A/N: Thanks to everyone who wrote such nice things to me. I am much better and hopefully won't have to take another break before this story ends. Special thanks to my beta, Michelle, and my head cheerleader, Lisa.
The Runaway – Chapter Twenty-One – This Time
Kurt loved the Warblers. Sometimes he could sneak a song selection in when the council called for suggestions because when Wes wasn't in his formal councilor mode, he was a pretty nice guy. Kurt usually sat in the back of the Senior Commons on one of the deep leather chesterfield sofas. He was still trying to figure out the dynamics of the group: he knew Trent had a huge crush on Nicky, but Nicky had yet to show that he was interested, at least during a Warbler rehearsal. Kurt and Blaine weren't convinced that Trent had even told Nicky.
Jeff was crazy about someone with the initials "SS" and Kurt wondered if it was one of the Warblers or even a boy here at Dalton. Jeff was always cheerful and fun-loving with everyone, so it was hard to tell if he was flirting with one boy more than another.
"We are going to sing "Raise Your Glass" for the end of the year showcase. Blaine is set to be lead singer, but I think there's room there for two leads, the song can work as a duet. Any suggestions?" Wes asked the room at large.
"How about Kurt?" Nick said.
"Jeff hasn't had a solo yet, and this song is perfect for his voice," Sebastian suggested.
"David, I know you have said before that you don't want a lead, but I think this could be a good song for you," Thad put in. It seemed as if every Warbler had a candidate for the duet.
Wes had to finally get out his gavel (not that using the gavel hurt his feelings one bit) and brought the room to order.
"I think we can start by asking who would like to sing the duet," Wes said, calling first on Blaine.
"I have had a lot of lead songs, and a lot of solos. I'd like to remove my name from the list of candidates so two of my fellow Warblers can have a chance to shine. It's only fair," he stated, then sat down. Leaning close to Kurt he whispered in his ear, "Do you want to have a solo?"
"Not right now, Bee. I just want to get used to singing with them first. I've had a lot on my plate, you know? I don't want to jump in head first."
"Okay, Beau. Understood."
Sebastian suggested Jeff again and there were some other boys that raised their hands. After a heated debate, the duet for the song went to Trent and Nicky.
"I'll have the music sheets ready by tomorrow morning, you can set up a practice session in here, then after a week we'll work as a whole group to do the backup and choreography. Any new business other than that?" Wes asked, but no one raised their hand. Wes hit the gavel and dismissed the meeting.
Walking back across campus, Trent, Kurt, and Blaine strolled around the long way, smelling the new blooms and commenting on how pretty the grounds were this year.
"I'm waiting for the lilacs to bloom, they're late this year," Blaine said as they walked by a long hedge of them. He winked at Kurt, who blushed so nicely, remembering the chat from the night before about their bucket lists. He had mentioned something about a field of lilacs and a certain movie star.
"Hey, Trent, what's on your bucket list?" Blaine asked, noticing how quiet he had been all the way home.
"Nicky," Trent answered.
"Nicky what? Going on vacation with him? Singing with him? Hey, that's going to come true – the two of you singing together," Kurt observed, giving Trent an encouraging smile.
"Anything as long as Nicky is involved. Have you seen him? Wow, he is so gorgeous," Trent sighed, looking all misty-eyed.
"Did he say anything to you? I thought I saw the two of you talking when Wes banged his gavel," Blaine asked.
"Yeah...he wanted to set up a time to get together to practice. Jeff offered to help, so I guess we're meeting in the Senior Commons tomorrow evening after Polo practice," Trent said. It didn't take a clairvoyant to see that Trent didn't want Jeff around as third wheel. The practice room next to Senior Commons had a thick oak door, was soundproof, and locked from the inside. Kurt and Blaine knew this because it was one of their favorite places to meet during the day for some alone time when going back to the dorm would look suspicious.
"Well, at least you get to be with him, maybe another person there would be good – to save you from that initial quiet I-don't-know-what-to-say awkwardness?" Kurt suggested, trying to put a better spin on it.
"Yeah, there's plenty of time to be alone with him. I don't mind it if Jeff is there, he's an alright guy," Trent tried to make it sound as if it would be fine, but both of his companions knew better. Trent was very shy and they exchanged looks that said, 'Let's help the poor kid out – we can distract Jeff'.
"Well, this is me," Trent said as they reached his dorm building. "I'll see you two for breakfast."
"Have a good night, Trent," Blaine said, giving him an understanding pat on the shoulder.
"Sweet Nicky dreams," Kurt whispered in his ear before he gave him a big hug.
"Goodnight, guys," Trent said, and went inside his building.
"Well, I think we need to think up a reason for Jeff to be very busy after Polo practice tomorrow," Blaine said, his mind going a million miles a minute.
"Hey, I can hear the gears spinning in there, Bee. You'll think of something," Kurt said with confidence.
"Do you want to come with me to polo practice? We can think of something together," Blaine asked. Usually Kurt spent the time away from Blaine in the library.
"Ah...well, is this a formal practice?" he asked, meaning was it officially a school polo practice or was it just the guys practicing on their own.
"Nah...it's just the bunch of us that like to ride. We do some practice with controlling the ball, passing, working the horses to ride closer together, just stuff like that," Blaine said. "I'd love for you to come along," he said with hope in his eyes.
"Sure. Maybe I can ride a little, too?"
"Yeah, I'll ask Trent if you can borrow Rocky," he said.
Kurt made a mental note to call Sheila later. He and Sheila, and sometimes Katie, had been practicing. Sheila was a natural when it came to teaching horseback riding and Kurt had come a long ways in being able to balance his off-center weight on the horse. He had stopped riding Rocky a few weeks ago and was now using Sunshine – one of Sheila's horses. Sunny was a younger horse but had been used for polo when Sheila got him. Of all the Barnes kids, she was the one that rode the most and through summer jobs had earned enough to buy three horses. She was happy to let Kurt ride Sunny.
"Sounds like a plan," Kurt said, happy that he could show Blaine all the improvements in his riding ability.
Back at the dorm, they got a snack and sat on the sofa watching a movie. Blaine had a large plasma screen that was hooked up to his PS4 so they could watch blu-ray. Kurt wished he could get something like this for his dad.
"Hey, Beau, you're looking sleepy," Blaine mentioned. Kurt was lying on the sofa, using his boyfriend's lap as a pillow. His fingers were just barely touching the ever-increasing bulge in Blaine's shorts and he suppressed a giggle. He was trying to make it seem all unintentional, from his just barely-there brush against Blaine's cock to his innocent face.
"Ah, yeah...I guess I was dozing off a bit. Sorry, Bee," Kurt said, maintaining enough of an innocent expression that Blaine didn't call him out on it – yet, anyway.
"Let's just go to bed. I know it's early, but it was a long weekend full of stress and we need our rest," Blaine said. Kurt smirked to himself. If Bee thought he was going to get rest, he was very much mistaken.
After their nightly routine of brushing teeth, skin conditioning, and setting a glass of water for each of them on their nightstands, the two boys were in bed. Blaine in just pajama pants – soft cotton with Casper the Friendly Ghost printed on them and Kurt in his Royal Stewart plaid pajama shirt from LL Bean and his briefs.
Blaine tried to fall asleep. He was very tired, both physically and emotionally, and he knew that he needed a full night's sleep. Tomorrow was Thursday and the oncologist was due to call Kurt with the test results. Although it was almost a foregone conclusion that the PET Scan would be negative, there was still that little bit of uncertainty that kept niggling at his brain, casting doubt on their future together. Blaine knew that if was affecting him this way, Kurt must be feeling pretty apprehensive.
"Did you call your dad today, Beau?"
"Yeah, this morning. He was still in bed – I called about six thirty. He's usually up and dressed by then," Kurt said, then his voice got a lighter tone to it. "I thought I could hear something in the background, like another voice. A feminine voice." Kurt giggled.
"Carole?"
"I think so. I heard Dad trying to shush her without making any sounds, but he whispers pretty loudly," Kurt went on. "I hope it was her. Dad deserves to be able to love someone. It's been a long time since Mom died."
Blaine put his arms around Kurt, pulling him close and cradling Kurt's face in his chest. He began to stroke his temple gently, humming a lullaby and Kurt closed his eyes.
"I know you miss your mom," Blaine said, wishing with all of his might that he had the power to bring her back for Kurt.
"You miss yours just as much. You are always here to comfort me...you know, when I'm thinking about Mom, but...you must miss your own folks just as much, Bee. Would it help to talk about them?"
"Maybe. I do miss them. We didn't have the same relationship that you do with your dad. It was ….I don't know, more formal? They were not my companions, I didn't confide my dreams and hopes to them. But they were there for me, encouraging me to do my best, helping me to think about what I wanted from life. If I had a question about anything, they would help me find the answer."
"That sounds wonderful," Kurt sighed.
"Yeah, it was so cool to visit them at the hospital, Mom used to work in the birthing center. I'd get to go and look at the new babies through the glass. I would try and choose which one would be the one I wanted to bring home. I thought about becoming a doctor – they were so proud of Cooper when he graduated from medical school. I was...I don't know, I don't want to say I was jealous, it was more like I knew at that moment that I wanted to make them proud of me, too."
"I know they would be proud of anything you decide to do. Is your dearest dream to be a doctor? What kind?" Kurt asked.
"I don't know. I love kids, but I'm not so sure I want to be a pediatrician. I don't want to be the person that has to tell a parent that their beloved child has...cancer," Blaine confessed, his eyes filled with tears.
"Hey, baby, don't worry. I have a thick skin, I told you before that you don't need to worry about saying anything in front of me. They're just words," Kurt assured his boyfriend.
"Yeah...I know, but I should learn to be more circumspect. My mouth is always getting me into trouble," Blaine said, a sad look on his face.
"I don't know, your mouth is talented enough to get you out of trouble too" Kurt smirked at him with a wink. A sudden flush of color stained Blaine's cheeks.
"Let's not dwell on that. Tell me other things you've thought you wanted to become," Kurt urged, hoping the change of subject might bring a smile to those kissable lips.
"Hmmm...maybe a veterinarian? That is still in the realm of medicine but animals might be easier to deal with. When I was little I wanted to be a polo player. I would love to be a singer...I don't know. So many things to choose from, and only one lifetime to do them," Blaine said, then pulled Kurt closer and kissed him. They had been kissing a lot lately, at the picnic, at Kurt's house, in secret corners in the classrooms at Dalton. Blaine could never get tired of kissing Kurt.
"Blaine? Can we do something besides kiss tonight?" Kurt whispered in his ear.
"What did you have in mind?"
Kurt gave him a sweet smile and came closer, removing his Royal Stewart plaid pajama shirt and snuggled close to Blaine. He kissed Blaine's lips slowly, combing his fingers through the silky curls. When they stole moments during the school day to hide in private corners or the little storage room at the back of the Warbler's choir room and share kisses it was always so quick – not that Kurt was planning on stopping that any time soon, of course, but here in their bed they could take their time and bask in the warmth of each others' adoration. Time together to know each other so well, to share their minds and bodies, was a luxury neither boy had dared to think could be reality while they were in high school.
As always, Kurt stopped kissing his lips to move down to his neck. This was the place he loved the most, the secret place that made Blaine's skin shiver and his throat catch as he tried to suppress his moans. Blaine hated making noise when they were kissing – it seemed to embarrass him that he was unable to stop even the little noises that crept out. It had the opposite effect on Kurt. Blaine's sighs of satisfaction, the tiny whimper he made when he wanted more – every sound went straight to Kurt's belly, coiling there and waiting to swirl into heat when Kurt got close to orgasm.
"I wanted to ask you something, Bee," Kurt stated.
"Sure, anything..." Blaine offered. Kurt had stopped kissing him for a brief moment and Blaine took over, concentrating on Kurt's collar bone and the way it always made him quiver with excitement when his kisses came down to the hollow by Kurt's neck.
"I...well...we have only made love once and I was hoping...we could try it the other way?" Kurt asked. He was shy about it, the words coming slowly as he tried to make himself heard above the pounding of his heart.
"Are you sure, Beau? I mean, there's no hurry. We're going to be together for a long time you know," Blaine wanted it so badly that he wasn't sure of himself. Was Kurt just offering to make Blaine happy or did he want it as badly as Blaine did?
"Yeah...I'm sure. I keep dreaming about it, and when I'm just sitting in class it's all I can think about. That's not good when the teacher is giving a lecture on Charlemagne," Kurt joked, but Blaine could hear that he was serious underneath the kidding.
"You know I love you, baby, and I will keep on loving you no matter whether we have sex or not. That's a big reason I like being with you, but there is so much more..." Blaine said softly, touching Kurt's face and running his finger down Kurt's cheek to rub against his lower lip.
"Yeah, I know. I feel the same way about you," Kurt replied just as quietly, the palm of his hand feeling its way down Blaine's chest, fingers catching the elastic in Blaine's pajamas and inching around his waist.
"Can we...is it okay if we turn the lights out?" Kurt asked. He was still a little shy about anyone seeing his body, his stump, and didn't want Blaine to see him when he was so vulnerable. He trusted Blaine, but somehow the dark was sexier for him. He could see a little from the firelight, they had a gas fireplace that was throwing flickering shadows on the walls, illuminating his lover's face.
"Yeah...of course," Blaine agreed, patting Kurt's shoulder to let him know it was fine, that Blaine understood his hesitance, and he felt a sharp stab of pain knowing it was him that made Kurt feel vulnerable.
Kurt reached over to the side of the bed, finding the small bottle there on the nightstand and setting it close beside himself for later.
"Do you want...ah..." Kurt started to say, but words failed him and he put his fingers back under the waistband of Blaine's pajamas and tugged gently to pull them off, stretching the elastic over his erection carefully. "Ah..." Kurt sighed, the sight of Blaine naked and so aroused made Kurt's cock feel instantly harder. His hand went there before he gave it a thought, cupping his own cock and then palming over it until Blaine's hand joined his and they touched it together through Kurt's pajama pants.
Blaine kissed Kurt's lips once, then helped him to remove the pants. By the time he was lying beside Kurt again he was shaking.
"Blaine? What's wrong?" Kurt asked. He felt Blaine's forehead, but it was cool. "Babe, why are you shaking?"
Blaine blushed so red his chest was pink. He didn't want to tell Kurt, so he kissed him again, making sure their bodies were touching as much as possible from ankles to chins.
"Shhh..." he said, kisses trailing down Kurt's chest, trying to distract his Beau while he attempted to stem the panic building in his belly. His chest felt tight, but he'd had panic attacks before, he knew that all he had to do was get himself to that calm, silent space for a few moments. He went back to kissing Kurt's mouth.
Kurt responded, anxious to get closer to Blaine. He was so hard, rubbing against Blaine's thigh, whimpering so quietly that Blaine had to strain to hear him. Kurt's hand, so warm against his skin, was stroking down his back, calming him. It was going to be okay – Blaine concentrated on that. 'This is okay...this is okay...' he thought in his head until he had silenced the panic monster into submission.
Then Kurt's fingers found their way into the place between his cheeks, his index finger brushing across that small pink asterisk and Blaine jumped half-way off the bed. The shaking started all over again.
"Hey...what did I do?" Kurt asked, his eyes wide and his face pale.
"Nothing...nothing, Beau. You didn't do anything wrong..." Blaine tried to comfort him, but Kurt was not going to ignore this.
"Then what's wrong?" Kurt demanded.
"Ah...well...I'm kind of nervous. I have this picture in my mind, but I've never done this and..." Blaine mumbled.
"You were fine when you were riding me, baby. What's different now?" he asked.
"I don't want to hurt you. I know we talked about this before...but I'm scared of hurting you," Blaine whispered.
"Did you like it when I stretched you?" Kurt asked so softly, his body warm in Blaine's arms, his lips close to Blaine's ear.
"Yeah...I did..." Blaine's voice just a whisper, a shiver making it's way down his spine as he thought about that day.
"I think I'd like it, too," Kurt told him seriously, a whimper following the admission.
"Okay, Beau. Okay," Blaine agreed. He kissed Kurt's temple, then his cheek as he gently pressed down on his chest. "Lie back, baby...I'll take care of you."
Kurt sighed, closing his eyes to feel Blaine's hands on him, the gentle massaging touches, then the magic of his fingers trailing across his skin. Blaine hesitated, still wary of causing Kurt any pain, but took a deep breath. He could do this. He'd had dreams about sex, as every boy does, but this was the specific one – to open Kurt, to feel that close to him, to be surrounded by him. Blaine hoped for a moment that it really would be as amazing as he heard it was. Kurt had sucked him off quite a few times and Blaine could not imagine anything else ever feeling that good. He was ready to find out, though.
He saw the little bottle beside Kurt on the bed and popped the cap open, that sound making him harder like it always did. What was he - some kind of sexually-charged Pavlov's dog? Well, maybe. He squirted out a little dollop of the thick gel and remembered the day he and Kurt had gone to the drug store to buy a bottle. The clerk looked at them, a disapproving frown on his face that chased the couple away for that day, blushing. It was a good thing that Blaine's brother was a doctor because the medical grade lube was so much better.
Looking down at his fingers in the darkened room, he remembered what he'd read so many times. 'Too much is almost enough for your first time'. He tried to recall how much Kurt had used when Blaine had ridden him, but the memory of that part of the day was hazy, overshadowed by the excitement and thrill of his first time.
"Are you ready for me to touch you, Beau?" he whispered, his voice quiet but bringing his excitement with it, the sounds swirling together with the touch and sight and smell of this...Kurt was barely able to nod, his breath coming in short bursts as he anticipated Blaine's touch.
Blaine ran his clean hand down the back of Kurt's leg. They had removed the prosthesis before climbing into bed, so it wasn't in the way. Blaine's hand urged Kurt to spread his thighs apart, the slow and deliberate strokes with their own rhythm, their own beat like music in Kurt's head. He couldn't help but run his own hands down the inside of his thighs, his hands on top of Blaine's. Blaine rubbed his fingers together, wanting every bit of cold to vanish so the gel was warm when it touched his lover.
His clean hand went to Kurt's erection, lightly stroking to bring his attention there to distract him from the initial breach of his sphincter. Blaine moved his index finger along the crease, over the pink bud of his entrance, just touching Kurt in this intimate place almost had Blaine coming with no other stimulation. He quickly moved his clean hand to stroke Kurt's neck, down his chest to rub his nipple before coming back to explore down to the dusting of chestnut hair below his belly-button.
Kurt was lying back, but all the built-up anticipation had his back arching, his hands twisted in the sheets.
"Blaine..." he whined, too afraid to ask again for what he wanted.
"I'll take care of you..." he whispered into Kurt's soft skin, rubbing his cheek over his boyfriend's belly and down to take his hard erection into his mouth. As soon as Kurt gasped at the moist heat, Blaine placed his finger at his entrance. He took another breath and eased inside, his head full of Kurt's whimpers as he pushed in. Kurt let out a sigh, waiting for the feeling to change from mild surprise to sensuous touches, spreading his thighs farther apart to let Blaine in.
"Bee...yes, oh...yes, baby..." Kurt murmured, eyes closed and mouth open, mantra on his tongue. Blaine pushed in so gently, cradling Kurt's waist with his other arm now and kissing his hip as he watched for Kurt to be comfortable before he added a second finger. He remembered how this felt, how the anticipation was almost as good as the real thing. He made sure of the lube, adding just a bit more before entering his boyfriend once again.
"Hmmmmggg," Kurt whined, opening his eyes to look deep into Blaine's eyes. "Yes..." he said, his brain too busy to think up words right now.
"Baby...is it good for you? Do you want me to suck you some more?" Blaine asked and saw Kurt's eyes light up at that suggestion. He kissed the tip a few times before swirling his tongue around the crown. His purpose was to add to the sensation, not to make him come sooner, so he slowed down. One more finger and he was stretching Kurt as gently as he could, sucking softly as he felt the sphincter begin to relax and allow him more room. The steady moans coming from Kurt's throat went up a few decibels in pitch as Kurt tried to bring his thought back to answering Blaine's question – then the noise increased three-fold as Blaine found a spot that made Kurt tense his leg muscles and curl the toes on his foot.
"That's right, Beau...trust me, baby, the more you can relax, the better it will be. Yes...how's that now?" Blaine asked, progress never felt this good before, and he smiled. When they had been doing this for quite some time, Blaine thought it was as good as it was going to get and slowly removed his fingers. There were several small towels at the side of the bed and he used one, the lubrication sticking stubbornly to his skin until he wiped it off. Who but Kurt would remember to put those there?
"What do you need now, Beau?" he whispered, letting go of Kurt's cock.
Kurt's eyes were dark and his cheeks so flushed they looked rosy even in the dark room. He couldn't begin to string more than a few words together, so he adjusted his body, holding on to his cock for a brief moment, wondering what might come next. He looked back at Blaine, a slow smile growing on his face. He blinked, still not able to say...
Blaine took Kurt's hesitation to be mere shyness, so he did what he thought would feel good. He shifted closer, a bit farther down in the bed and licked the inside of Kurt's thigh, moving back to just place his tongue along the crease between Kurt's cheeks as he remembered how that felt when Kurt did it to him. The lube was almost gone, so Blaine licked over and over, sliding in the stretched opening and adding pressure as he skirted along the rim, his tongue warm against Kurt's skin.
Kurt could barely hold still, the vibrations seeming to run all over his body from that simple action.
"Now, Bee?" Kurt asked, this was going to force him to come too soon, he needed Blaine to be inside him before that happened. Blaine understood and moved his knees between Kurt's outstretched thighs, resting his cock on Kurt's entrance, adding more lube, and then pressing himself just inside the rim. It didn't look as if it was going to fit and Blaine was hesitant to do more from the look on Kurt's face. He looked full of dread and fear.
"Beau? Are you okay? I can stop if you are hurting or if you're scared. Just say so - " Blaine said, now clearly worried.
"No. Just push in – all the way in, baby...please..." Kurt said, not willing to give up a chance to be with Blaine – to become one with him. Blaine hesitated again.
"Are you really, really sure – because it hurts at first, the burning is so painful, even though it's okay after a few strokes..."
"Blaine, are you trying to talk me out of this? If you don't want to do it, just say so. We don't have to do this now –fuck. We don't ever have to do this," Kurt pointed out, the frown on his face causing Blaine to start to go a bit limp.
"Yes, Kurt. I do want to do this, I want it so badly I can hardly keep myself from thrusting into you with such force that I drill right through you. I think about what you're going to feel, I think about how it's going to be for me. Damn it, Kurt. I just could never forgive myself if I hurt you," Blaine got very quiet towards the end. He was still scared.
Kurt sat up a bit, pulling Blaine's head closer, cradling his face with his hands.
"I hurt you the first time, didn't I? You said it didn't, that it was okay – but the truth is that I hurt you when I forced my way in," Kurt said.
"Yeah," Blaine started to reply, but Kurt interrupted.
"And would you wish that I had quit? Not gone on with it?"
"No. Never in a million years, Beau."
"Then let me have my turn. If it hurts that bad, I'll ask you to stop. Simple as that." Kurt let Blaine's face go, but maintained a touch on his biceps. He could see on Blaine's face that he had made up his mind. Life is full of pain and at least this one had a purpose. He would give up a bit of pain for the response Blaine had shown him the first time. The thought made Kurt happy and he relaxed and Blaine was able to push enough to get in all the way, his face lighting up as Kurt's body allowed him to thrust that hard. It was beyond anything anyone had ever told him, it was fucking amazing. He pulled part way out, taking a breath and pushed forwards once again and again.
"Oh...oh, Kurt...this is so good," Blaine uttered, his wonder at the tight, hot flesh engulfing him was more than amazing. He pulled out so slowly, worried about hurting Kurt while at the same time trying not to stop the rhythm. He thought about the book he had, the one he'd practically memorized about gay sex and he reached between them to touch Kurt, to pump him in time to the thrusts until Kurt took hold of his wrist to stop him.
"No...it's enough without..." Kurt managed to say, then put his leg around Blaine's waist, his other thigh tight to Blaine's side. It went on for just a few more heartbeats, the heat growing in Blaine's body, his spine tingling as he tried to tell Kurt how good it was, how close he was...
"Ehhrrrrnnng..." Blaine squealed, then he let the heat take him as he felt Kurt's body squeezing him even tighter. "Kuuuuuurrrrttt..." he breathed out, the rhythm of Kurt's release vibrating through Blaine's entire body, the catalyst of his own orgasm.
It was as if he wasn't in his own body any more, as if he was floating above the bed, watching the two lovers exchange their most precious thoughts, the sharing and love swirling in Blaine's head until he wasn't sure if he was still there in his body. He closed his eyes and just let himself float back down to Earth.
"Bee? Hey, Blaine? Are you okay?" he heard Kurt calling to him. He swam up from some place deep under water, his body light and floating for a moment. He wanted to call back, to touch Kurt's fingertips to be sure he was real, but he was too far away.
It was a long time later and Blaine opened his eyes, blinking in the light from the fireplace.
"Beau?" he said, trying to sit up.
"Oh, there you are. Bee, what happened? We were...ah...and you...well, when it was done, you passed out or something. I was just about to call Cooper," Kurt said, cradling Blaine's head on his chest and holding him with an iron grip.
"I don't know. We were making love and I had never even imagined it could be so...good. Amazing, spectacular, marvelous...and then I was floating above us. The only time that has ever happened was the day I found out my parents went down in the plane crash. Not that I"m comparing our sex with a plane crash..." Blaine said, when he saw the confused and hurt look on Kurt's face. "No...it was the emotions I think. I'm sorry..."
"Hey, I was just worried about you. I mean, you read in novels that someone passes out from good sex, but you don't expect it to happen in real life," Kurt said. "Honestly, Bee, are you okay?"
"Yeah. I must have hyperventilated. It was sooooo...I can't describe it, Beau. Saying it was the best thing I've ever experienced sounds so cliché, but it is absolutely the truth. Why haven't we been doing that every night of our lives?" He laughed. Kurt smiled. Blaine did seem okay now, but he had scared him. He had been out for almost three minutes, which sounds like a small time, but it's huge when it's your boyfriend.
"I guess we should clean up..." Blaine said, looking around him.
"Yes, I think we need a shower. Can we put fresh sheets on the bed, too? I know we don't have to but...?" Kurt asked.
"Yes, baby. If it would make you feel better," Blaine agreed. If he got to make love to Kurt like that, he'd change the linen and wash the sheets every day. He'd wash them in the river on a rock if he had to.
Standing to help Kurt up for a shower, Blaine was wobbly on his feet, his head still dizzy.
"Hey, Bee...maybe I need to help you to the shower. You okay?"
"Yeah, let me sit for a minute," Blaine muttered.
Ten minutes later he was feeling fine. He helped Kurt to the shower where they kissed and cuddled and touched. They washed each other's hair and toweled each other dry. Then they remade the bed with clean sheets, placing the old ones in the laundry hamper in the walk-in closet before getting back in to bed.
"You feel okay now?" Kurt asked. Blaine had been really quiet.
"Yes. Listen, there's something that I should have...ah...maybe talked over with you. I shouldn't have let it get to this stage before I told you is what I'm trying to say," Blaine tried again.
Kurt stiffened up. This did not sound very good. It sounded down right scary.
"Spill," was all Kurt said.
"Ah...I had a bad time when my parents died. You know I stayed with Trent's family, then Cooper moved back and we tried to live in the house, but it was too hard with all of their things there. You know that's why we live in the carriage house and why I have a dorm room. Well, there was another issue I don't like to talk about," Blaine said, blinking back tears.
"You don't have to tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable, Bee. We can wait until you feel better if that would help," Kurt offered, concerned.
"No, I want to have all my cards on the table. I didn't tell you because it is so insignificant compared to what you've been through. I mean...you had real issues, cancer, the amputation...my silly problems don't amount to anything compared to that," Blaine said, turning his head away.
"That's not fair. If this problem is causing you to cry, Blaine, then it isn't 'nothing'. If it's been going on since your parents died, it isn't 'nothing'. You know I care about you, babe. You know I love you – don't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, then you know I don't want anything to be looming over you. I want to share the burden. Okay?" Kurt asked, snuggling up close to Blaine and kissing him on his temple, his hand clutched tightly around his waist.
"Now it's been built up so far...you're going to think it's stupid," Blaine muttered.
Kurt took his chin in hand and turned Blaine's face towards him. He kissed his mouth, closing his eyes and kissed him again. Every time Blaine opened his mouth to protest, Kurt's lips were there to kiss him again. He pulled back, but Kurt's lips chased him again – and this time when Blaine opened his mouth to speak he found Kurt's tongue there, sliding in to rub gently across his own. Blaine finally began to laugh, trying to keep his lips on Kurt's, but the laughter was making it impossible.
"Okay, I surrender. I'll tell you," he said, still laughing. They sat for a few minutes, then Blaine's face got serious. "Ever since the day Cooper came home, ever since my parents died, I get these spells. Panic attacks. I can't breathe, my chest hurts, and sometimes if I let them go without taking the time to calm myself down then I pass out."
"Oh, Bee. I'm so sorry. Can you let me know when you have one? Maybe if you tell me how to help, I can do something when it comes back," Kurt offered. Then he stopped and was very still, the thoughts in his mind so plain on his face that Blaine could see it. He knew.
"Bee, you had one when we were in bed...when you and I...that's why you passed out, isn't it?" he asked.
"I think so," Blaine said, hanging his head.
"But...? Why? We've been kissing and making out and doing lots of things. Have you been having panic attacks all along?" Kurt wanted to know.
"No. I think this was the first one. It was fine until you asked me...to make love to you. I was really frightened that I might hurt you, baby. That's what started it I think," Blaine speculated. "I didn't take time to calm down, so when...when I came, it made me pass out. I won't let it happen again."
"Oh, Blaine. It was my fault! I knew you were upset, but I thought it was being excited to do it. Were you excited? Was...I don't know...should I have asked more questions? Did I push you too fast? Should you see your doctor?" Kurt asked.
"I'll call Cooper tomorrow," Blaine said, ready to be finished with the embarrassing discussion.
"Okay. I'll be here to make sure you do," he decided, kissing Blaine once more. "And Blaine? Promise me that next time, if you feel like that again, you'll tell me?"
"Yeah. I should have this time. So, there will be a next time?" Blaine asked and Kurt nodded his head. "Did you...ah...you didn't say if you liked it. Did you like it – as much as when you were bottoming?"
"Yes. I mean...wow, I had no idea how good that is, to be the top I mean. Kurt, it was so good, and I was thinking about how you felt and if it was as good for you when you topped...?" he asked, giggling. Kurt laughed, too.
"I guess we're both versatile? Because I loved both positions, Bee. I did. I can see many, many bright things in our future," Kurt said sincerely. "Do you want a cup of warm milk or hot chocolate maybe?"
"Can we just go to sleep? I'm so tired and I have fencing class tomorrow," Blaine asked, yawning.
"Yeah. Goodnight, Bee," Kurt said, "Come cuddle?"
"Sure, you know I always love to cuddle. Goodnight, Beau."
~KB~KB~KB~KB~KB~
"Cooper?"
"Ah...yes, who is this?"
"Kurt. Kurt Hummel."
"What's up? Oh – did you get your Pet Scan results?" Cooper asked, suddenly wide awake.
"No, not yet. It's about Blaine. I'm worried and I don't want to go behind his back, but I don't know who else to ask," Kurt said.
"Where are you?"
"I'm sitting in front of the Dalton library. Blaine and I had to get our papers done for French, I just stepped out here to call you," Kurt said.
"When does Blaine have Fencing?"
"In about half an hour. I usually stay here in the library until he's done. Can you meet me here?" Kurt asked.
"Sure. I'll be there at ten."
"Thanks, Cooper."
~KB~KB~KB~KB~KB~
"Kurt!" Cooper called from his car as he parked it in front of the library.
"Thanks for meeting me, Coop. I appreciate it," Kurt said, very politely.
"How about lunch? It's a little early, but I was going to Cora's for brunch. It's on me," he offered.
"Sounds like a plan."
They went to the local diner, opting to sit in the back surrounded by empty tables.
"Okay, what's up?"
"It's about Blaine. He told me he had panic attacks when he first found out about your parents dying," Kurt said.
"Yes, he did. That isn't unusual after an emotional event, Kurt. Surely you know that?"
"Yes. Well, he's having them again. He is ignoring them because he said it isn't as bad as having cancer, so he feels bad bringing attention to them in front of me. When he passed out it really scared me, Cooper. Do you think that he needs to see his doctor?"
Cooper sat for a few minutes, then the waitress brought them their meals. Welsh rarebit for Cooper and spinach omelet for Kurt.
"What was he doing when this happened?" Coop asked and was surprised to see Kurt with a dark red blush creeping up his cheeks. "Kurt?"
"Is it important?" Kurt asked, but the dejected slump of his shoulders said he knew he was going to have to tell. Cooper coughed.
"We were...ah...having...doing..something private," Kurt managed to mumble, no longer looking at Cooper's face.
"Oh. Well, I guess that could bring on a panic attack in some cases. Tell me exactly what happened," Coop asked and Kurt lost his blush, his face now a pale ivory.
"I don't mean what you two were up to – I mean describe the panic part."
"Oh. Well, we had spoken about trying something, ah..new. For us anyway. He said he could feel some of the symptoms then, but he ignored it because he...didn't want to disappoint me," Kurt said, his voice sad as if were all his fault. "I didn't notice anything then. We were... ahh...he said he was worried about hurting me," Kurt said in a quiet voice.
"Were you doing something dangerous?" Coop asked.
"No."
"Okay. I think I get it. Just nod if I'm right. You talked about this 'new' thing, he was worried but didn't tell you he was feeling symptoms. You two went ahead with this new thing – new position, new toy, whatever. When he came, he passed out. That about it?"
Kurt was red again. He looked at his shoes and mumbled a yes.
"I think he'll be okay. It doesn't sound serious, considering the circumstances. If this continues, make him go to the doctor, Okay? Or call me if it seems out of control. It was smart of you to seek help here, Kurt. Sorry you're embarrassed, but brave of you to look past that to find help. I do have a question. Are you guys being safe?" Cooper asked.
"Yes. My dad got me the pamphlets and we had two very, very long talks about it. Neither Blaine or I had been with anyone before, so we talked about it for a long time before we agreed on certain things. So...I'm not okay with saying anything more detailed, but we are being safe."
"Good to hear. Now, how's that spinach omelet?"
~KB~KB~KB~KB~KB~
Ring ring
"Kurt Hummel."
….
"Yes, Dr. Kim.
….
"Oh, I'm feeling fine today."
….
"Thank you, that is so good to hear! So, no more follow ups then. Okay.
…..
"Yes, I'll have one again next year. Then every five years? Yes, we can talk about that then. I"m glad, too. Goodbye, Dr. Kim.
Blaine was sitting across from Kurt. They had waited through most of their classes before the phone call came. The Warblers were all watching Kurt with bated breath, knowing this was the important call that Kurt and Blaine had been waiting for.
Twelve sets of eyes were on Kurt as he hung up the cell.
"It's negative!" he shouted. Blaine grabbed him into his arms, twirling him around as the rest of the Warblers shouted and cheered.
"This calls for a celebration!" Sebastian called out and brought two bottles from behind his back. "Champaign for everyone!"
The plastic flutes were filled and passed around as every member came together in the center of the room and toasted Kurt.
Blaine couldn't stop smiling, holding the boy he loved close as he kissed him in between sips of the bubbly. They were going to have such a good life together.