Of course it would be so easy for Hawks to agree to. Why wouldn't it? Miu isn't under any delusions that the baby growing inside her means much more to Hawks than a bargaining chip. The only reason he insisted Miu take some time to decide on whether or not she really wants to go through with the surgery might be due to some vague attachment, but Miu knows it's not the same.

When Miu makes the journey alone to the free clinic to get an ultrasound and talk about her options, she finds herself faintly in shock as she checks in, answers questions, and gets prepared for the pap smear. Not with the situation at hand, not with the fact Hawks' plan ended up working in his favor, not even that she's somehow back in the same situation as before.

Regardless of the familiar elements and the severe sense of deja vu Miu is experiencing, all the emotions she's having are nothing like the past.

Kaito had taken her to the clinic himself; they had held hands, him whispering reassurances, both of them making small jokes and catching each other's sad, loving gazes as they waited for the results and tried to come to terms with the decision they were about to make.

Miu supposes part of her attachment to the baby she let go was due to the fact they were part of the man he loved. Miu had no idea what would happen to her and Kaito's relationship. She was genuinely concerned about the future of not only herself, but her child's, their child's. It had been terrifying, anxiety inducing, Miu had agonized over whether she should even come clean to her family.

This visit to the doctor's filled Miu with emotions with comparative intensity, yet the most clear emotion was anger and betrayal. This visit felt more like a death sentence; and as much as Miu was pained thinking of the future a child of her and Hawks' would have being born to two damaged people in a sham of a marriage, Miu also felt a distinct sense of relief at the fact Hawks was not trying to force her to give birth. It seemed all he cared about was owning her; Hawks can dress up his kind words and optimistic promises however he wants to, but Miu won't be fooled anymore and she won't fool herself.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than thought.

"Morine-san, you forgot your signature here."

"Oh, sorry." Miu takes back the clipboard from the aid behind the receptionist desk. "Where?"

"Right here. And don't worry, just take your time answering. It's important we get down accurate information and details, so go over this carefully."

Miu really shouldn't need to be told to pay attention to the papers she's filling out, but her mind is admittedly somewhere else. When she had to use the ladies room to produce a urine sample for testing, it had taken all of her strength not to just sit on the toilet for an hour to avoid the inevitable. A home pregnancy test was one thing but this was an actual clinic; it made Miu's whole dilemma feel that much more real and she's already more than preoccupied with conflicting emotions.

Part of her heart is festering and cursing Hawks name, wishing they had never met and that she had just fallen to her death that night. Which really is awful, because Miu realizes that more than anything, she still loves Hawks. She's still in love with the man who did save her, who made her want to live again. Who showed her she deserved to. Who made her hope.

Miu sits in one of the old, hard seats to wait for the doctor to call her in for the ultrasound and wonders if it's the same seat she had sat in before. She doesn't recognize any of the staff she's interacted with so far; it's been a few years after all, so for all Miu knows, there aren't any of the same people still working there. So many people go in and out of the building and talk to them, Miu highly doubts any of them would recall her face among the sea of women they've had to deal with.

Miu wonders whether she'll ever come to this clinic with the intent to learn about prenatal care, childbirth, and carrying her child all nine months. She doubts it.

"Morine-san, the doctor is ready to see you."

Miu nods and muster a civil shadow of a smile; routine courtesy is as ingrained into her every day functions as breathing, even when her true thoughts are miles away.

Miu doesn't want to see the baby growing inside her. She doesn't want to know exactly how much it's developed and how far along she is or anything. She just wants Doctor Haru to tell her what her options for surgery is and schedule the appointment; if it's only been a few weeks, she maybe be able to skip another D & C and just take the pills prescribed to terminate the fetus.

"Baby killer. That's what some people think. You're a selfish, cruel baby killer who wasn't smart enough to keep her legs closed."

Miu wishes she could silence these sort of thoughts entirely, but she supposes she can't exactly control involuntary inner thoughts. What matters is that they don't matter anymore; Miu knows she doesn't owe anyone an explanation. How she feels is not wrong. Her decision, her life, is not going to be compromised anymore than it already has been. Whatever happens from here on out, it will happen on her terms.

And yet, who was it that encouraged such a bold attitude? Who was it to build the foundation of Miu's newfound determination to give herself the best possible outcome? Not even Kaito could do that; Miu hates herself all over again for acknowledging that she has lingering feelings for someone who's done so much to uproot all the things he instilled by influence.

In another world, maybe Miu would save herself more pain and keep the baby. She could live in the world Hawks' has in mind for her, the reality he's so certain she would live happily in.

A wife and mother, loved and cherished and protected.

"More like guarded. Or isolated. What else would he try to manipulate me into doing? And even if I caught Hawks beforehand and this whole thing really was an accident, it doesn't change the fact he fully intended on getting me pregnant, even after…"

The nights spent talking, the soft, slow moments where it was just the two of them soaking in each other's presence, the plans Miu thought they were going to work toward essentially meant nothing.

Miu can never trust Hawks again and she doesn't know what to do with that.

"Morine-san, how long has it been since the last time you've gotten sick?"

"Um, I threw up a bit yesterday. I've been trying to eat bland stuff to avoid upsetting my stomach, and it wasn't as much as the first couple of times, but…"

Doctor Haru nods, her eyes flickering over to the computer monitor; from what Miu can make out are some chart or graph or something with what she assumes is her blood and urine test results or medical history.

"What other symptoms have you noticed?"

"I've been having headaches. They're not so bad, just...uncomfortable. It feels like a dull pressure. And I feel tired. I've been trying to sleep better, but it hasn't helped much."

"And two days ago you took a home pregnancy test?"

"Yes."

"It was positive?"

"Yes."

"Did you read the instructions?"

Miu frowns a little. "Yes. I've used one before."
"I see."

Miu wants to ask exactly what is it that Doctor Haru sees, but she feels distinctly disconcerted at the neutral, yet casually composed expression fixed on the older woman's face as she spins in her chair to look Miu in the eye.

"Morine-san, the urine sample you gave us produced a negative result."

"Negative?"

"You are entitled to a second opinion and we could also do blood work and continue with the ultrasound if you want to be certain, but our results show that you're not pregnant."

"But I took the test before." Miu blurts out stupidly. "It said positive, I followed the directions exactly...how…?"

The doctor's voice becomes a bit softer seeing Miu's apparent panic; perhaps she's taking it as disappointment. "There's a reason it's suggested women who believe they're expecting should see a professional for consultation. It's rare, but not all home pregnancies tests are accurate. Your result might have been a false positive."

"But...but I've been throwing up. I," Miu swallows and blinks back the tears she didn't realize were coming. "I've been pregnant before and had the same symptoms."

"You said you've been experiencing nausea, headaches, and having trouble sleeping?"

"Yes."
"Have you been going through anything that would cause a lot of stress in the past month? It's not uncommon for depression or anxiety to manifest through similar symptoms. Like I said, we could run more tests if you feel the need, but if you want my opinion, you really don't need to."

To be safe, Miu insists on the ultrasound. Lo and behold, they find nothing in her womb; Doctor Haru offers to show Miu her results through a blood test if she's worried, but Miu tells her she's seen more than enough.

Miu leaves the clinic with a considerably lighter heart and a decision to make.