"Shane you've got to apologise," Lori said sitting down next to me.
"And just what the hell for?" I asked her annoyed.
"You know exactly what for, Shane. You broke her," Lori replied smacking me in the shoulder for added effect.
"When are you going to stop living through her and get on with your own life?" I growled, shutting the car magazine I was reading.
"If you and Addie are over, when are you going to stop reading her magazines, sleeping in her tent and serving her first at breakfast?" Lori smirked, probably feeling pretty proud of herself for that one.
"Where I sleep is my business, what I read is my business and I think given the situation she's in she needs to eat all she can get." I replied annoyed at Lori always sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.
"You don't even feed it to her, you just give an extra bowl to Carol like she's her nursemaid," Lori retorted. "She hasn't spoken a word since you stuck your foot in it and you need to stop blaming her because this is not her fault, it's yours. You were the one ignoring her calls, you were the one acting like a child when she first got here and you were the one going through her stuff and that's the why you found out the way you did. If you'd have just minded your own business you and Addison would still be together because I'm willing to bet you would have acted a hell of a lot differently."
"No I wasn't! And I wasn't going through her stuff. Like I told you before I was looking for this stupid car magazine for something to do and I accidentally stumbled across them. And I would have acted exactly the same, she should have told me as soon as she found out."
"She tried to but you kept ignoring her you idiot and you shouldn't have been borrowing her stuff without asking anyway!" Lori snarled at me. She could be scary when she wanted to be. "You're going to apologise to her and you can start by finding that ring you childishly threw away. You don't have to give it to her but you owe it to her to find it since she spent all that time looking and damn near killed herself in the process."
I sighed. I was hash and Lori was right but I was still hurt and nobody seemed to acknowledge that. I'm not being the bad guy just because I'm a guy, I'm right here. I'm not in the wrong. I guess I could go and look for the ring or something.
I got up from my lawn chair and headed down the hill to the quarry and stood where I was when I threw the damn thing. I picked up a rock and threw it the same way I threw the ring and I watched where it fell. I walked down to where it had landed and started looking around for the little silver ring. It was so dusty here it looked like I was going to be here a while.
"Hey Addie." Carl smiled as he stepped into the RV. He sat beside his old babysitter and picked up the book he'd started reading. He looked at the blonde who was lying absolutely still on the bed of the RV and breathing so relaxed that you could barely hear it. She hadn't moved from the position she had been in yesterday much except for when Carol had sat her up to feed her.
He didn't understand what catatonic meant but he assumed it was something like a coma and if he could just keep reading to her and talking to her then maybe she'd wake up.
"Mom said this was your favourite book so I decided to read this to you. We started it yesterday, I'm not sure if you remember but I hope you do." He started, his feet hanging off the seat, swinging as he spoke. She put the book up to his face and cleared his throat. "Some facts about Rosa Hubermann: She was five feet, one inch tall and wore her browny gray strands of elastic hair in a bun. To supplement the Hubermann income, she did the washing and ironing for five of the wealthier households in Molching. Her cooking was atrocious. She possessed the unique ability to aggravate almost anyone she ever met. But she did love Liesel Meminger. Her way of showing it just happened to be strange. It involved bashing her with wooden spoon and words at various intervals."
"Hey bud, you reading to Addie again?" Lori asked poking her head into the RV.
"Yeah, we've just started reading The Book Thief yesterday. She really likes it." Carl replied, smiling up at his mother.
"Does she?" Lori asked, smiling back at her son and coming into the RV to ruffle her son's hair.
"Yep, it's her favourite book and last week she said my reading was getting really good." Carl replied proudly, just last week his old babysitter and best friend had been walking around and talking and was happy and now she lay around all day.
"Did she? That's great. Maybe I'll stay and listen too." Lori grinned at her little boy and sat beside him in the RV.
"She's going to be okay, right mom?" Carl asked, looking up at his mother.
"Of course she is. She's just having a bit of a rough time at the moment. She'll get back on her feet in no time. You'll see." Lori responded to her young son.
"Hey Shane." Carl said as he sat down on a nearby rock.
"Hey little buddy." I replied on my hands and knees looking sideways into a gap between two rocks.
"What are you doing?" he asked swinging his feet while he sat on the rock.
"I'm looking for something." I replied, wondering if I should go find that torch Addison had last week.
"What?" He asked in response.
"A ring." I said with a sigh, getting up off the ground and heading back up the hill.
"Why are you looking for a ring?" Carl asked following me back up the hill.
"It's what Addison was looking for last week." I headed to the back of her wrangler and opened the back hatch raking around until I found the torch in question and headed back down the hill. Carl tailed me the whole way.
"Do you think that'll help her?" He asked skipping beside me to keep up.
"It might." I'll admit I'm not 100% sure if this will work or why exactly I'm doing this but I'm hoping it will work and I'm hoping when I find it I'll know what I want.
"Then I'll help you look!" He chirped, running down to the rocks we were at before staring through the gap from the opposite side. I shone the torch in from the top of the two rocks and we saw a glint of light reflecting off the torch beam. I couldn't quite reach it with my fingers so I pulled my knife out and slipped it in the crack, sliding it under the glittery object and pushing it up. I got jammed when it close to the top and I sighed.
I got up from the ground again and went to find as many able bodied men and I could find. I ended up with the Dixons, Morales and T-Dog helping out until I roped Glenn in too. Three of us to each rock and we had them lifted and pulled apart from each other. Once we'd put the rocks down Carl reached in and grabbed the ring, running up the hill straight for the RV.
I rolled my eyes and followed after him up the hill, just a few paces behind. I made it to the RV door when he was already inside and spilling his guts out to the catatonic girl before him.
"Addie, Addie, Addie! You can wake up now we found the ring you were looking for. You don't need to be sad anymore. And Shane helped. Mom told me that you were sad because Shane was mean to you but I think if he was looking for your ring it means he's sorry."
"but I think if he was looking for your ring it means he's sorry."
That thing was haunting me. I was being haunted by some cursed object of Shane's "affection" and I was never going to be free. He didn't love me and now I was going to be constantly reminded of the fact now his stupid ring was back in action.
"Hey little bud, you give me a few minutes alone with your aunt, Addison?" I asked stepping into the RV. He nodded warily and walked out of the RV and was probably going to wait right outside. I sat down on the edge of the bed beside her and I played with the ring between my fingers.
"Addie, I uh." I ran my hands through my hair, I placed the ring on the table beside the bed. "This is all really fucked up."
Normally Addie would have a witty retort for that but she hadn't said anything in a week. I thought she was just avoiding me but I never realised it was this serious. I also never realised I had to power to turn people into catatonic messes. You live and you learn I guess.
"We've got a lot to talk about and maybe I overreacted. Okay, I definitely overreacted and I was a dick but you hurt me and no matter how much of a jerk I was, you and your nosy friends don't get to decided that you didn't hurt me. And I'm sorry and I need you to get up now and slap me or something. Punch me in the face for being a jerk, tell me I'm stupid. I know I hurt you too and I'm sorry. Please come back." I pulled the red box out of my pocket and put the ring back in it's rightful place.
I sat beside her, hoping something would happen, hopping that like magic she'd say something or she'd sit up and everything would be like normal or as normal as things could get now the dead have risen.
"And I'm sorry and I need you to get up now and slap me or something. Punch me in the face for being a jerk, tell me I'm stupid. I know I hurt you too and I'm sorry. Please come back." I heard Shane say from near me. I did want to get up and smack him. But I also wanted to be as far from him as I could possibly be.
My body felt numb and I felt like I was missing bits of conversation, missing parts of my life. I had to move, to get up, to see something. I needed to stop feeling like a shattered vase.
I put all my energy into my legs, I just had to move a little bit. I took a deep breath and pushed with all my might.
My attention turned from the open door of the RV and the shadows to the woman laying beside me. Addison's breathing was heavier, more laboured and I was worried for a moment. Until out of the blue she sat up. Her feet hung off the side of the bed and she stood up. The first few steps were shaky and awkward but she made it to the RV door and I moved to follow her but she didn't seem no notice my existence.
I did it. My feet were moving, I was standing everything was great. I stepped out of the RV and walked out towards the fire. I was greeted with the stares of half the camp as I approached the group. I was a little confused as to why but I assumed it was to do with the argument I'd had with Shane, either today or yesterday. I couldn't seem to remember.
"Addie!" A little voice to the right of me called and Carl came running at me with open arms. I knelt down and held my arms wide just as he collided with me.
"Hey little bug, what's up?" I smiled warmly and rubbed the top of his head.
"I'm glad you're back." He breathed.
"Back? You mean from the run?" I asked confused, I was sure I'd seen him since then. I noticed I could walk without pain now, but I could have sworn I should still needed the walking stick. I rolled my ankle around a little and sure enough it felt fine. There was no pain and it wasn't bandaged anymore, odd.
"No, you were..." He started trying to explain himself.
"Carl honey, would you mind giving me a moment with Addison?" Lori asked her son, getting up from the fire. I saw Shane standing in the doorway of the RV, learning on the frame, watching me.
She lead me towards the forest some more where we would have some privacy to talk about whatever it was she wanted. I perched on a fallen tree while she chose to stand with her arms folded loosely around herself. She eyed me carefully for a moment before she decided to speak.
"Addison, what day is it?" Lori asked me.
"Uh, I haven't really been keeping track since the world ended. Uh it was the end of March when everything went to hell so it must be around the middle of July?" I replied, not really knowing what to say. I felt like I'd forgotten her anniversary or something.
She sighed, "No, I mean... What's the last thing you remember?"
"Uh I remember fighting with Shane and I remember him storming off somewhere and I just felt so broken that I collapsed on the ground. Is that what this was about?"
"Addie," Lori crouched down in front of me, putting herself at eye level with me. "That was a week ago, you've been staying in the RV. Carol's been spoon feeding you, Carl comes in and reads to you every day."
"What? No, I came home today or maybe yesterday? And I twisted my ankle and I argued with Shane but it hasn't been a week. It can't have been I don't remember anything." My voice cracked in my throat as I was getting more stressed.
"Darlin' you were in a somewhat catatonic state." Shane explained coming out of the shadows.
"What are you even doing here? I thought you said you were done with me." I all but yelled at him. I stood up from the log and tried to storm away from him.
"Addie wait!" He called half jogging to me and grabbing my wrist from behind me.
"Get off me," I shook my wrist free from his grasp, facing him now. "You didn't listen to me when I tried to explain myself, you didn't want to hear it because you'd already decided what I'd done and who I was. You'd already decided how you felt before you even let me speak. You had so many questions yet you didn't stick around to hear the answers. But you didn't even just decide how you felt, you decided how I felt too."
"Addie you didn't even trust.."
"NO!" I cut him off. "I do trust you, I do love you I didn't tell you because before last week I wasn't ready to. You don't seem to understand who I am, why I do what I do, why I act the way I act. You were so ready to marry me supposedly but you don't even know anything about me. It was my choice to have this baby, my choice. And it was my choice to come find you so you could be apart of it's life but I can see that I was wrong. I was so wrong about so many things but I don't regret my choice to try and get to know you before we tried to raise a baby together, before all the pressured that would add to a relationship." I tired to be strong, come out of my shell and I was going to stop taking the blame for everything, this was not all my fault and I was not going to be the girl I was when I was with David.
"Addie whether you meant to or not, keeping this from me was a bad call because you hurt me..." Shane started.
"I know I hurt you and I'm sorry but you hurt me too, and you don't get to decide that because I hurt you that you hurting me was okay. You don't get to ignore everything I say because you disagree, that's not how relationships work. I'm sorry you felt like I didn't trust you and that I was hiding this from you but I wasn't and you wouldn't have felt like that at all if you hadn't been going through all my stuff." I let slip a tear down my face, I hadn't noticed we were deeper in the forest now and Lori had left us to it. "You know most people in your situation would be mad and hurt but they wouldn't just give up and abandon me when I needed you most. And they wouldn't hurt the people they love because they want them to experience the pain they felt. It's wrong."
"I never meant for you to feel that way, Addie, it's not a question of what's right and what's wrong. We both screwed up here. But what it sounds like to me is you want to give up now too and we can't."
"You never cared to hear the other side, you never do. When I was trying to find you before all the world broke down you were so wrapped up in yourself you never spared a second thought to me or anyone else. So why would you even care to keep this thing alive." I sobbed.
"The baby?" He looked at me, hurt.
"No, us. Why would you want to keep going when you've already given up?"
"I'm not giving up! Not anymore, I was wrong I said that when I was hurt. When you broke my heart, but you have got to stop seeing me as just another guy like David! You paint me into the memory of all your pain but I'm not your past!" Shane screamed at me.
"I don't think you're the same, I know you're different but after the 10 years we were together I am broken and I've been trying to repair myself this past year on my own. I found you and you made me happy but you could never understand the demons that I face." I yelled back.
"Go ahead and bat your eyes and cry Addie, for everything you are you are just a little girl and you can't keep telling me that I would never understand you and how you feel when you've never even tried to tell me. You didn't tell me you were pregnant, you never told me you had another son, you never ever told me how you felt about anything!"
"Go ahead and believe that you're right, to keep away the dark and to help you sleep at night. Go on and decide who is wrong and what is right." I was fully sobbing now and I'd stepped back for him, I couldn't look at him and my head was down, hair hiding my face.
He stopped retorting and sighed, he stepped towards me and gently cupped my face. I flinched but he just pushed my hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ears. He wiped away some of my tears with his thumbs and looked at me with a softer face.
"Addie, stop fighting me about this. We need to move on. I'm sorry I hurt you and that I didn't listen to you and I'm sorry I fucked up by looking for some stupid magazine. I know I'm wrong about some things and I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough to know you'd tell me in your own time. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions but I'm human, I make mistakes. Despite all the fighting, we've got a good thing going here and if we can just keep it alive then I know we can be great parents and make all this work. But we have to do it together and we can't keep yelling the same things at each other phrased in different ways."
I sighed, looking up at him with a sniffle. "I know you're right about that. But I can't just magically make this hurt go away. We argued and we fought and that's over now but I still need to heal. You cut me deep with your words and I know I hurt you too. I need space Shane, and I need time." I replied eventually, no longer crying.
I took a step back and released myself from his hold before I turned away and headed back to camp. I went straight to my car and climbed in the back, laying down on the back seat with a blanket from the trunk and a pillow that I changed between hugging and laying on. I was restless and tired at the same time and I spent the whole night tossing and turning, no sleep at all.