Title: Of Finding Innocence
Disclaimer: Yeah, Hurricane Irene isn't bothering the actual writers.
Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.
Chapter 21:
Katherine Beckett had never been a girl to draw hearts on her notebooks. She was never one to pick at flower petals or stare dreamily out windows, wondering whether 'he loves me, or he loves me not.' She was never one to pine after men, or think about them constantly. She had never been consumed by thoughts of hands and eyes, lips and skin, blushing at the thought of nights past. She had always been above such things and looked down on them as something immature. She was an independent woman, and when she wasn't with a man, she didn't think on him often, or at least only did it privately.
But Richard Castle didn't like to be kept in a box in her head. He crawled out, exploring every part of her psyche, accosting her with smiles behind her eyes when she looked at crime scenes, reminding her of caresses as she walked down windy streets, teasing her with kisses as she sipped warm coffee. He was everywhere, and she couldn't have been more peeved by it.
"I am fully distracted and I blame you," she offered as she opened the door to the loft a week later, glancing around as she shut it and shrugged off her jacket. "It took me three tries to finish my paperwork this afternoon. Do you know how often that happens? Never."
Rick approached her, grinning as she slipped out of her shoes and met his eyes. He looked comfortable, wearing a pair of sweat pants and an old tee shirt covered by a Columbia sweatshirt. "I take it you had a dull day at the Precinct?" he asked as he reached out and hauled her into his chest, bringing his mouth down to meet hers.
Kate allowed herself the moment of pure sensation, feeling his soft, full, talented mouth moving against her own. He smelled like his aftershave and the lilac scented dryer sheets he used for Alexis' bedding and other incidental laundry. It was a bizarrely enticing scent and when they broke apart, she was happy to bury her face into his neck.
Truth be told, they hadn't had a boring day at the Precinct. The team was hot on a new Homicide and Kate had spent the better part of the morning rooting around the murder scene of a young mother, strangled, beaten and laid out on the flowery bedspread of her youngest daughter. The kids were safe—had been at school—and the father was nowhere to be found. The whole day had left her with a bitter taste and a wounded sense of wonder.
The fact that her mind had decided to overcompensate by supplying all sorts of pictures of Richard Castle, from tame and tender to undeniably hot and most assuredly bothering, had been utterly distracting. But, distracting as it was, it had only served to make the day more difficult.
"Do I need to apologize for something?"
Of course, now that she was here, her brain was simply shutting off. "Hmm?"
"You said you were distracted, and it was my fault?"
Right. "Yes," she replied, pulling back to look at him. "It's entirely your fault."
"I didn't call at all today," he defended. "I let you work, just like you told me to, and I finished my outline for the next book. What could possibly be my fault?"
Oh, this was just going to stroke his ego, wasn't it? But she was annoyed by it, so she let the words tumble free, "I can't stop thinking about your hands and your eyes and your God damned lips," she told him seriously, as though she were talking about economic statistics. "And my mind wanders and all I can see is you last night, and all of the things said hands and eyes and lips did to me, and I can't focus on anything," she finished, poking his chest.
Yep, his face split in a shit-eating grin and he laughed, loudly. "Am I supposed to be intimidated? 'Cause darling, now I just want to do more to you."
"No!" she glared. "Fix it. And don't call me darling." Of course she was being irrational. Rick was most assuredly not the person to ask to help get him out of her head. But all she wanted was to toss him down on the couch and…let her inner teenager dictate the rest of the evening. But she was an adult, with restraint and decorum and a job that couldn't be overruled by dirty thoughts.
"Damn. I kind of liked darling. And how am I supposed to fix this? You think I'm doing better?" He leaned down and grazed his lips over her pulse for a moment. "You seriously think you've got it bad? Think about being here, staring at my bed through the door to my office."
"No way," she countered, running her hands over his shoulders and neck. "If you write a sex scene, you'll sell a million more copies. If I screw up and write Rick instead of Bradley, you could end up in jail."
He laughed and brushed her nose with his. "Okay, maybe you had the harder day," he replied.
Kate let out a little sigh. All annoyance at him and herself and her filthy mind aside, she'd had a horrible day. "Yeah," she murmured, a small smile falling over her lips as he peppered her face with kisses. It was one of his signature gestures of comfort and she squeezed his neck gently in thanks.
"Bad case?" he asked, pulling back to look her over. "What can I get you? Wine, food, bath, my kid?"
"Where is Alexis?" Kate asked, noting belatedly that there was no sound coming from the room at the top of the stairs.
"She's having a sleepover with Paige tonight. But I can get her back."
Kate snorted. "No, I'm not letting you pull Alexis away from her best friend so I can have a hug."
"Will a hug from me suffice?" he asked, pulling her back into his chest and wrapping his arms around her, engulfing her in his body and his smell and the soft feeling of his lips against her forehead.
"It'll do," she mumbled into his shoulder, laughing as he gasped in mock-outrage.
"Let me get this straight then," he murmured into her ear. "My body is good enough to be a day-long distraction, but my hugs are second rate?"
"You sound like a pouting eight-year-old." He tugged her closer in response and found her earlobe, pulling it between his teeth. She laughed and sighed at once, expelling both in a breathy pant. "Yes, yes, point proven."
He chuckled and then took a step back, releasing her. "How can I help?"
Kate shook her head. "I'm good, but thank you." She was tired, but not particularly hungry. The whole day had left her a bit queasy and all she really wanted to do was curl up on the couch with him. "Wanna watch a movie or something?"
He smiled and nodded before guiding her over to the couch and lying down, beckoning her to him. She lay down and he immediately wrapped an arm over her stomach and nuzzled his face into her hair. "Rick," she said quietly.
"Yeah?"
"I can't reach the remote," she replied, extending an arm toward the coffee table, where the remote was just out of reach.
"TV's boring anyway," he chuckled, shifting her hair aside so his lips could find the curve of her throat. "M'glad you came over," he murmured against her skin as she twined her fingers through his on her stomach.
"I couldn't have stood the whining tonight on the phone if I hadn't," she replied easily, even as she sighed and angled her head away so he could reach more of her throat.
"You're a terrible liar," he replied. "I know you missed me yesterday."
"Awfully…con…confident of yourself," she managed, trying to keep up the image of being unruffled. But he was sucking on her ear in that way he knew would make her knees crumple, and she felt herself arching back into him.
"If you missed me even half as much as I missed you, then yeah, I am," he breathed against her ear. "I didn't think it was possible to want to touch you more, or see you more, or just have you here more, but I was wrong."
"It's distracting," she whispered, bringing their hands up to her chest and cradling them against her heart without really thinking about it. "The wanting."
"Extremely," he grinned into her neck.
"I would have thought it would get easier, not harder," she admitted, shifting in pleasure as he slid his leg between hers, tangling them together.
He sucked in a breath and then let it out, hot against her skin. "I have many responses to that, you know."
"Each more profane than the last, I'm sure," she laughed. "But you know what I mean."
"Sex changes things," he replied, his voice soft. "And making love changes more."
Kate tried to keep her face neutral, but the smile that spread at the words would not be contained. "You know, I've never liked the term 'making love,' much."
"Not surprising," he chuckled. "But you can't possibly call what we've done this past week 'sex.' It would be an insult to it."
"No, but 'making love,' isn't it either. Love exists without the physicality." She'd never been one to romanticize what was physical. After using what was physical to drown out what was emotional after her mother's death, and using a number of men to do it, 'making love,' had lost its charm. And she had loved Will, but the connection she'd need to use the moniker hadn't been there.
"The physicality simply releases hormones to make the love more potent, and ultimately to increase the desire to practice the physicality. Then, with the strengthened love, both Homo Sapiens are more likely to stick around to raise the product inevitably produced by the physicality," Rick expounded against her jaw as he worked a stream of kisses between the words.
Kate sucked in a breath as he found her pulse and let his words tumble through her mind. "Either you just implied that we're practicing to create a baby, or reduced sex to a purely animalistic survival tactic."
Rick's assault on her neck paused and she felt him breathing against her, obviously weighing his options. She bit her lip to contain her smile. "I don't really like either of those choices," he decided. "Well, no, that's a lie. At some point, I'd like option one, but not now."
It was Kate's turn to breathe and decide what to say. They hadn't talked kids. They were safe, and knew it, and never bothered to discuss it, largely because they were so busy being physical when alone that it didn't much matter. It was like a magnet had been unleashed that drew her to him now; it probably was the hormones, but wasn't that horribly unromantic?
"We don't have to discuss this right now," he whispered.
Kids. Children. Babies. Tiny clusters of cells that developed in your womb and made your stomach swell as they survived off of your blood until you physically squeezed them out of your body after nine months. Rick wanted to have a child with her? Where were those years of her life, again? "I…" They were probably stuck behind the lump in her throat.
"Hey, relax," he chuckled. "We haven't even slept together in your bed at your apartment yet."
"What, you want to sleep on my pathetic mattress?" she asked, happily diving into safe territory with him. "With your king-sized piece of heaven? Please."
"If my bed is so superior, perhaps you should just be in it permanently," he quipped back.
"I'm not moving in with you," she replied just as quickly, in a game they'd been playing, dangerously, for the past week.
"Pity," he growled, delving back into the task at hand. "At least say you'll stay tonight?"
Kate pretended to consider the offer. They both knew she'd be staying. She had for five of the nine past days, and she couldn't imagine that changing much. If they weren't careful, she would end up moving in. Though, as Rick's hand began to wander and she turned and met him in a consuming kiss, Kate had to wonder exactly why that would be a bad thing.
(…)
"No, don't get up," Rick groaned into her shoulder as the alarm blared through the room.
"Have to," Kate rasped, reaching up with her free hand to wipe the sleep from her eyes. It was disgustingly early and they had gone to bed late—astonishingly late.
"But Santa needs sleep," he replied, tightening the arm he'd thrown over her stomach. "And he sleeps best when he's got his elf in his bed."
Kate blinked and waited until she felt him kiss her shoulder—his silent apology for disturbing statements. "This elf has to go catch some elf killers. And the sooner you let her go, the sooner she comes back."
"You seriously have to work on Christmas day?"
"No."
"What?"
"Since last night—and by last night I mean about two hours ago—that answer has changed and I magically don't have to work."
"Santa did get my letter!" he grinned.
Kate rolled her eyes and then turned to meet him in a chaste kiss. "Sorry, I was lying."
Rick gave a dramatic sigh. "And the magic of Christmas is forever ruined."
"We'll see if you still say that once you open your present," she yawned.
He rose over her and their tired eyes met as he brushed a stray hair from her face. "Merry Christmas, Kate."
"Merry Christmas, Rick," she replied, smiling up at him.
"Are you sure you have to leave?" he murmured.
"I had Christmas off last year. It's Egrin's turn."
"I hate him," Rick grumbled.
"You've never met him!"
"But he gets to spend Christmas with his girlfriend or wife, or…whatever. And you have to be at work. So I hate him." She shook her head and leaned up to kiss his jaw before she rolled away. She stood slowly, every muscle protesting against the cold on her skin. "I seriously hate him," he continued, watching as she moved around the room to grab clothes.
She glanced back at him and found him watching her every motion, his eyes wide and cheerful even as he yawned. "You'll get me back tonight."
"I better," he replied easily. "Sure you don't need company in that shower?"
She smiled. She'd love company in the shower, but she didn't have time. "I'm good. Put some boxers on before Alexis comes in here," she added as she stepped into the bathroom and closed the door gently behind her.
For the first time since joining the force, she wished that she did have Christmas off. They'd spent all of last night watching Christmas movies and playing games until Alexis passed out. Then she and Rick had transformed the living room from festive to fantasy, filling it with presents and holly and more fake snow than was probably healthy. But it had been fun, and she'd been cheerful the whole time. She hadn't felt the melancholy that normally consumed her, and even her father had sounded relatively happy when he'd called to confirm his attendance for the next night.
The Castles had staunchly refused to celebrate without her. Kate had begged and pleaded with them to go about the holiday like normal, but they'd been adamant. And so they were going to spend the day at the park and at a local soup kitchen, until Kate was off shift and could come home for presents and Christmas dinner with the family. It wasn't her home, and technically only one of the parties would be her family, but it didn't feel that way.
She went about her morning routine, showering quickly and applying make up to hide the bags under her eyes. She didn't regret a minute of the previous night, from playing Santa to the thorough ravishing that had followed, but she was tuckered out. But at least this year, after she'd written up sixteen suspects and heard about at least three domestic homicides, each more gruesome than the last, she'd get to come back to the loft and enjoy a real Christmas.
She came out of the bathroom and smiled. Alexis had in fact already tiptoed in and was now snuggled up next to her father, his arm thrown over her little body. She was holding Monkey-Bunky and had her other hand fisted into his shirt as they slept. Kate walked around to her side of the bed and picked up the disposable camera she'd left there last night, already anticipating this moment.
She held it up and took a picture, wincing at the loud 'click,' that emanated from the small device. Rick's eyes fluttered open and he looked up at her from his position behind Alexis.
"Wha're doin?" he slurred.
"Go back to sleep, handsome," she replied quietly, the endearment slipping out of its own accord. "I'll see you tonight."
"Merr Chris, Kathr…" he replied.
"Merry Christmas, Richard," she whispered, leaning down very carefully to kiss his cheek. She ran a hand over Alexis' head and then quietly padded out of the room, shutting the door behind her.
She made a detour to the kitchen to grab a muffin to scarf down on her way out and then doubled back into the office for her gun, punching the code into the safe without thought. Even a few months ago, having the code to Richard Castle's safe would have seemed amazing—like a sort of delayed reaction to just how crazy it was that she was in his life—but now it was mundane. There wasn't a part of this apartment that she didn't know as well as her own, or better than her own.
"You really ought to just move in," Martha said as she stood on the last step of the staircase, watching Kate while she flitted back through the kitchen.
Kate stopped cold and turned to look at her. "You taught Rick his ninja room entering skills, then?" she asked, shocked to see the matriarch. "And why are you up?"
"I wanted to get to wish you Merry Christmas," Martha shrugged, stepping off the stairs to meet Kate at the door, watching as she shrugged into her coat.
"Merry Christmas," Kate replied, knowing that arguing about the absurdity of waking up before six to see her off would fall on deaf ears.
Martha smiled. "And really, you ought to."
"Not yet," Kate told her.
"But soon?"
Kate bit her lip. She and Rick had talked about it, but she wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone else.
Kate couldn't remember the last time she'd woken up to the feeling of kisses against her back. But they were there, trailing over her skin, warm and wet, rising up from the bottom of her spine and all the way to the nape of her neck as she lay sprawled on her stomach.
She sighed happily and lazily stretched a hand out to twine with the one to her right, where Rick's large hand was pressed into the mattress, giving him leverage to continue his pleasurable assault on her back.
"Hi," she whispered, turning her head so that she could blink back at him, catching his eye. "How long have you been up?"
"I saw Alexis off," he replied, leaning down so that he covered her, back to front. He bent his head and kissed the corner of her mouth. "Hi back."
"You should have woken me. I would have had breakfast with you guys." It felt wrong to stay over and not see Alexis the next morning. Even if…no, it still felt wrong, naked in Rick's bed or not.
"You were out," he chuckled. "And don't worry. Alexis wasn't hurt. I don't think she even knew you were still here, actually."
"Oh."
He watched her for a moment. She wasn't quite sure what to think about that. It wasn't like Alexis knew about sex, or at least she didn't know about it outside of the conception part of pregnancy. So she wouldn't jump to conclusions, but Kate felt odd. And if she was going to stay over more, would they have to talk? What was the protocol? Did anything change?
"Hey," he broke her out of her thoughts. "It doesn't make any difference to Alexis. And if you want me to wake you tomorrow, I will. But this was your morning off and I wanted you to sleep in."
"Thanks," she murmured. She was making mountains out of molehills, again. She needed to get a handle on that. "And what makes you think I'll be here tomorrow morning?" she added.
"You won't be?" he asked, sounding completely innocent, even as his other hand snuck beneath her and pressed against her stomach, pulling her into his body—his naked, warm body.
"Is this you persuading me?"
"Is this you saying you'll move in?" he asked as she rolled over and stared up at him.
She couldn't get a read on whether he was joking or not. He was smiling, his hand now cradling the side of her face, his thumb rubbing circles against her skin. His eyes were light and playful, but there was something serious behind them, and she wasn't sure of her own answer. She simply looked at him, admiring his handsome face because she could.
"I'd have expected a more elaborate proposal," she replied after a moment.
His smile widened. "That can be arranged."
She answered his smile with one of her own, because she couldn't stop it. But this could end up spiraling out, and she still needed to set them straight. There was no denying that it was inevitable. If the previous night had proved anything, it was that she didn't want to do this with any other man, ever. And yeah, he was that talented, but it was the connection she'd felt—the connection that she'd never, ever had before. "Give it a few months, okay?" she asked quietly.
He nodded thoughtfully. "For which proposal?" She whapped him with his pillow and he collapsed down on top of her, laughing. "But really," he whispered against her ear before kissing it.
"For both, but one has to come long after the other," she let her mouth reply. Her mind was a bit distracted by his lips as they kissed and sucked and licked their way across her neck and jaw and up to her mouth, morning breath and all—though he tasted like mint. "And let me brush my teeth," she added when he pulled away to look down at her. "We're at an unfair balance here."
"Don't care," he replied, but refrained from kissing her again, content instead to stare at her. It was endearing and mildly irritating all at once. "And, just so we're clear, both are going to happen."
God, what was the point of being careful and going slow if he was going to keep saying stuff like that? "Noted," she replied slowly.
He grinned. "Okay. Morning's aren't the best for pre-commitment commitments. Got it. So, breakfast? Or do you need some help washing your back?"
She shook her head and met his eyes, trying to tell him the words she couldn't quite say—words like 'yes,' and 'I kind of want both now,' and 'you're wonderful,' and 'I love you.' But she was overwhelmed by it all and found that the words simply stuck in her throat. So she leaned up and captured his mouth with hers, pushing him up so that they were both sitting, her hands framing his face.
"Come on, Writer Man," she whispered, giving him one last kiss before getting out of bed and tugging gently on his hands. He stood and they looked at each other in the light pouring through his window.
"Gorgeous," he said as he looked her over.
She smiled. This, she could handle. And the two proposals that were going to happen—she could deal with those later. "Come on, Richard," she drew his name out, taking great pleasure in how quickly his eyes darkened. "Help me find a loofah."
"Soon is a relative term," she replied guardedly. Martha raised a sculpted eyebrow and Kate sighed. "Martha, we're not even in the papers yet, and won't be until after the holidays."
"Paula has a plan?"
"Paula has a plan," Kate confirmed. "But it's more than I can really handle this morning, if that's okay? Ask me tonight?"
Martha smiled and reached out for her, pulling Kate into an unexpected hug. She smiled and wrapped her arms around the older woman, clad in a delightfully garish dressing gown—red with fluffy white trim. But her arms were warm and she had that maternal way of hugging, and Kate couldn't help but love her for it.
"You make my son a very happy man, Katherine Beckett," she murmured. "And my granddaughter. And I'm rather fond of you myself."
Kate pulled back and smiled at Martha. "Thank you, Martha. I'm rather fond of you as well."
Martha chuckled. "Alright. Enough maudlin behavior before the sun rises. Have a good day and hurry home, dear."
Kate nodded and they stepped back. Martha held the door for her and Kate left the loft, closing her coat more firmly over her body as she heard the lock click shut. It wasn't home, not yet, not for a while. But it would be. And that reality was becoming easier to swallow every day. She stepped out of the elevator and made her way to the street, smiling up at the snow swirling down through the air. Then she stepped off the curb and her foot sank into six inches of slush.
"Merry Christmas," she sighed, glancing over her shoulder at Rick's building as she crossed the street, limping slightly from the cold seeping into her shoe.
(…)
Twelve hours had never seemed so long. They'd had three homicides, and Kate and Esposito had spent the entire day tracking down family members and filling out forms, all while making trips down to lockup to help keep the influx of vagrants, villains, criminals and vandals in check. She'd stepped in another puddle on the way back to the Precinct after a pick up, and then she'd spilled coffee all over her shirt when a suspect had tried to make a break for it straight into her.
It didn't feel much like Christmas as she made her way back to the loft, wearing her spare change of clothes, and she was vaguely considering ducking out, because she didn't want to ruin it for the rest of them. It didn't help that a high, knife-wielding teenager had managed to snap her necklace near the end of the day. She patted the zipper pocket of her jacket to ensure that the ring and ruined chain were still there and then got into the elevator, taking a deep breath. She wanted to be here. She just had to convince her body and bad mood to get in the spirit.
She could hear the quiet sounds of laughter as she approached 504 and slipped her key into the lock. She opened the door and felt a bit of her bad mood slip away as Alexis ran past, wearing overalls and a bandanna, singing 'Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer,' at the top of her lungs.
"Merry Christmas," she called out as she shut the door and dropped her keys into the bowl on the hall bureau. She hung up her jacket and slipped off her shoes just as Rick appeared in the foyer.
"Merry Christmas," he grinned, opening his arms for her.
She walked into them and wrapped her own around his neck, pressing her face into his shoulder, seeking his warmth and comfort to wash away an abysmal Christmas Day day.
"Hard day?" he murmured, running a hand over her hair.
She nodded. "Nothing makes you lose more faith in humanity than stabbings at Christmas," she mumbled into his neck.
"It would, however, make a good title for a book," he replied.
And just like he planned it, she laughed and pulled back to smile at him. "You're horrible."
"Yet you love me. Says more about you than me, I think," he grinned.
Kate opened her mouth to say…something back, but Jim popped around the wall and whatever she would have figured out went unsaid as she was swept up in three more hugs and the chatter of an extremely eager, hyper and good-doing Alexis.
"I wish you could have come to the soup kitchen with us!" she told Kate as they sat down on the couch together while Jim and Martha bustled around the kitchen. They'd decided to make dinner for their children this time, leaving Kate and Rick to lounge in the living room with Alexis. "We made lots of people smile. There were so many people."
"It sounds like you did a great things today," Kate told her, smiling as she climbed, monkey-like, to settle into her lap. She was eternally grateful that Alexis hadn't grown out of her cuddle phase.
"I didn't know that so many people didn't have homes," Alexis continued. "Can't people help them more?"
"People try, Sweetie, but there's a lot that's wrong with the economy, and sometimes there's just not enough money to go around," Rick replied from his position beside Kate, his arm wrapped around her shoulders.
"But we have money," she said quietly, her raucous excitement now gone in the face of a hard life truth.
"And your Daddy donates a lot of it," Kate replied, smiling as Rick kissed her forehead.
"And it's still not enough?" Alexis asked, looking up at them.
"It helps," Rick said slowly. "But no, it's not enough."
Alexis went quite for a minute, mulling it over, and Kate was reminded that she was surrounded by very good people. She never lost sight of that fact, but here Alexis was, sitting on her lap, staring out at a sea of presents, and her biggest concern was the homelessness problem.
"And people kill each other," Alexis said very quietly, "on Christmas."
It wasn't a question. Kate sucked in a breath and felt Rick exhale one against her skin. She pressed her head into his cheek and gave Alexis a squeeze. "Sometimes they do," she offered honestly.
"I don't know if I like people much," Alexis replied. "Not if they do stuff like that to each other. They shouldn't. And everyone should have a home and a big meal to eat on Christmas."
"We agree, Pumpkin," Rick said as he wrapped his free arm around both of them.
Alexis sighed and relaxed back into Kate. She felt her heart break a little bit, knowing that this amazing, innocent, sweet little girl was not so innocent, and was starting to realize that the world wasn't fair. It wasn't that Alexis hadn't suffered her own hardships; her neglectful mother was proof of that. But Alexis was starting to notice the inequalities between her life and the lives of others. It was a hard lesson to learn, and Kate remembered feeling much like Alexis now did when she'd started volunteering with her mother around Alexis' age.
"I know it's hard to understand, Alexis," Kate began, choosing her words carefully as they flooded back to her, memories of a similar speech heard through a younger pair of ears flowing through her mind. "But you can help by doing just what you did today. You made a difference today and helped make those less fortunate feel the holiday spirit. And you can keep doing that if you want. I'll take you on Tuesdays if it's something you want to do."
"And I'll take you on weekends, if you want," Rick added, his hand rubbing patterns on Kate's shoulder.
"And there are other ways to help too," Kate continued, meeting Alexis' gaze as she looked up at her, her head tilted back to meet her eyes. "You can volunteer at the local hospitals when you're older, or you can become a buddy for kids in orphanages. There are lots of ways to help."
Alexis nodded slowly. "Okay."
"And it's okay to feel sad about it, Sweetie," Kate said with a small smile.
"Do you feel sad when you go to work?"
Kate nodded and leaned down to kiss her forehead, letting her lips sooth the little wrinkle on the girl's brow. "Sometimes I feel very sad."
"Like today?"
Kate nodded. "Like today. But, I get to come back to you and your Dad, your Gram and my Father. So I'm lucky." Rick leaned his head against hers again and she smiled. "And we're always here for you too, Alexis," she told the little girl.
"Thanks, Kate," Alexis said. "Love you."
"I love you too, Munchkin," Kate replied. The knot that had formed in her chest throughout the day, saddened and hurt and lost, eased as they sat there. She was glad to be able to give Alexis half the comfort the girl gave back, merely by sitting on her lap and existing.
They sat quietly for a while, listening to the carols that wafted around the room from Rick's large speakers in the corner. Sometimes he sang along, his voice warm and low against her ear while Alexis sat silently, leaning back against Kate's chest. She thought of her mother, and how they'd sat like this when she was young, curled up in Johanna's lap while Jim sang along. It both warmed and saddened Kate to realize that while she'd never have that again with her own mother, she was living it again with…with her new family.
"Alexis," Martha called, startling all of them.
"Yes Gram?" Alexis called back.
"Did you want to set the table?" Alexis smiled and hopped out of Kate's lap, scurrying around the couch and out of sight.
"She likes to put out the fancy holiday ware on Christmas," Rick explained quietly, his lips still pressed to her ear.
"Was she like this earlier?" Kate asked, turning a bit to look at him. He met her gaze with a soft smile.
"She was quiet, but I think she was waiting to ask you about it, actually." Kate bobbed her head, unable to come up with a response. "You have the wisdom."
She laughed and then smiled as he leaned in to press his lips to hers. It wasn't a passionate kiss, like the ones they'd exchanged the night before, after all of the Christmas magic had been performed. This kiss was tender and full of something she'd have to say was love, because there was no other way to explain it. And it wasn't the 'best friend,' kind of love at all.
She pressed a hand over his heart as he ran his tongue along her bottom lip and she sighed. His heart beat beneath her hand and he pulled away after a moment and met her eyes, his forehead resting against hers. "Yeah?"
She smiled. "Yeah." Because sometimes it was that simple.
"Dinner," Jim called.
They both laughed softly. "We have impeccable timing," he whispered.
"Life would be boring otherwise," she whispered back, like they were swapping secrets.
He grinned and then stood up, offering her his hands. She took them and let him haul her to stand against her chest. "We're the lucky ones, you know," he said very quietly.
Kate smiled and then stepped back, taking his hand and leading him into the dining room, her fingers thoroughly twined with his. Their parents eyed them suspiciously as they sat down, but neither Kate nor Rick was willing to give them any satisfaction. Martha had already gotten enough out of Kate that morning.
"So, Katie, how was work?" Jim asked as they passed food around. Martha and Jim had outdone themselves. There were mashed potatoes,garlic string beans, an enormous turkey, homemade rolls, and cranberry sauce laid out over the table. Kate was rather impressed, seeing as her father was no culinary and Rick's stories about Martha's cooking were actually pretty gory.
"It was tiring, but alright," Kate replied. "I'm happy to be here."
"And we're happy to have you," Martha smiled. "I understand that the two of you haven't really been celebrating the holiday?"
Kate glanced at her father, who looked more at ease than she'd seen him in a long time, especially on a holiday. "Martha and I were speaking of the past," he offered. He gave her a small nod, as if to say 'I'm okay, Katie,' and she smiled.
"We haven't, no," Kate replied. "But this is wonderful."
"And we'll do presents after dinner too," Alexis piped up as she took a bite of mashed potatoes.
"Have you really not opened any?" Kate asked, looking at the little girl. She was enormously mature for her age, but she was still eight years old.
"Gram and Grandpa Jim made me open theirs," Alexis replied. "But we were waiting for you to do the rest."
Kate watched her father smile at the moniker and she in turn gave a smile to Alexis. "Did you get anything good?" The turkey was delicious. Maybe Martha and Jim should always cook.
"Grandpa Jim got me a lab coat," she replied with a grin. "And Gram got me season passes to the Children's Museum and Science Center."
"That's awesome, Alexis. Great presents, you guys," she added, looking at the two older adults.
"We thought it seemed appropriate," Martha replied.
"You do realize that this means more science experiments," Rick added.
Kate rolled her eyes. "As I recall it, you were the one who wanted to see how hot homemade silly putty could get before exploding. Don't blame Alexis for your new microwave."
"Richard," Martha reprimanded.
"It was cool," Alexis said happily. "But yeah, it wouldn't work after that."
"But, see, now Alexis knows not to put silly putty in the microwave," Rick defended.
"Yes, because I'm sure it was on her to-do list, right Alexis?" Kate said with a shake of her head. "You're lucky neither of you was hurt."
"Oh, live a little, Katie," Jim chuckled. "I remember doing a number of explosive experiments with you, and we never got hurt."
Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "I remember a trip to the emergency room for burns, actually."
His eyes widened and then he glanced at Alexis and Rick. "Yes. Well, do not, under any circumstance, ever put a volcano into the microwave," he said as he took another bite of turkey.
Her mother had been so furious. Kate remembered that it was one of the very few times her father had actually slept on the couch. Rick laughed and Martha simply shook her head while Alexis looked among them, laughing along even though she was a bit lost.
"It seems it's a male trait, dear," Martha said sagely. "Just make sure you're here to supervise."
Kate met Martha's gaze and saw the challenge and approval there. "Well played," she said, raising her glass in a mock toast. Very subtle, Martha.
Martha simply smiled. "Alexis was telling us all about her visit to the soup kitchen earlier."
"She told me," Kate replied, shooting Alexis a smile that was returned in full.
"Can you come next year, Kate?" Alexis asked.
Kate nodded and reached for a roll, tearing it in half and handing the bottom to Rick, who passed her the butter. She looked up and found both her father and Martha staring at her. "Yes?"
"Nothing," they said together, before they locked gazes and had some sort of non-verbal parental conversation.
"And yet we keep inviting them back," Rick said as he eyed their parents.
"Did I say something?" Kate asked, looking between Alexis and Rick.
Rick shrugged and Alexis simply smiled. "You said you'd come next year."
"And?" Kate replied, miffed. "I'll have Christmas off next year, since I didn't have it off this year."
"But you'll be here next year," Alexis continued, smiling with rather unnerving wisdom.
Rick slowly grinned and then met Kate's eyes. "What?" she asked. She felt clueless and it was irritating.
"Well, you'll be here next year."
Oh. Oh. Well, if that wasn't committing, she didn't know what was. But it wasn't like it was new information. For once, it felt like they were all making a bigger deal out of something than she was. And so she took opportunity as it was presented. "And?"
Rick's grin grew wider and he laughed. "And nothing. Pass the potatoes?"
They made idle chatter and continued swapping stories of childhood experiments and exploits gone wrong, until everyone was stuffed to the gills. But there wasn't quite time to rest, because Alexis had finally recovered her age and was pulling them all into the living room with excitement, giggling and squealing as she walked among the almost obscene amount of boxes.
They decided, as a team, that Alexis should open most of hers first. The little girl was only too happy to oblige, and Rick set her up with a large pile on the floor, while the four of them seated themselves around her, Martha and Jim in the arm chairs, and Rick and Kate sitting on the floor against the back of the couch. Rick wrapped an arm around her and they watched as Alexis ripped open her presents from Santa—a set of Polly Pockets that she'd been coveting, the newest Harry Potter video game, five new novels and the newest NYSNC album. Alexis squealed over each one and Kate was happy to see that she still believed in Santa Claus.
Martha and Jim went next, opening their presents from the other three. Martha instantly slipped on the homemade necklace from Alexis and set the two autographed plays Kate and Rick had gotten for her on the coffee table, thanking all three of them with suspiciously moist eyes. Jim, for his part, looked close to tears himself, as he sat looking at the photo album they'd put together. Bound in thick, brown leather, the album was made up of pictures of the four of them, and then of Kate, Rick and Alexis, along with some of Kate and her parents.
She watched anxiously as Jim paged through the book, Alexis seated on his lap, whispering to him as they passed pictures, or listening as Jim explained others to her. He was quiet, but then he looked up and locked eyes with Kate while Alexis giggled. Happiness looked back at her and she smiled, squeezing Rick's hand.
"Thank you," Jim said quietly, looking around at all of them. "For this, and for including me in this world of yours."
"We want you here, Dad," Kate replied while Alexis nodded and wrapped Jim in a hug.
He simply nodded and looked back down at the album. Rick leaned down and kissed her temple. "I told you."
"Told me what?" she whispered, her eyes glued to her father, Alexis and Martha, who had gone to join them and look through the pictures.
"That all he needed was family."
Kate nodded wordlessly, because she couldn't remember having seen her father so relaxed or full of emotion since before her mother had died. Rick pulled her closer and they sat and watched the three of them look through every picture. But Alexis could really only take so much, and eventually, she broke free to scurry over to the small pile of presents still under the tree. She carried two small packages over to them and gently handed them each one, moving back to plop down in front of them, her little green dress fanning out around her.
Kate looked down at the small, square package in her lap and then glanced at Rick, who was doing the same. "Same time?" she asked Alexis, who nodded.
They each gingerly unwrapped the presents and stared as they lifted up two identical colored cubes. They were about the size of Kate's palm and made of glass that was semi-translucent, with different colors shining through each face.
"They're gorgeous, Alexis," Kate said softly.
"They are," Rick agreed. "But, what are they, exactly?"
Martha walked by and handed them a flashlight. "Shine it through yours, Daddy," Alexis instructed.
Rick shrugged and did as he was told. An image of Alexis playing the violin fell onto the wall across from them and both Kate and Rick gasped in surprise. "This is…" he turned the cube and another picture fell across the wall, this time of Kate and Rick sitting together on the beach, Kate reading a book and Rick scribbling in a notebook. "This is incredible, Alexis."
"They're the same," she replied, gesturing between them. "But I wanted to get you guys something special, and Gram helped. They work with sunlight too, but you have to make it direct, so you don't always see the picture. Do you like them?"
Rick turned the cube again and the picture that stared back was one of the three of them lying on the living room rug. It was taken from the back and Alexis was lying between them, and Rick and Kate had each thrown an arm over her, so that she was squashed between their bodies. They were laughing and Kate and Rick were watching each other. The picture stole Kate's breath away and she merely nodded at Alexis.
"They're wonderful," Rick told her. "Thank you, honey."
Alexis smiled and Kate beckoned her forward for a hug, laughing slightly when Rick enveloped both of them, blowing a raspberry on Alexis' cheek.
"Merry Christmas," she said.
"Merry Christmas," they replied, to more laughter as they tried to 'jinx' each other.
After a moment, Rick stood and Alexis climbed into Kate's lap while he rummaged around under the tree. Kate looked over at Martha and Jim, who were both watching them with soft smiles on their faces. She managed to hold her father's gaze for, perhaps, ten seconds, before focusing on the top of Alexis' head. It wasn't embarrassing, per say, but…no, it was embarrassing. It was lovely, but it was…no one liked to watch her parent and pseudo-parent smile adoringly at the family she was forming. It was just awkward.
Rick returned and handed a present each to Kate and Alexis, before placing one next to himself, which Kate recognized as hers.
"Go on," he laughed as Alexis began ripping into her present. Kate set her own down and watched as Alexis pulled out the locket she and Rick had gotten her.
Kate had insisted that Rick buy Alexis something on his own, but the man was amazingly persuasive. He'd argued that he wanted to get Alexis something that she could wear or take with her, that would help her understand their permanence. She hadn't indicated that she was worried, but the little girl had been quiet after her mother's eventual departure and had taken to sitting closer to Kate, or in her lap, over the last few weeks.
Finally, after one night when Alexis had cried as she'd left the loft to go home, Kate had relented and suggested they get her a locket. It wasn't, she'd explained, a gesture of their permanence as a couple, but of their individual permanence in Alexis' life. Because that was what she feared, or at least Kate hoped so.
She helped Alexis open the locket, when she looked up at her with wide, understanding blue eyes. Then she looked back down at the pictures of Kate and Rick on either side of the little golden heart. "We will never, ever, leave you," Kate told her quietly—so quietly that Martha and Jim leaned forward to hear. "And you can take this with you everywhere you go."
"Thank you," Alexis whispered, glancing over at her father. "Will you put it on?" she asked Kate.
Kate nodded and took the locket, clasping it around the Alexis' neck and brushing her hair out of the way. Alexis leaned back into her and fiddled with the locket, reaching out to squeeze her father's arm as she stared at the tree, oddly silent.
"You okay, Munchkin?" he asked, leaning down to her eye level.
She nodded. "Merry Christmas, Daddy."
He smiled and kissed her cheek. "Merry Christmas, Alexis."
"Open your present, Kate," Alexis said after a moment.
Kate nodded and picked up her gift, glancing over at their parents, who were both watching everything with wide eyes. She shook her head at them as both surreptitiously wiped at their eyes. This evening had been a roller coaster of emotion, and she still had to open Rick's gift.
She looked over at him. "Is this going to make me cry?"
Everyone laughed and he shook his head. "No. Laugh, maybe. But no tears."
"Good," Alexis said, sounding a bit more like herself. Rick grinned at Kate.
She sighed and gave him a smile before gently peeling back the paper of a large, rectangular package, laughing as Alexis helped, since she was still sitting in Kate's lap. The paper fell away and she was left staring at a Sac's designer gift box.
"Really?" she asked, excited. He laughed and nodded, watching as she happily tore the lid off the box and lifted the expensive, extremely stylish black and white checkered coat from the tissue.
They'd gone shopping a week earlier and Kate had stopped to stare at the coat while Alexis pranced ahead with Martha. Rick had turned and found her looking at it. She'd shaken her head and called it a silly fancy, took his hand, and followed after the grandmother and happily chatting daughter. It wasn't something she'd ever buy for herself, but damn if she hadn't coveted it for all she had.
And now, it was sitting in her lap—Alexis' lap, really—and she didn't quite know what to say. "You remembered," she said quietly.
He simply smiled. "You like it?"
"I love it," she said quickly. "Thank you."
She reached over and tugged him to her by the front of his shirt, kissing him soundly, even as Alexis giggled and their parents averted their eyes. "Merry Christmas," Rick chuckled as they pulled apart. "I'm glad you like it."
"I love it," she said again. "Really. Thank you."
He smiled and then reached behind himself for his own present, the last of the evening. She watched as he eagerly tore at the paper. She'd had trouble figuring out what to get him, since he'd given her a key to his apartment for her birthday. She had wanted to get him something of value, that would make him understand that he meant as much to her as she apparently meant to him.
And now, watching as he ran his hand over the key that lay on top of a leather-bound notebook, she wet her lips and then took a breath. "I noticed that you like to hand write at night, and your current one's almost full, so I thought that maybe you'd like another one…and the key…"
"You got me a car?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.
"Yes," she laughed. "That's exactly it."
"Wonderful. I'll have to take it for a drive some night soon," he replied easily. "Make sure the key turns the ignition, you know?"
"Adults and a child in the room," Martha interjected. "Honestly Richard."
Rick waved her off and leaned in to give Kate her own kiss, his lips warm over hers. When he broke away, he rested his forehead against hers for a moment and then pulled back, slipping the key into his pocket. She smiled and then looked down at Alexis, who was watching all of them with tired eyes.
"I'm sorry I made you wait all day, Munchkin," she told her as Alexis sagged back against her chest.
"S'okay. Merry Christmas, Kate," she sighed, turning her head and snuggling into her as she closed her eyes.
"Hey, hey," Rick chuckled. "No falling asleep on the girlfriend. That's what beds are for."
Alexis giggled and then extended her arms to Rick, who picked her up and stood, walking out of the room as the three remaining inhabitants chorused their 'good nights,' and 'Merry Christmases.'
Kate sat and stared ahead at the wall for a few moments as they listened to Rick making his way up the stairs. "Okay, go ahead," she said quietly, turning to face the proverbial music.
Martha and Jim exchanged looks. "Go ahead what?" Jim asked innocently.
Martha nodded. "You know, I think it's time we headed out. What do you say, Jim?"
"I say that's a fine idea, Martha," he grinned. "Leave these two kids to clean up the living room and do the dishes?"
"Of course."
Kate watched as they stood and gathered their gifts. "Really?" she asked before she could stop herself. They weren't going to call them on it?
Jim turned and looked at her. "Your mother would have been very proud, Katie. Merry Christmas."
Kate looked up at him and sucked in a breath. "Merry Christmas, Dad. And to you, Martha."
Martha simply smiled and nodded her head. They left the living room and Kate listened as they put on their shoes and coats and bid Rick farewell as he came back downstairs. She felt out of place, stuck somewhere between a child and a parent, because that was exactly what she had been tonight. Rick came back a few minutes later and plopped down next to her.
"Some Christmas, huh?" he asked.
"Some Christmas," she replied, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Did they call you out?"
"Mother said she was proud of me, and your father shook my hand. I'm sensing approval."
She laughed and he snuck his arm around her shoulders, pulling her further into him until she was settled across his lap, her legs over his. He was strong and warm around her and she let the tension flow out of her body, what was left of it, at any rate. "Alexis liked the locket," she whispered.
"Alexis loves you," he replied softly. "Of course she loved the locket. I just hope it helps."
"She'll get through it," Kate assured him, though it was as much for herself as for him. Watching that child be in any kind of pain was horrible, and this wasn't something they could just bandage up. It was a hurt that would need to heal. Meredith had taken a security from Alexis, and it would take much longer to get it back than she could ever imagine.
"Thank you for being here," he replied after a minute. "She's so much better with you around." Kate bent her head and turned her face into his neck, unsure of whether she was hiding out of insecurity or delight. "And that's gotta scare the shit out of you."
"Sometimes," she replied honestly, because it did. "But mostly, I'm just lucky."
"I told you already that we're the lucky ones," he chided. "Don't you listen?"
"Only as well as you do," she grumbled, smiling as he sighed into her hair. "But, come on, we need to clean up."
He grumbled but allowed her to tug him up. They went about straightening out the living room and putting all of Alexis' gifts into a neat pile for her to enjoy the next day. They left their cubes side by side on the coffee table and Kate could already imagine herself placing it on her desk at work. No one would know what it did, but she would, and she knew that it would help her in the grueling days to come, since after the holidays, there were only more homicides. It never ended.
They did the dishes side by side, simply soaking in the quiet of the loft and each other's steady presence. When they were done, Rick led her into his bedroom by the tips of her fingers. Then he turned and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her as close as he could get her.
As they lay there afterward, her cuddled into his side as he lazily ran a hand through her hair, she allowed herself a pure moment of contentment. Yes, she was scared of just how seriously she fit into this new life they were building. And yes, she realized that she was slowly becoming a second mother to Alexis. And yes, that did scare the shit out of her.
"I love you," he said quietly.
Kate's eyes flew to meet his. "Yeah?" she replied after a moment, watching as he smiled.
"In the actual, real, I love you, kind of way." He chuckled. "Wow, that's dorky."
She giggled and then kissed his chest, sure of her next words. "Don't worry, Rick. I love-love you too."
Author's Note: I wish I had real thoughts for you on this chapter. I knew this was where I wanted to take it, but it just kind of came out on its own, and I'm personally a little surprised by what came out. Kate herself is a bit confused, but in a good way. BUT, I think it works, and it sets up what I needed it to. So I hope you like it. I'd be really interested to know what you thought.
I'm coming back in to say that I haven't left out a plot element. I'm strategically timing it. But I realized that if I didn't give you some warning, I'll be inundated with confused reviews. Suffice it to say that a certain set of giftage will appear later. Worry not.
I am an East Coaster, and though I know that this is nothing compared to what Florida or the West Coast frequently gets, Hurricane Irene is going to cause problems for me getting to school, and may cut me off from power. So if there's not another update for a few more days than normal, I apologize.
I hope everyone is staying safe and sound, and that those of you starting school this coming week get there safely and enjoy it.
Emma
PS. Over 2,150 reviews and nearly 900 alerts? You guys are amazing and I'm completely blown away. THANK YOU.