Junjou Romantica

Alone

"Alone. Yes. That's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and Hell is only a poor synonym."

Stephen King

Akihiko isn't particularly sure when he started to have these insecure thoughts that nearly plagued his mind every second of every day, but he is certain that they've been happening for awhile now. He's also positive of the reason for them, and that reason is only one name. Ijuuin-sensei. That damned manga author who can't seem to take a hint from either him nor Misaki. Though, Akihiko is beginning to think that Misaki isn't giving the man anymore reasons to bugger off, and is only encouraging his motives with tiny gestures and thoughtless words. In fact, Akihiko is fearing that Misaki is only leaning towards them eagerly and will be telling the silver haired man goodbye for a final time very soon.

Akihiko has always told Misaki that he'll never let the younger man go, even if he has to tie him up and lock him up somewhere inside of this condo. But, each time he's said it's only a bluff. He'd never do that to his beloved Misaki, and if his lover wants to leave at some point he won't stop him from going, no matter how much he wishes to. What kind of man would he be if he were to really keep Misaki here without the other's consent? There wouldn't be any love coming from the other if he were to do that; and that's assuming that there was any love from him in the first place.

Everything about emotions aside, Ijuuin would be able to provide a much better life for Misaki in the long run anyway. Sure, Akihiko has a lot of money and can give Misaki whatever his heart's desire is, but sometimes money just doesn't cut it for quenching one's desires. Love towards another is one of those than a person cannot buy, no matter how much they wish it is true. Akihiko is certainly one of those people. If Misaki's heart truly lies with Ijuuin, what could Akihiko do to stop him from running to the man? He's done all he can in order to just have Misaki be a bit more willing in their relationship, and that is hard enough even in Misaki does love him. If he doesn't, and he is in love with that man, Akihiko's efforts would be futile.

Not to mention, Ijuuin would make a better partner for Misaki in other ways. Akihiko can't do much of anything in order to survive on his own, and he constantly needs Misaki for everything in his daily life until it comes to things as simple as heating things in the microwave. Sure, it was ideal to have the college student "pay" for his rent through doing household chores for Akihiko, but as the years go on and Misaki gets older, he wouldn't be able to handle all of the work on his own. Akihiko could always hire a maid, but Misaki would always have to be a sort of babysitter to Akihiko. With Ijuuin, Misaki could live a life in comfort with plenty of money, but also never have to worry about lifting a finger if it comes to Ijuuin's demands.

Akihiko sighed heavily as he leaned forward, staring blankly at his glowing laptop screen. Overall, Misaki would be much better off with the manga artist, no matter how much Akihiko wished that wasn't so. At some point, Misaki was going to leave him for a better match even if it wasn't Ijuuin, but Akihiko seriously doubts that he is an ideal person for Misaki to stay with for the rest of his life. That was one of the reasons he gets so jealous easily. Most of it is all just plain fear of Misaki finding his ideal and leaving him for good before Akihiko can even blink. Ijuuin is clearly Misaki's type, and Akihiko can't do a thing if the younger male chooses to walk out on his life and into Ijuuin's.

"Shit," Akihiko swore under his breath once he felt tears sting behind his eyes. He had nothing to be crying about; especially since Misaki wasn't even gone yet. He wiped his violet eyes furiously, gritting his teeth together with a rattled breath. If he was behaving this way now he has no idea what he'll do when Misaki officially leaves him. When he regained composure, he looked back up at his computer to read through the final paragraph of the story that he had been working on for the past month.

It was a different story than his usual ones. It's plot was more depressing, and this one never ends with a happy ending as many of his others have. In fact, it reminds him a lot of the short stories that he used to write as a child for his friend, Hiroki. He clearly remembers Hiroki asking him at one point if Akihiko was putting himself in all of his characters in a way to release multiple types of emotions, even in few of his happy stories. Akihiko has memory of confirming Hiroki's suspecions, and told him how he did it mostly in his angsty stories more often since those characters were much more relatable to him. He can see it in this story as well that he's starting to fall into those same patterns.

The very last paragraph actually includes some of Akihiko's old quotes that he had written in those short stories, and one of them was one of his best ones about the impact of the word "alone". He had always hated that specific word, and still despises it. It's an emotion he hates to feel, but unfortunately he has been feeling it more for the past few months than he has in the last few years. He knows that it's due to Misaki's current distance towards him and his sudden closeness towards Ijuuin. He's guaranteed himself that he'll be alone in just a couple of months.

"...And then Ijuuin-sensei praised me on my amazing performance of managing the stressful task of getting his manuscript to the editors as fast as I did, especially since I was under so much stress today from the many other things I was doing. It was so nice to hear that he appreciates me like that," Misaki continued to ramble on about his beloved Ijuuin-sensei. Akihiko doesn't even think that Misaki stopped once talking about his admiration for the man.

Akihiko tightened his jaw as he lifted his chopsticks from his bowl of rice, stomach churning sickeningly as he heard Misaki say his name again. He was starting on another story, and it was one that Akihiko has heard at least three times by now. Had Misaki even paused to ask Akihiko how his day was? Of course not, he just wanted to continue to talk about the guy he was currently in love with.

"Misaki," Akihiko suddenly interrupted and Misaki stumbled over his words for a moment before raising his eyes up to Akihiko's with curiosity. Akihiko lowered his chopsticks down into the bowl, making sure he never lowered his strong gaze away from Misaki's. Never let it waver.

"You know, I'm not forcing you stay here with me. If you want to leave me to live on your own, or break off our relationship you can if you wish to. If you think that you staying here unhappily is making me any happier, you're believing false thought. I'd rather you be happy somewhere else, with someone else even, than unhappy with me," Akihiko said confidently, not wanting to display how weak he was feeling in this moment. He was so tired of feeling insecure and living in a constant state of uncertainty and anxiety as he waited for Misaki to break up with him. He'd rather get it over with now, that way it's out of the way and he could hurry up and try to move on. He just wanted to hurry up and get through this painful experience that was bound to come regardless.

Tense silence fell across the two, and Misaki blinked multiple times before a nervous laugh erupted from his mouth. What was he waiting for? Skip the sugarcoating and just end everything already, that way it would be over for the both of them. Good for one, and bad for the other. "Could my brother have said something strange again? I've told you before, I'm not planning on moving out just because he thinks it'll be best for me."

Akihiko curled his hands into fists. "No," he said, his voice remaining steady. "You're brother hasn't said a word to me about you moving out except him understanding and respecting your wanting to stay. This is all just me stating that if you've found someone else, or if you never felt anything romantic towards me in the first place and you're only are staying with me out of pity, you can leave without feeling guilty."

Misaki furrowed his trimmed eyebrows together, obviously taken aback from Akihiko's sudden words. 'It must be a relief to him,' Akihiko thought silently to himself, yet kept his outward expression neutral. After a short while of Misaki taking in exactly what Akihiko had just told him, he opened his mouth to stutter out some kind of reply to him. Akihiko was expecting a thank you.

"I don't understand," Misaki said slowly, leaning up in his seat to look closely at Akihiko. "Where is this suddenly coming from, Usagi-san? I-I still need to be here to help you with the housework and-."

Akihiko cut him off suddenly, not wanting to hear Misaki's halfassed excuses for staying with him. "I can hire a maid for that, just as I have done in the past. I can be fully functional without you here, so I don't want that to be your reason for staying with me. I got by just fine for the past years before you came along, and I can do it again."

Misaki looked at a loss of words again, and he continued to stare at Akihiko with an apprehensive expression. "Usagi-san, where the hell is this suddenly coming from?" Misaki asked after another few heartbeats of silence of Misaki wracking his brain for another pathetic excuse for him to not leave Akihiko. "Have I done something to make you upset at me? If I have, I apologize." He paused for a moment, and opened his mouth again to speak, but Akihiko beat him to the punch.

"Try to be a little selfish once and a while, would you?!" Akihiko snapped. Misaki reeled back as if he had actually reached across the table and slapped him. His green eyes were wide, shining in shock and hurt. His hands were trembling against where they were resting on the furnished table, but Akihiko didn't stop his talking.

"I'm giving you a free invitation to leave and you're just not taking it at all without giving me some sort of stupid excuses for you to stay. Do you know how hard it is for me to just sit here and tell you that you can leave me for someone else so you can be happy for the first time in the past four years? It's hurting, a lot, but it hurts a whole lot fucking more to sit here and just watch you fall in love with someone else. Especially after I spent so much time trying to get you to fall in love with me, and he just sweeps in and captures your heart without breaking a sweat!"

Misaki continued to stare wide-eyed at Akihiko, but this time he didn't look all that surprised or hurt anymore, just concerned and sad. Akihiko's breath seemed to rattle as he took in deep breaths to calm himself down, and he hadn't even noticed he started to cry until he felt the warmness trickle down both of his cheeks slowly. This couldn't have turned out worse. First, Misaki didn't just whisk himself out as soon as Akihiko said the word, and now he was crumpling down into a crying fit before the door even slammed shut. This was just the cherry atop a shit cake.

"Usagi-san, I have no idea where you even got the idea that I'm in love with Ijuuin-sensei." Akihiko noticeably tensed up at the name. "But, I harbor no feelings towards him except respect and mere admiration towards his work. Sure, I see him as a kind of friend, and I will continue to love his work, but it doesn't mean that I love him in the aspect you're thinking."

Akihiko perked up slightly when he heard the sound of the chair sliding against the wooden flooring and Misaki's hands were suddenly cradling his face, carefully wiping away the tears that had spilled out of Akihiko's violet eyes. "There has never been, and never will be, another person that I love as much as you. I'm sorry that I don't tell you, and that I try to fight off your affectionate advances towards me even now but I'm just still shy. I've never been in a relationship before, so you're my first for everything and that just kind of nerves me a bit. It always will I'm sure, and I'm still not positive as to when I'll be comfortable with everything you do to me or with me, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm sorry for making you nervous and doubting our relationship, and especially my love for you. Please, don't cry anymore or tell me that I can leave, because I don't want to."

Akihiko lifted his eyes and let out a dry sob of relief before taking Misaki's body into a strong embrace, his face tucked into Misaki's neck. "I love you, Misaki. I'm sorry for saying those things and making you panic. I'm also sorry for you having to comfort me over something that shouldn't even be an issue."

Misaki shook his head and placed a warm hand on the back of Akihiko's head, running his fingers through the soft hair. "Don't apologize. I'm glad that you were able to tell me about your insecurity, and I want you to promise me that if you ever feel insecure like this again to tell me," Misaki murmured into his ear soothingly.

"I promise," Akihiko whispered.

So, I wanted to just write a quick little something in a celebration of the new season! I watched the first episode just a couple hours ago, and I absolutely loved it! The animation was better than what it used to be -in my opinion- and don't even get me started on the intro and outro. (They were amazing!) If you haven't watched the episode yet, it's out with English subtitles and can be watched online. Enjoy it.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little angsty fluff, and I am going to warn you now that the next chapter I will write is going to be a death!fic, so be prepared for that. Please review, they make me happy.

Ja Ne!

(Btw, this is unedited, so I apologize for any mistakes!)