Hi, everyone! Sorry for the delay. After the previous chapter, I couldn't decide where I wanted to go with this story so I took some time to really think it through and I've come to the decision that this will be the final chapter of Letters From Quinn.
I've had this chapter written since before I started the rest of the story. It will be told from Quinn's point of view - a little look through her eyes.
Thank you all so much for reading this story. All of your replies have touched my heart and it makes me so happy to know that my words have touched yours. Thanks for your endless patience with me as I worked through my real-life problems. I'm so sad to be wrapping Letters up but it feels right to end it here.
I love you all!
With that, I give you the last chapter. I hope you enjoy the end.
"You sure you want to do this?"
Quinn closed her eyes and nodded. When she opened them again, Puck was gazing at her with tears falling silently down his face.
"Puck," she chastised gently. "We said no tears."
"Fuck that!" he said stubbornly, wiping his eyes as more tears continued to fall.
Quinn smiled sadly and shook her head. She held out her hand to him.
"Come here."
Puck walked over and sat down on the small hospital bed with a heavy sigh.
"I don't know if I can do this, baby mama."
She reached over and smacked his head, earning a scowl from him.
"You can do this, and you will not call me that! Not even on my deathbed."
She spoke the words playfully but regretted them as soon as Puck's face collapsed and his eyes filled with tears. She opened her mouth to apologize but Puck reached out and took her hand in his own, gripping it tightly.
"You know if it was anyone else who had asked me to do this, I would've said hell no and laughed in their face."
"I know," Quinn murmured quietly, nodding because she did know.
"But it's not anyone," he said. "It's you."
"It's me."
"I mean Christ, Q. They have no idea what's coming."
"I know."
"You could always just tell them now," he said, and she could hear the desperate plea in his hesitant voice. "They would come. You know they would. There's still time."
But she shook her head.
"I can't, Puck. You know I can't. That's why-"
She broke off and gestured around her at the countless stacks of letters, all addressed and organized in true Fabray fashion – she could thank her mother for those skills.
Puck sighed.
"You're sure?" he asked one more time.
Tears filled Quinn's hazel eyes but she didn't hesitate.
"I'm sure."
Puck brushed away her tears and kissed her forehead.
"Okay."
Quinn closed her eyes at the sensation of his touch and swallowed hard before she answered him.
"Thank you, Noah."
Puck drew back, his eyes wide.
"You've never called me Noah before."
She shrugged, "Better late than never, right?"
She watched as he squeezed his eyes shut, no doubt to cover up more tears. When he opened them again, Quinn smiled at him and the sadness written on his face broke her heart.
Her forever boyfriend.
"I love you, Noah Puckerman."
"Back atcha, babe."
Of all the letters, one of the hardest to write had been the first one to Santana.
As Quinn stared at the blank paper in front of her, black pen poised in her hand and ready to write, she found herself at a loss of words.
How does one say goodbye to their best friend in the entire world?
What does one say?
She closed her eyes and pictured Santana finding out about her death. She imagined her dark-haired best friend angrily tearing into the letter, furious that Quinn thought she had any control of her anymore.
But that was okay, because Quinn would never expect anything less from her.
Yes. That's how she would start the letter.
But what would come after that? She had so much to say.
Apologies?
Those could come next.
She had so much to apologize to Santana for.
Then what?
Beth?
She had to tell her about Beth.
But somehow jumping right into that didn't seem like the best option. She needed something that would soften the blow. Something that told Santana how thankful Quinn was for her friendship; how thankful she had always been.
Something like…a memory!
Yes, a memory could definitely work.
Quinn smiled. She knew exactly which memory to describe.
Okay.
Intro, apologies, first-day-they-met memory.
It was like organizing an essay. Good thing she loved to write.
Now that she had cleared the path for Beth, she could-
No, wait!
Brittany.
She had to mention Brittany.
Okay. Next would be a reassurance that Brittany would take care of Santana; that the smiley blonde would be there for her no matter what. Santana needed to know that just because she was losing Quinn didn't mean she would be alone.
So Brittany first.
Then Beth.
Quinn reached into a box and pulled out the picture that Mercedes had taken of her and Beth, just after Quinn had given birth to the little girl.
She gazed down at her own smiling face before shifting her eyes to the sweet little pink bundle in her arms. Beth's tiny face remained the most incredibly thing she had ever seen. It had been one of the happiest moments of her life.
Right before it had turned into one of the saddest.
Quinn closed her eyes to stop the tears.
She kissed the picture and placed it in a small white envelope that would easily fit into the larger one that the letter was going in.
After writing about Beth, Quinn knew that she would have to end the letter. Santana would only be able to handle so much emotion before completely losing it.
Quickly, a request for Santana to help take care of Beth.
Then the first quote.
Finding new ways to hurt each other is what we're good at.
It matched them perfectly. Because yes, they were best friends. But the two of them had also gone through a lot of heartache. They fought viciously and things had been said that could never be taken back. There was once a time in her life that Quinn had purposefully set out to hurt Santana, and she knew that Santana had experienced similar feelings.
Which brought her to the second quote.
Because once upon a time, we were best friends. And, yes, there's a lot of bad stuff in between. But none of that matters right now, okay? You need me, I'm there. Any time, any place, anywhere.
It was them.
Quinn picked up her pen again and spoke aloud to the quiet surroundings of her hospital room.
"I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for leaving you, San."
And she began to write.
Brittany's first letter had been almost frighteningly easy to write. But of course, Quinn shouldn't have been surprised – Brittany was the easiest person in the world to talk to.
She always had been.
The thing that Quinn loved most about Brittany was that her almost-twin had nothing to hide. She laid everything out on the table and didn't apologize for being who she was. Quinn had spent countless afternoons and nights with Brittany throughout their friendship, daydreaming and cloud-watching and enjoying the simplicity of life.
She needed Brittany to understand how much joy she had brought to Quinn, which is why she knew exactly how to start Brittany's letter.
The memory of that day in third grade remained one that Quinn held incredibly close to her heart, and it was the perfect way to express how thankful she was for Brittany and her friendship.
Next, she would have to mention Santana.
Quinn knew without a doubt in the world that Brittany would love and take care of their best friend for the rest of her life. She knew that Brittany was the one person who loved Santana just as much as she did. Santana and Brittany would be together forever and that knowledge made Quinn's heart ache with happiness and relief.
Still, though – she had to ask Brittany to take care of her anyways.
Semantics.
A request for Brittany to take care of Beth and give the little girl dance lessons would come next. She wouldn't have to explain the Beth situation to the blonde, because the blonde already knew.
How? She had no idea.
Brittany just knew things.
Which would lead her to the next part of the letter.
Rachel.
Yes; Quinn had chosen Brittany long ago as the person she would share that secret with. One, because she had a feeling that Brittany already knew. Two, Brittany would accept the fact completely and without judgment.
She would understand why Quinn and Rachel hadn't told anyone about their relationship.
That's why Quinn was telling Brittany.
Brittany could tell everyone else.
Wait!
Puck.
She had to ask Brittany to take care of Puck, too.
God, she was so worried about him.
No problem. She could slip him in right before Rachel.
And that's where she would end it. She would sign off with her love for Brittany and she knew that it would be enough for the blonde.
Brittany had never failed to reassure Quinn that she, just being herself, was enough.
Quinn grabbed her pen and smiled.
Writing Rachel's first letter was hard; almost as hard as writing Santana's.
She knew exactly what she had to say.
But that didn't make it any easier.
There was nothing easy about admitting her troubled past with her abusive father. It brought back awful, torturous memories that were so bad that Quinn almost gave up on writing them down.
But this was Rachel she was spilling her heart out to, and that made it better.
Rachel would understand.
She deserved to know the truth behind why Quinn had bullied her for so long.
Rachel also deserved to know that she was the reason Quinn had survived giving up Beth.
Quinn needed Rachel to know how much she meant to her, and how often she still thought about their stint of love. She needed Rachel to understand how close Quinn had come to doing something stupid before that day in the bathroom.
She needed to thank Rachel for saving her from herself.
But that part would be easy.
A brief paragraph about Beth would close the letter. A request that Rachel teach the little girl how to sing like her, and then Quinn would tell her how much she loved her.
How much she had always and would always love her.
And finally, the picture.
Quinn looked at the beautiful photograph that Rachel's father had taken of the two of them all those years ago. She looked into her own face, looking down at Rachel's face.
And then the quote.
Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.
Rachel had found her.
She was rare, beautiful, perfect.
Just like their love.
Writing to Puck was sad.
Easy, but sad.
She knew exactly what she wanted to say to him. It was short, sweet, and to the point. It was simple because Puck needed simplicity.
Quinn started the letter with a quote.
Quotes were kind of her thing.
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
Her main goal in writing to Puck was to let him know that despite the way she had treated him for so long, she did not regret anything that had happened between them.
How could she?
He had helped her make Beth.
She and Puck had been so angry with each other for such a long time after Quinn got pregnant. They had hurt each other in the worst possible way and it wasn't until after Beth was born that they truly began to heal their relationship.
Rachel had saved her.
But Puck had been there since day one.
Always picking her up when she fell. Never letting her sink. Pushing her to believe in herself and telling her constantly that he loved her.
Puck wasn't perfect. But he had tried his best to be perfect for her.
Quinn had to make him understand how thankful she was for him. He had done so much for her, and no words would ever be enough.
She was his girl and they should have had forever together.
"I hope reading this brings you some peace of mind, Puck," Quinn murmured, gazing at the sleeping boy in the small chair next to her hospital bed. His face was untroubled as he slept, with no trace of the sadness that he now carried permanently in his sweet brown eyes.
Looking at him made her heart ache.
"I love you, Noah," she whispered. "I'm sorry."
Beth's first letter, like Puck's, was easy to write but left her with a crushing sadness in her heart. It was all she could do to not break down and start crying.
Quinn didn't allow herself to cry, because she was afraid that once she started, she would never be able to stop.
But more so than writing to anyone else, writing to Beth almost made her break the no-crying rule.
Quinn had been so scared when she first found out that she was pregnant. Scared, bitter, angry, resentful, sad…her initial reaction been to run away, because surely that would be better than facing the consequences of being 15 and pregnant, especially once her father found out.
But standing on her front porch, bracing herself for the shit storm that was about to rain down on her, 15 year-old Quinn had stared down at her belly and suddenly, it hit her out of nowhere that there was a baby inside of her.
A little human.
And suddenly, Quinn had been filled with the vision of miniature version of herself running around, laughing. The vision changed and it was a tiny Puck instead, throwing a football that was too big for his little hands to properly grasp.
In that instant, it wasn't just a baby inside of her.
It was her baby.
And that's when Quinn knew that whatever happened, it would be worth it if it meant that her baby would be okay.
Giving up Beth had been the most painful experience in her entire life. More painful than any fight with Santana or Puck. More painful than anything her father had ever said to her. More painful than breaking up with Rachel.
But the pain had been worth it, because Beth was alive. She was alive and happy and looked so much like Quinn and Puck that it made Quinn's heart stop beating.
She was their perfect thing and her life would be filled with happiness and love.
That's all Quinn had ever wanted for her baby girl; that's all any mother ever wants for their child.
Beth deserved to know that.
On the day that Quinn died, Quinn knew it was happening.
When she woke up that morning, barely able to move without feeling an excruciating pain shoot through her body, something in her knew that her time was up.
Wincing, she pushed herself up into a sitting position and pressed the button next to her bed that would call in a nurse. 30 seconds later, the nurse on duty poked her head into Quinn's room with a concerned expression on her kind face.
"Everything alright, Miss Fabray?"
She attempted a smile. "Can you send in Doctor Redding for me?"
"Sure thing."
A few minutes passed and Quinn took the opportunity to close her eyes and breathe.
Don't lose it, she told herself. Keep it together.
"Quinn?"
She opened her eyes and found her doctor gazing at her with worried eyes. She looked at him, really looked, and she saw that he understood immediately.
The older man took a seat on the side of her bed and took one of her hands.
"Can't hold on any longer?" he asked gently, and she shook her head, tears falling from her hazel eyes.
"I feel so…" Even talking caused her pain. "I'm so sick of being sick. Everything hurts, Doc," she whispered.
"I know it does. Do you want anything?"
She knew he was referring to pain medication but she shook her head.
"Time's almost up. What's the point?" she choked out before a horrible coughing fit seized her lungs. The doctor rubbed circles against her back until she regained control of her breathing.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked her.
"Puck," she murmured weakly, forcing her fluttering eyes to stay open. "He's here. I forced him to go downstairs and get some food for himself. Can you…I think he knows it might be happening today, too, but can you soften the blow?"
"Of course. I'll send him in as soon as I find him."
Quinn watched him walk towards the door and stop just before he reached it. He turned back to face her, his soft blue eyes sparkling with sadness.
"You are an incredible young woman, Quinn Fabray," he said. "I've watched you pour over these letters to your loved ones for months now, despite the physical and emotional pain that you're suffering and it's the most touching thing I have ever had the privilege to see. It's been…hard, to say the least, to know that there's nothing else I can do for you. But I can see that you're ready to go and I just wanted to say how truly sorry I am that I couldn't help you more."
Her kind, sweet doctor. Just another person to add to her list of goodbyes.
"You have done more for me than you know, Doc," she told him. "You put up with Puck's constant presence here. You allowed Beth to see me whenever it worked for her, no matter when visiting hours were. You gave me just enough time to get all of this," she indicated the letters, "done. I am so grateful to have had you as my doctor."
"It has been an absolute pleasure, Quinn. I'll send in your boy."
With that, he slipped out of the room and Quinn closed her eyes, a deep sense of grief settling itself in her heart.
Five minutes later, she opened her eyes to the sound of her door opening.
Puck.
He walked into the room and gazed at her and Quinn felt her heart shatter at the look in his eyes.
"Hi,'' she said softly.
Without a word, Puck pulled up a chair and moved it as close to her bed as he could. He sat down and very gently took her hands into his.
Quinn gazed into his tear-filled eyes and reached out, affectionately running her fingers through his dark brown hair that Beth had inherited from him.
"Don't cry," she murmured.
"I don't know how to stop," Puck choked out.
"Look at me."
He lifted his head and the sight of his handsome, heartbroken face knocked the breath out of Quinn's lungs.
"Thank you so much for everything, Puck," she said, feeling her body grow weaker with every word that she forced out. "The letters. Beth. Loving me. Thank you for all of it. I owe you so much and forever and listen to me. You're going to be okay. I promise."
He shook his head. "How can I be okay without you?"
Her forever. He was everything she had ever wanted.
She smiled tremulously at him. "You'll never be completely without me, sweetheart. You may not be able to see me physically but I will always, always be looking down and you and smiling. You are everything I could have asked for, Noah Puckerman. Keep that knowledge close to your heart."
She could feel her breathing growing more rapid and shallow by the second. As she struggled to suck air into her lungs, she saw panic flare in Puck's eyes.
"No, Q. Stay with me. Please don't leave me," he begged.
"Come here," she whispered. He leaned closer to her and she pressed a kiss to his trembling lips as she felt her world start to go dark. "I love you."
She leaned back onto her pillows and felt her eyes began to close against her will.
"Quinn, no!" she heard Puck yell, his voice far away. "No! No, damn it! Stay with me, Q! Please don't go. Please don't die, Quinn, please don't die, please."
His sobs were the last thing Quinn heard as she faded away into the darkness.
Then, everything was quiet.
Quinn sat on the edge of the grassy cliff, her legs dangling as she watched the sun start to set over the ocean. It was a breathtaking sight but she couldn't fully focus on it; she was too crushed with sadness and too plagued with worry to focus on anything, really. It was a feeling that had been with her since arriving.
Slowly, the sky began to explode into varied shades of pink and purple, orange and red, and the ocean glowed as it reflected the golden rays of the sinking sun. As she took in the beauty of it, Quinn felt someone sit down beside her.
He didn't push her to talk, or even say hello. He knew how she felt; he had been keeping a close eye on her since her arrival. He simply sat next to her and looked out at the horizon, a content look on his handsome face.
Finally, she spoke.
"Do you think they'll be okay?" she asked anxiously, desperately, running a hand through her short blonde hair.
Finn gazed down at her and smiled. "Yeah, Q," he said honestly. Years of knowing her had clued him in to how worried she truly was about the people she had been forced to leave behind.
"I'm so scared, Finn."
"I know you are."
"I should have done more."
"You left them everything you could and gave them what they need to keep going."
She let his words wash over her for several moments.
"You really think so?" she asked.
"I really do."
"You think they'll be alright?"
"I think they'll be just fine. You'll see."
He put his arm around her and Quinn leaned her head against his strong shoulder, letting out a sigh. He pressed a kiss to her forehead as they watched the sunset together.
Finn was right. They would be okay.
She closed her eyes and smiled.