-CH. 21 Love is strength
She stares at her phone sitting in the car; Abby has never seen Anya act this way. Her eyes are watering not knowing what to do; she tries calling her.
Ring Ring
Ring Ring
Ring Ring
With out success she hangs up before it reaches voicemail and swallows her sadness. What did she expect, Anya was young and she had a history of running away from things. Abby was frustrated and upset but she wasn't going to let it end this way. She loves Anya; She knows that for sure but what would come of it? The older woman was discovering that hidden part of her that she snuffed out in high school. She never thought feelings for a woman could happen again yet here she is, pining for this woman, this raw and relentless woman. It isn't smart, contrary to her habitual dogma it is reckless and daring. She wants that in her life, she craves it even. However, she just keeps driving straight despite Anya being in the opposite direction.
Marian Hill- Down
Its late evening now and Anya has defended the pool table she claimed with just four quarters early in the day. She has a group of people around her as she waits for her next challenger leaning on her pool cue. She sways back and forth to the music and locks eyes with a girl that has been by her side all night. Anya's been flirting with anyone and everyone she can to forget about the one she inevitably sees in each of their faces. The conflicted fray that splays her insides throws her into frivolous activity. She slides her free hand around the backside of the girl looking up at her; she doesn't bother with remembering her name, pulling her into her body. Her head tilts down to hover over her face, the girl swoons having been waiting for this all night.
Lexa, Clarke, Octavia, and Raven walk through the front doors with limbs laced. They look around getting a feel for the place; it is busy and full of hopeful faces. Lexa has been texting and calling Anya but hasn't gotten through so she gathered the girls to come with her for support. Clarke took some convincing but nothing a few well-placed kisses couldn't handle. Eventually they were all willing to get out of the house for some fresh air.
Lexa walks slowly scanning the crowd for her sister, a bit more worried than she was before. Raven feels she might need to do this on her own so she grabs the arms of Clarke and Octavia dragging them to the bar.
"Hey Lex, we will be over here if you need us. Shots are calling our name!"
Lexa looks to them nodding her head with a faint smile. She reaches out to grab Clarke's hand that is already extended endearingly. Their fingers slide over one another until Clarke has been pulled too far away. Her blue eye winks assurance at Lexa making her smile grow sturdy. Walking further into Polis she spots Anya in the back pool area with a girl in between her legs and in between her lips. This makes her smirk a bit hoping that this is the mystery girl and they had made up from whatever fight had caused Anya's earlier need. But as she got closer she recognizes the girl and cocks her head slightly at the coincidence.
"Ahem… An" She announces her presence addressing her sister in hopes to bring her out of her indulgence.
Anya barely looks up with her eyes; agitated that someone would disturb her. She grins when she sees it's Lexa but continues the kiss until she makes the girl beneath her moan. Achieving success, she pulls back with her hands wrapped around the girl to keep her against her.
"Lexa." She greets in return.
The girl in between Anya turns her head and jerks back in reaction.
"Lexa?"
Anya looks from Lexa to the girl, grin disappearing, and scoffs.
"Don't tell me you've already fucked this one Lex."
Lexa furrows her brow deducing from the crude comment that this wasn't the mystery girl and that her sister is drunk.
"Hello Harper and no An, to answer your question. She is in m—"
"We just kissed once…" Harper interjects, "…But to be honest you are the better kisser" She leans in and grabs Anya's face into a deep kiss. Lexa is sure she is just showing off but rolls her eyes anyway.
"Anya, what is going on? Are you okay?" Lexa asks earnestly, ignoring Harper's taunt.
Octavia takes her shot and winces at the burn.
"Raven, what the fuck. I said top shelf tequila!"
Raven laughs at her scrunched up face, "But then I wouldn't have gotten to see that face!" She lifts her hands and grabs onto her cheeks.
Octavia pushes her and signals for one of the bartenders, "Three Tres Generaciones añejos naked please!"
"Ay, mami… Te puedo dar esa" Raven grabs Octavia's waist bringing her in for a kiss. The wild girl melts into her arms; she loves it when Raven speaks Spanish to her. It gets her every time.
Clarke laughs and takes her shot with out making a face, "Whatever, what's the difference?" She figures that taking shots will be the best way to get rid of her underlying headache she has had all day but was too 'busy' to notice.
Octavia pulls away from Raven's irresistible lips to reply,
"The difference?! My god pobre chica estúpida, everything! Any bottom shelf tequila that says gold in the name, is not even 100 percent agave and most often than not, is not even made with agave, hence not real tequila. They dye bottom of the barrel spirits to taste and look like the real deal." Octavia sticks her tongue out and makes a throaty growl in disgust.
Raven bites her lips, leaning her hips into her. "Do that again…"
O looks at her with a grin sliding the shots she received toward her friends.
"To family!" She lifts her shot glass and before she could knock it back along with them she notices Harper in between Lexa and Anya at the back of the bar.
"The fuck…" she says under her breath as her eyes turn dark full of disdain. Octavia shoots back her shot quickly then slams it down on the bar top.
Anya gives into the kiss, making it way more heated than it needed to be in front of her sister. She ignores her question for a beat before lifting herself up for air, "Why don't you get your own Lexa, or has Clarke already bored you?"
Lexa knows better than to let her words cut deep, Anya was a mean drunk and wasn't going to give in to her cheap shot.
"An, can you stop for one second and just talk to me? This is not going to fix any problems." She puts her hands in her back pockets, taking a step back a bit perturbed about her comment. It still stung because Anya had helped her through her struggles with Clarke and to have her insult her was a bit harsh.
Harper is frustrated at Lexa's attempt to clam jam her until she gets an idea. She puts a hand on Anya's chest and saunters out from between her legs toward Lexa and then she puts her other hand on Lexa's chest grabbing at her collar, "We can all just go back to my place and talk?"
Clarke looks at Octavia's obvious mood change and reaches her hand out to rest on her shoulder, "What's up O?" She doesn't wait for a reply turning her head to look in the direction she is glaring. She sees some girl with her hands on Lexa with a seductive look in her eye.
"What the-?" She looks back at Octavia, "Do you know her?"
Raven finishes ordering a round of shots to take over to Lexa and Anya when she pulls back and notices Clarke and Octavia piercing each other with sharp eyes.
"Woah, What happened in the twenty seconds I was away?" She grabs both of their shoulders and pushes against them to answer. Octavia nods her chin toward the back of the bar. Raven swivels her head, looking over the heads of the people beside them and spots Harper gripping at Lexa's shirt with Lexa's hand wrapping around her wrist. At that she shrinks down and looks wide-eyed at Octavia.
"That girl is becoming a problem. What the hell is she doing here!?"
Clarke darts her eyes between her best friends flamingly confused before realizing the conversation she overheard in the kitchen, "THAT'S the bitch that Lexa kissed in the kitchen, isn't it?" She asks with a hitch on the word kissed. Raven and O both drop their jaw and grab onto Clarke who was half way off her seat to rage toward them.
She turns with fury, "Let go of me! Were you guys going to tell me or just hope I would never find out?!"
Octavia steps to her side, "It looked like she was the one who kissed Lexa after the body shot and we didn't want it to ruin what you two were trying to fix! Lexa didn't want it and she pulled away immediately. I told that bitch to step off and obviously she has a death wish!"
Clarke swallows hard, "Body shot?!" She rescinds her advance, leans against the bar. She sees the shots in front of her, grabs two and throws them back one after the other.
Blood Red Shoes- It's Getting Boring By The Sea
"Harper! Stop, I have a girlfriend." Lexa wraps her hand around her wrist for her to let go but she doesn't.
Anya just stares blankly at Lexa, "Then go away Lexa. Go to your girlfriend."
"Anya! What about that woman you were seeing? What happened with that?"
She doesn't answer Lexa, pulling Harper into her again. "I'm exploring my options," muttering into Harper's mouth before kissing her to hide her watery eyes and drown her pain.
Harper grips harder on to Lexa as she tries to step back from their sickening display. The girl's eyes are open, staring at Lexa's lips as she kisses her sister. Lexa squints her eyes, disgusted at this girl's persistence in all things. "Let go Harper!" she asserts squeezing her wrist hard.
Before Harper could let go, Clarke was already by Lexa's side grabbing a handful of the thirsty girl's hair and yanks her off of Anya and Lexa. "She said let go bitch!" she yells as she pulls her back over her planted leg causing her to stumble back into Octavia. Clarke puts a hand up against Lexa's chest to prevent her from stepping forward to reassure her.
"Don't." Clarke hurtfully whispers. She would talk to Lexa later but right now she wanted to rage.
Octavia catches Harper and pushes her back up to her feet. "Get up slut!"
The girls are a tight-knit group, if anyone tries to fuck with any of them it was hell to pay. Class, ethics, and logic all fly out of the window and all gloves come off. Clarke was unduly jealous that this girl had her hands on Lexa and her lips on her not but days ago. Her head was fuzzy and she wasn't going to sit idle while everything they just went through was being challenged right under her nose.
Clarke turns to face Harper head on, inches from her face. If anyone were to glance over to their group right now, they would think Clarke and Harper were about to devour each other. With fire in her eyes she seethes through her teeth, "You kiss my girlfriend, and now you go after her sister?! What a little tramp you are." She lingers over her just waiting for her to make a move so she can shatter her into pieces.
Anya gets up off her stool amused and satisfied at the events taking place. This was way more entertaining than just making out with a random girl.
"Unfortunately Blondie, you have no say who I kiss and maybe if you kissed Lexa better she wouldn't be out where she doesn't belong" She pulls Harper to step behind her trading places with her in Clarke's face. "Why don't you go run to your mommy and leave the fun for us lesser folk. Oh, and tell her I said hi."
Clarke flinches her head back in confusion, "What the hell, Anya?"
Furious, Lexa steps in and pulls Clarke behind her trading places with her in Anya's face. "Don't you fucking dare bow up at her, take your anger out on me if you have to Anya. But to hell with your twisted mouth!" Lexa pushes Anya back to get her further away from Clarke.
Anya fights back her pain along with her tears and lets go of Harper to push Lexa back hard into the pool table. Clarke moves to retaliate but is stopped by Raven who pulls her back. Anya continues her momentum and comes at her again but Lexa is ready and quickly recovers lunging at Anya at the same time. Anya lowers her stance to tackle her but Lexa braces herself to be checked and grabs her sister into a headlock to slow her. They crash into the pool table with Lexa's side and Anya punches her in the stomach.
"Anya! Stop!" She says straining to breathe.
Lexa keeps a strong hold around her neck and drags her toward the back exit as she shoulders through the heavy doors and throws her into the alley.
"Anya! Talk to me! Quit this!"
Clarke shrugs Raven off her, moving to step in front of the stunned Harper and pulls her arm all the way back...
SMACK
She slaps Harper across her face as hard as she could. "Stay the fuck away!"
Raven's mouth stretches into a thin line inhaling a breath as she looks around for any witnesses but before she can do any damage control, Octavia is already grabbing Harper away from Clarke and pushes her to the front of the bar.
"Get out." The wild girl hisses as she pushes Harper to walk faster. A few people watch in worry as the look on Harper's face is swollen and stunned—a red mark in the shape of hand making itself known on the side of her face. "Stop whoring yourself around and get some self respect before you end up in a ditch…" Octavia says to her as she shoves her out the front door.
"Damn Griffin! Got any soap…cause this opera is getting dirrrtayyy" Raven half laughs, reaching out to her shoulder to comfort her, which Clarke steps away from. The blonde makes her way out the back door without a word.
"Yup, definitely not a comedy… It seems as though we are just stuck in a tragedy..." Raven shakes her head as she shoves a pool ball to collide with the others.
Anya doesn't listen, seeing red. "You were always getting in the way of me getting laid Lex, always needing to be taken care of!" She spews as she checks into Lexa again—shoulder-to-shoulder, heads down beside one another. They push against each other with full force, arms bracing arms.
"You were always choosing the wrong person An! They were ruining you!" Lexa winces at the pain in her side and stomach.
"AHH!" Anya screams squeezing her eyes closed, causing her held-back tears to fall. She hikes her leg up thrusting her knee into Lexa's side. Lexa grunts at the sharp pain, she clenches at her stomach and crumbles to the ground. Anya knew that was her weak spot where she had broken a few ribs and immediately regretted it; she falls to the ground with her.
"I needed more than just a sister… I… We were so young…" Anya collapses into a sob resting her head on top of Lexa's.
Lexa begins to cry lifting herself up as she throws her arms around her sister, "We were…" Her voice cracks.
Anya pulls away trying to swallow her weakness, " I took care of you didn't I? We weren't completely lost were we?"
Lexa nods her head, "You took care of me An… We took care of each other." She takes a breath and transitions into shaking her head. "Both of us had to be more than we should have been." Anya falls on her bottom in complete disarray.
"Hey…" She holds Anya's head up and wipes her tears away with the pad of her thumb, "Even if we were lost, we are found now… I got you. We are all we'll ever need. We are home to each other okay?"
Her sister pulls her legs up to her chest burrowing her head between her knees. "It's Abby…" She mumbles into her legs, half hoping her sister wouldn't hear her confession; half hoping she would so she could get some relief. Anya hasn't been able to confide in anyone about her, which left her to deal with the struggle all on her own. She is tired of being strong.
Lexa clenches her jaw, trying to hear the echo of her words in her head. It's Abby…
"What about Abby, Anya?" She puts her hand over hers with suspension in her belly.
Anya keeps her head down burrowing it further into herself, "The woman I've been seeing…"
Her green eyes go wide at her sister's confession as her stomach wrenches at the thought. She searches her mind for every sign, for every clue that could have pointed to this reveal. Her mind flashes back to the woman she saw Anya with near the statue in the middle of campus. Lexa knew that truck looked familiar. Her mind then flashes to Clarke and how she would react to this. She swallows hard and whispers,
"How long has this been going on?"
Anya shrugs her shoulders, "It doesn't matter. I think it's over…" Her words are broken, straining to push through the thick tears that cover her mouth. "I'm stupid… I messed up Lexa…"
Lexa scoots closer to Anya, wrapping her legs around her sister to place her head on top of hers. "Hey… shh…"
She takes a breath to think about what she wants to say. What is there to say? Anya and Abby? How could that ever work…
"Look, Anya… We can't control who we like or love, all we can do is follow our heart in hopes that it leads us to the opportunity of happiness. That is what life is about right? Finding happiness. And if you found that within your relationship then you didn't mess up Anya. It's an experience and whether it's good or bad, you learned about yourself. You let someone in who inspired you, who motivated you to be better. Abby is an amazing woman and if she truly cares about you, it can't be over that quickly…"
Anya lifts her head causing Lexa to shift hers to the side, "I told her I was a mother fucker Lexa. She didn't want to tell anyone, esp—Clarke!"
Anya darts her eyes up and finds Clarke standing against the back exit, blankly staring at them. Her expression wasn't anger or sadness; Anya couldn't see emotion in her eyes at all.
Lexa stands up abruptly and turns around to see Clarke, pale—still—quiet as a mouse.
"Clarke…Are you okay?" Lexa steps a little closer to her, but not too far and not too fast. She ends up equidistant between the two people she loves most in the world—torn. She looks from Anya, to Clarke, to Anya and then to the sky with a deep sigh.
Clarke doesn't say a word. Her mind is reeling—her heart is feeling.
She had walked out right after Anya kneed Lexa during their consoling moment and decided to step back to allow them time to work it out. Clarke didn't want to go back inside to her friends because she was hurt. She knew they were protecting her but she still couldn't help but feel the blade of betrayal graze her heart. And then to hear Lexa say her mother's name in the context in which she was giving Anya advice, twisted her mind. Her brain reacted and numbed itself. The past few days have been so fucking intense that she can't believe it's still coming. That life is still shitting on her. It seems unreal and unfair.
Lexa can't tell what's on the blonde's mind; worried she will break again. This was so much to process after last night. Worry weighs heavy on her eyebrows. She can usually tell what lies behind her blue eyes but she can't see passed the glisten. So she is at a loss of what she should do, whom she should comfort. Just as she was about to move toward her girlfriend, Clarke beats her to it and walks forward. Lexa gives her a side smile and reaches out to her, except she walks right by Lexa and kneels down to Anya.
Lexa is unsure; she doesn't know what Clarke is going to do so she reaches out to caution her. Lexa loves Clarke but she would protect her sister, even from her… but it's like Clarke felt Lexa's worry because at that exact moment, she turns to lay a hand on her stomach. Lexa inhales sharply and looks into her eyes; Clarke shows her understanding and urges her to trust her with just a look. Lexa grabs her hand on her stomach and squeezes it, giving her strength before stepping back.
"You and my mom?" Clarke turns to Anya who is looking at her with regret and shame. Anya nods her head, "I'm sorry…" she breathes.
Clarke sits back on her heels and shakes her head. "Shhh… You have nothing to be sorry about Anya." She reaches out to Anya's arm and rubs it to console her. Clarke can feel her pain and knows what it's like to love against all sense of will.
Lexa can't believe the strength she is seeing from Clarke, how she is handling the news. She can't help but feel a glowing sense of pride to call this girl hers.
"How long has this been going on?"
Anya shrugs her shoulders, "On and off for a while, but steady for over 6 months."
Clarke sighs, thinking to herself. She looks up at Lexa, "And you didn't know?"
Lexa shook her head, "no…"
Relieved that Lexa didn't know, that someone else wasn't keeping something from her she continues,
"What happened Anya?"
Clarke was concerned for her, she knew her mother and she was a very collected and calculative person. She was tenaciously caring but her work was more important to her than anything so it hindered her with ill timed resolutions, which Clarke was all too familiar. She understood the eclipse that is her mother, one moment you are warm under her light and then in the next you can be left cold under her shadow. It was something she feared and admired about her mother. Clarke was upset but not at Anya.
She can see Anya now.
Bare.
Broken.
She wasn't angry.
She knows she should be but she isn't.
For the first time she feels like her eyes are wide open.
She sees herself in Anya at this moment with austere clarity.
Clarke sees the remnants of a jagged past cutting chasms into her present, sparing no mercy for stability, leaving only doubt to decay the choices she once believed in.
Anya doesn't speak because she doesn't exactly know what happened, she could just feel it happening. At her inability to explain or justify herself, she winces in self-loathing.
"Shh…it's okay…." Clarke scoots up to her side, mimicking her position and puts an arm around her. She doesn't need to hear an explanation. Clarke leans her head against Anya's shoulder and starts to hum a low melody. It was faint but loud enough to distract any corrupting frequency of her mind. They sit like this for a while as Lexa shifts her weight on her heels admiring Clarke comforting her sister. Her heart grows in her chest as she looks on, hearing the soft cathartic rumble of her voice.
It calms her too.
Something inside of Lexa settles and she swears it almost feels like security.
Raven sits at the bar with her forehead resting in her hand propped up by an elbow accompanied by an old fashioned. Her brain is on overdrive thinking how she can fix this. She is always moving pieces around in her head, gears always turning.
"What's on that genius mind of yours?" Octavia nudges her with her shoulder.
The mechanic smiles and quips, "everything and nothing- all in its infinity."
Sometimes she doesn't make sense or it makes too much sense to even make sense of it all.
"You know, you get so into your head when you get drunk. It's kind of hot." She tries to lighten her mood and it works.
Raven lifts her head out of her hand, "You think I'm hot huh?"
"kind of…"
"Pshh, you basically ravaged me the first chance you got."
Octavia turns bright red and shifts in her seat. This was the first time Raven has brought that night up.
"heh, yeah…" O takes a swig of her beer and picks at the label, not knowing what to say.
They both glance away pretending to watch the UFC match on the television.
"I've never done anything like that before, let alone react the way that I did."
Octavia stops breathing at the surprise confession, the atmosphere isn't playful in fact it's almost serious. She clears her throat slowly turning to look at her. The vulnerability glows from her eyes, it's sweet and the softest she has ever seen Raven. Her head rests on her arm on the bar now, looking straight at her.
"It was my first time…" Octavia leans in, "With a girl; being like that."
Raven picks her head up, "Like what?"
She swallows, "dominant."
"Oh." Her umber eyes flicker down to the cherry she has been fiddling with in her drink.
"Did…" Octavia fidgets with her label again; it's nearly completely picked off. "Did you like it?"
Raven curls her bottom lip in between her teeth taking a breath in through her nose and exhales.
"Wasn't it obvious?" She looks at her friend, noticing how nervous she is.
Octavia exhales a breathy laugh and nods.
"Like I said, I've never reacted that way before Octavia..."
"What way?" Octavia knows what she is talking about but she just wonders if she will say it out loud, being the little dirt pocket that she is.
Raven lets out a small laugh lifting herself straight in her stool, "Never mind."
"What, no…" Octavia turns completely towards her scooting on the edge of her stool so her knees clamp around one of Raven's as her hand falls on her thigh. "Don't be embarrassed, it's just me…"
"You felt it..." She shrugs her shoulders, "I like… came everywhere." She blushes immensely, covering it up by tilting her drink back to finish it.
"And that really turned me on Ray" she squeezes her thigh to reassure her.
"I heard"
Octavia smirks with uncertainty, "Yeah? How come you didn't turn over then?"
Raven stiffens and slouches her shoulders subsequently.
"I felt like I did something wrong…I know I am not that experienced like you but… I can learn if yo—"
"Octavia, you didn't do anything wrong and you don't need to learn anything. You're really fucking good. Like… fuck." Raven runs her hand through her hair, "It's good. You're good." She puts her hand over Octavia's hand that still rests on her thigh.
"I was just really surprised and not used to being handled like that." Raven flashes a look of concern, "And if you tell anyone about it I will withhold Her from you for months."
Octavia laughs, "Her?"
"Yeah she doesn't like it when girls kiss and tell on her." Raven looks down toward her crotch with a grin.
Octavia looks at her crotch and lifts her brows taking the last sip of her beer, "well…"
"WHAT?! You didn't!"
"I had no one else to talk to! You weren't talking to me! I was kind of freaking out…Clarke is like not telling someone, you know. She doesn't count!"
"OH. MY. GOD. I'll just ostrich out the rest of the semester, thanks for that." Raven groans with a smile and slams her head against her arm resting on the bar top.
Aurora- Conqueror (Kartell Remix)
There was silence in the alley as three girls sit side by side now, two arms overlapping the back of one. One heart grows stronger; one abates and the other interludes. The effectuation of their past rears itself prominently in each of them, defeating them in battle but has yet won the war.
Clarke clears her throat and begins, "Losing portions of yourself because people aren't in your life as they should be or as you want to be is a seemingly harsh self betrayal. You fight; clawing and pushing in a desperate plea that it all stays together. Scars form around the gaps in your heart and you think nothing can ever grow there again."
Clarke sits on Anya's left side as Lexa sits on the right. She speaks looking straight ahead as they listen. Lexa has never heard her talk about herself in this way, in fact she has never seen her this open in the three years she has known her. It feels bitter sweet to witness the bloom. Her center so exposed and vulnerable, it burns Lexa's heart in duality. Clarke is showing such resilience and strength in this moment that she almost looks different. She feels the shift of the cadence in her voice, the shift in her frequency; more powerful than ever which causes a rift in the brunette's heart. She envies Clarke's vitality wishing she herself could achieve the elevation. Her nadir must have been last night and instead of succumbing to the world, she broke through rock bottom and ended up right on top.
"…But it's wrong of you to set this impossible standard for yourself and your heart. It's finite yes, but those scars are life itself. Things are taken and broken but you are still there, alive. You always will be left alive in the end and if you're lucky some people will stick by your side, even if it just temporary because you see— nothing is forever. All we have is this…"
Clarke sways the trio with her shoulder, "Right here, the now. Past be damned because it's just another step that gets us to where we are going. Though it is up to us to keep stepping up, to keep moving forward. Those scars are strength…love is strength."
Lexa is sure she isn't just talking to Anya; she is talking to herself with her newfound salience. She is discovering a new part of herself and she gets to witness it.
"It seems there is tragedy in all things yet because of them we get something more illustrious. We find pieces of ourselves in those moments, within other people, and even inside us that we never knew were there. And with all that we can either pick up those pieces and build upon ourselves or let them lie to poke holes in the fabric of our existence."
Clarke blinks and turns to find Lexa staring at her with tears in her eyes. The corner of her gaunt lip rises, as she knows her tears aren't of sorrow because she is smiling that smile that lets her know it's them against the world. Clarke nods to her, tears already laden paths down her own cheeks and leans her head against Anya's.
"You are one of the strongest people I have ever known Anya and from now on you will be a part of our scars. We will hold each other up so we can use our internal mars as steps to personal power. I've adopted you into our family now, and there is no running from it, for I will hunt you down to only bring you back… Do you hear me?"
She laughs light heartedly knocking her shoulder into Anya searching for a sign of permeation. Anya sobs but nods her head in acceptance. And that's the first step.
Lexa wants to speak but she is rendered speechless. Even though her words weren't exactly meant for her, she felt them reverberate her proverbial foundation; amending it's constitution. Her tears fall in liberation and she can't help but grip Clarke's shoulder behind Anya's back in approbation, she is so proud of her. This girl was beyond what she could ever hope to find in this world. Clarke looks up into viridian smiles and sees Lexa silently mouth an 'I Love you.'
She returns it without missing a beat.
"In all seriousness Ray, I have never felt this way for a woman before…so there are so many firsts for me. I want to take this slow like we said because despite how natural and easy it is to be with you, I am still catching up on the inside."
Raven nods, quietly hearing the words that seep between the lines. She knows Octavia cares about her but all she can hear right now is those words slipping past all others; the ones that say 'I'm not sure if I'm in love you' 'I don't know myself' 'We will see'.
Raven feels the love but it always needs declaration, what love doesn't require that final vow to tether itself to the intended?
She just nods.
"Raven?"
She nods again.
"Are you listening to me?"
She nods but this time she blinks her eyes and responds, "Yeah…I hear you."
"Are you sure you are hearing me because it seems as though you are stuck somewhere between those gears of yours. Talk to me…" Octavia wants nothing more than to be at home with Raven in her arms so she can feel more of her thoughts.
"I…" She begins but the sight of someone so familiar and yet so foreign has caught her eye. "What is she doing here?" Her head lifts and perks her head forward to see if her eyes are deceiving her.
Octavia turns not quite seeing who she is talking about, "Who Raven?"
"Clarke's mom is here…" she says softly.
Octavia stands this time and leans out into the walkway. She spots Abby with a worried look in her brow. They both watch her approach the bar at the end; none of them intend to move toward her. Abby purchases a few bottles of water and walks right by them with out notice. She is wearing scrubs and looks a bit disheveled.
"What… did Clarke call her mom? What is happening?" She grabs Raven's arm and pulls her up to follow.
Anya's sobs hinder and soon her head is lifted as she breathes steady.
"Thank you Clarke, your words mean more than you know…"
"I mean it An, I want you around more. I won't take no for an answer."
Anya nods in compliance, "I'd like that."
"We are home Anya, no more running, no more fighting…" Lexa grips her sister's arm. "I don't think my body can take anymore of your beatings." She laughs.
Anya chuckles with a short exhale, "Sorry kid, it's just another scar… Step up."
Clarke laughs at her words being parroted which in turn makes them all laugh, lightening the mood and bringing them into benevolence.
The back door opens and they all look up with smiles on their faces until Abby emerges into the alleyway. Anya's face drops as she abruptly straightens up her shoulders, causing the two girls to lean outward.
"Wha…what are you doing here?" Her voice projects barely carrying weight.
"I texted her."
Anya whips her head to her left to look at Clarke and then back up at Abby. Her expression is strained and full of worry.
"I think you two need to talk. I realized that I might be the underlying cause of all this and just in case that I am, I need to let you both know…" She looks up at her mom and then back down to Anya. "I will not stand in the way of whatever this is. I am not exactly sure I understand it but you both seem to care for one another and I won't get in the way of that."
(Octavia and Raven peak their heads out from the door. They don't move any further, content to just observe the chaos of the night)
Clarke gets up wiping her pants from the damp gravel that clings and looks up to Abby, "Mom…thank you for coming."
Abby steps forward, "Clarke…"
Clarke lifts her hand up, "We will talk later but for now…" She looks down at Anya, "…fix this."
Abby looks down at Anya and flicks her a smile.
Clarke looks at Lexa and signals for her to get up and follow her lead. Before they can walk away to give them space, Abby hands them both water bottles. "Drink these and go home girls. You have school tomorrow." And there, amongst everything, is her tenacious due diligence, her motherness never ceasing.
"Thanks mom" Clarke reaches out to take the bottle of water with one hand as she reaches out with her other to squeeze her mom's arm.
Abby looks down at her reassuring grip and glints back up to look in her daughters eyes. There is something different about her. She can't quite place what it is but she feels durability radiating from her daughter and couldn't be more proud of the woman she has become. She reaches out to grip her hand in its place with a pithy smile.
Clarke beams in kind and then turns away entwining her fingers in Lexa's hand to head back inside.
Cigarettes after sex- Affection
Abby looks after them until they disappear behind the doors. She sighs heavily and pivots to meet Anya's afflicted gaze.
"Hey…" she whispers as she lowers herself to sit in front of Anya.
The girl doesn't say anything fighting back her tears. She is done crying and doesn't want to let Abby see her so weak.
"Hey…" She says again scooting closer moving one leg in between Anya's as the other wraps to her side, embracing her in a hug. She pulls away opening the last bottled water she has and hands it over to Anya.
"I'm sorry Anya, It hasn't been easy for us..." She holds her tight.
"Clarke is stronger than I thought and it shouldn't have come to this. I can't tell you I know exactly what I am doing or where this is going but within our own little world, it feels like it all could be okay." She shifts her face to nuzzle in the crook of Anya's neck while she drinks.
Anya loses her battle as tears descend— she swallows "I'm sorry too…" lifting her arms off her knees she wraps them around the older woman. "I found something in you Abby…and I am so glad that I did. I don't regret anything…"
Abby lifts her head from her neck feeling a 'but' coming on.
Her eyes water as she asks, "…but?"
Anya takes another sip of water before continuing, "But I think we needed each other in a way we both were missing. In a twisted sense we found it in pieces…"
She closes her eyes. "We fit them as best we could in the void but…"
She sighs a deep sigh, not sure if she will regret what she is about to say."I don't think this is what we need now… Our paths are going two separate ways Abby…"
She looks at her trying to see if she understands.
Abby nods her head with her eyes unfocused, her mind flashing back to high school. She fell in love with a girl on the basketball team. Her name was Becca. They spent every moment together until her parents found out about them. They tried to keep in touch but Becca's parents took every precaution in keeping them from their love. Soon it became too difficult, their paths were pulled apart before they could discover the pieces of themselves within each other.
"Abby… I think we found a bit of ourselves in each other." Anya rests the palm of her hand on her cheek. "I think sometimes that is the reason why some people are brought together. Your daughter helped me realize that today... She said 'we can either pick up those pieces and build upon ourselves or let them lie to poke holes in the fabric of our existence.' And I found a part of me in you Abby… that I was missing for a very long time. I never had a mother or someone I could love like I have with you. It was a mix of things that I had no idea that I was missing until I met you."
The older woman closes her eyes and lifts her hand to hold against the younger girl's cheek as well, she understands that this must end. That Anya is ending it. Despite the resistance she feels in her heart she holds on to the words she is saying.
"I feel the same Anya… I think I have found a piece of me in you that I didn't get a chance to find when I was younger. I really do love you; I think we will always hold a part of each other within ourselves." As she says this, her voice fades into a mere whisper and this makes Anya's heart coil.
Anya leans forward and places the most fragile kiss she could muster upon Abby's quivering mouth. She holds it there, feeling her, and taking her in. Love comes in so many forms that it takes a bit of understanding and struggle to truly realize the exact nature in which it manifests in moments. The younger girl pulls away keeping their foreheads touching, "I will always love you Abby."
Abby nods against her forehead, "…And I you."
Anya smiles to herself as she feels the weight of this love wash over her. She feels purged from her own restraint to understand it. She makes sure to put this piece she found in the right place in her heart and with that she feels stronger already. Like her past lead her to this and because of it her head is above the water, she is through the fray.
Abby breathes inwardly, understanding this path and is thankful for Anya. Her mind flashes to the words her daughter told Anya and she smiles. Everything she went through, from the high school heartbreak to her husband's death, in this moment she feels elated. Clarke has grown into something stronger than she could ever be and she realizes that with out being on this path, she would have never been the woman she is today. Abby justifies herself for the sake of her daughter because that is what you do when you have someone else in your life that means more to you than itself. She squeezes Anya tighter, focusing on her growing heart to know this girl and to be the mother of a wonderful human being.
"It'll be okay Anya… You will be okay."
"I know." Anya sighs in relief, "So will you."
Abby stifles a small laugh and pulls away to look in her eyes. She smiles and leans in to give her an endearing kiss on the forehead before getting up to extend her arm.
Anya grins and reaches up with her forearm into a secure grip to be pulled up off the ground.
She gets to her feet stepping closer to the older woman and utters, "May we meet again" with irrevocable devotion. The meaning in the words transcend into a remedial farewell. It's not like they won't see each other but they both understand it is a departure from who they were. The love they shared soothes the wounds that never healed as scars begin to form.
Step up…