"Have you talked to Lucas lately?" Clay asks as we sit in the living room.
"No, why?" my head snaps up to look at him as I worry on my lip. I don't want him knowing about me and Lucas, especially since it's over.
"His dad was at practice yesterday," he informs me. "Things seemed a little heated…"
"Oh…" I add more pressure on my lip trying really hard not to care about that. I know Lucas's dad, well I don't know him but I know he doesn't come around often and when he does they are not under good terms. Plus if daddy dearest is around maybe that would explain his moodiness the last few days.
"Yeah… I don't know what it was about I just know it wasn't good," he tells me and I just nod spinning the spoon in my cup. "But hey you want to go to Riggy's?" he jumps up dropping the controller by his feet.
"Umm…"
"Come on Brooke," Michael runs his hand over the arm rest of the couch looking down. "I've been here a few days and you've spent them locked in your room. Come hang out with us, please?" he glances up at me and I see tons of things I don't want to see race through his eyes.
"Alright," I cave standing up. "Let me go change real quick," I tell them and they nod as I head upstairs.
"Oh my god," Haley laughs holding the napkin to her mouth. "Shut up, you are so dumb," she shoves Nathan's face from her and he gets a grin.
"You love me," he rolls his eyes slamming his mouth into hers making her squeal before kissing him back.
I want that. I realized that the last thirty minutes of watching them go back and forth that I want that with someone. Honestly I want that with Lucas. No matter how out there that want may be, I want it. I want the laughing and flirting and kissing and touching, I want all of that. I miss him. I miss him a lot and it makes my heart physically hurt right now not having him.
"Oh Brooke we were thinking in a couple of weeks going to my parents cabin," Haley informs me. "We already talked Clay and Quinn to come, you think we could get you to join?" she questions with a slight smirk and I wonder what that is about.
"Uh…maybe," I tell her shifting slightly in my chair. "I'll see what's going on…"
"You have nothing going on," Clay leans back in his chair, his arm along the back of Quinn's. "You should come; it would be nice to get out."
"I'll think about it," I shrug pulling my sleeves over my hands and sinking back in my chair kinda wanting to go home.
"Book!"
The voice travels through the small room and my heart tightens in my chest when I turn to see the little dark haired girl moving towards me.
"Cupcake!" I grin standing from my chair and moving towards her.
"Dats me!" she throws her arms around my leg and looks up at me. "You miss me?"
"You know I have," I reach down to pick her up, her little arms wrapping tight around my neck. "I've missed you a lot," I admit knowing I've missed her tons. One of the worst things about not seeing Lucas anymore is not seeing Lily. I can't help it. I got attached to her, it's hard not to. "Hi Lucas," I look up at him and he just completely dismisses me and slides passed us to the table.
"Hey man what's up?" Nathan leans back in his chair to greet his brother.
"Nothing…just getting some pizza with Lily," he flips the menu in his hand as he reads the back and I just walk over taking my place beside Michael and Quinn.
"Clay!" Lily giggles reaching for him.
"Lily!" he mocks taking her from my arms.
"Hi!" she pushes a big wet kiss to his cheek making the table laugh.
"Hi," he chuckles. "You go swimming today?" he tugs one of her wet pig tails and she giggles.
"Yup, yup. Lukie and Dani take me," she tells us and I cut my eyes over at Lucas who just grabs his phone from his pocket and starts playing with it.
"You like Dani?" I question and finally Lucas's eyes dart over to me, just sucks they are slanted into a glare.
"Dana is great with Lily," he informs me and I resist slugging him. He doesn't have to be an ass to me.
"I'm sure she is," I flip my hair over my shoulder. "But I'm going to get a drink," I rise up from my chair. "Lucas would you or Lily like anything?"
"I'll get it," he pushes his chair back standing.
"I don't mind getting ya'll something…" I tell him and he just grumbles something before walking away from the table. "Isn't he just a ball of fun all the time?"
"I think things are hard from him right now Brooke," Clay defends as he holds Lily and she picks some fries off his plate.
"Well things are hard for everyone at some point and they aren't assholes," I scuff and hating the feeling of wondering what could be wrong with him. I hate I don't know and hate he won't talk to me about it. He never talks to anyone about his feelings and I can't think it's good holding it all in.
"Two please," I hear Lucas tell the girl behind the counter as I approach.
"Luke…" I touch his shoulder and he slightly jerks from me. "Are you ok?" I retract my hand and move to face him.
"Fine…" he grumbles fishing out his wallet from his back pocket.
"You don't seem fine," I comment and his eyes snap up to mine, turning stormy gray that makes a shiver run down my spine. "Clay said your dad was at practice…"
"My dad is a prick," he growls and I nod very aware of that.
"I know that but if you want to talk I…well I'm here," I give a slight shrug and I see that thing flicker again before he shakes his head.
"We aren't friends remember," he states but there is something else there. It like saying it actually hurts his feelings.
"I…I never said that…" I defend quickly not sure where he got that whole we aren't friends thing. He keeps saying that, like I had said it but I know I never really spoke those words…well I didn't mean to imply that. if I did I feel terrible because I wouldn't do that. I want to be his friend... I want to be more than just his friends. "I wouldn't say that…"
"It doesn't matter Brooke," he cuts his eyes over at Michael laughing with Clay before back at me. "Honestly none of it matters…"
"Yes it does…" I tell him quickly. "We can be friends Lucas; we were good at friends…" I tell him thinking I would take being friends. It drives me nuts not being anything with him. Least friends is something. "Please?" I shuffle a half step towards him and he looks down at me with a frown.
"I've got to get this back to Lily," he grabs the drink beside us. "She will get grumpy if I don't get it to her…"
"Lucas…" I frown grabbing his arm to stop him.
"I need to get this to Lily," he repeats running his eyes to my hand then back at me. "I just…Lily wants her drink…" he mumbles before pulling away from me and heading back to the table.
"It was just a yes or no question," I frown thinking in the time he said he had to go he could have said something. Something better than what he did. "Thanks," I drop some money on the counter when a drink appears in front of me and with a frown I walk back over to the table and drop down. Lucas's mood completely changing as he starts to laugh with Lily and talks to everyone else.
"You ok?" Michael leans in close giving my leg a squeeze and out of the corner of my eye I see when Lucas's eyes cut over at us before going back to Lily. His jaw clutching slightly and his fist tightening before releasing it. I see the deep breath he pulls in to relax himself and I don't get it. If Michael touches me gets him like that why won't he just admit it? You don't get jealous of someone you don't even see as a friend.
"Fine," I frown sliding my chair a little from him not wanting him that close with Lucas here. Tossing once again a glance at Lucas as he laughs. I just don't get it. I don't get how it is possible to care so much about someone and they just not care about you at all. How can he sit all smiles when I'm sitting here feeling as someone has completely stumped on my heart. I mean I didn't experience all that on my own. He was there, he shared the laughs and looks and talks. So how is it fair I'm the only one hurting? That is such shit! That is so unfair! What a cruel game.
"Lukie!" Lily giggles as I tickle her on the couch. We just got back from eating dinner and I promised her a movie before we went to bed. She is in a really happy mood right now and I like that. I prefer a happy baby then a sad one. Plus I know she was happy to see Clay and Brooke. Even if that was the very last thing I wanted to do to see her light up with them around I couldn't tell her no.
It's so awkward being around Brooke and I don't know why. I've been with girls tons of times, had many little flings and it really never was awkward. Even if we hung out again it didn't seem weird but with Brooke it does. Just being around her I feel…annoyed. And maybe that isn't even the right word…because she doesn't annoy me. Just everything that happened sucked.
After she opened up about Jack. I felt this need to protect her from everything. I felt like I was doing a good job of that up until that damn party. It was like everything I had done didn't mean anything because she couldn't even give me the courtesy of admitting to liking some guy. We just got into some stupid fight and bam she is with someone else. Could have at least told me...
Not that I really care…it was just some sorta thing we had. I just don't like getting screwed over.
"Ok," I laugh out of breath falling back beside her on the couch. "You make Lukie sleepy…"
"I sorry," Lily flipped on her side to look at him. "We watch movie now?" she props her chin on her fist as she rests the couch. Her hair falling over in her face and I swear she looks identical to my mom right now.
"I love you Princess," I tell her reaching up to knock a curl from her face. "I love you more then I love anything in this world and I'm sorry…so sorry for so many things," I apologize and see her face turn confused before breaking out into a giggle, the most innocent giggle I've ever seen.
"I lub you too Lukie," she kisses my cheek and I smile. "Now can we pwease have pink berry?" she begs putting on those big puppy dog eyes and sticking out her little lip.
"Yeah Princess," I kiss the top of her head and ruffle her hair. "I'll get you some pink berry," I head over towards the kitchen to get her some ice cream.
"Lukie! Door!" Lily yells from the living room and I really need to talk to her about her inside voice. She has like one setting…loud.
"Got it Lily," I tell her when I hear her pull in a deep breath just imagining her going to yell again. Shaking my head with a chuckle at my baby sister as I jog towards the door. "What are you doing here?" my whole body tenses up at the person before me.
"I…well… I was told to come by and get Lily," her eyes dart down and my temper rises.
"What do you mean get Lily? Why would you have to get Lily?" my jaw clenches looking at the small woman before me.
"He asked me to pick her up Lucas…" she rings her hands together nervously. "He wants her to come home…"
"That is bullshit!" I snap and watch Leah cringe.
"Lucas…honey-"
"No!" I yell, gripping tight on the door resisting slamming it. "He can't tell me I can have her and then when he gets mad take her. He is mad Leah, he doesn't want her…He is just pissed at me…"
"Sweetie I know but I can't do anything," she offers a slight shrug. "He wants her home…"
"He won't even take care of her…He will just ship her off to you. Why can't I have her if he doesn't want her?"
"Lucas, I don't know. I just have to take her," she shuffles her feet forward and I twist my body in front of the door.
"No! You can't take her," I argue, blocking her entrance.
"Lucas…" her voice calm and caring but I don't care, she can't take her.
"Look he doesn't want her; he just doesn't want me to have her. He is pissed at me," I tell her knowing that's it. He doesn't want Lily, he just wants to take her from me to hurt me, he knows that's the only thing he can do.
"Lucas, honey you are seventeen. You can't take care of a baby and he knows that and you know that. I mean what about school? You can't keep missing school to take care of her."
"I don't miss school. I have a sitter for her during the day and when I get home," I explain. Yes I mean sometimes it tough and I have missed a couple days when Dana couldn't watch her but on those few times I had help with Brooke. Not that that mattered anymore.
"Lucas…" her pale blue eyes look almost sympathetic for me but I don't believe her. I have slowly learned to trust no one and if she was at all sympathetic she wouldn't take Lily from me. "Sweetie money is going to run out sooner or later. You can't take care of you two."
"Yes I can!" I snap.
"Lukie?" I hear her voice turning to look over my shoulder at Lily standing there clinging to her stuffed dog.
"Princess go back to the living room, we will watch the movie in a minute," I plead, her bottom lip trembling as she looks passed me at Leah. She isn't stupid; she knows that Leah wouldn't be here unless one thing was happening. "You can't take her," I look back, a stern look on my face and a clinched fist by my side. "In three weeks I will be eighteen and get the trust fund mom setup for me. I will get a better place and if it makes you happy put her in proper daycare but you can't take her from me. She is all I have left, please don't take her."
"Lucas," she drops her head giving it a shake and I think she might agree, I think she might say ok I think that until she opens her mouth saying, "There is nothing I can do."
"But he doesn't want her! I want her! I am all she knows!"
"I know honey, I do," she gives my shoulder a squeeze.
"Please…" I beg, watching her walk into the apartment and towards Lily. "Please don't."
"Lily, honey…" Leah ignores me, kneeling down in front of Lily.
"Lukie and I are watching a movie," she tells her, her arms tight around her dog's neck. "We have pink berry…"
"I know, I know sweetie," she places her hands on her shoulders. "But you are going to come with me for a little while," she forces a smile and Lily's eyes widen.
"No!" she shakes her head, her little curls bouncing all over.
"Lily…"
"No!" she screams making Leah flitch, Lily's little eyes pooling with tears. "Lukie say I good I stay! I've been good!" her face flushes and body trembles. "Lukie I been good!" she pulls away from Leah running over to me.
"I know," I swallow hard, a tightness building in my throat. "I know you've been good. You have been very good," I drop down taking her in my arms.
"I stay with you," she cries, tears rushing down her cheeks. "Lukie I stay. I be good, I be better!" she promises and my heart breaks. "I take bath! I won't fight, I take bath!"
"Lily…" I close my eyes taking a deep breath.
"I clean my toys and my room! I…I won't eat pink berry anymore!"
"Oh Princess you can eat pink berry, its ok," I give her a smile and her bottom lip trembles as she sniffles. "But I need you to listen to me ok?" I place my hands on her sides and she nods. "You're going to go with Aunt Leah-"
"No!" she yells shaking her head, tears rushing out again. "I stay with you."
"You're just going for a little while. Not long I promise," I look up locking eyes on Leah. "In a few weeks I will get you back," I stress and Leah drops her head shaking it again.
"I don't want to go," she wipes her hand over her eyes.
"I know baby, I know you don't," I pull her into me. "But you are going to come back. I just need to do some stuff. I will come get you when I'm done."
"But I be good," her arms tighten around my neck and I slam my eyes shut. "I be de best."
"You are the best," I kiss the side of her head. "You are the best ever, Princess," her body shakes in my arms.
"Lucas…" Leah gets up walking over to me.
"In three weeks I'm taking her back," I inform her, standing up, rubbing my hand up and down Lily's back. "I don't care what you say," I wave my hand at her when I see her about to talk. "In three weeks I will be eighteen and I will fight for her back."
"Ok," she caves, reaching for Lily.
"No!" Lily's nails dig into my neck, clinging tight. "I stay! I been good!" she screams, her feet kicking.
"Lily, sweetie come on," Leah fights giving me a look for help. "Lucas…"
"No," I shake my head just as defiant as Lily. "You are taking her away from me so don't ask me to help you."
"Lily…" Leah lets out a long breath and I would actually feel bad for her if she wasn't doing what she was doing right now. "Come on honey," she locks her hands around Lily's little wrist peeling them off me.
"Lukie I've been good!" she cries, wiggling in Leah's arms to get away from her.
"I know," I choke on my words, kissing her hand.
"I'm sorry Lucas," Leah apologizes yet again moving towards the door. "I'll come back tomorrow and get her stuff," she tells me quickly walking and shutting the door behind her.
"Lukie!" Lily cries and my whole heartbreaks, "I be good! You promised if I good. I been good!" her cries come from the other side of the door and I slam my eyes shut, resting my head against the door. "I been good," her sobs become further and further away.
"I know,' I call through the door. "I know you have," a hot tear slides down my cheek. "I know."
Laying on my bed I stare at the ceiling. I never realized all the patterns before, all the ridges and curves, the groves that make nothing unless you squint; like its own crazy work of art that the builder created. I wonder if they are all different, like a finger print or a snow flake I wonder if every little design that looks the exact same at glance have their own little changes; something that makes them unique and different from the rest.
In a way the different groves are like life. Yes I know it's a far stretch but it can be related. There are hundreds of similar looking marks just like there are hundreds of similar looking people. They all walk together, look the same, wear the same expensive clothes and plastic smiles but in a way are different. That deep down they have something in their life that sets them apart from everyone else whether it's a good thing or bad, major thing or small.
"And I'm going nuts," I let out a dry laugh.
"Because you are talking to yourself?" the all too familiar smirk trails into my room. "Because that I agree is a little nuts," he moves into the room.
"Sometimes talking to yourself is best, least I know I'm listening and not going to say something I don't want to hear," I shrug, sitting up on my bed.
"What's going on with you Brooke? You are never this mopy."
"You haven't been around me in months Michael," my tone flat. "You don't really know how I've been lately, maybe this is just the new me."
"Well it sucks," he leans up against my dressers, arms crosses over his broad chest. "What do I have to do to get the old Brooke back?"
'Rewind and not come here' I let a dry laugh at the thought. I can't be positive because I'm never positive on anything but I do believe if Michael was to have never come back I would still have Lucas. Yeah my feelings towards him are still not positive and I know I will never be sure on his for me but I do know that I wanted to figure it out.
"Really Brooke what is it?" he walks over and sits next to me on the bed.
"Nothing," I shake my head, flipping the old teddy bear in my hands. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've just been feeling off lately," I run my hand through my hair.
"Off huh?" he creases his brow and I nod. "Well that's not good," he lets out a huff and I mock it, exaggerating a little and making him laugh. "We all get a little off sometimes Brooke, but I know you, I know you will figure it out," he slides his hand up my thigh and an all too familiar feeling bubbles up in me, a feeling I don't want to feel because it will only complicate everything a little more.
"Yeah," I stand up, his hand dropping. "But I think I'm going to head to bed soon," I lie but I just need him out of my room and I definitely need him off my bed.
"Ok," he gives a half smile standing up and walking towards me, making my heart race. "But know I'm here Brooke," he rests his hands on my shoulders and I nod. "I'm always here," he says low, taking a piece of hair and brushing it from my face.
"I know you are," I swallow the large lump in my throat and slam my eyes shut when I see him toss a glance at my lips and I have to shake my head. "Don't…" I plead, slowly cracking them open to look at him. "You can't, not again, not anymore."
"How many times have you said that before?" he lets out a dry laugh, shuffling his feet closer.
"A lot, but this time…this time things are different," I tell him. "Things are too complicated and I can't add that to it, not again."
"And the other night?" he questions and I drop my head.
"I don't know," I admit not knowing why I kissed him, why I let him kiss me.
"Well," he drops his hands from my body and takes a step back. "Let me know when you do?" his statement comes out more like a question and I just nod. "Night Brooke," he leans down and my breath catches when he presses a kiss to my forehead.
"Night," I whisper closing my eyes feeling the warmth of his body disappear and hear my door shut. "God…" I slam my head against the wall. Why are things so complicated? Why do I let my life get so complicated?
Running my hands over my face, I walk out of my room and down the hall to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I wash my face and brush my teeth before heading downstairs to get a glass of water. I hear Michael and Clay laughing in the living room as I pass and I just shake my head confused. I don't get how Michael can be all up in my face like he just was to head downstairs to play video games and laugh with my brother. Here I am my mind going nuts and he acts like he doesn't have a care in the world.
"Boys," I roll my eyes, getting my water and heading upstairs, walking back into my room and my eyes widen at seeing the blonde on my bed, face in his hands and leg bouncing up and down, a habit of his. I slam my eyes shut and open them again, blink a few times assuming it was a dream but when I open them he is still sitting there, not noticing I entered the room and clearly thinking. "Lucas?" I whisper, slowly shutting my door behind me so my brother and Michael don't hear. "Lucas what-?" I go to ask until his head lifts up and his look scaring me a little. His eyes are puffy and there are red blotches along his normal flawless face and his eyes, they are just so…so empty looking.
"I'm sorry, I know you don't want me here," he tells me, his voice sounding rough and broken. "I just…I don't know what to do," he drops his head back in his hands.
"Lucas…" I move across the room quickly, dropping down next to him on the bed. "Lucas what is it? What's wrong?" I place my hand on his shoulder, sitting close enough to see the water in the corner of his eyes as he looks down.
"They took her," his voice breaks. "They took her, they took Lily," his head turns to look at me.
"Oh Lucas," I pull him into me, wrapping my arms tight around him, his head dropping onto my shoulder.
"She begged me to keep her, she kept saying she was going to be good," he tells me and close my eyes only imagining how that went for him. "She wouldn't stop crying and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I'm losing everything," he says and I drop my head to rest again the side of his; running my fingers through his hair. "Everything that matters to me I'm losing," he repeats and a part of me, a selfish part that shouldn't be thinking about me right now kinda wants that to include me, but I don't say it, I can't say it.
"We will get her back," I promise. "There has to be a way and we will figure it out and we will get her back."
"She's never going to trust me again," he says and I shake my head.
"No," I grab his face to look at me, his so close I fell his nose graze across mine. "She understands," I tell him, my eyes locked onto his and my heart breaking at how much pain is in them. "Lucas she loves you more than anything, you are her big brother, her Lukie," I get a small smile at the last one. "She knows you love her; she knows she is your world," I make clear, stroking my thumb back and forth across his cheek. "She knows," I repeat lower, moving my thumb to go across his lips. God I miss those lips.
"I'm sorry I came, I just didn't know where else to go," he repeats to me.
"I know," I give a small nod. "I'm glad you came. I…I love Lily and I would want to know."
"She loves you too," he lets out a breath, it washing across my lips. "I'm sorry I was such an ass to you earlier…To you a lot… I've just…" he glances down shaking his head quickly. "I've had a lot going on…"
"It's ok…" I offer a slight shrug. "Asshole is like your default setting," I tease and he cracks a small dry smile. "She is going to come back to you," I tell him and he nods. "I promise," I pull him into a hug, not being able to have his face that close to me. Things are bad right now, things are real bad and really complicated and the last thing he needs while worrying about Lily is me, us, no matter how much I wish that he said something other than she just then.
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