Jack
I blink several times at Jacey sitting there on the steps of my building before he rises to stand with me. "Jackie," he says, a faint smile gracing his beautiful face.
"Jacey!" I repeat, still stunned. "I...how did you...what are you doing here?" He reaches out and takes some of the things I'm carrying, freeing up one of my arms. I use it to wrap around his waist and pull him close to me for a kiss.
His lips against mine are soft and warm, and as delicious as I've always known them to be. His free arm comes up over my shoulders, wrapping around my neck. "Jackie," he murmurs when I release his lips. He rests his head on my shoulder, his face against my neck.
"I can't believe you're here," I tell him. "This is...this is the best surprise I've ever had."
He leans back and gives me that same faint smile. "Shall we go inside?"
"God, yes," I agree. I sprint up the steps and have the door unlocked before Jacey reaches me; I hold it open long enough for him to enter the building, then I'm up the next set of stairs to my apartment door. Again, I hold the door open until Jacey is through, and once I've got my shoes off, my mouth kicks into overdrive.
"I was thinking all day about you - well, I never stop thinking about you, of course - but this week especially because you've been so busy you haven't been able to email me. Shit, I didn't get enough for dinner for two! We can share mine if you like?" I look at him and he holds his hand up with a shake of his head, indicating that I should go ahead. "I could hardly concentrate at work today because I knew you'd call me tonight when you got back to the city; but look at you! You're here in my apartment!" I dash over to where he stands leaning against my dining room table to give him a quick kiss, before returning to the kitchen to grab my plate of takeout food. "You're sure you don't want anything? I mean, veggie spring rolls...!"
On and on I chatter, and Jacey sits with me at the table, listening patiently as I talk my way through dinner. I've barely talked to him in 3 weeks - I have so much to tell him. I strong-arm him into taking one of my spring rolls, and he plays with it on his plate. Finally, when dinner is over and I've run out of things I can say in an entirely one-sided conversation, I get up and hold my hand out to him. He takes it and I lead us to the couch. When we sit and he doesn't move to snuggle in my arms, I take a really close look at him for the first time. He has dark circles under his eyes that even his beautifully tanned skin can't cover, and he is uncharacteristically quiet, even considering how gentle and unobtrusive his presence normally is. For the first time it occurs to me that his visit might not just be a happy surprise, but that something may be wrong with him. "Jacey, you've barely said a word since you got here, and you look completely worn out. What's wrong?"
He moves closer to me then, resting his head on my shoulder. With his head tucked under my jaw I can't see his face anymore, but I hear him when he murmurs, "I love you so much, Jack."
"I love you too...I'm sorry, I should have said it when you got here, but I was just so surprised..."
I feel him shake his head slightly. "No, it's...don't worry about it."
We sit in silence for a few moments. I hold him, taking the time to renew my acquaintance with all the lovely things that accompany his presence: his sexy, warm scent; his long soft hair that's brushing his shoulders; the feel of his body pressing into mine. As I catalogue all these things I wait for him to tell me what's wrong, trusting that he will open up to me when he's ready. I'm so grateful he's here that I'm willing to give him all the time in the world.
Jacey
The week after Matt and I slept together was perhaps one of the worst of my life. On one hand, I was completely attracted to him and whenever I thought of him I got a flutter of excitement in the pit of my stomach; on the other hand, that flutter would invariably be followed by a little wave of nausea as I thought about what I was doing to Jack.
We didn't sleep together again, not while we were there at the camp; even in our off hours, we agreed it would be a bad idea. We did steal kisses here and there; he would bring me a sticky bun every day at ten-thirty and we'd share it before he went back to the theatre arts building. We swam together; and when someone declared a chicken fight, he swam between my legs and stood, lifting me up onto his shoulders. It was no secret among staff that we were "a thing", even though we didn't acknowledge it outright.
Thursday night, I told Matt that Jack would be on his way into Austin for the long weekend. He didn't say much in reply, just nodded before kissing me, and then said, "Guess I'll see you Monday night when you get back." He jumped down from the porch railing where we'd been sitting and strode off in the direction of his cabin. I didn't see him the rest of the evening; and he didn't bring a sticky bun the next morning. We were off at noon; and I did see him putting his stuff into his car. He caught my eye just before he got in, and gazed at me for a long moment before getting in and driving away.
-o-
The weekend I had with Jack was amazing. I had such moments of clarity, over and over, in his arms and at his side. When I rushed into his arms at the airport and took in the feel of his body, his scent I knew so well, and the sheer joy of being in his presence again, I thought, This is it. This is real – this is what I've waited for. Hearing him tell me for the first time that he loved me was one of the best moments of my life. I was so surprised to hear it, so moved, that I teared up. "Jackie, I love you. Of course I do..." I croaked in return; because of course I loved him. I had known it since my trip to Chicago in March. It was so undeniably real, I could feel it with every fiber of my being. We kissed again and again, until I was too exhausted to go on; we fell asleep there, as close as we could physically be.
Yet in my sleep, my conscience made my life hell, throwing Jack and Matt's faces before me all night long. I woke up in Jack's arms, but I didn't feel as though I'd rested well. He even commented on it, saying I'd been restless in my sleep. I used a white lie, telling him I couldn't remember and that I felt fine. I went down on him then, and the subject was not revisited.
That day, Saturday, was great. The weather was perfect – low humidity, by Texas standards at least; Mike later told me different – and we went window shopping in the morning, canoeing in the afternoon; and then when we'd returned to my house, Jack turned me into a human baklava buffet. When he tied my hands with the long silk scarf and fucked me with a dildo, I felt stripped bare and completely possessed by him. I'd never done anything like that before and it was amazing. I felt completely boneless after I came; he was the one to clean me up, straighten the bed, and tuck me in, and it was then that I felt a twinge of guilt. I knew how deeply he felt; I knew he deserved to be loved completely, not to be with someone whose affections had become divided...and yet I could not bring myself to give him up.
Jack's questions that night, over dinner and before we went out, about the other gay counselors at the camp put me on the defensive. I could tell he was feeling a little insecure about it, and I should have been able to just calm his fears...if only there was no validity to them. With my guilty conscience, it felt like the Spanish Inquisition. I snapped at him, hurting his feelings and making an already uncomfortable situation even worse. Even though I apologized, I could tell he was very hurt. When we got to Charlie's and he pulled Mike close for a long hug, I heard Mike ask if he was okay. I felt simply awful. I knew we'd have to discuss it, and a face-to-face discussion would be far preferable to something over the phone; I promised him we'd talk about it the next day.
Throughout the evening that followed, I tried my best to make it up to him, relaxing and enjoying the night. I chatted with Mike, whom I found I really did like. It was clear that he and Jack had become very good friends. That fact alone made me grateful, as it was reassuring to know that Jack had a good friend in Chicago. I enjoyed reliving with Jack the night we met; it reminded me of how much simpler things were then, when I was naïve and inexperienced and simply wanted to dance near the most beautiful man I'd ever seen close up. Remembering how Jack took me to his hotel that night and then came back to find me again the next night was another moment of clarity for me – something along the lines of meant to be.
After we went to the Oilcan and Mike disappeared with his mystery man, Jack was all mine; and dancing with him, grinding against him, there at the club, was so fucking arousing – I was almost more turned on than I could stand. When we got home and he agreed to my request to top him, sinking inside him was heaven. He reminded me that he only did this for me, and god, I knew that already; knew I wouldn't top anyone else either. The closeness between us when we did it, was ours alone.
Of course, the conversation we had to have the next morning was...well, it was difficult. Even when Jack inferred that he wanted to commit to an exclusive relationship, I told him honestly that I didn't think it was right for us, not right now. Not enough had changed in our circumstances; or, not enough of the right things had changed. We were still too far apart, and he had all but turned down my offer to come to Chicago for the summer. I didn't want to set either of us up with unreasonable expectations, rules that would hurt us both if one of us couldn't live up to them. I didn't want anything to become a deal-breaker between us. I held hope that it would happen eventually, but didn't believe the time had come yet.
On the other hand, he had referred to himself as my boyfriend, and that had been a surprise as well. As we talked I expressed to him my frustration that we still weren't having real conversations, about the important things in life; and he acknowledged this. For my part I admitted my own fault in the lack of information exchange, and promised him I'd strive to improve. Almost immediately, Jack tested that promise by asking me about my coworkers – why I'd become so defensive, and whether I'd slept with someone there.
I nodded. "Yes."
"Oh."
"Yeah." From my experience finding out about him and Karl, I was all too familiar with the sting associated with the revelation. I started to apologize when he cut me off, telling me it was "fine".
"It's not fine," I told him. "Nothing that hurts you is fine. And I am sorry you're hurt; I never wanted that to happen."
For one long, horrible minute, I was truly concerned that he might not agree to continue our agreement; I could sympathize with how he must have felt in March when I was considering my decision on the matter. Finally he answered. "I told you in March that I don't want to lose you, Jacey." He reached out for my hand, adding, "You can add that to your list of things that haven't changed."
We promised each other that we would communicate, by whatever means we could, and tell each other when something needed to be said. In the back of my mind I had a nagging little voice whispering Matt's name to me as something I should be telling Jack about; but I silenced it, telling myself that I had already admitted to sleeping with a coworker, and that I could keep that relationship strictly casual. I had to, because I loved Jack; and Jack loved me.
The afternoon – going to Laguna Gloria, walking the grounds and ending up at the Temple of Love – was about the most perfect afternoon of my life. The rain didn't even bother me; quite the opposite, it was such a welcome event after the drought that walking in it was a pleasure. The couple we met, Zach and Chris, put all kinds of ideas into my head about my own future with Jack; made me think how spectacular it would be to have a wedding ceremony here at dusk, with candles winking and blinking all around, lanterns hanging from the trees...and, most importantly, committing never to be apart from Jack again, for the rest of my life. My brain went into overdrive at the thought of it.
Before he took me back to camp the next day, I showed him some of the area to the northwest of the city, and lured him out into the woods for some outdoor loving. It didn't take much to reassure him that we were very unlikely to be discovered; and soon we were wrapped up in each other, our final lovemaking bittersweet because of our impending separation. When he pointed out that we were probably at the best place to say our real goodbyes, I felt myself slipping into despondency, even despite his promise that we'd see each other again July 2nd. During the car ride back to camp, I struggled to keep my emotions under control, and when Jack dropped me in the parking lot I had to keep it as quick as possible so I didn't lose it.
Watching him drive away, I realized Matt was standing near the entrance to the parking lot; far from me, but he'd have a close look at Jack when he drove past. When the rental car disappeared into the trees, Matt turned and looked at me. From so far away I couldn't make out his expression; but I didn't have the emotional strength to figure it out then. Like a coward, I hoisted my backpack over my shoulder and fled to my cabin. I didn't attend the bonfire that night, though people came to my door three times to make sure I knew it was on. I ate in my cabin and only emerged when I needed to use the washroom facilities. And if my eyes were suspiciously red-rimmed all evening, it was nobody's business why.
-o-
Jack made good on his promise to keep in touch, and we talked every night that week. He was so loving and sweet, entirely different from the reserved man so many people saw. I stayed in my cabin in the evening after supper, waiting for his calls and stretching them out as long as I could.
Wednesday night, my supervisor came to my cabin and asked me if I was okay; if whatever had happened between Matt and me was having a profound effect on me. I was stumped until I realized everyone thought Matt was my boyfriend; and that made me feel worse. I told Judith the truth: that my boyfriend was Jack, that what Matt and I had was only casual. She looked dubious; but patted my knee and told me she hoped I'd feel better soon.
At the door to my cabin she paused and turned to me as though there was something she wanted to say. Finally I encouraged her to go ahead and say what was on her mind. She said, "It's none of my business, of course; but...I don't think Matt thinks what you have is casual; not if the expression on his face this week is anything to go by." She gave me a sympathetic, motherly look before adding, "I know you're upset; but make sure you take his feelings into account too, Jacey."
She closed the door, leaving me gaping. I'd been so much inside my own head since Jack left, that I'd completely neglected to consider how Matt was feeling. I seemed to have a boundless capacity for hurting people. I got up from where I'd been reading on my bed, intent on going to talk to him immediately; but when I reached his cabin the light was already out. Rather than wake him, I decided it could wait.
The next morning, at precisely ten-thirty, I went to the theatre arts building with a sticky bun wrapped in a napkin envelope. I entered from the back of the auditorium. The house lights were down; Matt was on the stage alone, sitting at the desk working on some paper work. He was engrossed in his work and didn't hear me until I was just a few feet away from him. When he realized I was there, he rose to face me. His posture was mildly defensive, and his face...how could I not have seen it before? I supposed it was because I'd been avoiding eye contact with him. His face was drawn, almost haggard; he had dark circles under his eyes and looked as though he hadn't slept well in days.
"Matt," I whispered, reaching out to his face. He frowned, dropping his eyes away from me, and I pulled my hand back. "Matt, I'm so sorry."
His jaw tightened and he nodded, still looking away. "I brought a sticky bun; I thought we could share it." I watched him as he contemplated it; a muscle in his jaw flexed in and out while I waited for his answer.
Finally he conceded, "I could go for a sticky bun." He pulled a chair from the wings of the stage and brought it to the desk for me to sit at. I split the bun down the middle and we each took half, eating in silence.
When we had finished and wiped our hands clean – licking our fingers got us in too much trouble – I asked him quietly, "Are you okay?"
He shook his head tightly. "Are you?"
I sighed. "Honestly? No."
"For a different reason," he said.
"Pardon?"
He clarified, "The reason you're not okay is because of him, right? It's not because of me."
I wanted to tell him honestly that it was because of both of them. Yes, I missed Jack tremendously; but seeing Matt this week had been more difficult than I could have imagined. I avoided him because I didn't trust myself; I'd promised I would keep it casual but now I didn't know if I carry on a casual relationship with him.
I wanted to tell him I was falling for him.
I didn't; instead, I told him I missed Jack. I told him I was so sorry he'd been hurt; that it was never my intention to hurt him. And I told him that as lovely as it had been to be with him, I didn't think we should continue.
Those things were true. At least...I believed them at the time.
-o-
It was my last weekend before the campers arrived. It was Saturday night, and I was alone in the house. I sat on the front porch, listening and watching the thunderstorms that were moving through Austin. It had been terribly humid all week, and I hoped the storms would break the humidity for a few days. I had my sketchpad in my hand, a hurricane lamp flickering beside me, and a cup of tea. And I was fine. Doing quite fine, in fact.
Until, through the downpour, I saw someone running up the street towards my house. They didn't continue past - rather, they came through my front gate and leapt up the stairs to my front porch, immediately moving to kneel in front of me. In the faint flickering light of the candle that burned in the hurricane lamp, I saw with surprise that my visitor was Matt.
He was dripping wet, of course; and he was fortunate he hadn't been struck by lightning in the storm. I was wondering idly how far away he'd parked when he interrupted my thoughts by blurting, "I think you were lying to me."
It took me only a second to become indignant at his accusation. "What?" I said, starting up.
"And maybe you're lying to yourself, too," he continued as though I hadn't said a thing; he stood with me. "One way or the other, you're not doing either of us any favors. I think you do have feelings for me. I think you do, and I think you're so freaked out by them that you're lying to me about them."
I sputtered in protest, but he wasn't having it. "All I want is the truth, Jacey," he said. "Please, just be honest with me and with yourself. If you can do that, and still tell me you don't want me, I'll walk away right now and I'll never bring it up again. But in case there's any doubt, I need you to know that I have fallen for you; I want to be with you."
We stood facing each other, almost squaring off on the porch as the rain poured and the storm went on around us. For one very long moment I vacillated between my options...
...and the next moment I was in his arms, my hands in his dripping wet hair, our mouths everywhere. I had tried – fuck, I tried so hard – but I could not wage the war against my feelings. He stayed that night and we made love several times over the course of the night; we just couldn't get enough of each other. All the time I'd spent trying to deny how I felt – it was useless. The next night, our first night back at camp, we sat together at the bonfire. Matt sat against the old maple tree stump that was near the fire pit and I sat between his legs, leaning against his chest as I played my guitar. Matt would occasionally pull my long hair to one side and kiss my neck. I saw Judith looking curiously at us; I ignored her looks. I didn't want to explain to anyone. This belonged to me.
That night was the last night before the campers came back. Matt and I made a show of kissing goodnight at my door; but when our coworkers had all made their way to bed, Matt tiptoed across the grass to my cabin and we made love one last time. We knew we wouldn't be able to really be together again for a week and a half – neither of us would even consider something so foolish while the campers were in our care. Being with him in my narrow little bunk, being as silent as we could...it was somehow sweet, like being in your parents' home and hoping you didn't get caught.
The campers arrived the next day, and as I'd mentioned to Matt, some of my boys from the year before were in his cabin. I had an entirely new crop, of course; and I noticed that the packages of tissues I left on their pillows were put to good use by one or two of them. The first group was a really good group of kids. They seemed very young; but they were polite to me, and kind and inclusive with each other. They participated well in cabin activities and I had a couple of them in the visual arts building.
In the afternoons, my guys had swimming at 2 pm, and it was pure coincidence that Matt's group had the same hour. We had epic chicken fights between the first year kids and the second years; played water volleyball, and generally had a blast for that hour each day. Matt and I were careful in the presence of the kids, not to be more physically demonstrative than any of the other counsellors would be with each other; but every night after lights out, we both slipped out for no more than thirty seconds, meeting between our cabins for a quick goodnight kiss.
And every night, after kissing Matt goodnight, I'd log into my email to see that Jack had unfailingly sent me a message – a sweet, chatty, stream-of-consciousness accounting of his day, or something he wanted to show me when we went to Seattle. I would reply with a few sentences of my own, and always signed it with love...but in my heart, I was feeling farther from Jack than ever. I loved him, of that I had no doubt; but was it enough to defeat the challenges that seemed to be continually thrown in our path? I knew I was already breaking faith with him on what we'd promised to do – to talk to each other instead of letting issues fester unaddressed. I knew I could have taken that two hours I had off every other night and called Jack; I hadn't even told him I had the time off. I knew he would have been thrilled to hear from me. And yet I didn't; I continued to pull away from dealing with the hard topics.
Counsellors had two hours off, every other evening from 9 pm to 11 pm; if it wasn't my night to be off, I covered my own cabin and the other cabin with first-year boys while Tyler, my counterpart from that cabin, had his break. On my night off, Tyler covered my boys. Matt and I weren't scheduled to have the same nights off, but he traded with Geoff, his counterpart; and it gave us those two hours together every two days, for us to do with as we wished. The first night we went for a swim and then joined our friends in the dining hall where they had a game of cards going. The next night we had off, he and I went to the theatre arts building by ourselves and stretched out on some of the stunt mats and just talked quietly.
When our two hours was nearly up, Matt pulled me up off the mats and caught me in his arms. He kissed me tenderly, and then he whispered, "I love you."
It should have been a perfect moment, the first time he told me he loved me. I felt a rush of pleasure, but it was tinged with bitter guilt and pain. I didn't know what to say to him.
"You don't have to say it back," he told me in an undertone. "I understand if you're not ready. But I am." He smiled and kissed me again; when I buried my face in his chest he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close.
Over the next few days it became harder and harder to reply to Jack's daily emails. He was looking forward to my weekend off when he'd be able to talk to me for hours; Matt was looking forward to our weekend off when we'd be able to spend our time together. And me? I was feeling as though I was being pulled from both sides; and a fault line was developing right down the middle of my heart. Monday night I didn't have it in me to reply to Jack. It was cowardly, and I knew it. I was definitely not displaying exemplary human being traits.
Tuesday was another night off, and that night when Matt and I made our way to the auditorium for a couple hours of quiet, I could tell something was on his mind. Several times he tried to speak, and each time he would walk away, across the stage, to collect his thoughts before returning. Finally, on the third attempt, he was successful.
"Jacey...I can see you've been struggling the last couple of weeks; and perhaps more so since Friday? Am I right?" He put his finger under my chin and tilted my head up so he could look in my eyes. I didn't reply, but he continued, "I think I'm right." He was; I was easy enough to read that he could see it. "Jacey, I love you; you know that. It's killing me to watch you try to be two different people, one person for me and a different one for him. I just want you to be you – the sweet, talented, gorgeous Jacey I've come to know here over the last six weeks."
I hung my head and pressed my forehead into his chest. He bent to kiss the top of my head, and whispered in my ear, "I know you love him, Jacey. I have never said a word against him, because I knew it would hurt you; even when you told me his reason for why you shouldn't move to Chicago for the summer, I kept my mouth shut." I looked up at him, curious as to where he was going with this. "I'm not keeping my mouth shut anymore. I'm sure he's a good person – you wouldn't love someone who wasn't – but is he the right person for you? Can it be right for you to be so torn all the time? To be so far away from the person you love?"
I felt tears well in my eyes at his gentle but firm words. He brushed away the ones that spilled over, and said, "I want you – only you, and all of you. I love you and I don't want to share. I'm here, Jacey - I'm where you are. So I'm asking you to be my boyfriend. Choose me. Please." He kissed me softly.
I was stunned by his request; he was asking me to be exclusive with him. I didn't know what to say.
"Give me a couple of days," I murmured. "I just...I need to think."
"Of course," he replied gently. "I wouldn't ask you to make that kind of decision right away. If I was in his shoes, I would hope you'd give it careful consideration."
Again silent tears found their way down my cheeks as his words drove home the full meaning of his request. He wasn't only asking me to be his boyfriend – he was asking me to end things with Jack.
He took my hand and drew me to the thick mats, guiding me to lie down with him. He held me in his arms as my mind whirled, trying to comprehend all the possibilities. For nearly the rest of our two hours we lay together, not speaking. When we had about ten minutes left he kissed my forehead.
"We should head back soon," he murmured. I nodded into his chest and together we sat up. He stood first, pulling me up to join him, and turned to head to the exit.
"Wait," I said, tugging his hand to stop him. He looked curiously at me. "Two things. The first...if I said no...where would that leave you and I?" I was sure I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear it.
He looked away, and for the first time since I'd acknowledged my feelings for him, I saw his confidence falter. "I don't want to share you," he replied quietly. "I can't stay in this suspended animation where we're sort of together but you're not officially my boyfriend." He looked pleadingly at me. "I need to move on, Jacey; either with you or without you. I really hope you'll be with me."
I nodded; it confirmed what I already knew. "The second?" he asked, looking as though he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it.
"The second is...I love you," I whispered.