21

Elliot sighed. The plan had been to go together, but he had woken, immediately sensing the fact that he had overslept before he had even caught sight of the time. He had been taken aback though when he had seen the clock: it was almost half past ten. He guessed the late night activities of late had taken their toll. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept in so late. The silence in the apartment had first alerted him to the fact that she had likely already left, but even so he gave the place a quick sweep to confirm it. He had to admit he had been nervous about the prospect of going there again, but he had been willing to do it for her. The fact that she had gone alone was regrettable. No doubt she had thought he would be pleased he wouldn't have to accompany her and so hadn't bothered to wake him… and that frustrated him.

He considered heading out after her, but he guessed by the time he got showered and dressed and down there she would probably have finished. He had no idea what time she had left. Maybe she was already on her way home? He hoped she wouldn't have to do too much convincing. Cragen could be a bit overly vigorous sometimes in his attempt to make sure his team wasn't being overstretched emotionally. He thought she was ready to throw herself back into it, although he didn't believe for one moment that she was 'over it' exactly. It was more that he understood that for her going back to the job would be a significant step towards that eventual goal.

He proceeded to shower and get himself ready and with still no sign of her he decided to tidy up a little while he waited. He ended up switching the TV on and after another thirty minutes had passed he began to wonder what on earth could be taking all this time. He even wondered if she could possibly have been thrust back into it immediately and got caught up in a case. Surely she would have contacted him though? It didn't seem very likely. He checked his phone once more, but there was no communication from her. Finally at ten past twelve, he dialed her number. There was no reply.

However, a minute later she returned his call.

"Hey," he said, relieved that he had finally managed to get in contact with her.

"I'm on my way home now," she said quickly. "Sorry it took so long."

"Is everything OK?" he asked. She sounded defeated.

"I'll tell you when I get back. I won't be long."

Seriously?" He stared at her, his jaw literally dropping open, his mind racing as he struggled to see what it was he had missed. Had he been so caught up in the new dimension to their relationship that he had failed to notice she wasn't as fine as she had been making out? He didn't think so, but he was loathed to trust his own judgment where she was concerned. The possible of him having blinkers on at the moment was too high.

"What did he say exactly?"

"He wanted me to talk to the force therapist and since he happened to be in I humored him and went along, only this guy seemed to feel I'm not ready and told Cragen exactly that and now he won't have me back until this idiot therapist deems me fit for service."

"Really? It seems a bit extreme."

"It is. I told him I'm fine, that I'm working through it and ready to move forward, but he refused to take me at my word. He said I've been through a "significant trauma" and that instead of burying it by throwing myself into the job as I apparently "usually do", he wants me to work through it properly to make sure I am really ready to go back.

Elliot couldn't help but smile at her exaggerated air speech marks as she spoke. He could see, however, that despite her attempt to somewhat make light of the situation, she was actually pretty devastated.

"I'm sorry Liv, but maybe it won't be such a big deal. You can go along to this therapist and I bet he'll say you're good to go within a couple of sessions."

"It's just so frustrating. I don't need to see anyone. I hate it. I feel like everything I say could potentially get reported back."

"You know they have codes of conduct – patient confidentiality and all that."

"And you know how it is with these in-house therapists. They're not there to help us. They're management pawns."

"When did you get so cynical?"

"I don't know, perhaps when I found out I was on my own."

"Ouch."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"Yes you did."

Her gaze fell to her knees awkwardly.

"Hey, it's OK. I deserve it."

"No you don't."

"Sure I do."

She didn't reply.

"So you're going to go?" he asked, more in an effort to break the silence than anything else since he already knew the answer to that question.

"What choice do I have if I want my job back?"

"There are always other options you know."

His words hung in the air and he wondered if it was something she would even vaguely consider. There were plenty of other avenues she could pursue and he for one would be happier if she took a step back and wasn't in the front line so much. This latest experience had been a close call. Who knew what the future had in store. Maybe the next time she wouldn't be so 'lucky'?

"El, I need my job," she said finally.

"I know," he replied, leaning in and kissing her gently on the side of her forehead. "I know."

"But you're not completely happy with the idea, are you?"

"You know I will always be behind you, whatever you decide. It's not that. I was just thinking how much the job entails and how little time I'll get to be with you. That's all."

"You're sweet," she said, smiling. "Maybe I'll think about the Sergeant's exam at some point soon?"

"Really? You were always adamant you wanted to stay out in the field, not get buried in bureaucracy."

"Things change, right?"

His face was so close to hers as they spoke that the kiss was inevitable. She leaned into his lips eagerly. At moments like this she wondered if she really did need her job as badly as she thought she did. Once their mouths separated again though, she knew she would be calling to arrange her next therapy session as soon as there was a slot available. She closed her eyes as Elliot pulled her back in to him and once again she lost herself in the feel, smell and taste of him.

"I have to pop out for a bit this afternoon."

"You never said."

"I'm sorry. It slipped my mind."

"Where are you going?"

"I made an appointment with my doctor, like you've been nagging me to."

"Oh. That's good." She wanted to ask him if she could go along, but for some reason she felt nervous asking.

"I'm sure it'll be a two hour wait to be told it's nothing."

"Maybe, but at least you'll have peace of mind."

"Yeah I guess."

"Do you want me to come along?" she asked awkwardly.

"No. It'll be boring sitting in the waiting room. You should stay here and relax. I tell you what, I'll stop by the shops on the way home and pick up some groceries. Tonight I'm cooking!"

"Well I won't say no to that," she said with a smile.

"Then it's a date."

"I'll see you soon, okay?" he said, leaning in for a kiss. "Have a good afternoon."

She watched him leave unsure how to feel. On the one hand it was a relief to know that a relationship didn't mean they were relinquishing any of their independence, but she couldn't help but worry. She had wanted to go along and make sure he was one hundred percent honest with the doctor about the dizzy spells and she was perfectly aware of his tendency to play things down. It was out of her hands now. She would have to trust that he would take his health seriously and be honest with the doctor. At least he was going. That in itself was a huge step. After they had returned the dizzy spells hadn't returned and he had insisted he was fine and didn't need to go, but her persistence had eventually paid off. As far as she was concerned it was much better to get it checked out and find it to be nothing than to leave a potential health issue to fester and potentially worsen.

With Elliot out for the afternoon she had debated doing as he had suggested and just spending the afternoon flicking through a couple of magazines and getting on with her latest book, but she found herself feeling antsy. So she made a call and luckily found that the therapist she had been assigned to had a spare slot that afternoon, although she would have to go down to his office as he wasn't working in the precinct that day. It wasn't too far. She figured she could reach his office within twenty minutes on foot, get an hour's session in and still get back before Elliot did. His hospital appointment would probably take at least two hours, possibly more if they ordered blood tests, which given his symptoms, she supposed they would and then after that he had said he was going to stop by the supermarket. Realistically he wouldn't be home much before five, possibly later. She hoped to be back by four.

As she walked she reflected on the session before. She had never met this particular therapist before. He was nothing like Huang and so far she wasn't overly enamored by him. She had to admit though that it had taken a while to get used to Huang, so she was determined to give this guy a chance, if only because he was the one who held her future in his hands. She needed to convince him she wasn't falling apart and was capable of carrying out her job and the faster the better. As a result she had little choice but to try and force herself to warm to him.

His office was surprisingly shabby. It looked like it was in need of a repaint and inside the furniture was old-fashioned. She supposed the décor wasn't really that important though. It looked clean and practical and that was the important thing. The receptionist was a little aloof though. She looked thoroughly bored. It surprised her that there was no one else there. She had been expecting the place to be a little busier given the fact that the police department had seen fit to employ this guy.

Despite the fact she was the only one there, she still had to wait twenty minutes before being called in. It was difficult to understand why and as the minutes ticked by she found her irritation growing exponentially. She didn't really see the need to be there in the first place, so being kept waiting unnecessarily just added to further exasperate her.

Finally she was called through.

"Good afternoon, Olivia," the wiry graying man said after she knocked and entered. "Sorry to keep you waiting."

"That's OK," she mumbled, sinking into the seat he indicated. She was just glad the session was finally underway. The sooner they got on with it, the sooner she could leave.

"So how have you been?"

"Fine," she replied. "Good in fact."

"I see."

She watched him as he sank back into his swivel chair, very obviously surveying her. His intense gaze was starting to make her feel nervous and she found herself glancing around his office to avoid meeting his eyes. She noted the shabby furniture, the books on the book case, the odd pictures on the wall, but more poignantly the photo he kept behind his desk.

"Is that your daughter?" she asked curiously.

"Oh no," he said with a smile.

She thought it strange that he offered no further explanation, but she supposed it wasn't really any of her business.

"Er, so, where do we start?" she asked after another long silence. His stare was definitely starting to unnerve her. It was as though he was trying to read her and she hated the scrutiny.

"Where do you want to start?"

Inwardly she grimaced. She hated the infuriating way certain therapists had of answering a question with another. If he was expecting her to just sit and spill her guts then this was going to be an extremely tedious experience. She just wanted it over with.

"You tell me. I'm here because my Captain ordered me here. To be honest I don't feel the need for therapy. I have been coping perfectly fine and things are genuinely getting better every day. I'm ready to go back. I'm hoping you will see that soon."

"What have you been doing with your time off?"

"Not much. It's one of the reasons I am anxious to get back to work."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

The question took her by surprise. It seemingly came out of nowhere. Still, she supposed it was a valid question. Maybe it would work to her advantage. If he realized she had a support network, then maybe he would be happier that she really was doing OK. After all, as far as Cragen was concerned she was still single. Or at least she assumed the news of her and Brian's split was common knowledge now. She imagined no one was aware of her and Elliot and even though she had initially wanted him to join her when she had gone in to the precinct, she had later decided it was in fact better to keep her private life private for now.

"Yes," she answered slowly. It felt good to say that and she smiled as she thought of Elliot and the intimacy they had shared over the last few weeks.

"Is it serious?"

"Yes, I think so… I mean, yes it is."

"So you live together."

"Kind of."

"I see."

She glanced at his face, wondering exactly what was going through his mind with this line of questioning. It was starting to make her feel a little uncomfortable. Things were still so new with Elliot, that it was still strange to talk about it and especially with a virtual stranger.

"What's your type?"

"What do you mean?"

"What kind of guy do you go for?"

"I fail to see the relevance."

"I see you're not ready to truly open up yet."

"Look I'm here to talk about going back to work, not dissect my private life."

"I see."

She took a deep breath as she tried to quash her growing irritation. This therapist was nothing like any of the others she had come into contact with. She made a mental note to check his background afterwards. The longer she remained in his company, the more uncomfortable she was starting to feel. Surely there had to be another option.

"You know, I don't know if this is going to work," she said reaching for her bag and getting to her feet. She'd have to go in and talk to Cragen again and try and convince him this wasn't necessary.

"Why not?" he asked.

"I just don't know if this is a right fit for me."

"I thought you wanted your job back, Olivia," he said, the unveiled threat in his voice low-key, but there all the same.

"Yes, but…"

"I suggest you sit down and you start taking this a bit more seriously then."

Taken aback by his stern tone, she found herself sinking back into the chair. Maybe he was right? She had to admit she had been unenthusiastic from the get go about attending the sessions. He had no doubt picked up on her aversion to being there and probably thought she was wasting his time.

She took a slow deep breath.

"I want to go back to work," she said sincerely. "And I will do whatever it is I have to do."

"Good," he said. "Then let's leave it here today and start again fresh next time."

"But I'm here now," she said, frustrated as she glanced at her watch and realized she had been there less than fifteen minutes.

"I think you need some time to get yourself into a better frame of mind. You need to come here willing to open up and face your fears and talk about the things that have brought you to me. Unless you can do that we won't get anywhere." So I want you to go away and think Olivia. I want you to think about what you really want to gain from coming here."

"Fine," she said, getting to her feet once again. She'd had enough anyway. She still planned on going back to Cragen and seeing if she could possibly convince him these therapy sessions were unnecessary.

"Make an appointment for tomorrow with my receptionist," he told her.

"Tomorrow? You're open at the weekend."

"I'm available twenty-four seven for my special patients," he said with a grin, following her into the reception area. Seeing no choice with him standing there watching her, she made the appointment. It was only when she stepped into the bright sunlight of the street that she realized just how dark and oppressive the therapist's office had actually been. Shaking her head as she tried to wrap her head around the strange appointment, she began to walk home. Every fiber of her being screamed at her to run a mile from that place, but part of her couldn't help but wonder if he had been right and that it was her natural aversion to therapy in the first place that was somehow clouding her judgment and preventing her from moving forward.

She paused. It wouldn't be too much of a detour to pop into the precinct and since her session had ended unexpectedly early, she had plenty of time. The decision made she headed back to the one-six.

A/N Just a note to say... I haven't abandoned the idea of Amaro and Elliot meeting. I've just delayed it. Also, for anyone worrying about the direction this story is going in... there is some angst coming up, but please trust me and enjoy the ride. They have battled much worse and come out the other side. Check out Peril if you don't believe me ;-) (And this story is not going in that extreme a direction).