Hey everyone. It's a shame summer's almost over, so i might as well make the best of it. also, check out flamingdoritos, if you haven't already, but you probably have! so... just refreshing your minds!
A Traitor Amiss
"So we are out of food… again!" shouted Soren, as he was still loyal to Ike, and Shinon at the same time. "Shinon insists on pooling the money we made into a booze fund, so I don't know how we're supposed to manage this lazy and brainless army, plus I think we have a traitor in our midst, probably somebody who doesn't do any work or fighting, not to mention… Ike are you even listening?"
"No, I'm not."
"…Um… how did you know what I… oh never mind, I don't even care."
"I'm attempting to plot a scheme to rid Shinon of his position as commander! But I believe I can achieve that, after all, sword fighters are witty, yet archers are geniuses. Meanwhile lance fighters are tall, axe fighters are queer, and mages are useless!"
"…Actually it's more like sword fighters are inbred by relatives, lance fighers have no friends, axe fighters have ADD, archers are addicts, and mages are misunderstood."
"Like WHISKEY!" shouted Shinon, showering himself in the bottle.
"IIIIKE!" shouted Oscar, "My horse, Mist, won't stop whining!"
"Well what do you want me to do about it? Figure it out somehow!"
So Oscar sighed, relaxed, and his body was taken over by the demon. He was used to it after so many years now.
"Like HELLO WORLD! OMG! This is like THE BEST thing I have ever DONE! But LIKE My MedallION is miSSING! WEEE! This is FUN!"
As it turns out, Oscar's demon has never had any contact with any humans besides Oscar, and for the first time revealing itself to pathetic morons, it turns out the demon is gay. But that's not a problem, as nobody even cares! So while Oscar's horse went berserk and fell in a lake, Ike saw opportunity for revenge, with somebody off in the distance.
"I'm Calill. I want to-" she gagged tobacco, while speaking in a croaky voice, "Join up with this army"
"Is that so?"
"Why yes, dear. I am a first class mage. Not to mention I'm quite skilled with a knife… at least I like to think I am… and I have the most exquisite looks you'd ever see in a woman!"
Ike tried not to vomit at her hideousness.
"Ah yes... brains…" she snorted a cigarette through her nose… "brawns…" she was so skinny she looked like a pile of skin and bones, "…and beauty!"
"Hey Ike, we need more water. Apparently somebody washed their dirty soc-AAAAH!" and Boyd engulfed in a plasmatic radiation field, and was petrified into stone at the sight of Calill.
"………… Well one problem out of our way! You're hired!"
"WHAAAA -GAG- AAAAAT? Can a young man like yourself make a decision like that? I better speak to the general."
"I am the general."
"WHAAAAA-" but Shinon whacked her in the head with a beer bottle. And as much as it was part of Ike's plan to demote Shinon, that worked just as well. So because there was nobody to call upon to decide what methods of punishment or government they should rely on, not to mention they were all too lazy to do anything, Ike unofficially claimed himself the commander again. And to celebrate this wondrous day, he took all the money in the booze pool… and bought booze to party! And a little cheese… just because…
…
"General Petrine! We mustn't do this!" shouted a fat balding man with black armor.
"YOU GUYS ARE FOREIGN! DAEIN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! SO YOU'RE THE FIRST TO GO! SO YOU WILL DO THIS!"
"But destroying people's homes is too much!"
"…DID YOU NOT LISTEN! YOU'RE FOREIGN!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LEFT BEGNION, BUT YOU WERE PRETTY DAMN STUPID TO DO THAT! NOW YOU WILL SACRIFICE YOURSELVES FOR THE SAKE OF THE COUNTRY!"
"…Bu-"
"FOREIGN!"
".."
"FOOOREIGN!!!!"
Then she stormed off, and then a soldier came to the guy's side.
"General Shiraramamam… are we truly to go thorugh with this?"
"…Open the gates…"
"…What?"
"…Open the gates!"
"…I can't hear you! I think that woman deafened me or someth-"
"OPEN THE GATES!"
"…Yeah, still nothing."
So the soldiers opened the gate, and what was a narrow valley became a river.
…
So as the Crimean army awoke after passing out from the disastrous party, which only lasted fourteen minutes, they left another piece of Daein soil ruined. Continuing their slow journey, something seemed suspicious. The main thing revealed was how Brom sank underground up to his head, and then Rolf started jumping on it.
"The ground is wet! We can't move in these conditions!" shouted Soren
"Then what are we to do!" exclaimed Ike
"Well there's a river that flows by here. Perhaps somebody opened a gate!"
"USE ME! USE ME! I HAVE GOOD EYES! I SEE ALL! I… SEE… ALL…" his head tilted to the side as he said 'all', then climbed on Ulki's back, because he was too short to do so otherwise.
"A GATE! I SEE A GATE! THE RIVER IS FLOWING THROUGH IT… BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY THERE'S A GATE IN THE FIRST PLACE; THAT'S PRETTY STUPID! AND… IT'S NOT EVEN AFFECTING THIS AREA! ONLY A SMALL VALLEY… BUT THERE ARE DAEIN SOLDIERS!"
"YAY! Let's go kill them!" shouted Ike
So as the Crimeans approached the village, there were a dozen wyvern riders high in the air. They hovered down to attack, but got destroyed by the mages and archers. As this being their main battalion, everybody charged for the castle on top of the hill. A few units stayed behind, and took on a handful of remaining soldiers.
Rhys stood in the back, ready to heal any who were wounded, when Mia caught his eye. She lunged at two soldiers, stabbing one, and striking down the others lance, driving his head through the others blade. A guy with a poleax came from behind and struck! She somersaulted, lifted him above the ground with her legs, and threw him against a tree. A guy with a chainsaw and potato sack on his head screamed bloody murder and charged at her! She swung at each individual blade on the chainsaw, struck his knee, smacked the handle at his head, and while stunned, she drove the chainsaw into his chest!
"Wow…" Rhys thought, "Mia's really something… what's happening? My staff has gotten harder!... Not that staff, the other one… no wait… the third kind there is… who am I talking to?"
So as Rhys continued becoming a man, there stood the balding fat man on a purple wyvern with yellow spikes. (A/N: Jill's story is VERY boring, so I don't even care I'm just going to skip it because I'm lazy and don't feel like insulting it. It's not even WORTH insulting!) Jill flew ahead and challenged they commander.
"Father!"
"Jill! I can't fight my own daughter!"
And yet he did, as he flew in the air and struck her with his tomahawk, which REALLY wasn't a tomahawk, it was a golden axe! But it didn't matter, as Jill had the ability to level up, and was stronger than her own father, so he died! After the area was cleared, Ike seized the castle, and attempted to close the gates, but couldn't, so Rolf tried and did it.
"Soren, what's happened to the surrounding villages?"
"They're all destroyed! But who cares, let's move on!"
"NO! Let's give our money to them!"
"YEAH!" shouted the princess, then threw up all over Nephenee, and everybody laughed, including Soren. But as he wasn't paying attention, the army took the money to the villages. And so the army had NOTHING! Meanwhile, Ike saw Jill at the edge of the cliff.
"Jill, if it means anything, it was I who took your father's life!"
"…What the hell are you talking about!"
"…I don't know." And he left.
And while he was leaving, Ike noticed the reinforcements Begnion had given them, who were carelessly drawing in the snow
"I thought you guys were soldiers!" shouted Ike, "WHY have you helped us in any battles yet! That's something reinforcements are SUPPOSED to do!"
The three just mindlessly stared, and Ike gave up on them, and as he walked away, a bathtub fell on him.
…
Meanwhile, at the Daein Capital, Nevassa, Petrine stood there, beside the pink-haired girl from before, Ena.
"THE FOREIGNS LOST? TYPICAL FOREIGNERS! ENA! YOU ARE TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE CASTLE!"
"…Me?"
"YES YOU! YOU'RE A GOOD GIRL, AREN'T YOU! GOOD GIRL! HAVE A COOKIE!"
"I have returned!" shouted The Black Knight! "I know, it's been a couple months, cause I have this chronic sleeping disorder, and keep waking up in random places, so I figured, if I just keep sleeping, I'll eventually wake up in Daein Castle! Well that wasn't the case, but THEN-"
"There's a visitor for you, Ena!" interrupted a guard. Ena panted and ran in circles, licked the guard, then ran out the door.
"…Oh now I lost my place… hmm… where was I? Oh yes I think I remember, so THEN!" but then The Black Knight realized that he had fallen asleep and woken up who know how long later, and everybody was already gone. So he walked away, but fell asleep, and randomly teleported to an unknown location.
…
"Who's there?" asked Ena, as she went to a dark room
"It's me!" said a person, who was hiding behind the curtains.
"Did you bring it?"
"Yes, I did!" and he dropped it, and kicked it to Ena. "Why must you do this? He thinks nothing of you!"
"I must be by his side."
"He's no longer himself. He'll rip you to shreds and bite your head off!"
"As long as I'm with him, it does not matter. You have done all you can do, goodbye…………………………………………………Nasir…"
As the intense twist and drama of it all sunk in, Nasir attempted to get past the curtains to shout 'Ena', but got caught and fell out the window. He fell in the river, and flew downstream, until he saw an opening in the abyss.
…
"…And then the monster popped it's head out of the toilet, and bit the kid in the ass…" Tormod read, while he was in the outhouse. He looked down to ensure himself there was no monster, but somehow Nasir got stuck there. Tormod screamed so loud one of his lungs exploded. Then Muriam quickly burst in, as he's always watching the boy, then also screamed until he burst a blood vessel. And so there was a line-up of people to see what all the commotion was about in the outhouse, because people aren't very smart that way; when two people get injured, they're oblivious to the fact that they just might… JUST MIGHT get injured as well.
(A/N: Yeah this is getting VERY off topic. I'll just end it right here, before things get wrong)
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