Dear Spencer,

I'm sorry it has taken me a few days to write back to you, but I want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you or the promise I made to you. I understand that dreaming about being hurt again is very scary. I'm so sorry you've been reliving that. Sometimes, I have bad dreams, too. Something that helps me is to think about it like this: nightmares are the way our subconscious deals with trauma. It's our brain doing its best to get rid of the bad memories that haunt us. So, while it is definitely scary, try to reframe it in a new context and see if that helps. Also, you're always welcome to wake me up if you need to talk, or for comfort. That's what I'm here for.

To close, I have a few questions to ask you. Feel free to answer them or not. There is no pressure. Just know I am asking because I love you and I want to know how you're doing.

What is your favorite thing you and your mother, the literature professor, did together?

If you feel ready, will you describe your anger? What do you wish you could say or do to the people who hurt you on the football field?

What is your current favorite food?

When you feel powerless, how do you cope?

Name a positive memory that you have associated with each person in our family?

Love, Mom

Dear Mom,

I like reading your thoughts about nightmares. It is nice to know I am not the only one who has them. It is also helpful to think about the fact that I have a healthy subconscious that's doing its job even while I am sleeping. I still don't feel comfortable waking you up at night because I know you don't get a lot of sleep anymore and adults need at least seven hours of sleep a night to feel at their best and you have not had that for a long time.

I will now answer your questions.

1) My favorite thing my mother, the literature professor, and I did together was reading, As I stated in my consequence letter to you, I could read from the age of three, but I always very much enjoy being read to. If you would like to read together, I would be willing to do that. Perhaps we can each make a list of some books we especially enjoy? I would like to share that activity with you and I don't think my mother, the literature professor, would mind.

2) My anger is quick and strong and red. It makes me feel paralyzed. I said all I wished to say to the football players on the field that day. I just wish they had listened to me. Sometimes I think up revenge fantasies about what I might do to them if I ever grew bigger and stronger than I am now. But then I think about how they are bigger and stronger than me, and how much damage they did to me, and it doesn't sound like a good idea to perpetuate violence because I was hurt. At least, that's what my counselor is helping me see.

3) My current favorite food is actually the combination of chocolate shakes and French fries. I love the combination of sweet and salty. You should try it sometime. Maybe let JJ try it, too?

4) When I feel powerless, I don't cope. I react. It is something I am trying to work on in counseling. If I feel threatened, instead of ignoring it or lashing out physically, I am working on acknowledging it. Anger and powerlessness are interconnected for me, so I work on going through my trauma, feeling triggered, and breathing through the feelings. I try to count my feelings down like I used to, but that feels slightly primitive. She (my counselor) also tries to convince me to raise my voice. To scream and really express myself, but it's as if my lips are glued shut. I screamed before and no one heard me. I screamed until I was hoarse and it did no good. It just made me feel more terrified. So I've been trying. But so far, nothing's come out.

5) I can only do one positive memory right now and I hope that's okay. A positive memory that I associate with Derek is that he noticed that I was in trouble before anyone else. He's always been like that. Very attentive. I appreciate that very much about him and I feel discouraged that I can't seem to be around him without feeling physiological signs of stress.

Please don't write me back about my answers to questions two, four or five. I just want to know you read them, that's all. It was very cathartic to write, but I don't think I can handle anyone else's reaction to my most personal thoughts. Thank you for the intriguing balance of positive and negative, past and present, in your questions to me, though. That was very helpful. When I think of some questions, can I ask you?

Love, Spencer

Spencer stuffed the notebook into his mom's giant purse, just as he did every time it was her turn to write in it. When it was his turn, she stored it in his school bag. So far, writing was working pretty well for getting his thoughts across, and he liked reading what his mom wrote back to him and having concrete proof that she had paid attention to his words.

Now, it was after dinner, and that meant it was time for their mom to visit JJ again. Spencer had to stay home and do schoolwork, and chores because he was still on restriction. It was a boring existence but at least, with Penelope and Derek home, it was a little more interesting. They had totally opposite philosophies. She was very laid back where Derek was uptight about things like chores and keeping the house going the way it should be. Sometimes, Spencer just liked to watch them disagree. They even fought over what to have for dinner. Penelope was insisting they order something and Derek was equally adamant that they finish the leftovers.

"Derek, those leftovers? They've probably been in there for weeks. They're not going to be any good. I promise."

"Oh, come on," he scoffed, "Leftover spaghetti's always good!"

"Not if it's mold is growing mold!" she shouted back, taking the container from his hands. "If you want to do us a favor, clean the fridge out later, I'm sure Spencer can help you."

"Hey! I didn't volunteer!" Spencer objected. Mold was disgusting, even if it was intriguing.

"We got food here," Derek maintained.

"Yes, and it's old. So, let me order pizza and be done with it. I don't even know why I'm arguing with you when I'm the oldest," Penelope grinned, grabbing her cell and punching the number that was on the refrigerator magnet.

She ordered two large pizzas and Spencer crouched in front of the open refrigerator skeptically.

"Spencer, don't mess with that right now, all right? Wait 'til after dinner," Derek advised.

"Well, what do I do now? I did all my homework and I'm not allowed to go on the computer for fun."

"Go play outside," Penelope encouraged.

"It's winter," Spencer shot back.

"Gabe and Jack got a bunch of kids running around next door. Go hang with them," Derek suggested, speaking of the pair of seventh graders who had lived next door for as long as he could remember.

"Gabe and Jack Taylor are twin terrors," Spencer muttered, even though they were the farthest thing from it. "They're having some primitive snowball war. Gabe's the strength and Jack's the strategy. It's always two against one and it's never fair."

"Sounds to me like you and Jack could pair up and become one giant mega brain," Penelope smiled. "Jack Taylor's a smart kid. I already bought tons of cookie dough for their boy scout troop because he was so convincing. And Gabe laid on the guilt about Mr. Rossi not buying any this year, and how that really hurt their sales because he was usually their best customer."

Like clockwork, there was a knock at the door. Gabe Taylor stood on the front steps, his cheeks bright red from the cold, blond hair in his eyes, and braces glinting as he grinned. "Hey, Spencer! Do you and Aaron want to play? We're getting our butts kicked out here!"

Spencer fought not to roll his eyes. It was painfully obvious in moments like these just how little he had in common with other kids his age. He didn't know the first thing about snowball wars or what kids his age actually did together. Plus, Gabe and Jack went to public school. So, that automatically made Spencer distrustful.

"Jack's at the base, holding them back with our supply of ready made snowballs, but the neighborhood kids are really tough competition. Oh, hi Derek! Hey, Penelope! Do either of you guys want to come help us defend our snow fort?"

Spencer peered over Gabe's shoulder into the distance. There was tiny, pale Jack, bundled in winter gear. He threw snowballs with the precision of a mathematician, but clearly, he didn't have enough power. He was the opposite of his brother in every way. But they were friendly enough.

"No, thanks, bud. Maybe next time," Derek said easily. "But Spencer could play with you guys until our pizza gets here. Then, what do you say? You and Jack wanna come and eat with us?"

Gabe's smile grew even wider. "I'll have to ask our mom, but I'm sure she'll say yes. Come on, Spencer! We need you! You're the only one who can help us!"

Spencer smiled a little. It felt good to be needed. He threw on snow pants, a coat, a face mask, gloves and boots and shouted to Jack that reinforcements were on their way.

"Hold your position!" Spencer shouted, and dove into the snow fort.

"I'm getting destroyed out here!" Jack gasped. "What took you so long?" he asked turning accusatory eyes on his brother.

"Spencer didn't wanna come at first. But I convinced him. And Derek invited us for pizza," Gabe grinned, throwing snowballs according to Jack's exact specifications.

"Okay," Jack said, breathless. "I have a plan. Spencer, I need you to take over relaying the coordinates to Gabe. I'm going to sneak over there and see how much of a supply they have left."

"Won't you need a diversion?" Spencer asked, more into this game than he ever imagined.

"Oh, right. Gabe, go be a diversion," Jack directed, waving a hand at his brother.

"Okay! Wait. What is that?" Gabe asked, looking comically confused.

"Do something to distract them," Spencer explained. "So they won't see Jack spying on them."

Spencer found himself laughing hysterically at the sight of Gabe drawing the other kids' attention, by shouting, "Hey, you guys!" and then trying to dodge every snowball, in an athletic and unexpected manner.

When Penelope called the three of them inside to eat, Spencer promised Gabe and Jack he would always be on their team. If they ever needed him, all they had to do was stop over.

Aaron sat quietly, watching Spencer and the Taylor boys talk animatedly about some kind of battle strategy. Gabe and Jack were good kids, but it was no secret that Aaron still didn't trust Spencer. Penelope and Derek had done well so far, at keeping their eye on Spencer, but Aaron couldn't shake his nerves.

After dinner, when Spencer, Gabe and Jack convinced Derek and Penelope to join them in their snow fight, Aaron offered to stay in and start cleaning up. No, he insisted, he didn't mind at all. Cleaning was relaxing. But the minute the door closed behind them, and Aaron heard a rebel yell from Penelope he got to work. He put plates in the sink. He wiped the table. He swept the floor. But in between each task, he went to the refrigerator and quickly and silently removed a container among the Tetris of containers, which he then rushed to his bedroom.

It made him feel terrible. Out of control and frighteningly in control all at once, and he wasn't exactly sure why he was doing this, only that he had to. It was the food they were planning to throw away anyway, so Aaron was hoping they wouldn't miss it.

He glanced out the window, and saw the three youngest boys forming some kind of perimeter around Derek, so he could move slowly to their fort without being hit by any snow. Aaron wished he could join in. But he had never been that kind of person.

Instead, he kept doing what he felt he had to do. He cleaned the kitchen to the point of spotlessness, like he had for Dave, and he hid away the leftovers in his room, hoping no one would miss them.

A/N: Gabe and Jack Taylor are original characters, and are here based on a suggestion from musewars that Spencer should have some friends his age to play with. Thoughts on them? Their influence on Spencer? Spencer and Emily's notebook? Penelope and Derek? Aaron? Look for some more in depth Derek and Penelope in tomorrow's update. Thanks again to everyone who reads, reviews, favorites, alerts, etc. You're all super-appreciated!