Joe's Note: I had a lot of fun doing 'Girl Talk' way back in the day, and the addition of Satine to the Expanded Universe - or at least the portion that I was aware of - just made me want to do a sequel. This chapter will also see the return of everyone's favorite Mirialan Jedi Knight, who got a mention last chapter but who hasn't been seen since 'Bright Light! Bright Light!'. From here, we'll make our way to Cartao and then Kamino for two different cloning-related stories, before wrapping up the first chapter of Cordelia's story with a visit to Dathomir. Can't wait. Lots of exciting things coming.
Dedications & Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, DireSquirrel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Thyatira, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

"I'm just saying, two out of the three of us are fucking Jedi and nobody's gone to the dark side yet." Pausing, Cordelia thought for a moment before deciding that wasn't as clear as it possibly could have been. "Well, I'm the only fucking Jedi here. Let's go with… two of us are having sex with Jedi. One of us considerably more so than the other but from what I've heard about Anakin, that might not be a bad thing for Padmé…"

Even as Padmé sputtered indignantly and Satine treated the plant beside her to a fine mist of red wine, the sound of someone clearing their throat made Cordelia look over at the doorway. Leaning back against the wall, Barriss stood with one hand outstretched, the hilt of her lightsaber spinning lazily a few inches above her palm. "I can't help but notice that you're completely ignoring the existence of a fourth person in this room. What am I, chopped nerf?"

Cordelia's lips curved upward in a wicked smile, making Barriss's indignant expression shift to something a good deal more uncertain even as the brunette shook her head before turning to look in Padmé's direction. "Nope. You're the one who warned the rest of us in the Temple about Anakin's bedroom shortcomings so we didn't have to find out firsthand like you did."

"…there are not words to express the depth of my loathing for you, Cordelia."

"You slept with my husband?!"

Before Padmé could actually launch into a proper interrogation of the exasperated-looking Mirialan, Satine held her hand up to forestall the queen-turned-senator before turning to C-3PO. "I'm going to need considerably more wine in me if I'm to be hearing about the sex life of Obi-Wan's padawan."

Cordelia waited patiently as the protocol droid refilled Satine's glass and the Mandalorian made shushing noises in Padmé's direction, holding off until the lip of the glass touched Satine's lips before speaking again. "Obi-Wan's padawan? Do you know something I don't about Dien'vi? Because Hiskari and I tried to climb that mountain; I'm pretty sure it's impassable." Satine twitched but managed to finish taking a sip of her wine, eyeing Cordelia balefully as she slowly and methodically swallowed it. "Damn it, I was hoping that would get another spit-take out of you. I'm aiming for at least three by the time I leave tonight."

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Satine took another sip of her wine, savoring it for a few seconds before swallowing it and continuing. "I would actually be more amenable to hearing about Dien'vi's misadventures than Anakin's, to be honest. While I don't agree with their decisions, I do respect my forefathers and that girl exemplifies what the Mandalorians of old stood for."

While most people would have taken that statement at face value, Cordelia wasn't most people. As Satine continued to sip at her wine, the brunette bided her time… and then struck. "Oh really? Am I trying to hook you up with the wrong Jedi then? Not that I'd blame you; there's just something about Dien'vi that screams 'sit on my face, Mistress'." And… jackpot! Padmé's poor plant got treated to its second watering in the span of several minutes, some of the wine going down the wrong pipe in the process and reducing Satine to a coughing, watery-eyed mess. "Long live the queen."

Scooting her way across the couch, Padmé rolled her eyes as she patted the wheezing Satine on the back. "Yes, yes, we get it. You excel at shocking people. Would anyone mind if we got back to the matter at hand? Knight Offee, you had sex with my-"

Barriss pushed off the wall with a sigh, capturing her spinning saber and hooking it to her armor's utility belt as she made her way over to where the other three women were sitting. "Unlike Cordelia… and Anakin evidently? Some of us actually obey the Order's prohibition on attachment. With that said, we're not required to be celibate and seeing as how padawans are teenagers and young adults who spend large amounts of time together with minimal supervision? Most of us experiment at a minimum. And so yes, I slept with Anakin several years ago. A mistake that Cordelia has yet to let me forget." Perching on the arm of Cordelia's chair, Barriss glanced down at the brunette and offered a faint smirk before looking back up at Padmé. "I find myself morbidly curious… has he become any less selfish of a lover since then?"

As Satine snatched the bottle of wine out of C-3PO's hands and began guzzling desperately from it, Padmé stared off into space for a few seconds before shooting an unhappy look in the Mirialan's direction. "While I don't have terribly much experience to compare him to? No. No, he has not."

"By the stars!" Belching loudly, Satine looked around wildly before pointing past Padmé's protocol droid to the wet bar set against the wall between the living room's two west-facing windows. "Droid, would you be so kind as to bring me that bottle of Corellian whiskey?" As C-3PO shuffled off to accede to her request, Satine whirled around and jabbed Padmé in the chest, cutting off the younger woman's complaint. "Yes, I know how much that bottle cost. I also know that I need its contents desperately at this particular moment. Maybe you should have thought of that before allowing yourself to descend to their level."

Watching Padmé and Satine descend into childish bickering, Cordelia grinned widely. Everything was proceeding as she had foreseen it…

"…and he looks me right in the eye and says 'Had you said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order'. As if it's my fault that he lacked the conviction to go after what he wanted!" Sprawled on the floor between Cordelia's legs with her head resting against the edge of the chair's cushion, Satine scoffed and attempted to gesture with her empty snifter only to have it slip from her fingers and tumble to the thankfully carpeted floor with a dull thump. "I'm the ruler of an entire people, and speak for thousands of systems and trillions of sapients. He could live like a… well, a duke by my side. If only he had the courage to walk away from his precious Order."

Cordelia chuckled softly as she separated another section of Satine's hair and began working on another braid, slowly but surely replicating the hairstyle she'd often helped Aura with before cheerleading competitions. Thicker than true micro braids and looser than cornrows - and less culturally appropriative to boot - she felt that it'd be a good look for Satine while still offering some options in terms of what her final look would be on any given day. "I've seen a lot in my life. Three dimensions, two galaxies, and dozens of different worlds. One and only one thing has remained constant this entire time: men are idiots."

A vaguely affirmative noise came from where Barriss was laying in front of Padmé's couch, the Mirialan making energetic gestures with her hands as she juggled fruit with the Force. Whoever had declared that Jedi were harder to get drunk than mere mortals had obviously never heard of Corellian whiskey. Also, while Alanis Morissette had thoroughly destroyed her ability to distinguish what was and was not in fact irony… Cordelia was pretty sure that it was legitimately ironic that Barriss could use the Force to remove poison from a patient but couldn't keep herself from getting drunk. For all of their safety, the woman's lightsaber was tucked away safely in Cordelia's purse, a decision that the brunette had made after Barriss had attempted to reenact something from the Battle of Geonosis only to end up destroying one of Padmé's end tables. Padmé herself… had apparently caught on to Cordelia's cunning plan and opted to not only stick to wine but limit her intake, leaving her far closer to sober than Cordelia would have preferred. "Is that why you chose Hiskari, then?"

"Partly. The other half being… hmm. Those handmaidens of yours." Said handmaidens were the reason that Cordelia was mostly sober but still seeing double; Sabé had returned from an errand a little while ago and opted to join her mistress on the couch to observe the proceedings. "Some of them have been with you for over a decade. Have you ever..?" Cordelia trailed off as Padmé and Sabé exchanged looks and blushed, confirming her suspicions. "Thought so. Which means you know that there are certain things that girls are better at because they're… shall we say, familiar with the territory? Well take that and then add in the fact that Hiskari can move things with her mind…"

"That part is amazing." Plucking the mostly untouched fourth glass of wine from the shocked-looking Padmé's hand, Sabé took a sip for herself before smiling impishly. "It turns out that you get to experience the most… interesting… things when you're serving as a decoy for a Republic senator."

Padmé raised an eyebrow at that before Cordelia could, eyeing her handmaiden curiously. "Is that so? And why is now the first that I'm hearing of this?"

Tugging the newest bottle of wine from where it was wedged between their bodies, Sabé topped off her pilfered glass before handing it back to Padmé. "I don't kiss and tell. Girl talk, on the other hand, is a totally different matter." Turning to Cordelia, Sabé pantomimed drinking before looking pointedly at the nearby shelf. What… oh. Cordelia made a tugging motion, summoning one of the empty glasses to her hand before sending it spinning through the air toward Sabé, the handmaiden skillfully plucking it out of the air and pouring herself some wine. "Honestly, Padmé, what sort of 'official business' did you think I was going on as you at eight o'clock in the evening? In one of your favorite corsets and that lovely red skirt that you keep trying to steal from me? At an expensive restaurant? With Master Ti?"

"You too, huh? Knew I wasn't the first time she enjoyed eating out with a cute human. Wink." Thinking back to her last… training session… with Shaak Ti, Cordelia licked her lips slowly. Granted the Togruta was being shuttled around the galaxy helping stomp out hotspots just like the other members of the High Council, but surely she could find an excuse to end up in Shaak Ti's vicinity sometime in the near future… right? "In all seriousness, I've been trying to arrange a dinner date with her for a while. Where'd you end up going?"

Her hand flashing out almost faster than Cordelia could track, Sabé stole one of the fruits that Barriss was juggling and took a bite out of it as she considered the question. "This quaint little Corellian restaurant. The ale-braised nerf steak was positively pedestrian considering the place's reputation, and my potatoes were equally uninspiring. Dessert, on the other hand, was mind-blowing." Chuckling softly, Sabé reached over to pat the dumbfounded Padmé on the shoulder. "Don't worry, she knew it was me all along so there won't be any awkwardness next time you see her. On a related note, you and 'Ani' should probably come up with some sort of signal or code phrase to confirm who he's dealing with. He swung by your office the other day while I was standing in for you and… well, he wasn't wrong when he called what he was looking for a quickie."

Cordelia's jaw dropped and there was a soft oath from Barriss as her concentration slipped, the fruit plummeting to pelt her chest and face. Brushing it all onto the floor, the Mirialan sat up to stare at Sabé in disbelief just as Padmé finally found her voice. "…what?"

Doing her best to look innocent, Sabé met Padmé's incredulous gaze and shrugged. "It's happened to me twice and Eirtaé once. Evidently we're a little too good at our job? Just out of curiosity, have you considered buying him a subscription to an erotic holovid service or two? I feel like we'd all benefit…"

"Ahem! As fascinating as Padmé's marital dysfunctions are - and by fascinating I actually mean nausea-inducing - I believe we're supposed to be talking about my love life right now? Or the complete lack thereof, thanks to Obi-Wan's devotion to the Jedi Order?" Tilting her head back, Satine peered up at Cordelia curiously. "You're quite clearly a terrible person and yet your lover was willing to risk her membership in the Order to be with you. What does that make me, if Obi-Wan won't?"

First of all, hey! She wasn't a terrible person. Horses were terrible people. She was just… more morally flexible than the average Jedi. And a lot better at being honest to people's faces. Secondly, Cordelia was pretty sure that defining one's self-worth based on male attention was the singular surest way to end up turning into Harmony. "Satine, while we don't exactly see eye-to-eye? I won't hesitate to tell you that you're an amazing woman, and a beautiful one. You may have questionable taste in stylists but at the end of the day, that poor decision doesn't make you any less beautiful as a whole. Seeing as how Hiskari seems to find strong, confident women to be an exception to her 'one-human Nautolan' thing, if you're ever in the mood? Say the word and we'll go grab a hotel room with you. Same to you, Padmé, although I'd definitely prioritize Satine over you. Sabé… you're close enough to being a hot royal so the invitation extends to you too."

"…lovely."

"I'll take it."

Cordelia waved her hands in the near-twins' direction, shushing them before returning her attention to Satine. "The point is that you're awesome. The fact that he won't make a move doesn't make you less awesome, it just means he's stupid. But since this is clearly fully requited love, just with some barriers in the way? There's something you can do about it: make… a… move. You may be a pacifist, but you're still a Mandalorian. There's a reason we picked one of your people to be the prime clone for our army. Toss that idiot you're in love with over your shoulder, carry him off somewhere private, and then fuck his brains out. If he still doesn't want to be with you after that? At least you tried."

As Satine appeared to ponder that, Padmé groaned and buried her face in her hands. "That seems like a terrible idea to me. Satine, don't listen to her."

"I'm sorry, which one of us here has the healthy relationship and which one of us has a husband who screws our stunt doubles? Seriously, it's like a terrible episode of Oprah. 'You get fucked by Anakin! And you get fucked by Anakin! You all get fucked by Anakin!' Which is why I'd never attend a taping of a talk show." Cordelia took a moment to consider what had just come out of her mouth and then eyed her glass suspiciously. When had it gotten that empty? Whatever. Moving on… "In all seriousness? I'm not doing this to be altruistic, Satine; believe it or not, I have plans for the future and some of them would be helped by you and Obi-Wan shacking up. Like, you turning him into Duke Obi-Wan Kryze of Mandalore would do a lot to advance at least two of my current schemes. So believe me when I tell you that I'm not giving you intentionally bad advice, I'm not messing with your head, and I'm not trying to set you up to fail. And if you can't? Believe that I'm being genuine, that is? Look at it this way: what have you got to lose at this point?"

Neither Satine nor Padmé had an answer to that.