Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious

01/01/2012.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I can't believe it's 2012.. the end of the world right? Anywhooo last night was amazing. Andre's super rich girlfriend hired out a hotel (yes an entire hotel!) and invited a bunch of awesome people from school including us since we're Andre's friends to celebrate the new year. There was a karaoke room, a cinema room, and three different dance floors. Chocolate fountains, a candy table.. it was crazy!

Jade arrived later than everyone else because she was apparently forced to go to a New years banquet at her Dad's girlfriends parents house. I asked her how it went knowing she'd been freaking out about it because none of Lara's family knew about the eating disorder. She didn't say much, just downing her drink and commenting 'hell.'

The rest of the evening we just spent dancing, talking, laughing with our friends. Nothing happened but at midnight we sort of pecked each other on the lips. It would have been weird not to I mean everyone around us was kissing. I blushed a lot afterwards and quickly escaped to the bathroom to calm myself down. Nope my feelings haven't gone. Definitely have not gone. But once I got back to the party, I somehow managed to act normal around her again and we all watched Robbie do some weird comedy sketch thing he's been working on.

Around 4o'clock in the morning we all crashed. Cat fell asleep spread across our legs. Her head on Jades lap and her body on mine. Not that we minded. We were completely exhausted too. I watched Jade gently run her fingers through Cat's hair, plaiting it and playing with the red strands and I can't describe how I felt. Like a weird combination of love, jealously, and this weird calming sensation. Jade can be so angry and isolate herself but then she always come back to this. This motherly, caring person. Eventually Beck came and picked Cat up so we could move and we all went home.

01/14/2012.

So I'm back in school and we're all getting back to the old routine. Thankfully Ryder hasn't said anything since he completely bullied Jade last semester or at least he hasn't said anything in front of any of us. I know what he said affected her because of the paper chain project. She still texts me every night in case you were wondering. Just one text at the end of the day with a colour. After Ryder said all that stuff there were a couple of whites. It terrified me but she seemed to pull herself out of it and went back to blue and purple.

Nevertheless she does text me whites every now and again and that scares me. I promised her when she started this thing that I would never get mad or upset which is why I never mention it even though I know, she knows, I know she still purges. I worry about her but I prefer that she tells me the truth. It's easy to assume she's completely better now since she has come so far and acts so normal. I guess I just need to remember she's still fighting a battle with it.

02/01/2012.

It was opening night of our play last night and honestly it went amazing! We had a full crowd and everyone laughed in the right places and seemed to get involved. Even though Robbie and Andre weren't in it they came to watch and afterwards all six of us went back to Cat's new apartment. Her roommate is that girl Sam from iCarly. I met her a few years ago at a party but it was nice to catch up again.

I have a slight suspicion however that Jade wasn't Sam's biggest fan. Or at least she wasn't a big fan of us talking for half an hour. She was pouty and weird with me for a while but eventually she returned to normal. But she wouldn't talk when Sam came over and offered us both chicken. She glared and Sam walked away looking a little put off.

"Jade.." I nudged her lightly.

"What?" Jade raised an eyebrow daring me to comment. I shook my head

"Are you jealous?"

"No." Jade said instantly. "I just don't trust her that's all."

"Right." I smirked. I really didn't understand why she was being so touchy about Sam. It wasn't like I flirted with her or anything and Sam is just a friend. And Jade is just my friend. It makes no sense that she's jealous.

02/07/2012.

Okay wow where to begin with this one. Today was intense in so many ways. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I'm over the moon happy about what happened today but it was also kind of an eye opener into the world of how anorexics see things.. or at least interpret things and I'm not sure I like it.

After lunch Jade pulled me aside and asked if I wanted to go for coffee after school like we used to. I said sure because I missed our little coffee dates and catch ups. Jade smiled before leaving to go to her class

We went to this coffee shop round the corner from Elsaridge park and sat opposite each other in a booth. At first it was just really relaxed and sweet like old times. We were talking and laughing and Jade showed me this video on her phone of Sam being really silly and pretending to be Harry Potter - it was really cute. But I could tell Jade had asked me here for a reason, I just wasn't sure what it was yet and she seemed uncomfortable about it when she finally did bring it up.

"Umm so I was talking to my therapist and I mentioned something.." Jade began. I blinked taken aback, she'd never discussed anything she'd talked about in therapy with me before.

"And she said I should try to talk to you about it." Jade looked as though she was testing me right now. Testing whether she could trust me with this.

"You can talk to me, whats this about?" I replied, trying to keep my tone very casual. Jade sighed and looked at me seriously.

"Okay I'm supposed to ask you this first. Are you comfortable talking about eating disorders?" Jade sighed. I could tell this was just some formality her therapist had warned her about but I hoped she already knew I was completely fine talking to her about this.

"Yes." I said firmly. Jade went silent and looked away.

"This is stupid and awkward." Jade pushed her coffee cup forwards threatening to get up and leave.

"No, no, no." I reached out and grabbed her hand. If her therapist thought she should talk to me about something then she probably should, besides she got this far. "Go on."

Jade looked super nervous and didn't meet my eye for a long time. I got the feeling this was something she'd wanted to talk to me about for a while but couldn't or she was scared for some reason. I didn't want her to be scared so I patted the space next to me.

"Sit here, then you can tell me and you don't have to face me if you don't want to." I suggested. Jade shuffled around until we were shoulder to shoulder with each other and I took hold of her hand waiting for her to speak. It took a while but when she finally did I was glad I waited.

"I want you to know that I really need you and you make me feel better." Jade said quietly "But sometimes I think that you like me more when I eat less." My stomach twisted in the most uncomfortable way as the reality of what she just said hit me. It was wrong. Completely wrong.

"What?! No not at all." I turned to look at her. She glanced at me nervously.

"Really?" Jade asked unsurely. My heart broke.

"Oh Jade." I hugged her tightly. I could not believe that she thought that.

"No just… no. I like it most when you're healthy and happy. And how I feel about you has nothing to do with what you eat. Why would even you think that?" I asked still holding her tightly.

"I just feel like the days I eat less you're nicer to me." Jade explained fragilely, "And since I came back from Valewood you aren't attracted to me anymore.

"If I ever did that then I swear it was not intentional." I said seriously.

"Okay. I'm really sorry, I wasn't going to say anything but…" Jade trailed off.

"Jade you can talk to me about any of this stuff. Any eating disorder stuff. It's ok." I assured her.

"Really?" She asked in that same vulnerable voice that literally wrenched at my heart.

"Uh huh. In fact I'd much rather you did." I confirmed. "And you know I'm attracted to you. I'm just.. giving you space."

"I don't need any more space." Jade nuzzled against my shoulder. I didn't even need to think about this anymore as I wrapped my arms around her body and just held her tight. We stayed like that for a while, snuggled together in the coffee shop. I could feel Jade drawing shapes on my thigh and it gave me shudders. I was still slightly stunned by what she'd been thinking all these months.

"So… I make you feel better?" I eventually loosened my hold on her and caught her eyes.

"Yes." Jade smiled, intertwining her fingers with mine. "Breaking up with you.. I made a mistake. I was just lost in the shadows of my eating disorder crap."

Deep down I knew this already. I guess it was the main reason I wasn't mad about the break up. At the time it was her way of coping and yes it hurt me. Yes it made me cry. But I never blamed her for it.

Jade went quiet again before finishing speaking to me. "I love you. And I want you to be my girlfriend again and to be yours." Jade stopped to gage my reaction. My eyes went wide as I took in everything she'd said. She'd completely let down her walls to me and it was the most beautiful moment of my life.

"I love you too." I confessed in a whisper. My lips found her's easily as we started to kiss and melt into each other. It was like everything went silent. The blur of the coffee shop gone and it was just us as we curled into each other and touched and kissed. We kissed for a long time.

"I mean it. I love you. And thats nothing to do with food. Ok? It's nothing. I just love you for you." I wanted that to get through to her.

"I understand." Jade nodded "It just takes me a while to get that sometimes."

"Well.. thats ok." I reassured her. She wasn't going to be able to turn off the way she figured stuff out. Not all the therapy in the world could undo an eating disorder in a couple of months. "As long as you know. You being healthy means the world to me."

"You too." Jade pecked my lips. I smiled and kissed her again, tasting the coffee on her lips and I felt things inside of me I honestly don't think I've felt before. She does things to me. In so many different ways and having her be mine again. It was just the best feeling in the world.

So yeah that's what happened today. I got home from the coffee shop and lay down in bed smiling like an idiot. I'm happy. Almost.. completely happy. The only thing I'm not so crazy about is her completely warped perception of how I value her.

It's weird. And I know that's not a nice way to put it but it's the only word I can think of that describes accurately her thought processes. But at least I got my girlfriend back and I will make sure she knows that her weight, what she eats, what she doesn't eat is completely separate to my feelings for her.

Jade texted me about ten minutes ago. I opened it and smiled when I read it

Purple :*

And I just texted her back :*