"I'm so afraid to love you

But more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh, you gave me life,"

~I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan

The closer we got to Forks, the more I realized the creeping feeling that made me tense and jumpy all at once was nervousness. It took me even longer to figure out why.

In my already fragile state, was being somewhere that could only remind me of what I'd lost really going to help? Wasn't it more likely that it would force me deeper?

Or, perhaps even worse, would Forks hold no memory of my father at all?

But the closer we got, the more I realized that wouldn't be a problem.

At first, it was just a sense of déjà vue. The encroaching field of green felt familiar, like I'd driven down this road, staring out the passenger side window before. The view was slightly different, of course. The last I'd traveled this road, I would have been a lot shorter and probably pressing my face against the glass. I remember my father's exasperated sigh.

"Fine. Smudge up the windows. It's you who's got a date with the Windex when we get home."

On road trips, Charlie would tell me stories he'd heard from his friends on the reservation. For me, these forests would always be full of magical, powerful creatures.

Of course, I refused to go into the woods for fear of being eaten by giant wolves.

The town, in my memory, seemed much bigger, but I'd been a little girl when I lived here. After living over a decade in Phoenix and Los Angeles, the smallness of the town was a shock to my system.

"It's ... nice," Edward said as we drove down the main street.

"You don't have to be polite on my account," I murmured, staring out the window.

"No, it's really nice. Tranquil, even."

"There's a lumberjack right there on the corner," I said, pointing rudely. "That's an actual lumberjack, Edward."

He chuckled ligtly. "Are you hungry?"

I wasn't, but then I hadn't really been hungry since Phoenix. Because I hated seeing the worried look on Edward's face, I ate when he suggested it.

At stop at the gas station told us that Forks didn't have many places with sit down service. That's how we found ourselves at the Forks Diner. And I did remember the Forks Diner.

As we were seated, I remembered the scores of times Dad ruined one meal or another. The waitress used to know us - though that probably wasn't hard in this town - and would make me chocolate chip and blueberry pancakes in a Mickey Mouse shape even though it wasn't on the menu.

"What are you smiling about?" Edward's soft voice interrupted my memory. His thumb came up, smoothing away a tear I didn't realize had gathered in the corner of my eye.

Before I could answer, the waitress came by.

"Hey, folks. How are you doing? My name is Jessica-"

"Jessica Stanley?"I interrupted.

She paused, her eyes looking more closely at me. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

I chuffed a little. "Not really," I said honestly. "Um... the last thing I remember was a sleep over. It was at your house. You, me and-"

"Angela," Jessica finished. "Oh my gosh. You're Bella Swan." She surprised me by throwing her arms around me. Shocked, I kind of patted her back. "I missed you for so long."

~0~

The town hadn't forgotten my father, not by a long shot. During the course of lunch, Jessica told us how once, the bank her mother worked at was held up by an incompetent, high on everything teenager. Charlie had talked him down without any backup. She talked about my father like he was a super hero.

Jessica pointed us in the direction of Mike Newton. He was also in town, working for the summer at his father's store. I remembered Newton's Outfitters. More specifically, I remembered being bored and grumpy while Dad checked out new fishing poles. Everyone who knew who I was had a story. Everyone.

If Edward hadn't been there to coax my stories out of me, I'm sure I would have been mute by the end of the day. It was only too easy to get lost in the tangle of thoughts. There were so many things I'd pushed to the edge of my mind without realizing it.

Just wandering around the town, we ducked into an antique store. For a while, I was distracted. Edward's face took on a whole new light as we perused the store. I watched his hands caress the edges of old books and other items. His lips were pursed, and I was enraptured by the far away look on his face.

When he caught me looking he started talking. His father loved to collect books. Their house was once lined with books. Esme Cullen had once made a living revamping old homes. Suffice to say the Cullen children had spent their fair share of time in antique stores.

We rounded a corner and I stopped short, catching a flash of something in a tarnished old mirror. It took a minute to figure out what I was looking at.

It was her - that girl I sometimes saw in the mirror. Me - I tried to make myself see it, but the reflections wouldn't quite line up. It had been so long since I'd seen her.

I could understand why she popped up again here. I saw her because this is what the others saw when they looked at me. The Chief's young daughter. How they must have wondered about me over the years, wondered if I'd been able to overcome the death of my father.

Standing in front of them, I suppose it looked like a happy ending. More than one person we ran into had raked their eyes over Edward's form and grinned at me. Handsome, smart boyfriend... and I was obviously in one piece. It gave the impression that I was doing well...that I hadn't fallen apart.

It was an inevitable domino effect. Earlier that day, Mike had re-introduced me to Tyler Crowley, who was about to inducted onto the police force. He idolized my father and told me that he would be proud. I'd initially dismissed it. Staring at my reflection, his words suddenly came back to me.

For the first time, I began to wonder if that saying was true - that my father could look down on me from heaven. It was meant to be comforting but in reality, the prospect was horrifying. I hadn't really stopped to ponder my viewpoints on heaven and hell.

"Talk to me," Edward whispered the minute we were behind closed doors at the hotel, and I realized suddenly that I hadn't said more than a word or two since the antique store. He sat on the bed and opened his arms.

I think I surprised us both when I climbed over him, settling onto his lap instead of cuddling up beside him. In his arms, with my nose breathing in the scent of his skin, the world didn't seem as big. In fact, the world dwindled down to just the two of us, and I could find my words again.

"I was thinking that my dad would be ashamed of me."

His entire body went stiff for a moment before he relaxed, letting out a long breath. "Bella," he said quietly, "you are so absurd. What on earth would your father have to be ashamed of?"

I chuffed. "I think the shorter list would be what does he have to be proud of?" He stayed quiet, letting me gather my thoughts. "When I left Phoenix, I left because I didn't know what the rest of my life was supposed to look like. I still don't. I worked at a dead end job and now I don't work at all. And yeah, I know I went through... a lot. But that's not an excuse. I mean, look at you. After everything, you still became something."

Edward shifted me, cupping my face in his hands so he could tilt my face up. His eyes were sad as they searched mine. "Do you understand how much braver you are than I am? Do you know how I got into nursing?"

I shook my head and he sighed, pulling me back against him again. "My father was a doctor," he murmured. Of course, I knew that but I didn't interrupt him. "I idolized him from a very young age. It was all I ever wanted to do - be a doctor. But I don't know, Bella. Kids say those kinds of things all the time. I don't know if I ever really would have wanted that." He shrugged, jostling me slightly. "And everything happened..."

I put my hand in his, squeezing because I knew it was so hard for him to talk about. I could feel the light tremor of his body with even those simple words, and the way his heart began to pound erratically in his chest.

"It was easier to just keep answering that I wanted to be a doctor when people asked me about my plans. If I ever really thought about it, I couldn't see my future... so I didn't think. I just kept moving forward." His voice was so far off. "But I knew right away that I couldn't do it... all the school. Concentrating enough to pass a class was... daunting. Exhausting. Maybe I could fight my way through a couple of years of school - but enough to be a doctor? No."

"I don't understand how that makes me brave," I said, confused.

"I wasn't living, Bella. Not at all. I was going through the motions, doing just enough so Alice wouldn't need to worry." His free hand came up, and he ran the backs of his knuckles against my cheek. "You ran away from that, when you left the campus of the college. Maybe you hadn't figured it out yet, but that was your goal, wasn't it? To figure out who you are and what you want?"

He shifted then, moving carefully so he was laying down and I was still cradled on top of him. "You should have seen some of the other people in that clinic," he murmured. "What you went through... it could have destroyed you. Or you could have been like your mother who is honestly too weak to break the cycle. You... that's what you're struggling for, and it takes so much more strength than anyone should need to have."

I listened to the steady beat of his heart, turning those words over and over in my head. I didn't really believe them.

But I wanted to.

"Your father would be so proud of you," Edward finished. He kissed my forehead lightly. "I'm proud of you."

~0~

The next morning, Edward asked carefully if I wanted to go to the cemetery where my dad was buried. The thought sent an instant chill through my body. I simply wasn't ready.

Instead, we got on the road to First Beach where I remembered visiting my father's friends. I told Edward stories about falling in the tide pools and though he tried valiantly not to, he laughed at the mental image.

As we wound down the highway, Edward pointed out the dash. "There are people...jumping off those cliffs."

I looked where he pointed, jumping slightly in surprise as a vaguely human-shaped blur hurtled itself off one of the too high cliffs. "Holy crap," I muttered.

"Idiots," he said, shaking his head.

We continued down to the beach, parking. Like everything else, First Beach felt all at once familiar and strange to me.

"Hard to believe this is the same ocean down in LA," Edward observed.

I scoffed, thinking about how the beaches back in California were doubtlessly crammed with women in bikinis, men in shorts and little kids digging in the sand. Meanwhile, Edward and I were wearing sweaters.

The scenery was unmatched though. The pebbly beach and the cliffs set against the gray sky were just gorgeous. We hiked a little, finding the tide pools from my memories. True to form, I almost fell in as I leaned over them, distracted as I was by the the sea life that had been caught. Edward kept his arm around my waist whenever I peered into one of the pools. It made my heart warm because I remembered my father doing much the same.

We made our way back, and I was about to suggest it was time to tuck into the Subway sandwiches we'd brought with us when a voice interrupted the little bubble we were in.

"Bella Swan?"

I spun around so fast, I nearly fell. Edward, as always, was there, steadying me easily. This time, though, he kept hold of my hand, his body automatically tensing as we watched three boys make their way over to us. I understood his caution. Obviously, these were the maniacs we'd seen diving off the cliffs. They were all three shirtless, and seemingly oblivious to the sharp pebbles beneath their bare feet as they jogged toward us. The one in the middle was grinning so widely it was unnatural. He was the one who'd called my name.

He looked familiar, somehow.

"It is you!" he crowed excitedly. For one terrifying moment, I thought he was going to hug me and I cringed closer to Edward. The boy stopped just short of us, tilting his head. Then he laughed. "You don't know who I am, do you?"

"Uh?" I said helpfully, grasping at pieces of memory. If he lived on the reservation, it was doubtful he'd gone to school in Forks. I only remembered some of my playground buddies and even those memories were vague.

"It's okay," he said easily. He stuck his hand out. "I'm Jacob Black. Your dad and my dad were friends. You and I used to play together a lot. Well - you, me and my sisters, Rachel and Rebecca."

"Jacob Black... as in Billy Black?" I blurted, surprised I could pull that name out of my brain.

"He's my dad," Jacob said, nodding. He gestured to the two other boys. "This is Quil and Embry by the way."

Still a little stunned, I only barely remembered my manners when Edward squeezed my hand. "Oh. This is Edward Cullen."

Jacob's eyes darted thoughtfully between Edward and I before he offered his hand to Edward with a cocksure grin. "Nice to meet you, bud."

"Likewise, I'm sure," Edward muttered, though it sounded like he meant the exact opposite. I worried, for a moment, that Edward was intimidated by the boys. They were only a few years younger than us, and almost as broad as Emmett. But no, the way Edward shook Jacob's hand didn't seem nervous. It seemed...

Challenging? Somehow.

"Why don't you two come home with us?" Jacob suggested. "We were just about to get some grub, and I know my dad would get a kick out of seeing you," he said to me. "Plus, you know, if you need proof about who I am, we have pictures of us rolling around in the mud in our underthings." His eyes darted mischievously to Edward and back to me.

Edward's jaw seemed to be set in a tight line. He turned slightly to me, a curiously wicked grin on his face. "You know I never miss a chance to see Bella in her underthings."

I raised an eyebrow, completely shocked at those playful words. Despite the cool weather, my face suddenly felt hot.

Was he flirting with me?

I tried to put the thought aside, especially since I found myself in a tiny house, surrounded by people. Billy remembered me, and his eyes shone as he talked about my father. He called another man - Harry Clearwater - and his wife.

I felt a little like a fancy car everyone stopped to look at. I'd have thought it would make me feel self-conscious, and it did to a certain extent. But it also felt like maybe, if I stretched myself just enough, I could fit in with my father's friends. Like maybe I would have belonged there.

But even as I listened to the stories - and all of them had stories - my mind kept wandering back to Edward's little comment. It wasn't hard to do given that he was acting strange. Possessive. Not in a scary way, but his body language was practically screaming at the younger boys: Back off! in neon.

It didn't feel wrong.

More than that, it awakened parts of me I'd been ignoring. Sure, we'd kissed - played the outward part of boyfriend and girlfriend enough that most people spoke about us like we were. We rarely corrected them, though the title didn't necessarily feel comfortable. But this was the first time Edward had ever referred to whatever this was directly.

Did he want to see me in my underthings?

In some ways, especially given all the things that had happened to him, it felt wrong to have those thoughts about Edward. To that point, I'd dismissed them outright, feeling guilty every time I wanted to touch him or imagined our kisses leading to... more. He deserved someone who could make him happy. He deserved someone who was more... complete.

But we were both learning how to communicate. I knew that I owed it to him - and to me - to have this conversation out loud. It was time. We really couldn't escape it any longer - not when I continued to hold his hand and let him kiss me. For fuck's sake, I climbed into his bed without asking now.

"Edward?"

Flipping through a few brochures he'd found in the hotel's front office, Edward's, "Hmm?" was highly distracted.

I took the brochure from his hands, and his eyes met mine, confused and concerned. "What was that about today? The way you were acting with Jake and the other boys?"

His eyes went wide, nervous, and he looked down at his hands. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Edward," I said, my voice warning. I tried to keep my tone gentle because I didn't know if I was hitting a hard issue for him. I couldn't know unless he told me.

Edward shifted so he was sitting on the edge of the bed instead of propped up against the headboard. I sat beside him, giving him enough space to be comfortable. So much time went by that I started to say something, just to reassure him I wasn't mad, I just needed to know, but he held his hand up.

"Just let me talk a second, okay?" He waited until I nodded. "I was kind of hoping to put off this discussion for a while, but..." He blew out a huff of breath as if steeling himself. "Bella, I don't want you to feel any pressure. But you're right to want h-honesty from me." He smiled wryly. "Eventually, you're not going to want to live in this limbo space."

He shifted on the bed so he could face me, taking my hands in his and playing with my fingers so he wouldn't have to look up at me. I could feel the slight vibration in his hands, and I wished I could soothe away his fears. Didn't he know by then that he could tell me anything?

"You know I have no idea how to do this." His voice trembled slightly. "I didn't know... I didn't know I was even capable of feeling this way until I found you. I thought this part of me was ... broken." He chuffed, the sound defeated and sad. "Given what I did to you-"

Knowing he was talking about our previous sexual relationship, I interrupted him quickly. "What we did to each other."

He looked up, his eyes searching mine for a moment. "What we did... I guess that part of me is broken. Bella... God, I can't even tell you what..." He swallowed hard, searching for his words. "I never wanted to hurt anyone. But you... I wanted... I thought of..." He closed his eyes. "I wanted to be able to touch you like my father touched my mother. It wasn't... I mean, it didn't matter if he was just tugging her hand to get her attention or kissing her. It was all so... I don't know. Pretty? I guess?

"And when we kissed, I thought maybe... maybe I could do it. Maybe I wasn't ... irreparably damaged like that." He exhaled shakily, cursing under his breath. I knew he must have hated feeling so vulnerable, let alone rehashing an event that had pushed him to suicide.

"Edward," I whispered, wanting to get closer to him but not knowing if I should. "I didn't know either. I didn't know how to ... feel for you." I took a chance, scooting closer. He didn't flinch away from me. "I didn't want it to be that way either."

"It was ugly," he said, his voice barely a breath. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"What do you want?" I asked softly, scooting another inch toward him. "What do you want now?"

He didn't answer immediately, instead closing the last inch or so between us. He still hadn't opened his eyes. "I know what I want." His voice wasn't even remotely confident. He opened his eyes and the look there reflected his fear but also... "Bella... I know it isn't fair, and probably I shouldn't even be thinking about this when I... I'm so fucked up."

"We're both fucked up," I murmured. "But we can get better. We're getting better now. Both of us. Right?" I was babbling. I knew I was babbling. It didn't seem to stop me, but I knew.

He caught my hands with his. "I... I love you," he blurted the words. "I don't know if it's fair, but I do." He laughed, the sound nervous. "And you deserve so much more than someone like me. I know that."

"Well... fuck that. Fuck what you think I deserve. And what you think you deserve for that matter because I am not a fucking jewel." I had no idea where the vehemence in my voice was coming from. If I were being honest, my heart was beating out of my chest. But I knew how much it took for him to tell me those things, and fuck... we could both use a little bravado. "I want you." I said the words like a revelation because they were to me. "I love... I love you."

Once the words were out of my mouth, this feeling of complete serenity settled over me. It was like finding a piece of the puzzle that was my life that fit perfectly, snugly - there could be no question that it belonged there. I'd gone back and forth for ages as to whether I made the right choice when I cut my hair, but telling this ridiculous boy that I loved him was simplest thing in the world.

I watched his eyelashes flutter as he blinked sporadically. His lips quirked - up down, up down, up down - in rapid succession. Finally, he settled on happy. Better than happy. His entire face lit up, his smile so wide it must have hurt. "Bella," he whispered, the sound so reverent it made me shiver.

Then we were kissing... voraciously. Deep, passionate kisses that were still sweet because holy hell... this boy, this beautiful, fucked up man loved me. Me. And I could feel it in the air between us and the way his lips moved with mine and his hands brought me closer.

We made out for hours. We made out until we fell asleep.

~0~

"I have no business doing this, do I? Trying to be in a relationship when I can just barely be me?"

I'd woken up a little after dawn, wrapped in Edward's arms. He was still fast asleep, his face so peaceful. The urge to just lay my head on his shoulder and go right back to sleep was strong.

Unfortunately, my brain was awake. Way awake.

And holy shit what were trying to do?

So I called Jasper in a little bit of a panic, but he wasn't answering my question. "Jasper!"

"Baby doll, you have to give me a second to turn my awake on," he mumbled into the phone. There was a rustle and a yawn. I tapped my foot impatiently, trying not to go out of my skin. Finally, he answered. "Okay. Try that again. And please fill in all the blanks this time."

Calming down slightly, I told Jasper about the kisses... and Edward's possessive behavior around the La Push boys... and then...

"Oh," Jasper said.

"It's stupid, right? We're being stupid. I mean... neither of us knows how to do this." Where were we supposed to learn? Love to me had always carried with it the promise of pain. I'd loved my father and lost him. My mother and James were supposed to love me, but look how that had turned out. And Edward...

I remembered what Jasper had told me - about how children who'd been molested often grew up to have unhealthy sexual relationships. Sex was about power, not the beautiful give and take that could exist between two people.

"Bella, I don't think anyone knows how to do this," Jasper said. "And admittedly, I think you and Edward have a lot of uh... road bumps. But you know, the flip side to that is that you understand him and he understands you in ways that a lot of other people couldn't. That's a definite plus in a relationship."

I calmed down another iota, leaning against the Volvo and trying not to let the hope that had begun to, once again, blossom, in my chest overshadow rational thought. "But the timing. I mean... he just... we just..."

"The timing could be a lot better," Jasper said honestly, and my shoulders began to sag. "But that's the thing about life, sugar. It's not going to wait until the situation is perfect. Not ever. You and Edward... you're very smart. You make mistakes, but I think if you learn from them and help each other, you could be a good thing. A very, very good thing."

~0~

We'd been in town about two weeks. I still hadn't plucked up the courage to go see my dad in the cemetery, but I'd spent time with just about everyone in town who used to know us. You'd think that a town as tiny as Forks wouldn't be so interesting, but the forests, beaches and rivers kept Edward and me entertained when we weren't visiting.

And the nights...

For two weeks, we were like giddy teenagers, tentatively exploring each other like we were virgins all over again. In all honesty, we were, because we'd never done this. Slowly, we were replacing preconceived notions that equated sex with pain and ugliness, with sweetness and...

Oh, my God, the pleasure.

With my back against his chest and both our legs spread wide, I discovered a whole new reason to love his gracefully long fingers. He loved hearing me, watching me, knowing he could make me beg. "God, yes. Please, Edward. Please. Please. Edward, please." He loved it, and as inhibited and shy as I felt at first, I loved that it pleased him. I loved the way his lips kissed the side of my head as he rubbed and stroked me to orgasm.

Reciprocation was not, at that point, an option. Once, because I longed to bring him the pleasure he brought me, I wrapped my hand around his length without thinking, without asking. Believe me, I only did that once.

It wasn't that he freaked out. He didn't really. I just watched the pleasure and love in his eyes get mixed with anger and the ugliness. He fought it, but our time that night was tainted.

Taking Jasper's advice, I made sure that I learned from my mistakes. When I was kissing him, straddling his legs as he sat propped against the headboard, I asked him what he wanted, how he wanted me. He pointed to his ear. "Kiss me here," he said in a whisper.

I kissed the shell of his ear and then sucked it gently into my mouth. I had no more idea what I was doing than he had idea what he liked, but it felt right. I loved finding new ways to touch him, and to make his breath shudder as it did then.

So I cupped his face and kissed his stubbly jaw. His lips. The tip of his nose, and then the shell of his other ear as I repeated the motions. His hands were at my waist, his fingers occasionally drumming against my bare skin because I had taken my jeans off though I was still wearing panties and a button down shirt.

When my lips reached his again, he groaned into my mouth, his movements becoming slightly more aggressive. I backed down, letting him lead. With his hands at the small of my back he pushed forward, still kissing me as he laid me down. My hands threaded in his hair, pulling his head down so I could keep kissing him as he braced himself on his arms over me.

After a few minutes of that, our bodies writhing together, he broke the kiss. We were both breathing heavily. I stroked his cheeks with my hands, seeing that look in his eyes that meant he was thinking about something. As much as I wanted to continue – his body moving over mine was nothing short of fantastic – a prerequisite of us being together was knowing we had to talk any time we needed to.

Any time.

"Do you know what today is?" he murmured.

I blinked dumbly at him, trying to clear the lusty cobwebs away from my brain. "Um? Like the date? It's the twentieth. June 20," I supplied.

He smiled at me, that tender smile that gave me goosepimples because I couldn't believe it was for me. "It's my birthday."

That one sentence left me breathless and scrambling. "What?" I felt like a tool. Of course. He'd gotten a call from both Alice and Emmett. Both calls he'd stepped away to take. I'd assumed it was because I was talking with Angela Cheney nee Weber. How could I not have known. Wait… "Why didn't you tell me?"

His eyes searched mine, and I could see he was nervous about something. I ran my fingers along the back of his neck as soothingly as I could. "Because there's only one thing I want…"

The way he said those words, the meaning wasn't lost on me. My breath caught in my throat because the way he was looking at me then… the intensity in his eyes… "What do you want?" I whispered, though I already knew.

He leaned in, his lips brushing my forehead and then the tip of my nose. "You. Always you."

My heart beat like horses hooves against my chest, the feeling almost painful because it also felt full to the point of bursting. "You can have me. You know that," I said, my voice shaking. It was a forgone conclusion that I was his, like it had been written before I even knew he existed. And since I'd had an IUD put in after that whole debacle - I already had a laundry list of shit to deal with, not having to think about birth control for five years seemed like a no brainer - there was nothing else to think about.

He kissed me again, his breath stuttering out over his lips as he did. "Bella… I don't know…" He swallowed hard.

Like I knew.

I turned my head to the side, tapping the side of my neck with two fingers. "Kiss me here."

He did, his lips moving slowly as I tilted my head back. I loved the feel of his mouth against my throat. I don't know why. The skin there was so sensitive and his touch was always gentle. And Edward loved the way his little kisses made me sigh. With my hands on his shoulders, I could feel the tension ease from his body. He settled onto one side, propping himself up on one arm as he kissed me.

When he was relaxed, I took his hand, guiding it up my body to press between my breasts. I squeezed his fingers briefly before I moved my hands to the back of his neck.

Edward's breath was hot and uneven against my neck as he paused for a moment, then his shaky fingers began to unbutton my shirt. I pulled his face up, needing to see his eyes, needing to see he wasn't pushing himself.

He wasn't. The look in his eyes was one of awe, not of discomfort.

If we were anyone else, it could have been embarrassing. We were the antithesis of smooth, our hands and fingers bumbling and fumbling along as we undressed each other. And the look in Edward's eyes when he got all my clothes off for the first time was just like a kid on Christmas morning – all wide eyes with a goofy grin. I giggled at him and felt beautiful instead of ridiculous.

When it came down to it, we were both so tentative. I could see he was shaking, and I was too. Of course I was. My body still remembered that sex was painful. It was what I wanted at the time, but I didn't want it now. All of that night and the last two weeks had been so wonderful, I didn't want that ugliness to pervert the beautiful thing we'd created and worked so hard for.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, stroking the hair away from his eyes. As nervous as I was, I still wanted this. I yearned for him.

He nodded and closed his eyes as he leaned down to kiss me again. Resting his forehead against mine, he sighed. "I love you."

"I love you, too," I murmured back, spreading my legs as I felt him at my entrance.

He moved inside of me with hesitant strokes at first, his eyes on me like he was sure I was going to scream in pain. But when I whimpered, biting my lip to hold on the full on groan that threatened when we were fully connected, he relaxed against me, letting go and letting the pleasure take him.

It was clumsy. We were clumsy. But it was perfect because it was him. Us. In the insanity of this ugly world, we'd found something beautiful. Maybe we'd fucked it up at first, but this was right, and it could only get better.

Watching Edward come as he hoarsely called my name was the highlight of my life to that point.

~0~

Another week went by, and I sighed as I thought about the passage of time.

Edward, sitting across from me at the diner, ran the pad of his fingers over my arm. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing really," I said, looking out the window at the sleepy town of Forks. "I was just thinking that we're going to have to remember the real world sooner rather than later."

When he didn't answer right away, I looked back to find Edward looking studiously at his plate. He pushed the food there around, his expression thoughtful. "You know... this is the real world. Forks exists."

I tilted my head. His tone was too serious for me to think he was teasing.

"You know, my dad used to tell me that Mom wanted to move to a small town. He said as soon as we kids were off to college, he was going to move her away from the big city." He smiled wanly. "She would have loved it here. Maybe it's stupid, but sometimes I think... if he'd picked up and moved us here when he wanted instead of waiting, and if your dad hadn't died, what then?"

I had to smile at the image. "You mean, maybe we would have met that way? Without all the bullshit?"

"Maybe," Edward murmured.

"So, what does it mean?" I asked, still a little confused.

He looked at me, his eyes contemplative. "We could make a life here, couldn't we?"

For two seconds, I forgot to breathe.

Live in Forks? My first instinct was to say it was impossible, but as my thoughts became unfrozen, I couldn't figure why.

Why couldn't we live in Forks. Or, what was doubtlessly a better question, why shouldn't we live in Forks?

It was the only place that had ever felt like home. Away from the big cities, which could be loud and nerve wracking, among the green forest and gray sky, I could imagine finding peace. And the people here - they saw me as I wanted to see myself. Maybe I could never be the girl in the mirror, but I could remember what parts of her I wanted to keep, and which parts I should let go.

It was time to move on from who I should have been and who I was to become who I wanted to be.

I reached out, taking Edward's hands in mine, somehow not scared about the journey because I knew I wasn't alone. I never had to be alone again. I could never be so lost again if there was someone there to anchor me.

"Yeah. We could be good here."

A/N: Many of your remaining questions will be answered in the epilogue, but this is the end of our story. I'll leave all the mush for after the epilogue which I hope to post before the week is out. We'll see. I'd like to update ALL my stories before my bday (which is on the 13th (Edward and Bella's anniversary!))

I love barburella and jadedandboring.