A/N: Woah! An update in only a week! It's because I cheated, I had most of this chapter written a long time ago. It's a little bit of a throwbacks chapter, but not like happy tattoo-highschool-alwaysandforever throwbacks (actually there's one of those at the end) but it has more to do with past events in this story that Nathan and Haley just kind of dealt with and ignored without getting any kind of real closure, which they realize they need when they home after being away.

I want to thank everyone who reviewed, favorited, subscribed--thank you so much! you keep me writing and it really means so much. I especially want to thank Oreo-PeanutButter-Macaroni for going through and reading and leaving a review for every single chapter. you are AWESOME. i loved hearing your thoughts on each update and I'm so glad you're liking the story, please keep reading!

Also, I've been thinking about giving out sneak peeks, like a little scene from the next chapter (in true OTH style haha) so if you want one just let me know in a review or something and i'll be sure to PM it to you when it's written. so we'll try that out. Anyway, enjoy & let me know what you think!

twenty one.

"Home!" Jamie yelled, speeding into the house, and greeting all of his toys as if they'd been through a painful separation. He finally landed on the couch with a sigh. "I missed this couch," he said, stretching out, his bliss interrupted when Haley yelled, "Shoes off the furniture mister!" He kicked them off, not caring where they landed and Haley rolled her eyes with a laugh.

"I missed this couch too," Nathan agreed, and pulling Haley on top of him plopped onto the large couch.

"It is nice to be home. Let's just stay here like this and never leave?"

"Fine with me," Nathan smiled, squeezing his arms around her as she laid her head against his chest.

"You guys are gonna get gross now, aren't you?" Jamie asked hesitantly.

"Yup," Nathan answered and they both laughed as Jamie sped off with a "see ya!"

"So you want to get gross with me now, huh?" Haley asked playfully.

"Well that came from an innocent mouth, so the extent of gross is up to you."

She pretended to consider. "Let's go outside."

He turned to look at her. "Uh, Hales, to do what?"

"Oh, stop it, not that. It's daylight. I want to enjoy the warmth that I've been without for a whole week, let's go," she said, getting up and pulling his hand.

When they had reached the patio, she raised her arms and took a deep breath. "Sun," she sighed contentedly, and turned back at the sound Nathan's chuckle. "Isn't this nice?" she asked.

"I think it's too hot," he replied. "Although there is something that will solve that."

Before she could ask him what, he swooped her up into his arms as she squealed "Nathan!" and jumped into the pool with her.

"God, Haley, that was one high-pitched scream," Nathan complained when they came up, holding his ear.

"I can't believe you just did that!" She laughed, splashing him. He smirked at her. She shook her head, and looked down at her soaked clothes. "I really liked these jeans."

"I'll buy you a new pair," he promised, moving towards her. She moved back as he did so until she was backed against the wall. "Deal."

"Great," he said, mere centimeters from her face. "Now come here." His arms were around her then, and his mouth on hers. Their lips moved in perfect synchronization and his hands roamed all over her while hers ran up and down his back. He ran his tongue along her lips, Haley instantly opening her mouth to him. "This would be a lot sexier if we had bathing suits on," she whispered against his lips, and his head fell back in a laugh as he moved his mouth to her neck. "I did just buy a new bikini," she pressed.

That caught his interest. "What color?" he murmured, still kissing her neck.

"Red. Very skimpy, too." He groaned against her skin, and the vibration it caused sent a shiver down her spine. "I'd never wear it in front of Jamie," she continued. "Or anyone other than you, for that matter. Of course I got a mom bathing suit too." His head fell on her shoulder in frustration and he left a brief kiss there. "Haley," he sighed, and she smiled sheepishly in response. "Shut up." So she did.

Hours later, Nathan and Haley were lying with each other on a lawn chair watching Jamie shoot hoops on their small court. Haley cheered every time Jamie made a basketball and laughed when Nathan joked around with him until Jamie finally persuaded him to get up and play one-on-one, but her heart was hurting in a way she hadn't felt, or let herself feel, in a long time. The week with her family had been wonderful, and a great distraction from everything she needed to get away from. But back at home, watching Nathan with their son, she was right back at square one. And as much as she tried to push it away and focus on her current life, the joy Nathan and Jamie brought to her, she couldn't. All she could think was that there should be three blue-eyed boys playing basketball, not just two. There should be an even smaller version of Nathan trying to block his big brother's shot. There should be a little boy running up to her and blaming Jamie for not playing fair. She forced herself out of her daydream and looked away to stop the tears welling in her eyes from falling.

"Ha!" Jamie yelled in excitement, "Beat you again, Dad!" Nathan smiled and high-fived him, but noticed that several baskets had been made and Haley had not once pretended to know what was going on. Jamie, who, let's face it, was the favorite, had won the game and Haley hadn't jumped from her seat and lifted him into her arms. "Give me a sec to go check on your mom, okay Jame? Shoot around a little," Nathan said, never looking away from Haley's silhouette in the sunlight. When Jamie nodded and dribbled away from him, Nathan started towards Haley. "Hales?" he asked, brushing his hand through a strand of her hair. "Jamie won," he told her, his voice ringing with pretend jealousy. She lifted her head. "Oh, he did? I missed it..." she said faintly, and he knew her mind was somewhere else.

He sat down next to her and took her hand. "Haley, can you tell me what's been going on with you lately?" he asked softly.

She looked into his eyes. "Will you take me somewhere?"

Honestly, all he wanted to do was lock himself up with her until she told him what was happening with her, because he was worried out of his mind. Something was wrong, and it scared him that she couldn't tell him what it was. But in the meantime, whatever she needed, he would give her. So of course he would take her somewhere.

"I have a map," Haley said from the passenger seat of their car as they drove down a twisted road.

"Don't need it," Nathan shook his head, keeping his eyes on the road as the car crept along the pathway.

"You—you know where it is?"

Nathan turned to look at her, and glanced back at Jamie who was nearly asleep in the backseat. "Yeah, I, uh, used to come here with Jamie all the time, when you were—"

"Yeah," Haley cut him off. She didn't want to go back to that place inside of her that had consumed her during those first weeks after they'd lost JJ.

"Hales, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't want to make you feel left out or make you feel like you had to come, I just didn't want to force you to do something you weren't ready for."

"It's okay. I'm glad you did. I know I wasn't easy to talk to then, I'm sorry for that..."

"Don't be." He put his hand over hers and nodded his head toward her window. "We're here." Haley took a deep breath.

"Give me a head start?" she asked, her hand on the handle of the car door. He nodded.

She got out of the car slowly and walked forward, feeling like her skin was crawling as she moved through the grass. She hated this place, hated that it was so much smaller than all the other areas of the graveyard, hated that she had a place here, that it had a piece of her. And then she found it, and it was like someone had just poured ice all over her body. The sight hit her like a punch in the stomach, and suddenly it was hard to breathe. With slow and shaky movements, she sat down on the ground in front of JJ's grave. She put her hand over her mouth to stop the gasping sobs that she was sure would escape. Heart pounding, her hand reached out and she traced over the letters of her baby's name and the date that had taken so much from her. She felt like she wanted to say something, to say I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry, but the words caught in her throat. Her mind was screaming them so loud that her head could have exploded, but they just wouldn't come.

She tried to calm her breathing when she heard Jamie's steps behind her, and when he reached her she pulled him into her lap. As soon as she heard him say "Hey, little brother," it was all it took to unleash her tears, and before she knew it Nathan had sat down next to her on the ground, comforting her as she began to cry just by being there. It was as if her eyes were opened, and she could see through the film that had been screening her vision. Here she was, this was real. It was the culmination of everything that she knew would heal her, by breaking her. With Jamie and Nathan at her side, she was sobbing harder than she would have thought possible.

Jamie turned around in his mother's lap to hug her and Nathan's arms went around both of them as they rocked on the ground in front of JJ's grave and Haley's loud sobs echoed through the quiet night. Her tears soaked through Nathan's shirt but he only held her closer. "What do you need?" he asked her desperately, stroking her hair.

It took her a few minutes to stop her tears and compose herself, and when she looked up to meet his eyes his heart broke for her. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot and he moved to dry her cheeks drenched in tears. "I want to go home," she cried. "I don't want to be here anymore."

He nodded and kissed her forehead fervently, cupping her chin. Jamie stood up and headed towards the car while Nathan helped Haley up. She leaned against him as they walked, her legs feeling like they would buckle if he let go, and he never did.

*****

Haley mostly slept and stayed in bed for the next couple days, and on the rare occasions when Nathan found her awake he would sit with her on their bed, sometimes saying nothing and just holding her in his arms. They didn't need words.

When Nathan entered the living room one morning, he was surprised to see Haley there. He paused to watch her fingers gracefully glide across the piano keys in a slow melody before walking over to her and sitting on the bench next to her as she continued to play. She instinctively slid closer to him, but other than that she hardly acknowledged his presence, and her head stayed down as she played. He looked over to her and his heart dropped when he saw tears silently sliding down her cheeks. His arm went around her immediately and he picked up the notebook lying atop the piano, correctly assuming that what was written there would be the lyrics to the song she'd just written and was now playing. At the top was the title My Baby Blue.

Confess your gift still knocks me off my legs

The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest

And I will forever, 'cause you'll forever be,

My one true broken heart, pieces inside of me

and you're forever, my baby.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving

And when you wake, you will fly away

Holding tight to the legs of all your angels

Goodbye my love into your blue, blue eyes

Your blue, blue world.

You're my baby blue.

Confess I'm not quite ready to be left

Still I know I gave my level best

You give, you give, to this I can attest

You made me, you made me

You and me forever, baby.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.

And when you wake, you will fly away

Holding tight to the legs of all your angels

Goodbye, my love, into your blue, blue eyes

In your blue, blue world.

You and me forever.

Oh.

Ignoring the strangling weight of sadness settling in his chest, he looked at her, and he was struck by his wife's beauty, by her soul, by the immense power of her love, for him and for their children. These were more than lyrics; they were her heart and his heart put into words. They were everything she needed to say to their baby but would never have a chance to. He knew that laced into the basic words and notes and rhyming patterns was a piece of Haley that he understood like no one else ever would. He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. And he would not be ashamed to admit that he had tears in his eyes when he turned to her and said, "Haley, this is beautiful."

She shrugged and whispered "thanks." She continued avoiding eye contact with him and playing the melody that he knew would haunt him. "You're wrong about one thing though," he added, holding back a smile.

She finally glanced at him, wordlessly asking what he was talking about. "That kid had brown eyes."

And there it was. A smile. She turned and full on looked at him this time, and he was thankful to see that her tears had stopped. "No," she insisted, her stubbornness ready to come out in full force. "JJ had blue eyes, like yours."

"Hence the title," he said cheekily; she nodded. He completely disagreed, JJ was 100% Haley, but he didn't press it, so shrugged. "Maybe he had one of each. I saw a dog with one blue eye and one brown eye once."

She let out a breath in a semi-laugh. "That would be cool." Her fingers slid off the keys into her lap in a nervous bundle, and she dropped her head onto his shoulder. He let a beat pass and kissed her hair. "This is harder than I thought it would be," she sighed.

His eyes closed in pain, physically hurting because Haley was. "I know, baby."

*****

"Hey," Haley said quietly, entering their bedroom later that night. Nathan sat on the chair and was texting on his phone. "Clay," he said, gesturing to tell Haley who he was talking to. She nodded and took a seat on the bed. "Any news with the Bobcats?" she asked.

He shrugged and moved to sit next to her. "Not really, they're just going to treat the situation like I'm an injured player sitting out for a season."

"Isn't that what you are?"

"Well, yeah, but it's not basketball related and I haven't been going to practices or games. I don't understand all the technical stuff, it's so frustrating," he sighed, and leaned back on the bed so that he was lying on his back.

"Maybe you should start going," Haley suggested. "I'm sure you miss it."

"I do, but I'd miss you more," he smiled. "Maybe. I don't want to talk about me."

"Well what do you want to talk about?" she asked.

"You."

"Pass."

"Hales."

"What?"

"How are you doing? I know it's been rough on you since we got home," he said gently, his hand comfortingly moving over her thigh.

She sighed. "It just kind of hit me all over again, you know? I mean being with the family was great, but I felt like I was ignoring everything. The pain, the baby, the guilt that comes with deciding whether or not to try for another child..."

"That option will always be open for us, Haley, we don't need to decide anything right now."

"I know. And then the tour came up, and it's just like my life is just moving on away from all of it—"

"Haley, that baby will always be apart of you and will always be with you. You have to let go of that fear that moving on means you're forgetting. And look at that song you just wrote. It's proof that he's a part of everything you do."

"You're right. It's just...it's hard not to think like that."

"Hales, can I ask you a question?" She nodded. "Music is kind of healing for you, right? Did you write any music after the plane crash, when—you know—you thought I was...dead?" That was weird to say. He wondered why they hardly ever brought it up or even acknowledged that that had happened, but he found the answer when he saw Haley's face twist in pain the second the words left his mouth.

"No, of course not," she answered immediately, and fell back so that she was lying down too, folding herself across Nathan's chest as if to stop the places where all of those memories had been locked away from bursting open. "Nathan, it took superhuman effort to just get out of bed in the mornings, let alone write music."

He couldn't even imagine. He didn't think he would even be able lift his head if the situation were reversed. "I'm so sorry," he told her, and he hoped she knew that it was for putting her through that, not for asking the question.

"Not your fault," she muttered, "Stupid plane."

He laughed, nodding. "We should sleep, you look exhausted."

She shot up. "I don't want to sleep. If we go to bed now I'm just going to lie there and think and think and think about everything and I don't want to do that. Let's go downstairs."

"And do what?"

"I don't know, something different and fun. Like...making pancakes!"

"Pancakes? Hales, it's like 11:30 at night."

"So?" she asked, daring him with her eyes to argue further.

"Fine. Let's go make pancakes."

"Okay...the packets of batter are in this drawer I think," Haley said, shuffling around in one of the many. Nathan took another one.

"Forget pancakes! Let's make chocolate cake!" Haley said excitedly, pulling out a packet of cake batter.

"Why? We have no reason for a whole cake, I mean—" he stopped and smiled at something in the drawer, reaching in to pull it out. Haley gasped when she saw it. "I was wondering where that was," she smiled, and held out her hand for Nathan to slip the plastic colored bracelet on her wrist.

Haley sat at their table on the dock as Nathan approached her. "Breakfast of champions," he declared. "Want some?"

"You're late," she said impatiently, ignoring his question.

He sighed and shrugged off his backpack, sitting down and opening a box of cracker jacks. "Please let this be a cheat sheet," he pleaded, but smiled when he pulled out a bracelet instead. He glanced at her. "It's for you."

She looked up at him skeptically and down at the bracelet. "Stop it."

"Come on," he said, putting it around her wrist. She exhaled in frustration.

He looked at her seriously and then smiled. "Don't say I never gave you anything."

"I could probably still recite your speech about how 'you're just math and you're not going to put up with all of my crap' word for word," he teased. "Didn't work out too well for you did it?"

"Not all. I'm stuck with putting up with your crap for the rest of my life," she said, playfully rolling her eyes.

"And I yours. Well, we have a reason to make a cake now."

"To celebrate you surviving these days with me being hysterical?"

"No, to celebrate you for having the strength to survive these past few days and all the ones before that, and coming out of it with our bracelet and a hit song."

She laughed, beginning to stir the batter. "Whatever."

He dipped his finger in it and placed a drop on her nose. It was clearly not a smart move, because then she put her whole hand in the bowl and smeared it all over his face, giggling as she did so.

"What is it with us and throwing things at each other?" he asked, drawing a line down Haley's face with chocolate batter. "Tomatoes, cookie dough on Christmas, snow in New York, and now this."

"Hm," Haley considered. "It does seem to be a pattern...Oh! It's so we can spend the night getting it off each other."

Nathan's eyebrows rose. "Yep, that's what it is."

A/N: Hope you guys liked it! Song is My Baby Blue by Dave Matthews Band. Review please :)