ventus is my nephew- it's not like I'm going to hurt him or do anything to hurt him, I'd always do the best I could for him so there was no reason why they couldn't trust me with him. I wasn't going to hurt him and I'd do anything to make sure of it.
It turns out Keyakku and my sister were still talking even while I was thinking. "Keyakku- you love Roxas like a brother, he's not going to do anything bad to Ventus," "I know he's not, Rox- I know you're not," he said and then it was like it became an argument between Keyakku and Rikku. "Then why don't you want him around Ventus? You know he's not going to do anything bad but yet you still don't trust him alone with the baby!" "I do trust him Rikku!" Keyakku yelled which got both mine and my sisters attention, he continued to stare at my sister as he spoke, "Roxas is like my brother- you said it yourself, of course I trust him! But you know what Rikku- just because you were able to care for him when you were 16 doesn't mean that Roxas is ready to care for a baby!"
That hit both my sister and I pretty hard, "I know he'd do anything he could for the baby- really, I do, but he's in school and trying to deal with shit on his own he doesn't need to add the welfare of a baby on top of that!" he turned and looked at me, "Rox I know you'll take care of Ventus but you don't need to- we're his parents, not you, you're still a kid and dealing with enough shit from your mother- if I had my say you'd be living here and then maybe you could watch Ventus but until you open up and actually get better- mentally, I don't think you need a baby on your mind!"
I literally gasped, I didn't care if it felt awkward I tried to yell back, "I don't have any problems," before it could become a full shouted sentence though Keyakku butted in and was shouting at me, "Yeah well you're not exactly okay Rox! You don't talk to anyone- not even kids from school! You don't eat- you've lost all the weight you put on while you were here, you probably weigh less than when you first came to live with us- you're practically skin and bones! Look at yourself Rox!" he motioned to my being, "The only part of you I can see is your face and most of that is covered with hair! Something obviously isn't right but that's not the problem! The problem is you're not going anywhere for help! You're not talking to the school about it, you're not talking to me about it, and you're not talking to Rikku about it!" he counted off on his fingers.
"When was the last time you even had a conversation with someone Rox?" his voice was still loud but I tried to answer his question, my talk with Axel wasn't really a conversation and I knew he didn't mean one that happened today, the more I thought about it the longer I realized it was. "Exactly!" he yelled when I couldn't provide an answer, "You don't need a baby- let alone one that won't stop crying- on your mind till you can deal with what's already being thrown your way," he stood up and walked into the kitchen, my sister following him, leaving me sitting with my knees pulled tight to my chest at the end of the couch.
They continued to talk in the kitchen- I know this because I could hear them whispering back and forth, it was dark out… I should be heading back to the apartment or Xemnas would get pissed. So I stood up and slipped out of the house, I know as soon as I opened the door that they heard me because their whispering paused for a second, but I shut the door and walked away as fast as I could before they could stop me.
As I made it up the steps of the apartment I could hear talking, I stilled for a second and smiled a little when I realized it was my mother but then panic washed over me, I didn't know what kind of a mood she was in or if she would even want to deal with me because she hadn't recently. Quietly I opened the door; I kept my head down as I walked towards my room only to hear my mother shout behind me, "Roxas! I'm gonna make cookies, you want to help?" I turned back and looked at her, Xemnas was attacking her neck like she was a piece of fresh meat, I smiled and nodded my head, "Yeah, I just gotta change my shirt," she smiled back and I hurriedly went to my room, my shirt was short sleeve but I knew my mother would make me take my hoodie off if I was baking with her so I threw on a long sleeved shirt instead.
After I helped make cookies- which was as enjoyable and comical as you could imagine- so much so that Xemnas ended up walking into my mother's room and leaving us alone, and after they were made and my mother wanted to go to bed I found a text message from my sister as well as one missed call. I read the message and even with Keyakku's words in my head I smiled, "Can you come over tomorrow and start watching Ventus after school?" Thus started the need to be somewhere every day after school, and because my mother was around more Xemnas left me alone just as much- still managed to be creepy whenever he could but I could handle it, because I knew I would wake up in the morning, go to school, go to Rikku's, spend time with Ventus, eat at Rikku's (which was one of the new set in place rules, I had to eat dinner at their house because apparently I wasn't eating enough at my mother's) and then when I got back I had a few minutes by myself to do homework or something and then my mother would get home.
Don't ask me where she was, but she wasn't home- meaning Xemnas was the only one home all day, and I can't tell you how many times I went into my room to find him in my room just so he could be creepy to me. And that was just how life continued, a cut here and there after a very creepy and un-enjoyful encounter with Xemnas, a bickering contest with my mother which lead to another scratch, and Ventus who screamed his head off a lot but was still a giggling baby. Thanksgiving came and went, me and my mother baked goods, while at my sister's dinner was left overs for the next few days, and then Christmas came just as fast, my mother and my sister were still fighting so my mother didn't bother to come over to Rikku's house, my mother got me a new fuzzy blue pillow and my sister gave me a hundred bucks- babysitting money, she said when I refused to take it.
And then my birthday rolled around in January- I was now officially 17, my sister gave me another hundred dollars and my mother gave me a blanket that matched my pillow. Everyone had managed to give me a gift, some I loved more than other's- the only one I didn't like was Xemnas'- and that's just because it was a surprise that I didn't realize till I was half way drugged up. But of course nothing was going to change with Xemnas, but at least I didn't cut once on my birthday- s that was a good thing.
I sat on my sister's couch, it was a Friday and I had managed to slip away from school a few minutes early, and I was happy when I came over to find Ventus in a giggly mood. He was three months old now and I found that all his screaming gave him some strong lungs- except at the moment all they were doing was laughing, two hours went by and not once did he start crying for no reason and not stop, he started to fuss twice but that was because he needed a diaper change and he was hungry, but other than that- he was a cheerful little bundle.
As I said before- I was sitting on my sister's couch, my knees brought up loosely up- I was relaxed so Ventus could lay against my upper legs, is head was near my knees while his feet were being used to help support him on my lower stomach. He kicked me a few times but with his hold on my fingers he tried to walk and it was easy for me to get him to smile. So sitting wasn't completely the truth- I was half laying on my sister's couch, and then the door opened, I turned and saw Keyakku walking through the door, he didn't seem exactly happy, but I know I was, Ventus was a little ball of happy.
Keyakku became happy just the same when I told him Ventus wasn't crying anymore. It was like Keyakku had made it his mission to check up on me every day- to ask how I was doing and how I was feeling, I was fine, except dreading the spring and summer where I knew I wouldn't be able to get away with wearing a long sleeve shirt or a hoodie, or even my arm warmers- I didn't know what I'd do but I tried not to worry about it too much. Rikku came back about an hour later and brought home pizza, I had only a slice because I really wasn't all that hungry- Keyakku also made it his job to tell me when I needed to eat more and when eating a little less was okay. I know I put on a little more weight because my pants weren't ready to fall off my hips at any moment any more, today was one of those days were Keyakku said it was okay.
As I walked home I got a text, I sighed and wondered what my sister wanted now, "I'm back at my foster mom's, same place, come see me?" I stopped walking and stared at my phone, looking up on the screen to see that it was from Axel, I instantly turned and ran, who cares if it's almost 6 at night and dark outside?
And when I showed up I found Axel walking down his porch, he looked the same as I remembered but better because this time he was actually standing in front of me, and I took full advantage of that when I ran up and hugged him.
Woohoo! another chapter up for your eyes to see :3
This chapter literally took me almost two hours to type, I know that because my laptop only lasts two hours off the battery and I currently have 16 minutes (9%) battery left.
The reason for such a quick chapter? Cuz you guys rock. I logged on today when I got home after being far far away to see that the last chapter alone had 10 reviews. Holy shit guys!- you make me feel special :3
So anyway, enjoy the chapter :DD
Uploaded: June 22th, 2013